Hot In Cleveland s06e06 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
You know, I've never been to a vodka tasting.
Do you sip and spit? And waste good vodka? Just swallow.
That's my motto.
Don't you dare.
Unlike your boyfriends, Joy, I don't swing at the easy ones.
Mmm.
This stuff is great.
- When are you shooting your commercial? - Next week.
Victoria Chase for Paleo vodka.
The vodka the cavemen drank.
Cavemen didn't drink vodka.
Well, you were there.
Elka, the mayor is out there sitting alone.
You invited him over here, so you could make nice.
But I hate him.
We'll just end up fighting.
Oh, take this.
Nothing solves fights better than alcohol.
This is a little heavy.
Lighter now.
There's no reason we can't be nice to each other for one night, Mr.
Mayor.
No reason at all, Councilwoman.
Your speech today was almost interesting.
And your rebuttal almost made sense.
Hey, guys.
Owen, I see you've met my boyfriend, Jack.
I've never met an Owen I didn't like, and I've met over two Owens.
How did you get to be so adorable? Might be because I'm descended from kittens.
Isn't he the cutest? He's right up there.
I think I'm gonna go talk to my mother.
Hi, honey.
So how's things with you? Have you asked Debbie out yet? First of all, mom, stop saying her name that way.
Like what? I'm just saying Debbie.
Is she pretty? Yes, she's pretty, but I work with her.
I want to take my time.
You're right.
Don't rush.
Maybe tonight you'll meet a girl at this party.
Looking good, Owen.
Fine, I'll ask Debbie out.
Well, it's been an exciting evening, everyone, but it's getting late.
I do have a long drive home.
It's funny because he only lives across the street.
I'll see you in a little bit.
It'll seem like a long bit to me.
Seems like a long bit to all of us.
What a fun evening.
Oh, and don't you just love Jack? Absolutely.
Adore him.
I know.
He's sweet, right? Crazy sweet.
Sickeningly sweet.
And the two of them together makes my teeth hurt.
Oh, it's like Sugar dating Syrup.
It makes me want to throw up My hands in the air and be so happy for Jack and Melanie.
Aww.
Thanks.
Oh.
You know, I am so pleased about my paleo vodka endorsement.
I was disappointed not to be the UNICEF ambassador, but In some ways, vodka ambassador helps far more people.
- Oh, it does.
- It so does.
It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be a disaster.
She never reads her contracts.
She just signs them, and the next thing you know, she's in North Korea singing "happy birthday" to Kim Jong Un, deux, trois, quatre.
Yes, they're all here.
Oh, it's Dwayne.
He's flying in tomorrow to do my hair.
Thinking of going blonde.
- Exciting.
- Fabulous.
It's never gonna happen.
Who's she kidding? I mean, for as long as we've known her, she's had the same hair She is! We were just saying how gorgeous you are gonna be blonde.
Oh, totally.
Okay, well, I'm off to get ready for my big romantic evening with Jack.
I'm gonna stay over at his place tonight.
So, as they say in New Zealand G'night, ladies.
I'm off to have g'sex.
- G'brilliant.
- G'wonderful.
G'snore.
How boring is that sex gonna be? I know.
It's same with same.
It's like yams having sex with sweet potatoes.
The last thing you want is two nice people doing it politely.
Vanilla on vanilla is the worst sex of all.
Is that vanilla I smell? Yes, it's my scented candles.
They're called "vanilla escape.
" Mm.
Not too overpowering, though.
Nothing worse than over-scented candles.
Apart from maybe war and poison spiders.
So may I kiss you now? Asking for a kiss, it's like sixth grade.
What next? "Would it be all right" "if I unhook the back of your brassiere?" Everything all right? Oh, uh, yeah.
Yes.
I was thinking how lovely it would be to have some music.
Great idea.
What are you two doing here? We're in your head.
Prove it.
Right now you're thinking, "I knew I was having sex tonight.
Why didn't I shave my legs?" Oh, my God, you are in my head! Why? We just popped in to watch you have vanilla sex.
Well, I am gonna kiss him, and it is gonna be so hot that when I open my eyes, you two will be gone.
Are you sure you're all right? You seem a little distracted.
No.
No, no.
Let's just have that kiss.
Okay.
Wow.
Still here.
You guys ruined sex for me.
What are you talking about? Jack and I didn't have sex last night because the two of you were in my head.
