Buffy the Vampire Slayer s06e06 Episode Script

- Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": - Anya! What's wrong with you? First you give me this beautiful ring, and then I can't wear it in public.
- Don't you wanna get married? - Yes.
Come on, Tara! I am so old enough to do research.
You do research now? Want a cappuccino and pack of cigarettes to go with it? - Why should I care about any of this? - Because they'll take you away! If I can't make you go to school, then I won't be found fit to be your legal guardian.
Since you've been back, you haven't exactly been big with the whole range-of-human-emotions thing.
I know you'll never love me, but you treat me like a man.
Everything on this table's half off.
Buy one eyeball, get the second one free! Arr! Careful, me mateys! These be fireflies spat from a volcano off the coast of Katmandu.
Arr! You're not a real pirate! Real pirates live on boats and don't look stupid! Ha-ha! Oh, a salty swabby! Maybe you be fishing for the taste of me hook! Hello, Ahab.
A little help, please? Arr, and help ye shall have.
Arr! - So what are you supposed to be? - An angel.
- Oh.
Shouldn't you have wings? - No.
This is a special kind of angel, a Charlie.
We don't have wings.
We just skate around with perfect hair, fighting crime.
- Where's your costume? - Like I'm six years old? Halloween's so lame.
But you get to dress up and play games.
Xander's gonna teach me a new one - Shiver Me Timbers.
Ever play? Dawn, Willow could use some help in Magical Texts.
I'm all over it.
- And you? Ever play Shiver Me Timbers? - Not really much for the timber.
I'm just saying, you might rethink the stereotype before someone turns you into a toad.
And why don't you try removin' that broomstick from your Dawn.
Hey.
Don't stop the invective on account of me.
If I see one more idiot that thinks witches are all hairy moles and rotten teeth Excuse me, do you have any candy corn? Oh, look at you! You are just the cutest thing! - But I thought you said - I know.
But look, with the hat and the wart.
Oh! Let's go fill your tummy up with sugary nibblets, OK? Buffy.
We're running low on mandrake root.
Check the basement.
Don't blame me if we have this conversation over, and over, and over, and over, and over.
Oh! Bell.
Neck.
Look into it.
- Come with a nice leather collar, does it? - What are you doing, lurking down here? Came through the tunnels.
Runnin' low on burba weed.
Stir it in with the blood, makes it all hot and spicy.
What? I was gonna pay for it.
I mean, no, I was gonna nick it, cos that's what I do.
I go where I please and I take what I want.
I thought you'd had it with Customer Disservice.
One-time deal to help out.
And I mean straight time, no loop-de-loop mummy-hand repeat-o-vision.
Where's the mandrake root? Only three to a jar.
Tend to go a bit wonky if you cram them too close.
Thanks.
Feel like a bit of a rough-and-tumble? - What? - Me you.
Patrolling? Hello? Oh.
Uh, I should stay.
Maybe tomorrow.
It's not like I don't already have plans.
Great Pumpkin's on in 20.
So much easier to talk to when he wanted to kill me.
Oh! Go help Giles.
- What happened to Xander? - He kept poking me with his hook.
I sent him to Charmed Objects.
With any luck he'll end up in an alternative dimension inhabited by a 50-foot Giles that squishes annoying TV pirates.
- We've got a ton of bagging to do here.
- Spike had a really good idea.
- Maybe I should patrol.
- You've patrolled every night this week.
Besides, it's Halloween, the one time that supernatural threats give it a well-deserved rest.
As should you.
What about costumes that take over your personality? Or Irish fear-demony thingies? If anything calamitous happens, history suggests it'll happen to one of us.
Right, exactly.
So I should patrol to avoid any of that And I'm bagging.
Da da-da, da da-da da-da, happy Halloween Give you something special this year.
Come again.
In a zillion years.
Store go boom.
Arr! That was the most incredible thing I have ever experienced.
Except for that.
