The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s06e05 Episode Script
The Script Formerly Known As
Will, I'm ready.
You said you'd teach me one of your basketball tricks.
Oh, well, you know, my moves are kind of like top secret, Nick.
I mean, I could show you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Okay.
Well, maybe I'll make an exception this one time, all right? All right.
Come on.
D me up, D me up.
[YELPING AND MAKING SLAPPING SOUNDS.]
All right, check it out.
Now, this is called the Will Smith Hoop Dream, Dunk on Hakeem Down the Lane, House of Pain pass.
I see you wasn't ready for that one.
Back in Philly, they used to call me Will "The 747" Smith.
- Wanna know why? - Why? Because I'm about to jet.
[SINGING "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME.]
This weekend? Oh, I'd love to, Thad, but I'm gonna lay low.
Oh, no, it's nothing serious, just the flu.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Okay, bye.
Thad? I thought you were dating Kyle.
I am.
He's the flu.
- Go, girl.
- You see what I'm saying? It sounds like it's raining men.
I hope y'all are taking notes.
Hey, hey, hey, stop being all freaky.
Hi, Will.
What you doing? Five to ten if you don't take your hands off me.
[GIRLS LAUGHING.]
Hill, what you think? You did a pretty good show today, huh? Three words: Stink.
Stank.
Stunk.
It was the worst show we have ever done.
We need better guests.
Wait, wait.
Don't be getting all mad at me.
I'm just the assistant talent coordinator.
If I had some more responsibility, maybe we'd have some better guests.
Then get me someone great for tomorrow's show.
And if it were my responsibility, then I'd do it.
Okay, I'm telling you to do it.
All right, and if I thought you meant it, then I'd get it done.
That's right, my baby can definitely get it done.
Don't make me turn the hose on you, all right? Will, I need more stimulating guests.
I need someone who can hold my attention for more than three seconds.
- All right.
How about we get? I gotta go.
Hey.
Uncle Phil, what's going on, man? [GRUMBLING.]
Would you like to buy a vowel? [SIGHS.]
You know, this trial is gonna be the death of me.
We lost another juror today.
Oh, really? Hey, did you check under your robe? I can see you're not in the mood for that right now.
Here.
Come on.
Right here.
Right here.
So come on, man.
What happened? He was writing a book.
The bailiff found him hiding in the men's room with his laptop.
You sure he wasn't just downloading his floppy? [YELLS.]
- Can you hear me? Can you hear me? - Ha-ha-ha! Shut up.
Can you hear me? Hi, I'm Carlton Banks, and I joined Great Introductions to give you red-hot mamas a chance to take a walk on the wild side.
So climb on board.
[IMITATES TRAIN WHISTLE.]
Hm.
A tad forward.
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH.]
I am tan, I am a tourist and I'd love to give a lucky mademoiselle like you a chance to meet moi.
That felt close.
[WILL LAUGHING.]
Do you guys mind? [IN FRENCH ACCENT.]
What is your problem, Pepe Le Puny? Hardy har har.
And in a related story Judge Philip Banks has dismissed yet another juror in the Show-Biz Madam Case.
As cameras are not allowed in his courtroom we have an artist's rendering of his action.
Specific details are not yet available as to why the juror was dismissed.
Wait, I know that guy.
Of course you do.
That's my Dad, you half-life.
- Not him, the other dude.
- Oh, what, you knew him? He's my barber.
The dude that cut that jack-o'-lantern in your head last Halloween? That's the guy.
It'd have been great if that candle hadn't burned the roof of my mouth.
Jazz, do you think he'd do Hilary? Why not? She got a nice big head.
This place is so tiny.
I can't even imagine how small the facial room must be.
Hill, why don't you come on over here and sit down? Here you go.
Read this Jet magazine and let me handle my business, all right? - Okay, you're next.
- Hey.
Whoa, hey.
Now, you know I'm gonna have to charge you extra for working around these ears.
[WILL CHUCKLES.]
Well, no, hold up, my man.
Actually, I'm not here to get a haircut.
