My Family (2000) s06e06 Episode Script

(Soft shuffling) Oh, hello.
Night Of The Living Dead.
He's sleepwalking again.
Don't wake him.
The shock could kill him.
Alfie! Wake up, for God's sake! Alfie! Ooh.
Billie Jean Ooh! (Mutters) Aow! He's obviously going through a Michael Jackson phase.
Follow him, Ben.
Make sure he doesn't hurt himself.
Remember, Michael, if the other boys are too rough, you can come home.
It's a Cadet Officer Training Force weekend.
It's supposed to be rough.
I'm expected to survive by eating my own liver.
- I thought you hated liver.
- He hates your liver.
Don't worry about me, Mum.
I live for the wild.
Anyway, it's only for a weekend.
Oh, what a shame.
Is it? By the way, your camouflage isn't working.
I can still see you.
If we were in the jungle, I could rip your heart out and show it to you.
What heart? If he likes the weekend, he'll be going off to join the Army.
And you're the last one.
Your problem is? You can leave some stuff here, Janey.
No, Mum.
I want to get it all over to my flat.
- So I never have to come back here.
- Works for me.
You should streamline, Janey.
I can fit everything I need for one weekend in this bag.
- What's in there? - Compass, hunting knife Dad's credit card.
I've told you about stealing from my purse.
Right.
I'm off.
My babies are all going.
Susan, they're not your babies any more.
They're just drains on our disposable income.
I'll miss all this.
I leave a callow youth but I shall return a seasoned warrior.
- Shall I record The OC for you? - Yes, please.
So Michael gets to kill without feeling and we get the house to ourselves, so everybody's happy.
Yes.
Everybody's happy.
(Janey) Well I've got another big lot of heavy stuff to get down from the attic.
Could do with a hand.
This paper's not gonna read itself.
Oh, Ben.
They're all disappearing.
Mmm.
Even Alfie won't be here this weekend.
Good.
Well, you've still got me.
Oh, brilliant.
There's a three-hour documentary on World War II.
I don't want to spoil the plot but we win.
Oh, Abi.
Say you're going to be around this weekend.
Sorry.
I just got to Roger's house and I remembered he was picking me up.
Why do relationships have to be so complicated? They just are, Abi.
Get over it.
What a loss to the Samaritans you are, Ben.
So you're staying the night at Roger's? Good.
The big night has finally arrived, has it? Not half! We're having a Lord Of The Rings sleepover.
Roger's got the box set of the trilogy.
We're going to watch all four.
- Right.
- That'll be nice.
So that's all Roger's planning to do? Yes.
Unless you can think of something more fun that two adults can do together.
Doesn't Roger ever want to do anything else except watch films about elves? No.
No, he doesn't.
- Hang on.
You don't think Roger's? - Gay? I was going to say "an elf".
- Why'd you say "gay"? - Yes, Ben.
Why did you say that? I I meant happy, as in gay-happy.
Gay-happy, you know.
Why do people change words? It's political correctness gone mad.
Hello! Hope you don't mind me coming round the back.
- I'm saying nothing.
- Susan.
Hello, Ben.
You're looking trim.
Have you been working out? - I'm ready, Roger.
- And you look wonderful, Abi.
Thank you, Roger.
That's a lovely thing to say.
- Is this chenille? - Let's go.
It's so tough letting go, Ben.
Yeah.
It's been pretty tough hanging on.
Suddenly the house seems so big so empty.
No more mouths to feed.
No one to talk to.
Come on, darling.
I'm still here.
And we talk all the time.
You're right.
Let's talk now.
Now? OK.
Um - I'm not in the mood, Ben.
- OK.
- Talk.
- Talk.
Let's face it, Ben.
This isn't going to work.
Hey, don't give up so soon.
We'll find something to talk about.
I mean, there's always a stray dog.
- Oh, stray dog.
- How the hell did that get in here? Hello.
Who's a lovely boy? Come on, out you go.
Come on.
Go next door.
They've got cable.
We can't throw him out, Ben.
He hasn't even got a collar.
He's a stray.
There is no dress code.
Yes, you're a lovely boy.
Yes, yes, you are.
Are you hungry? Oh, I bet you are.
Why don't I give you some lovely goulash? - Come on.
- Good idea, Susan.
That'll get rid of him.
Oh, so now you're in the mood.
Ooh.
You really are in the mood.
