The League s06e05 Episode Script

Ta-da! - No way.
No way! Are you kidding me? Happy sex-iversary, babe.
This is awesome! Hot tub! Hot tub! I think this is going to do great things for your low T situation, because you cannot spell hot tub without a double T.
Yeah, it's just like all the focus is on my penis.
It's like Groundhog's Day, you know? Is the Kev-hog gonna pop out and see his shadow? I don't like that.
You don't like Kev-hog? The visual.
Was it the teeth? No, it's the idea of, like, a rodent coming up.
You know, maybe I go down a different hole.
That's the problem.
That's it? Yeah.
What is this? Aboveground hot tub? Where'd you get it, at Costco? Look it, he's laughing at us.
That's rich.
Yeah, I am, actually.
Just got my check today.
That is a check for $1.
1 million.
Yeah, American dollars.
I put it in the contract that he couldn't give me Cuban dollars.
Business.
I just don't understand why Mark Cuban wants this EBDB thing.
I don't know, but he said I get to keep the kiosk, and let me tell you, offline is where it's at.
If I'm gonna buy a book or a CD, I want to go into a store, and I'm pretty sure the rest of the world agrees with me.
He's a millionaire.
And we live check-to-check.
Jenny, I'm gonna want to buy a house, so I will let you be my Realtor.
Thank you, Taco.
What are you looking for? Something that's, like, different than your house.
Okay, great, are you looking for, like, a craftsman or Mediterranean? Uh, no, just better.
You know, better house, better furniture, better food.
And no kids, you know, better.
Do you want someone living in your attic who eats all your food and smokes pot in the house? No, I don't want to run a homeless shelter.
Jesus.
I never thought I would say I work for Taco.
Don't worry about it, babe.
We're going in the hot tub tonight.
Yeah.
Whoa, look.
Is that Pete and his new lady? Hello.
- Hey there.
- Oh, holy shit.
This is crazy.
Uh, this is Rosette.
These are my best friends, Kev and Jenny.
Hi.
Nice to meet you guys.
Nice to meet you, too.
Um, we were just gonna jump inside for a drink, if you guys want to join us.
Oh, I would love to, but I have to work in the morning, so I have to go home.
I have to work in the morning, so I have to go in there, so We might part ways here.
All right.
Good night.
All right.
I had a lot of fun.
Thanks.
I had fun, too.
All right.
Talk to you soon.
Bye.
Okay.
Whoa, whoa, okay.
See you later.
Bye.
Wow.
She's cute.
Come on, let's go inside.
- Get - Dude, it's so great to - have you back from Korea.
- Yeah, we'll see for how long.
They're gonna send me back, I know it.
Yeah, I tried to contact you offline, but your MyFace page must be broken.
Oh, I was using the Korean MyFace page.
Oh, damn it.
Well, listen, now that you're back, let me ask you a quick question.
It's week five, right? Russell is on fire.
Coming up against me, and I got some choices to make.
Check it out, right? I got Montee Ball, Stephen Jackson, Trent Richardson and Zac Stacy, and I'm just trying to figure out, should I be playing, like, three running backs or should I put, like, a wide receiver in my flex? I don't know.
Here's what I would say.
You got Denver versus the Cardinals; Montee Ball's good for at least one.
Okay.
Philly versus the Rams, I would go with Zac Stacy.
Now, conventional wisdom says you want to play a running back at your flex position, but I think that Golden Tate is gonna light up the Buffalo Bills defense.
Oh, I didn't even think about playing Golden Tate.
Golden Tate is still my favorite cereal.
This is awesome.
Thank you so much for this.
Andre, it's my pleasure.
You're like my personal charity, except your disease is your horrible fashion sense.
Oh.
Oh.
Ruxin! Hey, welcome back! Hey.
Oh, look, it's Andre's shit list.
Uh, actually, no, but I have a question for you, right? Okay.
Do you think I should play Golden Tate? Hold on! I just gave you a very thoughtful response, and now you're asking someone else? Are you doing that again, Andre? I told you not to be an advice slut.
I'm not being an advice slut.
He just gave me a tip.
It was a tip.
