Gossip Girl s06e06 Episode Script
Where the Vile Things Are
so I would cheat on her, and I can't marry someone who always has another sex tape or surprise scheme up their sleeve.
You wanna grab a burger? So Bart was using the horses to hide the money he was buying illegal oil with? He did it so he could avoid federal prison.
Lola returned it to me.
That's Carol's portion of Cece's estate.
I never thought I'd be grateful to Cece Rhodes.
Miss Eleanor call.
She saw photos of cotillion.
She say she come home to fix decorum disaster.
And who am I? That's a secret I'll never tell.
You know you love me.
X.
O.
X.
O.
, Gossip Girl.
They say the early bird gets the worm.
Inspiring motivation if you're the bird.
The worm, however, has no idea when her future will be plucked away by the next airborne attacker.
My mother's plane landed 45 minutes ago.
Look, alive, people! She was so furious that my cotillion dress was associated with Serena's sickening sex tape.
Everything must be perfect.
And "perfect" does not include tabloid contraband.
Hand it over.
Get this out of my sight.
My mother cannot see that revenge smut.
On second thought, you go with it.
How dare Humphrey write that I am conniving, manipulative, and stuck in high school? I am not all scheme and no substance.
Hell have no fury like a lonely boy scorned.
Well, he doesn't matter.
When my mother sees the dress orders, she will be so busy singing my praises that she won't have time to pay attention to Pay attention to what, Blair? What don't you want me paying attention to? Mother! Welcome home! What is this, "Downton Abbey"? Everyone, back to work! Dorota, when did you become a seamstress? Get my bags, take them back to the house and start keeping it.
This is not fooling anyone.
You.
Office.
Now.
I know you're upset, mother, but my cotillion dress has already been ordered by the three B's Barneys, Bergdorf's, and the lesser but still relevant Bloomingdale's.
I achieved your goal.
At the cost of my company's reputation.
A few sales do not make up for a runway strip show and sex tapes, and bandage dresses without the the bandages.
Well, I admit a shift in marketing strategy may be called for.
No, the the issue goes deeper than that, Blair.
It's you.
You and your your split personality.
Well, you must be referring to my ability to multitask.
I am referring to your dark and scheming and, frankly, sexually inappropriate side.
I like to think of myself as open-minded? For as long as I can remember, you have struggled between your two natures.
I know that you are a beautiful, intelligent, ambitious young businesswoman.
But if you want to continue to run my multimillion-dollar corporation, the deviant half has to go.
For good! I understand.
There won't be an issue.
My Grace Kelly can defeat my Grace Jones, no problem.
Uh-huh.
Well, honestly, I've I've slept so much better since you found out that Lola returned the money from Cece's estate to me.
I'm really sorry I kept that a secret from you.
I'm just glad everything's out in the open and you had the money to save the gallery in time for tonight's opening.
I'm so excited it's finally happening.
Are there any last-minute details you want me to take care of? Well, we need to give the caterer a final head count.
Do you remember how many R.
S.
V.
Ps we had? I never checked, but I'm sure everyone's coming.
Uh What's wrong? Well, this can't be right.
They're all regrets.
What happened to your art world connections? No "Art Forum" editor.
No major collectors.
Hey, even Bex said "no.
" What the hell happened? You surfing the Empire CCTV again? What, is Olivia Munn staying here? Wrong place.
This is the security footage from the Van Der Woodsen building.
How'd you get your hands on that? Well, Vanya can't be bribed, but the night doorman was remarkably open to a cash payment.
So what are you looking for? When Ivy was in the apartment, she said Bart walked in with an envelope he held on to rather tightly.
I was hoping to see a return address or some distinguishing marks.
Did you find anything? Indeed.
The envelope had the seal of the first international bank of Sudan.
The financial records from his illegal oil trade? I assume so, but Bart closed all the accounts that morning.
And he's not about to show you what's in the envelope or tell you where it is.
He won't, but someone else might.
Bruce Caplan dropped the envelope off to Bart that morning.
The Bass business manager? He won't spill any of Bart's secrets to you.
He won't, but if the head of "The Spectator" were to ask for business management advice He might accidentally let something slip.
Especially if it's the kind of meeting that loosens lips.
Okay.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Well, I figured out why no one's coming to our opening.
Turns out there's a huge benefit tonight at the Conrad for the art production fund.
Guess who's hosting.
Lily.
She must've figured out when you were planning on opening your gallery, scheduled her own benefit to sabotage you.
Well, it's not just me she's sabotaging.
It's my artists, too.
This group show was a big deal to them.
How am I gonna explain that no one's coming because of my vindictive ex-wife? Well, everyone would still come if her event was canceled.
Oh, she's not gonna cancel a huge benefit for me.
She won't even take my call.
I'm not calling her.
I'm calling the art production fund.
I feel like donating some money.
Good morning, Daniel.
Good morning.
Thank you for letting me stay in Eric's room.
Can I make you and Bart a cup? Oh, no.
I'm good, thanks.
And Bart is out of town.
I'm on my way to Via Quadronno to meet the girls before my benefit meeting.
How's that going, by the way? I forgot how much I enjoy throwing a party without having my husband standing over my shoulder, judging me.
I mean Rufus, of course, not Bart.
Forgive me, Daniel.
You can never offend me with the truth.
Nonfat cappuccino, extra foam, no sugar.
You remembered.
Yeah, well, it's been a while, almost as long as since we woke up in the same apartment together.
Unless you count the Waldorfs'.
Remember? I certainly forgot this was coming out today.
Yeah.
We've both burned a lot of bridges this year.
But at least we have each other.
And I couldn't be more grateful for you letting me camp out, but I I don't want to overstay my welcome.
I finally got my first paycheck for "Vanity Fair," so I think it's time for me to find my own place and let you get back to your life.
Yeah.
I mean, we can't hide out here forever.
But, hey, if you if you need to find a new place, I I know someone who knows everyone, who has terrific instincts for real estate, and who happens to have an afternoon free to look at apartments with you.
Who? Oh.
Right.
Yeah, that's you.
Okay.
So do you have any idea what neighborhood you want? I can't get far enough away from my dad right now, so Brooklyn's out.
So Upper East Side? I was I was thinking lower.
What's funny about that? Oh, I know you like the idea of saying you live in an L.
E.
S.
walk-up, but we both know you well enough to know you secretly long for a condo in the West Village.
Fine.
A doorman would be nice, but I'll just lie about how much rent I pay.
Okay, let's take a cab to West Fourth then.
No, we got a ride.
You bought a Vespa? That's right.
I forgot how much you like Vespas.
But I got so used to driving one around Italy this summer that I decided I couldn't live without.
Here.
Hop on.
Serena! Serena! Hey, I loved that sex tape! Serena, Serena, over here! No.
Turn around and give me a smile, Serena.
When's the sequel? Talk to us.
Spotted S.
and D.
getting cozy again.
Even I have to admit they sure look cute on that scooter.
Oh, my gosh.
That was amazing! You were you were like Jason Bourne, riding up on the sidewalk.
You know, that sex tape I knew it went viral, but I didn't expect that.
Well, given the media circus, maybe today's not the day to be searching for apartments.
