Veep s06e05 Episode Script
Chicklet
Ma'am, American University is a fine institution.
American University sounds like a made-up college in Egypt.
Okay? I don't want my library there.
Well, technically, it wouldn't even be a library.
- What? - It won't be a library, ma'am.
No, I heard her.
You understand that, Amy, that even Richard has trouble understanding you? You would be donating all of your papers, gifts, and ephemera to them, to their library.
Well, of course the dresses.
I think No, they don't want the dresses! You know that every president since FDR has had a goddamn library, okay? Even that sanctimonious fraud Carter had a library.
American University, it's like American Univer-shit.
- (GASPS) Hey! - (CROWD CHEERING) SELINA: Thank you.
Thank you! I just wanna say that I am so proud to be here - as a part of - National Volunteer Week.
National Volunteer Week.
- (CROWD CHEERING) - Yeah, really important.
(LAUGHS) Okay, thanks.
- Super.
Great! - (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) - How about that? How about that? - (CROWD CHEERING) - I also do wallpaper.
- (ALL LAUGHING) Thank you guys so much.
It's been so much fun.
I love this T-shirt, too.
It's just so happy and wonderful! - (CROWD CHEERING) - Bye-bye! Thank you! Thank you.
Get this T-shirt off of me.
I look like I'm trying out for "The Price is Right.
" God Almighty, I wish I'd been assassinated in office.
No, don't say that! Although, with my luck, I'd be then crippled for life, sitting in a wheelchair in my reading room with my name on the thing.
They haven't agreed to putting your name on anything, ma'am.
- What? - They said they haven't agreed to putting your name on anything, ma'am.
That food was just disgusting.
Why did we even go there? Do you want me to get you anything else? You didn't eat anything.
Oh, God, I hate every food ever, from everywhere.
- Have you tried ice cream? - Ugh.
You know what, I was gonna wait until afternoon tea, but I have got a fun surprise for ya.
They have unveiled your wax figure at Madame Tussauds! - Oh, is that the fun part? - Check that out.
What?! They have me next to Gerald Ford? Is this the Hall of Half-Term Wonders? I thought that was Craig T.
Nelson.
God, can nothing go right for me, ever?! What can I do? What can I do? I will fix it.
SELINA: Why do they even have a wax figure of Ford? - I don't know.
- The real one was made of wood.
Get them to move me next to to Lincoln or to Mao - or some other game-changing icon! - Aw, yes.
That's what I am.
Don't make that noise! (WHINING) Just do it before I melt down that whole collection and use it to wax Madame Tussauds' big, fat, nasty snatch! Oh, God, no.
My pantyhose go up so high.
Ma'am, it's normal to experience a temporary depression after a heart attack.
I went through it with my father.
He was unbearable.
Trust me, Amy, it was not the heart attack that depressed your dad.
And anyway, I'm not depressed.
I just feel like I'm a thick, dark fog and everyone disappoints me and nothing works out, and what's the point of anything anyway? And before you ask, it's not because I'm not sleeping, okay? 'Cause I'm getting 14 hours of sleep a night.
Hey, ma'am, if you ever wanna talk to a therapist, - I got a great gal.
- (SCOFFS) Wendy and I went to see her when things were rocky.
Both of them went to town on me.
It was brutal.
I cried so hard, I threw up, but it was the best thing I've ever done.
Okay, look at me, Mike, all right? Not crazy, okay? - You know, Mom - What? therapists can help with all kinds of problems that aren't necessarily mental illness.
I mean, my woman is amazing.
You're in therapy? Since when? Since I was 13.
Well, what you really needed was a dermatologist.
Ma'am, have you done any more thinking about Catherine and me moving into Mee-Maw's after the baby is born? Okay, Marjorie, that's, like, 14 things that I can't, you know (GRUNTS) - So - You know, Dr.
Diane thinks that it would be really great if you could come in, that it could really open up and facilitate good communication between the two of us.
Okay, well, Dr.
Diane is an asshole, okay? I'll tell you what else, I'm not gonna carry that.
I'm not carrying that either.
Oh, Richard, can Catherine and I speak with you for a moment? Well, you're the boss.
Richard, are there any hereditary issues that run in your family? Well, my father and I both hate eating butterscotch, but love to say it.
Butterscotch.
Sorry, why do you ask? Thanks.
- (HORN HONKING) - Oh, fuck! "Wethinks Danny Boy Toy doth protest too much.
'Himbo' Egan Dan-ies affair with NewsMILF, McCabe.
" All right, you know what? Fuck that.
Hey, this isn't a library! Oh, no, it's a graveyard that sells gum.
- Print is dead.
- You wanna buy some gum? No, I get all my gum on Amazon.
CATHERINE: But if the check is for the Rare Bird Conservancy, then why does it have to go through the Andrew H.
Meyer Trust? That's a good catch, little Cat.
Um, you know what? Just for tax purposes, why don't you make it out to cash? That's easy, hmm? I'll just leave it blank.
It's not your drop-by day.
I couldn't wait another moment to see my two favorite daughters.
What? Where did little Madge disappear to, anyway? You asked her to wait by your street meter in case it ran out.
Right.
Darn.
(DOOR CLOSES) Morning, ma'am.
Hey, we really need to I will wait in the living room.
You're not giving any money to the Music Man here, are you, sweetie? Have you no shame? - And, Mom.
- What? - Here is your monthly allowance.
- Okay.
And what chores do you do around the house to deserve that? I show assholes the door.
(CHUCKLES) Well, regardless, I bid you both adieu.
- Flattering skirt.
- Shut up.
Hey, Mike, sorry.
I gotta get running.
But your investment is doing well.
I've never gotten a statement.
Here's a statement your investment is doing quite well.
- Can you believe the nerve of him? - No, I can't.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Ma'am, actually, I gotta talk to you.
I got another call from the publisher.
We need to buckle down and start writing the book, okay? What if we started with when Hughes selected you as his veep? I mean, the lies.
The flagrant self-interest! Do you have any memory of that moment? Any details, any specifics? You know, during my first win for Congress, he was cheating on me during the entire campaign and said it was my fault.
- I didn't know that.
Okay.
- Yeah, absolutely he did.
Andrew said that he was campaigning long hours at the office for me.
But what was he doing? He was fucking Louise Kellog for me, my goddamn press secretary.
'Cause that's what he does, see? - He makes you - Who was your opponent in that race? Uh, I don't know.
Some old white guy.
They're all the same.
And it was a really tight race.
Everybody said I was gonna lose, and people were saying I was cold and that I was unrelatable.
Down, down.
Whatever happened to Louise Kellog? Oh, God, I made Andrew can her slutty can.
And then we just hired the least fuckable press secretary we could find.
Huh, that's actually right when I started working with you.
Hey, get up.
- What? - Give me that fork.
- What? What? What gives? - Up, up.
Fundraising laws no silverware.
Yeah, if you sit, it's a meal, which is a gift, which is a bribe, which is a line of prison inmates standing on each other's shoulders trying to sodomize you.
Well, my feet hurt and I'm really hungry.
