Cougar Town s06e06 Episode Script

Good morning.
Hi, babe.
D-aah! What'd you do? Ellie bet me that I couldn't put my makeup on with my eyes closed, and I won.
Did you? I did it, too.
Aah! Why? To make you scared and uncomfortable, Grayson.
- I'm not scared.
- Okay.
Then come kiss me.
No, I'm-- I'm fine over here.
Um, thank you.
Why don't you kiss both of us? Kiss me! Aah! _ - Hey.
Why'd you call us over? - Hey! You know when someone loses their job and is at home for a month, it would be natural for them to go a little crazy, yeah? Yeah, that seems normal.
Do you think that's normal? Oh, no! Zombies! Quick! Back to Fort Butt! Two choices-- heads, divorce, tales, murder.
- Both good ideas - Mm-hmm.
- But divorce is messy money-wise.
- Mm.
But murder is messy because all the blood and the guts.
You're slippin' around.
I don't wanna ruin these new shoes.
So I got an idea.
Why don't you try to talk to him first? Be supportive.
Gotcha.
Boo, great new outfit.
Get a job! Have a job! Space cop.
- I tried.
Time to die.
- Mm.
Or I could talk to him.
You know, he won't know you put me up to it.
Guys, I've had enough.
I need peace, quiet, Ellie time.
But Needy Nancy? He has no job.
And because Bobby's gone, he's never on Bobby's boat.
Well, that's it.
Bobby's boat.
Bobby's boat! Tom! Hey! - How's it going? - Hi! Hey.
One of these days, he's gonna notice me.
Right.
Like you have a chance with Tom.
- Come on.
- Why would you say that? - What the hell was that? - Tom, who were those ladies? Just doctors from the hospital.
Dude, they were into you.
You guys know me as Neighbor Tom-- kooky, nutty, perhaps a tad socially awkward.
But to them, I'm Dr.
Tom-- superstar brain surgeon, millionaire bachelor, you know, cool-under-fire lifesaver with a body that was built for OR scrubs.
You're the Dr.
McDreamy of your hospital.
Why don't you ask out one of those girls? A doctor doesn't date fellow doctors.
As hospital stud, it is practically your duty to bag one of those babes.
McDreamy and McSteamy don't see a hot lady doc, and they're just like, "Huh, how's it going?" They're like, "Ditch the clipboard and meet me in the breakroom for 10ccs of lovin', stat.
" They sound cool.
They are, and you're them! I had no idea.
I'll give it a shot.
Here, Trav, pass me your binaca.
Thanks.
booty, booty, booty, love I'm-a rock that booty, it's my duty What are you doing here? Watching a grown man struggle with his sexual identity.
It's called pampering, and guys can do it, too.
Why are you here? My house has become the secret lair of Captain No-Job.
I needed a sanctuary.
And then it hit me-- Bobby's boat.
My house has way more idiots than yours.
And I needed a sanctuary, and it hit me-- Bobby's boat.
How interesting.
We both want the same thing, and yet only one of us can have it.
I wonder who will triumph.
We're not doing this.
Okay, it was my idea first.
I'm closer with Bobby.
It's my boat.
I'm the captain, and you're leaving.
Why don't you lighten up, fancy pants? I will go.
You are so bitchy when you're upset.
Whoa.
Greetings! Did you call for me? Wow.
You wore that outside, huh? I was actually looking for Andy.
Oh, it's a Andy you want.
Oh, well, let me summon this "Andy.
" Would you please turn around? I need to keep my identity secret.
Ah.
Yes.
Hmm.
Huh.
Oh, hey, Jules! It's me, Andy Torres.
What's up? Ah.
Still rockin' the undies.
Super.
So speaking of jobs We weren't speaking of jobs.
Well, now that we are, when do you think you might get a job? Did Ellie say something? Does she hate having me at home? What? No way, bro.
No, she especially loves the make-believe and the dressing up.
Oh, yeah.
