Benidorm (2007) s06e06 Episode Script
Series 6, Episode 6
Stand by.
I will need your help.
This one is crazy.
Hola.
Hello, love.
Do you know you are too early for breakfast? You are going to have to wait at least another half hour.
It's all right, love.
I was just enjoying the view.
Oh, I can move if I'm in your way.
No, no, you can stay here.
The view's all-inclusive.
Have you ever thought why we're here? I am at work, you are on holiday.
No, I mean, why we're put on the earth in the first place - what's it all about? I am sorry, I am not qualified to answer these questions.
I suggest you try business centre.
They have the inter-web there.
What's going on? Where's the breakfast? You are too early.
Oh! I'll kill that DJ from Cafe B.
He always plays Islands In The Stream at a quarter to eight so I know I've got 15 minutes to get here, to get my breakfast.
Idiot.
Oh, my head is banging.
You haven't got a light have you, love? Yes, love.
Cheers.
You can keep that.
Oh, nice one.
Are you sure? Yeah.
You may as well have these as well.
You're not stopping, are you? The doctors gave me six months to live.
Really? That was five months ago.
Believe me, son, if you know what's good for you, you'll start looking after yourself.
Right.
If you'll excuse me, I'm off to sit in the shade.
Think about what I said, son.
# I think to myself Bloody hell.
You certainly know how to put someone off their bacon butty.
Come on.
Come on! What are you doing? You know what I'm doing.
I'm trying to get through to Doctor Kundu.
It's a quarter to eight.
I know.
They open at eight.
Somebody might be there.
It's a quarter to eight here, so it's a quarter to seven at home.
I know Dr Kundu's receptionist looks keen.
.
Hello, this is Janice Garvey, again, calling about my mother Madge Harvey.
We need Dr Kundu to ring us back on the mobile number I left last night as soon as possible, please.
What did you say? We're an hour in front.
It's a quarter to seven there.
Oh, I'd forgotten about the time difference.
Look, why don't we just - Sssh! What can you hear? Nowt much.
Bit of drilling, but that might be Donald and Jacqueline, they're only a couple of floors away.
She's not coughing.
My mother's not coughing.
You know she can't breathe in the mornings.
Mam! MAM! It'll be me that can't breathe when this bloody phone bill comes in.
My mother isn't in her room.
Where is she? How the frig should I know? Calm down.
My mother's got four weeks to live.
Don't you tell me to calm down! Janice.
Janice! I swear to God, Madge, if this whole thing is your idea of a joke, you won't have four hours to live, never mind four weeks.
I'm sorry, I don't even know what a vajazzle is, but I'll ask Kenneth our head stylist to call you back.
It's what? Oh, I'm not sure Kenneth will be up for that, to be honest, but you can always ask That's right.
Pensioner's 50% off day is Wednesday.
All right.
Take care.
Oh! Ho-oh! Hey, have you seen Squirrel? Who? Squirrel.
Squirrel Bigcock.
Oh, Cyril, he was sniffing about earlier.
Do you know, I heard when Miss Temple-Savage found Squirrel in Benidorm, he was a vagabundo.
I think you say tramp.
You're joking.
No wonder he looks like the cat who got the cream.
Squirrel has a cat? No, man, I just mean getting the job here, he's landed on his feet.
Ah, yes, a cat will always land on his feet.
You didn't know this? Well, now, gentlemen Oh, apologies, lady and gentleman.
Mm.
It would appear we have a staff/work ratio imbalance.
Meaning you obviously have nothing to do.
Well, not to worry.
Help is at hand.
Lesley, I'd like you to put up these posters and distribute these leaflets.
I'm supposed to be on reception.
Have you never heard of delegation? That's what Roy Castle had, wasn't it? That was dedication.
Roy and I were very close, actually.
I once doubled for his feet in a cornflake commercial.
No, I was talking about Look, just get those out.
Excuse me, have you seen my mother? Madam, do you mind? We happen to have a dress code.
These may be known as the common areas, but they're not that common.
Have you seen Madge? I'm sorry, pet, I haven't.
Madam, I must ask you to - Oh, shut up! Have you seen my mother? I think she's by the pool.
Appropriate clothing must be worn at all times in the communal - Ooh! You haven't seen my wife, have you? She went that way.
Thanks.
Dad, what's going on? Is this place always like this? Yes.
Oh.
What is going on? Just a minor disturbance.
I've read them the riot act, vis-a-vis appropriate clothing in the hotel.
Oh.
I don't think we'll have any more trouble there.
Now cigarette break, I think.
You see, Lesley, that's a manager.
Someone on his feet.
Has a natural authority over others.
Someone who has a history of - Being a tramp.
A history of being a tramp.
I beg your pardon? Nothing.
Just go easy on the tittle-tattle, Lesley.
Loose lips sink ships.
I cannot understand a word anyone says today.
Morning.
Morning, son.
Oh, what's going on? Where am I? I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
That was my fault.
I thought you were dead.
Why did you think I was dead? You were lying with your head in the sink at eight in the morning.
I must have fallen asleep.
You've been out all night again, haven't you? Yeah.
Are you still getting them twinges? Yeah.
I think it's time for a major lifestyle change, don't you? Yeah, just what I was thinking.
Do you know if they've started breakfast yet? I could murder some black pudding.
What's all the racket? What, all the slamming doors, arguing and shouting? Just another morning at the Solana lunatic asylum.
Such a lovely place to bring your family on holiday! What are you doing out here? I was having trouble hearing the slamming doors above your snoring.
I'm getting in the shower.
Ooh, I have found a lovely health spa, 10 minutes away - five-star.
I thought we could spend the day there.
What, all of us? How much is it? What's that got to do with anything? It's a nice day, today.
It'd be a crime to stuck indoors.
Nowhere near the crime I will commit, if I don't get out of this pigsty! Mother, what are you doing here? I've been sick with worry.
What is there to worry about? Janice, go up and get changed.
I'll sit with your mother.
Why does anybody need to sit with me? Right, we're going home.
What? Your grandmother has got four weeks to We're going home.
Mick, get the flights changed.
We're only here for another few days.
Mick's right.
We may as well finish our holiday.
What did you just say? I said we may as well finish our holiday.
No, no, before that.
I said you're right.
Michael, how do you do the voice recorder thing on this phone? Madam, I must insist you change into something more appropriate.
Go up and get changed.
Come on, Mum, I'll go with you.
Keep trying the doctor.
All right, I will.
We're not here to spoil anybody's fun, but standards must be maintained.
Aye, all right.
I'll go and get us a coffee.
Oh, thanks, love.
We've had trouble from you before.
One more incident and you'll get a lifetime ban from all Solana hotels.
That won't make much difference to me, love.
I've only got four weeks to live.
Mm-hm.
Are you black? No.
Are you white? Yes.
Are you in the entertainment industry? Yes.
Are you a singer? Er, yes.
Are you Cheryl Cole? No.
Are you over 50? Yes.
Su Pollard.
No.
Do you want a clue? Go on.
We once shared a Jacuzzi with this celebrity, which resulted in it having to be drained and industrially cleaned.
Could you narrow it down a bit? What's it all about, Alfie? Alfie? You said you were a woman.
I'm Cilla Black.
Of course.
I knew I should have asked, 'Did this celebrity's collar not match her cuffs?' Oh, yeah.
Competition this afternoon.
Free entry.
We're gonna have a spit roast.
Sounds like our kind of competition.
Mm.
Mmm.
Anyone fancy going to the beach? No? Nobody fancy going to the beach? I'm not keen on beaches.
I've ended up with sand in some very strange places over the years.
Oh.
B, do you fancy going to the beach? The beach sounds nice.