Well, that's why we told you to eat a big meal before you got here! Well, I wasn't hungry then! And I need to go to the bathroom.
You just went.
Hey, here he is, the Macher of the Moment.
- Mr.
Tanz.
- Jonah, I want you to meet my wife, Lia, and daughter, Shawnee.
Yeah, what'd I tell ya? He's tall, huh? Hi, Mrs.
Tanz.
Ms.
Tanz, you are smoking.
I'm the daughter.
Gross.
- We have a six-year-old.
- Oh, mazel tov.
Listen, I have a thought I wanna make sure that when you talk about Daylight Savings Time, you don't forget to talk about crime.
It'll get dark earlier all year long, which means more burglaries and murders and rape through the roof.
Wait, isn't that bad? Wait, wait, you didn't let me get to the best part.
More crime means more for-profit prisons.
We're gonna lock 'em up and we're gonna fry 'em.
What are you, a monster? If you kill them, they can't get arrested again.
- That's how we make our money.
- Processing fees.
SHAWNEE: Right, which you would know if you hadn't been losing a battle of wits with a meatball.
Great candidate, Dad.
Impressive.
I can see why you married the other one.
- That's my Shawnee.
- BEN: Yeah.
- Moe.
- You better go and fix this, okay? And go do it fast before Kent invites her to a Sudoku weekend in Vermont.
- I don't like that.
- Just go.
Uh, excuse me, Shawnee.
I don't know what your problem is, but I've been underestimated my entire life.
Failure to thrive at birth fuck that.
Puberty at 19.
When it hit, it hit like a fucking thunderbolt.
Third grade reading level in the tenth grade.
Everything that I have been through in my entire life has only made me stronger and taller.
Get those fucking meatballs away from me.
MIKE: Ma'am, can you believe the sun is up? (SELINA GASPS) Oh, look at this.
There's my horse, Chicklet.
Aw.
I begged Daddy to get her for me, and he did.
I remember he said, "Squirrel, you're an intense little girl, and now you finally have a friend.
" - Aw, he called you "Squirrel.
" - Mother up and sold her.
She hated all animals that she couldn't eat or wear.
Anyway, eventually, Daddy changed that stable into his office.
So, how did he die? Heart attack.
Like father, like daughter.
Boy, I'll tell you, I remember that night he died 'cause his secretary came banging on the door at, like, 2:00 AM.
- Oof.
- We don't have to talk about this stuff - if you don't want to.
- No, it's okay.
I like talking about it, even with you.
Hmm, see? I'm not so bad once you get to know me after 20 years.
- Yeah, exactly.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) MIKE: In 10 years, we'll be taking vacations together.
(SELINA LAUGHING) Go on! - I'd go to Sandals.
- I hope the book's done by then.
Well, the book better be done in 10 years - or I'll be broke as a - (CHUCKLING) What's going on here? You guys having a party party by the fire? - SELINA: Yes! - Oh, can I join? - Sure! - Oh.
- We're so glad you're here.
- Aw.
- I need breakfast.
- Okay.
- Oh, can you help me up? - Sure.
Here, okay.
I'll I'll get you from the back.
- Get off of me! - Right.
So, what do you want for breakfast, Mike? I usually have an eight-egg white omelet.
- And do you have sausage patties? - What is this, Yonkers? - Just go and get sausage patties.
- Right, sure.
- Do you wanna see my yearbook? - Yeah! - Oh, yeah.
- High school years.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- (MIKE GRUNTS) - Are you guys, like, besties now? - I don't know.
She hasn't yelled at me in, like, 24 hours.
- It's weird.
- It is weird.
Hey, did you get me out of the Gerry Ford ghetto? I did.
You're bowing next to President Lu.
- Good.
- Can I see? Yeah, sure, sure.
- CATHERINE: Morning! - MARJORIE: Morning.
- Hey! - You guys had a slumber party.
Yeah! So, listen, we're about to get breakfast - and Gary's gonna go - Look at this.
and get something called sausage patties.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! Look at the guy.
He's like We still don't eat meat, Mom, and we're on our way out.
- In your pajamas? - It's athleisure-wear, ma'am.
- Okay, that's not a word, Marjorie.
- That's disgusting! - Close it.
- All right, well, I don't even know why I try with those two.
- Honestly.
- Hey, ma'am, before we get back to work, would you mind writing a letter of recommendation to the Harper Day School? We're just trying to get Ellen in there, and it'd be really good.
- Wait, who? - My oldest daughter.
- Oh, that Chinese one? - Sure.
You write it, I'll sign it.
- Really? - Sure! Thank you so much, ma'am.
Thank you.
- Look at this.
- (GASPS) Oh, my gosh.
Did you ever go through an awkward phase? (LAUGHING) No! RICHARD: Wow, I can't believe I'm gonna be a father! A lot of responsibility.
You just signed away all responsibility.
I've never done this before.
You just go in the room and Uh, I've never shook the devil's hand.
- Oh! - You mean masturbate? Oh, self-husband.
- Does it hurt? - Oh, no, Richard.
- It doesn't hurt.
Wait, really? - No, but how is that possible? Well, my family in Iowa was pretty religious.
Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin like microwaves or laughter.
Do you need a minute or? No.
Worse comes to worst, I'll burn in hell like Grandma Splett.
You know what? He has a really good heart.
(DOOR CLOSES) I'm sorry, I'm still understanding how the cup comes into play.
Oh, you you just have to aim and and what How many of these do I need to fill up? Yeah, no, you just have to do one.
Just one? Okay.
I think that'll be easier.
How will I know when I'm done? You know, I'll figure it out.
I'll probably figure it out.
- SHAWNEE: Jonah.
- (GASPS, GRUNTS) - Hi.
- Hey.
Hi.
So, that really happened, huh? Why didn't you take me back to your place? Do you live with your mom? No.
Pfft, no.
She wishes.
I live in my office.
DC rents are insane, and Ben and Kent say I can't use campaign money.
- Can I use campaign money? - No, you can't use campaign money.
Okay.
Second opinion.
I chose your outfit for the day, but I'm donating the rest of your suits to a charity for rescued circus giraffes.
I'm pretty sure I can take care of dressing myself.
- Can you? - Hey, um, do you have time to - No.
- Okay.
It's just you look really good in my robe, and I thought if you had some time, maybe I could finger you or something? No, I have to get going.
- Okay.
- We'll fuck again tonight at 7:30 with less kissing.
Okay.
Yeah, no, 7:30 works.
- I'm taking a Pop-Tart.
- Can I ask you a question? - (SIGHS) What? - Just this is the first time that that's happened since the treatment, since the cancer, - and I - Oh, my God, get to it.
What? Did my missing ball freak you out? Honestly, it was one less thing to worry about.
Okay.
Thanks, Mrs.
Tanz.
- What? - Ms.
Tanz.
(DOOR CLOSES) Hey, Richard.
Five-minute feud truce.
The most amazing thing just happened to me twice! Really? Something amazing just happened to me, too! - GARY: Amy? - AMY: What do you want? Okay, I had the president's wax figure relocated next to President Lu.
And what's wrong? They have her bowing.
