Baby Daddy s06e06 Episode Script

1 Now remember.
You can't tell your teacher that all we had for breakfast was cookies and chocolate milk.
Though, I suspect she'll figure it out soon enough.
Oh, hey guys.
How's it going? How is everybody? Did you press the button? God, Ben, why didn't you press the button? Apparently we're not the only ones who started our day with a half-pound of sugar.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, Danny's been reading this baby book our doctor recommended, and it's become his bible.
I'm just trying to get out of here before he gives me any more advice.
He's suddenly monitoring every moment of my day for the good of the baby.
I'm sorry, I'm still back at "Danny's reading a book.
" You know what? I'm just going to take the stairs.
- Sweetie, hi! - Oh hey, ha! I just ran down to grab you a cab because you shouldn't be waiting outside on the curb.
Oh, you know what? I can actually walk.
No, no, but you shouldn't! According to my book, you're making a spinal cord and fingertips this week.
Ha ha! I mean, I could never do that.
Oh, you don't have to Oh, we're doing this.
Oh, sorry, bro.
You mind taking the next one? Trying to minimize germ exposure.
It's gotta be an audio book, right? Man, now we're really late.
Rocket ship.
Ooh, perfect! Rocket ship Emma is ready for takeoff.
(making rocket ship sounds) (theme music playing) It's amazing how the unexpected Can take your life and change direction Wowza, that was one hell of a conjugal visit.
Tell the warden I want a copy of the security tape.
Oh, Bon-bon, I'm just so glad I can spend these brief fleeting moments with you.
Prison can be such a terrifying place.
(whispers) I think one of the guards has it out for me.
Oh my God! Is he roughing you up? Worse! He's refuses to let me audition for the prison's upcoming production of Guys and Dolls, and I know I would be perfect for it! You have to pee in front of that guy, and that's your biggest problem? I just gotta get out of here.
I can't believe the DA is letting me rot away in here while Bustamonte, the real mastermind of the whole scheme, is out there breathing the fresh scent of freedom.
Wait.
Luis Bustamonte? My boss, Luis Bustamonte, he's the one who put you up to this? Yes! He also made me try paella for the first time.
I loved it and so I trusted him.
Okay, but you know, if you can prove he's the one behind it, then maybe you can get some kind of deal.
Brad, you have to say something.
I've tried.
I'm willing to sing, but nobody wants to listen.
Seriously, I do a spot on Adelaide.
They've just gotta let me audition.
Listen, don't you worry, sweetie, okay? We are going to get you out of this horrible situation.
Thank you.
I'm even willing to play Sky Masterson.
Prison, Brad.
We're going to get you out of prison.
(mumbling) Oh, hey, I didn't expect you to be here.
You know those cookies are expired, right? Sadly, I did know that.
Sorry, it's just Danny only lets me eat healthy food now.
I was this close to biting into a vanilla-scented candle.
So, uh, what's with all the work? It just keeps piling up ever since I got that promotion.
Promotion? When did you get a promotion? Oh, a few weeks ago.
I guess I forgot to tell you.
Life has been a little crazy.
Ah, life.
She kicks you when you're down and downs you when you're kicking.
There's meaning in there somewhere.
Well, congrats on the promotion, though.
Is there anything else you're not telling me? Ah, let's see I'm at war with my mother, I hate everyone I work with, and my body does disgusting things whenever I sneeze, laugh or cough.
That's pretty much it.
Hey, what do you say we go for dinner tomorrow night and have a proper catch-up? Oh, Ben, I'd love to, but I Riley, friendship is like a plant.
If you don't nurture it, it dies.
Case in point, all of my plants.
Oh, here you are.
I got everything we need for an amazing dinner.
All green super foods which are essential for building proper brain function.
Our kid is going to be a genius.
Yeah, Danny.
I'm sure all you needed was more kale.
Well, I'm pretty sure you're not the authority for healthy baby foods, Mr.
Cookies-for-Breakfast.
I thought we had a deal.
Okay, let's go.
Um, so, tomorrow night? - Tomorrow night.
- What's tomorrow night? It's the day after today.
Oh, cool, thanks, babe.
(door closes) It's normal for friends to grow apart.
- We'll never grow apart, will we? - We'll see.
Riley! My God, Mrs.
Wheeler.
What are you doing here? Okay, look.