Going with who? With me.
Oh.
How can I put this, without hurting your feelings? No.
You're coming to the spa with me, aren't you, bubs? What spa? I sent you a text about it.
What are we doing, texting each other, when we're in adjoining rooms? The world's gone mad.
I don't want to go to a spa.
I've been groped by enough dirty Spaniards this week, thank you.
There is nothing to do here.
Hombre versus Food competition, this afternoon, free entry.
Eat a whole pig and win a T-shirt.
That sounds disgusting.
I don't mind a bit of pig, as it goes.
You wanna be careful.
For you, that's practically cannibalism.
Oh, what have I done now? Come on, feel the burn! The only burn I'm getting is heartburn.
I knew I shouldn't have had that black pudding.
Come on! Stronger! Faster! Harder! Well, if I had a Euro for every time I've shouted that Stop talking, keep going.
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
Come on, Kenneth! You've only gone up three steps.
Three steps? I feel like I've run a marathon.
Oh! Ooh! Oh, my God, what was in that powdered drink you gave me? It was a protein shake.
Ooh! I've got enough gas in me to get to Alicante! Protein's good for you, you should drink as much of it as possible.
Believe me, love, you're preaching to the converted.
I was talking about the shake.
Oh, no.
No, it's no good.
I'm gonna have to change these shorts for something more heavy-duty.
I see trouble on the horizon.
Why don't we start with something more gentle? How about a jog on the beach? Perfect.
What are you doing? Just ringing for a taxi.
How else are we gonna get to the beach? It's a shame we can't stay a few more weeks.
It would've been nice to spend my last few days in the summer.
Do we have to talk about it, Nana? Sorry, son, I didn't mean to upset you.
Oh, they're still engaged.
Right, I need to stretch my legs.
Who wants a drink? Keep ringing them! Same again, everyone? Lovely.
The doctor might have made a mistake, Nana.
Oh, I don't think so, son.
They're very clever men.
I've had a good life.
I've no complaints.
Hello? This is her husband, Mick Garvey.
Yeah, she has been ringing you, but you've been engaged.
You've been trying to call us back and we've been engaged.
Right, sorry about that.
Yeah, yeah, I'm free to speak now, thank you.
They're putting me through to the doctor.
Do you wanna speak to him? Hello, Dr Kundu.
Mick Garvey.
Yeah.
Thanks for ringing back.
My wife was just wanting to speak to you It sounds lovely, but I don't think I will today, thank you.
Facial, massage, hot steam.
Maybe a body wrap.
No.
You should take a little bit more care of yourself.
I'm sorry? This isn't pampering.
It's maintenance.
People see facials and massage as a luxury, but they need to be part of every woman's weekly routine.
I'm a beauty therapist.
Yeah, you've said.
Here you go, pet, that's your drinks.
Thanks, love.
Hey, Cyril's looking for you.
Aren't you supposed to be going up the Old Town with him? Ostia! Let me know if you change your mind.
I would love to get my hands on your T-zone.
Aye.
I bet you would.
So, you're a beauty therapist.
That's right.
Oh, I've often thought I should try and break into the beauty industry.
Yeah, well, I recommend you do it at night, when nobody can see you.
Has he got through? They rang us.
All right, Mikey? Don't fancy a walk to the beach, do you? I don't think he will, love, not today.
Oh.
OK.
Sorry to bother you.
Right, thanks very much.
Thank you, Doctor.
Madge, what can you remember about the conversation with Dr Kundu, when he told you you had six months to live? What do you mean? I mean, can you remember anything unusual about the manner in which he gave you this devastating news? I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, let's put it this way.
If a doctor was telling me I had six months to live, I assume he'd be diplomatic, well-mannered, friendly even Oh, no.
He was an absolute bastard, shouting and screaming at me.
He couldn't get me out of his office soon enough.
And you've no idea why? I've stopped trying to understand people like that a long time ago.
Well, I've just spoken to Dr Kundu and, even though it was over five months ago, he had no trouble remembering when you went to see him.
Mick, get to the point.
The point is your mother has been banned from seeing every doctor in the health centre for various reasons, ranging from racism to threatening behaviour.
I'm not a racialist.
I've got everything Winifred Atwell ever recorded.
Dr Kundu was the only one who'd see you.
When he found out you'd written to the Manchester Evening News, just because you suspected he had a drink problem, he banned you from the health centre.
Yes and, after all that, he then told me I had six months to live.
Ha! He even said he wished I'd be dead sooner.
He told you, you had six months to LEAVE! When people are banned from the health centre, they're given time to find another doctor.
He said he wished he could get rid of you sooner, but he had to give you six months to LEAVE.
Six months to leave? Not six months to live? Yes.
Well, how am I supposed to understand him, with that bloody accent? I'm off to the beach.
Take your phone.
Mother, did you not think to ask for a few more details? He's not a real doctor, his wife used to be married to a vicar.
What's that got to do with anything? Ha! So, I've been sitting here, not smoking, keeping out of the sun, because my doctor can hardly string a sentence together.
They should all be put up against a wall and shot! Where are you off to now? To get some bloody cigs! I don't believe it.
Well, one good thing has come out of all of this.
What's that? Out the way! Move! Madge is back.
Why am I here? You, my friend, are here to carry the pig? So why are you here? I am here to pay for the pig.
Why did you not just give me the 200 Euros for the pig? Because, young man, armed with the negotiating skills of a blind, drunken goat, you would've paid 200 Euros.
I thought you wanted the pig, not a goat.
I'm about to come out of that shop, having paid only 50 Euros for said pig.
The price is 200.
How you pay 50? Stand back, my friend, watch and learn, as the master goes to work.
Excuse me, you see that pig in the window? Well, I'll give you 20 Euros.
No? All right, 30? I'll give you the Thank you.
He won't move on the price of the pig.
Come on, I've got another idea.
What are we doing here? This is disgusting.
Take it from someone who knows: fresh meat guidelines are ludicrously stringent.
If this meat was thrown away today, there is nothing wrong with it, so long as it's cooked today.
You want us to cook meat that has been thrown away? Bingo! Looks just the job, that.
Yes.
You don't eat pig? I will not be eating this one, I saw where it came from.
Yeah, you can get emotionally attached to 'em, if you've seen 'em running about, and that.
I was the same when I went to see the film Winnie The Pooh.
You never ate pooh again? Piglet.
Piglet was one of the characters in Winnie The Pooh.
Honestly, you try and have a decent conversation Hiya.
I've changed my mind, if you still fancy going.
To the spa, that is.
Ooh! You don't need to ask me twice.
Ooh, are you coming, bubs? Girls' day out? No, I'm sunbathing.
Oh, OK, my sweet pea.
Mwah! You don't know how much it is, do you? My treat, Jan.
Come on.
Here, do you know what that barman just said to me? No.
What's going on, am I invisible or what? Sorry, pal, I didn't see you there.
Come on, Kenneth, no pain, no gain.
Oh, I can't breathe.
Work through the pain.
Sorry, I That's better.
This is more like it.
No, my friend, THAT is more like it.
Hola.
Pedalo for you today? Any freebies, going? No, sorry? And what about the pedalos? Listen, we'd love to hire a pedalo, but my mate, he's scared of water.
He can't swim - I can swim.
Argh! And, well, he's a bit nervous.
Maybe, if you could join us, you know, safety in numbers.
I'm not nervous.
He always says that when he's nervous.
Wait here.
What did you say that for? Don't screw this up, Mikey.
I know what I'm doing.
Well, if you have someone who cannot swim, I shall come with you.
What did I tell you? I bet you could get used to this, couldn't you, Jan? That massage was nice.