Like this.
I know what bowing is.
People are What? What? You know, like, taking advantage of her.
They're fucking her in the ass? - (BREATHING HEAVILY) - I have to see this.
(CHUCKLING) This girl is, like, 11 years old.
Where are her parents? Ugh.
Obviously, you need me to fix this? I tried, but it's just You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby.
And then there was this one time that Daddy got back from a month in Cuba.
(DOOR OPENS) - Cuba? - Hey, green tea with a hint of rosemary.
Okay, we're right in the middle of working.
Gary, can I get a Sprite? SELINA: Yeah, get him a Sprite.
Anyway, so Daddy never came home empty-handed.
I have the most amazing snow globe collection.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) - No.
Really? - I haven't even shown you that yet.
- Yeah, you're gonna die.
Yeah.
- The board is ready for you.
Oh, the right.
Oh, I bet you got a great snow globe from Cuba.
Oh, no.
Actually, he brought me back an ashtray from Cuba.
Good morning.
Selina Meyer present.
We will now vote on the next item.
- (MUTES MIC) - I'm on the board of Biogenzidine.
- What are you voting on? - These vultures wanna raise the price - of some new cancer drug.
- Ugh.
(UNMUTES MIC) Aye.
- MAN: Please re - (MUTES MIC) So, your dad was away a lot.
Yeah, and he was away with his secretary when he died, so I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to him.
Mm-hmm.
No, his secretary wasn't with him.
She was the one pounding on the door the night he died, remember? - No, I - (RICHARD KNOCKING) Ma'am? - Vote number two is up.
- Oh.
- What is it? - Animal testing.
(UNMUTES MIC) Aye.
- (MUTES MIC) - Ma'am, a lot of this stuff seems kind of weird, doesn't it? Weird? What are you getting at? Nothing.
I'm like, some of these details about your dad are a little irregular, like the Cuba trips No.
- What? - all the cash.
Hey, what is your game here? Because my daddy was a very good family man, okay? He was charismatic, he was gregarious, he was somewhat peculiar, yeah (DOOR OPENS) but all interesting people are, okay?! So, put that in your stupid book! - Thank you.
- No, we're not gonna have any Sprite.
This isn't a movie theater.
I wonder if it'd be worth checking in on Uncle George.
We're not gonna talk to Uncle George! He's a bald, old booze-bag with a whiskey-stink mustache, - just like you! - RICHARD: Ma'am? - Third vote.
- Nay.
But it's for discounted prescriptions for the elderly.
Oh.
Nay.
(CLEARS THROAT) I'll just sit here.
I'm sorry I ruined the good vibe.
(MOCKING) I'm sorry I ruined the good vibe.
I've asked you before not to do that impression, ma'am.
(MOCKING) I mean, do I fuck her? The entire town thinks I am anyway.
You're my mom's favorite couple.
It would be uncharted territory for me.
Sort of like Indiana Jones, I guess.
Digging my way through the ancient ruins, hacking my way past the crazy cobwebs and snakes and shit, hoping my face doesn't melt when I open her up.
I'm sure if I saw it, I would that would all make sense to me.
- Amy.
- What are you doing here? - I said I would call you back.
- You also said you'd fix it, Amy.
They put her on a bench talking to FDR.
Zero anal access.
How's that for a new deal? You know what she's also doing? They have her gesturing like this.
And people are resting their Like, their balls? Not just the beans.
Also, the franks.
That's disgusting.
They will be arrested.
Will they? There's a lot there.
There's a lot there.
I got a lot of pictures to show you.
- I don't see any arrests.
- (DAN LAUGHING) - You see any arrests? - Okay, okay, okay.
Jesus.
That is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
You know, have sex with Jane McCabe, don't have sex with Jane McCabe, just do whatever it takes to keep your job, because it is, in fact, a job.
Or we could trade places, and you could be in charge of a library that doesn't exist for a president who is currently more famous for being a jizz sock for Times Square tourists than for serving her country.
Let's go, Gary.
Jane McCabe? Wow! Respect.
UNCLE GEORGE: Did I tell you the story about how your father made Ethel Merman cry? (LAUGHING) Oh, it's true, it's true 'cause he tried to pull her wig off.
He didn't like her Broadway show.
So, I just wanna clarify some of the details about the night that Daddy actually died.
Did Mother have to get the body flown back here? What? No.
Of course not.
Oh, so, then how how did his body get back? From where? He died in the barn.
No, he was away on business.
No, that's just what we told her when she was a little girl.
- But you knew that, right? - Mm-hmm.
Her mother and I didn't want her to see the body and poor Barbara.
Barbara Valeski, Daddy's secretary? Died right on top of her.
What a way to go.
(CHUCKLES) She was built, my God.
- SELINA: Wait, uh, what? - (PENCIL SNAPS) Yeah, she had to go to the loony bin after that.
Your mother paid for it.
She always referred to it as "the spa.
" - What? - But it wasn't just Barbara, which is why your mom converted the barn, so he wouldn't embarrass her in seedy motels.
See? That's why Mother sold my horse.
- Okay.
- Write that down.
What? No, no, no, no.
Your dad sold it to get the IRS off of his back.
- You knew that, right? - Dad Daddy sold Chicklet? Your mother wasn't gonna bail him out anymore.
You know, she had a great head for business.
Damn fine lady.
Mm.
That's why you didn't get a snow globe.
No business trip.
Oh, I haven't thought of those snow globes in a million years.
Yeah, we just were unpacking all of them.
Barbara loved buying you those.
You know, she had no children of her own, you know, because your dad was always taking her to the doctor.
- What a character.
- I gotta I'm gonna get out of here.
I'm gonna borrow that.
Anytime, Madam President.
Uncle George sounded pretty sweet on Mee-Maw, huh? - What? - Never mind.
(TIRES SCREECH) It's fun to drive again, especially drunk.
You know that my daddy taught me to drive in this car right here? - Really? - And once, I hit a deer, - and Daddy took the blame for it.
- Mmm.
Careful, the ground isn't straight here.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, this is it.
This was Chicklet's old house.
- Wow! See this desk? - Mm-hmm.
After Daddy died, I would crawl right underneath here and hide.
Wow.
You know, 'cause I was so petite and pretty.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
- And lookit here.
I'd take this picture of me and Daddy.
I would just stare at it.
See? - (GRUNTS) - (GASPS) - He was a cheater and a liar! - (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) He was a horse thief! I was stupid little Daddy's girl! You gotta do this, Mike.
Come on.
- Okay.
- God damn him! - Uh, bad desk! - No, come on! You gotta be mad about something! Pay me! Pay me, bitch! Yeah, you pay him, you bitch! Pay me, bitch! Wait, stop! This is a pencil holder that I made for my daddy when I was at camp.
Okay, okay.
- Oh, yeah! - This feels good.
- Why do shoes cost so much money?! - He wasn't so perfect! He loved them and he was fucking them! - I wish I had peed first.
- Come on! - Why do I always wait so long to pee? - Oh, my God.