Well, you in the wrong place, fool.
Well, no, a friend of mine sent me.
You know Jazz? The idiot that put the candle in his mouth? - That's him.
- All right, now, what can I do you for? - Well, see, actually, my cousin and l - Will, let me handle this.
Hi.
As you probably already know, I'm Hilary Banks.
Who? Ha, ha! That's very funny.
I would be really honored if you would be a guest on my show.
What is it with you people? First, you got Geraldo coming in here you know his head is as empty as Al Capone's vault, then you had Montel.
I told Montel, "Yeah, I'll do your show when you grow some hair.
" Now, listen, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told them.
I'm not interested in doing tabloid television.
I have my dignity and I have my self-respect.
- We got cash.
- You got George.
HILARY: Oh! Carlton, can I use your car on Saturday? No can do, Ashley.
I have a date.
You're kidding.
With who? Well, I haven't worked that part out yet.
But once this dating-service thing kicks in this hombre's dance card is gonna be pretty full.
Oh, yeah, just yuk it up.
He who laughs last See, it's started already.
- Master Carlton - Not now, Geoffrey.
"You're in my thoughts.
Love, Thad.
" Thad? That's a pretty sexy-sounding name.
I'm thinking long legs.
No, these are for me from Thad.
Now what am I supposed to do? Please, for carnations and a little baby's breath? Nothing.
Hey.
Hey, Carlton, you will never guess who we got on the show for tomorrow.
So there's no sense of me playing, is there? Hey, Uncle Phil, about that juror you just - I'm sorry, Will, but I can't talk about it.
- Daddy, the juror How many times do I have to tell you kids that I just can't talk about it? Ugh! Hey, Nicky, you will never guess who we got How many times do I have to tell you kids? I just can't talk about it.
Ugh! Excuse me, I'm here to return this radio.
SALESMAN: Back of the line.
Hey, aren't you Judge Banks? Well, yes, I am.
Hey, everybody, it's Judge Banks from the television.
Hey.
You think that show-biz madam did it or what, huh? I'm sorry, but I can't discuss the case.
Then I can't discuss your radio.
Back of the line.
All right, why don't you just relax, cool out a little bit? Hilary will be out soon.
How you feeling? You a little nervous? Why should I be nervous? I'm all liquored up.
You are hilarious, man.
Hey, have a seat.
Have a seat.
Listen, I just wanna let you that, you know any point during the show you feel like you might wanna I don't know, toss my name in, "Will Smith," you know, it's cool.
Okay.
Ready, George? Of course, I'm ready.
I've been waiting around for an hour.
Where's my money? Hey, look.
All right.
I'm gonna be right over here.
Remember, Will Smith.
Will Smith.
WERNER: All right, everybody, have a great show.
Okay.
Now, just relax, be yourself, and remember to keep your answers short.
The audience didn't come to hear the guest babble on and on.
In five, four, three, two [APPLAUSE.]
Hello and welcome to Hilary.
We're very excited today to have as our guest recently dismissed juror from the Show-Biz Madam Trial, George Howlings.
[APPLAUSE.]
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Well, I guess what we're all dying to know is why you were dismissed.
You know, they told the press I was writing a book, but that's not it.
Oh? Tell us what it really was.
Well, they said I was crazy, but I'm not crazy.
But you wanna know who is crazy? Maybe I shouldn't say this on TV.
Oh, come on, George.
Just between you and me who was crazy? That lard-butt of a judge.
That man is crazy as they come.
GEORGE [ON TV.]
: What does it take to become a judge these days? Now, if you ask me, that man was very incompetent.
Couldn't judge a beauty pageant.
About as useless as a no-mouthed dog at a Frisbee contest.
If I ever see him, I'll lower him like a cheap carpet.
And it looked to me, he dozed off every now and then.
HILARY: George Probably dreaming about that bony-legged prosecutor.
I think they got something going on.
Ain't that right, Will Smith? Hill.
Hill.
Hold up.
He's gonna kill us.
Will, it's not like it was our fault.