What you all did for me tonight.
- The heaps of money you helped me Us acquire.
All I can say is, I hope we make as much tomorrow.
- Tomorrow? - Oh, post-holiday clearance.
- The cornerstone of retail.
Brooms all round, then.
Or I could whip up a jaunty self-cleaning incantation.
It'll be like Fantasia.
And we all know how splendidly that turned out for Mickey.
I think I'm a little more adept than a cartoon mouse.
And you have more fingers.
Which is good, cos then there's no need to wear those big white gloves to overcompensate.
If you had a real peg leg, you wouldn't just have a lame costume.
- You'd actually be lame, which is different.
- You do this every night? Every time I close out the cash register.
The dance of capitalist superiority.
I'm gonna marry that girl.
What?! She's 15 and my sister, so don't even Oh.
Hey, everybody.
Can l, uh? There's something Anya and l wanna tell you.
Now? Now.
- We're getting married.
- Oh, my God! Congratulations! That that's Wow! It's a big wow.
I thought you were waiting for the right moment.
I did.
Here, have some money! Did you know about this? No.
Not unless I blocked it from my memory.
Much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.
Is that why you clean your glasses? So you don't have to see what we're doing? Tell no one.
Giles, this is We have to do something.
He said he couldn't imagine the rest of his life without me.
Then he gave me this.
- Which I'll be paying for the rest of my life.
- Can I try it? Oh, absolutely not.
Where I come from, this sort of thing requires much in the way of libation.
- God save the Queen! - Sorry we couldn't do the big fancy.
- You caught us with our parties down.
- That's OK.
This is the first premarital celebration.
There'll be lots more.
With gifts.
Maybe we'll even decorate for the next one.
Why wait? Kaz-ah-ree-tah-tay talmine.
This is so much better than the way it usually looks.
Thank you.
The grocery store's still open.
We could've bought decorations.
Why bother? These are perfect.
And extra biodegradable-y.
In a couple of hours, poof! No, they're great.
It's just Why use magic when you can do something naturally? Well, you can fight monsters naturally, with sticks and stones.
Don't recommend it, though.
- It's different.
- How? Becau Because you're protecting people.
Keeping them from being hurt.
Which makes them happy, like pretty decorations made Anya happy.
That's not the point, Will.
- Why are you being like this? - This isn't about me.
This is so about you.
You're always coming down on me for doing magic that couldn't harm a fly.
What's your problem? Willow, I wish that you would stop and think about what you're Sorry.
Just checking on the chips.
It's OK.
We're done.
You're getting married! You! - Me.
Choking.
- Oh, sorry.
I can't believe it.
It seems like only yesterday you had to pay a girl to date you.
Like I'd ever pay.
Define "date".
I was only gone for three months.
How many other things have changed? - I got a tattoo.
- What?! Which is why we told her no.
- Just a little one? - Over my dead body.
The kind that doesn't come back.
Fine.
Congratulations.
You're very lucky.
Finding a guy like him.
Not as lucky as me.
- See you guys tomorrow.
- Oh! Tomorrow? Yeah.
I'm sleeping over at Janice's.
Remember? - That's tonight? - No.
It's on the other Halloween.
Come on, you said I could.
Well, I know I did.
It's just, you know, with Xander's party We're good.
But you have to get us extra gifts for our reception.
Yes, please.
- I don't know.
Giles? - It's really not up to me.
Come on.
It's four blocks away.
I'll walk straight over.
Not like I'm gonna be roaming the streets.
Please? Hello? Hey! - Perve.
- Sorry.
I thought Oh! Hey, Summers.
Did you get over the wall OK? Yeah.
My sister thinks I'm staying at your house.
The Mominator thinks I'm staying at yours.
Can't believe they fell for that one.
Like, own a TV! So where are we meeting? The park.
That's where all the monsters gather on Halloween.
Hoo-hoo! To infinity and - Ow! - Oops.
Nice shot.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey.