Mmm Oh, my God.
My God You breathe a word of this to anyone and I'll deny it.
Morning, my Precious-s-s.
Morning, Legoland.
Lego-las.
Legolas.
Oh, Roger.
You've got a mime for every character.
Play your cards right and I'll do my "Gimli, son of Gloin" later.
I can't wait for the next leg of our marathon.
Whoa, whoa! First, I'm going to whip you up a smashing breakfast.
Eggs Roger.
It's like Eggs Benedict but instead of using spinach, I use creamed leeks with just a soupcon of cinnamon.
Haven't you got any Frosties? Would Audrey Hepburn have Frosties at Tiffany's? I don't think so, Abi.
Alien, Aliens, Goodfellas.
Hm! Gay? As if, Ben.
Gone With The Wind Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert The Sound Of Music! Mocha-chocaccino or chai tea latte? This can go This is hideous.
What on earth made me buy this? - You didn't, I did.
- Makes sense.
Ugh Janey, Janey, no, no.
What are you doing? - What? - That's Mr Tibbs.
Mr Tibbs has been in our family for decades.
Grandpa gave you this when you were four and had chickenpox.
Yeah, but he's so old and manky.
You shouldn't throw things out just because they're old.
Look at your father.
If you don't want him, I'll have him.
- Dad? - The bear.
Where did that dog come from? (Ben) The bowels of hell.
Thankfully, he's not staying.
Your mother's been in touch with the police.
- Haven't you, darling? - I've just got to go and get dressed.
I'm taking Ben for a walk.
Ben? When did you start calling him Ben? When he started scratching himself inappropriately.
Sit! What are we going to call you? I can't keep calling you Ben.
Too many negative connotations.
- What can we call you? - In Korea they'd call him dinner.
Thank you for that, Ben.
- Hello, everyone.
- Alfie.
What happened to you? I was beaten up by Liam Gallagher and Liam Gallagher and Liam Gallagher He's concussed.
I was in town auditioning for an Oasis tribute band.
I was queuing up with some other potential Liam Gallaghers when a fist fight broke out.
- So you didn't even audition? - Turns out that was the audition.
Oh, you've got a dog.
He wandered in from the street and now we can't get rid of him.
- Ring any bells, Alfie? - What's that? - He wants you to take him for a walk.
- How do you know that? - I'm a bit of a dog whisperer.
- Oh, get off.
- I'll take him for a walk.
- No, no.
He wants Mr Harper.
Get out.
I've got a date with a thin-crust Hawaiian pizza.
I thought that at first, but he grows on you.
Susan! Susan! - What's the problem? - Your dog has taken my pizza.
- Out of the oven? - Obviously.
He can't open the oven door.
He's a dog, not Ainsley Harriott.
If he didn't take it, who did? Actually, on the farm, we had a dog who could drive the tractor.
Well, it looked liked he could.
Turned out the accelerator was just sticking.
Ended up demolishing the only existing Norman church in Betws-y-Coed.
It was really, really funny.
I'm sorry.
Can we please focus on my pizza? What's that, little fella? He says he hasn't had your pizza, Mr Harper.
He doesn't even like pineapple.
And I believe him.
That wouldn't stand up in a court of law.
You Right I'm off to the pub.
Could you drop off Janey's stuff at the charity shop? What a rich tapestry my life has become.
Michael, you know I'm lactose intolerant.
Don't worry, Hubert.
Next recce 1900.
I saw some tofu in the fridge.
How about I put some music on? Let me guess.
Will Young? Why would I put on Will? Abigail Harper, you don't think I'm? a fan of Pop Idol? Then what are you going to put on? Bronski Beat? Kylie? Kylie? What are you talking about? Oh my God.
Abi You think I'm gay? I'm sorry, Roger.
Forget I said anything.
How can I forget it? The genie is out of the bottle.
Roger, where are you going? Mykonos.
Isn't that where we all go? Ah, what's the time? Oh, yes.
It's beer o'clock.
What the?! That bloody dog! I want to talk to you.
If you talk to Alfie, you can talk to me.
Have you had my beer? Let me smell your breath.
I won't be doing that again in a hurry.
Come on.
Where do you live? He says he's already told you.
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to him.
- What did you say? - He says he's not repeating himself.
- You tell me then.
- I wasn't here, was I? - Have you seen Mr Tibbs? - What? The teddy bear.