Nobody wants a tenant trailed by TMZ.
That's great.
All right, we should probably get off the streets.
Yeah.
I could use a drink.
You know what? I know a place where no one will think to look for us.
Perfect.
Thank you.
So, Bruce, is there anything else I can get you? Wow.
Crystal and Cristal is my favorite combination.
But maybe we'd better get to that urgent business matter you mentioned.
Well, there are certain things about "The Spectator" finances I would like to remain confidential.
I wonder if you could advise me on the safest way to keep those hidden.
Storing confidential information is a specialty of mine.
But I like to work on a client-by-client basis.
Could you give me some examples? I'm sorry.
Uh, my clients depend on my discretion.
Besides, I don't want to talk about that now.
Send me your books.
I'll make a recommendation.
In the meantime, I would like to take the rest of this meeting elsewhere.
Don't forget your jacket.
Oh.
Thanks.
Why did you let him leave without getting the information? He wasn't gonna give it to me, so I figured I'd just take it.
I will admit you have taken steps.
Like the the peonies were an elegant addition to the handwritten apologies you sent to each of the board members of the cotillion.
And poppy did seem touched by my donation to her charity for children who can't smile.
Sound like Miss Blair show great grace and dignity.
Yes, that's right, Dorota.
My mother has shown me the errors of my way.
So now you can return to Paris, reassured that your company's on the straight and narrow.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
I said steps, as in the first of many on the road to recovery.
Well, I have already admitted that I am powerless over my scheming, and that my life has become unmanageable.
What else is there? Amends to the fashion community which informs the masses.
Hello, Blair.
I had Dorota prepare a light lunch.
I'll let you girls chat.
How could someone who hides everything for everyone else pick his birthday for his password? I underestimated you, Nathaniel.
Well, you're not the first person to say that, but there's nothing under the international bank of Sudan.
Then pull up my father.
Bruce said he had different methods for hiding information for different clients.
Maybe there's a record of it.
There's nothing here but addresses and phone numbers.
Then look at the calendar the morning he dropped off the envelope.
Maybe there's a clue to where he went.
Wait.
There's an entry here from the morning.
It says "Bass traffic.
" I'm sorry.
We're not open to the public just yet.
Oh, we have an appointment.
Rufus Humphrey.
Hi.
This is Ivy Dickens.
Benedict Tate.
I'm doing P.
R.
for tonight's event.
So please, how can I be of assistance? We would like to purchase all of the artwork.
I appreciate your enthusiasm, but tonight's silent auction is expected to raise hundreds of thousands of dollars.
How many hundreds? You know, 8 has always been a lucky number for me.
So now you can, uh, cancel your expensive party and send everyone home.
I'm I'm sorry.
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
I am happy to deliver all the artwork to you after the event, but it's too late an hour to cancel.
And, well we need something on the walls.
Then I have an idea that may help you raise even more money.
When we came here on our first date, you didn't know how to hold the cue.
Did you spend the last five years taking billiard lessons? I could always play.
You hustled me.
Well, no.
I I just wanted to make you feel better after your epic French ordering failure.
Or maybe you were looking for an excuse for me to put my arms around you.
A girl never reveals her secrets.
Unless you're Gossip Girl.
Spotted two old flames slumming it on memory lane.
Who doesn't love a sequel? Did she give our exact location? Yeah, which means our mob of new friends are probably already camped outside.
We're just fueling their fire by being together.
Why don't I go out front with the Vespa? I'll distract 'em, and you just sneak out back and grab a taxi.
Well, we don't have to go right now.
I'm just about to win.
Please.
Let's let's not make my humiliation official.
And the sooner we get out of here, the better.
This was nice, though.
I'll miss it.
Mm.
Traffic.
Traffic jam.
Traffic light.
Maybe they had a meeting in a car.
Or it's Bart's oil trafficking or something else he's illegally selling.
Like a nuclear bomb in a briefcase.
You watch too many movies.
So does Bruce.
Wait.
That's it.
The movie "Traffic" is right here.
I remember in that film, the head of the drug cartel stored his illegal account information in the back of a painting.
What, you think that's where Bart hid whatever was in the envelope? Well, there's a lot of paintings in the Van Der Woodsen apartment.
I'm just, unfortunately, still banned from the building.
I guess I'll have to pay them a visit.
So I called and I called and I called and I called, and then I just never heard from him again.
Is that the end of the story? Mm-hmm.
Wow.
You really are so entertaining.
So when my mother returns, tell her that I apologized and that we're best friends.
I'm sorry, Blair.
This was fun, but I won't do that because it's not the truth.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
I have been cordial to you for the last 52 minutes.
Do you have any idea the psychological torture that I have endured being nice to you? I should have just skipped ahead to this from the start.
It that me as Mrs.
Mingott in a fat suit? That was embarrassing.
Agreed, which is why you don't want this bouncing around the blogosphere.
No one wants to take fashion advice from her.
Mother! Ladies, how are we getting along? Famously.
Blair just tried to blackmail me.
I'm sorry, Eleanor.
I tried.
This is all Nelly's fault.
She was clearly lying because she's always been jealous of me.
The only thing clear is that Daniel Humphrey was right about you.
You read that dreck? On the plane.
And his his central thesis is correct.
You are running my business like you're still the meanest girl in high school.
I am trying.
Relapse is part of recovery.
Please, just give me one more chance.
I'm sorry, Blair.
It's over.
I can't.
I have no other choice but to demote you and take back the presidency of Waldorf Designs, effective immediately.
Watch out, B.
They say you're only as good as the company you keep, and right now you're not keeping any.
What's going on? Why are you taking down the paintings for my event? I think you mean our event.
Since everyone in the art world is coming here tonight instead of my gallery opening, I decided to have my opening here.
That's outrageous.
I'm gonna talk to Benedict and have him reinstall my art immediately.
Well, that would be difficult since we own it all now.
Lily, welcome.
I see you've met our new event co-sponsors.
I have, and I'm not thrilled that my carefully curated pieces are being replaced without even so much as a phone call.
Oh.
Well, I'm sorry.
I never imagined that you'd object to raising more money for such a worthwhile cause.
Lily, Rufus and Ivy have helped A.
P.
F.
Break fund-raising records.
Certainly, sharing your hosting duties is a a small price to pay.
Of course, which is why you've inspired me to make my own additional donation, which I am sure will break their record.
Hold it right there, Humph-freak! Do you have any idea what a mess your article has made? No, but I'm guessing you're gonna tell me even if I keep walking.
My mother demoted me, thanks to your disparaging drivel.
Right, and I'm sure it had nothing to do with your work-related behavior.
Fix this, or when I'm done with you, you won't even have Georgina Sparks' couch in Brooklyn.
I will fly Vanessa back from whatever third-world country she's in if I have to.
Do you hear yourself? You're trying to bully me into retracting an article about you being a bully.
No.
I'm proving to my mother that I am the mature, polite, professional woman who should be running Waldorf Designs.
Blair, you tracked me down with your "Spotted" map and threatened me with the return of Vanessa.
You are not mature, polite, or professional, and even your own mother knows it.
