Orange Is the New Black s06e06 Episode Script

1 [CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Wow.
That's real pretty.
The drawing's nice, too.
Thanks.
You must be feeling better if you're out here doing art.
Yeah, I guess.
So you're welcome.
No, I'm not welcome.
I didn't take your stupid pills.
Okay, tough girl.
Can I have 'em back, then? I dumped 'em.
Yeah, you did.
Straight down your sexy throat.
Hey, Daddy.
Barb wants to see you.
All right.
Thanks, babe.
Hey, Barb.
Hi, lamb chop.
Light bothering you again today? - Obviously.
- Right.
Just want you to know I care.
Oh, I know you care.
You're my Daddy-O.
That's right.
I got you.
So.
The rats.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hilarious.
[MIMICS RATS NIBBLING.]
- Thanks.
Thanks.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
What I woulda given to see the looks on their fuckwit faces, those cows.
Surprise, bitches! You got rats! - Mmm-hmm.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You really outdid yourself on that one.
It was epic No.
I mean, I think you really outdid yourself.
I don't feel good about this.
I don't know what's next.
And sometimes, I don't know why I keep you around.
You keep me around so you don't have to bother with the details.
Trust me, okay? Chatty Cathy distracted the COs, the rats were released, and bam, money.
Because of the rats, the suits think that C-Block was lazy and dirty.
So the warden will have to give us the cheese now.
Our people will have the good jobs.
It's been a week, chiquita.
Have you seen any jobs coming our way? 'Cause I sure haven't heard boo.
Oh, and some little cock-pocket called me "Babs" yesterday.
Fucking Babs? That is unacceptable.
You are losing control.
I'm not losing control.
You know who they're all gonna love even more once this all plays out? Their gal, Barb? Yeah, lady.
You.
And who loves you the most? Look.
[HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SCOFFS.]
This is the easiest money on Earth.
Look at that.
That's all he wants? [DADDY.]
Of course not.
Guys always want more.
But that's up to you.
If you wanna make more, you do more.
If not, you grab a drink, food, flirt and dance and call it a night.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You having a good time? - [SNORTS.]
What do you think? Here.
Yeah.
[SNORTS.]
[MAN.]
Yeah.
For real, you'll be fine.
So, are they all drug dealers? You think all Latin rich guys are Scarface? - [CHUCKLES.]
- They're businessmen.
Making bank off the other white powder Americans are addicted to.
See Alejandro over there? He owns a bunch of sugarcane plantations in Brazil.
Vanessa's only been hanging out with him for a few months, and she's already made enough to not work the whole school year.
What are you studying? Veterinary science.
What is that, like 300 grand by the time you're done? How many cats you gotta spay to pay that off? [CHUCKLES.]
So many cats.
Right? Or you can play with one horny rich guy.
One.
Come on.
[MOUSE CLICKING.]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
What's the point of knocking if you're not gonna wait? How did this happen? Do you mean how did rats infiltrate the cheese warehouse, or how did they get that rat into that tiny, little orange jumpsuit? There was rat shit in every shipment.
All you had to do was ensure a passably hygienic workspace.
You are in charge on the ground here.
- You could be - Fired? You're gonna fire me? Go ahead.
Say it.
Right.
If you were gonna fire me, you would have done it already.
I bet you're the type who sends a quick text when it's time to break up with someone.
Which might be the only thing we have in common, other than You know.
So you want my help, don't you? MCC's stock is in free-fall with the riot and the manhunt, and now losing Grace.
That cheese deal was offsetting the cost of housing a full quarter of our inmates.
I'm sorry, but those are PR and budget issues, squarely in the purview of corporate.
I am way downstream.
You know, for all of his character flaws, at least Joe was willing to work with me.
This should be a partnership.
Yeah.
Two points on that.
One, Joe would have done anything to get up your skirt.
And, two, that partnership ended in a riot, during which Joe pretended you were a mentally ill federal inmate.
So not exactly a model for productive collaboration.
Fine.
Can I at least sit here and brainstorm, then? Out loud? - You're not really asking, are you? - No.
But I will order Panera.
And if you want some control over what's headed downstream, maybe you can help me think.
I am gluten- and dairy-free.
All right, looks like you're next, babe.
He's really spending a quality two and a half minutes with each of us.
Oh, I'm not waiting.
I'm just here keeping you company.
- Oh.
Sweet.
- Mmm.
But isn't your vaginal health important to you? Because I know it's important to me.
I'm saving all of this for Dr.
Chin.
Frankly, I thought it was Dr.
Mouth that you were into.
But if it's Dr.
Chin you're digging Dr.
Chin is not a euphemism.
