It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s06e06 Episode Script

Dee, what are you doing? I got a tickle, a really bad one.
Shit.
Are you getting sick? If you're getting sick, stay away from us.
No, no, no.
I'd better not be getting sick.
I can't be getting sick.
- I gotta be able to talk to Groban tomorrow.
- Who? Josh Groban.
Artemis and I got backstage passes to his concert in the park tomorrow.
Charles Grodin is coming in concert, and you didn't tell us? Aw! We love Charles Grodin.
That dude is hysteri- I love that guy.
- He brings out the curmudgeon in me.
- Yeah.
No, no.
Different guy.
Josh Groban is who I'm talking about.
Josh Groban.
Oh.
Is he Charles Grodin's son? He's probably funny.
What do you think? If he's related to Charles Grodin, he is.
Don't worry about that.
Yeah, two totally different people.
Charles Grodin is a bitter old man with a giant head and Josh Groban is a beautiful singer with the voice of an angel.
Oh, he's a singer.
Call Charles Grodin a bitter old man one more time, and see what happens! - Ooh, ooh, calm down.
- All right.
All right.
Sorry.
All right.
No big deal.
I got to go home anyway.
I should rest.
Stay aw- Come on.
- No.
Don't come near me.
Don't make me sick.
- All right.
All right.
- Don't touch me with that.
Hey! Stop it.
- Don't make me sick.
Mom, Mom! Calm down! Calm down! Listen to me.
Okay, here's what you do, okay? You close the curtains, and you mind your own business, right? No, they're not terrorists! They're just Muslims.
Okay, well, I'm gonna hang up, okay? Hanging up.
Unbelievable, dude.
Ever since my Uncle Jack moved out, my mom's going crazy.
She's like, "Help me with this.
Help me with that.
Wash the floor.
Wash the ceiling.
Clean my car.
Get this.
Fix that.
Are there spiders here? Are there spiders there?" I'm sorry.
The woman who brought you into the world and raised you needs you and you're gonna ignore her? Dude, it's crazy shit.
It's insane shit.
- And I can't be constantly taking care of her.
- I don't blame you, man.
I'm very much looking forward to not taking care of anyone when I'm older.
Well, what? What, you're not gonna take care of me when I'm old? Hell, no, I'm not gonna take care of you.
You were a terrible father to me.
I'll get Deandra to take care of me.
She'll take care of me.
Dee's not gonna take care of you.
You chased her out with a pool cue because she had a cough.
Forget about it.
- That's her.
- Answer the phone, Charlie.
- I'm just gonna let it ring, 'cause it's crazy shit.
- Answer the goddamn phone! - It's not anything serious, Mac! - Just answer - What? Hello? What? What is it? Ye- Yeah.
Oh, well, that is a serious thing.
Okay.
I'll let him know.
Uh, Mac, your mom burned her house down.
Hey-oh! Good news, Dennis.
Mom's okay.
She fell asleep with a lit cigarette in her mouth and burned the entire house down but the good news is she's fine.
Uh- Oh, great.
Yeah.
- Um, where is she going to be staying? - Here, of course.
I'll stay in a shelter.
- Hey, there's an idea! Shelter.
- Absolutely not.
Okay.
What about a nice nursing home? Nursing home? Do you have any idea what happens in those places, dude? Why don't I just rape her myself? Rape her? What are you talking about? What? Yo, got your dog.
Poppins! Hey, buddy! How you doing? Poppins? My God, I can't believe that dog's not dead.
- Didn't you get him when you were, like, 10? - Oh, yeah.
This dog is indestructible, dude.
Yeah, that dog's nasty, man.
He was coughing the whole way over here.
He ate cigarette butts off the ground.
He's got a wheeze.
He might have emphysema, man.
Oh, that's entirely possible.
Yeah, it wouldn't slow him down though.
He's a survivor.
He would disappear for months, but he would always come home.
Yeah, it looks like his eye is falling out.
- Is it? When it just bulges? - It bulges out a little bit there.
You just pop it back in with your knuckle.
I'll show you how to do it.
- I'm never going to do that.
- You're gonna touch his eye with your knuckle? You just sort of pop it back in.
Oh.
Hang on a second.
What, Mom, what? I'm not gonna vacuum your ceiling.
