Russell Howard's Good News (2009) s06e06 Episode Script
Series 6, Episode 6
This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Welcome to Good News.
So, what's been happening? First up, here's a tip - don't do a live broadcast outside a football stadium.
It's been said for quite a while that it's going to take a long time for Rangers to get back to where they were.
Over on BBC Breakfast, they interviewed the most childish racing fan ever.
I like horses, and they've got four legs and furry tails! "Sometimes they jump!" Mystery of the week - what's happened to Wolverine's voice? How much have you enjoyed your tour of the new Titanic building here in Belfast today? - YORKSHIRE ACCENT: - Oh, it's been a right eye-opener.
You think his voice is strange? Check out his pet.
Bleurgh! In political news, it's been a tough week for David Cameron.
David Cameron is now more unpopular as a leader than Ed Miliband.
Or as Adam Boulton put it He is an unelectable loser.
Bit harsh.
Mind you, he is creepy.
Between you and me, I think Cameron's got a sex dungeon.
I live in a little flat, a very nice flat, actually, above Number 11, Downing Street.
But what I get up to in there, that's private! "That's private!" That is so creepy! Right, lamb? Bleurgh! APPLAUSE What I want to know - how can Ed Miliband be more popular than Cameron? He can't even get the basics right.
Lady, sorry, just in the scarf.
Sorry about that - and you've got a beard, so you're clearly a man! Not only is Cameron losing popularity, he was also dragged into the Leveson Inquiry.
The former chief of News International, Rebekah Brooks .
.
lifted the lid on her relationship with David Cameron.
She's revealed more about her friendship with the Prime Minister and details of their text messages .
.
with some suggestions David Cameron texted her repeatedly last year.
If that is true, it could be embarrassing for him.
Damn right, it's going to be embarrassing.
I've actually got hold of the texts.
Look what he sent her during the Queen's Speech.
He slammed her on Celeb-Alike.
APPLAUSE Sometimes, he even went to her for fashion tips.
From politics to entertainment - it was the final of Britain's Got Talent this week.
Here were some of the contenders.
- You're a born performer.
- Flawless.
This is what I've been waiting for all my life.
Wow! So, who won? A teenager and her dog.
A dancing dog! APPLAUSE I think this proves one thing - people in Britain like a drink on a Saturday night.
"Shall we vote for the singer?" "No, let's vote for the disco dog! "Hello? Hello, Simon, I'd like to vote for the dog, please! "Yeah, get him away from the opera singer, "I think he's going to eat him.
" It's great, isn't it? Only in Britain would you have genuinely-talented people beaten by an animal that licks its own arse.
- AS SIMON COWELL: - You can sing, but can you lick your own ring? APPLAUSE Did you see the papers the day after Pudsey won? "He's amazing.
" "He's the greatest dog ever.
" But the headline that caught my eye was this.
He's been outed by the press?! I bet he was at home, "It was great last night, "dancing, jumping - I bet the papers loved "Agh! How have they found out about Enrique?! "It was a one-night thing.
"It was a one-night thing!" Pudsey was good, but this guy will always be my favourite.
'You let the dog go behind you and you can lose control.
'Woops! Oh, no!' New research out this week, suggests why dinosaurs became extinct.
Dinosaurs may have gassed themselves into extinction.
British researchers say the prehistoric beasts had a flatulence and belching problem.
Apparently, dinosaurs killed themselves by farting.
It turns out it wasn't a meteor - a stegosaurus went, "Pull my finger.
" What I want to know, how did the scientists find this out? Did they find one buried like that? Next to another one, just Either way, these lizards really dropped their guts.
Researchers found dinosaurs pumped out more than 520 million tons of methane gas.
520 million tons! Must have been a nightmare, being a T-rex.
"Oh! My arms are so tiny! "I can't waft it away!" "Oh! Oh! "Oh, Jesus Christ, what did you eat?" "Who's Jesus Christ?" APPLAUSE If this is how they died, it'll really change the movies.