Nelly? Do you think you could meet me at Lily's benefit tonight? There's something I think you would want to hear.
And you're sure there's nothing? There's nothing in any of this art.
It could be subtle.
Tape on the backing or rip in the seam.
No, there's nothing.
And the back of artwork is really boring.
Hold on one second.
Someone's coming.
Nate? What are you doing here? I am just writing a story on Lily's artwork for "The Spectator.
" Oh, for the A.
P.
F.
benefit tonight? Yeah.
Exactly.
What are you up to? Uh, just rereading an old short story.
Hey, is everybody a writer these days? It no, it's Dan's.
Wow.
Aren't you getting enough of him in "Vanity Fair"? It's the one from "The New Yorker.
" You know, the story about the first time he saw me at that party.
Do not tell me in some twisted turn of events that that sex tape made you miss him.
No, it's just we spent some time together, and I don't know.
It it brought up some old memories.
Serena, you're really vulnerable right now after Steven broke up with you.
It's too soon to have real feelings for Dan.
But what if those feelings never really went away? That high school kid you fell in love with that's not who he is anymore, okay? He almost cost me "The Spectator" to sell his serial.
And he exploited all of us in those chapters.
I know.
You're right.
I mean, he has become a selfish egomaniac who will Serena destroy his friends for for money and attention, for fame and Ahem.
I know how much you like chocolate-covered strawberries.
Dan, wait.
Hey, listen, I better get going.
Wait.
What about the auction Serena mentioned? Look around.
Is there anything missing? That painting of the rainbow woman is gone.
Oh.
My Richard Phillips has arrived.
Lily, are you sure? You know, it's one of my favorite pieces in my collection, but it is for a good cause.
And I've already sent Bart an e-mail, and I know he will agree.
This is incredibly generous.
In fact, we're gonna have a live auction just for this special piece.
I know she will be the star of the show.
This work of art appears to be a work of Bart.
Let the bidding begin.
This is Spencer Sweeney, Patrick McMullan, and Fab Five Freddy.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Art Production Fund benefit.
First, I'd like to say a special thanks to Rufus Humphrey and Ivy Dickens for their tremendous contribution tonight.
Careful, Lily.
You paid a lot of money to fill those worry lines.
Listen, you vile little interloper, you and Rufus may have rubbed your last two nickels together to replace my art, but the only people that you're making fools of are yourselves.
But tonight, folks, the centerpiece of this event will be a special live auction of Richard Phillips' "Spectrum" courtesy of Lilian Bass' personal collection.
Bidding will begin shortly.
As I was saying, you can pretend to be Lola, you can pretend to be Serena, but you will never be me.
I don't want to be you.
I want to be better.
Rufus already thinks I am.
I always liked that painting.
I'm glad to see you two found each other.
Blair.
Nelly was just telling me you invited her here to meet with her.
I hope it is to make an official apology.
That I'd love to hear.
I'm not here to apologize to Nelly, mother.
I'm here to apologize to you.
Then what am I doing here? Shutting up and writing about it so you can publicly restore Waldorf designs' pristine reputation.
Blair, what is this about? Undoing all the damage my dark side has done.
I'm a bad seed, mother, so send me away to the village of the damned.
No one expects miracles, darling.
It's been part of you for 20-something years.
It's not going to go away overnight.
Just maybe sometime before I die.
Y you don't understand.
The real Grace Kelly had talent.
You have talent.
Even that goth princess Jenny Humphrey had talent.
But I don't.
It's all just pretense.
Well, your record of achievements prove otherwise.
Everything I have was from scheming and lying and working the angles.
I don't have what it takes.
You are Mozart.
I'm Salieri.
No matter how hard I work, I will never be you, and I think it was just my dark side trying to hide that.
So effective immediately, I resign from Waldorf Designs.
Did you reach anyone from A.
P.
F.
? I finally got a hold of an assistant, but she said they're only taking bids in person.
How far away are you? At least ten blocks.
Is there no way around this, like on the sidewalk? I like that your artists reflect the same socially relevant projects we commission at art production fund.
And I like that you can see the street art influence.
I'm not talking about the '80s but the '40s Dubuffet, Pollack, Ray Johnson.
Yeah, when artists were the stars of New York instead of celebutantes.
Yes.
Excuse me.
Can I speak to you for a moment? What can I do for you, Lily? Are you interested in one of my Pfahler pieces to replace your Phillips? No, thank you, and I think you've made your point here, Rufus.
This is a benefit to raise money for a good cause, and I won't have your little freeloader making a mockery of it by bidding on things she can't afford.
Ivy can afford any painting she wants.
And with what money? I know it's not yours.
You're right.
It's Cece's.
Ladies and gentlemen, if we are ready to begin, I would like to start the bidding for the Richard Phillips at $500,000.
$500,000.
I have $500,000.
Lola gave it back to her when she found out your mother wanted Ivy to have it.
$500,000.
Going once? $500,000.
Do I have $520,000? $520,000.
She may have been able to con Lola out of half my mother's estate, but she'll never get anything of mine.
Do I have $540,000? Going once? $540,000.
$560,000.
$560,000.
Do I have $570,000? $570,000.
$570,000.
$570,000.
Do I have $580,000? $580,000.
$580,000.
Do I have $600,000? $750,000.
$750,000.
I know it sounded bad, but you heard it out of context.
In what context can "selfish egomaniac" be positive? I was telling Nate what a good time I had with you, but th Yeah, I heard the "but" part.
But that it's confusing for me because I have spent the past few months hating you.
I told you I loved you, and then you rejected me for my best friend.
You've rejected me for nearly everyone on the Upper East Side.
Can you blame me for having doubts? You had more than doubts.
You told me you never wanted to see me again.
You mean, after you used me to make a sex tape to destroy me and your best friend? I'm not the bad guy here.
You want everyone to believe you're poor, sweet Dan Humphrey from Brooklyn, but you sent that video of Chuck and Blair into "Gossip Girl" to try to ruin her wedding, and then you pinned it on me.
Yeah, I didn't want Blair to marry the wrong man.
And it's not like you've never used "Gossip Girl" to further your own agenda.
Oh, wait.
Oh, wait.
You were Gossip Girl for a second.
Only to restore balance after Georgina's reign of terror who who is now partnering with you to attack and humiliate everyone that we care about in your exposes? Which leads us back to your reason for calling me a selfish egomaniac.
You're right.
Now I now I understand.
Good.
I'm glad.
I was being sarcastic, Serena.
So was I.
No, you weren't.
Yes, I was.
Look look, ob obviously, too much has happened over the past five years.
No matter who we are today, we can't undo the things we've done in the past, so it's probably best we just move on without each other.
Which I will do the second we get out of this elevator.
$880,000.
I have $880,000.
Do I hear $900,000? $900,000.
$900,000.
What do you think you're doing? $920,000.
I'd ask you the same thing.
Bidding on an item you put up for auction? I changed my mind when this gypsy trash wanted it.
She will not have anything near and dear to my heart.
$940,000 once? $940,000.
$960,000.
I assure you I won't let her win if you stop bidding.
And why should I trust you? I know you teamed up with this charlatan to cause problems with your father and me.