- I'm a grown man! - (SCREAMING) I shouldn't eat when I'm full! Ma'am! Ma'am! - Move! - (ENGINE REVS) (MIKE SCREAMS) (HORN BLARING) Ma'am.
- Ma'am.
- (HORN STOPS) (MIKE GRUNTING) Oh, God! - Are you all right? - Sure.
Easy.
Oh.
We did a number on this place.
SELINA: Jesus Christ.
My mom was right and I ignored her, and I married my fucking father.
We should call the fire department.
I smell smoke.
This is the book.
This is the story of the gifted girl who triumphed over her parents' toxic marriage to become an American icon! Don't you see? I had no choice but to go into politics and be extraordinary and a sex symbol.
- And you're gonna write it! - (VOMITS) (SNORTS, SPITS) Guys, it's fine.
Mike crashed my car.
He's completely wasted.
I made this at camp.
(GIGGLES) Look, I made it at camp.
- AGENT: Ma'am.
- Just leave him.
And finally, an attempt to break the record for cooking the world's largest hamburger turned into an unhappy meal yesterday when the 45-foot-wide patty caught fire.
Danny, Jane.
That's Brie Ramachandran with the world news.
Boy, some scary moments there, I bet.
- Frightening.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, that's all the time we have.
We'll see you in the tomorrow.
- Bye, now.
- Bye.
And we are clear.
(SNAPS FINGERS) - Jane, perfect as always.
- Oh, please.
Hey, so, Danny, before I have a morning bagel, I just wanna make sure you don't wanna fuck that, too.
Page six.
"Jane McCabe's boy toy steps out with beefy blonde.
" What the fuck? Yeah, I don't think Jane's gonna like you out with a younger woman.
That's Amy Brookheimer, and she's way older than Jane.
Hey, Jane, just wanna make sure you're not mad about this because we're not actually fucking, and you know that, right? Yes, Danny, I know that we're not actually fucking because you're not a billionaire and I don't wanna catch anything.
Okay, well, then maybe you can call the "Post" and tell them that these rumors about us are complete bullshit 'cause this is like Dewey blows Truman here.
Dan, if I stop being fuckable, then I am Grandma, and if I'm Grandma, I will be replaced by two tits with a degree from American University over there.
It's you.
You're the one telling people.
Smart and handsome.
(CHUCKLES) All right, the treasury secretary is meeting with House leadership about a hard date for the debt ceiling.
Why do we always have to raise the ceiling? So you don't scrape your head, you giant barbecue fork.
You need to get rid of your glasses.
They make you look smart.
- Okay.
- Voters hate that.
BEN: Okay, next vote.
HR 2029, it's good, old-fashioned pork barrel.
Excuse me, don't say pork.
Shawnee's Jewish.
Okay, just refer to your color-coded chart.
I've become close with a woman at Kinko's who makes educational materials for preschoolers.
Come on, if the other congressmen see me with a cheat sheet, they're gonna think I'm a fucking idiot.
You can't unring that bell.
Why can't we just write it on my hand like we used to? That worked and I felt good about myself.
- Take your tie off.
- What? Like, right now? Okay, guys, will you just give us eight to 10 minutes or so? No, you're switching to bow ties.
No, I'm gonna look like that old popcorn homo.
You'll look like a school teacher or a small-town grocer good, solid New England professions.
Yeah, or like a nation of Islam badass.
Small-town grocers do poll exceptionally well for probity.
How do small-town child molesters poll? Oh, and you're voting against HR 2029.
Wait, wait, Jesus, lady, we're talking about 300 jobs here at least.
Jobs for wetlands duck-fuckers who are never gonna vote for Jonah.
Being against waste will play statewide, - and even nationally.
- (BELL RINGS) - Okay, vote no.
- BOTH: Vote yes.
If I vote no, can I turn your drylands into wetlands? - Ugh, fine.
- Okay, thanks, babe.
- Stop it.
Clean this shit up.
- JONAH: Okay.
Kent, would you mind just cleaning this shit up? Just straighten it up a little bit for me? Thank you.
Well, the female form is a formidable adversary.
Well, ironically, I have bigger tits.
Ma'am, that's the letter of recommendation for the Harper Day School.
Yes, indeed, okay.
- Ma'am, do you have a second? - Sure.
Catherine, Richard, and I have something important to tell you.
Okay.
RICHARD: I think you're gonna be really surprised.
- Mom, what happened to your forehead? - Oh, it's nothing.
Mike and I were at Mee-Maw's last night and oh, the stable got wrecked, by the way.
- CATHERINE: What? - How did the stable get wrecked? Anyway, you know how I have been searching forever for the perfect place for my library, and all along, it's been staring at me in my face! I'm gonna turn Mee-Maw's house into the Selina Meyer Presidential Birthplace and Library.
- Just like FDR.
- Yes! But wasn't Mee-Maw living in Palm Beach when you were born? Catherine, I don't know! I was a baby.
Okay, well, Marjorie and I were planning on moving down there.
I mean, we were gonna have our family there.
Well, Catherine, is there any parade that you cannot rain on? Ma'am, I just got off with Sherman Tanz.
Oh, and? He is all in for the Birthplace and Library.
- Ooh, I am so excited that he's excited.
- AMY: Yes.
Well, he is asking one favor, though.
Oh, of course he is.
What does Rumpleforeskin want? Apparently, he is having trouble getting his son into the Harper Day School, so Mr.
Tanz would love a letter of recommendation from the former President of the Untied States.
Oh, my God.
Is he joking? I mean, I can't write multiple letters of recommendation to some grammar school.
Mike, give me the letter.
- And and what is his son's name? - Prescott.
Prescott.
Who does he think he's trying to kid? Okay.
Anyway, use this letter that Mike wrote.
It's beautifully written, too, by the way.
Mike, would you mind fixing this all up? No, no.
It'll just take a moment.
It's for the library, though.
You know that, right? Sure.
You want me to take out that I worked for you diligently for 20 years? Diligently? I I'm not sure I concur with that.
- Look, are you okay with this? - Yeah.
She's gonna get into the school anyway.
- She's Asian.
- Sure.
He can't afford private school to begin with.
That's what I told him.
It's like she doesn't hear me or even see me.
And anytime she does, all she cares about is tearing me down, and it's like she's trying to ruin everything.
Okay, Catherine, I know I'm not supposed to interrupt you, but do you realize these are the same complaints you've had for 15 years? Yeah, but they're not exactly the same.
I think that things have changed.
Okay, Catherine, sit up.
You're slouching.
And what is that on your sweater? It's just, like, a woman's face with sunglasses on.
Let's stop for today.
SELINA: What's happening with my wax statue? Gary and I were able to have you placed on the replica of the Truman Balcony.
- Oh! - So, it's very, very high up.
- And safe.
- And you are encased in glass from the front and the back - It's very safe.
- um, all around.
It's very striking and stately.
So, people were trying to have sex with my statue.
- Yeah.
- Domestic terrorism.
Still, it's better than standing next to Gerald Ford.
- Oh.
- That's the spirit.
See, when people get near this, - they just wanna do it.
- Oh, yeah.
Thank God you're not trying to do me all the time.