She thinks that's sexy.
Well, does she want to include it in our lovemaking? So jobs-- let's get back to that.
Now just biz pro to biz pro, if you wait too long between jobs, you get stale.
- Really? - Yeah.
Man.
That's terrible.
It has been almost a month.
I guess I should call around, set up some interviews.
Attaboy! You go out there and you take the bull by the horns! Wait.
Aren't the horns the worst place to take a bull? Yes.
They're extremely sharp.
So you go out there and you take the bull by the tail.
Wait.
Won't the bull just then kick me with his back legs? All right, well, you go make the calls, and I'll stay in here and brainstorm about the bull.
Okay.
Oh.
This is amazing.
I can't believe I'm actually on a date with Tom.
What can I say? You're a lucky gal.
- Ooh.
Uh, BRB, babe.
- Okay.
Whoa.
Looks like you didn't waste any time.
Thank you for opening my eyes.
I had no idea I was the coolest guy in town.
Okay, well, I didn't say you were I'm glad you're happy, Tom.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Where's my ladder? Hey there.
You made the "SS Prissy-Pants" seem so good, I thought I would come by when you were gone, pull up the ladder, and try it for myself.
Ellie, I told you, I'm not playing this game with you.
All right, the boat is mine! I'm the captain.
Look at me.
I'm the captain now.
Dang it.
Stupid Ellie.
Hey, guys.
Hi.
I'm out for one last taste of life with no job.
Mmm.
Lemony.
I set up six job interviews.
I'm about to get six big fat job offers.
You think you'll get all six? Of course! I'm a born charmer with a warm smile, buttery tan, and I've nailed every interview I've ever had.
I hate job interview questions.
"What's your biggest weakness?" Someone asked you that? That's-- that's personal.
You get stuff like, "What's your greatest fear?" Why? So you can use it against me? "Describe a time you failed.
" No! Andy, how many interviews have you been on? One 22 years ago, but I nailed it.
The interviewer was my uncle, but still nailed it! Well, things have changed now.
The questions are tough.
You get judged on your posture, your poise, the way you walk into a room.
Are you okay? Fine.
My-- my tie's too tight.
- You're not wearing a tie.
- What's going on? I'm just thinking about losing my house and everything I own, and my starving family living in an old refrigerator box 'cause I can't come up with my greatest weakness! Need air! We're outside! Take some! More! Andy go now! He's gonna need to work on his poise.
I'm hopeless! It's just a matter of time before I'm broke and alone, sitting on a milk crate outside a Mini Mart with a beard covered in scratch-off lottery ticket shavings.
You listen to me.
Scratch-offs are a waste of time.
You gotta go Powerball! I think you missed the bigger picture concern in that story.
Andy, you're gonna be fine.
You just need a little advice from a good friend who is also a savvy local business owner.
I don't wanna burden Laurie.
Which is why I'm asking you! Mom's actually a great coach.
In third grade, I didn't have any friends.
And after a few tips from her, I was eating lunch at the table instead of under it.
That's real results.
Let's do this! Whoo-hoo! Let's roast this town like a pig on a spit! Roll tide! What? When I get real fired up, I go Southern.
Oh, come on! Your car's at home.
I left it there to fool you.
Were you coming to take my boat? It's my boat.
And fortunately, you forgot to pull the ladder up.
- No, I didn't.
- Ellie, no.
No, no, no, no-- Ah! I got your broom.
- It's yours.
- Aah! Uhh! I told you.
I'm the captain now! Fine.
That's it.
The boat's yours.
I'm not playing your game! - Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not! Yes, you are! No I'm not! That does it.
Hey, pal.
This is getting a little Roadrunner vs.
Wile E Coyote.
You will not beat me! Yes, I will.
I got nowhere else to go! Would you grab us a table? And I'll score some drinks.
You got it, Tom.
Big Trav! Laurie K! What up? Are you on a date with another doctor? I was having trouble choosing between them, so I didn't.