Dr.
Chin is a small Asian woman with an MD from Hopkins that doesn't take insurance, but she has a full herbal tea bar in her waiting room.
I'm gonna go see her when I'm out in nine months.
The time it takes to grow a new human.
Getting out will absolutely feel like being born again.
I'll probably still be here when you're at least a preschooler, maybe kindergartner.
That's nothing.
That's a blip.
So you're telling me to keep my Dr.
Chin up? Mmm-hmm.
And your Dr.
Mouth smiling.
Well, at least this color's nice on you.
[SCOFFS.]
Thanks.
Not sure I'm into the Florida crowd, but I'll be perfectly fine if I never have to wear khaki again.
You doing okay? Uh, not really.
[SIGHS.]
Honey, Max makes camp look about as scary as a church bake sale.
Yeah, well, I've seen some bitches go crazy over lemon bars.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- Florida, huh? Relatively drama-free, but also about as boring as a bowl of nothing.
I once watched a lady watch a spider for 40 minutes.
Damn.
Imagine what it was like for the lady watching you watch the lady watch the spider.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[LORNA.]
It's, like, the best secret.
Like, if everywhere you went, you just had a tiny, tiny kitten in your shirt pocket and nobody knew.
You could take it onto the bus, you could take it into the movies, and just, everywhere you went, it was with you.
But if you talked about it, then people would know.
- And it wouldn't be a secret.
- Yes.
That's true.
And people are always giving pregnant ladies discounts and letting them go to the front of the line.
[CHUCKLES.]
Maybe you should test your powers.
You are so right.
Hello.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh, I'm pregnant.
I was wondering, could I go in front of you? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, sure.
Go ahead.
Hold up.
Who said you could cut, Barfie doll? Oh, I have a secret.
I'm pregnant.
- I'm actually two people.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah.
And I contain multitudes.
Oh, come on, let her go.
We got a baby on board! Move aside, let her through.
Especially you.
Let's go, Kitten! [CHUCKLES.]
So how is this my job now? - I got promoted.
- To what? To not having to do this anymore.
Congratulations, you are now head of Rec.
Here's your uniform.
What First thing, you need to replace Chatty Cathy since she fake-died her way into the real SHU.
That was fake? Dude Wait.
Hang the fuck on.
What does this stupid radio show have to do with Rec? If it's not a job and it's not a punishment, it's Rec.
Oh, and the show needs to be informational and educationally oriented.
Here's a list of acceptable topics.
This blows.
Although it might get me more chances at Fantasy Inmate points.
You know what the Fantasy Inmate draft is? A slave auction.
[CHUCKLING.]
Well we're not enslaving anyone.
MCC is, but it's not like they're doing shit for us personally.
Think about it.
You price and trade people based on specific skills and traits, then you profit off their actions while you watch from the veranda.
The whole thing is morally reprehensible.
I'm sure there are good people on both sides.
Don't forget your ball sack.
Mommy, you're here! Oh, baby! Oh, it's so good to see your little face.
[SIGHS.]
Oh.
Lucy, why do you smell like [SNIFFS.]
feet? So this is the place, huh? This is the place.
You must be Aleida? That's right.
Mayelin.
Come in, I'll get the others.
[MAN SNORING.]
Who's that? I got you a doll.
[EMILIANO.]
She don't play with those no more.
Where's Eva? Sometimes she goes home with this kid after school.
What's his name? "His"? She got a fucking boyfriend? She's 12 years old.
[SIGHS.]
What's up with you two? Ain't you happy to see your mother? Are you here to get us out? I'm working on that.
- Bullshit.
- [ALEIDA.]
Hey! Don't talk like that.
What the hell do you know about it? Punk.
You little bastard.
- Stop that! - [ALEIDA.]
Hey! He fucking started it! - He did, the little shit! - Boys, go upstairs.
Can you people be quiet? I'm sleeping.
How many more brats you got living here? Just the two boys, your four and my daughter, Raquel.
And her screaming baby.
My granddaughter's teething.
And my brother's staying with us for a while.
You don't know how lucky these kids are.
Siblings almost never get to stay together.
But I took them all.
And I'm sure you're getting checks for them all.
Can I have a little privacy with my kids now, please? [SIGHS.]
So, uh What's going on with you guys? This, Mom.
This is going on.
Mommy, I want to go home with you.
Not today, baby.
But soon, I promise.
Okay? It's okay.
It's okay.
Hey.
Hmm? Take one.
They're healthy.
I'm gonna sell a bunch of these.
That's how I'm gonna get you back.
Eva don't need to be going to no boy's house.
And this one's all sad over here.
You need to take care of them.