- (LAUGHING) - Right? - You all right? - Dominoes.
American University sounds like a made-up college in Egypt.
Okay? I don't want my library there.
Well, technically, it wouldn't even be a library.
- What? - It won't be a library, ma'am.
No, I heard her.
You understand that, Amy, that even Richard has trouble understanding you? You would be donating all of your papers, gifts, and ephemera to them, to their library.
Well, of course the dresses.
I think No, they don't want the dresses! You know that every president since FDR has had a goddamn library, okay? Even that sanctimonious fraud Carter had a library.
American University, it's like American Univer-shit.
- (GASPS) Hey! - (CROWD CHEERING) SELINA: Thank you.
Thank you! I just wanna say that I am so proud to be here - as a part of - National Volunteer Week.
National Volunteer Week.
- (CROWD CHEERING) - Yeah, really important.
(LAUGHS) Okay, thanks.
- Super.
Great! - (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) - How about that? How about that? - (CROWD CHEERING) - I also do wallpaper.
- (ALL LAUGHING) Thank you guys so much.
It's been so much fun.
I love this T-shirt, too.
It's just so happy and wonderful! - (CROWD CHEERING) - Bye-bye! Thank you! Thank you.
Get this T-shirt off of me.
I look like I'm trying out for "The Price is Right.
" God Almighty, I wish I'd been assassinated in office.
No, don't say that! Although, with my luck, I'd be then crippled for life, sitting in a wheelchair in my reading room with my name on the thing.
They haven't agreed to putting your name on anything, ma'am.
- What? - They said they haven't agreed to putting your name on anything, ma'am.
That food was just disgusting.
Why did we even go there? Do you want me to get you anything else? You didn't eat anything.
Oh, God, I hate every food ever, from everywhere.
- Have you tried ice cream? - Ugh.
You know what, I was gonna wait until afternoon tea, but I have got a fun surprise for ya.
They have unveiled your wax figure at Madame Tussauds! - Oh, is that the fun part? - Check that out.
What?! They have me next to Gerald Ford? Is this the Hall of Half-Term Wonders? I thought that was Craig T.
Nelson.
God, can nothing go right for me, ever?! What can I do? What can I do? I will fix it.
SELINA: Why do they even have a wax figure of Ford? - I don't know.
- The real one was made of wood.
Get them to move me next to to Lincoln or to Mao - or some other game-changing icon! - Aw, yes.
That's what I am.
Don't make that noise! (WHINING) Just do it before I melt down that whole collection and use it to wax Madame Tussauds' big, fat, nasty snatch! Oh, God, no.
My pantyhose go up so high.
Ma'am, it's normal to experience a temporary depression after a heart attack.
I went through it with my father.
He was unbearable.
Trust me, Amy, it was not the heart attack that depressed your dad.
And anyway, I'm not depressed.
I just feel like I'm a thick, dark fog and everyone disappoints me and nothing works out, and what's the point of anything anyway? And before you ask, it's not because I'm not sleeping, okay? 'Cause I'm getting 14 hours of sleep a night.
Hey, ma'am, if you ever wanna talk to a therapist, - I got a great gal.
- (SCOFFS) Wendy and I went to see her when things were rocky.
Both of them went to town on me.
It was brutal.
I cried so hard, I threw up, but it was the best thing I've ever done.
Okay, look at me, Mike, all right? Not crazy, okay? - You know, Mom - What? therapists can help with all kinds of problems that aren't necessarily mental illness.
I mean, my woman is amazing.
You're in therapy? Since when? Since I was 13.
Well, what you really needed was a dermatologist.
Ma'am, have you done any more thinking about Catherine and me moving into Mee-Maw's after the baby is born? Okay, Marjorie, that's, like, 14 things that I can't, you know (GRUNTS) - So - You know, Dr.
Diane thinks that it would be really great if you could come in, that it could really open up and facilitate good communication between the two of us.
Okay, well, Dr.
Diane is an asshole, okay? I'll tell you what else, I'm not gonna carry that.
I'm not carrying that either.
Oh, Richard, can Catherine and I speak with you for a moment? Well, you're the boss.
Richard, are there any hereditary issues that run in your family? Well, my father and I both hate eating butterscotch, but love to say it.
Butterscotch.
Sorry, why do you ask? Thanks.
- (HORN HONKING) - Oh, fuck! "Wethinks Danny Boy Toy doth protest too much.
'Himbo' Egan Dan-ies affair with NewsMILF, McCabe.
" All right, you know what? Fuck that.
Hey, this isn't a library! Oh, no, it's a graveyard that sells gum.
- Print is dead.
- You wanna buy some gum? No, I get all my gum on Amazon.
CATHERINE: But if the check is for the Rare Bird Conservancy, then why does it have to go through the Andrew H.
Meyer Trust? That's a good catch, little Cat.
Um, you know what? Just for tax purposes, why don't you make it out to cash? That's easy, hmm? I'll just leave it blank.
It's not your drop-by day.
I couldn't wait another moment to see my two favorite daughters.
What? Where did little Madge disappear to, anyway? You asked her to wait by your street meter in case it ran out.
Right.
Darn.
(DOOR CLOSES) Morning, ma'am.
Hey, we really need to I will wait in the living room.
You're not giving any money to the Music Man here, are you, sweetie? Have you no shame? - And, Mom.
- What? - Here is your monthly allowance.
- Okay.
And what chores do you do around the house to deserve that? I show assholes the door.
(CHUCKLES) Well, regardless, I bid you both adieu.
- Flattering skirt.
- Shut up.
Hey, Mike, sorry.
I gotta get running.
But your investment is doing well.
I've never gotten a statement.
Here's a statement your investment is doing quite well.
- Can you believe the nerve of him? - No, I can't.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Ma'am, actually, I gotta talk to you.
I got another call from the publisher.
We need to buckle down and start writing the book, okay? What if we started with when Hughes selected you as his veep? I mean, the lies.
The flagrant self-interest! Do you have any memory of that moment? Any details, any specifics? You know, during my first win for Congress, he was cheating on me during the entire campaign and said it was my fault.
- I didn't know that.
Okay.
- Yeah, absolutely he did.
Andrew said that he was campaigning long hours at the office for me.
But what was he doing? He was fucking Louise Kellog for me, my goddamn press secretary.
'Cause that's what he does, see? - He makes you - Who was your opponent in that race? Uh, I don't know.
Some old white guy.
They're all the same.
And it was a really tight race.
Everybody said I was gonna lose, and people were saying I was cold and that I was unrelatable.
Down, down.
Whatever happened to Louise Kellog? Oh, God, I made Andrew can her slutty can.
And then we just hired the least fuckable press secretary we could find.
Huh, that's actually right when I started working with you.
Hey, get up.
- What? - Give me that fork.
- What? What? What gives? - Up, up.
Fundraising laws no silverware.
Yeah, if you sit, it's a meal, which is a gift, which is a bribe, which is a line of prison inmates standing on each other's shoulders trying to sodomize you.
Well, my feet hurt and I'm really hungry.
Well, that's why we told you to eat a big meal before you got here! Well, I wasn't hungry then! And I need to go to the bathroom.