FLATULENCE From dinosaurs to a strange new TV channel.
It's the new craze that's taking the doggy world by storm, and keeps them transfixed for hours.
DOG TV.
We now have TV for dogs! To be honest, I thought we already had TV for creatures - with limited mental capacity.
- Shut up.
Fuck off.
APPLAUSE Have you seen what they're actually showing the dogs? Absolute shit.
The footage and soundtracks are designed by scientists for stimulation, relaxation and exposure eight hours a day.
That is madness.
If you want to keep dogs interested, you don't need flashing lights.
You just need a guitar.
GUITAR PLAYS GUITAR STOPS GUITAR PLAYS GUITAR STOPS - I could watch that for hours.
- APPLAUSE From DOG TV to a cat alarm clock.
Take a look at how a bored cat wakes his owner up every morning at 5am.
If you struggle to get out of bed in the morning and the traditional alarm clock just isn't enough, maybe you need this furry wake-up call.
Aw! APPLAUSE It's the one on the end, the one on the end is the most satisfying.
"I can't reach!" And you're like, "Please reach!" "Wa-doing!" It's so cute, isn't it? But five in the morning? Every day? If that was my cat .
.
he'd end up like this.
AUDIENCE: Oh! What? I like a lie-in.
Sometimes, you have to keep them in check.
Some cats are plain evil.
Now for a story about a London society called the Eccentric Club.
This was the Eccentric Club in the 1920s.
In the 1980s, it was wound up, but reformed three years ago.
So, meet two of its newest members.
HE GUFFAWS I always, when I was a child, wanted to dress in three-piece suits.
I have a shrunken head that sits by my bedside table.
Of course you have, posh Hagrid.
There's more.
I don't think I have any eccentric habits at all.
I'm entirely normal, I get out of bed most days.
Oh, completely normal! I mean, every Monday I make love to a Christmas tree, you know? So, why am I showing you this? Well, big news, my friends - the Eccentric Club has a new member! And last night, the Eccentric Club dined in Mayfair with its new patron, the Duke of Edinburgh.
Hey! - AS THE DUKE OF EDINBURGH: - Hello! Yes! Hey, guys, I sleep with a shrunken head too - or as I call her, Liz! Yeah! Finally, a crowd that gets me! Hey, guys, guys, guys - you think Pudsey was good? I'll show you a trick with a dog.
Who wants to see me tea bag a corgi? Yeah! Yeah! I've gone too far again, haven't I? Mind you, if you think Philip is eccentric, check this out! Now, watch out, all you budding weather presenters, because there's a new meteorologist on the block.
Damn right - did anyone else see this? This weather front pushing northwards is bringing cloud and outbreaks of rain.
The rain, of course, will be heaviest over the Borders and around Edinburgh.
It's like a royal Jim'll Fix It! My favourite bit is the face he pulls after Camilla reveals his weather obsession.
Your Royal Highness, how do you feel he did? I could watch that face over and over.
Every time he pulls a funny face, all you see is this guy.
Mind you, if you think Charles is a weather fan, he has got nothing on a kid from America who wrote the most incredible thank-you letter to this guy.
He's Albert Ramon, a morning weatherman in Austin, Texas.
After he spoke to a fourth-grade class, - one of the students sent Ramon this thank you.
- Did you see the letter? To say the kid was a bit a fan, that is an understatement.
Look at this.
That is a letter! APPLAUSE And did you see what he wrote at the end? After all that, "Sincerely, Flint.
" Flint, if you're watching, good work, my friend.
Good work.
This was definitely the big sports story of the week.
Manchester City are the new champions, stealing the title at the 11th hour from under the noses of their United rivals.
Aguero! He's won it! Get in there! It was the most exciting end to a season ever.
Right, lamb? Bleurgh! Did anyone see the way it was covered on Soccer Saturday? If only they'd get a little bit more excited.