Like you took care of us? Leaving us here in this shithole? What took you so long to come and see us? It hasn't been that long.
I've been trying to get a job and an apartment.
It's not as easy as you'd think.
'Cause you got a record.
Right, smartass.
So don't do no crime, and you'll never have to know what this is like.
I heard Daya's baby got adopted by some rich lady.
How do we get in on that? I don't even wanna go back with you.
Lucy does.
'Cause she don't remember what it's like livin' with you.
Daddy, how much longer is it gonna be? Asking for a friend? Well, yeah.
I'm asking for everybody.
And for me.
Bothering me ain't gonna make it come faster.
Now kick off.
How's your world, Hellman? What do you want? What do you think I want? Fiends be feenin'.
Maybe you should have thought of that before you blew up the pipeline.
- What? - The cheese.
The cheese has left the building.
Grace Grocer has pulled out like a sloppy teenager.
- What does that have to do with - Un-fucking-believable.
And what's Daddy short for, huh? Stupid? No cheese jobs, no cheese.
And by "cheese," I mean drugs.
How the fuck was I supposed to know you were bringing it in with the cheese? You weren't.
You were supposed to mind your own damn business and not fuck up a good thing.
Well, we'll have to find a new way in.
Fuck you.
If I do find a new way, D-Block's out.
You're out.
Now move away, inmate.
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
[MEN WHISPERING IN SPANISH.]
[FELIPE CLEARS THROAT.]
- Hey.
What's wrong? - Nothing.
All right? Don't worry about it.
[SIGHS.]
Oh.
[GROANING.]
Hey.
It was an accident.
- All right? I swear.
- Oh, my God.
Talia.
What the fuck, man? What the fuck happened? I don't know.
We were really into it, - and then - Shit, no.
- I don't know, she fell or something.
- Shit, girl What do you mean, "she fell"? Hey, I said I don't know! You know? She's shouting.
She won't cool out! And she's all fucked up! It's not my fucking fault! Yes, it is your fucking fault! Hey, you heard what he said.
It was an accident.
People are waking up.
Gotta get her outta here.
Fuck! No.
No.
We can't move her until everyone's gone.
Lock the door and stay inside here with her.
Don't let anyone in.
And you got to get out of here, man.
If anyone asks, you went back to the city late last night.
Go! [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[ERICSSON.]
Based on copious witness testimony, the US Attorney has charged you and four others with inciting the riot.
They allege that you created and maintained a secret riot bunker, and there's also evidence that directly implicates you in the kidnapping and false imprisonment of Officer Desmond Piscatella.
I've negotiated a plea deal for you.
If you admit to the riot charges, they're willing to drop everything else.
This is very good.
It will garner you the shortest possible sentence.
Do you understand? Ms.
Reznikov? This is not good.
This is not good at all.
Trust me, the lighter sentence for the charge of inciting the riot is I incited nothing.
Here's an insight.
This is complete khuinya.
"Bullshit.
" You have a family, yes? Three sons? The best chance you have of seeing them again is this deal.
In fact, I might call it your only chance.
Still ten years, but you can knock that down with good behavior.
This is wrong.
I'm being scapegoated.
It was a riot.
By definition, many, many people were involved.
I don't deserve this.
If you go to trial, you will not win.
Full stop.
You'll die in here.
[CRYING SOFTLY.]
All rise.
Court is now in session.
The Honorable Judge Roland Corcoran presiding.
I didn't do it.
I didn't kill nobody.
Tasha, listen to me, it doesn't matter.
The best legal advice I can give you is take the plea.
No offense, but if you gave the best legal advice, would you be the free lawyer? No offense, but being the free lawyer makes me an expert on how hopeless your case is if you take it to trial.
Don't do it.
In the matter of The United States v.
Tasha Jefferson, Ms.
Jefferson, how do you plead to the charge of incitement to riot? Guilty, Your Honor.
Ms.
Jefferson, do you know that by pleading guilty, you lose the right to a jury trial? Yes, Your Honor.
Do you give up that right? - Yes, Your Honor.
- [JUDGE.]
So entered.
In the matter of The United States v.
Tasha Jefferson, Ms.
Jefferson, how do you plead to the charge of murder in the second degree? [SIGHS.]
Not guilty, Your Honor.
[CHEERING.]
- [BANGING GAVEL.]
- [JUDGE.]
Order! Order! The plea of "not guilty" has been entered.
- [INDISTINCT WHISPERING.]
- A trial by jury will be set for The ACLU is apparently putting a legal team together to help you.
See? They believe in me.
Ms.
Jefferson, it's not that I don't believe you or believe in you.