You just went.
Hey, here he is, the Macher of the Moment.
- Mr.
Tanz.
- Jonah, I want you to meet my wife, Lia, and daughter, Shawnee.
Yeah, what'd I tell ya? He's tall, huh? Hi, Mrs.
Tanz.
Ms.
Tanz, you are smoking.
I'm the daughter.
Gross.
- We have a six-year-old.
- Oh, mazel tov.
Listen, I have a thought I wanna make sure that when you talk about Daylight Savings Time, you don't forget to talk about crime.
It'll get dark earlier all year long, which means more burglaries and murders and rape through the roof.
Wait, isn't that bad? Wait, wait, you didn't let me get to the best part.
More crime means more for-profit prisons.
We're gonna lock 'em up and we're gonna fry 'em.
What are you, a monster? If you kill them, they can't get arrested again.
- That's how we make our money.
- Processing fees.
SHAWNEE: Right, which you would know if you hadn't been losing a battle of wits with a meatball.
Great candidate, Dad.
Impressive.
I can see why you married the other one.
- That's my Shawnee.
- BEN: Yeah.
- Moe.
- You better go and fix this, okay? And go do it fast before Kent invites her to a Sudoku weekend in Vermont.
- I don't like that.
- Just go.
Uh, excuse me, Shawnee.
I don't know what your problem is, but I've been underestimated my entire life.
Failure to thrive at birth fuck that.
Puberty at 19.
When it hit, it hit like a fucking thunderbolt.
Third grade reading level in the tenth grade.
Everything that I have been through in my entire life has only made me stronger and taller.
Get those fucking meatballs away from me.
MIKE: Ma'am, can you believe the sun is up? (SELINA GASPS) Oh, look at this.
There's my horse, Chicklet.
Aw.
I begged Daddy to get her for me, and he did.
I remember he said, "Squirrel, you're an intense little girl, and now you finally have a friend.
" - Aw, he called you "Squirrel.
" - Mother up and sold her.
She hated all animals that she couldn't eat or wear.
Anyway, eventually, Daddy changed that stable into his office.
So, how did he die? Heart attack.
Like father, like daughter.
Boy, I'll tell you, I remember that night he died 'cause his secretary came banging on the door at, like, 2:00 AM.
- Oof.
- We don't have to talk about this stuff - if you don't want to.
- No, it's okay.
I like talking about it, even with you.
Hmm, see? I'm not so bad once you get to know me after 20 years.
- Yeah, exactly.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) MIKE: In 10 years, we'll be taking vacations together.
(SELINA LAUGHING) Go on! - I'd go to Sandals.
- I hope the book's done by then.
Well, the book better be done in 10 years - or I'll be broke as a - (CHUCKLING) What's going on here? You guys having a party party by the fire? - SELINA: Yes! - Oh, can I join? - Sure! - Oh.
- We're so glad you're here.
- Aw.
- I need breakfast.
- Okay.
- Oh, can you help me up? - Sure.
Here, okay.
I'll I'll get you from the back.
- Get off of me! - Right.
So, what do you want for breakfast, Mike? I usually have an eight-egg white omelet.
- And do you have sausage patties? - What is this, Yonkers? - Just go and get sausage patties.
- Right, sure.
- Do you wanna see my yearbook? - Yeah! - Oh, yeah.
- High school years.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- (MIKE GRUNTS) - Are you guys, like, besties now? - I don't know.
She hasn't yelled at me in, like, 24 hours.
- It's weird.
- It is weird.
Hey, did you get me out of the Gerry Ford ghetto? I did.
You're bowing next to President Lu.
- Good.
- Can I see? Yeah, sure, sure.
- CATHERINE: Morning! - MARJORIE: Morning.
- Hey! - You guys had a slumber party.
Yeah! So, listen, we're about to get breakfast - and Gary's gonna go - Look at this.
and get something called sausage patties.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! Look at the guy.
He's like We still don't eat meat, Mom, and we're on our way out.
- In your pajamas? - It's athleisure-wear, ma'am.
- Okay, that's not a word, Marjorie.
- That's disgusting! - Close it.
- All right, well, I don't even know why I try with those two.
- Honestly.
- Hey, ma'am, before we get back to work, would you mind writing a letter of recommendation to the Harper Day School? We're just trying to get Ellen in there, and it'd be really good.
- Wait, who? - My oldest daughter.
- Oh, that Chinese one? - Sure.
You write it, I'll sign it.
- Really? - Sure! Thank you so much, ma'am.
Thank you.
- Look at this.
- (GASPS) Oh, my gosh.
Did you ever go through an awkward phase? (LAUGHING) No! RICHARD: Wow, I can't believe I'm gonna be a father! A lot of responsibility.
You just signed away all responsibility.
I've never done this before.
You just go in the room and Uh, I've never shook the devil's hand.
- Oh! - You mean masturbate? Oh, self-husband.
- Does it hurt? - Oh, no, Richard.
- It doesn't hurt.
Wait, really? - No, but how is that possible? Well, my family in Iowa was pretty religious.
Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin like microwaves or laughter.
Do you need a minute or? No.
Worse comes to worst, I'll burn in hell like Grandma Splett.
You know what? He has a really good heart.
(DOOR CLOSES) I'm sorry, I'm still understanding how the cup comes into play.
Oh, you you just have to aim and and what How many of these do I need to fill up? Yeah, no, you just have to do one.
Just one? Okay.
I think that'll be easier.
How will I know when I'm done? You know, I'll figure it out.
I'll probably figure it out.
- SHAWNEE: Jonah.
- (GASPS, GRUNTS) - Hi.
- Hey.
Hi.
So, that really happened, huh? Why didn't you take me back to your place? Do you live with your mom? No.
Pfft, no.
She wishes.
I live in my office.
DC rents are insane, and Ben and Kent say I can't use campaign money.
- Can I use campaign money? - No, you can't use campaign money.
Okay.
Second opinion.
I chose your outfit for the day, but I'm donating the rest of your suits to a charity for rescued circus giraffes.
I'm pretty sure I can take care of dressing myself.
- Can you? - Hey, um, do you have time to - No.
- Okay.
It's just you look really good in my robe, and I thought if you had some time, maybe I could finger you or something? No, I have to get going.
- Okay.
- We'll fuck again tonight at 7:30 with less kissing.
Okay.
Yeah, no, 7:30 works.
- I'm taking a Pop-Tart.
- Can I ask you a question? - (SIGHS) What? - Just this is the first time that that's happened since the treatment, since the cancer, - and I - Oh, my God, get to it.
What? Did my missing ball freak you out? Honestly, it was one less thing to worry about.
Okay.
Thanks, Mrs.
Tanz.
- What? - Ms.
Tanz.
(DOOR CLOSES) Hey, Richard.
Five-minute feud truce.
The most amazing thing just happened to me twice! Really? Something amazing just happened to me, too! - GARY: Amy? - AMY: What do you want? Okay, I had the president's wax figure relocated next to President Lu.
And what's wrong? They have her bowing.
Like this.
I know what bowing is.