Queens Park Rangers are level! He's put the ball in the box, far post - it's a goal! Mackie's scored! Oh, no! People said they've played the best football Oh! Goal! It's two all! It's 3-2! Mancini's on the line, running round! They're all cuddling each other! They've got love bites and everything! "They've got love bites and everything!" It was amazing.
The game had everything - goals, tension and Joey Barton went batshit! The reason I found it so funny was because of what he said on Twitter.
"Why can't people just get along?!" In fairness, Barton isn't the craziest footballer.
Taka a look at this guy's eyes.
Talking of violence, this was the big news in the boxing world.
David Haye will take on Dereck Chisora in a grudge match at West Ham's Upton Park ground in July.
This is going to be interesting.
Two of boxing's greatest charmers.
You've got wordsmith David Haye - This fight will be as one-sided as a gang rape.
- Ahh! Ah, Shakespeare.
He's against the equally poetic Dereck Chisora.
Ahh! Ahh-ahh! They're just They're both so lovable.
Can't I just have them both? They're absolute nutters.
Check out David Haye's suggestion as to what you should do if you get burgled.
If someone burgles your house and you knock them out, are you going to apologise for knocking them out? No, you're not.
You're going to stamp on their head, like any normal person would.
Stamp on their head, like a normal person(!) It gets weirder.
Not to be outdone, Chisora claims THIS is "normal".
I don't walk around with my nose up.
You tell me, "My son is having a birthday party.
" I tell you, "What's the address?" You give me, and think I'm not coming.
Next minute, I'm like KNOCKING .
.
happy birthday.
Yeah, every eight-year-old's dream, innit? Opening the door "Mum! "The clown's really scary.
" "Hey? What?" - "Mum, what's a - BLEEP?" To be honest, they're both so unlikeable, it will be the only fight in history where everyone wants this to happen.
Strange stories across the globe.
First up, a bizarre zoo in Japan.
How do you deal with an escaped rhino? One zoo in Japan has been finding out.
This is genius.
Look how they re-created the terrifying reality of an escaped rhino.
They got a couple of people to put on this papier-mache outfit while staff, police and paramedics attempted to stop it.
They made a cardboard rhino.
It's madness.
I tell you how to deal with an escaped rhino - you fucking run! I love how they brought down this paper beast.
Eventually, the fake animal was fake shot with a fake sedative.
It got worse.
Apparently, they put him back in with a real rhino.
GRUNTING From a zoo in Japan to one in China.
If you think you're committed to your job, you've nothing on this guy.
That's sweet.
Isn't that the loveliest thing you've ever seen? He saved a monkey.
He saved a monkey.
How did he save his life? He licked a monkey's arse for an hour.
Apparently, his mates couldn't believe it.
In fairness, he loved it.
So, I hear you screaming, why did the zookeeper do this? So get him some medicine, don't rim it! What kind of a vet is he? "Don't worry, kids, "this penguin's going to be fine.
"He's got a cold.
"Somebody tickle my balls, it's his only hope!" I mean, Christ! You never saw Rolf Harris do that on Animal Hospital.
SNUFFLING That's another little fella saved.
Rolf, that's the wrong monkey.
Now, unbelievably, that isn't the strangest story from China.
Have you seen the latest snack causing a stir? There's an unmistakable scent from the hard-boiled eggs sold on the street sold on the streets of eastern China.
Unmistakable scent? Jasmine? Lavender? They're soaked and boiled in urine.
Eggs cooked in piss?! Ain't nobody got time for that.
That has to be the most disgusting food ever.
Right, lamb? Bleurgh.
This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
This could be a mystery guest who's been in the news, and I have to figure out who it is.
Please welcome my mystery guest.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- How are you doing? Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
What's your name? - Rosie.
Hey, Rosie.
I'm Russell.
We're on a bench.
Feels like we're meeting for a date.
- Would you like a flower? - Thank you very much.
- No probs.
- How did you break your arm? - I did it playing rugby.