I know how we can finally get Brad out of prison.
It turns out that my boss, Luis, was behind the entire thing.
And we are not gonna to rest until we catch Luis and free Brad.
All right, I'll be at my apartment.
Call me when you have something.
Luis? He was the first person the police investigated.
The DA concluded he was clean.
The DA is in on it too.
This goes all the way up to the top.
God, Riley, haven't you ever seen a movie? Mrs.
Wheeler, I'm sorry, but unless you have a confession from him, the court made their decision.
I mean, my hands are tied.
- Danny: Riley? - Um I'm just taking out the trash.
Oh, hey, Tucker.
I need your help.
Does it involve assisted suicide or trying to smuggle you out of the country? No not this time.
Look, I just found out that my boss is the reason Brad is in prison.
I need to get a confession out of him.
Wait, wait, let me guess.
You're a you're gonna do a little boob-boob-seduce? (laughing) Also known as your answer to everything.
God, you are so predictable.
Ow! I bet you didn't predict that.
Come on, this is serious.
I have some spy equipment we could use to record him.
- Really? - Yeah.
That'll be perfect.
Wait.
Why do you have spy equipment? I'll tell you if you tell me why that guy comes to your house every night at eight o'clock.
- And we've reached a stalemate.
- Mmm.
Well, it has been really, really great catching up with the two of you.
I had no idea of the prenatal benefits of cacao.
Although I do really like saying, cacao.
Oh, I got it.
- He really wanted to come.
- I want a do-over.
Here you go.
And, dude, that baby book is really helpful.
You should totally borrow it sometime.
It might help you be a little more responsible.
Danny, you don't learn about parenting from a book.
Well, mom had a whole shelf of them.
Point made.
You got your cover story down? Yep, yep.
I'm gonna tell him that I was propositioned by a client for some shady deal that's technically illegal but would make us a fortune.
I'll earn Luis's trust, he'll spill about his involvement with Brad, and if all goes well, I won't even have to take my shirt off.
You better not or you'll loosen the wire.
At least let me check the volume.
- (electric buzzing sound) - (groans) What the hell was that? Wires must be a little frayed.
I've had this stuff in my drawer since my 11th birthday.
- (electric buzzing sound) - Oh, son of a crap-burger.
What the hell, stop that! Okay, God.
I just won't touch the volume button and we should be good.
Yeah! Don't.
Okay.
- (electric buzzing sound) - Ahh! My bad, last time, I promise.
Hello, Luis.
Bonnie! I'm so glad you suggested we meet for a drink.
It's nice to get out of the office once in a while.
Well, I actually just needed a little advice.
See I was talking to this client - (electric buzzing sound) - Aah! - Are you okay? - Mm-hmm.
I'm fine.
Totally fine.
who proposed this investment, that while extremely lucrative, could be slightly - (electric buzzing sound) - illegal.
So, um, what would you do or might have done in such a situation? And please, speak clearly, and try to enunciate every word.
Ah, Bonnie, you were smart to come to me.
When it comes to "creative real estate financing," I wrote the book.
Seriously, I'll give you an autographed copy.
- (electric buzzing sound) - Aah! - Need help? - No, I'm all right.
So go on, you were - (electric buzzing sound) - saying.
Ahh! (moaning and groaning) Um, you know what, Luis, I'm gonna Excuse me for just one second.
I was just gonna (electric buzzing sound continues) (moaning and groaning continues) Aah! Ha.
Okay, ah! I'm serious, girl.
You make bacon mad 'cause you're so sizzlin'.
Tucker, what the hell? Hey.
How'd it go? Oh, I'll show you how it went, okay? - (electric buzzing sound) - Ahh! (electric buzzing sound continues) (moaning and groaning continues) Riley, wait.
I am a grown woman, I can take the stairs if I want to.
What? No, you, my friend, are not going to work today because I am kidnapping you.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Really? 'Cause your boss said to take all the time you need.
(imitating Danny): "Hey, this is Riley's fiancé Danny Wheeler.
"She's super sick and can't do the law today.
" You and I are going hiking.
Nature is the best way for friends to bond.
Well, so is sex, but we already did that.
(chuckles) What about Danny? I won't tell him if you won't.
Look, I miss you.
I miss us.
Riley, friendship is like a car.