Mm.
Mine was built like Schwarzenegger.
His hands were going everywhere.
Really? Mm.
I had this massive German woman called Ingrid who smelled like window putty.
Mine was very masculine.
Big muscles, huge moustache.
Sounds a bit like Ingrid.
But it's important to look after ourselves at our age.
I say our age, I bet you're not that much older than me.
No.
It's difficult though.
I have a PT at home.
Oh, mine's getting worse.
I'm forever snapping at the kids.
And, two weeks out of every month, I can't get my jeans on.
What? Pre-menstrual tension.
Is that not what you meant? PT - personal trainer, for the gym.
Oh, sorry.
His name's Chad.
He's an American and 32.
£70 an hour but, my God, he is worth every penny.
£70 an hour? Jesus! I'd want him to be building me an extension at the same time for that kind of money.
Believe me, I have tried to budget, but I don't know how you do it.
But I see you've got that lovely thing my mother had.
You don't care how you look as long as your kids are turned out nice.
I respect you for that.
I think I'm gonna have a shower and get dressed.
OK, Jan.
I might have a cheeky five minutes in the steam room, but I will see you in the reception.
Yeah.
These floors are dead slippy.
Mind you don't fall and break your neck.
Cheers, Jan.
And it's Janice.
I cannot close your account until your friend has finished her treatments.
Would you just like to pay for your treatments, Mrs Gravy? It's Garvey.
How much is it? Your personal invoice comes to 210 Euros.
I think I'll wait for my friend.
No problem.
Please, take a seat.
Come on now, ladies and gentlemen.
We have space for one more competitor.
The rules are very simple.
All you have to do is eat.
No takers? There.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Step right this way.
Bloody hell, I think we should have got a bigger pig.
We may as well all forget it.
Jimmy Five Bellies has got it in the bag.
Hiya.
Look at the state of you two.
You look as if you couldn't manage a mouthful each.
I'm sorry? That pig is going down.
Down my throat.
You know-hopers haven't got a chance.
All right, Donald, calm down, it's only a bit of fun.
Oh, I don't mean to be rude, this is just jive talk.
All big fighters do it before a match.
You're eating a plate of pork, not going 12 rounds with Mike Tyson.
Bring on the meat! Are you sure you wanna do this, B? I can drink or eat any man under the table.
There you go.
She's got the idea.
Your mother wouldn't know a plate of pork if it hit her in the face.
Are you talking about my family? Sorry.
The rules are very simple.
Eat as much pig as you can.
Mind the crackling.
There's no runners up, it's winner takes all.
OK, we are now full to capacity.
Very full.
Gentlemen, and lady, raise your forks.
Three, two, one, eat! Tiger, you need to wear your life vest.
Come on, let's get this bitch steaming.
Oh, I don't mean you, I mean the pedalo.
If Elena says you should wear your life vest, you should wear it.
Aw, listen to him.
I told you he gets nervous around water.
I'm not nervous, I'm just saying if we're going far out, then I think you should put it on.
Just keep pedalling, mate.
The only thing to worry about is what to do with yourself when me and Elena go for a swim.
Where have you been? You said you were gonna be five minutes.
Sorry, Jan, I nodded off in the steam room.
Mind you, look at the results.
I know I shouldn't say it myself, but my skin looks amazing.
I'd like to settle our bill, thank you.
The total for both of you is 460 Euros.
Worth every penny.
Janice.
My name's Janice.
If I can get your name right, Tonya, I'm sure you can manage 'Janice'.
Oh, dear.
I think someone should have spent a few more minutes in the hydrotherapy relaxation tank.
Erm Everything all right? Sorry, your card has broken.
Broken? Oh, my God! Look at that.
Well, I did give it quite a hammering before I came out here.
You haven't got a card on you, have you, Jan? Sorry, Janice? That's the only one I brought with me.
Can't we just come back with another card? Sorry.
I don't know if this card's gonna work.
I don't know what the overdraught is.
We can settle up later, can't we? Your secret number, please.
I tell you what, I'll get next time.
I can't wait for another deep-tissue massage.
I'll see you outside.
It's getting a bit warm in here.
Thank you, Mrs Gravy.
That has gone through just fine.
You've not been doing 'em! Liam, love, I'm absolutely shagged out.
Can we go back now? No! You wanted to get fit and the only way to do that is to push through the pain barrier.
I've already nearly pushed through once, in these shorts.
That protein drink should carry a health warning, and washing instructions, at least.
Kenneth, you drink too much, you smoke too much, you eat too much.
How do you think you can go on like this? Who said I eat too much? We have to go to Albir to the all-you-can-eat restaurant, as you've been banned from Benidorm.
That is not true.
I'm not banned from Mr Wu's.
They just ask that I bring my own reinforced chair to sit on.
You're asked to bring a chair to an all-you-can-eat restaurant because you break their furniture.
You can't be happy with that.
Happy? I'm livid.
Do you know how much that chair weighs? I can't carry that all round town with me.
Listen to yourself.
Is this the person you want to be? No, of course it's not, but I've not done this exercise thing before.
I'm finding it really difficult.
A journey of 1,000 miles starts with one step.
piss? I'm supposed to meet Derek and Mark in the Old Town at eight.
It's just a saying.
It means things might be difficult now but, if we do a little bit every day Come on, then.
What's next? Power-walk up to the cross.
Up to the cross? Are you joking? That'll kill me! There's a great view down onto the nudist beach from there.
Ooh, you little swine.
You know me far too well.
Come on, then.
I'm coming.
Oh, come on, shovel it in.
I've seen you eat more at breakfast.
Will you shut up? Right, that's me done.
I've got pig fatigue.
Don't eat it if you can't face it, B.
I'm on my second plate, lightweight.
Go on, girl.
Watch that one.
Watch her.
She's shoving it down her socks.
I know all the tricks.
You can't fool me.
I'm not wearing socks, you silly cow.
That's my mother-in-law you're talking to.
You're saying she's not a silly cow?! Fair point well made.
So we're one down and seven remaining.
Ooh, you're back.
Fancy a bit of pork? No, I don't.
I thought you went to a health spa? You look shocking.
Thanks! You should ask for your money back.
Don't worry.
I intend to.
I think we should turn back.
We are passed the safety marker.
We need to turn back.
But, first, I need to cool off.
Tiger, the water is too deep here.
You must put on your life vest.
I could lose my job if my uncle comes back and sees how far we are out here.
Wooo! Mate, stop messing around.
We're too far out.
Come on, Elena, it's beautiful.
Why is your friend such an asshole? I've been trying to figure that one out for the last week.
Oh, my God.
Michael, what is wrong? I think I just saw something.
What? What did you see, Michael? I think I saw a shark.
A shark?! There are no sharks in the Mediterranean.
Well, not in this part, it'll be a dolphin.
I don't think it was.
Mate, I think you should come back, there's something in the water! What? I can't hear you.
There's something in the water.
There's something in the water! You can't get me with that one, mate.
Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Help me! I'm gonna die! Don't panic, it's only a dolphin.
Oh, my goodness.
What's wrong? Help me! That is not a dolphin! I'm gonna die! Help me! Help! What are you doing, Michael? Michael! Stop thrashing about, you dick! Michael, hurry! Quickly! Get hold of him! What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! You ought to see your faces! Oh, man, that was class! My mate nearly had a heart attack.
Oh, please, stop.
I can't breathe.
Come on, let's get back.
Here, mate, I don't suppose I can get a lift back, can I? No.
I'm knackered.
You're joking, aren't you? You can swim.
Oi, mate! Mate! Here, mate! Here, mate! Oi! Come on, Donald.
If your arms are tiring, put your face in your plate.