We can't control what someone says.
Daddy will understand that.
Well, I hope so.
And if not, I'll just blame the whole thing on you.
Oops.
Did I say that out loud? Is he in there? No, the coast is Clear! Hi, Daddy.
You look so handsome.
Oh, not bad for a lard butt, huh? I guess there's no reason to ask whether or not you saw the show today.
Oh, I saw the show.
ALL: We all saw the show.
Wait, wait, hold up, Uncle Phil.
Now, before you get started I wanna let you know that finger pointing isn't gonna get us nowhere.
And also that it's not called The Will Show.
Oh, please.
You're the one that introduced me to that nut.
Daddy, punish him.
He needs tough love.
That is enough.
I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life.
And to think the two people responsible for it are my own family.
My own flesh and blood.
Um Technically, Uncle Phil, I'm not really your flesh and blood.
See, my Mom and Aunt Viv, they I see where you going with this though.
- Do you? - Oh, yeah, I can see.
Pssh-pssh! Then tell me, what is it? Haven't I done enough for you? Taking you into my home, huh? Treated you with respect.
Maybe I did something to hurt you, is that it? No.
Come on, Uncle Phil.
No.
No, that's not it.
- Then why? - I don't I don't know.
And you my own daughter.
My first-born.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know if there's a knife that could cut as deeply.
We tried to tell you yesterday.
That's your excuse? You didn't have the sense to know that that man would be angry with me for dismissing him? You didn't have the common sense to know that? I don't have any common sense.
You two have profoundly hurt and disappointed me.
[STAMMERING.]
Unc Uncle Uncle Ph Unc You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Aunt Aunt Aunt - A Ashley.
- You understand, don't you? Nicky.
Come on Ow! Man.
- Hill, you know what you gonna say? - I'm just gonna speak from the heart.
Hey, now just remember, this is from both of us.
Don't be out there taking all the credit.
Have a good show.
Here we go.
In five seconds, four, three, two Hello and welcome to Hilary.
Today's show is a very special tribute to fathers.
But before we get to our guests I'd like to say something special about a very important man in my life.
My father, Judge Philip Banks.
Yesterday, a dismissed juror in the Show-Biz Madam Trial came on the show and said some really icky things about him.
My cousin Will and I were, well, to say the least, shocked.
- And now Daddy won't even talk to us.
WILL: He won't say nothing.
HILARY [SOBBING.]
: And we feel like strangers in our own house.
Please, Daddy, forgive us.
Please.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Ow! And we don't know what we supposed to do.
I'm sorry, no one answered the front door.
I have a package for a Carlton Banks.
That's me.
Oh, no, not another rejection.
Bad news? I sent this to Last Chance Video Dating.
You know, "We guarantee you a date," except if your name is Carlton Banks.
Trust me.
It doesn't work if your name is Michelle Williams either.
- You tried this? - I tried them all.
Wow.
I wouldn't expect someone like you to have trouble meeting people.
The only people I meet are dogs and shut-ins.
Why can't it be easier? I mean, why can't you just open the door and meet someone nice? Well, bye.
Wait a minute.
Would you? Uh Uh Like to go out Saturday night? Yeah.
- Hey, I'm not - Coming on too strong? Not at all.
Bye.
Sweet mother of God, that's a firm handshake.
Trust me, if Daddy saw the show this afternoon, everything will be fine.
And if he didn't, we'll show it to him.
Now, do you know how to work one of these things? What are you two doing? [WILL SCREAMS.]
Hey, man.
Did you see anything, I don't know, good on TV today? No.
- So you didn't see the show? - Oh, I saw the show.
And now thanks to you, not only am I an incompetent judge, but an unfit parent.
Tell me, what do you have planned for tomorrow? Perhaps snapshots of me in the bathtub, huh? Or a video of me chasing stray dogs in my car.
Daddy, you don't do that, do you? You two are the most irresponsible All right, I've heard enough.
Now, I did see something good on TV today.
I saw two people begging for forgiveness and feeling very badly for hurting someone that they love.