This painting means more to me than anything.
$980,000.
What do you think you're doing? We're supposed to be on the same side.
So you are still aligned with her? I'm on nobody's side but my own.
$1 million, ladies and gentlemen.
$1.
1 million.
Do I hear 1.
2? Going once.
Going twice.
Sold for $1.
1 million to the man in front.
Congratulations.
Revenge is sweet, especially when you have a sugar mama.
Unfortunately, not all families appreciate just desserts.
I just wanted to congratulate you and apologize.
I admit that I was out of line with some of the things that I said earlier.
And you obviously want something now.
Well, I know how important it was for you to prove that you could best me publicly.
And now that you've achieved what you wanted, I would love to buy my painting back.
Well, if you wanted it so much, why'd you put it up for auction? I had no idea how much it meant to me till it was gone.
And let's face it, Rufus.
Do you really want that hanging in your loft, reminding you of me? I don't.
We'll give it to a museum one far away from Manhattan where you won't even be able to visit.
Surely there's a price that will change your mind.
No.
You can't buy us off the way you do everyone else.
We don't want your money.
What is it you want then? To make you feel the way you've made us feel humiliated and powerless and like you're worth nothing.
So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make sure they're packing up our painting.
I'll see you later.
And you remain a kept man.
I never thought I would say this, Lil, but I think Ivy's right.
You brought this on yourself.
Maybe you should try Vanya again.
It's been, like, 47 seconds since I called.
And unlike last time we were stuck here, I remembered to use your name.
Oh, if we're recreating that, you should probably try to crawl out of the ceiling any moment.
I admit that was not one of my better ideas.
Why why were you so mad about it, then? Because I didn't want you to get hurt.
I'm sure you want me to hit the floor right now.
Throw me down the elevator shaft.
Or, hell, you know, you could just trick me into making another sex tape.
It's the people you know best that you can hurt the most.
I'm sorry I didn't say anything when you told me you loved me.
It it was easier to focus on my anger at Blair than face the possibility of getting what I always wanted and and and losing it again.
What you always wanted? You know, I had a really great time with you today.
I had to believe that you were terrible in order to protect myself.
Well, you know, I could actually be terrible if you prefer.
No.
No, thank you.
I'm good.
I I much prefer you this way.
Yeah, the feeling's mutual.
I will try Vanya again.
Well I guess that's my cue.
Or you could come up and have some chocolate-covered strawberries before you face the paparazzi.
Yeah.
That sounds nice.
If you've come for a follow-up interview, I have no comment.
Actually, I came to say thanks for the exclusive and maybe to gloat a little.
How did you know where to find me? The met steps? Where else would you go to make yourself feel better? My mother always said you'd peaked in high school.
You mean when no one else spoke to you besides your mother? You can make fun of how unpopular I used to be, but the person no one cares about anymore is you.
Then why are you still sitting below me on the steps? Habit.
Like a headband.
Just a remnant from when you were a tastemaker.
And all every girl at constance wanted was to be just like me.
Lucky for all of us, like the eco-clothing trend, those days are gone.
You obviously don't shop in Brooklyn.
But thank you, Nelly.
Your misinformation has been invaluable.
Where are you going? You won't look good in hemp.
But you will, while you eat crow.
I just hope it's not too late.
Thank you so much for letting us use your painting in the auction.
Um, Todd Diciurcio, this is Chuck Bass.
It's a beautiful painting.
Excuse us.
Great work tonight.
No thanks to you.
I thought we were on the same team.
We are, which is why you should sell me that painting.
Lily already tried that.
I hope you turned her down.
That piece is a critical component of my campaign against Bart.
As you know, if I topple him, Lily won't be far behind.
What's a queen without her king? I'll sell you the painting for double what I paid.
That's a price I'm willing to pay.
All right, I'll have it delivered.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Spotted Ivy moonlighting as a gallerina.
Better hope this masterpiece isn't a forgery.
Is it weird to say I'm I'm glad we got in that fight? No, no.
No, not at all.
I am, too.
That storage unit I kept packed full of old resentments was getting pretty full.
You know, I I feel like I did when I first came back to the city from boarding school, when all I wanted was a fresh start.
Well, you have one now, at least with me.
I, uh, should probably take off.
It's getting pretty late.
Oh, did you ever find a place? Technically, no.
But, I mean, I got that check now, so Mm.
I can afford a hotel room.
I don't want to impose too much.
No, you're you're not imposing at all.
Are you sure? I mean, just this morning, you were saying you thought it might ruin our friendship.
Well, I think if we could get through the last five years, then we could get through a few more nights.
So y you can stay.
Or you don't have to.
You can go, too.
Or you can stay.
Whatever you want.
That's what I want.
I made a mistake.
Many.
Who hasn't? You'll have to be more specific, dear.
When I quit earlier.
I thought that I was using my dark side to hide the fact that I have no talent.
I wasn't the one who said you didn't have talent, Blair.
No, but you told me to squash my dark side, which is my talent.
It's my inspiration.
You can't blackmail your way through business.
Well, I agree, but I'm not talking about my management style, which I admit needs help to stay on the straight and narrow.
I'm talking about my designs.
Oh, where is this coming from? High school.
My Grace Kelly did have talent.
She got me straight A's and the perfect boyfriend.
But it was my Grace Jones that had everyone wanting to dress like me, not because they admired my hard work but because they were fascinated by my ferocity.
You did instill fear in the hearts of many.
I need to stop trying to be you and use my power to form the fashionistas of the future With a line for high school girls, inspired by my Constance uniform.
I'm not sure people want to wear uniforms if they're not in school.
These won't be the uniforms they have to wear.
They'll be the uniforms they beg to wear ones they see on the girls they want to be.
They own this town.
Uniforms? Well, they do represent power and authority and instill a sense of belonging.
And the girls I dress won't follow trends.
They will set them, just like I did.
You always were very influential.
Please.
Give me one more chance to prove it.
So what do you expect to find? The financial records of Bart's oil deal.
Which, when I finally hand over to the FBI, will ensure he spends the rest of his days playing pinochle with Bernie Madoff.
Thank you.
Well, I guess it's not time to break out the handcuffs just yet.
Where the hell is that envelope? Maybe "Traffic" meant something else or we got the wrong painting.
No.
No.
Lily was too determined to get this one.
And the Phillips in my bedroom has a backing on it.
Then someone took it off.
Then they've got the evidence! Remember that silver bullet we were looking for? I found it.
You know, I really think it's time for you to come back.
The sooner, the better.
I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.
I gotta go.
One pepperoni pizza, extra cheese to go with a bottle of Dom Perignon an unexpected yet brilliant combination, just like us.
The Beatles sang, "Living is easy with eyes closed.
" Bart, I am so sorry.
I had no idea that's where you hid the records of your oil deals.
But even with our eyes open, we all still have blind spots.
Or maybe we're just looking in the wrong place.
So this will be aimed at the 12-to-25 set.
Marc Jacobs has "Marc by" Mm-hmm.
And Waldorf Designs will have "B.
" Oh, I just love that.
Yeah! But when we finally do see the light, it's strawberry fields forever.