- Are you a rugby player? - I am, but it's not why I'm here tonight.
- Have you had a look behind? That might help you.
- Oh, right.
- That's the Taj Mahal.
- Yeah.
Right, so it's like rugby crossed with the Taj Mahal.
I don't understand.
You're going to have to give me more of a clue.
OK.
It's an Indian sport.
- Kabaddi.
Do you play kabaddi? - Yes, I do.
- Fantastic.
Now, you won't know this, but kabaddi was massive in the early '90s.
It's basically like kiss-chase, essentially.
Yeah, it's a big game of tig.
Sort of wrestling.
- It doesn't sound as good if you call it tig.
- No.
- DEEP VOICE: - Kabaddi! - HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: - Tig! "No, you can't move until someone says your name!" I think I might be all right here.
I'm quite a good wriggler.
Are you? There's a lot of wriggling involved.
We used to play a game when we were kids.
We used to all get on my dad's bed, this sounds dodgy.
The game was called "Get out of my bed and into the sharks.
" Our dad used to try and push us into the sharks, which was the carpet.
- And I never lost.
- You might be all right then.
Yes, I played that until I was 16.
"Dad, can we play?" "No.
You must never play that game again.
" APPLAUSE Why are you in the news exactly? I was in the news because I want to make kabaddi an Olympic sport.
- Sweet.
- I captained the first-ever England women's kabaddi team.
- We came second in the World Cup.
- That's pretty cool.
- Let's play it.
Let's have a game of kabaddi.
- Yeah? - I'd like that.
- We're going to watch a clip of us in action.
- Sweet.
Cool.
Right then, tell me, Rosie, what's going to happen? - Obviously I can't do anything.
I've done a bit of a Russell.
- Nice.
- LAUGHTER - Come on, that was smooth.
Nice work.
I'll go through a few basic points with you, so you know the rules.
- Absolutely.
- I've brought a few of the girls, - so welcome the England kabaddi team.
- Here we are, come on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Right, so these are your four stoppers.
- Stoppers, bludgers.
Defenders.
You are a raider.
- I'm a raider? - You're the attacker.
- Sweet.
This is the attacking zone and this is your safe zone.
- So they can get me if I'm here.
- Not if you're in here.
- When you go across, you stop here.
- Shall I stay here? - What happens if I stay here all day? - They'll get bored and - But they are not allowed.
- I don't know, she might.
- Oh, really? So you need to get across there, touch one of them with any part of your body - your hand, your foot LAUGHTER OK, and then get back.
When you touch one of them, they'll try to stop you.
- OK.
- 30 seconds starts when you cross this line.
If they get you within 10 seconds, you can wriggle your way back, wrestle, like your dad's game.
- Yeah.
- You wriggle.
- OK, cool.
- OK, go.
- I'm out, I'm out.
Come this way.
- You've got 30 seconds.
- I've got to get there? - Yes, you've got to touch one of them.
- I see, tricky, tricky.
Oh, God! You've got 15 seconds, 15 seconds.
Come on! 10 seconds.
Somebody get me a cigarette now.
That was horrible and lovely at the same time, like eating a fire ice cream.
- Another go? - Yes, why not? - Right - Ready? Go! Come on! Come on! Go! Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - That was all right.
- Are you tired? - So that is kabaddi.
- That was really good.
Ladies and gentleman, please give it up for my wonderful mystery guests.
Big news in the world of health.
The magic mushroom - a class A drug that comes with a seven-year prison sentence for possession.
Now scientists at Imperial College London say it could treat depression.
Magic mushrooms cure depression.
Yeah, because you're off your tits.
I used to feel suicidal, but now I got marshmallows for legs.
Trouble is, what if you do something mad while you're on 'em? Oh, no, I've eaten my legs.
I thought they were marshmallows.
You don't need mushrooms.
If you're feeling low and you want something to cheer you up, just look at this.
Now this is the story of Henry and the amazing power of music.
Hi, Papa.
