The Mindy Project s06e05 Episode Script

1 So now you and Ben are officially donezo, any plans to get back in the saddle? My masseur is single and he has a beautiful ponytail.
Oh, no, you know, I think once you get divorced, that part of you that notices men just kind of dies.
- Thanks, Bill.
- You got it.
Like how after I graduated medical school, I just forgot everything.
See, I don't know, 'cause when Mother divorced Sheik Abdul, she swore she would never date again.
Two weeks later, she meets Larry King.
- Whoa, who 'dat? - Yikes.
Schwing.
Um, hello.
Hi, sir.
We couldn't help but notice that you look lost.
- Can we help you find something? - Or someone? Oh, Mormon missionaries.
Thanks, but I'm not interested.
Ha, ha, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're not religious.
We just thought you might be lost, and we'd be sad if anything were to happen to you.
Why? Because you're handsome, man.
What's your deal? I'm Jeremy.
This is my single friend, Mindy.
Hi.
Hey, I'm not lost, I'm David.
Sorry, I was checking out this building.
I'm a big architecture buff.
Oh, no way! Me too! You know this building was actually built as a brothel, and when it rains, you can still catch a whiff of parfum.
I too love architecture.
My favorite building? The M&M building in Times Square.
- Cool, that's a nice one.
- Yeah.
We actually work here at Schulman and Associates.
We're doctors, but don't be intimidated! I'm not that smart.
Wow, funny and friendly.
Are you sure you're New Yorkers? [POLITE LAUGHTER.]
You know, I have a patient right now, but if you're interested, maybe we could go get lunch sometime.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do it.
Perfect! I mean, I'm on a broth cleanse, but I could just bring the Thermos.
Actually, you know what? Sod it, I deserve to be naughty.
No, Jeremy, you can't go, 'cause remember you have to get your shin looked at? I don't know what you mean.
[YELPS.]
- I'm good with the broth.
- So it'll just be you and me.
[THEME MUSIC.]
He hasn't expressed romantic interest, but I feel it could last forever.
Wow.
Not cool.
I just read the RSVP's for mine and Anna's housewarming party; all of you said you're coming.
I have never been more offended.
[SCOFFS.]
Why? Because clearly a prank is afoot.
I know none of you are coming.
Look, I know the theme of the party come dressed as your favorite Meryl Streep character is a tad outré.
Fine, I am a tad outré, but this is just cruel.
And you know what? Sod it.
Sod you, the party's cancelled.
- [ALL EXCLAIMING.]
- What? Jeremy! We're all coming to your party.
If you cancel it, I will kill myself.
What are you talking about? Are you kidding me? I have the chance to express myself through a strong female character? I live for this.
Really? Yeah, Dr.
Reed.
You picked the one actress in America that everyone can get behind.
And she is so good at accents.
She's all, "If I must, I chose my son.
" She's so talented, I can ignore her politics.
And she seems genuinely excited to be nominated for awards, even the Golden Globes.
Yeah, she actually attends the ceremony, unlike some people, Maggie Smith! Darling, it's real.
They were all just discussing the costumes they were going to wear.
Guys, I'm so sorry.
I'm floored.
I'll see you at the party.
[WHISPERING.]
So, anyways Huh? Still not a prank! I know that.
I know.
So how's NYU going for you, Micaela? Is your roommate still stealing your yogurt out of your mini-fridge? Nope, she did semester at sea, and the boat disappeared.
Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways.
Now, so what can I do for you today? I was actually thinking about getting an IUD.
Oh, Micaela, I don't know.
I don't recommend an IUD unless a patient really doesn't want to have children for a very long time.
There's no way I'm bringing a child into this crazy world.
Did you know that all the bees are dying? And no one knows why? Oh, sure.
Everything's disappearing.
Icebergs, bees, our civil liberties, but this is a serious procedure.
I think you should think about it, and if you discuss this with your mother and your father You know what? A lot of my friends are going to this cool female doctor downtown.
Maybe she'll be a little less judgmental.
Judgmental? Well, my father was a judge, and my mother was mental.
- [SCOFFS.]
- So Karen! - Oh, hey, Dr.