People are What? What? You know, like, taking advantage of her.
They're fucking her in the ass? - (BREATHING HEAVILY) - I have to see this.
(CHUCKLING) This girl is, like, 11 years old.
Where are her parents? Ugh.
Obviously, you need me to fix this? I tried, but it's just You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby.
And then there was this one time that Daddy got back from a month in Cuba.
(DOOR OPENS) - Cuba? - Hey, green tea with a hint of rosemary.
Okay, we're right in the middle of working.
Gary, can I get a Sprite? SELINA: Yeah, get him a Sprite.
Anyway, so Daddy never came home empty-handed.
I have the most amazing snow globe collection.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) - No.
Really? - I haven't even shown you that yet.
- Yeah, you're gonna die.
Yeah.
- The board is ready for you.
Oh, the right.
Oh, I bet you got a great snow globe from Cuba.
Oh, no.
Actually, he brought me back an ashtray from Cuba.
Good morning.
Selina Meyer present.
We will now vote on the next item.
- (MUTES MIC) - I'm on the board of Biogenzidine.
- What are you voting on? - These vultures wanna raise the price - of some new cancer drug.
- Ugh.
(UNMUTES MIC) Aye.
- MAN: Please re - (MUTES MIC) So, your dad was away a lot.
Yeah, and he was away with his secretary when he died, so I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to him.
Mm-hmm.
No, his secretary wasn't with him.
She was the one pounding on the door the night he died, remember? - No, I - (RICHARD KNOCKING) Ma'am? - Vote number two is up.
- Oh.
- What is it? - Animal testing.
(UNMUTES MIC) Aye.
- (MUTES MIC) - Ma'am, a lot of this stuff seems kind of weird, doesn't it? Weird? What are you getting at? Nothing.
I'm like, some of these details about your dad are a little irregular, like the Cuba trips No.
- What? - all the cash.
Hey, what is your game here? Because my daddy was a very good family man, okay? He was charismatic, he was gregarious, he was somewhat peculiar, yeah (DOOR OPENS) but all interesting people are, okay?! So, put that in your stupid book! - Thank you.
- No, we're not gonna have any Sprite.
This isn't a movie theater.
I wonder if it'd be worth checking in on Uncle George.
We're not gonna talk to Uncle George! He's a bald, old booze-bag with a whiskey-stink mustache, - just like you! - RICHARD: Ma'am? - Third vote.
- Nay.
But it's for discounted prescriptions for the elderly.
Oh.
Nay.
(CLEARS THROAT) I'll just sit here.
I'm sorry I ruined the good vibe.
(MOCKING) I'm sorry I ruined the good vibe.
I've asked you before not to do that impression, ma'am.
(MOCKING) I mean, do I fuck her? The entire town thinks I am anyway.
You're my mom's favorite couple.
It would be uncharted territory for me.
Sort of like Indiana Jones, I guess.
Digging my way through the ancient ruins, hacking my way past the crazy cobwebs and snakes and shit, hoping my face doesn't melt when I open her up.
I'm sure if I saw it, I would that would all make sense to me.
- Amy.
- What are you doing here? - I said I would call you back.
- You also said you'd fix it, Amy.
They put her on a bench talking to FDR.
Zero anal access.
How's that for a new deal? You know what she's also doing? They have her gesturing like this.
And people are resting their Like, their balls? Not just the beans.
Also, the franks.
That's disgusting.
They will be arrested.
Will they? There's a lot there.
There's a lot there.
I got a lot of pictures to show you.
- I don't see any arrests.
- (DAN LAUGHING) - You see any arrests? - Okay, okay, okay.
Jesus.
That is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
You know, have sex with Jane McCabe, don't have sex with Jane McCabe, just do whatever it takes to keep your job, because it is, in fact, a job.
Or we could trade places, and you could be in charge of a library that doesn't exist for a president who is currently more famous for being a jizz sock for Times Square tourists than for serving her country.
Let's go, Gary.
Jane McCabe? Wow! Respect.
UNCLE GEORGE: Did I tell you the story about how your father made Ethel Merman cry? (LAUGHING) Oh, it's true, it's true 'cause he tried to pull her wig off.
He didn't like her Broadway show.
So, I just wanna clarify some of the details about the night that Daddy actually died.
Did Mother have to get the body flown back here? What? No.
Of course not.
Oh, so, then how how did his body get back? From where? He died in the barn.
No, he was away on business.
No, that's just what we told her when she was a little girl.
- But you knew that, right? - Mm-hmm.
Her mother and I didn't want her to see the body and poor Barbara.
Barbara Valeski, Daddy's secretary? Died right on top of her.
What a way to go.
(CHUCKLES) She was built, my God.
- SELINA: Wait, uh, what? - (PENCIL SNAPS) Yeah, she had to go to the loony bin after that.
Your mother paid for it.
She always referred to it as "the spa.
" - What? - But it wasn't just Barbara, which is why your mom converted the barn, so he wouldn't embarrass her in seedy motels.
See? That's why Mother sold my horse.
- Okay.
- Write that down.
What? No, no, no, no.
Your dad sold it to get the IRS off of his back.
- You knew that, right? - Dad Daddy sold Chicklet? Your mother wasn't gonna bail him out anymore.
You know, she had a great head for business.
Damn fine lady.
Mm.
That's why you didn't get a snow globe.
No business trip.
Oh, I haven't thought of those snow globes in a million years.
Yeah, we just were unpacking all of them.
Barbara loved buying you those.
You know, she had no children of her own, you know, because your dad was always taking her to the doctor.
- What a character.
- I gotta I'm gonna get out of here.
I'm gonna borrow that.
Anytime, Madam President.
Uncle George sounded pretty sweet on Mee-Maw, huh? - What? - Never mind.
(TIRES SCREECH) It's fun to drive again, especially drunk.
You know that my daddy taught me to drive in this car right here? - Really? - And once, I hit a deer, - and Daddy took the blame for it.
- Mmm.
Careful, the ground isn't straight here.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, this is it.
This was Chicklet's old house.
- Wow! See this desk? - Mm-hmm.
After Daddy died, I would crawl right underneath here and hide.
Wow.
You know, 'cause I was so petite and pretty.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
- And lookit here.
I'd take this picture of me and Daddy.
I would just stare at it.
See? - (GRUNTS) - (GASPS) - He was a cheater and a liar! - (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) He was a horse thief! I was stupid little Daddy's girl! You gotta do this, Mike.
Come on.
- Okay.
- God damn him! - Uh, bad desk! - No, come on! You gotta be mad about something! Pay me! Pay me, bitch! Yeah, you pay him, you bitch! Pay me, bitch! Wait, stop! This is a pencil holder that I made for my daddy when I was at camp.
Okay, okay.
- Oh, yeah! - This feels good.
- Why do shoes cost so much money?! - He wasn't so perfect! He loved them and he was fucking them! - I wish I had peed first.
- Come on! - Why do I always wait so long to pee? - Oh, my God.
- I'm a grown man! - (SCREAMING) I shouldn't eat when I'm full! Ma'am! Ma'am! - Move! - (ENGINE REVS) (MIKE SCREAMS) (HORN BLARING) Ma'am.