Um, because I already did it, okay? Plastic splinters are the same as - You won't get a splinter! - I gotta go deal with this.
- No.
Hold on a second.
- It's back in, Dennis.
Check it out.
- I don't care.
I have an idea that's gonna solve all of our problems here.
Your moms are gonna live together.
Now hear me out.
This is gonna be great.
Okay, Mac, your mom burned down her house with a cigarette, right? Uncle Jack moved out of your mom's house, so she's lonely.
She's got no one to talk to.
Boom.
Mrs.
Mac, your mom- together.
Could be the perfect situation.
Come on.
They could be like The Golden Girls.
A couple of old ladies getting together, chasing men, eating cheesecake.
- That'd be cool.
- Sure.
Whatever.
I'm loving that idea, but my mom's gonna be a tough sell, man.
Uh-huh.
I'll talk her into it.
Oh, it popped back out.
- What the hell are you doing? - What? - What the hell are you doing? - Oh, I went to the health food store.
I just grabbed a whole bunch of shit.
It's supposed to boost my immune system.
I'm not gonna miss that show, Frank.
I'm a Grobanite.
Grobanites don't miss shows.
Josh Groban comes to town, and we consider it a call to action.
What you're saying is very dorky.
Nevertheless, I brought you some stuff - a little bit of care package here.
- Why? - I want to make you well.
I got you coffee, I got you some Mexican peanuts I got you some candy.
I got you a Stud magazine.
What's your angle? What are you doing? Deandra.
We have to take care of each other.
I'm gonna take care of you now, but when I'm old and sick, you have to take care of me.
What? No! No, I'm not doing that.
Absolutely not.
You're on your own.
That - You okay? Yeah? No? It's down? It's going? It's going? Open up.
Put your head back.
Oh, God! Oh, God.
I got it.
All right.
Well, you know what? You should go relax.
You should go rest now.
Good.
Look, I'm gonna do everything you need.
Anything you need, I will do it.
Just make believe I'm your slave.
Okay.
Do my laundry.
- Done.
- All right.
I'm gonna go rest.
- All right.
- Don't bother me.
No, no, no, no.
I'm gonna be as quiet as a mouse.
- You just rest, honey.
- Uh-huh.
Okay.
All right.
Well, ladies, I know this is a lot to digest, and that's why I'm here - to act as an unbiased negotiator in the process and to sort out any problems or concerns.
Essentially, just to make sure that you're both comfortable with this new arrangement.
- I don't want to live with her.
- Oh, Mom! Why not? - She smells.
- I know she smells.
- Okay, you can't talk about my mom like that! - Okay.
You don't smell, and you look beautiful, okay? I think what Charlie's mom is trying to say is that Mrs.
Mac has a unique and earthy fragrance.
I smell like shit.
Okay, Mom, don't put yourself down, okay? We talked about this.
Perhaps we could get Mrs.
Mac some perfume? Oh, yeah.
That's not a bad idea.
Mrs.
Mac, what do you say? What better way to kick off this new relationship than with a new fragrance? Stop talking to me like I'm an asshole! - She can't smoke in here.
- I know, Mom.
Uh - Okay, okay.
Well, that's- Now, Mrs.
Mac, I would never ask you to give up tobacco but what if you were to switch to some sort of smokeless tobacco alternative? - I know that grunt.
She's open to it.
- Okay! So what do we say we do a little bit of a trial run tonight? Let's see what happens, and then we'll take it from there.
Okay.
- That means absolutely.
- Okay! - Oh, sweet.
- Okay! - Great, great, great.
So, last step - Dog's tied up outside.
I'll grab him, bring him inside, and then I'll be on my way.
No.
No! No dogs.
Charlie, tell them.
Okay.
She is terrified of animals eating her face off.
I don't want a dog to eat my face, Charlie! - She doesn't want a dog eating her face.
- Well, you know what? That's not a problem.
We'll take the dog- you and I.
Oh, I think what Mac is trying to say is not that we'll take the dog - I'm saying exactly what I want to say.
What Mac's trying to say now is that you're taking the dog.
What Charlie's saying is correct.
We're taking the dog.
- We're not taking the dog.
- You're taking the dog.
It's not going to eat my mother's face off.
It's coming home with us, Dennis, so just accept it, all right? All right, all right, all right! Fine.
