Rick and Morty (2013) s06e06 Episode Script

1
And in weird things in space news,
that mysterious "rift" is still there.
Not gone yet.
You remember that, don't you?
It's probably important.
Back to you, Tabitha.
Rick, Mom's working,
and Dad's still sleeping.
I'm I'm I'm gonna be late.
Yeah, yeah. I-I got you.
- Here.
- Holy shit.
I-Is the portal gun working again?
Yeah, pretty much.
Sometimes that happens.
Just get the keys.
It's actually been nice taking a break
from the portal travel stuff.
I-I've been racking up a lot
of high-school adventures.
- I have a process, Morty.
- Huh?
I'm fixing my portal gun, and
every time you bring it up,
it blocks my creative flow.
A-And then I'm forced to
take longer on purpose
just to train you to not bring it up.
Geez. Do you know what "projection" is?
- Do you?
- No.
I-I-I heard Mom use it.
Lord, no. He's here again?
Morty protocol, children.
Oh, what's it now?
Brain bugs? Space worms?
Have I been "The Faculty'd" again?
You guys don't have to
react like this every day.
Last time, the aliens made
me lick all the toilet seats.
That's right made me.
I see that look on your faces.
What did you do, ya tiny monster?
This isn't me.
The people demand to know
Do these visitors come in peace?
But first, "Peter's Pizza Corner."
What slice we reviewing today, Petey?
Cheese.
If these aliens want Earth,
they'll have to go through Egypt.
And they can ask mummies how that goes.
Mummy Mia!
Dinosaurs are back?
Monkeys went bald?
Shh!
Before we start
where are the rest of us?
Uh
They died. Uh
Long time ago.
Way before us. We didn't see nothin'.
But surely our ancestors must
have left some evidence behind.
Why is he nervous?
Because, uh, you're dinosaurs.
It's weird.
Thought you were dead.
Moving on, we, quote, "dinosaurs"
evolved here on Earth
until our technology was
planetarily harmonic.
That being the goal with technology.
After we achieved perfect
balance with Mother Earth,
our best and bravest left
to help other planets.
Over millions of years,
we've called many worlds home
and helped each one flourish.
Imagine our surprise upon returning
home to find our species extinct
and Earth now in the
care of you guys.
When we left, you were
basically squirrels.
Well, uh, we've come a long way,
and we We've buried
a lot more than nuts.
We've evolved past
nonconstructive criticism,
so let's agree you've done your best.
You're still alive.
But surely there was some
point between gunpowder
and something called Amazon Prime
that you folks had to think,
"Are we supposed to be running a planet?
Wouldn't we rather make
Marvel movies?"
How many Marvel movies have you made?
29, and 14 more on the way.
See, you love doing that.
And we love helping new
life-forms get their footing.
So now that we're back, we can
respectfully take it from here.
Now, hold on. If you've seen "Endgame,"
you know invasion is not something
Earth takes lying down.
This is not an invasion.
Besides, wouldn't you like to lie down?
Ugh. You must be exhausted.
Put your feet up, get more tattoos,
finish rounding out this
"Ant-Man" character.
Think of it like your Earth
concept of "vacation,"
- except permanent.
- I think I speak for all world leaders
when I say that the poor people
would just murder us
if we made you leave, so
welcome home, dinosaurs.
Oh. I could use a vacation.
- Should we nuke them?
- I'm on vacation, Curtis.
Well, you leaned into this fast.
- Zuniceratops ♪
-
Elvisaurus ♪
Bambiraptor ♪
- Erectopus ♪
-
- Dracorex hogwartsia ♪
-
- Gojirasaurus ♪
-
- Vulcanodon ♪
-
Sauroniops ♪
- Phuwiangosaurus ♪
-
- Those are real dinosaur names ♪
-
Ugh. I can't even pretend
to feel useful in a game.
This is how humanity's story ends?
Relieved of duty and
sat at the kids' table?
I gotta respect these dinosaurs.
They dominated a whole species
just by calling its bluff about
wanting more free time.
They didn't even dominate us
because we're not worth a fight to them.
We've become biological
Tyler Perry movies.
- All they've done is help.
- We didn't need their help.
We were not the problem.
This house recycles.
They sort it at the trash facility.
What the "F"? My dance videos are
getting, like, zero likes now.
Oh, yeah. The dinos kicked
pedophiles off TikTok.
Great. So now I'm broke?
You don't need money anymore.
So what's this for now?
Phone calls? Ugh.
Oh, c'mon, Dad.
You don't hate this, too?
Why would I? I-I was already
doing what I wanted.
I do think it's kind of funny that
you're all basically Jerry now.
Fuck.
Jerry, how do you do it?
- Yeah, Dad, how do you do it?
- How do you do it, Dad?
- Huh?
- How do you do it?
It's finally happened.