Why were we in your head? Because I overheard you talking about how vanilla our sex was gonna be.
I would never talk about the two of you behind your back like that.
Unlike the two of you, I'm a good friend.
Really? Are you the good friend who said Victoria will screw things up because she never reads contracts? What? Melanie! Well, you said Joy never changes her hair.
- Victoria.
- Oh, please.
Melanie will have interesting sex before you go blonde.
Victoria! So I slept with the mayor.
You said you invited him over last night to find common ground.
We found common ground.
In bed.
But you disagree on every issue.
That's what makes it hot.
You are a councilwoman.
You cannot sleep with the mayor.
Olivia pope sleeps with the president.
Onscandal,which is a TV show.
Used to be.
Now it's real.
What if this gets out? Your supporters like that you actually oppose the mayor.
And when there were rumors about him and the treasurer, you told The Plain Dealer, "anyone dumb enough to sleep with the mayor doesn't deserve to be in public office.
" I could see where that could come back to bite me.
So you'll break it off? Fine.
I'm gonna have to delete some stuff from the cloud.
Victoria, we are so excited here at paleo vodka to have you as our spokesperson.
Let's sign these contracts.
Glad to, but first, I've had issues with contracts before, so I must read this very carefully.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
You're not really reading.
You're just furrowing your brow and making "mm-hmm" noises.
Hey.
Is there a problem? No.
I've read all the words, and it appears to be in order.
Pen, please.
Great.
And good luck with survival night.
The what-what now? Survival night.
You spend 24 hours in a cave surviving the elements caveman-style.
It was all in the contract.
Of course it was.
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
We're reading all the words.
So same old, same old? Actually, I was thinking No, just the usual, please.
Okay.
"I'm Joy Scroggs, I am, and I never change me look.
" "I like things" "the way they are, guv'na.
" I sound nothing like that.
Dwayne, I want to go blonde.
Not just blonde.
Platinum.
I'll get the bleach.
Hello, stranger.
I know.
It's a bit different.
The stylist thought it would be better if my eyebrows and eyelashes matched, but I no, no, no, no, no.
You gotta get out of here.
You look like an albino, and Debbie's coming.
So? What does Debbie have to do with this? That.
Why didn't you tell me she was an albino? Because I didn't know you were going tobean albino.
Besides, it sounded racist.
Is it a race? Shh.
Hey, Owen.
Debbie, this is my mom, Joy.
Hi.
Don't worry.
This was a mistake.
Be back to normal soon.
Not "normal.
" You look normal, if normal is incredibly beautiful.
Gosh, I'd go out with you if if you weren't dating my son and I was gay and you were.
Why doesn't somebody else talk? You know, I'm getting kind of a weird vibe here, Owen.
I'll see you back at work.
So Anyone else at the office you like? Elka, are you breaking up with me? Don't act like it was more than it was.
We were just enemies with benefits.
You're right.
It's best for both of our careers.
No more sexy texts during council meetings.
No more letting our hands linger on the shovel at ground-breakings.
Go now.
Don't look back.
Wow, you really did it.
Yes, but only because you and Victoria were in my head.
And then I saw Owen, and he was on a date with Debbie.
- Yay! - No, Melanie.
Not yay.
Debbie's an albino.
Oh, my God, and you look like an albino.
Did she notice? Yeah, she did.
Oh, my God.
I know.
My hair.
Joy, this is not about you and how terrible you look.
I have to sleep in a cave because you two said that I didn't read contracts.
Oh, how the hell am I gonna survive in the wild? I can barely make it through a night at the radisson.
See, this is the problem with women living together.
We're in each other's heads.
Our mind cycles are synced.
You're right.
We have PMS.
Persistent mental Something.
What do we do? What women have done for centuries: Drink, eat chocolate, and try to stay away from each other.
And stay away from me while you're at it.
Wait, whose head is she in? Hi, I'm bear Thomas, and this dark, damp, remote cave is gonna be Victoria Chase's bedroom for the night.
All that stands between her and the elements is a sleeping bag and a bottle of Paleo vodka.
- I'm gonna leave her now.
- What? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You have to protect me against all this nature.
The whole point of the promotion is you here against the elements.
The good news is, all the bugs in this cave are edible.
Oh, and the bats won't come out unless you make a sudden movement or scream in fear.
See you tomorrow.
Oh.
I'm so alone.
The only voice in my head is my own, saying, "why didn't you read your [bleep.]
contract?" Oh, I wish Melanie was in my head.