It's that I believe you won't get the justice you're hoping for.
- But I do wish you the best.
- [SCOFFS.]
Stay strong, Tasha.
- [CHEERING.]
- [GAVEL BANGING.]
We're gonna fight this all the way.
- [BANGS GAVEL.]
- Order! Order! - [WOMAN 1.]
Black lives matter! - [WOMAN 2.]
Stay strong, girl! [YODELING.]
- [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
- Stop.
God.
Stop.
- That's your show? - No, that's my opening.
Then I do some Gregorian chant.
Sanctus Sanctus dominus deus sabaoth Some humpback whale moans [MIMICS WHALE MOANING.]
It's a full soundscape.
[STAMMERS.]
It's way too avant-garde for this crowd.
I mean, you gotta know your audience.
Next! I was really vulnerable with you just now.
I'm sorry.
I wanted it to work out, too.
- Oh, hey! What do you got? - [CHUCKLES.]
[SMACKS LIPS.]
All right, so welcome to our show.
I mean, my show.
And it's called DIY Fly, and we gonna show you I mean, I'm gonna tell you - how to look your best - [YAWNING.]
[SIGHS.]
Listen, we had mad followers on YouTube.
- I'm just not used to doing it without - The hot one, huh? It's, like, radio? Hot is in the mind on radio.
Well, her voice was hotter, too.
Next! Last menstrual period? Uh I'm really not sure.
It's been a while.
But, you know, with the stress of moving down here and all the riot craziness, I'm thinking, it's probably just a little off.
- You're 42? - You don't gotta say it like that.
- Any trouble sleeping? - This ain't the most tranquil place.
Mood swings? Well, my son Benny had brain surgery.
He's alive and everything, thank God.
Then I find out that I can't afford his physical therapy, so yeah, you could say that I am up and down.
Loss of libido? It's in a field somewhere, giving my freedom a blow job.
Look, it seems like all the symptoms of the change could also be symptoms of being incarcerated.
Huh? That's interesting.
Uh, anyway, there's really no way to tell if you're perimenopausal without running blood tests.
And I'm afraid another feature of incarceration is they won't allow me to do that.
Some other signs you can watch for are vaginal dryness and a redistribution of fat around your middle.
Great.
The best thing you can do is exercise.
It's a natural way to regulate your hormones.
There ain't exactly a Planet Fitness next door.
Have you seen The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest? There's a lot you can do in a cell.
Oh, and garbanzo beans.
I hear they're good, too.
Phytoestrogens.
Oh, God.
How am I smelling this? This shit stinks so bad I can smell it through my mouth.
Come on, cheese whizzes.
Get her done.
Wish I could help, but, uh, you know, the arm.
Yeah, you know, the laziness.
What's that, Mendoza? She said it's a shame we lost these jobs.
Yeah.
Uh, two dollars an hour is a lot more than no dollars an hour.
Ugh.
Maybe we can take some maintenance jobs from D-Block.
It only pays 12 cents, but that's also more than no dollars an hour.
Stop with the whining and the math.
Fuck D-Block and their shitty jobs.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know what I want? What? I want to make their shitty jobs even shittier.
I shit you not, I want to make their shitty everything shittier.
Shit's about to shit the fan for those shit-for-brains Shit-Blockers.
They're not gonna know what shit 'em! Yeah, they are.
That's the point.
Here we go.
I need volunteers to drop trou and shit on D-Block's nice clean unis.
I'll do it.
Thank you, soldier.
The, uh, naked part is not really necessary.
It gets me feeling more primal.
Fair enough.
[CHUCKLES.]
Gapman! Why don't you, uh, turn that frown upside brown for me, will you? [CHUCKLING.]
No.
No, I can't shit on command.
Straining can trigger a fatal heart arrhythmia in some people.
- That's what happened to Elvis.
- Please.
The CIA killed Elvis.
Just [MIMICS STRAINING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Like Kate Moss said, "Nothing tastes as good as shitting feels.
" Tell you what.
Anyone who does not want to shit on D-Block gets a Badison Surprise.
- A what? - You don't want it.
- It's - It's a fucking surprise for the cookies.
If you know all about it, why are you still standing there? Ah, I think we should stop 'em.
When D-Block finds out, the retaliation That could potentially sideline a lot of players.
Retaliation means multiple ten-point incidents, though.
Possibly too many to track, with witnesses.
There's a cost-benefit of widespread violence.
It's potentially nonoptimal.
Plus, there's no points for public defecation after what happened three years ago.
Yeah, but one of them might cry and rub her eyes.
Ah, bacterial conjunctivitis.
At two points per eye It would take a few days to present I'm playing a long game, Al.