-
- All right.
Does anyone know how to
mail things to publishers?
Uhp.
President only pages me
if it's an emergency
or he needs Molly.
I'm sure glad you stayed open, Beau.
Wish we could pay,
but no more capitalism.
I never make ribs for the
money, Mr. President.
Oh, um, here ya go.
That's not why I called.
Drugs can't solve this problem.
I can't live like this anymore.
At first it was fun spending all day
watching whatever YouTube autoplays
after the last one autoplayed,
but a man can only watch
so many ads for Grammarly.
Rick. Please.
You're not bound by morality.
Get rid of them. Slit their necks.
Zero Dark Thirty these fuckers
for the good of the species.
I won't tell. Help us go
back to the old days,
where we pretend to fix
the problems we caused.
You think I'm gonna side with you
over hyper-intelligent creatures
operating way beyond your comprehension?
I have more in common
with them than you.
You pompous autistic cadaver!
You think you're above this?
- I ought to
- Look here, Mr. President.
When I need my ribs to
be tender and delicious,
I pamper them.
See, if you give someone what they want,
they'll give you what you need.
- I'm jus' saying.
- I see your point, Beau.
All right, Rick. Ha ha.
Name your price.
- Aw, crap.
- God damn it.
How often are you "Westworld-ing" me?
Hang on. Rib-tips jammed
his folk-chip again.
Ol' reliable Rick.
Always k-knows what to do.
- What do you want, Rick?
- Trustworthy.
- I won't stoop to answering that again.
- Honest.
You know exactly what I want.
I can't just snap my fingers
and get you that job.
Yeah, yeah. Thanks for lunch.
Fine. Fine!
If you get rid of the dinosaurs
you can host the Oscars.
- Yes!
- Righteous R-Rick.
Straight shootin', t-truth-tellin',
never wets the bed.
Goodbye, old friends.
May you rest in peace,
rather than the tank of an S.U.V.
Hello, fellow cosmic voyagers.
Can we help you?
Actually, I can probably help you.
See, I'm technically human,
but I've come to be more,
you know, on your level.
We're fine, thank you.
Maybe I'm being too indirect.
I happen to dabble in
multiversal travel,
and I could probably zap you
guys to an alternate Earth.
We used portal travel eons ago,
but evolved to a one-universe,
one-truth policy as the
highest form of existence.
Sort of a "put your own oxygen mask on
before helping others" type of a thing.
Have you been on a plane?
Yes, I've been on a plane.
We have no problem if
you jump dimensions.
Although we sense your
gateway device is suboptimal.
- Let us help.
- I don't need help.
I-I'm here to help you.
What the hell is this?
A "Portal Pistol."
The gateways are see-through,
not a green swirl,
so now you can see where you're going.
Clever girl.
If you'd like, we could patch up
your little interdimensional rift too.
No, leave it. I know how to close that.
That's there for a reason.
Very canonical.
Don't you just want it closed?
Morty, whose team are you on?!
It's normal to be frustrated. Here.
-
- Oh, my God, are you fucking kidding me?
- Goodbye.
- No. Wait.
- What the fuuuuuck!
- Ah!
- I saw my bones!
- Dr. Manhattan high-road assholes
- teleporting me?
- Why Why wasn't that painful?
They didn't even do it right.
My My My fly is down.
Your fly was already down.
What are you doing with that?
Rick, it was a better
Nothing from them is better.
That thing had uptight Zen
snob germs all over it.
So, what, now you're gonna fight them?
And prove we're violent and stupid?
No. We're gonna find
out what they're hiding.
Only people who have really
fucked up in the past
have to virtue signal this hard.
Look at Sean Penn.
But, Rick, aren't these feelings,
like, what they're talking about?
Like, life gets, um
"programmed for competition
by early stages of evolution."
Like, amoebas have to
fight amoebas for energy,
but once a species can get
enough sugar from a machine
to give itself diabetes,
it's allowed to start
thinking beyond conflict.
I mean, it's all in their pamphlet.
Morty, you're a genius.
I clearly mean that in
the '90s ironic sense,
but this self-fellating
zine is a treasure map
to every fossilized bone
in their skeleton closet.
They're gonna call us Laura Dern
because we're about to get
elbow deep in Dino doo-doo.
Get it, Morty? The gloves?
- You You remember the big gloves?
- Yeah, no, I get it, Rick.
I said "clever girl" earlier.
You didn't even react.
I was angry.
Um, I'm looking for a
few of my, uh, friends.
Hmm. Kinda look like the Skullfeet
that used to live on our
planet way before us.
- They're long gone now.
- Really?
- They're extinct here, too?
- Yeah.
We keep their bones in
that museum over there.
Um, wow.
These guys aren't gonna be much help.
The leading theory is, the Skullfeet
stepped on their own brains
so much they straight-up died.