Hi, Papa.
How you doing? I'm all right.
I'm fine.
How long has he been in the nursing home? Approximately ten years.
He was having seizures and my mother couldn't handle him at home.
He was always fun-loving.
He was always into music.
He always loved singing, dancing.
He used to sit on the unit with his head like this.
He didn't really talk to much people.
Then when I introduced the music to him, this is his reaction ever since.
He is given his favourite music, and immediately he lights up.
And Henry has been quickened.
He's been brought to life.
When the headphones are taken off, Henry, normally mute and virtually unable to answer the simplest yes or no questions, is quite voluble.
- Henry? - Yeah.
- Do you like the iPod, do you like the music you're hearing? - Yes.
I'm crazy about music.
You play beautiful music, beautiful sound.
What was your favourite music when you were young? I guess, well, Cab Calloway was my number one guy.
What was your favourite song? Oh # I'll be home for Christmas # In some sense Henry is restored to himself.
He has remembered who he is through the power of music.
What does music do to you? It gives me the feeling of love.
The world need to come into music, singing, you got beautiful music.
Beautiful, oh, lovely.
And I feel a band of love, dreams.
Awesome, isn't it? Thank you very much for watching Good News.
Goodnight, my friends.
I really enjoyed that! It was fun.
Right, Lamb? Bleurgh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Welcome to Good News.
So, what's been happening? First up, here's a tip - don't do a live broadcast outside a football stadium.
It's been said for quite a while that it's going to take a long time for Rangers to get back to where they were.
Over on BBC Breakfast, they interviewed the most childish racing fan ever.
I like horses, and they've got four legs and furry tails! "Sometimes they jump!" Mystery of the week - what's happened to Wolverine's voice? How much have you enjoyed your tour of the new Titanic building here in Belfast today? - YORKSHIRE ACCENT: - Oh, it's been a right eye-opener.
You think his voice is strange? Check out his pet.
Bleurgh! In political news, it's been a tough week for David Cameron.
David Cameron is now more unpopular as a leader than Ed Miliband.
Or as Adam Boulton put it He is an unelectable loser.
Bit harsh.
Mind you, he is creepy.
Between you and me, I think Cameron's got a sex dungeon.
I live in a little flat, a very nice flat, actually, above Number 11, Downing Street.
But what I get up to in there, that's private! "That's private!" That is so creepy! Right, lamb? Bleurgh! APPLAUSE What I want to know - how can Ed Miliband be more popular than Cameron? He can't even get the basics right.
Lady, sorry, just in the scarf.
Sorry about that - and you've got a beard, so you're clearly a man! Not only is Cameron losing popularity, he was also dragged into the Leveson Inquiry.
The former chief of News International, Rebekah Brooks .
.
lifted the lid on her relationship with David Cameron.
She's revealed more about her friendship with the Prime Minister and details of their text messages .
.
with some suggestions David Cameron texted her repeatedly last year.
If that is true, it could be embarrassing for him.
Damn right, it's going to be embarrassing.
I've actually got hold of the texts.
Look what he sent her during the Queen's Speech.
He slammed her on Celeb-Alike.
APPLAUSE Sometimes, he even went to her for fashion tips.
From politics to entertainment - it was the final of Britain's Got Talent this week.
Here were some of the contenders.
- You're a born performer.
- Flawless.
This is what I've been waiting for all my life.
Wow! So, who won? A teenager and her dog.
A dancing dog! APPLAUSE I think this proves one thing - people in Britain like a drink on a Saturday night.
"Shall we vote for the singer?" "No, let's vote for the disco dog! "Hello? Hello, Simon, I'd like to vote for the dog, please! "Yeah, get him away from the opera singer, "I think he's going to eat him.
" It's great, isn't it? Only in Britain would you have genuinely-talented people beaten by an animal that licks its own arse.
- AS SIMON COWELL: - You can sing, but can you lick your own ring? APPLAUSE Did you see the papers the day after Pudsey won? "He's amazing.