- What took you so long? - Had to stop for crimes and misdemeanours.
Zack, this is my friend Dawn I told you about.
Hello.
Hey.
Justin.
I know.
I've seen you around at a couple of parties.
I've seen you, too.
Hey, we'll catch you guys later.
Alone at last.
So, what do you guys wanna do? Yeah! Three points! Whoo! - Witches don't really look like that.
- You got a lot of witch friends? No.
I mean, from stuff that I've read and stuff.
Some are supposed to be really pretty.
Don't get them mad New target.
Come on.
So? He's OK.
"Ho-hum" OK? Or like "Oh, my God, I think I'm gonna pee my pants" OK? Pee.
So what's the verdict, captain? Little Justin in love? I don't know.
- She's cute.
- Congratulations for having eyeballs.
What about, you know, going all the way? Do you think that that the moon and the stars look lovely tonight? Hey, you think after this juvie crap we can do something else? I'm getting kinda bored.
Just one more.
Anya is a wonderful former vengeance demon.
I'm sure you'll spend many years of non-hell-dimensional bliss.
- Is she moving in with you? - Uh With your combined incomes, you might think about a down payment on a house.
- Like the kind you live in? - No rush.
I'm sure you've plenty to think about with the wedding.
You've got the rest of your lives to plan the rest of your life.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No way.
You know who lives there? - Old man Kaltenbach.
- Crusty old bastard.
- Isn't he supposed to be mental? - Total loony tunes.
Pumpkins.
Very dangerous.
- You go first.
- Huh, screw that! Show us how brave you are.
Let's see those cute little girlie guts.
Lay off, man.
- I'll do it.
- Go, Dawn.
Look, you don't have to do this.
It's OK.
I want to.
Shouldn't oughta mess with those.
Sometimes they bite.
- Get away from her.
- Don't make me go kung fu on you, man.
Come on inside, kids.
Got something special for ya.
Daddy's got a treat.
Cool.
No, no, no.
We are so not going in there.
Dawn, tell them.
- Dude, where'd you get the cool toys? - Used to design'em, back in'58.
Nothing would give me more pleasure than to see a child's face light up when he'd open one of mine on a Christmas or a birthday.
I was good.
Jeepers, I was the best.
And then that thing happened.
One little mistake and they took it all away from me.
They They took my toys.
Time for the treats! Who wants to help Daddy in the kitchen? How about you, Sally? Sally's not much for the cooking.
Why don't I give you a hand? Hands are good.
Always use more hands.
More hands.
I say we get the funk out of here before Satan Claus stuffs us up the chimney.
And miss the big treat? That would break the old guy's little heart.
- Assuming it's still beating.
- We should get Justin and go.
Come on, the dude's 1,000 years old.
What's he gonna do? Drown us in his drool cup? Hey.
Where's its head? Boo.
- What the hell was that? Justin? Justin? Let's go.
- What happened? - I swiped his wallet.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Dude, that guy was rank! Bet a spritz of Dawn'll wash that right out.
So what do you think? Lunchables? Or should we go all the way and turn'em? I was thinking maybe a June wedding.
But they always had the highest percentage of calls for vengeance.
So as soon as possible.
Mortal life being so short, we gotta cram in as much marital bliss as we can before we wither and die.
There's just so much to consider.
Planning the wedding, new cars, house and babies.
You have to plan for babies, or they'll just run roughshod over your entire existence.
Yeah.
You gotta know what to call'em before they hit college.
Rupert is an exceptionally strong name.
If we want our progeny to eat paste and have their lunch money stolen.
All that matters is that they're happy.
Everything else is thick gravy goodness.
I know.
I mean, I am the luckiest ex-demon in the world.
To find the one person in all dimensions that I was meant to be with, and have everything work out exactly as I dreamed.
I mean, how often does the universe allow that to happen? Air.
Sweet mother oxygen.
You OK? Yeah.