How's it all going? So far, so good.
No fatalities yet.
Although, if our friend in the pink keeps this up, we may have to cover the pool, to get the Air Ambulance in.
OK, people time is up.
That is the end of the Solana's annual Hombre Vs Food competition.
And we have a winner.
Oh! Mateo, get the prize! That's not fair.
He's obviously a professional competitive eater.
There you go.
Ah! Don't worry, they're quite stretchy once you get them on.
Thank you.
May I remind you that Solana T-shirts are available to purchase in reception, between the hours Oh, dear.
I think someone might need a little siesta.
As I was saying, T-shirts of the Solana or Neptune are available - Ooh! Stand back, everyone! He's gonna blow! Oh, dear.
It seems there's a fine line between prize winning and piggery.
A little lesson for us all there, I think.
Are you all right? Oh, God.
It's the pig, you've not cooked it for long enough.
Hey, I know how to cook a pig.
If Squirrel hadn't taken it for free out of the rubbish bin, they would be OK.
Cyril, is this true? It should be fine.
I've been eating food out of bins for weeks in Benidorm.
There's nothing wrong with me.
Lesley, ring a doctor.
Mateo, move that pig.
And anyone who's eaten that pork, keep out of the pool.
I'm all right.
I'm all right.
I knew it wasn't a real shark.
We must get you to a doctor.
I think you are in shock.
I said I'm fine.
Where's that dick? I'm gonna knock him out! Let's just go.
Come here, you! Calm down, big fella, it was just a joke.
Just a joke? You know what your problem is, don't you? You've got no sense of humour.
You'll have no sense of smell, when I spread your nose across your face.
Michael, are you OK? Come on, let's go.
I said let's go.
What's wrong with you? Why are we going? She was fit.
Right.
Well, I can't track down Cyril anywhere.
I suppose it's understandable, if he's lying low.
Lying low? He should be strung up from the nearest palm tree for what he's done.
Please, Lesley, let's not get hysterical.
What if it was me who got the smelly pig, and not Squirrel, huh? Would I be OK to lie on the low for a while? No.
I would be carrying the sack.
I couldn't have put it better myself.
I could've done, but I know what you mean.
Look, I agree, Mr Babcock has put us in a very tricky situation.
And, when head office find out my job will be on the line.
Somebody has to take responsibility for this.
But, I'm sorry, that person is not going to be Squirrel - I mean Cyril.
I make no apologies, I'm going to be straight with you.
I don't normally talk about my personal life, but I've let that man walk out of my life twice now, and I'm not going to let it happen a third time.
Maybe we could blame it on Jesus.
What, you mean, like an act of God? No, man, Jesus, the soft lad that works in maintenance.
Khay-zoos.
Bless you.
I will be taking full responsibility for this incident.
I'll make out a full report and E-mail it to head office now.
If they get rid of me, I'll go but at least I won't go alone.
Love letters straight From your heart Keep us so near While apart Cos I'm having a good time, having a good time I'm a shooting star, leaping through the sky like a tiger Defying the laws of gravity Just tell me how much it was.
I'm gonna find out when the statement comes in.
It doesn't matter because I'm going to get the money back anyway.
If you're gonna get the money back, why don't you just? Oh, God, here we go again.
200 degrees, that's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit I'm travelling at the speed of light I wanna make a supersonic man out of you It's a good job you didn't have any of that pork, Mam.
You'd have been crippled, with your funny stomach.
I never go near pork.
Disgusting animals.
You have bacon.
Bacon doesn't count.
You've got to have bacon with your breakfast.
And you like gammon.
Aye, I like a bit of gammon.
And what about pork sausages? Well, yeah.
Apart from bacon, gammon and sausages.
Apart from those, I wouldn't go anywhere near pork.
You've been quiet.
How was the beach? Yeah, it was all right.
Is that it? Well, what do you want me to say? It's just a beach.
All right, misery.
# .
.
oh, explode! I'm burning through the sky, yeah, Oh, Jesus.
They call me Mr Fahrenheit I don't know why he doesn't spend the night in there.
He more or less has.
# .
.
supersonic woman of you Don't stop me, don't stop me, Don't stop me Hey, hey, hey! Don't stop me, don't stop me Well, I would love to know what went on down at that beach.
You've not said a word since you've come back.
You look like your dad, when I backed his Porsche into the pool.
Don't ever, ever say I look like my dad! No, you take after your Mama when it comes to your beautiful face, don't you? Shut up! How has that pork not affected you? I'm fine.
I know.
I was asking how.
You've always had a strong constitution, bubs.
I suppose so, whatever that is.
I feel like I've been flushed out by Dyno-Rod.
Charming! What was that thing you had, when they shoved that hosepipe up your jacksy? All right, some of us are trying to eat.
Colonic hydrotherapy.
Absolutely horrendous.
All right, I give up.
That white sofa in our conservatory's never looked right since.
How was the spa, today? A bit over-priced, to be honest.
Mind you, I didn't have to - Hold that thought.
.
.
through the sky, yeah 200 degrees, that's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit Anyone for pudding? I'm travelling at the speed of light I wanna make a supersonic woman of you Don't stop me, don't stop me Don't stop me Hey, hey, hey! Don't stop me, don't stop me, Ooh, ooh, ooh I like it! Don't stop me, don't stop me Have a good time, good time Don't stop me, don't stop me Whoa, yeah! Amazing.
I feel like a new man.
I told you.
The high after a good training session is like nothing else on earth.
Well, nearly.
I'd go easy on them spuds, though.
Best to avoid carbs, until you lose a bit of weight.
You're joking? My body is a highly-tuned machine.
I need to fuel the furnace.
Ooh! Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just a food stitch.
I'll work through it.
.
.
supersonic man out of you Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time Miss Temple-Savage, you are OK? I'm fine.
You will not lose your job.
We will make sure of this.
It's not that, it Yes? Nothing.
You have not heard from Squirrel? No, Mateo, I have not heard from Squirrel.
He is just, as you say, lying on the low.
He will come back.
I hope so.
I really do hope so.
That's life I see we've not heard anything more from that Dr Kundu.
He knows he's in the wrong.
He's lucky I'm not suing him from arsehole to breakfast time.
I'm just glad we're all together, and that you're in good health.
Good health? I'll outlive the lot of you.
Why do I not doubt that? When I'm back on top Back on top in June? Excuse me, I think I'm wanted.
That's life And, as funny as it may seem Yeah, by who we haven't found out, yet.
Get their kicks Excuse me, Michael.
Elena.
You er, you left your shirt.
Ah, right.
Erm Do you want a drink? Oh, no, I have to go.
My uncle, he is waiting for me, but maybe you'll come by the beach again, tomorrow? Yeah, yeah, that sounds cool.
Cool.
.
.
a pawn and a king I've been up and down And over and out Just don't say anything.
Oh, God.
I feel absolutely wiped out.
Slag.
I beg your pardon.
Have I missed something? And then I'd fly I've been a puppet, a pauper There you go, you deserve these drinks after all your hard work.
Oh, thanks, Lesley, I feel like a new man.
So do I, but where do you find one round here, eh? Ah, dear.
Laying flat on my face I just pick myself up And get back in the race Oh, it's my dad's favourite song, this is.
I never heard it before.
You're joking? It's Frank Sinatra.
Oh, yeah.
It was his favourite.
I remember, my dad had this signed album of his and on it was written, 'May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear, be mine.
' What was that other one he did? Was it Kinky Boots? No, hang on a minute, that was his daughter Nancy.
Kenneth? I can't breathe.
# I'm gonna roll myself up Are you all right? I can't breathe.
# In a big ball What's up, love? What's up? # And die My, my!
I will need your help.