Wait a second.
Are you sure? x.
O.
X.
O.
, Gossip Girl.
You wanna grab a burger? So Bart was using the horses to hide the money he was buying illegal oil with? He did it so he could avoid federal prison.
Lola returned it to me.
That's Carol's portion of Cece's estate.
I never thought I'd be grateful to Cece Rhodes.
Miss Eleanor call.
She saw photos of cotillion.
She say she come home to fix decorum disaster.
And who am I? That's a secret I'll never tell.
You know you love me.
X.
O.
X.
O.
, Gossip Girl.
They say the early bird gets the worm.
Inspiring motivation if you're the bird.
The worm, however, has no idea when her future will be plucked away by the next airborne attacker.
My mother's plane landed 45 minutes ago.
Look, alive, people! She was so furious that my cotillion dress was associated with Serena's sickening sex tape.
Everything must be perfect.
And "perfect" does not include tabloid contraband.
Hand it over.
Get this out of my sight.
My mother cannot see that revenge smut.
On second thought, you go with it.
How dare Humphrey write that I am conniving, manipulative, and stuck in high school? I am not all scheme and no substance.
Hell have no fury like a lonely boy scorned.
Well, he doesn't matter.
When my mother sees the dress orders, she will be so busy singing my praises that she won't have time to pay attention to Pay attention to what, Blair? What don't you want me paying attention to? Mother! Welcome home! What is this, "Downton Abbey"? Everyone, back to work! Dorota, when did you become a seamstress? Get my bags, take them back to the house and start keeping it.
This is not fooling anyone.
You.
Office.
Now.
I know you're upset, mother, but my cotillion dress has already been ordered by the three B's Barneys, Bergdorf's, and the lesser but still relevant Bloomingdale's.
I achieved your goal.
At the cost of my company's reputation.
A few sales do not make up for a runway strip show and sex tapes, and bandage dresses without the the bandages.
Well, I admit a shift in marketing strategy may be called for.
No, the the issue goes deeper than that, Blair.
It's you.
You and your your split personality.
Well, you must be referring to my ability to multitask.
I am referring to your dark and scheming and, frankly, sexually inappropriate side.
I like to think of myself as open-minded? For as long as I can remember, you have struggled between your two natures.
I know that you are a beautiful, intelligent, ambitious young businesswoman.
But if you want to continue to run my multimillion-dollar corporation, the deviant half has to go.
For good! I understand.
There won't be an issue.
My Grace Kelly can defeat my Grace Jones, no problem.
Uh-huh.
Well, honestly, I've I've slept so much better since you found out that Lola returned the money from Cece's estate to me.
I'm really sorry I kept that a secret from you.
I'm just glad everything's out in the open and you had the money to save the gallery in time for tonight's opening.
I'm so excited it's finally happening.
Are there any last-minute details you want me to take care of? Well, we need to give the caterer a final head count.
Do you remember how many R.
S.
V.
Ps we had? I never checked, but I'm sure everyone's coming.
Uh What's wrong? Well, this can't be right.
They're all regrets.
What happened to your art world connections? No "Art Forum" editor.
No major collectors.
Hey, even Bex said "no.
" What the hell happened? You surfing the Empire CCTV again? What, is Olivia Munn staying here? Wrong place.
This is the security footage from the Van Der Woodsen building.
How'd you get your hands on that? Well, Vanya can't be bribed, but the night doorman was remarkably open to a cash payment.
So what are you looking for? When Ivy was in the apartment, she said Bart walked in with an envelope he held on to rather tightly.
I was hoping to see a return address or some distinguishing marks.
Did you find anything? Indeed.
The envelope had the seal of the first international bank of Sudan.
The financial records from his illegal oil trade? I assume so, but Bart closed all the accounts that morning.
And he's not about to show you what's in the envelope or tell you where it is.
He won't, but someone else might.
Bruce Caplan dropped the envelope off to Bart that morning.
The Bass business manager? He won't spill any of Bart's secrets to you.
He won't, but if the head of "The Spectator" were to ask for business management advice He might accidentally let something slip.
Especially if it's the kind of meeting that loosens lips.
Okay.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Well, I figured out why no one's coming to our opening.
Turns out there's a huge benefit tonight at the Conrad for the art production fund.
Guess who's hosting.
Lily.
She must've figured out when you were planning on opening your gallery, scheduled her own benefit to sabotage you.
Well, it's not just me she's sabotaging.
It's my artists, too.
This group show was a big deal to them.
How am I gonna explain that no one's coming because of my vindictive ex-wife? Well, everyone would still come if her event was canceled.
Oh, she's not gonna cancel a huge benefit for me.
She won't even take my call.
I'm not calling her.
I'm calling the art production fund.
I feel like donating some money.
Good morning, Daniel.
Good morning.
Thank you for letting me stay in Eric's room.
Can I make you and Bart a cup? Oh, no.
I'm good, thanks.
And Bart is out of town.
I'm on my way to Via Quadronno to meet the girls before my benefit meeting.
How's that going, by the way? I forgot how much I enjoy throwing a party without having my husband standing over my shoulder, judging me.
I mean Rufus, of course, not Bart.
Forgive me, Daniel.
You can never offend me with the truth.
Nonfat cappuccino, extra foam, no sugar.
You remembered.
Yeah, well, it's been a while, almost as long as since we woke up in the same apartment together.
Unless you count the Waldorfs'.
Remember? I certainly forgot this was coming out today.
Yeah.
We've both burned a lot of bridges this year.
But at least we have each other.
And I couldn't be more grateful for you letting me camp out, but I I don't want to overstay my welcome.
I finally got my first paycheck for "Vanity Fair," so I think it's time for me to find my own place and let you get back to your life.
Yeah.
I mean, we can't hide out here forever.
But, hey, if you if you need to find a new place, I I know someone who knows everyone, who has terrific instincts for real estate, and who happens to have an afternoon free to look at apartments with you.
Who? Oh.
Right.
Yeah, that's you.
Okay.
So do you have any idea what neighborhood you want? I can't get far enough away from my dad right now, so Brooklyn's out.
So Upper East Side? I was I was thinking lower.
What's funny about that? Oh, I know you like the idea of saying you live in an L.
E.
S.
walk-up, but we both know you well enough to know you secretly long for a condo in the West Village.
Fine.
A doorman would be nice, but I'll just lie about how much rent I pay.
Okay, let's take a cab to West Fourth then.
No, we got a ride.
You bought a Vespa? That's right.
I forgot how much you like Vespas.
But I got so used to driving one around Italy this summer that I decided I couldn't live without.
Here.
Hop on.
Serena! Serena! Hey, I loved that sex tape! Serena, Serena, over here! No.
Turn around and give me a smile, Serena.
When's the sequel? Talk to us.
Spotted S.
and D.
getting cozy again.
Even I have to admit they sure look cute on that scooter.
Oh, my gosh.
That was amazing! You were you were like Jason Bourne, riding up on the sidewalk.
You know, that sex tape I knew it went viral, but I didn't expect that.
Well, given the media circus, maybe today's not the day to be searching for apartments.
Nobody wants a tenant trailed by TMZ.
