The Neighborhood (2018) s06e05 Episode Script

1
TV HOST: what detectives
found in that trunk
may have looked like hamburger,
but it wasn't even from a cow.
It's a body.
Everybody knows it's a body.
Nobody puts loose meat in the trunk.
Hey, Calvin. We just wanted to
stop in and see how you're feeling.
Ah, you know, I'm a little sore
(GASPS) Oh, are you
watching Murder On Trial?
I love this show.
I bet you think it's the husband.
Of course it's the husband.
It's always the husband.
Nope. It's the deacon.
I should've known you couldn't
trust no deacon in leather pants.
- Mm-mm.
- All right.
Calvin, it's time you take
a break from this TV
and start to take in
the wonders of nature.
Might I suggest bird-watching?
You may not.
I like my birds dead,
breaded and with a biscuit.
Which you will not be having.
You heard what the doctor said.
You got to cut down on the sodium
while you're on these meds.
Oh, yeah, and sodium's in everything.
You know what? Let me go to the kitchen
and clear out all the salty snacks.
(IMITATES SCREECHING TIRES)
- Go, go.
- All right.
- Go, go.
- Hey.
Thank you, Dave, but Calvin's got it.
He's gonna be eating leafy greens,
while I'm getting my hair done,
and staying off that leg.
- Right, Calvin?
- Yes, babe.
- All right.
- Take care, Calvin.
Yeah. If you need me,
- I'm just a phone call away.
- Okay.
- All right.
- (DOOR OPENS)
Calvin, don't forget,
they're delivering our new towel warmer.
I know.
You have to sign for it.
Yes, you told me.
Do you have a pen?
Babe, I'm sure the deliveryman
will have a pen.
Mm-mm.
See, that's the kind of assumption
that will lead me to not
getting my towel warmer.
- Here's a black and a blue pen.
- Okay.
Bye, sweetie.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
TV HOST: Coming up
after Murder On Trial,
it's Dead in Wyoming,
followed by an all-new Stabbed.
How can there be this much murder?
I mean, soon enough, there
won't be anybody left alive
to watch these shows.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Man, I can't believe I'm
doing this stupid Dave idea.
Oh, look, a brown bird.
Oh, wow, a black bird.
Hey, man, what are you doing?
Either walk or run, pick one.
Well, hello.
Who's your new friend, Old Man Beasley?
Is that the walk of shame I'm seeing?
Mm-mm-mm.
Oh, look at you.
Picking up after your dog. (CHUCKLES)
Now that's a good neighbor.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on!
Oh, hell no!
Don't be throwing your
trash in my trash!
- Daddy!
- Hell!
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Pop, you hungry?
Hey, hey, Malcolm, you know that
empty house across the street?
Well, last week, somebody moved in.
Okay.
Get this, they just had
six bags of groceries
and three bags of ice delivered.
I think they're turning into one
of those Airbnb party houses.
Because of some groceries?
No. Because they also
got a karaoke machine.
Oh. Okay. Uh, Pop, you are
sounding like a Karen.
Karens be right sometimes.
(MOUTHING)
Look, uh, I'm just saying,
you're gonna be trying to sleep,
and all you're gonna hear is
(IMITATES DANCE BEAT)
(IMITATES WOMAN): "Oh, my
God, I can't find my shoes."
On the off chance you are
hallucinating from hunger,
let's get some food in you, okay?
- What do you feel like eating?
- Oh, oh, oh, you know what?
I want that, uh, pulled pork sandwich
- from the place on Cresthaven.
- Yeah. No.
Come on.
I am under strict orders from Mama.
Healthy and low sodium.
Well, your mama's not
here right now, all right?
- Man
- She's at the salon
getting her hair done,
so she doesn't have a say.
But-but just in case,
stop at that salad place
on the way home.
You want a salad, too?
No, I just want the bag.
Your mama might check the trash.
You know what I'm saying?
Here.
And pay cash for the sandwich.
Go on, now.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Yeah. (GRUNTS SOFTLY)
Calvin?
Oh, hey, babe. I didn't
order no sandwich.