I didn't give him just the tip.
I fully penetrated his mind.
In fact, I cream-pied him with ideas.
Okay, he did not cream-pie me.
You did not cream-pie me.
Enough.
We have our own big news, okay? The MacArthurs have a hot tub.
Yep, a hot tub.
And I'm pretty excited about it.
You know what, guys, you can just stop that.
I already told them you got an aboveground hot tub, so That's irrelevant.
That doesn't make a difference at all.
No, it's very relevant.
There are two kind of people in the world, people who have a hot tub that is in the ground and other people who are worried that a tornado is gonna take their aboveground hot tub away from the trailer park that they live in.
You guys are a bunch of ruiners, okay? And you're not even invited into our hot tub.
Pete.
Yeah! Pete! You and Rosette, in the hot tub.
No, I'm not sure I'm ready to go there with her just yet.
But I saw you guys holding hands.
That's kind of the issue.
She's been wanting to hold hands since, like, day one of the relationship.
Feels a little forward.
It's oddly personal.
Yeah, holding hands is the worst.
That's not where the hand wants to be.
I think hand holding is a really lovely gesture.
It makes me feel nice.
I can't hold hands with Sofia, 'cause it's just like this supple, soft magic.
Oof.
That's crazy.
I actually miss Sofia.
I'm excited to see her tonight.
Wait a minute, you just got back from Korea.
You haven't even gone home to see your wife yet? No, I told her my flight was getting in later so I could come here, have a drink, relax, loosen up all the kimchi that plagues my insides, hit the can here, empty the tank, no heavy lifting at home.
Yeah.
Gross.
So if you guys will excuse me, I'll see you in a few.
Why do you have Korean baby wipes? You guys have never used Korean baby wipes? I use these bad boys, cleans me up all pretty, and I walk around like a little toddler in a tuxedo.
Why don't you just use toilet paper like the rest of the world? Let me ask you a question.
Do you pick up mud with a dry towel or a wet towel? I use my hands.
Oh, that was quick.
Sorry about that.
Oh, you just got a little excited.
I tried all my methods, you know what I mean? I thought about Kevin winning the league.
I thought about Rafi moving in.
I thought about us having another kid.
Usually that just stops it.
Honey, just go to sleep.
Sorry.
And the kimchi is back.
Use the bathroom downstairs.
Downstairs has the weird black toilet.
It creeps me out.
Downstairs.
It's gorgeous, huh? Yeah.
This is the life.
Ugh, don't touch my foot.
I'm sitting on your foot.
So, Ruxin, what inspired you to join us lowly aboveground hot tub people? My wife is just too hot, and I have been gone too long, and I keep going offsides.
You got to cut down on those false starts, boy.
That's why I'm in this disgusting aboveground cesspool; I'm hoping to soft-boil the eggs.
Really? Why would you want to do that? I got to slow my roll a little bit.
It's like making the team run suicides before a game so that they're not too excited.
Pigs in a blanket! Wow.
Wow.
Stare much? What? No, no.
I'm hungry.
I was staring at the pigs in a blanket.
You're a pig in a blanket.
I can't wait to try this hot tub.
Oh, wow.
This is really nice.
Yeah, it's not bad, actually.
Right? Let's have a toast.
Yes.
Kevin and Jenny finally made it to the middle class.
Thank you, thank you.
Cheers.
No.
Jenny, I just finished the tour of your house, and I've compiled a list of all the things I do not want in my new house.
Taco, are you using that Mark Cuban check to write notes? Yeah, not only is it $1.
1 million, but it's also a great notepad.
Ooh, I do not want one of these in my new house.
Some people are just really desperate to bathe outside, I guess.
What, have you guys just never been clean your entire lives? Wow.
Oh, crap.
Now I got to dry that off.
Ah, who needs that guy, huh? We got a hot tub party happening here.
Come here, baby.
Babe, this is what we wanted when we got the hot tub.
I bet it's exactly what you wanted.
That was an accident.
Mm-hmm.
I'm just enjoying being in here with you, holding your hand.
Your hands are so soft and supple and sexy.
It just turns me on.