Oh, please, Vivian.
Don't buy into the propaganda.
That's enough.
Now, what I wanna hear now is an apology and the acceptance of the apology.
Go ahead.
- We sorry.
- We're sorry.
- We sorry, man.
We sorry.
Man, we sorry.
- We're really, really, really sorry, Daddy.
Okay, now you.
[MUMBLING.]
I accept your apology.
Philip.
[SIGHS.]
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
I accept your apology.
VIVIAN: Okay.
- Now hug.
Come on.
- Ohh.
[HILARY GRUNTS.]
Hold up.
Hold up.
This is the way it's supposed to be.
One big happy family.
Uncle Phil, man, I just wanna say again how sorry Enough, enough said, Will.
Enough.
Let's just put it all behind us.
What's done is done.
I just wanna sit here and watch a little TV.
LENO [ON TV.]
: Anybody see the Hilary show the other day? They had a dismissed juror from the Show-Biz Madam Case insulting Judge Banks, who just happens to be Hilary's father.
Boy, here's a family that really puts the "fun" back in dysfunctional, isn't it? [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Speaking of Judge Banks, we have a special tribute to him tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome The Dancing Phils.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
- That's it! I've had enough! - But, wait - Daddy - No, no.
Just go.
Just go.
Please.
- Ohh! PHIL: Go! Wait, wait a minute.
Now, you wait one minute, Uncle Phil.
Now, I didn't wanna have to do this but you brought this on yourself.
["AND I AM TELLING YOU I'M NOT GOING" PLAYING.]
[MOUTHING.]
And I am telling you I'm not going Even though the rough times are showing There's just no way, there's no way Tear down the mountains Yell, scream and shout You can say what you want I'm not walking out Stop all the rivers, push, strike and kill I'm not gonna leave you There's no way I will And I am telling you I'm not going You're the best man I'll ever know There's no way I can ever, ever go No, no, no, no way No, no, no, no way I'm living without you Oh, I'm not living without you Not living without you I don't wanna be free I'm staying I'm staying And you, and you, and you You're gonna You're gonna love me
You said you'd teach me one of your basketball tricks.
Oh, well, you know, my moves are kind of like top secret, Nick.
I mean, I could show you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Okay.
Well, maybe I'll make an exception this one time, all right? All right.
Come on.
D me up, D me up.
[YELPING AND MAKING SLAPPING SOUNDS.]
All right, check it out.
Now, this is called the Will Smith Hoop Dream, Dunk on Hakeem Down the Lane, House of Pain pass.
I see you wasn't ready for that one.
Back in Philly, they used to call me Will "The 747" Smith.
- Wanna know why? - Why? Because I'm about to jet.
[SINGING "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME.]
This weekend? Oh, I'd love to, Thad, but I'm gonna lay low.
Oh, no, it's nothing serious, just the flu.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Okay, bye.
Thad? I thought you were dating Kyle.
I am.
He's the flu.
- Go, girl.
- You see what I'm saying? It sounds like it's raining men.
I hope y'all are taking notes.
Hey, hey, hey, stop being all freaky.
Hi, Will.
What you doing? Five to ten if you don't take your hands off me.
[GIRLS LAUGHING.]
Hill, what you think? You did a pretty good show today, huh? Three words: Stink.
Stank.
Stunk.
It was the worst show we have ever done.
We need better guests.
Wait, wait.
Don't be getting all mad at me.
I'm just the assistant talent coordinator.
If I had some more responsibility, maybe we'd have some better guests.
Then get me someone great for tomorrow's show.
And if it were my responsibility, then I'd do it.
Okay, I'm telling you to do it.
All right, and if I thought you meant it, then I'd get it done.
That's right, my baby can definitely get it done.
Don't make me turn the hose on you, all right? Will, I need more stimulating guests.
I need someone who can hold my attention for more than three seconds.
- All right.
How about we get? I gotta go.
Hey.
Uncle Phil, what's going on, man? [GRUMBLING.]
Would you like to buy a vowel? [SIGHS.]