No, I got an alert on my phone
saying they tried to deliver
my towel warmer,
but nobody was home.
No, babe, I've been right
here the whole time.
Well, I'm gonna request a redelivery.
Oh, I got to go, the purse guy is here.
Excuse me.
How much is that Gucci?
Tina, don't get that, it's fake!
Oh, bye.
Why you got your blinds closed?
What you trying to hide?
Dad, what are you doing?
I'm trying to figure out
why this degenerate across the
street has his blinds closed.
He's probably one of those crazy people
who thinks he's being watched.
Exactly.
Dad, you asked me to
come home right away
to help you with a computer problem.
Marty, I need you to find out
what's going on with that
house across the street.
That's not a computer problem.
Son, there's nothing more important
than shutting down a party house.
Those things are popping up everywhere.
Causing parking problems,
noise at all types of hours,
strangers coming and going,
and all-night karaoke orgies.
I won't have that in my neighborhood.
It's situations like this that
makes me want an HOA,
except I don't want to pay $45 a month
to have somebody tell me
I can't have a purple door.
You don't have a purple door.
No, but I want the option.
Come on, Marty. Come on,
you got to help me figure out
who owns that house across the street,
see if it's on a rental site.
You know, hey, check the dark web.
Daddy, all of that is
on the regular web.
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Okay, okay.
Hey, baby.
- (DRYER WHIRRING)
- Calvin, the app says
that the package is out for redelivery.
Please don't miss it this time!
Are you in a helicopter?
I'm under the dryer!
Tina, it is some crazy stuff
going on in our neighborhood.
Nefarious.
It's what?
Nefarious!
Who's Darius?
Why are we talking about Darius?
I don't know! You brought him up!
Look, I got to go, baby. Okay.
Hey, would you grab me some water?
- I need to take my pills.
- Yeah, I got you.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Ooh, ooh, that's probably
your mama's package.
- G-Get the door for me.
- On it.
- Stay right there!
- Okay.
Not you. Get the door.
- (KNOCKING)
- Don't move.
Make up your mind!
(VEHICLE DEPARTING)
Oh, damn it. He's gone.
You see what you did?
Actually, I don't.
Find anything yet, Marty?
No. I've checked Airbnb, VRBO,
and karaoke-orgies-dot-com,
which which does exist,
but you do not want to go there.
Well, keep looking, son.
The truth is out there.
All we got to do (GASPS) God, Dave!
Hey, neighbor.
Uh, found this in the front door.
- Oh, thanks, Dave.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
Damn delivery driver
thinks he's Usain Bolt.
So, is there anything
I can help you with?
Dave, you know what?
I got a question for you.
How do you feel about
living across the street
from an Airbnb party house?
Not good at all!
We got to nip this thing in the bud.
For the record, I'm not seeing
a listing for that house.
Are you on the dark web?
Yeah, sure.
Good. Good.
Good, good.
Now, Dave, make yourself useful
and go and get that guy's name.
O-Okay, well, how do I do that?
(CHUCKLES): It's a piece of cake.
Just go through his mailbox.
Calvin, that's a federal crime.
Since when?
Since mail.
Okay. Well, Dave, I'm not
telling you to commit a crime.
I'm just saying,
if you innocently walked
past the mailbox
and accidentally rammed into it,
and the mail inadvertently fell out,
and you mistakenly shuffle through it
and by happenstance
saw the guy's name,
that's not on you.
That's on the inquisitive
nature of universe.
Gemma, if I go down for this,
wait for me.
So, what's this guy done, anyway?
- Oh, uh
- Oh. Oh!
Brace yourself, Gemma.
He's purchased food and
been nothing but quiet.
Hmm.
Oh, that's not good.
It's always the quiet ones.
Who's always the quiet ones?
The murderers.
Murderers?
Gemma, listen to yourself.
You've been watching those shows
so long, you're seeing things.
Thank you.
Things the rest of us are missing.
Right?
Ah.
That mailbox just hit me.
Gosh!
Forget it.
- MAILMAN: Dave!
- (CHUCKLES) Hey.
You okay, man?