Kevin, I'm not holding your hand right now.
Um, it's actually my hand.
Huh? Oh, God, Kevin! It was super fun watching you ogle Sofia all night long.
No, I was ogling the moment, babe.
The moment took over, and you know, her body got in the way.
Kevin! Babe, you are the only person in the world that I'm attracted to, that I want to be with, that I love.
Really? Prove it.
Prove it? Yeah.
What? Whoa.
Right now? Mm-hmm.
You're putting a lot of pressure on the Kev-hog.
Yeah, I am.
Come on out, Kev-hog.
Oh, no, don't do that.
I get it now.
It-It's, yeah, it's not good.
Sooey! Is that a boar? Hello! Come out and play! Don't yell at him.
You're scaring him.
Please.
Well, now he's-he's in the cave now.
He's not coming out.
Six more weeks of winter.
No more.
We're done with it.
No more holding hands.
Wait, so it's my fault that you held Sofia's hand? Yes! Yes, 'cause now she wants to hold hands with me, and they're so delicate and beautiful.
It's like a Peyton Manning hard count.
She keeps drawing me offsides.
"Hold my hand!" and I jump.
It's a disease, Pete.
And you are like patient zero, so get it under control! Get it under control.
Okay, I don't want to hold hands, anyway.
It's fine.
Then don't do it! No more! Then don't hold hands.
Shake on it, no more hand holding.
Okay, we're shaking.
Here we go.
No more hand holding.
Do we all agree? Yes, we're done.
Look me in the eye.
Do you agree with me, no more hand holding? No more holding hands! We gonna hold hands anymore? No more! Hold my hand and look me in the eye and say no more hand holding.
No more holding hands.
All right, that's it.
I got bigger problems than you idiots.
I can't even perform for my wife right now.
Ooh, still having trouble down south, huh? I'm thinking about taking that andro lube and just smearing it all over my junk.
This time, I'm gonna take a Q-tip and I'm gonna go into the pee hole.
Hey, man, maybe the problem isn't what's in your pants.
Maybe the problem is your pants.
Hi, Russell.
Couldn't help but overhear what you're going through, and I can tell you that all these problems can be solved by a thinner gauge of pant.
Really? Yeah, I'm talking about love pants.
Love pants? What are love pants? They make pants out of microfibers so thin it's like a spider spun a glorious thin web all around your dick and balls.
I'm telling you, you're gonna experience the world in a whole new way.
Especially crowded subway rides.
Really? And horsing around at the dog park.
Watch this.
Did you feel that? No.
You would if you were wearing love pants.
You would feel the sweet caress of my hot breath.
So you're not a sex addict anymore, huh, Russell? No, not at all.
Hey, whose wine is that? Uh, it's Andre's.
Oh.
Where is Andre? I just saw him over by the jukebox.
So you guys are definitely saying that Montee Ball? Watch, he's getting advice from random dudes now.
Andre, come here.
Get over here! I'll be right back.
All right, see you, man.
What's wrong with you? What's up, dudes? What are you doing? What? What do you mean? I spent my whole lunch hour going over your shit lineup, and now you're over there getting your mind stuffed by some randos? Ah, that? That? Come on, that's nothing.
It was casual.
It wasn't serious.
Oh, it always starts off casual.
Yeah, always casual, Mr.
All-Input Andre.
I can take a lot of input.
I like to get advice from multiple dudes.
When you get advice from a guy, you're getting advice from every guy that that guy has ever gotten advice from.
You're being ridiculous.
I'm not gonna bring their advice over to this group, okay? I keep you guys protected.
And by the way, you're spreading your terrible advice over to them.
You're probably giving that group of guys Draids.
It's all fun and games until someone plays a quarterback on a bye week.
No more advice coming from us.
You have an addiction.
You need to deal with it.
Guys, come on! They don't mean anything to me! Andre, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know that you suffered from my addiction.
I don't suffer from your addiction.
It's about fantasy.
It seems like a fantasy, doesn't it? Until you start working at a Montreal sex club as "The Toilet.
" Did you do that? For three years.
Okay, look Don't do it, though.
I'm not gonna become a toilet, thank you very much.