This one is crazy.
Hola.
Hello, love.
Do you know you are too early for breakfast? You are going to have to wait at least another half hour.
It's all right, love.
I was just enjoying the view.
Oh, I can move if I'm in your way.
No, no, you can stay here.
The view's all-inclusive.
Have you ever thought why we're here? I am at work, you are on holiday.
No, I mean, why we're put on the earth in the first place - what's it all about? I am sorry, I am not qualified to answer these questions.
I suggest you try business centre.
They have the inter-web there.
What's going on? Where's the breakfast? You are too early.
Oh! I'll kill that DJ from Cafe B.
He always plays Islands In The Stream at a quarter to eight so I know I've got 15 minutes to get here, to get my breakfast.
Idiot.
Oh, my head is banging.
You haven't got a light have you, love? Yes, love.
Cheers.
You can keep that.
Oh, nice one.
Are you sure? Yeah.
You may as well have these as well.
You're not stopping, are you? The doctors gave me six months to live.
Really? That was five months ago.
Believe me, son, if you know what's good for you, you'll start looking after yourself.
Right.
If you'll excuse me, I'm off to sit in the shade.
Think about what I said, son.
# I think to myself Bloody hell.
You certainly know how to put someone off their bacon butty.
Come on.
Come on! What are you doing? You know what I'm doing.
I'm trying to get through to Doctor Kundu.
It's a quarter to eight.
I know.
They open at eight.
Somebody might be there.
It's a quarter to eight here, so it's a quarter to seven at home.
I know Dr Kundu's receptionist looks keen.
.
Hello, this is Janice Garvey, again, calling about my mother Madge Harvey.
We need Dr Kundu to ring us back on the mobile number I left last night as soon as possible, please.
What did you say? We're an hour in front.
It's a quarter to seven there.
Oh, I'd forgotten about the time difference.
Look, why don't we just - Sssh! What can you hear? Nowt much.
Bit of drilling, but that might be Donald and Jacqueline, they're only a couple of floors away.
She's not coughing.
My mother's not coughing.
You know she can't breathe in the mornings.
Mam! MAM! It'll be me that can't breathe when this bloody phone bill comes in.
My mother isn't in her room.
Where is she? How the frig should I know? Calm down.
My mother's got four weeks to live.
Don't you tell me to calm down! Janice.
Janice! I swear to God, Madge, if this whole thing is your idea of a joke, you won't have four hours to live, never mind four weeks.
I'm sorry, I don't even know what a vajazzle is, but I'll ask Kenneth our head stylist to call you back.
It's what? Oh, I'm not sure Kenneth will be up for that, to be honest, but you can always ask That's right.
Pensioner's 50% off day is Wednesday.
All right.
Take care.
Oh! Ho-oh! Hey, have you seen Squirrel? Who? Squirrel.
Squirrel Bigcock.
Oh, Cyril, he was sniffing about earlier.
Do you know, I heard when Miss Temple-Savage found Squirrel in Benidorm, he was a vagabundo.
I think you say tramp.
You're joking.
No wonder he looks like the cat who got the cream.
Squirrel has a cat? No, man, I just mean getting the job here, he's landed on his feet.
Ah, yes, a cat will always land on his feet.
You didn't know this? Well, now, gentlemen Oh, apologies, lady and gentleman.
Mm.
It would appear we have a staff/work ratio imbalance.
Meaning you obviously have nothing to do.
Well, not to worry.
Help is at hand.
Lesley, I'd like you to put up these posters and distribute these leaflets.
I'm supposed to be on reception.
Have you never heard of delegation? That's what Roy Castle had, wasn't it? That was dedication.
Roy and I were very close, actually.
I once doubled for his feet in a cornflake commercial.
No, I was talking about Look, just get those out.
Excuse me, have you seen my mother? Madam, do you mind? We happen to have a dress code.
These may be known as the common areas, but they're not that common.
Have you seen Madge? I'm sorry, pet, I haven't.
Madam, I must ask you to - Oh, shut up! Have you seen my mother? I think she's by the pool.
Appropriate clothing must be worn at all times in the communal - Ooh! You haven't seen my wife, have you? She went that way.
Thanks.
Dad, what's going on? Is this place always like this? Yes.
Oh.
What is going on? Just a minor disturbance.
I've read them the riot act, vis-a-vis appropriate clothing in the hotel.
Oh.
I don't think we'll have any more trouble there.
Now cigarette break, I think.
You see, Lesley, that's a manager.
Someone on his feet.
Has a natural authority over others.
Someone who has a history of - Being a tramp.
A history of being a tramp.
I beg your pardon? Nothing.
Just go easy on the tittle-tattle, Lesley.
Loose lips sink ships.
I cannot understand a word anyone says today.
Morning.
Morning, son.
Oh, what's going on? Where am I? I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
That was my fault.
I thought you were dead.
Why did you think I was dead? You were lying with your head in the sink at eight in the morning.
I must have fallen asleep.
You've been out all night again, haven't you? Yeah.
Are you still getting them twinges? Yeah.
I think it's time for a major lifestyle change, don't you? Yeah, just what I was thinking.
Do you know if they've started breakfast yet? I could murder some black pudding.
What's all the racket? What, all the slamming doors, arguing and shouting? Just another morning at the Solana lunatic asylum.
Such a lovely place to bring your family on holiday! What are you doing out here? I was having trouble hearing the slamming doors above your snoring.
I'm getting in the shower.
Ooh, I have found a lovely health spa, 10 minutes away - five-star.
I thought we could spend the day there.
What, all of us? How much is it? What's that got to do with anything? It's a nice day, today.
It'd be a crime to stuck indoors.
Nowhere near the crime I will commit, if I don't get out of this pigsty! Mother, what are you doing here? I've been sick with worry.
What is there to worry about? Janice, go up and get changed.
I'll sit with your mother.
Why does anybody need to sit with me? Right, we're going home.
What? Your grandmother has got four weeks to We're going home.
Mick, get the flights changed.
We're only here for another few days.
Mick's right.
We may as well finish our holiday.
What did you just say? I said we may as well finish our holiday.
No, no, before that.
I said you're right.
Michael, how do you do the voice recorder thing on this phone? Madam, I must insist you change into something more appropriate.
Go up and get changed.
Come on, Mum, I'll go with you.
Keep trying the doctor.
All right, I will.
We're not here to spoil anybody's fun, but standards must be maintained.
Aye, all right.
I'll go and get us a coffee.
Oh, thanks, love.
We've had trouble from you before.
One more incident and you'll get a lifetime ban from all Solana hotels.
That won't make much difference to me, love.
I've only got four weeks to live.
Mm-hm.
Are you black? No.
Are you white? Yes.
Are you in the entertainment industry? Yes.
Are you a singer? Er, yes.
Are you Cheryl Cole? No.
Are you over 50? Yes.
Su Pollard.
No.
Do you want a clue? Go on.
We once shared a Jacuzzi with this celebrity, which resulted in it having to be drained and industrially cleaned.
Could you narrow it down a bit? What's it all about, Alfie? Alfie? You said you were a woman.
I'm Cilla Black.
Of course.
I knew I should have asked, 'Did this celebrity's collar not match her cuffs?' Oh, yeah.
Competition this afternoon.
Free entry.
We're gonna have a spit roast.
Sounds like our kind of competition.
Mm.
Mmm.
Anyone fancy going to the beach? No? Nobody fancy going to the beach? I'm not keen on beaches.
I've ended up with sand in some very strange places over the years.
Oh.
B, do you fancy going to the beach? The beach sounds nice.
Going with who? With me.
Oh.