I just It's just that I didn't think it would be so much.
But this is good.
I mean, this is love and celebration and moving forward.
Anya's right.
This is the way life's supposed to work out.
Right.
Deep pools of ooey delight.
- I'm wallowing, not drowning.
- Definite wallow action.
OK.
So, once more into the breach? Oh, I think my breeches are wearing a little thin.
I'll take Spike up on that offer to patrol.
Gotta be something out there cruisin' for a smack-down.
So, you're what? A sophomore? - I wish.
- Ah! Freshman.
Yep.
Way down there at the bottom of the rung.
Actually, kinda under those rubber feet that keep the ladder steady.
Hey, those are important.
Here.
Spoils of war.
You earned it.
- I did? - Yeah, for keeping me steady.
- And so begins your life of crime.
- Hm.
You're a little late.
- I steal all the time.
- Really? Totally.
I haven't paid for lipstick since forever.
Oh, be still my heart.
Cute and bad.
Yeah.
Bad to the bone.
More like frozen.
Here.
- Thanks.
- My pleasure, Ms Summers.
Hey.
Where's Zack? - He went to get the car.
- You guys got a car? Thanks for the ride.
- I'm losing her pulse.
- Let's get her in! Summers residence.
Oh, Mrs Penshaw.
No, Dawn said she was staying the night at your house.
Yes, I realise that now.
But I don't believe that you called to check No, all right.
Let's just, um OK, if I hear anything, I'll let you know.
Hey! We were just getting our dance on.
It was Janice's mother on the telephone.
Janice said she was staying here.
Ahh.
They're dipping into the classics.
You gotta respect that.
- Is Buffy still outside? - No.
She went to go find Spike to patrol.
It's always nice to be kept in the loop.
Um Xander, Anya, stay here in case Mrs Penshaw calls.
Willow, Tara, check downtown.
I'll swing by Spike's.
See if I can catch Buffy.
Don't do nothin' I would, dude.
You're it.
I love it when they run.
So.
Yeah.
Ooh.
It's cold.
You OK? You want this back? Nah.
Cold doesn't really bother me.
What are you? Superman? No.
But I do have a few special powers.
Hey, um, does this work? You gotta turn the ignition.
I love this one.
Yeah.
Another thing we have in common.
- You're shaking.
- It's cold.
You wanna go? No.
It's just, um What are you expect? Shh.
I just wanna taste you.
Shiver me timbers.
What? Um, nothing.
Just - Wow.
- Oh, my God.
That was your first.
What? No! It was.
That was your first kiss.
I've been kissed before.
I kiss all the time.
Not that I'm a kiss slut.
Just, you know, with the lips and the pressing together and stuff? Hey, expert here.
OK.
OK, it was my first kiss.
I know, I know.
I suck.
My lips are dry, and my tongue's all horrible and sticky.
And I'm pretty sure I drooled on you, so just please tell me how awful it was.
It was perfect.
Do they know they're brother and sister? Do you think she's here? What? Do you think Dawn might have come here? It's where I'd be if I were 15 and on the lam.
Really? Well, not me at 15, cos "Hello, spaz".
- You? - Yeah.
Hard to believe such a hot mama-yama came from humble, geek-infested roots.
Infested roots? Trying to turn me on? I have to try now? Come on, let's look over here.
Do you see her? No, there's too many people.
- Maybe we could ask Security to - No.
That'll take too long.
One among many.
Many fade to one.
- What are you doing? Will! - I'm just gonna clear the crowd.
How? I'll just shift everyone who isn't a 15-year-old girl into an alternate dimension.
What? It'll be for a fraction of a second.
They won't even notice.
Will, no, you can't! - Why? - What if something went wrong? - Well, it won't! - But what would Giles say? - Se-cot! - Are you taking his side now? - This isn't about sides.
You two have been talking about me behind my back.
- No! God! - You know how that makes me feel? You are using too much magic.