Good.
Don't.
Don't.
I'm not.
Okay.
Okay.
You could make good money.
The manager's name is Rick.
This is sort of a house education for you, Taco.
It'll help you know what you like, what you don't like.
Yeah, well, I definitely don't like this.
It's a little too lower middle class for me.
I can see that.
Ooh, I like that, though.
The beer, that's good.
Can I help you with something? Yes, actually.
Does your place have a bathroom? Yes.
Wow, okay.
All right, I'll be back.
Hey, you stole Chalupa's baby wipes? Yeah, you're my Realtor.
Your wipes are my wipes.
I really like the space.
I just hate the stuff in the space.
Oh, well, that all goes as soon as you move in.
Yeah, and I have a little question.
That person's not gonna be in any house that I buy, right? Andre? Yeah.
I mean, he'll be there if you invite him.
No, of course not.
Well, then no, he won't be.
Oh, right.
Oh, actually, Jenny, now that you're here, I have a quick question.
I asked out this girl who works in the hat store at Barney's, and she's super hot and she's super hip, and I just want to find a really cool place to take her.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you asked me for the same advice last night.
I was on the phone with you for, like, an hour! It's a different perspective, that's all! Andre, no advice for you! You're cut off! And I'm not buying your place.
It's not for sale.
No deal! This lovely home is 2,800 square feet, three bedroom, three bath, two miserable human beings.
Nope.
Not interested.
No? Hello.
Oh, hey, guys.
It's 7:00 a.
m.
What are you doing in our house? Did he not talk to you about this? Thank you for the open house.
Appreciate it.
There is no open house.
Any unlocked house is an open house.
The house isn't unlocked.
You don't know much about real estate.
This place is white-hot garbage.
Kind of reminds me of your place.
It is my place.
You said you wanted to look at comps.
This would be a comp.
Yeah, well, I still hate it.
It's good to know what I don't like, though.
Oh, this commission better be worth it.
Good love pants are hard to find, but this is my spot, and my guy, November, he will hook you up.
Ah, Russell, welcome back.
This must be the square friend you were talking about.
The friend that you were talking about.
These are going to loosen you right up.
This was actually made from real silk worms in Peru that were raised in a vat of ayahuasca.
Okay, thank you.
I wish you well.
Nama-star.
Um, all right, I'll try them on, then.
"Underwear must be worn to try on pants"? Isn't that a given? November, is that because of me? Oh, it's absolutely because of you.
Recovery is a process.
Okay, um, I'm gonna try the pants on.
Hey, so now that he's gone, I wanted to ask you a little first-date advice.
I met this girl and I want to know, where do you think I should take her? Hot tub.
Hot tub? It's like a giant bowl of soup without the noodles.
You don't have to explain what a hot tub is.
We're the noodles.
I know what a hot tub is.
It's like a broth.
Very déclassé, okay? I want something a little bit more sophisticated.
What, like a restaurant with food? Yeah.
Girls don't like eating, man.
They like to sit in boiling hot water.
I'm not taking her on a hot tub date.
What am I gonna do, take her to my gym or break into Kevin and Jenny's house and, like, use their hot tub? A forbidden hot tub? That's the best kind of hot tub.
It's illicit.
Yeah, all right.
Uh, I don't think these are gonna work.
I mean, what-what is this? I feel like I look like Aladdin.
Let me tell you something about these pants, these pants gave me a son that I've never met and an arrest record in Maryland.
I don't feel anything different down there.
If they're too thick for you, we can go thinner.
November? Yes? We've got to go thinner.
Well, these are the thinnest that I've got.
Legally, I'm not allowed to call them pants.
They're a trouser-cut stocking.
I mean, take a look at that.
Wow.
Oh, yeah! All right, well, if I'm worried about feeling something down there, why don't I just go without underwear? That's too much sensitivity.
You couldn't handle it, okay? You don't want to fly too close to the sexual sun and melt your penis off like Dickarus.
I think you mean Icarus.
What's an Icarus? Jenny, you're all out of wipes, and your indoor outhouse is broken.
My beer and cheese breakfast is just sitting there.