" "He's the greatest dog ever.
" But the headline that caught my eye was this.
He's been outed by the press?! I bet he was at home, "It was great last night, "dancing, jumping - I bet the papers loved "Agh! How have they found out about Enrique?! "It was a one-night thing.
"It was a one-night thing!" Pudsey was good, but this guy will always be my favourite.
'You let the dog go behind you and you can lose control.
'Woops! Oh, no!' New research out this week, suggests why dinosaurs became extinct.
Dinosaurs may have gassed themselves into extinction.
British researchers say the prehistoric beasts had a flatulence and belching problem.
Apparently, dinosaurs killed themselves by farting.
It turns out it wasn't a meteor - a stegosaurus went, "Pull my finger.
" What I want to know, how did the scientists find this out? Did they find one buried like that? Next to another one, just Either way, these lizards really dropped their guts.
Researchers found dinosaurs pumped out more than 520 million tons of methane gas.
520 million tons! Must have been a nightmare, being a T-rex.
"Oh! My arms are so tiny! "I can't waft it away!" "Oh! Oh! "Oh, Jesus Christ, what did you eat?" "Who's Jesus Christ?" APPLAUSE If this is how they died, it'll really change the movies.
FLATULENCE From dinosaurs to a strange new TV channel.
It's the new craze that's taking the doggy world by storm, and keeps them transfixed for hours.
DOG TV.
We now have TV for dogs! To be honest, I thought we already had TV for creatures - with limited mental capacity.
- Shut up.
Fuck off.
APPLAUSE Have you seen what they're actually showing the dogs? Absolute shit.
The footage and soundtracks are designed by scientists for stimulation, relaxation and exposure eight hours a day.
That is madness.
If you want to keep dogs interested, you don't need flashing lights.
You just need a guitar.
GUITAR PLAYS GUITAR STOPS GUITAR PLAYS GUITAR STOPS - I could watch that for hours.
- APPLAUSE From DOG TV to a cat alarm clock.
Take a look at how a bored cat wakes his owner up every morning at 5am.
If you struggle to get out of bed in the morning and the traditional alarm clock just isn't enough, maybe you need this furry wake-up call.
Aw! APPLAUSE It's the one on the end, the one on the end is the most satisfying.
"I can't reach!" And you're like, "Please reach!" "Wa-doing!" It's so cute, isn't it? But five in the morning? Every day? If that was my cat .
.
he'd end up like this.
AUDIENCE: Oh! What? I like a lie-in.
Sometimes, you have to keep them in check.
Some cats are plain evil.
Now for a story about a London society called the Eccentric Club.
This was the Eccentric Club in the 1920s.
In the 1980s, it was wound up, but reformed three years ago.
So, meet two of its newest members.
HE GUFFAWS I always, when I was a child, wanted to dress in three-piece suits.
I have a shrunken head that sits by my bedside table.
Of course you have, posh Hagrid.
There's more.
I don't think I have any eccentric habits at all.
I'm entirely normal, I get out of bed most days.
Oh, completely normal! I mean, every Monday I make love to a Christmas tree, you know? So, why am I showing you this? Well, big news, my friends - the Eccentric Club has a new member! And last night, the Eccentric Club dined in Mayfair with its new patron, the Duke of Edinburgh.
Hey! - AS THE DUKE OF EDINBURGH: - Hello! Yes! Hey, guys, I sleep with a shrunken head too - or as I call her, Liz! Yeah! Finally, a crowd that gets me! Hey, guys, guys, guys - you think Pudsey was good? I'll show you a trick with a dog.
Who wants to see me tea bag a corgi? Yeah! Yeah! I've gone too far again, haven't I? Mind you, if you think Philip is eccentric, check this out! Now, watch out, all you budding weather presenters, because there's a new meteorologist on the block.
Damn right - did anyone else see this? This weather front pushing northwards is bringing cloud and outbreaks of rain.