So you're just gonna date them both? Bingo! Dr.
Tom making his rounds.
Yeah! Sorry.
Reflex.
What happens when these girls find out you're dating both of them? I don't know.
Sexy doctor catfight? S-sorry Tom.
I'm gonna have to pass on that one.
I will see you on the flip.
Ugh.
Are you believing this? I know! Tom's awesome! I mean, awful.
I said awesome, but I meant he's awful.
A great interview starts with a great entrance.
So walk in and stay cool no matter what's thrown at you.
Hello! I'm Andy Torres.
Ah! Why are you guys throwing fruit at me?! Poise, damn it! Poise! Hello, I'm Andy Torres.
Ugh! Mnh.
Oh, yeah.
people nowadays don't think 'bout their ways don't think before they do, don't think before they say - haphazard with the language - 'Sup? That cool guy kinda looked like Tom.
I'm Andy Torres.
I'm glad to meet you.
I appreciate the opportunity to meet with this fine company.
That's perfect! You are now ready to meet Mrs.
Worthington.
Wow! Mrs.
Worthington.
Who's that? Don't be late or else.
Or else what? I don't know.
I just thought it would sound good.
Aah! Oh, come on.
Dude! Seriously? Oh, so now what? I don't know you're dating three doctors? Of course not.
Hey, Tom, are you a slightly different hue? It's called bronzer.
You should look into it, Paste Face.
- What's that? - Huh? Ohh.
Pow! He's smooth.
I'll give him that.
No, he is not! What are you talking about? This is insane.
I honestly don't even know if it could get weirder.
Tom? Dr.
L! Dr.
K! What are you doing with her? Wait.
Why do you care? Tom's with me.
E-easy, girls.
There's plenty of Tom to go around.
We can just, uh, work together.
Oh, hell, no! Uh, okay.
- Easy.
- Um, he is with me, okay? Why are they taking their jewelry off? 'Cause that's the last stop before a catfight.
Come on, they're not gonna.
No, he's mine! They are.
Fascinating.
- Ha ha ha ha ha! - Aah! You secured the perimeter, but you forgot the hole in the hull.
Damn! Bobby's toilet! That's not Bobby's toilet.
Whatever you need to tell yourself.
Well, I'm the captain now! And you better get off my boat or or the glasses get it! Easy.
Those are my Jackie O's.
Put them down.
Or I start snapping strings.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I-I need that for ballads.
Ping! Uhh! Knife took out a trailer tire! It's okay.
We'll just dip a few inches.
It shouldn't compromise the structural integrity of the boat.
The boat has no integrity! Hello? I'm-- I'm here to see Mrs.
Worthington.
I'm Mrs.
Worthington.
Jules? Let's begin your interview.
Have a seat, Andy.
Interview simulation.
I get it.
Why should I hire you? I'm an intelligent, goal-oriented team player who delivers bottom line results and great watercooler chitchat.
I can hire somebody half your age for half the salary.
Short-term gain, while my experience pays off more in the long run.
Your greatest skill? A mix of charm and smarts I call "charts.
" - Greatest weakness.
- Work too hard, care too much.
I want to rip off your suit and get freaky on the floor.
I respect you, but let's remain professional.
Well I'm impressed.
You seem ready for the long hours and the late nights to make Worthington Inc.
the best What does this company do? We never decided.
That's a crappy business model.
Andy, are you okay? Doing great.
Ahh.
Except that the room's on fire, and the ground is shaking and the walls are closing in and they're gonna crush my bones! "You cannot stop my evil plan awesome man.
" "I know.
I am a tremendous coward.
" "Mwah-ha-ha-ha!" "That hurt my feelings.
" Andy? Andy, are you in the fort? - No.
- Sounds like you are.
There's a, uh, problem with the acoustics in this, uh, house.
You know, someone should really take a look at that.
I lied.
I really am in the fort.
Thanks for coming clean.
Andy, I'm worried about you.