That's great.
All right, we should probably get off the streets.
Yeah.
I could use a drink.
You know what? I know a place where no one will think to look for us.
Perfect.
Thank you.
So, Bruce, is there anything else I can get you? Wow.
Crystal and Cristal is my favorite combination.
But maybe we'd better get to that urgent business matter you mentioned.
Well, there are certain things about "The Spectator" finances I would like to remain confidential.
I wonder if you could advise me on the safest way to keep those hidden.
Storing confidential information is a specialty of mine.
But I like to work on a client-by-client basis.
Could you give me some examples? I'm sorry.
Uh, my clients depend on my discretion.
Besides, I don't want to talk about that now.
Send me your books.
I'll make a recommendation.
In the meantime, I would like to take the rest of this meeting elsewhere.
Don't forget your jacket.
Oh.
Thanks.
Why did you let him leave without getting the information? He wasn't gonna give it to me, so I figured I'd just take it.
I will admit you have taken steps.
Like the the peonies were an elegant addition to the handwritten apologies you sent to each of the board members of the cotillion.
And poppy did seem touched by my donation to her charity for children who can't smile.
Sound like Miss Blair show great grace and dignity.
Yes, that's right, Dorota.
My mother has shown me the errors of my way.
So now you can return to Paris, reassured that your company's on the straight and narrow.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
I said steps, as in the first of many on the road to recovery.
Well, I have already admitted that I am powerless over my scheming, and that my life has become unmanageable.
What else is there? Amends to the fashion community which informs the masses.
Hello, Blair.
I had Dorota prepare a light lunch.
I'll let you girls chat.
How could someone who hides everything for everyone else pick his birthday for his password? I underestimated you, Nathaniel.
Well, you're not the first person to say that, but there's nothing under the international bank of Sudan.
Then pull up my father.
Bruce said he had different methods for hiding information for different clients.
Maybe there's a record of it.
There's nothing here but addresses and phone numbers.
Then look at the calendar the morning he dropped off the envelope.
Maybe there's a clue to where he went.
Wait.
There's an entry here from the morning.
It says "Bass traffic.
" I'm sorry.
We're not open to the public just yet.
Oh, we have an appointment.
Rufus Humphrey.
Hi.
This is Ivy Dickens.
Benedict Tate.
I'm doing P.
R.
for tonight's event.
So please, how can I be of assistance? We would like to purchase all of the artwork.
I appreciate your enthusiasm, but tonight's silent auction is expected to raise hundreds of thousands of dollars.
How many hundreds? You know, 8 has always been a lucky number for me.
So now you can, uh, cancel your expensive party and send everyone home.
I'm I'm sorry.
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
I am happy to deliver all the artwork to you after the event, but it's too late an hour to cancel.
And, well we need something on the walls.
Then I have an idea that may help you raise even more money.
When we came here on our first date, you didn't know how to hold the cue.
Did you spend the last five years taking billiard lessons? I could always play.
You hustled me.
Well, no.
I I just wanted to make you feel better after your epic French ordering failure.
Or maybe you were looking for an excuse for me to put my arms around you.
A girl never reveals her secrets.
Unless you're Gossip Girl.
Spotted two old flames slumming it on memory lane.
Who doesn't love a sequel? Did she give our exact location? Yeah, which means our mob of new friends are probably already camped outside.
We're just fueling their fire by being together.
Why don't I go out front with the Vespa? I'll distract 'em, and you just sneak out back and grab a taxi.
Well, we don't have to go right now.
I'm just about to win.
Please.
Let's let's not make my humiliation official.
And the sooner we get out of here, the better.
This was nice, though.
I'll miss it.
Mm.
Traffic.
Traffic jam.
Traffic light.
Maybe they had a meeting in a car.
Or it's Bart's oil trafficking or something else he's illegally selling.
Like a nuclear bomb in a briefcase.
You watch too many movies.
So does Bruce.
Wait.
That's it.
The movie "Traffic" is right here.
I remember in that film, the head of the drug cartel stored his illegal account information in the back of a painting.
What, you think that's where Bart hid whatever was in the envelope? Well, there's a lot of paintings in the Van Der Woodsen apartment.
I'm just, unfortunately, still banned from the building.
I guess I'll have to pay them a visit.
So I called and I called and I called and I called, and then I just never heard from him again.
Is that the end of the story? Mm-hmm.
Wow.
You really are so entertaining.
So when my mother returns, tell her that I apologized and that we're best friends.
I'm sorry, Blair.
This was fun, but I won't do that because it's not the truth.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
I have been cordial to you for the last 52 minutes.
Do you have any idea the psychological torture that I have endured being nice to you? I should have just skipped ahead to this from the start.
It that me as Mrs.
Mingott in a fat suit? That was embarrassing.
Agreed, which is why you don't want this bouncing around the blogosphere.
No one wants to take fashion advice from her.
Mother! Ladies, how are we getting along? Famously.
Blair just tried to blackmail me.
I'm sorry, Eleanor.
I tried.
This is all Nelly's fault.
She was clearly lying because she's always been jealous of me.
The only thing clear is that Daniel Humphrey was right about you.
You read that dreck? On the plane.
And his his central thesis is correct.
You are running my business like you're still the meanest girl in high school.
I am trying.
Relapse is part of recovery.
Please, just give me one more chance.
I'm sorry, Blair.
It's over.
I can't.
I have no other choice but to demote you and take back the presidency of Waldorf Designs, effective immediately.
Watch out, B.
They say you're only as good as the company you keep, and right now you're not keeping any.
What's going on? Why are you taking down the paintings for my event? I think you mean our event.
Since everyone in the art world is coming here tonight instead of my gallery opening, I decided to have my opening here.
That's outrageous.
I'm gonna talk to Benedict and have him reinstall my art immediately.
Well, that would be difficult since we own it all now.
Lily, welcome.
I see you've met our new event co-sponsors.
I have, and I'm not thrilled that my carefully curated pieces are being replaced without even so much as a phone call.
Oh.
Well, I'm sorry.
I never imagined that you'd object to raising more money for such a worthwhile cause.
Lily, Rufus and Ivy have helped A.
P.
F.
Break fund-raising records.
Certainly, sharing your hosting duties is a a small price to pay.
Of course, which is why you've inspired me to make my own additional donation, which I am sure will break their record.
Hold it right there, Humph-freak! Do you have any idea what a mess your article has made? No, but I'm guessing you're gonna tell me even if I keep walking.
My mother demoted me, thanks to your disparaging drivel.
Right, and I'm sure it had nothing to do with your work-related behavior.
Fix this, or when I'm done with you, you won't even have Georgina Sparks' couch in Brooklyn.
I will fly Vanessa back from whatever third-world country she's in if I have to.
Do you hear yourself? You're trying to bully me into retracting an article about you being a bully.
No.
I'm proving to my mother that I am the mature, polite, professional woman who should be running Waldorf Designs.
Blair, you tracked me down with your "Spotted" map and threatened me with the return of Vanessa.
You are not mature, polite, or professional, and even your own mother knows it.
Nelly? Do you think you could meet me at Lily's benefit tonight? There's something I think you would want to hear.