How can I put this, without hurting your feelings? No.
You're coming to the spa with me, aren't you, bubs? What spa? I sent you a text about it.
What are we doing, texting each other, when we're in adjoining rooms? The world's gone mad.
I don't want to go to a spa.
I've been groped by enough dirty Spaniards this week, thank you.
There is nothing to do here.
Hombre versus Food competition, this afternoon, free entry.
Eat a whole pig and win a T-shirt.
That sounds disgusting.
I don't mind a bit of pig, as it goes.
You wanna be careful.
For you, that's practically cannibalism.
Oh, what have I done now? Come on, feel the burn! The only burn I'm getting is heartburn.
I knew I shouldn't have had that black pudding.
Come on! Stronger! Faster! Harder! Well, if I had a Euro for every time I've shouted that Stop talking, keep going.
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
Come on, Kenneth! You've only gone up three steps.
Three steps? I feel like I've run a marathon.
Oh! Ooh! Oh, my God, what was in that powdered drink you gave me? It was a protein shake.
Ooh! I've got enough gas in me to get to Alicante! Protein's good for you, you should drink as much of it as possible.
Believe me, love, you're preaching to the converted.
I was talking about the shake.
Oh, no.
No, it's no good.
I'm gonna have to change these shorts for something more heavy-duty.
I see trouble on the horizon.
Why don't we start with something more gentle? How about a jog on the beach? Perfect.
What are you doing? Just ringing for a taxi.
How else are we gonna get to the beach? It's a shame we can't stay a few more weeks.
It would've been nice to spend my last few days in the summer.
Do we have to talk about it, Nana? Sorry, son, I didn't mean to upset you.
Oh, they're still engaged.
Right, I need to stretch my legs.
Who wants a drink? Keep ringing them! Same again, everyone? Lovely.
The doctor might have made a mistake, Nana.
Oh, I don't think so, son.
They're very clever men.
I've had a good life.
I've no complaints.
Hello? This is her husband, Mick Garvey.
Yeah, she has been ringing you, but you've been engaged.
You've been trying to call us back and we've been engaged.
Right, sorry about that.
Yeah, yeah, I'm free to speak now, thank you.
They're putting me through to the doctor.
Do you wanna speak to him? Hello, Dr Kundu.
Mick Garvey.
Yeah.
Thanks for ringing back.
My wife was just wanting to speak to you It sounds lovely, but I don't think I will today, thank you.
Facial, massage, hot steam.
Maybe a body wrap.
No.
You should take a little bit more care of yourself.
I'm sorry? This isn't pampering.
It's maintenance.
People see facials and massage as a luxury, but they need to be part of every woman's weekly routine.
I'm a beauty therapist.
Yeah, you've said.
Here you go, pet, that's your drinks.
Thanks, love.
Hey, Cyril's looking for you.
Aren't you supposed to be going up the Old Town with him? Ostia! Let me know if you change your mind.
I would love to get my hands on your T-zone.
Aye.
I bet you would.
So, you're a beauty therapist.
That's right.
Oh, I've often thought I should try and break into the beauty industry.
Yeah, well, I recommend you do it at night, when nobody can see you.
Has he got through? They rang us.
All right, Mikey? Don't fancy a walk to the beach, do you? I don't think he will, love, not today.
Oh.
OK.
Sorry to bother you.
Right, thanks very much.
Thank you, Doctor.
Madge, what can you remember about the conversation with Dr Kundu, when he told you you had six months to live? What do you mean? I mean, can you remember anything unusual about the manner in which he gave you this devastating news? I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, let's put it this way.
If a doctor was telling me I had six months to live, I assume he'd be diplomatic, well-mannered, friendly even Oh, no.
He was an absolute bastard, shouting and screaming at me.
He couldn't get me out of his office soon enough.
And you've no idea why? I've stopped trying to understand people like that a long time ago.
Well, I've just spoken to Dr Kundu and, even though it was over five months ago, he had no trouble remembering when you went to see him.
Mick, get to the point.
The point is your mother has been banned from seeing every doctor in the health centre for various reasons, ranging from racism to threatening behaviour.
I'm not a racialist.
I've got everything Winifred Atwell ever recorded.
Dr Kundu was the only one who'd see you.
When he found out you'd written to the Manchester Evening News, just because you suspected he had a drink problem, he banned you from the health centre.
Yes and, after all that, he then told me I had six months to live.
Ha! He even said he wished I'd be dead sooner.
He told you, you had six months to LEAVE! When people are banned from the health centre, they're given time to find another doctor.
He said he wished he could get rid of you sooner, but he had to give you six months to LEAVE.
Six months to leave? Not six months to live? Yes.
Well, how am I supposed to understand him, with that bloody accent? I'm off to the beach.
Take your phone.
Mother, did you not think to ask for a few more details? He's not a real doctor, his wife used to be married to a vicar.
What's that got to do with anything? Ha! So, I've been sitting here, not smoking, keeping out of the sun, because my doctor can hardly string a sentence together.
They should all be put up against a wall and shot! Where are you off to now? To get some bloody cigs! I don't believe it.
Well, one good thing has come out of all of this.
What's that? Out the way! Move! Madge is back.
Why am I here? You, my friend, are here to carry the pig? So why are you here? I am here to pay for the pig.
Why did you not just give me the 200 Euros for the pig? Because, young man, armed with the negotiating skills of a blind, drunken goat, you would've paid 200 Euros.
I thought you wanted the pig, not a goat.
I'm about to come out of that shop, having paid only 50 Euros for said pig.
The price is 200.
How you pay 50? Stand back, my friend, watch and learn, as the master goes to work.
Excuse me, you see that pig in the window? Well, I'll give you 20 Euros.
No? All right, 30? I'll give you the Thank you.
He won't move on the price of the pig.
Come on, I've got another idea.
What are we doing here? This is disgusting.
Take it from someone who knows: fresh meat guidelines are ludicrously stringent.
If this meat was thrown away today, there is nothing wrong with it, so long as it's cooked today.
You want us to cook meat that has been thrown away? Bingo! Looks just the job, that.
Yes.
You don't eat pig? I will not be eating this one, I saw where it came from.
Yeah, you can get emotionally attached to 'em, if you've seen 'em running about, and that.
I was the same when I went to see the film Winnie The Pooh.
You never ate pooh again? Piglet.
Piglet was one of the characters in Winnie The Pooh.
Honestly, you try and have a decent conversation Hiya.
I've changed my mind, if you still fancy going.
To the spa, that is.
Ooh! You don't need to ask me twice.
Ooh, are you coming, bubs? Girls' day out? No, I'm sunbathing.
Oh, OK, my sweet pea.
Mwah! You don't know how much it is, do you? My treat, Jan.
Come on.
Here, do you know what that barman just said to me? No.
What's going on, am I invisible or what? Sorry, pal, I didn't see you there.
Come on, Kenneth, no pain, no gain.
Oh, I can't breathe.
Work through the pain.
Sorry, I That's better.
This is more like it.
No, my friend, THAT is more like it.
Hola.
Pedalo for you today? Any freebies, going? No, sorry? And what about the pedalos? Listen, we'd love to hire a pedalo, but my mate, he's scared of water.
He can't swim - I can swim.
Argh! And, well, he's a bit nervous.
Maybe, if you could join us, you know, safety in numbers.
I'm not nervous.
He always says that when he's nervous.
Wait here.
What did you say that for? Don't screw this up, Mikey.
I know what I'm doing.
Well, if you have someone who cannot swim, I shall come with you.
What did I tell you? I bet you could get used to this, couldn't you, Jan? That massage was nice.
Mm.
Mine was built like Schwarzenegger.