Kimball-Kinney.
- Hello.
Hey, I finished polishing your rifle.
- It was loaded, by the way.
- Wonderful.
Now, Karen, would you be a doll, and tell me where you forwarded Micaela Kellerman's file to? The one that dumped you for a different doctor because you were being too patronizing? Patronizing? Sweetie, are you sure you understand that big word? I'm sorry, but I can't give you her new doctor's information due to the Patient's Bill of Rights, a copy of which I have posted right here.
Ah, Karen, I noticed that the magazines in the lunchroom are all out of order.
Code red! We got a code red! Let's see this Patient file sent to Dr.
Mary Hernandez.
The Lower East Side? Micaela could be in danger! Some of our most lecherous young actors live there! Wow, so you're a mechanical engineer.
I don't know anything about that.
Are you like Hugh Jackman in "Real Steel?" Yes, I create robots that then box each other for human entertainment.
It's really fulfilling.
- So you're an OBGYN? - Mm-hmm.
That was my dream job when I was 14.
- Do you like it? - I love it.
I mean, I get to bring life into this world.
And I also get to keep up to date on all of the new pubic hair trends, so Um, what about your co-workers? What are they like? Oh, the other doctors I work with? They're fine.
I want to find out more about your job.
Right, but it's not just doctors at your practice right? Like, there's nurses and there's receptionists.
- What about them? - I don't know why you care, but if you really want to meet them, one of my co-workers is having a party tonight.
You could come with me.
Absolutely.
I'm there.
Really? Guess it's a date.
Just so you know, I'm on medication for a bladder infection, so who knows what'll happen when I drink? Thank you for coming downtown with me today, Morgan.
I get nervous going south of 72nd Street alone.
Or North of 80th.
Pardon me.
You want to jump in real quick? Oh.
Pardon me, I'm sorry.
Just for a moment.
- Sorry.
- Pardon me, Miss.
Excuse me, Miss? Just one quick - Oh! Jesus! Oh! - Are you all right? - No! - Hola, little amigo.
Hey, I like your necklace.
Muy brillante.
Do you want something? - Uh, si.
- You're weird.
Do you want me to handle this young man? No.
Listen, I'll buy you a horchata if you tell me where I can find Dr.
Mary Hernandez.
I'm Dr.
Mary Hernandez.
Dr.
Hernandez, when I saw that my patient, Micaela Kellerman, decided to leave me and seek care with you, I noticed a couple of red flags.
He's referring to your gender and your race.
Oh, my.
I can't imagine why a patient would ever want to leave you.
No, madam.
He didn't mean that, he's overstimulated.
He just took his first taxi ride.
It's true.
It was amazing.
Taxi TV.
Michael Strahan was talking to me, like we're best friends.
Okay, I don't want to be rude, but I'm very busy, and this seems like nonsense.
Dr.
Hernandez, my patient Micaela was upset with me the other day, and rashly decided to leave me.
The thing is, she's a nice girl from a nice home, and I think our practice would be much more appropriate for her.
Dr.
Kimball-Kinney, I know that the Five Points Community Clinic doesn't offer the plush creature comforts of your Park Avenue practice.
Yes, we don't have a lot of money.
Yes, our posters are a little outdated.
So you agree with me then, well, fantastic.
Tell Micaela I'll see her in two weeks.
Why would I ever send her back? We're the highest-rated women's healthcare clinic in the city! Including yours.
That can't be possible.
I suspect voter fraud.
So while I can't offer her spa water or condescending, patriarchal advice, what I can provide her with is the best women's healthcare in Manhattan, and we do it for free.
¿Comprende, cabron? Yeah, we do.
Oh! The Chupa Chups are for the kids.
Oh! Karen! "The Devil Wears Prada.
" - I love it.
- Thanks.
Who are you? Oh, I'm Karen Blickson from "Out of Africa.
" I already owned the costume.
My family colonized Zimbabwe.
If you like Anna's costume, you will love mine.
Whoa.
Jeremy, darling, you look even more wonderful - than your sketches.
- Thank you.
Oh damn, Dr.
Reed.
Who are you? Surely you're joking.
I'm obviously Florence Foster Jenkins.