You know, this trial is gonna be the death of me.
We lost another juror today.
Oh, really? Hey, did you check under your robe? I can see you're not in the mood for that right now.
Here.
Come on.
Right here.
Right here.
So come on, man.
What happened? He was writing a book.
The bailiff found him hiding in the men's room with his laptop.
You sure he wasn't just downloading his floppy? [YELLS.]
- Can you hear me? Can you hear me? - Ha-ha-ha! Shut up.
Can you hear me? Hi, I'm Carlton Banks, and I joined Great Introductions to give you red-hot mamas a chance to take a walk on the wild side.
So climb on board.
[IMITATES TRAIN WHISTLE.]
Hm.
A tad forward.
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH.]
I am tan, I am a tourist and I'd love to give a lucky mademoiselle like you a chance to meet moi.
That felt close.
[WILL LAUGHING.]
Do you guys mind? [IN FRENCH ACCENT.]
What is your problem, Pepe Le Puny? Hardy har har.
And in a related story Judge Philip Banks has dismissed yet another juror in the Show-Biz Madam Case.
As cameras are not allowed in his courtroom we have an artist's rendering of his action.
Specific details are not yet available as to why the juror was dismissed.
Wait, I know that guy.
Of course you do.
That's my Dad, you half-life.
- Not him, the other dude.
- Oh, what, you knew him? He's my barber.
The dude that cut that jack-o'-lantern in your head last Halloween? That's the guy.
It'd have been great if that candle hadn't burned the roof of my mouth.
Jazz, do you think he'd do Hilary? Why not? She got a nice big head.
This place is so tiny.
I can't even imagine how small the facial room must be.
Hill, why don't you come on over here and sit down? Here you go.
Read this Jet magazine and let me handle my business, all right? - Okay, you're next.
- Hey.
Whoa, hey.
Now, you know I'm gonna have to charge you extra for working around these ears.
[WILL CHUCKLES.]
Well, no, hold up, my man.
Actually, I'm not here to get a haircut.
Well, you in the wrong place, fool.
Well, no, a friend of mine sent me.
You know Jazz? The idiot that put the candle in his mouth? - That's him.
- All right, now, what can I do you for? - Well, see, actually, my cousin and l - Will, let me handle this.
Hi.
As you probably already know, I'm Hilary Banks.
Who? Ha, ha! That's very funny.
I would be really honored if you would be a guest on my show.
What is it with you people? First, you got Geraldo coming in here you know his head is as empty as Al Capone's vault, then you had Montel.
I told Montel, "Yeah, I'll do your show when you grow some hair.
" Now, listen, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told them.
I'm not interested in doing tabloid television.
I have my dignity and I have my self-respect.
- We got cash.
- You got George.
HILARY: Oh! Carlton, can I use your car on Saturday? No can do, Ashley.
I have a date.
You're kidding.
With who? Well, I haven't worked that part out yet.
But once this dating-service thing kicks in this hombre's dance card is gonna be pretty full.
Oh, yeah, just yuk it up.
He who laughs last See, it's started already.
- Master Carlton - Not now, Geoffrey.
"You're in my thoughts.
Love, Thad.
" Thad? That's a pretty sexy-sounding name.
I'm thinking long legs.
No, these are for me from Thad.
Now what am I supposed to do? Please, for carnations and a little baby's breath? Nothing.
Hey.
Hey, Carlton, you will never guess who we got on the show for tomorrow.
So there's no sense of me playing, is there? Hey, Uncle Phil, about that juror you just - I'm sorry, Will, but I can't talk about it.
- Daddy, the juror How many times do I have to tell you kids that I just can't talk about it? Ugh! Hey, Nicky, you will never guess who we got How many times do I have to tell you kids? I just can't talk about it.
Ugh! Excuse me, I'm here to return this radio.
SALESMAN: Back of the line.
Hey, aren't you Judge Banks? Well, yes, I am.
Hey, everybody, it's Judge Banks from the television.
Hey.
You think that show-biz madam did it or what, huh? I'm sorry, but I can't discuss the case.