- We'll take the dog.
- Calm down.
Laundry's done! Uh, those white shorts on top? That's part of my outfit for tomorrow, so why don't you go and run an iron over those? Ooh! Hey, very whitey white.
- Uh, you're not ragging it, are you? - What? Gr - - Gross, Frank! Come on.
- You still get periods? What are you doing? Stop asking me that.
What? Gross! Come on.
- I'm trying to bond with you.
- That's how you bond with me- asking if I still get periods? What's that stuff you're putting on? That's beautiful.
What is it? Self-tanner, for tomorrow.
Got to look good for Groban.
The, uh, tan's gonna make the white in the outfit pop the white's gonna make the tan pop.
Josh Groban likes his ladies to pop, so - Hey, hey, hey, hey! Look who I brought.
It's Poppins! - Yeah.
- Oh, God.
- That's Poppins? - Ooh, yeah! - He's still alive? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
I figured he could keep you company while you're sick.
- Dog looks like a gargoyle.
- Yeah.
He smells like piss.
- Does it? Uh-oh.
Is he dying? - No, no, no, he's fine.
You're gonna want to keep him away from that cream, too, 'cause he'll eat that shit.
He ate a whole bottle of shampoo at our apartment earlier.
He loves shit like that.
- Wow.
Sounds great.
- Yeah.
- Thanks for bringing him over, yeah.
- He's a great dog.
I'm gonna finish this up in my bedroom.
Frank, make me another juice, 'cause I feel like that green stuff's really working.
- You got it.
- Great.
So, you'll keep the dog here, and then, uh - What are you doing, Frank? What's going on here? Trying to score brownie points with your sister.
I mean, I need somebody to take care of me when I'm old and sick.
Jesus.
You're still worried about that? Why don't you check yourself into a nursing home? You have the money.
I'm not gonna put myself into one of those crypts.
As soon as you drop the soap, they rape your butt.
- What? - That's what happens.
Mac told me.
God! You people have a very strange conception of what goes on in nursing homes.
Frank, green juice, now! The bitch is driving me crazy! She's not even sick anymore.
I support your plan, Frank, insofar as it insures that I won't have to take care of you when you get older but you're going about this all wrong, honestly.
- How do you mean? - Well, for one thing, she's in her apartment.
She's comfortable here.
She's on her home turf.
She's got all of her amenities.
She feels good here.
She doesn't need you here.
You need to thrust her into a hostile environment so that she needs you to protect her.
- I should dump her under the bridge! - Dump her under the bri - No, don't dump her down by the bridge.
What are you talking - No, you need to be there, Frank.
That's the whole point of this.
Just take her to your apartment.
Now, secondly, if this is gonna work then she's gonna need to feel more than just a tickle in her throat.
So, if she's not feeling sick, well then we're just gonna have to make her feel sick.
- You're good.
- Well, I'm a fixer, Frank.
- You're good.
- That's what I do.
Dennis, listen.
We should hang out more together.
Yeah.
Stop trying to bond with me.
- They're not even talking to each other.
- My mom's not very verbal.
I know, but they haven't even touched their cheesecake.
I feel like if you and I were in a room with a perfectly good cheesecake all sorts of conversation would start happening.
Oh, Charlie, the funniest thing happened today when I was doing the laundry.
Mom, no, not me.
You got to talk to her, okay? Don't talk to me.
Pretend like we're not even here, Mrs.
Kelly, okay? - Go gossip.
- About what? Maybe you were at a supermarket one time, and you met a cute guy and you were feeling saucy and then you wanted to go back and talk to your friend, Sophia.
So you're like Blanche, and she's like Sophia.
So, go ahead.
I don't go to the supermarket.
The shopping carts are dangerous.
Shopping carts are not dangerous, Mom.
There's nothing dangerous about a shopping cart! Let's try a new tack.
Everybody, calm down.
This isn't working.
All right.
TV's going off.
Boom! Okay! That's good! You guys are roommates now, so maybe you can get to know one another.
- I'm hot.
- My mom's hot.
I'm hot too.
I got to be honest.
I'm hot as well.
Can we turn the fan on? Okay, well, the fan is broken.
It hasn't worked for years.
Oh! Oh, okay! That's good! My mom's very good with her hands.