[SINGS AN ARPEGGIO.]
- Oh, come on.
You said it was - That was spot on.
Francesca, "Bridges of Madison County," right? Dr.
Kimball-Kinney.
- Oh yes, of course, Dr.
Gonzalez.
- Hernandez.
What are you doing here? Oh, dear, you're not catering on the side, are you? Because your patients don't have any money? No, Anna invited me.
We went to medical school together.
You went to Harvard Medical School? The Florida State University of the North? Then why are you working in a clinic with a metal detector? It's not great.
I can't wear an underwire bra without setting it off, but it's worth it.
I get to help patients in need.
I'm guessing that you don't understand that.
Well, that is not true.
I am very altruistic.
If a patient doesn't have insurance, I make sure they're very rich before I make them pay out of pocket.
Wow, that is truly moving.
I should go before I start to cry.
I've been up in New York long enough to recognize sarcasm, and to think just a moment ago, I was considering asking you to dinner.
[GASPS.]
Oh, no! Did I miss my chance to go out with you? Well, no, not quite, but you Oh, damn it.
I feel like I'm in that "Seinfeld" program.
- Wow, oh my gosh.
- ["MAMMA MIA" BY ABBA PLAYS.]
David, thank you so much for coming to this costume party with me.
Of course.
And might I add, you make a stunning Julia Child.
Oh thank you! I actually ate an entire boeuf bourguignon in preparation for the role.
- Oh, hi, Jody! - Oh, hello.
What Meryl Streep character are you? I'm Gail from "River Wild" obviously.
Oh, I haven't seen it.
Are you crazy? It's wonderful.
You try to disarm criminal madman Kevin Bacon while tackling category five rapids.
It's not easy.
David! You made it! Fantastic! Don't go anywhere.
I have three costume changes throughout the night.
[SINGS ARPEGGIOS OFF-KEY.]
Cool, now is this everybody? I thought you said your entire office was coming.
Uh, believe it or not, those are the two coolest.
- Do you want to meet them? - Yeah.
Okay.
Rock and roll will never die Hey, guys.
For some reason, David really wanted to meet you.
David, this is Tamra and Morgan.
Hey, I'm dressed as Meryl from "Death Becomes Her.
" I was gonna do "Sophie's Choice," but everyone kept saying I looked too hot in the costume.
Oh, yeah.
I am Ricki from "Ricki and the Flash.
" My favorite movie.
Yeah! Oh, Beverly, you must be the Witch from "Into the Woods.
" Nah, I'm just Beverly.
I can't believe this is happening.
You're Beverly? - Who's askin'? - I am.
I'm your son.
[MORGAN STRUMS DRAMATICALLY.]
Sorry.
Oh my God! Beverly, David's your son? It's true.
She left me in a basket in front of a Jazzercise studio! It was 1982.
Hold on! I'm so sorry.
The similarities between this situation and the plot of "Ricki and the Flash," which, once again, is my favorite movie, are stunning.
It's a good story, but how do I know I'm really your mother? Well, I was left with a cassette tape, - Oh, quiet! - Everybody be quiet! Be quiet! - Listen! There's a cassette! - Dr.
K, come here please.
- Come here, listen.
- Turn the music down, Mike.
Hi, whoever finds this baby, please take good care of him.
He likes a little Jim Beam in his bottle.
Don't come looking for me, you'll never find me.
Bus leaving for New York City! Okay, I gotta go.
Bye, little David.
Have a nice life.
Love, your mom, Beverly.
- Oh, come on.
- Okay, what do we know? It's clearly Beverly.
Play it back.
I'm gonna really listen.
Mom, is there somewhere we can speak in private? I have to go! Bev, Bev, Bev, Bev! Ah! She's my ride! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Wow, my mom just rejected me again.
David, Beverly is an odd duck.
And I'm sure she wants to get to know you, too, you know? Hey, why don't you come to the office tomorrow and talk to her one on one? Yeah, you're right, and maybe I shouldn't have sprung it on her like this.
What did I miss, everyone? Oh, it looks like a dingo ate my party.
Beverly, what the hell? You were awful last night! All right, all right.
You can have it all back.