Then I can't discuss your radio.
Back of the line.
All right, why don't you just relax, cool out a little bit? Hilary will be out soon.
How you feeling? You a little nervous? Why should I be nervous? I'm all liquored up.
You are hilarious, man.
Hey, have a seat.
Have a seat.
Listen, I just wanna let you that, you know any point during the show you feel like you might wanna I don't know, toss my name in, "Will Smith," you know, it's cool.
Okay.
Ready, George? Of course, I'm ready.
I've been waiting around for an hour.
Where's my money? Hey, look.
All right.
I'm gonna be right over here.
Remember, Will Smith.
Will Smith.
WERNER: All right, everybody, have a great show.
Okay.
Now, just relax, be yourself, and remember to keep your answers short.
The audience didn't come to hear the guest babble on and on.
In five, four, three, two [APPLAUSE.]
Hello and welcome to Hilary.
We're very excited today to have as our guest recently dismissed juror from the Show-Biz Madam Trial, George Howlings.
[APPLAUSE.]
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Well, I guess what we're all dying to know is why you were dismissed.
You know, they told the press I was writing a book, but that's not it.
Oh? Tell us what it really was.
Well, they said I was crazy, but I'm not crazy.
But you wanna know who is crazy? Maybe I shouldn't say this on TV.
Oh, come on, George.
Just between you and me who was crazy? That lard-butt of a judge.
That man is crazy as they come.
GEORGE [ON TV.]
: What does it take to become a judge these days? Now, if you ask me, that man was very incompetent.
Couldn't judge a beauty pageant.
About as useless as a no-mouthed dog at a Frisbee contest.
If I ever see him, I'll lower him like a cheap carpet.
And it looked to me, he dozed off every now and then.
HILARY: George Probably dreaming about that bony-legged prosecutor.
I think they got something going on.
Ain't that right, Will Smith? Hill.
Hill.
Hold up.
He's gonna kill us.
Will, it's not like it was our fault.
We can't control what someone says.
Daddy will understand that.
Well, I hope so.
And if not, I'll just blame the whole thing on you.
Oops.
Did I say that out loud? Is he in there? No, the coast is Clear! Hi, Daddy.
You look so handsome.
Oh, not bad for a lard butt, huh? I guess there's no reason to ask whether or not you saw the show today.
Oh, I saw the show.
ALL: We all saw the show.
Wait, wait, hold up, Uncle Phil.
Now, before you get started I wanna let you know that finger pointing isn't gonna get us nowhere.
And also that it's not called The Will Show.
Oh, please.
You're the one that introduced me to that nut.
Daddy, punish him.
He needs tough love.
That is enough.
I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life.
And to think the two people responsible for it are my own family.
My own flesh and blood.
Um Technically, Uncle Phil, I'm not really your flesh and blood.
See, my Mom and Aunt Viv, they I see where you going with this though.
- Do you? - Oh, yeah, I can see.
Pssh-pssh! Then tell me, what is it? Haven't I done enough for you? Taking you into my home, huh? Treated you with respect.
Maybe I did something to hurt you, is that it? No.
Come on, Uncle Phil.
No.
No, that's not it.
- Then why? - I don't I don't know.
And you my own daughter.
My first-born.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know if there's a knife that could cut as deeply.
We tried to tell you yesterday.
That's your excuse? You didn't have the sense to know that that man would be angry with me for dismissing him? You didn't have the common sense to know that? I don't have any common sense.
You two have profoundly hurt and disappointed me.
[STAMMERING.]
Unc Uncle Uncle Ph Unc You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Aunt Aunt Aunt - A Ashley.
- You understand, don't you? Nicky.
Come on Ow! Man.
- Hill, you know what you gonna say? - I'm just gonna speak from the heart.
Hey, now just remember, this is from both of us.
Don't be out there taking all the credit.
Have a good show.
Here we go.
In five seconds, four, three, two Hello and welcome to Hilary.
Today's show is a very special tribute to fathers.
But before we get to our guests I'd like to say something special about a very important man in my life.