Maybe she can fix it.
- Oh, yeah? - Mom was the manager at Jiffy Lube for many years.
- I never heard about this.
- Yeah, well, she doesn't like to brag.
It's not her style.
But she started at the bottom, worked her way to the tippy top.
There's only three people working at Jiffy Lube.
It's not really a high climb.
Well, please don't diminish my mother's achievements, okay? Don't get too excited about your mother's achievements.
Mom, do you want to take a look at that fan and see if you can fix it? What was that? It means, "Not right now, but there's a possibility that I could get to it tomorrow.
" See, the problem is, once that sun goes down you're not gonna get this woman to do anything, 'cause she thrives on sunlight.
She seems like she's never been in sunlight.
Oh! - That's nasty.
- Oh, Charlie, she's spitting into my porcelain.
Okay, well, that makes you mad.
Take it up with her! - Have a conversation with her.
- Everybody, can we just- Let's relax for a second.
Maybe I can get you, like, a beer bottle.
Would that be okay? An empty beer bottle to spit in? Yeah? Okay, having fun.
# Thank you for being a friend # # Traveled down the road and back again # - # The heart is true # - You gotta stare at her.
- # You're a pal and a confidante # - Don't look at me! - # And if you threw a party # - Turn your head.
# And invited everyone you knew, ooh-hoo # # You would see the biggest gift would be from me # # And the card attached would say # Look at her! - She's zonked.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When she wakes up, she'll be really, really cold, so you just give her this blanket.
You know, give her some more juice.
- Just be a dad to her.
- Oh, this is so boring.
This is bullshit.
I mean, God - I mean, how long do I have to do this for? We've been here for, like, an hour, Frank.
You're the worst dad.
Groban! - Ooh.
She's up.
- I'll come find you.
Okay.
Daddy's here.
Take it easy, honey.
Okay, honey, don't get up.
Stay right where you are.
- Gotta go to the show.
- Don't go by the knives.
- Let me backstage.
- She thinks she's going backstage.
You sing so good.
- Honey, you want a blankie? I swaddle you, baby.
- I'll get to you.
- No, tomorrow night.
That's not tonight.
- You sing in my ears.
- I love you when you sing.
- She thinks she's going to the concert? - I don't know.
She's walking.
- She's in a zombie state.
She's going to bounce off all the walls.
- I've never seen anything like this.
It's incredible.
- She's going outside.
Ooh, she's going to hit the skateboard.
Ooh.
- Wow.
Did you see that? - She's like Mr.
Magoo.
- Ooh.
- Oh.
Magoo never made that mistake.
One, two, three.
Good night, honey.
Good night, Mac.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
- Mrs.
Kelly? - Yes? Why are you doing everything in threes? Oh.
So Charlie doesn't die.
- What? - One, two, three.
One, two, three.
- That's crazy.
- Bat-shit crazy.
I don't know, dude.
What do you want me to say? The woman's out of her mind.
Hey! Get the hell - - Is she waking up my mom? - No! No, Mom! My mom does not like to be woken up, Mrs.
Kelly! - Shit! Get out of my room.
- Oh! Just one more.
One more.
- One, two, three.
- Get out of here, goddamn it! - Whoa.
Whoa.
- Mom, go to bed! Oh, man, that was close.
Now you see where I get my temper, huh? Yeah, one, two, three.
One, two, three.
Huh.
- What are you doing? - Huh? - What was that? - Ah, you know, just playing it safe.
She's been doing it.
I'm still alive.
Can't be crazy.
- Yeah, no, that's very crazy.
- One, two, three.
One, two, three.
- It does feel good to do stuff in threes.
- Okay, you know what? I'm pulling the plug on this whole thing, all right? - 'Cause this and this- this has gotta stop.
- You're right.
Tomorrow morning, I'm getting my mom out of here.
Let's just go to bed.
- This has not been a good situation.
- Let's go to bed.
- This one look off to you? One, two, three.
- No, it's fine.
It's fine.
Hey, guys.
We got some bagels and coffee.
One, two, three.
What do you think that's accomplishing? Here you go.
Oh, Mom.
Where's your chewing tobacco? You know Mrs.
Kelly doesn't like the smoke.
Oh, the ceiling fan is gonna push all the smoke outside the windows.