My God.
My inhaler! I had to go to the hospital last night.
I'm allergic to wig glue.
No, not that! I was obviously talking about the way you acted around David, your hot and incredibly sweet son.
Lucky for you, I used my charm and good looks to get him to come here today for a do-over.
Why'd you do that? I don't want to see him! I'll make him another cassette.
Beverly, he's your son! He deserves a chance to talk to you.
I don't know, guys.
Maybe we're being too hard on her.
I never knew my parents, and I turned out [COUGHING.]
Oh, my God, my Lego man! All right, all right! I'll talk to him.
Thank God I'm wearing my fanciest outfit.
Corduroy skirt and a bolo tie.
Watch this.
Your closet or mine? Mm, I don't know.
I feel like a narc.
Are you kidding me? That's Patricia Heaton for Kohl's! You've never worn anything better than that.
It is chic.
No, but, Beverly, tell me the topics that are safe to talk about.
My cats, excitement for Christmas, Pier 1.
- Yes.
- Good, good, good.
- How to throw a knife! - No! No way.
How to get a knife through airport security.
- No knives.
- I think we avoid the knives.
Oh, hell.
Then what's the point? Okay, Beverly, think about it this way.
Wouldn't it be nice for you to have a relationship with your own flesh and blood? I have often thought about when I'm lying on my deathbed, who'll be there by my side, ready to smother me with a pillow? Guess I'd rather it be kin.
Damn, Beverly, you look kind of okay.
That son you abandoned is here.
- Aah! - Go, go! Anna, get your beautiful head out of that magazine.
I had a miserable time at your party last night.
Your Harvard classmate accosted me, told me I was self-centered, didn't care about the less fortunate.
- That sounds accurate.
- Could not have said it better.
Why am I the bad guy? No one at Schulman's is philanthropic.
Meanwhile, I helpfully tell every woman in the office to smile more! You know, we used to have this mobile medical van that we would drive into low income neighborhoods, but it got impounded when I parked in the Lincoln Tunnel.
Well, damn it, let's go un-impound it! - Follow me, Morgan.
- I got a lot of work, but okay.
Yeah, there she is.
There's the old girl.
Oh my God! Whoa, whoa! Geez Louise! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you sure that's safe in there, Morgan? All right, I'm gonna check it out.
Yeah.
I'll, uh Oh my God, it's like a raccoon cemetery in there.
- Fabulous.
- Give me 15 minutes.
Oh, my God.
Come on.
Come on, Bev.
Dr.
Reed, the hospital called.
Mrs.
Morgenthal is fully dilated and ready for you.
Just give her a copy of "In Style" and tell her to take some deep breaths.
Sit down.
Please! Oh my God! They're hugging! Jeremy, we did it! She was everything you could want in a mom! You know, lucid and warm, and you know, super excited about Christmas.
She did talk about taxidermy more than I would've imagined, but at least now I know how much stuffing it would take to fill me, you know? Well, that is very surprising, because Beverly is a bit of a controversial figure in this floor, so What? She's the best.
As a matter of fact, can you give her my business card? She's gonna e-mail me a list of mental illnesses and addictions I'm susceptible to, so Yeah, no problem.
Huh.
Wallet's gone.
Had it when I was talking to her.
I was sitting with her, and she patted me Step right up, ladies and ladies! We got the Schulman and Associates Mobile Health Unit! We got mammograms! We got pap smears! Come on, right in here.
I don't know what we're doing wrong.
How am I supposed to rub our free, quality healthcare in Dr.
Hernandez's pretty face and ample bosom if we can't get any patients? Oh! Oh! Maybe I should dress up like a woman, and I can stand behind you and talk about what a great doctor you are? I can do that, but it would be Ricki from "Ricki and the Flash.
" It's my favorite movie.
Have you seen that? Uh, excuse me, Madam.
Are you in need of healthcare services today? That depends.
Are you a doctor? All I see is two suspicious men in front of a damaged van.
I assure you I'm fully licensed, and I can see you right away.
I just need some antibiotics.
I have a really bad UTI.
I held in my pee for an entire women's march.
I told people those were a bad idea.
Come with me, I'll take care of you.