I was going to give him to Kenzo.
- He says he took it.
- What? Oh, that.
The little teddy.
I gave it to the charity shop like you told me.
- You gave Mr Tibbs to the charity shop? - I gave Mr Why does no one understand me today? Mr Tibbs has been in our family since our grandfather's time.
Isn't it time someone else had a go? I don't expect you to appreciate the sentimental value.
I know that part of your brain has atrophied.
But that bear was an original Von Kernig, worth hundreds of pounds.
But What like like 200? He says more.
I'll get my coat.
Oh! One word, Janey, and I'll snap your neck like a twig.
Could you open this for me, please? Well, if it isn't GI Jane! What? What are you doing here? Classified information, Janey.
If I told you, I'd have to k Ah! Ow! OK.
My unit's skiving off our survival mission and hiding in the loft.
- Please don't tell Mum.
- Why didn't you just say so? Like I care about your juvenile army games.
Thanks, Janey.
Shh.
Hello, boys.
Oh, Roger.
You didn't go to Mykonos then.
With my colouring? Are you mad? I'm so glad you've come back.
I was worried sick since you flounced out in that hissy fit.
- You should be wearing a coat.
- Men like me don't need to wear coats.
- You're frozen.
- Yes.
I'll stand by the radiator.
Roger, I'm really sorry about what I said.
You'll always be my friend and I don't care if you're gay or not.
- I'm not.
- Thank God for that.
Listen, Abi While I was out walking, I came to a momentous decision.
Oh, yeah? Something that might change our lives forever.
What's that? Sometime tonight, I'm going to I am going to - I'm going to - Spit it out, Roger! I'm going to kiss you.
Ooh.
That'd be nice.
It's going to be warm and wonderful and tender and spontaneous.
Really? When's that gonna be? If I tell you, it'll rather spoil the spontaneity.
I suppose.
Not now.
I haven't warmed up yet.
Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
We've just closed and I've cashed up.
It's OK.
You don't have to open the till.
I came to rectify a mistake I made earlier.
- Oh, yes? - Yes.
I came by this afternoon with a box of my little girl's bits and pieces.
And a teddy bear, Mr Tibbs, fell in accidentally, by mistake.
Och, yes.
I remember.
Bedraggled wee animal.
More thready-bare than teddy bear.
- Would this be yours? - Lovely.
Oh, yeah.
Great.
She'll be so relieved.
She was inconsolable when she found it was missing.
Floods of tears.
You know what six-year-olds are like.
Would this be hers too? They grow up so quickly, don't they? So where's Mr Tibbs? I have him safe and sound right here.
- Yes.
That's it.
Thank you.
- How much are you going to pay? Pay? Oh, yes.
Right.
Oh, a donation.
Of course.
Yes.
Um What do you want? Five? Ten? Five? How about 300? - It's a moth-eaten old thready-bare.
- 350.
It's only the decades of dried drool holding it together.
Don't play games with me, sunshine.
It's a Von Kernig.
We all watch Antiques Roadshow.
- I'm speechless.
- And I'm closing.
- Do you want him or not? - I Susan! Susan! Do you know how much this piece of tat? Oh, hello.
Oh, yes.
Of course you know how much an original Von Kernig is, don't you? You told me.
Are you comfortable in your new basket? Good.
Plenty of blankets? Good.
Food and water? Fine.
What sort of newspaper would you like in the morning? I've seen popes living in worse conditions.
Oh, but you must have been so frightened.
Just here on your own.
Yes, you were because look what you've done.
Oh, you naughty little boy.
You've had a little accident on the floor.
What's Susan going to say? I'm sure she'll clear it up.
She won't mind.
But look at this Dear, oh dear.
You've been scratching the table leg.
She's not going to like that very much, is she? No.
You have been a naughty dog, haven't you? Look at this.
What's she going to say when she finds you've been chewing her slipper? Grrr-rr! Eh? She's gonna go off her bloody trolley.
You know these are her favourites? She's not going to be very pleased with you.
- It was the dog! - Why is my slipper in the blender? - It wasn't me.
I was taking it out.
- You were trying to frame the dog.
You're an insecure, jealous man.
I got the teddy bear.
Well done.
Maybe we can sell it to pay for your psychiatric bills.
(Doorbell) You get that.
Before you try to implicate the dog in the Kennedy assassination.