Hey.
You're pretty.
What are you doing? I'm strengthening my pelvic floor to prepare for birth-giving.
You know, squeezy chi-chi.
That's kind of funny.
Listen, um, I'm looking for a cohost for my new radio show.
I really sparkle when I have someone to play off of.
We could talk about how to keep it cute in prison.
Exactly.
Being in prison is no excuse to let yourself go, girl.
Or, I know, we could talk about current events, like, "How come so many cabbies wear those turbans? Are they hiding bombs under there? Or just really greasy Arab hair?" - Well, um - Oh, my God.
I'm gonna be so good at this! And because I am the native English speaker, I will do most of the talking.
You know, now I'm thinkin' that we don't have the same vision.
Okay, you know who'd be great on the radio, right? Me.
Right, but, uh also, me.
Okay, I was raised on Howard Stern.
My consciousness is essentially half a dozen shock jocks locked inside of a sound booth.
I mean, I'm perfect.
I don't think Howard Stern is really the style I'm going for.
Ah, but why not? The only interesting ideas are heresies! Well, if you think that, then you're totally underestimating the power of fashion tips and gossip.
Ouch! What are you doing, did you lose something in there? I am bimanually examining your uterus.
How is it? Can it sustain life? How old are you? 38, 39? Every month counts now.
How much more time you got? A year.
Are you saying I can't get pregnant? - No.
No.
That's not what I'm saying.
- [SIGHS.]
What I'm saying is that you have a limited number of eggs, and they're deteriorating at an exponential rate right now.
So even if you got pregnant tomorrow, it would be considered a high-risk geriatric pregnancy.
"Geriatric"? Does that toto look old to you? It's tight as a That doesn't really have anything to do with it.
Look, you never know.
Geena Davis had twins when she was 48.
Who's that? A League of Their Own? Marjorie Prime? Thelma and Louise? Ah.
Telma y Luisa.
[SCOFFS.]
You're trying to inspire me by talking about a rape and murder movie that has a tragic ending? That movie was also about a particularly feminist futility and the impossibility of justice for women within a patriarchal court system.
[SIGHS.]
I am full of hope.
Well, if I am not mistaken, I am seein' some tell-tale scratchy-scratch over there.
Huh? Yeah.
They're strung out.
Hmm.
I just thought maybe they had that combination skin.
I wonder what kind of skin the baby's gonna have.
Hey, what's wrong? Come on.
That baby's gonna have great skin.
You know, supersoft baby skin.
Yeah.
I just wish that Vinnie had been there this morning at my examination.
[CRYING.]
He's not gonna be there to hear the heartbeat.
He's not gonna see that little pickle in the sonogram.
It could be a girl.
We won't find that out together, either! Please, Daddy.
I'm getting sick.
Where is it? It's coming.
Hang in there.
You're gonna be okay.
But what happened? What's the holdup? [GAGS AND COUGHS.]
Wow.
Okay.
Uh, that is repulsive.
Ugh! There's doo-doo feces everywhere! - Those Cunt-Block bitches! - This is so Badison.
You let 'em do us like this? Yeah, Daddy.
You let them wipe their asses on us! Uh-oh, smells like mutiny.
Yeah, it also smells like shit.
Do I gotta wear these? You know this is what it's like being a mom, right? There's shit everywhere, you're constantly doing laundry and you gotta protect your kid from the drug addicts on the corner.
Don't worry, Kitten.
Oh, we should worry, actually.
Nothing could destabilize this place like a massive outbreak of junkie logic.
Uh, people will kill to get high, and these people are already in prison.
You know? [BREATHES HEAVILY.]
Look, you and Kitten need to lay low until this fever breaks or the supply re-ups.
Oh, man, they baked it in.
This is huge disrespect.
Very, very big.
That's right.
They disrespected us.
And you know what else? What? They stole your high.
That's right.
You can thank C-Block for those shakes.
The guard who was bringing it in? They turned him.
- What? - Fuck them.
Don't it hurt when cunts take what's rightfully yours? - It is the worst.
- [DADDY.]
Yeah.
And don't it hurt when you're already in prison, you don't have your liberty, and some Cheese-Block chickenhead takes away your joy? - They can't do that.
- Bitches! Hey, be quiet.
And, fuck no, they can't do that.
- The bitches are going down.
- End the cunts! Death to C-Block! - [ANNALISA.]
That's right, Daddy.
- Okay.
Whoa! The fuck are you doing? We talked about laying low.
But what kind of animal takes a shit on a pregnant woman's clothes? I want a better world for this little one! Let me tell you something.
Nobody fucks with Daddy.