And you're sure there's nothing? There's nothing in any of this art.
It could be subtle.
Tape on the backing or rip in the seam.
No, there's nothing.
And the back of artwork is really boring.
Hold on one second.
Someone's coming.
Nate? What are you doing here? I am just writing a story on Lily's artwork for "The Spectator.
" Oh, for the A.
P.
F.
benefit tonight? Yeah.
Exactly.
What are you up to? Uh, just rereading an old short story.
Hey, is everybody a writer these days? It no, it's Dan's.
Wow.
Aren't you getting enough of him in "Vanity Fair"? It's the one from "The New Yorker.
" You know, the story about the first time he saw me at that party.
Do not tell me in some twisted turn of events that that sex tape made you miss him.
No, it's just we spent some time together, and I don't know.
It it brought up some old memories.
Serena, you're really vulnerable right now after Steven broke up with you.
It's too soon to have real feelings for Dan.
But what if those feelings never really went away? That high school kid you fell in love with that's not who he is anymore, okay? He almost cost me "The Spectator" to sell his serial.
And he exploited all of us in those chapters.
I know.
You're right.
I mean, he has become a selfish egomaniac who will Serena destroy his friends for for money and attention, for fame and Ahem.
I know how much you like chocolate-covered strawberries.
Dan, wait.
Hey, listen, I better get going.
Wait.
What about the auction Serena mentioned? Look around.
Is there anything missing? That painting of the rainbow woman is gone.
Oh.
My Richard Phillips has arrived.
Lily, are you sure? You know, it's one of my favorite pieces in my collection, but it is for a good cause.
And I've already sent Bart an e-mail, and I know he will agree.
This is incredibly generous.
In fact, we're gonna have a live auction just for this special piece.
I know she will be the star of the show.
This work of art appears to be a work of Bart.
Let the bidding begin.
This is Spencer Sweeney, Patrick McMullan, and Fab Five Freddy.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Art Production Fund benefit.
First, I'd like to say a special thanks to Rufus Humphrey and Ivy Dickens for their tremendous contribution tonight.
Careful, Lily.
You paid a lot of money to fill those worry lines.
Listen, you vile little interloper, you and Rufus may have rubbed your last two nickels together to replace my art, but the only people that you're making fools of are yourselves.
But tonight, folks, the centerpiece of this event will be a special live auction of Richard Phillips' "Spectrum" courtesy of Lilian Bass' personal collection.
Bidding will begin shortly.
As I was saying, you can pretend to be Lola, you can pretend to be Serena, but you will never be me.
I don't want to be you.
I want to be better.
Rufus already thinks I am.
I always liked that painting.
I'm glad to see you two found each other.
Blair.
Nelly was just telling me you invited her here to meet with her.
I hope it is to make an official apology.
That I'd love to hear.
I'm not here to apologize to Nelly, mother.
I'm here to apologize to you.
Then what am I doing here? Shutting up and writing about it so you can publicly restore Waldorf designs' pristine reputation.
Blair, what is this about? Undoing all the damage my dark side has done.
I'm a bad seed, mother, so send me away to the village of the damned.
No one expects miracles, darling.
It's been part of you for 20-something years.
It's not going to go away overnight.
Just maybe sometime before I die.
Y you don't understand.
The real Grace Kelly had talent.
You have talent.
Even that goth princess Jenny Humphrey had talent.
But I don't.
It's all just pretense.
Well, your record of achievements prove otherwise.
Everything I have was from scheming and lying and working the angles.
I don't have what it takes.
You are Mozart.
I'm Salieri.
No matter how hard I work, I will never be you, and I think it was just my dark side trying to hide that.
So effective immediately, I resign from Waldorf Designs.
Did you reach anyone from A.
P.
F.
? I finally got a hold of an assistant, but she said they're only taking bids in person.
How far away are you? At least ten blocks.
Is there no way around this, like on the sidewalk? I like that your artists reflect the same socially relevant projects we commission at art production fund.
And I like that you can see the street art influence.
I'm not talking about the '80s but the '40s Dubuffet, Pollack, Ray Johnson.
Yeah, when artists were the stars of New York instead of celebutantes.
Yes.
Excuse me.
Can I speak to you for a moment? What can I do for you, Lily? Are you interested in one of my Pfahler pieces to replace your Phillips? No, thank you, and I think you've made your point here, Rufus.
This is a benefit to raise money for a good cause, and I won't have your little freeloader making a mockery of it by bidding on things she can't afford.
Ivy can afford any painting she wants.
And with what money? I know it's not yours.
You're right.
It's Cece's.
Ladies and gentlemen, if we are ready to begin, I would like to start the bidding for the Richard Phillips at $500,000.
$500,000.
I have $500,000.
Lola gave it back to her when she found out your mother wanted Ivy to have it.
$500,000.
Going once? $500,000.
Do I have $520,000? $520,000.
She may have been able to con Lola out of half my mother's estate, but she'll never get anything of mine.
Do I have $540,000? Going once? $540,000.
$560,000.
$560,000.
Do I have $570,000? $570,000.
$570,000.
$570,000.
Do I have $580,000? $580,000.
$580,000.
Do I have $600,000? $750,000.
$750,000.
I know it sounded bad, but you heard it out of context.
In what context can "selfish egomaniac" be positive? I was telling Nate what a good time I had with you, but th Yeah, I heard the "but" part.
But that it's confusing for me because I have spent the past few months hating you.
I told you I loved you, and then you rejected me for my best friend.
You've rejected me for nearly everyone on the Upper East Side.
Can you blame me for having doubts? You had more than doubts.
You told me you never wanted to see me again.
You mean, after you used me to make a sex tape to destroy me and your best friend? I'm not the bad guy here.
You want everyone to believe you're poor, sweet Dan Humphrey from Brooklyn, but you sent that video of Chuck and Blair into "Gossip Girl" to try to ruin her wedding, and then you pinned it on me.
Yeah, I didn't want Blair to marry the wrong man.
And it's not like you've never used "Gossip Girl" to further your own agenda.
Oh, wait.
Oh, wait.
You were Gossip Girl for a second.
Only to restore balance after Georgina's reign of terror who who is now partnering with you to attack and humiliate everyone that we care about in your exposes? Which leads us back to your reason for calling me a selfish egomaniac.
You're right.
Now I now I understand.
Good.
I'm glad.
I was being sarcastic, Serena.
So was I.
No, you weren't.
Yes, I was.
Look look, ob obviously, too much has happened over the past five years.
No matter who we are today, we can't undo the things we've done in the past, so it's probably best we just move on without each other.
Which I will do the second we get out of this elevator.
$880,000.
I have $880,000.
Do I hear $900,000? $900,000.
$900,000.
What do you think you're doing? $920,000.
I'd ask you the same thing.
Bidding on an item you put up for auction? I changed my mind when this gypsy trash wanted it.
She will not have anything near and dear to my heart.
$940,000 once? $940,000.
$960,000.
I assure you I won't let her win if you stop bidding.
And why should I trust you? I know you teamed up with this charlatan to cause problems with your father and me.
This painting means more to me than anything.
$980,000.