Hey! What is wrong with you? How could you steal from your son? Yes, I take Leo's Halloween candy, but only after he's gone to bed! Well I don't know what to tell you; I'm just a bad person.
That's what everybody says, and now I guess it's true.
Hey, stop! Stop.
That is not true.
Remember the time I had too many margaritas at Jeremy's Miss America pageant viewing party? And you took my car keys away from me.
Yeah, but I made a copy of the keys, and I've been using your car ever since.
Okay, well, what about the time when I didn't know if I should leave Danny or not, and you told me I would be fine by myself? That was good advice.
I just told you that 'cause I wanted him for myself.
Okay, that is ridiculous, Beverly.
Sit down.
- Sit! - Okay! I don't get it.
David said that you guys were having a great talk.
Why would you ruin everything by stealing his wallet? I don't know.
Why did I steal your identity? It's just who I am! Okay, I didn't know you had done that, but can I tell you what I think? I think you stole his wallet because you wanted to push him away, because it was easier to do one bad thing than to have a relationship with your son for the rest of your life.
Well, you may be right.
But I also wanted a picture of him.
He looks just like his dad, Tavis.
Well, I think you'll feel a lot better if you go upstairs and give this back to him.
And put in a good word for me, because you owe me now.
Ha! My son can do better than you! Yeah, but he doesn't know that yet.
Just listen to what I say.
All right, all right, I'm going, I'm going.
Sofia, it's nice to meet you.
Here's your birth control for this month, and here's your prescription for the rest.
Oh, thanks, but uh I don't think I can afford this.
I don't have health insurance.
My word, I've been hearing that a lot today.
I thought that was something liberal media just made up, like police brutality, but don't worry, the prescription's on us.
You know what? Next month, you come see me at this address.
I'll give you your next pack.
Pharmaceutical companies give those away like candy.
Thank you so much, Dr.
Kimball-Kinney.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Goodbye, Paula.
Remember to take all of your antibiotics.
Otherwise humankind will be wiped out by a super-bug.
And enjoy this weather! - Woof! - Right? What a day! Man, that was just like go, go, go! And now, here we are.
And yet as tired as I am, I haven't felt this fulfilled since I felled the wild hog that gored Grandmother.
Wow.
Well, well, well, Dr.
Hernandez.
What a surprise.
A surprise? Is it? You tagged me in a taunting Instagram with the hashtag "Clinicfail," # jodyhasmoregenerositythandrmary hernandez.
Real quick, hold on, that was me.
I run the social media for Schulman and Associates, so I apologize for for tagging you.
Look, Mary, I will admit that this mobile unit began its mission out of spite, much like the space race or a Taylor Swift video.
Great, then you can just leave But after helping all these women in need, something strange happened.
I began to feel good about myself.
- What? - Yeah, I was as shocked as you.
But yes, I enjoyed helping people for free! I'm sorry I was so dismissive.
I've never seen him this happy outside of Derby Day.
Really? Well, I hate to admit it, but having you here was a help.
Well, then you wouldn't mind if Morgan and I came back next week? Great, but maybe Morgan could not use our bathroom so much.
- Ah, yeah.
- I'm sorry.
I can't agree to that at this moment in time.
- He'll use it less.
- I won't use it less.
I don't know.
I don't know how I'll feel next week.
I'll make sure.
Then I guess I'll see you next week.
I look forward to it.
Oh, oh, my gosh.
Sparks! [IMITATING ELECTRICITY.]
It's like frickin' aluminum foil in the microwave.
Well, I hope you can come visit me on Long Island sometime.
We'll be there.
Sometimes just me alone.
That's not gonna work.
You know I'm married, and I have two kids.
What? You're married? Where's your ring? I'm allergic to metal.
You have a metal allergy? What a crock! What a waste of time! Ah, come on! - [SIGHS.]
- Okay.
Ah.
[LAUGHTER.]
Bye.
Oh, remember what I told you: The government's coming for our guns! I love you too, Mom.
Oh, wait.
Still got it.
Well, Beverly, looks like even you are capable of being a good person sometimes.
Aw, shut up.
Thanks.
Where's my purse? Go to bed.