His hands were going everywhere.
Really? Mm.
I had this massive German woman called Ingrid who smelled like window putty.
Mine was very masculine.
Big muscles, huge moustache.
Sounds a bit like Ingrid.
But it's important to look after ourselves at our age.
I say our age, I bet you're not that much older than me.
No.
It's difficult though.
I have a PT at home.
Oh, mine's getting worse.
I'm forever snapping at the kids.
And, two weeks out of every month, I can't get my jeans on.
What? Pre-menstrual tension.
Is that not what you meant? PT - personal trainer, for the gym.
Oh, sorry.
His name's Chad.
He's an American and 32.
£70 an hour but, my God, he is worth every penny.
£70 an hour? Jesus! I'd want him to be building me an extension at the same time for that kind of money.
Believe me, I have tried to budget, but I don't know how you do it.
But I see you've got that lovely thing my mother had.
You don't care how you look as long as your kids are turned out nice.
I respect you for that.
I think I'm gonna have a shower and get dressed.
OK, Jan.
I might have a cheeky five minutes in the steam room, but I will see you in the reception.
Yeah.
These floors are dead slippy.
Mind you don't fall and break your neck.
Cheers, Jan.
And it's Janice.
I cannot close your account until your friend has finished her treatments.
Would you just like to pay for your treatments, Mrs Gravy? It's Garvey.
How much is it? Your personal invoice comes to 210 Euros.
I think I'll wait for my friend.
No problem.
Please, take a seat.
Come on now, ladies and gentlemen.
We have space for one more competitor.
The rules are very simple.
All you have to do is eat.
No takers? There.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Step right this way.
Bloody hell, I think we should have got a bigger pig.
We may as well all forget it.
Jimmy Five Bellies has got it in the bag.
Hiya.
Look at the state of you two.
You look as if you couldn't manage a mouthful each.
I'm sorry? That pig is going down.
Down my throat.
You know-hopers haven't got a chance.
All right, Donald, calm down, it's only a bit of fun.
Oh, I don't mean to be rude, this is just jive talk.
All big fighters do it before a match.
You're eating a plate of pork, not going 12 rounds with Mike Tyson.
Bring on the meat! Are you sure you wanna do this, B? I can drink or eat any man under the table.
There you go.
She's got the idea.
Your mother wouldn't know a plate of pork if it hit her in the face.
Are you talking about my family? Sorry.
The rules are very simple.
Eat as much pig as you can.
Mind the crackling.
There's no runners up, it's winner takes all.
OK, we are now full to capacity.
Very full.
Gentlemen, and lady, raise your forks.
Three, two, one, eat! Tiger, you need to wear your life vest.
Come on, let's get this bitch steaming.
Oh, I don't mean you, I mean the pedalo.
If Elena says you should wear your life vest, you should wear it.
Aw, listen to him.
I told you he gets nervous around water.
I'm not nervous, I'm just saying if we're going far out, then I think you should put it on.
Just keep pedalling, mate.
The only thing to worry about is what to do with yourself when me and Elena go for a swim.
Where have you been? You said you were gonna be five minutes.
Sorry, Jan, I nodded off in the steam room.
Mind you, look at the results.
I know I shouldn't say it myself, but my skin looks amazing.
I'd like to settle our bill, thank you.
The total for both of you is 460 Euros.
Worth every penny.
Janice.
My name's Janice.
If I can get your name right, Tonya, I'm sure you can manage 'Janice'.
Oh, dear.
I think someone should have spent a few more minutes in the hydrotherapy relaxation tank.
Erm Everything all right? Sorry, your card has broken.
Broken? Oh, my God! Look at that.
Well, I did give it quite a hammering before I came out here.
You haven't got a card on you, have you, Jan? Sorry, Janice? That's the only one I brought with me.
Can't we just come back with another card? Sorry.
I don't know if this card's gonna work.
I don't know what the overdraught is.
We can settle up later, can't we? Your secret number, please.
I tell you what, I'll get next time.
I can't wait for another deep-tissue massage.
I'll see you outside.
It's getting a bit warm in here.
Thank you, Mrs Gravy.
That has gone through just fine.
You've not been doing 'em! Liam, love, I'm absolutely shagged out.
Can we go back now? No! You wanted to get fit and the only way to do that is to push through the pain barrier.
I've already nearly pushed through once, in these shorts.
That protein drink should carry a health warning, and washing instructions, at least.
Kenneth, you drink too much, you smoke too much, you eat too much.
How do you think you can go on like this? Who said I eat too much? We have to go to Albir to the all-you-can-eat restaurant, as you've been banned from Benidorm.
That is not true.
I'm not banned from Mr Wu's.
They just ask that I bring my own reinforced chair to sit on.
You're asked to bring a chair to an all-you-can-eat restaurant because you break their furniture.
You can't be happy with that.
Happy? I'm livid.
Do you know how much that chair weighs? I can't carry that all round town with me.
Listen to yourself.
Is this the person you want to be? No, of course it's not, but I've not done this exercise thing before.
I'm finding it really difficult.
A journey of 1,000 miles starts with one step.
piss? I'm supposed to meet Derek and Mark in the Old Town at eight.
It's just a saying.
It means things might be difficult now but, if we do a little bit every day Come on, then.
What's next? Power-walk up to the cross.
Up to the cross? Are you joking? That'll kill me! There's a great view down onto the nudist beach from there.
Ooh, you little swine.
You know me far too well.
Come on, then.
I'm coming.
Oh, come on, shovel it in.
I've seen you eat more at breakfast.
Will you shut up? Right, that's me done.
I've got pig fatigue.
Don't eat it if you can't face it, B.
I'm on my second plate, lightweight.
Go on, girl.
Watch that one.
Watch her.
She's shoving it down her socks.
I know all the tricks.
You can't fool me.
I'm not wearing socks, you silly cow.
That's my mother-in-law you're talking to.
You're saying she's not a silly cow?! Fair point well made.
So we're one down and seven remaining.
Ooh, you're back.
Fancy a bit of pork? No, I don't.
I thought you went to a health spa? You look shocking.
Thanks! You should ask for your money back.
Don't worry.
I intend to.
I think we should turn back.
We are passed the safety marker.
We need to turn back.
But, first, I need to cool off.
Tiger, the water is too deep here.
You must put on your life vest.
I could lose my job if my uncle comes back and sees how far we are out here.
Wooo! Mate, stop messing around.
We're too far out.
Come on, Elena, it's beautiful.
Why is your friend such an asshole? I've been trying to figure that one out for the last week.
Oh, my God.
Michael, what is wrong? I think I just saw something.
What? What did you see, Michael? I think I saw a shark.
A shark?! There are no sharks in the Mediterranean.
Well, not in this part, it'll be a dolphin.
I don't think it was.
Mate, I think you should come back, there's something in the water! What? I can't hear you.
There's something in the water.
There's something in the water! You can't get me with that one, mate.
Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Help me! I'm gonna die! Don't panic, it's only a dolphin.
Oh, my goodness.
What's wrong? Help me! That is not a dolphin! I'm gonna die! Help me! Help! What are you doing, Michael? Michael! Stop thrashing about, you dick! Michael, hurry! Quickly! Get hold of him! What is wrong with you? Oh, my God! You ought to see your faces! Oh, man, that was class! My mate nearly had a heart attack.
Oh, please, stop.
I can't breathe.
Come on, let's get back.
Here, mate, I don't suppose I can get a lift back, can I? No.
I'm knackered.
You're joking, aren't you? You can swim.
Oi, mate! Mate! Here, mate! Here, mate! Oi! Come on, Donald.
If your arms are tiring, put your face in your plate.