What do you think you're doing? We're supposed to be on the same side.
So you are still aligned with her? I'm on nobody's side but my own.
$1 million, ladies and gentlemen.
$1.
1 million.
Do I hear 1.
2? Going once.
Going twice.
Sold for $1.
1 million to the man in front.
Congratulations.
Revenge is sweet, especially when you have a sugar mama.
Unfortunately, not all families appreciate just desserts.
I just wanted to congratulate you and apologize.
I admit that I was out of line with some of the things that I said earlier.
And you obviously want something now.
Well, I know how important it was for you to prove that you could best me publicly.
And now that you've achieved what you wanted, I would love to buy my painting back.
Well, if you wanted it so much, why'd you put it up for auction? I had no idea how much it meant to me till it was gone.
And let's face it, Rufus.
Do you really want that hanging in your loft, reminding you of me? I don't.
We'll give it to a museum one far away from Manhattan where you won't even be able to visit.
Surely there's a price that will change your mind.
No.
You can't buy us off the way you do everyone else.
We don't want your money.
What is it you want then? To make you feel the way you've made us feel humiliated and powerless and like you're worth nothing.
So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make sure they're packing up our painting.
I'll see you later.
And you remain a kept man.
I never thought I would say this, Lil, but I think Ivy's right.
You brought this on yourself.
Maybe you should try Vanya again.
It's been, like, 47 seconds since I called.
And unlike last time we were stuck here, I remembered to use your name.
Oh, if we're recreating that, you should probably try to crawl out of the ceiling any moment.
I admit that was not one of my better ideas.
Why why were you so mad about it, then? Because I didn't want you to get hurt.
I'm sure you want me to hit the floor right now.
Throw me down the elevator shaft.
Or, hell, you know, you could just trick me into making another sex tape.
It's the people you know best that you can hurt the most.
I'm sorry I didn't say anything when you told me you loved me.
It it was easier to focus on my anger at Blair than face the possibility of getting what I always wanted and and and losing it again.
What you always wanted? You know, I had a really great time with you today.
I had to believe that you were terrible in order to protect myself.
Well, you know, I could actually be terrible if you prefer.
No.
No, thank you.
I'm good.
I I much prefer you this way.
Yeah, the feeling's mutual.
I will try Vanya again.
Well I guess that's my cue.
Or you could come up and have some chocolate-covered strawberries before you face the paparazzi.
Yeah.
That sounds nice.
If you've come for a follow-up interview, I have no comment.
Actually, I came to say thanks for the exclusive and maybe to gloat a little.
How did you know where to find me? The met steps? Where else would you go to make yourself feel better? My mother always said you'd peaked in high school.
You mean when no one else spoke to you besides your mother? You can make fun of how unpopular I used to be, but the person no one cares about anymore is you.
Then why are you still sitting below me on the steps? Habit.
Like a headband.
Just a remnant from when you were a tastemaker.
And all every girl at constance wanted was to be just like me.
Lucky for all of us, like the eco-clothing trend, those days are gone.
You obviously don't shop in Brooklyn.
But thank you, Nelly.
Your misinformation has been invaluable.
Where are you going? You won't look good in hemp.
But you will, while you eat crow.
I just hope it's not too late.
Thank you so much for letting us use your painting in the auction.
Um, Todd Diciurcio, this is Chuck Bass.
It's a beautiful painting.
Excuse us.
Great work tonight.
No thanks to you.
I thought we were on the same team.
We are, which is why you should sell me that painting.
Lily already tried that.
I hope you turned her down.
That piece is a critical component of my campaign against Bart.
As you know, if I topple him, Lily won't be far behind.
What's a queen without her king? I'll sell you the painting for double what I paid.
That's a price I'm willing to pay.
All right, I'll have it delivered.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Spotted Ivy moonlighting as a gallerina.
Better hope this masterpiece isn't a forgery.
Is it weird to say I'm I'm glad we got in that fight? No, no.
No, not at all.
I am, too.
That storage unit I kept packed full of old resentments was getting pretty full.
You know, I I feel like I did when I first came back to the city from boarding school, when all I wanted was a fresh start.
Well, you have one now, at least with me.
I, uh, should probably take off.
It's getting pretty late.
Oh, did you ever find a place? Technically, no.
But, I mean, I got that check now, so Mm.
I can afford a hotel room.
I don't want to impose too much.
No, you're you're not imposing at all.
Are you sure? I mean, just this morning, you were saying you thought it might ruin our friendship.
Well, I think if we could get through the last five years, then we could get through a few more nights.
So y you can stay.
Or you don't have to.
You can go, too.
Or you can stay.
Whatever you want.
That's what I want.
I made a mistake.
Many.
Who hasn't? You'll have to be more specific, dear.
When I quit earlier.
I thought that I was using my dark side to hide the fact that I have no talent.
I wasn't the one who said you didn't have talent, Blair.
No, but you told me to squash my dark side, which is my talent.
It's my inspiration.
You can't blackmail your way through business.
Well, I agree, but I'm not talking about my management style, which I admit needs help to stay on the straight and narrow.
I'm talking about my designs.
Oh, where is this coming from? High school.
My Grace Kelly did have talent.
She got me straight A's and the perfect boyfriend.
But it was my Grace Jones that had everyone wanting to dress like me, not because they admired my hard work but because they were fascinated by my ferocity.
You did instill fear in the hearts of many.
I need to stop trying to be you and use my power to form the fashionistas of the future With a line for high school girls, inspired by my Constance uniform.
I'm not sure people want to wear uniforms if they're not in school.
These won't be the uniforms they have to wear.
They'll be the uniforms they beg to wear ones they see on the girls they want to be.
They own this town.
Uniforms? Well, they do represent power and authority and instill a sense of belonging.
And the girls I dress won't follow trends.
They will set them, just like I did.
You always were very influential.
Please.
Give me one more chance to prove it.
So what do you expect to find? The financial records of Bart's oil deal.
Which, when I finally hand over to the FBI, will ensure he spends the rest of his days playing pinochle with Bernie Madoff.
Thank you.
Well, I guess it's not time to break out the handcuffs just yet.
Where the hell is that envelope? Maybe "Traffic" meant something else or we got the wrong painting.
No.
No.
Lily was too determined to get this one.
And the Phillips in my bedroom has a backing on it.
Then someone took it off.
Then they've got the evidence! Remember that silver bullet we were looking for? I found it.
You know, I really think it's time for you to come back.
The sooner, the better.
I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.
I gotta go.
One pepperoni pizza, extra cheese to go with a bottle of Dom Perignon an unexpected yet brilliant combination, just like us.
The Beatles sang, "Living is easy with eyes closed.
" Bart, I am so sorry.
I had no idea that's where you hid the records of your oil deals.
But even with our eyes open, we all still have blind spots.
Or maybe we're just looking in the wrong place.
So this will be aimed at the 12-to-25 set.
Marc Jacobs has "Marc by" Mm-hmm.
And Waldorf Designs will have "B.
" Oh, I just love that.
Yeah! But when we finally do see the light, it's strawberry fields forever.
Wait a second.
Are you sure? x.
O.
X.
O.
, Gossip Girl.