Yeah, no, I'm great. I was just
trying to pay our new neighbor a visit.
What's his name, again?
I'm so terrible with names.
Save me the embarrassment. Uh
Huey? Dewey? Louie?
It's on the tip of my tongue.
(CHUCKLES)
It's on the It's on
the tip of my tongue.
Well, when someone says that,
you're supposed to give me the name.
I don't know.
Hey, have you ever
actually met this guy?
I'm not answering that
without a lawyer present.
Okay, look, Randall,
I just need this guy's name.
I'm trying to save this neighborhood.
All right, Dave.
You know I'm not supposed
to let you look at the mail,
but you are the only person
on this entire route
that tips me for Christmas.
- You buy me birthday cards.
- Well
And, uh, you were there
for me in my dark times.
Look at it.
Thanks, Randall.
And you know what? Don't worry about it.
She's gonna come back.
She ain't.
She, uh, she married a
FedEx guy, and, uh
I can't compete with that.
All right. Here you go, Pop, lunch.
Aw, that's what I'm talking about.
It's been a full day of solving crimes.
- I am starving.
- (GEMMA CHUCKLES)
Ooh, did you see the 48 Hours
about the quiet neighbor,
but it turned out he fed
his wife to piranhas?
Where'd they get the piranhas?
I think you can just get piranhas.
Calvin!
Uh, Malcolm, there's
bread on this salad.
Really? The fake bag trick?
I was bullied, Mama.
I know, baby, I know.
Look, babe, in my defense,
you're not supposed to be here.
Since when do you get your hair done
in less than eight hours?
Well, it was a slow
gossip week, you know?
Nobody got cheated on, nobody got fat.
Everybody's thriving.
Okay, I got the guy's name.
I feel so dirty about it.
But also exhilarated.
I don't know how to feel.
Is this a gateway crime?
Am I becoming a career
criminal like my father?
Am I okay with that?
Dave, just just tell us the name.
(SIGHS)
His name is Simon Throckmorton.
- I knew it!
- (GASPS) You did?
Well, not that name specifically.
I just knew he had a name.
What? Wait a minute,
what is going on here?
Babe, I'm not gonna
sugarcoat it for you.
We got a murderer living
across the street.
What?
- All the signs are there.
- CALVIN: Yeah.
- Like what?
- Like, there are no signs,
which is the biggest sign.
Okay, no, no, no. Y'all are tripping.
Y'all been cooped up
watching these murder shows.
Y'all are losing your damn minds.
Yeah, I agree, Mama.
You two watch so much true crime
- you see murder everywhere.
- Ooh!
Calvin, did you see the second
season of Murder Everywhere?
It's self-contained.
You don't have to watch season one.
Wait, what Wait a minute.
You just can't go around accusing people
when they've done nothing wrong.
Actually
Ooh, ooh, the dark web. What you got?
That name Dave found,
Simon Throckmorton?
It's a weird name,
so I searched it on Facebook,
LinkedIn, Instagram.
All of his profiles were
created last Thursday.
(GASPS) The day he moved in.
MARTY: Yeah. That's not
even the weird part.
The weirdest part is
no friends, no posts.
Not even a profile picture.
I knew it.
I knew that guy was suspect.
All right, well, how do we find
out who this guy really is?
The dumpster.
He's been tossing his
crap in my dumpster.
Maybe there's something in there
that'll let us know who he really is.
Can you dig through another man's trash?
Hey, once it's in my dumpster,
it's my trash.
Okay, I'll go out there and dig around.
- All right.
- All right.
Dave, are you really gonna let your wife
dig through a filthy dumpster?
Oh, well, I don't know.
You seemed so excited about it.
Dave!
All right. Malcolm, you want to come?
Uh, yeah. Hell no.
CALVIN: Is he putting on hand sanitizer
- before he goes in the dumpster?
- Yeah.
- There's Throckmorton.
- (ALL GASP)
Boy, he looks familiar.
Maybe because y'all been
staring at him all day.
GEMMA: Oh, my God.
I know where I know him from.
It was on that 48 Hours
about the mob murder in Kansas City.