I thought you said it was like a plant? You know, it needs water, gas, whatever, okay? Oh, I don't know.
I pre-packed you some shoes, clothes, sunscreen and way too much jerky.
If it's got four legs, I've got its jerky.
Come on, what do you say? I'd say you're pretty amazing.
So, did you actually see him read the book? We're all going hiking today.
See? What did I tell you? Only an hour out of the city and we're already back to nature.
Honestly, this is exactly what I needed.
Oh my God, did I tell you about this girl Rhonda from my office? - Is she hot? - Not really.
I'm out.
But she has two vagina’s.
And I'm back in.
Hey! What do you think you're doing? Oh, no, it's okay.
See, I'm just following my fiancée and my brother to make sure nothing happens.
No, no, not like that.
Although it has in the past.
But he's just kind of a screw up, you know? See, I'm the good son.
It's a whole siblings' dynamic thing.
And I'm guessing you're also the stupid son 'cause you're standing in a patch of poison ivy.
I'm sorry, I didn't get the confession.
We had a slight technical problem.
Technical problem? Whatever happened to the old boob-boob-seduce? I wanted to but Double-O-Dumb-Dumb decided we should use his janky-ass spy gear instead.
But, you know, until I can get you out of here, I smuggled you in something.
(gasps) Is it pomade? I could really use a hit of the good stuff.
I've been making my own out of mayonnaise packets and Jell-O powder.
Do not smell my hair.
No, no.
It's a phone.
- (gasps) - Now we can video chat.
- (squeals) - Yes! But can we do it after ten in the morning? I lead a sunrise yoga class for cell block C.
I'll make a note of that.
And, honey, I know that you'll think of something to nail that rat bastard, Luis.
It's just ironic how hard it is to get a confession out of a guy who confesses all the time.
Wait, what are you talking about? Oh, Luis is an extremely devout Catholic.
He goes to church like every day.
Hey, can we come back in a month? They're doing a prison production of Guys and Dolls.
Tucker do you consider yourself a religious man? (church bell chimes) Oh, man.
This really brings me back.
Did you go to Catholic school? Sure.
Let's go with that.
(thump in confession booth) Luis: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
(recorder beeps) Yes, my child.
Tell me about your sins.
With as much detail as possible.
Well, I'm guilty of stealing.
I took a co-worker's yogurt from the fridge without telling him.
(mouthing) You know what, God is fine with office shenanigans.
Now, uh, let's get to the big picture.
And remember, the Lord, he likes dates and times.
Luis: Honestly, there's nothing I have not already confessed before.
Ah You know what? You probably confessed with Gary.
He got fired.
Something about him, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
(mouthing) Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
The voices are telling me to do bad things again.
Luis? Man: No, it's Timothy.
You know, just say the Lord's Prayer and a few Bloody Marys, you should be good, man.
(owl hooting) Just as I thought we're lost.
(imitating Ben) "Let's leave our cell phones at home so nobody bugs us.
" Brilliant plan, Ben.
Yeah, well, joke's on you because I didn't even have a plan.
Well, maybe you should've.
I mean, taking a pregnant woman hiking without a map or enough food is completely irresponsible.
- Hey, we have a ton of food.
- Not anymore.
I brought like ten pounds of jerky.
Yeah, well, I brought like 20 pounds of baby.
(insect buzzing) Whoa! (thudding) What was that? Was that a bear? Oh my God, run! Here you go! Would an irresponsible person forage you a delicious meal of hand-picked nuts and wild berries? Um, those are rocks, and your berries are moving.
(both screaming) Are you sure this is going to work? Don't worry.
These babies get great reception.
Not the first time I've been here before, am I right? Oh, honey, you love Boob Canyon.
- (phone rings) - Ooh! Incoming.
Mom.
Mom, I need your help.
Wait, Tuck, why do you have my mom's phone? I'm taping her phone to her chest to entrap someone.
Ah, been there.
But I really need your help! I'm lost in the woods, I can't find Riley.
I think I have poison ivy and I twisted my ankle falling out of a tree.
Well, I'm staring into your mom's chest, so I win.
Bye sweetie, Mommy loves you.
Don't get eaten by a bear.
Bye-bye now.
- (knock on door) - All right.
He's here, he's here.
All right.
Time to catch your boss with your boobs to get your husband out of prison.