And nobody fucks with Daddy's girls.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Mmm, that feels nice.
- You're all tight up here.
Are you okay? - [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Yeah, girl, I'm good.
Shit! Don't fucking creep on me like that.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to snap.
You sure you're okay? You just seem kind of off lately.
Is it because Talia quit? No, no, it's all good, baby.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
But you wanna know something? Yes.
Tell me.
It can always get better.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah? And I just saw some shit go down in the laundry room.
And when I say "shit," I'm talking about literal shit.
- And the guards didn't - Okay.
You need to not give a shit about whatever shit goes down in the laundry, about what the guards do or don't do, and about anything that isn't this.
You and me.
Just be here, with me.
You're right.
Be here.
With you.
Yeah.
We have a wedding to plan.
[SIGHS.]
In four years, when I get out.
No.
No.
I don't want to wait four years.
Like you said, let's be here.
Let's do it here.
Now.
I don't want a fucking prison wedding.
Listen After the riot after what I saw today, and the general depravity of this place No matter what happens, I want to spend these next nine months with you as my wife.
I want you to be my wife, too.
But why get married if we're gonna be apart for so long? Because we're going to be apart for so long.
Why say yes if you don't want to just do it? - I do.
I just - Uh-huh.
- Nobody could come to a wedding in here.
- That doesn't matter.
We can have another one when we're out.
- A prison wedding, huh? - Yeah.
What would that look like, exactly? [PIPER.]
Oh Fuck! - Come on, it's Red.
- But what if she knows what I said? Come on.
I am instituting our first family rule.
"Go towards the problem.
" The Vause-Chapmans will deal with the shit head-on.
[EXHALES.]
[PIPER.]
Hi, Red! How are you? Did you hear something? I didn't.
Very funny.
[SIGHS.]
This slop is disgusting, but I'd like to eat it in peace if you don't mind.
I do mind.
You can't cut us out.
Why not? That's exactly what you did to me.
- What are you talking about? - No.
Red, let me explain.
You think I don't know you all sold me down the river? You think I don't know that's how it is in here? When you want something from me, you love me, I'm your mother, and I come through for you.
But when I need you, where are you? In the next room giving me up at the tap of a feather.
Okay.
Stop saying "you," because I was in medical.
If you're talking about Piper, she didn't know what she was doing.
She thought I was dead.
I didn't just think she was dead, Red.
I thought that it was your actions that got her killed.
I tried to warn you.
I tried to get the message to all of you.
Nicky was the only one who even spoke to me before throwing me under the bus.
Oh, so Nicky is off the hook? Nicky showed honor.
Oh, please.
Stop being so fucking arbitrary.
Okay.
I'm sorry that you feel betrayed.
I'm sorry for what I did.
You know where to find us.
[SIGHS.]
Jesus Christ.
Today's menu would be salt in the wound if there were any salt to be had.
What? They charge you with the riot, too? Yes.
You? But I did lock the doors.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, at least we can spend ten more glorious years together.
Actually they didn't give me any more time.
What? How is that possible? [SCOFFS.]
It's not like you even have a family to return to.
What do you know about me and who I have out there? Was I supposed to politely ask for a longer sentence? Leave me the fuck alone.
No problem.
[IN SPANISH.]
Selfish, nearsighted, crazy old lady.
[IN RUSSIAN.]
Selfish, traitorous pile of hair garbage! Point.
And flex.
And point.
Good.
And roll around.
That's it.
Remember, you're only as fit as your feet.
Let's do it again.
Point.
And flex.
And point.
Good.
And roll around.
That's it, ladies.
Let's keep going! Point.
And flex.
And point.
Good.
I thought this was supposed to be exercise, not some weird toe stretches.
I know, but it does feel kind of good.
[WOMAN ON TV.]
And point.
Good.
Roll around.
That's it.
Let's do it again.
- Oh, yeah.
- [SOPHIA.]
Mmm-hmm.
You're right.
[WOMAN.]
Remember, you're only as fit as your feet.
[ALL GROANING.]
Of course.
See? Everything is breaking down.
Hey! Quiet! I'm holding auditions over here.
We are entitled to one hour of exercise, and the VCR just broke.
Not my problem.
You got a whistle, so I believe it is your problem.
We need real exercise tapes.
Like Zumba or something.
[CHAMBAL.]
Yeah, or Tae Bo.
Richard Simmons.
Or at least Body by Jake.
Footrobics is real.
And there's also Awesome Ankles, Totally Toes, Happening Heels - [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
- That's enough! You guys wanna do some exercise? Why don't you use your fucking fit feet and walk back to your cells? Now! God damn it.
Who's next? All right.