- Yes? - Mr Harper.
- So am I.
- What? - What do you want? - Sorry to intrude upon your evening but one of my grunts is missing.
- Try a high-fibre diet.
- Are you trying to confuse me, sir? Yes.
Is it working? - Somewhat.
- Good.
What was I saying? I've lost my thread.
- Who's this? - Staff Sergeant Wragg, ma'am.
Military Police.
I'm looking for 384 Officer Cadet Harper.
- But surely he's with you? - No.
Sadly not, ma'am.
Him and his unit are on an initiative test requiring them to remain undetected for six hours.
- How long's he been away? - 18 hours.
That's three times more initiative than required.
The Army doesn't work like that.
Too much initiative is a short cut to chaos.
His unit will be facing charges when I find them.
- If you find them.
- Ah, it's not a question of "if", madam.
I have a sixth sense about these things.
(Sniffing) I can smell a soldier's sweat a mile off.
Your missing unit definitely isn't here, Sergeant.
We'd know.
Well I'd better report back to base.
No Wait, Sergeant.
Have you seen The Radio Times? It has full listings of all the programmes.
I am familiar with The Radio Times, madam.
Look.
Holidays In Bali.
Have you seen Balinese dancers? Ching-ching, ching-ching.
Very good.
Ching-ching.
Oh, and do you think this is a Balinese candle? I am a military Oh.
Is that jasmine, ma'am? Would there be a reward for information leading to their capture? - I wouldn't think so, sir.
- Shame.
It'd be nice to grass them up.
If we hear anything, we'll let you know.
OK.
At ease.
Left foot forward.
(Both) Michael! What? They expected us to remain undetected in a freezing, wet ditch.
I thought it made more sense to hide in the loft and charge them rent.
- That's real initiative.
- Sod the initiative.
Where's my beers? Mr Harper, Mrs Harper, come quick.
It's the dog.
He's not looking too clever.
I lost my favourite pig on a night like this.
I was so sad, I cried for three days.
Shut up.
You're really cheering me up.
On the up side, she was delicious.
- Alfie, please.
- Sorry.
I wonder if they have a chapel.
Or a snack bar.
- OK then, Abi.
- OK, Roger.
We'll do it on the count of three.
One Two Thr Is that on three or or after three? Which would you prefer? On three.
- Thr - No.
After three.
- Are you sure? - Sure.
If you are? I think so.
After you then, Abi.
One Two Oh, sod three, Roger! The poor dog's going to die and it doesn't even have a name.
How about Ben? Ben was good.
I wouldn't have named him after a man who tried to turn me against him.
That's unfair, Susan.
I would never have wanted to see him go down.
This is lovely.
While we're out here arguing, poor little dog is fighting for its life.
Um You don't think he's really going to die, do you? He wasn't breathing so well.
(Both panting) Wow! My whole life just flashed before my eyes.
I know what you mean.
I felt like somebody just walked over my grave.
But in a good way.
So what happens next? Oklahoma! Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
(Film music starts) I mean You know, as dogs go, he He had a nice way about him.
He likes you, you know.
- You think? - Yeah.
He follows you with his eyes.
Oh I just thought he was too lazy to get up.
Sorry if I appeared a little jealous.
I'm sorry if I got a little swept away.
It's just that One day you're spooning Calpol down their throats, the next you're harbouring their soldier friends in your attic.
What's Calpol? Never mind.
I suppose the dog was a way to hang on a bit longer to being a mother.
You're still a wife.
Don't spoil the moment, Ben.
He brought so much happiness.
Poor little chap wasn't even here long enough to get hair on his tartan blanket.
He certainly got plenty over our bed.
I only tracked his paw prints but I felt like I knew him.
He had a wonderful sense of humour.
Lovely timing.
I wasn't sure how I felt at first Who are we talking about again? The way he cuddled up to me.
The way he'd follow me with his eyes.
It'll be painful to look at his empty bowl.
- The way he'd follow me with his eyes.
- You said that.
The way he'd What? Oh.
What time will the owners get here? He seems as good as new.
Which is more than you can say for Mr Tibbs.
Yup.
That's a few hundred quid I'll never see again.
What's that? He says he's very, very sorry.
He'll reimburse you as soon as he has the funds.
That's nice.
(Doorbell) Hello, fella.
What do you want? He says he's forgotten his blanket.
It's easy when you get the hang of it.