I don't know why you freaked out.
You were doing so great and Dude, is that an easy bake oven? Yeah.
I found it in the attic.
My super tasty mini cakes will be ready soon.
Yeah, you walked into the office with confidence and poised, and-- oh, my God.
What's taking so long? I want a mini cake.
That was unexpected.
Yeah.
This vessel was not terribly stable.
No.
Kind of amazing it held up as long as it did.
Yeah.
What's your problem? I don't have a problem.
I just witnessed the total destruction of your lame hideout.
I'm pleased.
There are a thousand places you could've gone in town to be alone.
Why'd you have to take mine? Do not hit me in the back of the head with a w-- The first you freaked out, you were afraid that you couldn't find a job.
That one makes sense.
But then in the office, you were doing so good.
And then out of nowhere, you crashed, burned, and went total ape-shizzle.
I felt good, right up until the crash, burn, ape-shizzle.
I don't know why.
You-- you were telling me I was doing great, and I was-- I was ready to put in the long hours and the late nights.
The long hours and the late nights away from home, and all this of this and Stan.
Andy, I think I know what to do.
Extend the walls of Fort Butt to your house? I know the way we can do it.
We'll look into that.
Come with me.
He is out there somewhere.
Dr.
D-Bag.
You know, I created this monster, and now I have to destroy him.
Always good to have a project.
- Hey, that's mine.
- It was.
I need a victory sip.
I just destroyed Grayson's lame sanctuary and Bobby's boat in one shot.
Mnh.
Doesn't taste as sweet as usual.
Something's off.
Maybe you've finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people.
No, but that's funny.
So I said, you know It ends now.
How do? What? Nice! Sweet! Hello, beautiful.
Hi there, little lady.
Uhh! Easy, babe.
You are acting like a real jackass, Tom! - This isn't you! - Yes, it is.
I'm Dr.
Stud.
No! No, you're not! You're Neighbor Tom, and Neighbor Tom is super weird but he's also really sweet.
And he's fun! And that's why everyone in our gang really loves him.
The gang is not going to love this new Tom.
So you have to decide.
Do you wanna be a skeevy jackass out there, playing the field? Or do you wanna be the sweet guy that has a great group of friends that really care about him? Hi! That's my 6:00.
I gotta jet.
That is not how I thought this would end.
What do you want? Grayson, I'm sorry for hijacking the "SS Prissy-Pants.
" At first, I loved crushing your spirit.
I didn't care about the stupid sanctuary.
I just loved fighting with you.
Is this your psychotic way of saying that you love battling me because you enjoy doing stuff with me, and that's why we're friends? Wasn't really going there.
What I love is the thrill of savagely duking it out with a worthy adversary.
I just don't have much of that these days.
I guess I'm bored.
I need a new challenge in my life.
I fixed your string.
tells me nothing Tell me what happens when I play this thing? Does it explode? Ellie, seriously.
Jules, I can't handle another interview.
I'm tearing through all my good shirts.
It's not an interview.
It's just a sales pitch.
Come on, you're gonna be great.
Go.
lost the way I'm motivated, passionate, and I can do this job as well as anyone in the world.
Ellie I wanna be a stay-at-home dad.
through the ruins Of course, this means you would have to go back to work.
trying to save it Let's do it.
for a fallout She said "Yes"! We did it! Uh, right.
I know.
This is about you guys.
I'm just really enjoying this moment.
We did it! Yay! Well, I'm awesome! Me! Mmm! You, too! Janice.
Big Tom.
Doc T.
Giving you a call, RE, "That booty.
" Uh, Dierdre, I got a jacuzzi and a bottle of peach schnapps with your name on it.
The bronzer-- it, uh, comes in a 16-ounce or does it also come in a 64? Jules.
Tom, we were just all sitting in my kitchen, and I wanted to invite you to come by.
I haven't seen you in so long.
I've missed you.
Thank you for doing this.
Of course.
What'd I do? Come on.