What do you want me to do? Just sit back and keep my mouth shut? That'd be a good start.
If I didn't love you so damn much, I would! Ta-cullum.
- Tara! Ow! Sorry.
It's OK.
Long as it's not bleeding.
Justin, could we? It's just God, you are so beautiful.
Get your gear together.
We need to Spike? You know, in civilised cultures, that's called trespassing.
Good thing you're uncivilised.
We got trouble.
- Giles found you? - Giles? No.
Was he looking for me? - Yeah.
It's Dawn.
- Dawn? What happened? It's OK.
Giles was here earlier, looking for you.
Dawn and a little friend pulled a Houdini.
Up to a bit of candy-corn mischief.
Wait.
She's out there, running around by herself? Kids these days, eh? I did a sweep of the tunnels.
Giles is poking about the cemetery.
- We have to find her.
- I don't think she's in there.
Mist.
Cemetery.
Halloween.
Should end well.
Bloody brilliant.
Dawn! - Dawn, are you all right? Janice? - He bit me.
That jerk bit me! Like you weren't askin' for it.
- I feel certain she wasn't.
- What do you know about it, grandpa? Quite a bit, actually.
Dude, that sucks.
Dawn? Where's Dawn? - Get off me! - Dawn, wait! Wait! I thought we could hang out, or something.
- Hang out?! - Yeah.
I mean, you're not like other girls.
You're different.
There's something special about you.
I knew it the first time I saw you.
- I just wanna be close to you.
Shh.
It's OK.
It'll only hurt for a second.
I bet you say that to all the girls.
Giles? Oh! You have a choice, son.
We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard What were my choices again? So, this a private game or can anyone join in? Dawn, are you? Were you parking, with a vamp? I didn't know he was dead! - Living dead.
- Shut up! - How could you not know? - I just met him! So you were parking in the woods with a boy you just met? - We've seen each other at parties.
- Shut up.
I don't believe you.
Oh, like you've never fallen for a vampire? - That was different.
- It always is when it's you.
Excuse me! Can we fight now? Didn't anyone come here to just make out? Ah, that's sweet.
You run.
You scream.
Die, Slayer! Mm-hm.
Your sister's the Slayer? I totally get it! I knew there was something about you.
Giles! What is your malfunction, man?! It's Halloween, you nit.
We take the night off.
Those are the rules.
Me and mine don't follow no stinkin' rules.
We're rebels.
No.
I'm a rebel.
You're an idiot.
Give the lot of us a bad name.
- Trick or treat.
Give me somethin' good to eat.
I thought you really liked me.
I do.
And you like me, too.
I do.
- Sorry about the party.
- Nah, don't worry about it.
It gave me more time to plan the bridal shower.
Where do we order muscular male strippers? Anya! I'm kidding.
Jeez.
I guess I should bugger off.
Somethin' about big bads not venturing far on Halloween.
Good fight.
So, big monster bashing? Sorry we missed it.
As long as Dawn's all right.
- Yeah, that's what's - I think I'm gonna turn in.
Good night.
Tara? Tara.
- How's your face? - Oh, still ruggedly handsome.
Grandpa indeed.
Ow.
She's taking it pretty hard.
It's not surprising.
We can't ignore this behaviour.
Something needs to be done before it spins out of control.
You're right.
I'm glad you're here to take care of it.
Don't be too hard on her.
OK? We need to have a conversation.
Is this the part where you tell me you're not angry? Just disappointed? Pretty much.
Except for the bit about not being angry.
I'm sorry.
OK? - It's not that easy.
- What do you want me to do? Reverse time and take it back? Cos I could probably - Joke.
I don't think I could really - Can we not do this now? - I'm tired.
- OK.
Let's just forget it ever happened.
Forget.
Ooh.
Your feet are cold.
- Better warm me up.
- Mm.
This is how every day should always end.
And start.
And all the stuff in the middle.
So, uh, you're not mad? About what?