How's it all going? So far, so good.
No fatalities yet.
Although, if our friend in the pink keeps this up, we may have to cover the pool, to get the Air Ambulance in.
OK, people time is up.
That is the end of the Solana's annual Hombre Vs Food competition.
And we have a winner.
Oh! Mateo, get the prize! That's not fair.
He's obviously a professional competitive eater.
There you go.
Ah! Don't worry, they're quite stretchy once you get them on.
Thank you.
May I remind you that Solana T-shirts are available to purchase in reception, between the hours Oh, dear.
I think someone might need a little siesta.
As I was saying, T-shirts of the Solana or Neptune are available - Ooh! Stand back, everyone! He's gonna blow! Oh, dear.
It seems there's a fine line between prize winning and piggery.
A little lesson for us all there, I think.
Are you all right? Oh, God.
It's the pig, you've not cooked it for long enough.
Hey, I know how to cook a pig.
If Squirrel hadn't taken it for free out of the rubbish bin, they would be OK.
Cyril, is this true? It should be fine.
I've been eating food out of bins for weeks in Benidorm.
There's nothing wrong with me.
Lesley, ring a doctor.
Mateo, move that pig.
And anyone who's eaten that pork, keep out of the pool.
I'm all right.
I'm all right.
I knew it wasn't a real shark.
We must get you to a doctor.
I think you are in shock.
I said I'm fine.
Where's that dick? I'm gonna knock him out! Let's just go.
Come here, you! Calm down, big fella, it was just a joke.
Just a joke? You know what your problem is, don't you? You've got no sense of humour.
You'll have no sense of smell, when I spread your nose across your face.
Michael, are you OK? Come on, let's go.
I said let's go.
What's wrong with you? Why are we going? She was fit.
Right.
Well, I can't track down Cyril anywhere.
I suppose it's understandable, if he's lying low.
Lying low? He should be strung up from the nearest palm tree for what he's done.
Please, Lesley, let's not get hysterical.
What if it was me who got the smelly pig, and not Squirrel, huh? Would I be OK to lie on the low for a while? No.
I would be carrying the sack.
I couldn't have put it better myself.
I could've done, but I know what you mean.
Look, I agree, Mr Babcock has put us in a very tricky situation.
And, when head office find out my job will be on the line.
Somebody has to take responsibility for this.
But, I'm sorry, that person is not going to be Squirrel - I mean Cyril.
I make no apologies, I'm going to be straight with you.
I don't normally talk about my personal life, but I've let that man walk out of my life twice now, and I'm not going to let it happen a third time.
Maybe we could blame it on Jesus.
What, you mean, like an act of God? No, man, Jesus, the soft lad that works in maintenance.
Khay-zoos.
Bless you.
I will be taking full responsibility for this incident.
I'll make out a full report and E-mail it to head office now.
If they get rid of me, I'll go but at least I won't go alone.
Love letters straight From your heart Keep us so near While apart Cos I'm having a good time, having a good time I'm a shooting star, leaping through the sky like a tiger Defying the laws of gravity Just tell me how much it was.
I'm gonna find out when the statement comes in.
It doesn't matter because I'm going to get the money back anyway.
If you're gonna get the money back, why don't you just? Oh, God, here we go again.
200 degrees, that's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit I'm travelling at the speed of light I wanna make a supersonic man out of you It's a good job you didn't have any of that pork, Mam.
You'd have been crippled, with your funny stomach.
I never go near pork.
Disgusting animals.
You have bacon.
Bacon doesn't count.
You've got to have bacon with your breakfast.
And you like gammon.
Aye, I like a bit of gammon.
And what about pork sausages? Well, yeah.
Apart from bacon, gammon and sausages.
Apart from those, I wouldn't go anywhere near pork.
You've been quiet.
How was the beach? Yeah, it was all right.
Is that it? Well, what do you want me to say? It's just a beach.
All right, misery.
# .
.
oh, explode! I'm burning through the sky, yeah, Oh, Jesus.
They call me Mr Fahrenheit I don't know why he doesn't spend the night in there.
He more or less has.
# .
.
supersonic woman of you Don't stop me, don't stop me, Don't stop me Hey, hey, hey! Don't stop me, don't stop me Well, I would love to know what went on down at that beach.
You've not said a word since you've come back.
You look like your dad, when I backed his Porsche into the pool.
Don't ever, ever say I look like my dad! No, you take after your Mama when it comes to your beautiful face, don't you? Shut up! How has that pork not affected you? I'm fine.
I know.
I was asking how.
You've always had a strong constitution, bubs.
I suppose so, whatever that is.
I feel like I've been flushed out by Dyno-Rod.
Charming! What was that thing you had, when they shoved that hosepipe up your jacksy? All right, some of us are trying to eat.
Colonic hydrotherapy.
Absolutely horrendous.
All right, I give up.
That white sofa in our conservatory's never looked right since.
How was the spa, today? A bit over-priced, to be honest.
Mind you, I didn't have to - Hold that thought.
.
.
through the sky, yeah 200 degrees, that's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit Anyone for pudding? I'm travelling at the speed of light I wanna make a supersonic woman of you Don't stop me, don't stop me Don't stop me Hey, hey, hey! Don't stop me, don't stop me, Ooh, ooh, ooh I like it! Don't stop me, don't stop me Have a good time, good time Don't stop me, don't stop me Whoa, yeah! Amazing.
I feel like a new man.
I told you.
The high after a good training session is like nothing else on earth.
Well, nearly.
I'd go easy on them spuds, though.
Best to avoid carbs, until you lose a bit of weight.
You're joking? My body is a highly-tuned machine.
I need to fuel the furnace.
Ooh! Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just a food stitch.
I'll work through it.
.
.
supersonic man out of you Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time Miss Temple-Savage, you are OK? I'm fine.
You will not lose your job.
We will make sure of this.
It's not that, it Yes? Nothing.
You have not heard from Squirrel? No, Mateo, I have not heard from Squirrel.
He is just, as you say, lying on the low.
He will come back.
I hope so.
I really do hope so.
That's life I see we've not heard anything more from that Dr Kundu.
He knows he's in the wrong.
He's lucky I'm not suing him from arsehole to breakfast time.
I'm just glad we're all together, and that you're in good health.
Good health? I'll outlive the lot of you.
Why do I not doubt that? When I'm back on top Back on top in June? Excuse me, I think I'm wanted.
That's life And, as funny as it may seem Yeah, by who we haven't found out, yet.
Get their kicks Excuse me, Michael.
Elena.
You er, you left your shirt.
Ah, right.
Erm Do you want a drink? Oh, no, I have to go.
My uncle, he is waiting for me, but maybe you'll come by the beach again, tomorrow? Yeah, yeah, that sounds cool.
Cool.
.
.
a pawn and a king I've been up and down And over and out Just don't say anything.
Oh, God.
I feel absolutely wiped out.
Slag.
I beg your pardon.
Have I missed something? And then I'd fly I've been a puppet, a pauper There you go, you deserve these drinks after all your hard work.
Oh, thanks, Lesley, I feel like a new man.
So do I, but where do you find one round here, eh? Ah, dear.
Laying flat on my face I just pick myself up And get back in the race Oh, it's my dad's favourite song, this is.
I never heard it before.
You're joking? It's Frank Sinatra.
Oh, yeah.
It was his favourite.
I remember, my dad had this signed album of his and on it was written, 'May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear, be mine.
' What was that other one he did? Was it Kinky Boots? No, hang on a minute, that was his daughter Nancy.
Kenneth? I can't breathe.
# I'm gonna roll myself up Are you all right? I can't breathe.
# In a big ball What's up, love? What's up? # And die My, my!