Oh, you know what, I saw that one, too.
Throckmorton is actually
- Salvatore "Big Sal" Molisani.
- Yes! Yes!
Isn't that name a bit of a stereotype?
I didn't name him, Marty.
But that guy is a
button man for the mob.
Mm-hmm.
- MALCOLM: What's he doing with that rug?
- GEMMA: Uh-oh.
MARTY: I don't know,
there's something in it.
Oh, snap, you guys might be right.
There's something heavy in there.
Mm-hmm. And it ain't a
standing, oscillating fan,
I can tell you that much.
- No. No, that's a corpse.
- (GEMMA GASPS)
And he's gonna throw it in my dumpster.
- But Dave's in the dumpster.
- CALVIN: Ooh.
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hello?
- Dave, you gotta get out of there.
Gemma, I can't right now.
Some maniac threw batteries away.
You know, that's hazardous waste.
Dave, forget the batteries.
I won't do it, Gemma.
This is the only planet we've got.
Dave, you are in real danger.
Oh, I know. I also just
touched raw chicken.
Hey! Occupied!
What the hell?
Dave, run!
Oh!
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm throwing trash in a dumpster.
Why are you in there?
Hey, man, don't try to put this on me.
Dave, get in here!
Have a seat.
What the hell?
(CRIES OUT)
I'm gonna call 911. Lock the door.
Do not let Molisani in.
- Who's Molisani?
- Big Sal.
- Who's Big Sal?
- Throckmorton.
Somebody tell me what's going on here!
They have all lost their minds,
and my towel warmer is God knows where.
Uh, 911? We're at 1170 Evergreen Drive.
There is a murderer outside.
Oh, and we got white people here.
- Scream, Gemma.
- (SCREAMS)
- See?
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
(DAVE AND GEMMA SHRIEK)
They sure come fast when
you say "white folks."
It's not the police,
it's the delivery guy.
- No, no!
- Don't do it, baby. Don't.
Finally. Okay. Thank you so much.
All right. I'm gonna
plug this bad boy in
and warm some towels.
(ALL SCREAM)
Who are you people,
and what are you doing?
Who are we?
We live here. Who the hell are you?
Okay, now, Tina, Tina, back away.
We've called 911, and they know
there's white people here.
Don't try anything.
I have pepper spray in
my purse next door!
And I have raw chicken literally
all over my hands right now,
so come get some.
I don't know what's going on here,
but you better get
your ass out my house.
Baby, baby, get back.
Big Sal's gonna kill us.
- What?
- With this?
I'm having a panic attack.
Why are you calling me Big Sal?
Oh, we saw you on 48 Hours.
We know you're a mob hit man.
And we don't say that
about all Italian-Americans.
We know the vast majority
are upstanding citizens.
You idiots! I'm not Salvatore Molisani.
I'm the one who testified against him.
Oh, you're
Giuseppe Zabarino.
- So you're not a murderer?
- No.
Okay. Well, then, why did
you change your name?
So I don't get killed.
I'm in a program
that protects
you know, witnesses.
Oh
- The Witness Protection Program?
- (CRIES OUT)
We're not supposed to say it, but yes.
I've been setting up so
my family can join me.
So that house is not even a party house?
No. It's a safe house.
Well, it was a safe house.
Ooh, that's our bad.
Now I gotta move my family again.
We all gotta get new fake names.
Oh, my kid, he just learned
to spell Throckmorton.
I mean, it's kinda
spelled like it sounds.
Gosh, I-I feel terrible.
You know, send me your new address.
We'll send you a plant or something.
You have no idea how
Witness Protection works.
You know, Gemma, I think
we've learned something.
Stop watching those murder shows
and stay out of people's business?
No.
To always listen to our guts.
We knew there was
something up over there.
Yeah, we just prevented a
known associate of the mob
from moving onto our street.
Hey, way to go, partner.
Keeping our neighborhood safe.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Pasadena police. We had a report
of a white woman screaming.
Yeah, that-that would be me.
It-it was a false alarm.
I thought I saw a spider.
Blondes.