She'd know what to do.
Hey, how come you didn't want me in your head? Because I'm better in a crisis.
If you can't drink it or sleep with it, you don't know what to do.
Good one, Victoria.
That was my line.
No, but I'm the one imagining you saying it.
Now, help me.
How am I gonna get through the night? You're an actress.
An academy award-winning actress.
I never get tired of thinking it.
Just act like you're not in a cave.
You're in the cave room of an exclusive outdoor spa.
Gwyneth tried to book it but was told you were more important.
There's nobody here to impress, so you don't have to pretend to read a book.
And instead of cucumber water, you have Vodka.
Oh, I like the way I'm thinking.
I am so sorry about the other night.
That's okay.
Believe it or not, I have not had sex with women before.
Do you want to come around again tonight for a nice evening in? Or We could be naughty and do it right now in the bathroom.
The bath The bathroom? I've never done it in public before.
Back in New Zealand, I had a sensual encounter at a bus stop once.
But it was interrupted by sheep.
Meet me in the handicap bathroom.
Five minutes.
Sounds naughty.
Oh, super naughty.
Because if we get caught in the handicap bathroom, we have to pay a fine.
Oh! Oh, how do you make a bathroom sexy? I wish Joy were here.
Why did you think of me first? Exactly.
I've had sex in bathrooms.
Yeah, but admit it.
You think of Joy first.
What are you doing here? I just came by to say that.
Okay, you guys, what do I do? Well, first of all, you have to be drunk enough to forget you're in a public bathroom.
I'm not drunk.
It's lunchtime.
Oh, Melanie, this isn't you.
And not being yourself is the worst sex of all.
I thought you said nice sex was the worst sex of all.
What do we know? We're not nice.
We've never had nice sex.
Maybe it's good.
It is good.
Ooh, roomy, isn't it? Lots of space for sex.
And, of course, bacteria.
Jack, I'm sorry.
This isn't me.
And I'm I'm sensing this isn't you either.
Mm.
And not being yourself is the worst sex of all.
Well, actually, not having sex is the worst sex of all.
Shall we go back to my place? Yes, please.
And if you still want to spice things up, I do have a scented candle called "Moroccan Sundays," which would be rather naughty to light, as today's Tuesday.
Hi, Debbie.
I need to talk to you.
Oh, my God, how did you know I was here? I've been following you all day but not in a creepy way.
How is that not creepy? Because my son needs a companion Saturday nights, and it can't be me anymore.
Look I've texted Owen.
He's on his way here.
And I was hoping to smooth things over with you, so you'd give him another chance.
No, you are crazy.
Leave me alone, or I'm calling the police.
You don't have to do that.
I'm leaving.
You can't give up like that.
Have some confidence.
Now get back in there, and do what I do with my kids.
When we've hurt each other, we start all over again and do it the way we wish we'd done it.
We call it a do-over.
This one time with Jenna you do realize that you can make her stop talking at any time.
Hello, I'm Joy Scroggs.
What are you doing? I'd like to try a do-over.
I'm sorry for the way things started with us.
My son really likes you.
He says every other woman pales in comparison to y not pales.
Look, Owen is a great guy, and you should give him another chance.
Mom, what's going on? Debbie, I am so sorry.
This woman is crazy.
Oh, she is crazy, but she also said that I should give you a second chance.
And besides, a nice guy like you shouldn't be spending all of his Saturday nights with his mother.
Wha you told her that? Would you like to join me for a drink? I would.
Oh, this is so cute.
Mom.
Going.
Totally going.
But so cute.
You know, Joy, I'm really starting to get used to the hair.
I'm loving it.
I'm changing it back tomorrow.
- Oh, thank God.
- It's hideous.
Grow your mustache out, you'll look like Mark Twain.
So how'd things go with Jack? Well, my friends, there is a reason that vanilla is the most popular flavor of ice cream in the world.
How many scoops? Elka! Oh.
- Oh.
- Hello.
I have some urgent city business to discuss with the councilwoman.
So what's the urgent city business? I miss you.
I miss you, too.
Just doing our jobs, serving the people? That's boring.
It's Scandal without the sex.
Who's watching that? I'm not.
Can we get back together? Don't do it, Elka.
Think of your career.
It'll end in tears.
What do you think? Go for it.
Those women are idiots.
I don't like Joy.
None of us do.
Let's do it for Cleveland.