You guys keep flushing all of the wipes down the toilet! They are not meant to be flushed.
You are going to break the toilet.
This whole house is a broken toilet.
Hey, babe.
Hey, what's going on? I am dealing with your brother, who just broke our indoor outhouse.
What? Because everyone's flushing all these wipes, our plumbing is going to explode.
Forget about Taco, forget about the plumbing.
My mom's gonna pick the kids up in a little bit, and we are gonna celebrate a proper sex-iversary at a hotel this evening.
Who knows where the night's gonna take us, but I have a sneaking suspicion it's gonna take us to sex.
You think you can make that happen? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Kev-hog is ready to come out of his hole, baby.
It's springtime.
Oh, I still don't love that metaphor, but I'm very excited.
I'll see you later, okay? All right, I love you.
Love you.
Love pants, huh? Game time.
Wear your underwear! Remember, Dickarus! What does that guy know? The sex addict.
He's gonna get chubs all the time.
I need all the help I can get.
Ooh! This is a whole new world.
Oh.
Oh, my God, there's movement already.
All right, time to take this Kev-hog for a walk.
Kevin? Oh, Sofia, hey.
How are you? Good, how are you? I'm great.
Oh, it's so nice to see you.
Good to see you.
Where's Ruxin? Oh, he's on his way.
He loves the flower mart.
He told us how much he loves it here.
Yeah, what are you doing here? I'm actually on my way to see Jenny, because it's kind of our anniversary, sort of.
That's cool.
Yeah.
That's why you're wearing these snazzy pants.
Oh-ho, no, no, no.
Uh, no, I'm actually, you know, just gonna pick up some flowers.
We got a hotel room.
Oh, you're so romantic.
She's so lucky to have you.
Thank you.
I know! That's what I tell her.
I want to help you.
Really? Come on, let's go.
This is gonna be fun.
Okay, so what flowers do you usually get her? Uh, about $50, $60 worth.
Okay, I am gonna hook you up.
This slipper orchid.
That is so beautiful.
Look at this one.
Wow.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, excuse me.
Sorry, my purse.
No, no.
Back over here.
No, man, come on.
Get a couple of these.
Come on.
Oh, God, okay.
It's really crowded here.
Yeah, yeah, it is.
Oh, wow, okay.
Hi.
No, no, no.
We're gonna find it.
We're gonna find what you're looking for.
Okay.
God.
I should've worn underwear.
Let's go over here.
Ooh, look at these.
I've never seen these before.
Wow.
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Um, let me see what's behind you.
I think Oh, wow.
This is a tiger orchid.
She would love these.
Great.
Just get them.
These are the ones that you want to get.
This is really beautiful.
No, you don't need it.
You don't need it, man.
Come on.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, no.
No! No.
Excuse me.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
That's tight.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Kevin? Kevin? Dickarus! Did you just drop hot soup on my wife?! Oh, my God! I got to get out of here.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Babe! Stay there.
He came on me! Don't come any closer.
I'll get you a hose! Babe! Oh, Sofia Ruxin, forever unclean! Babe, please! We could go to a movie.
You've been holding that empty cup for, like, 20 minutes.
When are you gonna throw it away? You know, I can't find a trashcan.
Oh, there's one.
Oh, great, thank you.
You know, those clouds are just so beautiful.
I feel like Oh, you see that bird? He's just, like, dancing back and forth.
Oh, you know, I think something bit me here.
Okay, um, I don't like holding hands, and I don't want to do it anymore.
It's just, I feel like we're those weird twins in The Shining, and it's not my thing.
Okay, that is the weirdest intimacy issue I've ever heard of.
It's a guy thing.
It's just not where our hands want to be.
Well, do you like it when I hold this? That's not a fair question.
Well, you still have to answer it.
Yes, yes, I like that.
Well, then you're gonna have to hold this.
Consider it the contact contract.
The contact contract? Mm-hmm.
So, are you willing to sign? Can we make it an oral agreement? I'll think about it.
Okay.
All right.
What are you doing here?! I saw everything! Oh, my God, Rafi, it was a mistake.
I-I did not mean This is like a dream come true for me.