Such a shame. Would have
loved to hear them sing.
- Sing?
- Yeah.
We figured they used to
hold huge outdoor concerts
in their land amphitheater.
You people are idiots.
Hey. We didn't have much to go by.
Bones aren't big on conversation.
Yeah, neither are you, pal.
The majestic Basketsaur.
Aren't they incredible?
We're even making a series of
increasingly terrible movies
about cloning them in a theme park.
- So what happened to them?
- No idea.
But we do know they all
loved eating communal soup
out of the Great Dirt Bowl.
Starting to see a pattern here.
Breathtaking, aren't they?
It's a common misconception
that they roamed our planet.
The truth is, they rolled.
Street-style mostly. Some vert.
Lemme guess. There's a very
large, deep circular indentation
in which these "Grindasaurs"
used to shred.
We think they had a
second brain in their butt
dedicated to pulling 1080s.
Three planets visited by dinosaurs,
three apocalyptic meteor impacts.
Gi Gi Gimme the board.
I'm dropping in for data.
Aah!
- Oh!
- Rick! That's the hardest thing
- in skateboarding.
- Ow!
It looked so easy on
aah "Pro Skater 3."
Oww.
Hello.
-
- Jackpot, Morty.
You still think the dinosaurs
got something to hide?
No, Morty, they have a reason to hide.
- Come here, ya little whippersnapper.
- No, Rick, stop!
- C'mere, Morty. Come on, gimme a hug.
- No, don't touch me.
- Your hands are greasy.
- What's the matter with you?
It's become clear your species
is having a hard time
adjusting to its reduced accountability.
Our solution is to hold these
regular keynotes, or talks,
which you used to launch
new phones and religions.
Uhp, I see someone's eager to speak.
Hi. Um, what do you do when
you want to kill yourself?
You don't do that.
Thank you for asking, though.
Ver Very important.
We recently discovered a new
piece of human literature
that we think everyone should read.
Holy shit! I'm a famous author!
Wait, where's my name?
We will distribute it to everyone
on Earth tomorrow.
Excuse me. Aren't you
gonna say who wrote it?
Nope. Whoever wrote it must
be above needing credit.
It's all here in this book
that belongs to everyone.
For free.
You Communist lizard scumbags!
I wrote that. Me, Jerry Smith!
-
- Hey, hey, hey!
Guess what. Dinosaurs
are not secretly evil,
and they're not out to
cause anybody trouble,
but it turns out trouble has
a way of following them.
Oh, yes, yes, yes. It's showtime.
Literally every planet
with dinosaurs on it
is eventually smashed
by a huge space rock
that takes out them
and most existing life.
What? That can't be true.
It's all right to be frustrated.
Let me explain.
Why would planet-killing
meteors follow dinosaurs?
As these reptiles evolved
to higher and higher levels
of loving vegan godhood,
another life-form devolved
into an equally selfless,
hate-filled species of
barely sentient rocks.
They hurtle through space and
do as much damage as they can
to their chosen enemy,
which is guess who.
Yup, everywhere these dinos go,
these rocks, they come a-crashing.
And this one
is headed directly towards us.
And all of our work? It was for
Nothing. Bingo. Welcome to life.
It's a big boat with a lot of holes,
but we're all in it together.
- Oh, my.
- Ohhhhh.
- Mm.
- So much death.
Congratulations, primates.
Looks like Earth could have done worse.
Rick out. Oh.
And don't forget to tune
in to this year's Oscars.
Well, this is a a lot to take in.
I like trains now.
Okay, that hurt.
Trains rule!
Dinos drool!
And you had no idea about
the disastrous meteors
that followed in your wake?
We just learned about it like you.
Truly heartbreaking news.
But I assume you're gonna destroy it
when it arrives here, right?
Um, we're in the process
of finding a solution
that, um, doesn't involve violence.
Hold on. You're in the process?!
Well, there you have it, Cooperheads.
An angry species of rock
is gonna slam into our
sorry their planet,
and our new planet runners
are weighing whether to let it happen.
I mean, no one knows if the
meteor species is even real.
No. It's very real.
- We all know that.
- You know what's real?
A rear naked choke hold. I'll show you.
- Hmm?
- What?
Final question How we doing?
We have come to the
conclusion the only way
to ensure humanity will
be safe is for us to go.
We are leaving the planet for good.
-
- Exxon spilling the oil ♪
Chernobyl blowing up ♪
- Asbestos in Montana ♪
-
- Atlantic City ♪
-
- Type 2 diabetes ♪
-
Deepwater deeply blew it ♪
- Giant garbage island ♪
-
- And all the bees are dying ♪
-
- Fuck off and die-nosaurs ♪
-
Maybe it's the Molly, but
I fucking love you, Rick.
- It's the Molly.
- Isn't this nice?