(sighs) Where did you go wrong, Bonnie? (exhales) Luis, what a surprise.
You told me to meet you here at 7:00.
Yeah, well, I was hoping we could get to know each other a little better outside of the office.
Ah A rose blooms through the concrete of the city.
These are for you.
Oh, Luis, you shouldn't have.
Again, you told me to.
(distant thunder rumbles) Where did you learn how to do that? Started a lot of fires in my day.
That's how I got my nickname.
That boy who started a lot of fires.
Hey, look I'm really sorry about all of this.
I just wanted to spend some time with you.
No, I was the guy you used to come to with your problems.
The guy you could talk to about anything.
Ben: You know, that's cool, things change.
I get it.
Ben, I'm scared.
Don't worry, someone will find us.
No, not about this about this.
About being a mom.
I don't know if I can do it.
I mean, I know Danny's going to be an amazing father.
Riley: He's set the bar so high, I'm terrified of disappointing him.
I mean, he wants everything to be perfect, and I don't know if I can be perfect.
I just, I really don't want to screw this up.
Wait, so you're saying you're worried about disappointing Danny and I'm the only one you can talk to about it? (whispers) Yes! Riley, there's no such thing as a perfect parent.
And yes, having a kid is terrifying.
You constantly worry whether or not you've made the right choices.
But all that worrying, and self-doubt that's what's going to make you an amazing mother.
And I can already tell, you're going to be incredible.
(thunder rumbles) Thank you, Ben.
See, this is why I always need you.
Hey! What are you doin'? You can't build a fire there.
Oh my God, we're saved! We have been lost out here for hours.
No food or water.
I literally almost ate a frog.
Well, too bad you didn't walk another 25 feet, 'cause you would've run into the parking lot.
(keys jingling) (car alarm beeps) Oh yeah, it's right through there.
Let's be honest, there's no way he could pull off that scam all on his own.
Really? You think someone else was involved.
Come on! Brad's most impressive organ isn't his brain.
Mmm.
Oh, but the genius who pulled off that scam, now that's the guy that I would like to meet.
Hmm.
- You would? - Oh yeah! And if he was Latin, oh boy, I would show him my tierra Del fuego.
Oh! It's me! It's me, Bonnie.
I am the genius you speak of! I did it, I did it, I did it! - Really? - Really.
So you're saying that you were the mastermind behind the entire real estate scam, and that Brad was just a mere pawn? I am.
Though I do honestly wish Brad was here so I could explain to him how sorry I am.
Well, then you're in luck - Aha! - Aha! Caught you, you rat bastard! Brad! What are you doing in Bonnie's bosom? We concocted this whole scheme to get your confession and you took the bait.
How could you, Luis? I trusted you.
But you have to believe me I only turned you in because I thought you were going to turn me in.
I would never do such a thing.
Please, forgive me, Brad.
I can't because I already have.
Oh! Oh, Brad.
Okay, all right, you know what, get off of me! Okay.
Now go do the right thing and turn yourself in.
Uh no.
We hugged it out.
I forgave him, he forgave me.
That's how it works.
Not sure why you unhooked my bra.
That's how I work.
Adios, Brad.
I'll see you in five to ten.
What? Wait, Luis! What why aren't we going after him.
We can't let him get away! Oh, don't worry, honey.
We got his entire confession on camera.
Hell yeah, I got it! Woo-Hoo! Hey, is green on or off? Oh, I didn't get it.
Hey, bro.
I was If you're here to give me advice from your stupid baby book, I'm good.
I know I never tell you this but you're a great brother, and a great dad.
Oh my God, are you dying? You can't leave me here with Mom.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy and the baby's not even here yet.
I just want everything to go perfectly.
You make it all seem so easy.
Man, when it comes to kids, there is no perfect.
Nothing in your book is going to prepare you for the roller coaster that is being a parent.
And you really need to cut Riley some slack, man.
She's already pretty terrified.
I know, man.
Hey, uh, you wanna help me burn this book? Um, I've got a better idea.
- (book slams on car) - (alarms blaring) Blame Tucker! Blame Tucker! Do you really think I can get Luis's confession again? I'd be shocked if you didn't.
Wait a minute.
I don't see Luis.
- (electric buzzing sound) - Ahh! - You! - Oh! (shocks continue) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! - Yeah, come here, come here.
- Ow! (body thumps on floor)