Jesus.
[LUSCHEK GROANS.]
What's going on? Oh, I don't know.
My reproductive system is shutting down.
And I'm here.
Hey.
I'm here, too.
Okay, I think it's medical that's killing us.
Here, look.
Seriously? Where's your sense of integrity? You work for a shitshow embarrassment of a company, and your name and reputation are associated.
Okay, could you maybe lean out for a sec? Okay.
Here's an associated concept.
Associates don't do the shitty tedious parts.
They have eager underlings for that.
So look up some local university, find some marketing majors, and launch them at the PR problem.
Call it an internship with a billion-dollar corporation, a leader in the rehabilitation sector.
Pay them nothing.
Promise them school credit.
And take advantage of their genetic ability to manipulate the Internet.
Yes! That's genius! Do you see how we did that together? - [CHUCKLES.]
- [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, good.
It's my assistant.
Hi, Jared, I'm glad you called.
I have a project for you.
[JARED.]
Okay, but first, what do you want to do about Black Lives? What do you mean, "Black Lives"? The Black Lives Matter people? I texted you.
They're saying they're working with the ACLU and they want a statement about MCC's treatment of Tasha Jefferson.
Tasha Jefferson.
Right.
Okay, um No comment.
I mean, don't Don't respond.
Don't say, "No comment.
" Just, um Ignore that for now.
I, uh I will call you back.
- Okay, bye.
- [EXHALES.]
Oh, great.
Our stock went down another point.
Black Lives Matter is freakin' radioactive.
Since you have time on your hands, I need you to move Tasha to gen pop.
Three hours of paperwork.
I'll do it in the morning.
No.
You'll do it now so I can issue a press release.
Hashtag, ACLU.
Hashtag, Black Lives Matter.
Hashtag, winning the PR war so that MCC doesn't have to hire an expensive damage control firm.
Now! Or hashtag, you're fired.
And just buy the fucking coat! Hey! Hey, what are you doing? My bed.
- No, no, no.
- Yep.
Yeah.
That looks like it.
I told you.
I told you.
The shit! The shit! Can I write this into our vows? "Do you, Alex Vause, take this woman, Piper Chapman, to have and to hold through whatever literal shit she encounters?" Aw.
I mean You know you do.
I mean, you do, don't you? I do.
I doo-doo.
[CHUCKLES.]
But this isn't funny.
I just got shat on because I wouldn't shit on somebody else.
Then I'm winning at life partner.
[CHUCKLING.]
And it's gonna be okay.
[WHINES.]
[SIGHS.]
This is the perfect end to a sucky day.
Having a strange man check out my unscaped, ungroomed conchita.
[LAUGHING.]
Ay! "Conchita!" That's what you call your party room? For real.
My poozy hair is so long down there, it's like I got a Wookiee sleeping on it.
[LAUGHING.]
Mine ain't like that.
The muffro takes more of a horizontal approach.
I mean, I'm basically wearing a pubic short right now.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
A 4C pubic short.
Doc gonna be like - "Damn! Where it at?" - [LAUGHING.]
I'm gonna be, like, "Good day, sir.
My best to you on your journey! Watch out for teeth!" "Leave some breadcrumbs, so you can find your way on out!" [ALL LAUGHING.]
Sit.
Or should I say, "Shit," Madison? So you heard.
That'll teach your sister and those D-Block whores.
Fuck them, fucking with our jobs.
They want a war, I'll give 'em a war.
Barbara and her dyke squad tanked our entire business.
You think skid-marking their scrubs counts as returning fire? [SCOFFS.]
It's a start.
No.
I don't want to start anything.
I wanna end them.
Do you understand me? Or are you not the person I need right now? All right, I get it.
Shanks, not pranks.
[CHUCKLES.]
Are you waiting for a laugh? Get to work.
So, what do you do when your child breaks a rule? Let's talk about appropriate consequences.
What are some of the factors for you to consider when creating your Yo.
This shit is so fucking boring.
- [TEACHER.]
First - You think gordo here even has kids? I guess it's what we gotta do to get 'em back.
I heard the only thing they really care about - is the income and the housing situation.
- Mmm-hmm.
But still, they saying that I need to have separate bedrooms for the genders.
Who the fuck can afford a three-bedroom apartment in New York? - How many kids you got? - Six.
Yeah, well, good luck with that.
Yeah, but they're all boys.
And I figure I can sleep on the couch.
[CHUCKLES.]
[TEACHER.]
Excuse me, ladies.
I can only give you credit for this class if you're actually participating.
She was talking to me.
You ain't saying nothing I don't already know.
Ma'am, I don't know the particulars of your situation, but there's some reason your kids aren't with you.