Rivalries behind us, dinos gone,
two cool guys living in the moment.
So, uh, like, uh
you know what you're
gonna wear? Because
- I can't get another plus-one.
- What?!
I'm the one who got you the
gig, you son of a bitch!
I feel this napkin
Feel this napkin.
So soft.
This is the 95th annual Academy Awards.
Now, please welcome your host,
an old science guy who got
rid of the dinosaurs
Rick Sanchez.
Suck my gray tits, Hollywood pinkos.
Where's the Mic?
The The The raising Mic?
Ha.
Bring it up!
Tommy.
Tom Hanks is here.
C'mon. Do it.
Come on.
Do ittttt.
Okay, okay, one time.
"Wilson!"
I'm Oscar host Rick.
Grandpa Rick, this is so cool.
- That microphone bit killed.
- Yeah, told you it would.
That was all scripted?
Every moment at the Oscars is.
- Even that one thing.
- Ha ha!
Look who stole themselves a swag bag.
- Ah, fucking Sprinkles coupon!
- We're splitting that.
Hey, so I was thinking it might be funny
to add dinosaurs to the "In Memoriam."
Eh, it feels beneath us.
It's funnier that they left
and we don't even care.
Oh, yeah, they left, but they
keep begging for attention.
You haven't heard?
The dinos are just
standing up there on Mars
with their dicks in their hands.
So dramatic.
What, they're just gonna let
the meteor hit them a-and die?
Good. If being superior to
everyone makes you die,
I call that balance.
It's all in my globally published book
the dinos stripped my name from!
Ugggh.
Oscars are over. Where are my keys?
God damn it, I need
to fix portal travel.
And And I'm going to.
I have a process.
Our final act of kindness.
It's been an honor serving the
sanctity of life with you all.
Hee-aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhh!
Rick, what are you doing?
- Standing here with you guys.
- You don't want to do that.
We're sacrificing ourselves here.
Then so am I. Y'know?
Elon Musk be damned,
we're blowing up Mars.
No. We're doing something selfless.
You're doing it out of pettiness.
How is anyone supposed
to know the difference?
Consider it a game of virtue chicken.
Okay, if you won't go,
we'll make you go.
Oh. Sorry. I-I Dino-proofed
my tech to spite you guys.
Which further proves
selflessness and selfishness
are two sides of the same coin,
so what's the point?
Fine. Cool with me
that your final chapter
is dying on Mars with an old dickhead.
Hyaaaa!
Aaaah!
All right! Welcome back.
You obnoxious little twat!
Yeah, but you're alive.
No David Foster
Wallace-ing in my galaxy.
You don't get to be so smart
that you remove yourself from everybody.
From one god being to
another, you're welcome.
Well, as long as we're
doing each other favors
Hey. Wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing?
You fixed my rift?
You fucking hypocritical cocks.
I-It was all canonical and shit.
We coulda milked that
thing for a whole season.
O-Or, like, a three-episode
arc at least.
Sorry. That's just us.
We love helping,
god beings to god being.
Seriously. I was gonna fix that.
Shit. They're coming back.
Can we turn on the A.C.?
It's, like, a thousand degrees outside.
Yes! New follower.
Named CryptoForBareToes?
Not sure I get it, but
sounds like business.
- Proud of you, honey.
- Is Dad okay?
Yes. I'm just writing my second book.
I don't know what it's gonna be about,
but I can tell you one thing
The title is "Jerry Smith Presents:
A Book by Jerry Smith."
Chapter one
Fuck!
Morty, get your ass in the garage!
Hoo-ha! Check it out.
A A dimension where hats wear people.
Mmmmm! Oh!
I did it! I fixed portal travel.
- Oh, shit.
- Figured my guy deserves a vacation.
- Boob World!
- You're damn right.
- And it's Areola Week.
- All right!
Good old-fashioned portal fun.
Yep. Like this.
Ohh! Whoa!
- It's gonna be classic episodes, Morty.
- Oh, I'm gonna puke, Rick!
Portaling in. Wrecking shit,
portaling out, Morty.
Oh, my Go Adventures, Morty.
- Aah! Aah!
- Social commentary.
Crude characters. Here we go.
Rick and Morty time!
This is our home now.
We shall live out the
rest of our days here.
Never interfering with the
ways of the universe again.
We are content.
It was a good run.
Speaking of a good run
I bet I could switch heel
onto that Manny pad,
big spinout, tre flip
that gap, 5-0 the rail,
drop into the bowl,
stalefish into a Christ Air,
and then we get fucking wrecked.
Ho-ho. It's on, Iguanadon.
Grinding some rocks ♪
Nollie the hubba ♪
Goofy foot, kickflip,
take care of the groms ♪
But you're a bad little Dino boy ♪
And you're rotting in a crater ♪
So now let's make some noise ♪