My father, Judge Philip Banks.
Yesterday, a dismissed juror in the Show-Biz Madam Trial came on the show and said some really icky things about him.
My cousin Will and I were, well, to say the least, shocked.
- And now Daddy won't even talk to us.
WILL: He won't say nothing.
HILARY [SOBBING.]
: And we feel like strangers in our own house.
Please, Daddy, forgive us.
Please.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Ow! And we don't know what we supposed to do.
I'm sorry, no one answered the front door.
I have a package for a Carlton Banks.
That's me.
Oh, no, not another rejection.
Bad news? I sent this to Last Chance Video Dating.
You know, "We guarantee you a date," except if your name is Carlton Banks.
Trust me.
It doesn't work if your name is Michelle Williams either.
- You tried this? - I tried them all.
Wow.
I wouldn't expect someone like you to have trouble meeting people.
The only people I meet are dogs and shut-ins.
Why can't it be easier? I mean, why can't you just open the door and meet someone nice? Well, bye.
Wait a minute.
Would you? Uh Uh Like to go out Saturday night? Yeah.
- Hey, I'm not - Coming on too strong? Not at all.
Bye.
Sweet mother of God, that's a firm handshake.
Trust me, if Daddy saw the show this afternoon, everything will be fine.
And if he didn't, we'll show it to him.
Now, do you know how to work one of these things? What are you two doing? [WILL SCREAMS.]
Hey, man.
Did you see anything, I don't know, good on TV today? No.
- So you didn't see the show? - Oh, I saw the show.
And now thanks to you, not only am I an incompetent judge, but an unfit parent.
Tell me, what do you have planned for tomorrow? Perhaps snapshots of me in the bathtub, huh? Or a video of me chasing stray dogs in my car.
Daddy, you don't do that, do you? You two are the most irresponsible All right, I've heard enough.
Now, I did see something good on TV today.
I saw two people begging for forgiveness and feeling very badly for hurting someone that they love.
Oh, please, Vivian.
Don't buy into the propaganda.
That's enough.
Now, what I wanna hear now is an apology and the acceptance of the apology.
Go ahead.
- We sorry.
- We're sorry.
- We sorry, man.
We sorry.
Man, we sorry.
- We're really, really, really sorry, Daddy.
Okay, now you.
[MUMBLING.]
I accept your apology.
Philip.
[SIGHS.]
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
I accept your apology.
VIVIAN: Okay.
- Now hug.
Come on.
- Ohh.
[HILARY GRUNTS.]
Hold up.
Hold up.
This is the way it's supposed to be.
One big happy family.
Uncle Phil, man, I just wanna say again how sorry Enough, enough said, Will.
Enough.
Let's just put it all behind us.
What's done is done.
I just wanna sit here and watch a little TV.
LENO [ON TV.]
: Anybody see the Hilary show the other day? They had a dismissed juror from the Show-Biz Madam Case insulting Judge Banks, who just happens to be Hilary's father.
Boy, here's a family that really puts the "fun" back in dysfunctional, isn't it? [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Speaking of Judge Banks, we have a special tribute to him tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome The Dancing Phils.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
- That's it! I've had enough! - But, wait - Daddy - No, no.
Just go.
Just go.
Please.
- Ohh! PHIL: Go! Wait, wait a minute.
Now, you wait one minute, Uncle Phil.
Now, I didn't wanna have to do this but you brought this on yourself.
["AND I AM TELLING YOU I'M NOT GOING" PLAYING.]
[MOUTHING.]
And I am telling you I'm not going Even though the rough times are showing There's just no way, there's no way Tear down the mountains Yell, scream and shout You can say what you want I'm not walking out Stop all the rivers, push, strike and kill I'm not gonna leave you There's no way I will And I am telling you I'm not going You're the best man I'll ever know There's no way I can ever, ever go No, no, no, no way No, no, no, no way I'm living without you Oh, I'm not living without you Not living without you I don't wanna be free I'm staying I'm staying And you, and you, and you You're gonna You're gonna love me