And if you want to be reunited with them You wanna know the particulars? I will tell you the particulars.
The particulars are that my kids are living in a shitty gang-banging neighborhood with a shitty foster mother and her shitty brother that's probably a pedophile.
- Mmm-hmm.
- And a bunch of asshole foster kids.
So if everything's gonna be so shitty, my kids and the checks that come with them might as well be with me.
At this point, that's the State's call.
But trust me, the system is so overloaded that if you meet the minimum requirements, the Office of Children and Family Services will be happy to return your children to you.
Yeah, but probably not the checks.
- Do you have a job? - Yeah, I got a job.
You wanna lose weight with Nutri Herbal? Anybody? Come on.
I see a bunch of you could probably drop a few.
[CHUCKLING.]
Don't look away.
[WATER RUNNING.]
[DAYANARA.]
What's up with you? Hey.
You okay? [BREATHES HEAVILY.]
You been houndin' me every fuckin' day.
Now I'm asking, and you don't got nothing to say? It's okay.
You don't have to say anything if you don't want.
There's some bells you can't unring.
Yeah, I know that.
I've rung every bell.
I did take your pills.
And they helped.
I know.
So, thank you.
Your ass is gonna get wet.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
It's already soaked.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Yo, man, this ain't that cool.
How the fuck do you know where I live? Is your phone broke? [SCOFFS.]
I gotta know we're still good.
Yeah.
Don't sweat.
You don't gotta worry about me.
For your trouble.
Now you take care of me, I take care of you.
So [CHUCKLING.]
you got somebody new for me? What, like, tonight? Yeah.
I can do that.
Her.
You got it, boss.
Whatever you want.
Give me five.
I'll send her down.
[SIGHS.]
Amber! Get your stuff, baby.
Party time.
Yes.
So listen, I found a cohost I said yes.
You two, the show is yours.
Really? We ain't gotta, like, audition? Nope.
[SIGHS.]
- Comedy gold, right here.
- [BOTH SQUEAL.]
- Also, I can't take any more.
So - [BLACK CINDY CHUCKLES.]
Uh how is that gonna play on the radio? Brilliantly.
So [CLEARS THROAT.]
when do we start? Tomorrow.
4:00 a.
m.
- Gross.
- What? Price of fame.
Also, uh, they said keep it educational.
Now beat it.
I'm finally done here.
- No political commentary? - Thank you.
We got you.
We ain't gonna disappoint you! - [FLACA LAUGHING.]
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [VASILY.]
Hello.
- Vasily? I wasn't expecting you to answer.
Oh, hold on, Ma, let me get Pop.
Pop! No! Wait! I want to talk to you.
How are you? I'm I'm fine.
I'm fine, how are you? No, honey, tell me how you are.
Really.
Tell me everything.
How are my beautiful grandbabies? How is your life? Ma, is there something wrong? Vasily.
Your beautiful name.
I don't hear it enough.
Nothing is wrong, kotik, except that I haven't been focused on my family.
Look, Ma.
What do you mean, Ma? You're in prison.
[LAUGHS.]
Yes! And I fooled myself into thinking these women here were my family.
But they are convicts and traitors.
I've neglected you.
Only family is family.
Yeah, well, that's true.
I love you, Vasily.
Please tell your brothers I love them.
Tell each one like you mean it.
For me.
And Vasily? Yeah, yeah, Ma.
I'm listening.
Come visit your mother, huh? I'm all alone here.
Sure, I'll come visit you soon.
I got rugby this weekend Rugby? [LAUGHS.]
Be careful for your head, huh? And thank you.
You are a good son, Vasily.
So what's our name gonna be? Flindy? No, no, no.
I don't like it.
Blaca? Yo, my name is not actually Black Cindy.
- It's just Cindy.
- Okay.
But my Jew name is Tova! We could be Toca.
Or Or how about TocaTalk? TocaTalk! Mmm-mmm.
I'm not vibing with that.
Hey, I got it! Flava.
Mmm.
Max Flava! Yeah! - All right! - Come on.
[BOTH CHEERING.]
- [INMATES CHEERING.]
- That's right! Thank you! Coming to your airwaves Yeah! That's my girl, Taystee! That's the OG riot girl right there.
[CHEERING.]
Oh, shit! - [TAYSTEE.]
Hey, Cindy.
- Yo.
You finally out of Ad Seg! So you took a plea? Hell nah.
I'm going to trial.
People need to know the truth.
[INMATES CHEERING.]
Yeah.
Oh, shit! [CHUCKLES.]
- [INMATE.]
Riot girl! - [CHEERING CONTINUES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]