- Ma'am.
- (HORN STOPS) (MIKE GRUNTING) Oh, God! - Are you all right? - Sure.
Easy.
Oh.
We did a number on this place.
SELINA: Jesus Christ.
My mom was right and I ignored her, and I married my fucking father.
We should call the fire department.
I smell smoke.
This is the book.
This is the story of the gifted girl who triumphed over her parents' toxic marriage to become an American icon! Don't you see? I had no choice but to go into politics and be extraordinary and a sex symbol.
- And you're gonna write it! - (VOMITS) (SNORTS, SPITS) Guys, it's fine.
Mike crashed my car.
He's completely wasted.
I made this at camp.
(GIGGLES) Look, I made it at camp.
- AGENT: Ma'am.
- Just leave him.
And finally, an attempt to break the record for cooking the world's largest hamburger turned into an unhappy meal yesterday when the 45-foot-wide patty caught fire.
Danny, Jane.
That's Brie Ramachandran with the world news.
Boy, some scary moments there, I bet.
- Frightening.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, that's all the time we have.
We'll see you in the tomorrow.
- Bye, now.
- Bye.
And we are clear.
(SNAPS FINGERS) - Jane, perfect as always.
- Oh, please.
Hey, so, Danny, before I have a morning bagel, I just wanna make sure you don't wanna fuck that, too.
Page six.
"Jane McCabe's boy toy steps out with beefy blonde.
" What the fuck? Yeah, I don't think Jane's gonna like you out with a younger woman.
That's Amy Brookheimer, and she's way older than Jane.
Hey, Jane, just wanna make sure you're not mad about this because we're not actually fucking, and you know that, right? Yes, Danny, I know that we're not actually fucking because you're not a billionaire and I don't wanna catch anything.
Okay, well, then maybe you can call the "Post" and tell them that these rumors about us are complete bullshit 'cause this is like Dewey blows Truman here.
Dan, if I stop being fuckable, then I am Grandma, and if I'm Grandma, I will be replaced by two tits with a degree from American University over there.
It's you.
You're the one telling people.
Smart and handsome.
(CHUCKLES) All right, the treasury secretary is meeting with House leadership about a hard date for the debt ceiling.
Why do we always have to raise the ceiling? So you don't scrape your head, you giant barbecue fork.
You need to get rid of your glasses.
They make you look smart.
- Okay.
- Voters hate that.
BEN: Okay, next vote.
HR 2029, it's good, old-fashioned pork barrel.
Excuse me, don't say pork.
Shawnee's Jewish.
Okay, just refer to your color-coded chart.
I've become close with a woman at Kinko's who makes educational materials for preschoolers.
Come on, if the other congressmen see me with a cheat sheet, they're gonna think I'm a fucking idiot.
You can't unring that bell.
Why can't we just write it on my hand like we used to? That worked and I felt good about myself.
- Take your tie off.
- What? Like, right now? Okay, guys, will you just give us eight to 10 minutes or so? No, you're switching to bow ties.
No, I'm gonna look like that old popcorn homo.
You'll look like a school teacher or a small-town grocer good, solid New England professions.
Yeah, or like a nation of Islam badass.
Small-town grocers do poll exceptionally well for probity.
How do small-town child molesters poll? Oh, and you're voting against HR 2029.
Wait, wait, Jesus, lady, we're talking about 300 jobs here at least.
Jobs for wetlands duck-fuckers who are never gonna vote for Jonah.
Being against waste will play statewide, - and even nationally.
- (BELL RINGS) - Okay, vote no.
- BOTH: Vote yes.
If I vote no, can I turn your drylands into wetlands? - Ugh, fine.
- Okay, thanks, babe.
- Stop it.
Clean this shit up.
- JONAH: Okay.
Kent, would you mind just cleaning this shit up? Just straighten it up a little bit for me? Thank you.
Well, the female form is a formidable adversary.
Well, ironically, I have bigger tits.
Ma'am, that's the letter of recommendation for the Harper Day School.
Yes, indeed, okay.
- Ma'am, do you have a second? - Sure.
Catherine, Richard, and I have something important to tell you.
Okay.
RICHARD: I think you're gonna be really surprised.
- Mom, what happened to your forehead? - Oh, it's nothing.
Mike and I were at Mee-Maw's last night and oh, the stable got wrecked, by the way.
- CATHERINE: What? - How did the stable get wrecked? Anyway, you know how I have been searching forever for the perfect place for my library, and all along, it's been staring at me in my face! I'm gonna turn Mee-Maw's house into the Selina Meyer Presidential Birthplace and Library.
- Just like FDR.
- Yes! But wasn't Mee-Maw living in Palm Beach when you were born? Catherine, I don't know! I was a baby.
Okay, well, Marjorie and I were planning on moving down there.
I mean, we were gonna have our family there.
Well, Catherine, is there any parade that you cannot rain on? Ma'am, I just got off with Sherman Tanz.
Oh, and? He is all in for the Birthplace and Library.
- Ooh, I am so excited that he's excited.
- AMY: Yes.
Well, he is asking one favor, though.
Oh, of course he is.
What does Rumpleforeskin want? Apparently, he is having trouble getting his son into the Harper Day School, so Mr.
Tanz would love a letter of recommendation from the former President of the Untied States.
Oh, my God.
Is he joking? I mean, I can't write multiple letters of recommendation to some grammar school.
Mike, give me the letter.
- And and what is his son's name? - Prescott.
Prescott.
Who does he think he's trying to kid? Okay.
Anyway, use this letter that Mike wrote.
It's beautifully written, too, by the way.
Mike, would you mind fixing this all up? No, no.
It'll just take a moment.
It's for the library, though.
You know that, right? Sure.
You want me to take out that I worked for you diligently for 20 years? Diligently? I I'm not sure I concur with that.
- Look, are you okay with this? - Yeah.
She's gonna get into the school anyway.
- She's Asian.
- Sure.
He can't afford private school to begin with.
That's what I told him.
It's like she doesn't hear me or even see me.
And anytime she does, all she cares about is tearing me down, and it's like she's trying to ruin everything.
Okay, Catherine, I know I'm not supposed to interrupt you, but do you realize these are the same complaints you've had for 15 years? Yeah, but they're not exactly the same.
I think that things have changed.
Okay, Catherine, sit up.
You're slouching.
And what is that on your sweater? It's just, like, a woman's face with sunglasses on.
Let's stop for today.
SELINA: What's happening with my wax statue? Gary and I were able to have you placed on the replica of the Truman Balcony.
- Oh! - So, it's very, very high up.
- And safe.
- And you are encased in glass from the front and the back - It's very safe.
- um, all around.
It's very striking and stately.
So, people were trying to have sex with my statue.
- Yeah.
- Domestic terrorism.
Still, it's better than standing next to Gerald Ford.
- Oh.
- That's the spirit.
See, when people get near this, - they just wanna do it.
- Oh, yeah.
Thank God you're not trying to do me all the time.
- (LAUGHING) - Right? - You all right? - Dominoes.