Are you kidding? What? You marked Sofia today.
You know what that means? No.
That means she's yours.
I'm about to have my best friend marry my sister.
You are completely misreading the situation! I'm happily married to Jenny! Who, the woman that cleans your house, that dumb brunette? That's a housekeeper that comes once a week.
I married Jenny.
Brown hair The one I had sex with? You what?! Oh, great.
I'm sorry! I didn't know the difference between your housekeeper and your wife! Did you have sex with my housekeeper? Of course I did! She found me asleep in the crawlspace, hand stuff started happening, I don't know.
You had hand sex with my housekeeper? No, it started with hand sex, and then it turned into mouth sex, pussy sex, butt sex.
We went top to bottom.
T to B.
Okay, you know what, Rafi? I don't want anything to do with Sofia on that level.
Listen-- have you had one of her blow jobs yet? No.
No! They're amazing.
What? I've heard.
Okay, all right.
A buddy told me.
Please Uh, occupied.
Over-occupied.
There's a sign here that specifically reads "only one person per fitting room.
" I see four feet.
That's too many feet.
Sorry, we're just jerking off in here.
We'll be out in a minute.
No, we're not! I'm sorry, we're not J-ing off.
You want to get in on this, bro? No.
Was the offer to get in on it legitimate? No, it was not.
No, it was not legitimate.
Time to go.
Uh, we'll be out in a second, sir.
We are never coming out! We're not going anywhere! You will have to get the FBI.
Gattaca! We got, like, five minutes to get out of here.
Leave me alone.
I'm a happily married man.
There's no way you're happy! You have two kids! Your wife is a disaster! I'm going to take matters into my own hands! I will show her this.
She will divorce you.
You will become my brother forever.
No, give me! What are you doing? Give the Isn't this nice? See, there's nothing wrong with holding hands.
No! Yeah, what could go wrong? Ooh.
Sorry, Rosette! Should've had your hand free.
What happened? Oh.
No, no, no, no, no! Get it! Come on.
No! Sorry, I didn't mean it like that.
It's just, it's, you know.
Come on.
No, don't.
What are you What? No! No, Brian, no! Why did you do that?! That's it.
Time to go.
Oh.
Huh? I called the police.
This isn't them.
This is William.
He works across the street at the 98 Cent Store.
Get them, William.
Kevin, where are you? Happy sex-iversary.
Come on, guys, I'm late to meet my wife.
Yeah, she can wait.
You make me sick, you know? We're not that kind of store.
I mean, we were six months ago, and that's exactly the kind of behavior that got us in trouble.
You disgust me.
What? What is this, your number? No.
Look, I'm just a regular guy who came in his pants, you know? It happens.
All right, that's it.
Come on, get in the car.
What? Oh, come on, man.
Watch your head, you pervert.
Nice to meet you, Brian.
What? Hey, buddy.
Oh, no, no, no.
No.
What's going on? I don't want to go to prison.
Ooh, I hope we're cellmates.
That means we're prison married.
We could take turns being the girl.
I'm not tender.
Ready? And take off your blindfold.
Ta-da! It's a hot tub.
It's an aboveground hot tub.
It's just like The Bachelor.
Come on, this is fun.
It's adventurous, right? Is this your hot tub? No, I just kind of broke in here.
We broke in? Yeah.
You know, yeah.
This is, you know.
Can we steal stuff? Well, I actually know the people who live here, so I don't want You can steal stuff.
Whatever you want.
I have a spare key.
This is gonna be a pretty adventurous date, right? Yeah.
Come on, let's get in, all right? Okay.
This is fun, right? Yeah.
Adventurous.
I love breaking in.
You're sure no one's here? No one.
Get in there.
All right.
Love the moist pee bibs.
All right.
What? There are only, like, 20 or 30 pee bibs in there.
Come on.
Come on, flush, flush.
Ah, there she goes.
Oh, boy.
That didn't sound good.
Oh.
Is it supposed to do that? Don't you worry.
I will fix this.
Huh.
Huh.
Huh.
Huh.
These people live like animals.
Oh, my God, this hot tub Oh, my God!