Oh, yeah? Oh, she's fixing the fan? See? I told you, dude.
My mom is very handy.
Oh.
The Muslims are back.
Where do you think they're coming and going from? Damn foreigners! They ain't American, I don't want to know 'em.
- I know.
I wish they'd all go back to the desert.
- Yeah! - So it does seem like they're bonding, right? - Yeah.
It's not really a Golden Girls-type conversation.
It's, like, a racist conversation, but - Where the hell is my damn screwdriver? I'm wiping all the germs off for you.
Quit cleaning my damn tools, and sit your ass down! Huh! Shit, dude.
We might want to even consider bringing Poppins back into this mix.
It does seem to be working.
- Like it? - Ooh! Yes, I do.
Please don't hit me.
I have sensitive skin.
Let's just find the dog, and we'll talk about it there.
- Okay.
All right.
Let's just let them be, though, huh? Good morning, sleepyhead.
- What? - Yeah, you're all tied up.
It's for your own safety.
- Yeah, you took a dinger down the stairs.
- Ooh, big-time.
You guys untie me right now! Okay, I'll untie you if you promise to remember that I took care of you good.
Remember that, 'cause Frank took really good care of you - So you're gonna have to take care of him.
- What are you talking about? I feel way worse now than I ever did.
What is going on with my face? - It's the bedbugs.
- Oh! But that'll last a little while, but it'll go away eventually.
Get that dog off me! The dog stinks! - Get the dog off me! - Fair enough, fair enough.
Poppins, let's go.
- Come on, dog.
- Hop up, Poppins.
Come on.
Oh, whoa.
Oh, I think Poppins got into the juice.
- What? - Oh, no.
- What juice? - Oh.
He's ice-cold.
- He's dead? Poppins is dead? - Yes! He's dead! - Why would he be dead from the juice? - We killed Poppins? Oh, shit! Oh, my God.
Mac's gonna have a fit, dude.
I drank a lot of that juice.
I remember that very clearly! - I have an idea, Frank.
Fixer's always got a fix.
- Yeah, what? This is gonna work.
This is a good idea.
Grab Poppins.
Let's go.
- Take the dog? - Grab the dog! What was in the juice? Okay, hold on.
Before you go, untie me.
- You stay right there, Deandra.
- Just real quick, you guys.
You guys, I got Groban in the park.
- I got a dead dog over here.
- I got Groban in the park! Untie me! What was in the juice? - One, two, three.
- One, two, three.
Charlie, I think you're right, dude.
I feel better about this.
More in control.
Yeah.
- Yo, what's happening? - What's happening, guys? Hey, I was just- We were hanging out, uh, in the alley, going for some air.
- What's going on? - Yeah.
- What are you guys doing? - Cool.
We're actually looking for Poppins.
Yeah, we're gonna bring him back over to Charlie's mom's house.
- They're gonna live together.
- Oh, Poppins? - What happened to Poppins? - He w- He, uh - - You saw him.
- Yeah, might've been - - Why are you guys acting so weird? - Yeah.
Why are you - Why are you looking at that trash can? Uh, nothing special about it.
I don't know.
- What was in that trash bag? - Poppins.
- What? - Well, he ate a lot of cold medicine, and he croaked.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, he got into some cold medicine.
Sorry.
So you threw him in the trash? - What are you gonna do, send him to the moon? - Right.
I mean, come on.
No, I want to have a proper burial for him.
That seemed proper enough for Poppins, you know? Oh, no.
He's fine.
- What? - He's fine? - Yeah, he's just in here chowing down on a diaper.
- Hey! Look at him.
- Look at- That dog was - Come on.
Hey, good boy.
That dog just does not die.
- No, he does not.
- Wow.
- Oh, there he goes.
- Ah.
Don't worry, guys.
He will be back.
Yeah, well, let's hope not.
Bon voyage, Poppins! Have a good trip.
- Back to the bar, or what? - Yeah.
- Yeah, sure.
- Let's grab a drink.
Yo, Frank, it's Artemis.
Have you seen Dee? I'm backstage with Groban, and the party is pumpin '.
Look, if you see that "beeyatch," tell her to get her ass down here 'cause Groban's feeling frisky and somebody's gotta tap that ass.
- Oh! Oh, no! - Suck you later.
No! No! Groban! No!