The rain, of course, will be heaviest over the Borders and around Edinburgh.
It's like a royal Jim'll Fix It! My favourite bit is the face he pulls after Camilla reveals his weather obsession.
Your Royal Highness, how do you feel he did? I could watch that face over and over.
Every time he pulls a funny face, all you see is this guy.
Mind you, if you think Charles is a weather fan, he has got nothing on a kid from America who wrote the most incredible thank-you letter to this guy.
He's Albert Ramon, a morning weatherman in Austin, Texas.
After he spoke to a fourth-grade class, - one of the students sent Ramon this thank you.
- Did you see the letter? To say the kid was a bit a fan, that is an understatement.
Look at this.
That is a letter! APPLAUSE And did you see what he wrote at the end? After all that, "Sincerely, Flint.
" Flint, if you're watching, good work, my friend.
Good work.
This was definitely the big sports story of the week.
Manchester City are the new champions, stealing the title at the 11th hour from under the noses of their United rivals.
Aguero! He's won it! Get in there! It was the most exciting end to a season ever.
Right, lamb? Bleurgh! Did anyone see the way it was covered on Soccer Saturday? If only they'd get a little bit more excited.
Queens Park Rangers are level! He's put the ball in the box, far post - it's a goal! Mackie's scored! Oh, no! People said they've played the best football Oh! Goal! It's two all! It's 3-2! Mancini's on the line, running round! They're all cuddling each other! They've got love bites and everything! "They've got love bites and everything!" It was amazing.
The game had everything - goals, tension and Joey Barton went batshit! The reason I found it so funny was because of what he said on Twitter.
"Why can't people just get along?!" In fairness, Barton isn't the craziest footballer.
Taka a look at this guy's eyes.
Talking of violence, this was the big news in the boxing world.
David Haye will take on Dereck Chisora in a grudge match at West Ham's Upton Park ground in July.
This is going to be interesting.
Two of boxing's greatest charmers.
You've got wordsmith David Haye - This fight will be as one-sided as a gang rape.
- Ahh! Ah, Shakespeare.
He's against the equally poetic Dereck Chisora.
Ahh! Ahh-ahh! They're just They're both so lovable.
Can't I just have them both? They're absolute nutters.
Check out David Haye's suggestion as to what you should do if you get burgled.
If someone burgles your house and you knock them out, are you going to apologise for knocking them out? No, you're not.
You're going to stamp on their head, like any normal person would.
Stamp on their head, like a normal person(!) It gets weirder.
Not to be outdone, Chisora claims THIS is "normal".
I don't walk around with my nose up.
You tell me, "My son is having a birthday party.
" I tell you, "What's the address?" You give me, and think I'm not coming.
Next minute, I'm like KNOCKING .
.
happy birthday.
Yeah, every eight-year-old's dream, innit? Opening the door "Mum! "The clown's really scary.
" "Hey? What?" - "Mum, what's a - BLEEP?" To be honest, they're both so unlikeable, it will be the only fight in history where everyone wants this to happen.
Strange stories across the globe.
First up, a bizarre zoo in Japan.
How do you deal with an escaped rhino? One zoo in Japan has been finding out.
This is genius.
Look how they re-created the terrifying reality of an escaped rhino.
They got a couple of people to put on this papier-mache outfit while staff, police and paramedics attempted to stop it.
They made a cardboard rhino.
It's madness.
I tell you how to deal with an escaped rhino - you fucking run! I love how they brought down this paper beast.
Eventually, the fake animal was fake shot with a fake sedative.
It got worse.
Apparently, they put him back in with a real rhino.
GRUNTING From a zoo in Japan to one in China.
If you think you're committed to your job, you've nothing on this guy.
That's sweet.
Isn't that the loveliest thing you've ever seen? He saved a monkey.
He saved a monkey.
How did he save his life? He licked a monkey's arse for an hour.
Apparently, his mates couldn't believe it.
In fairness, he loved it.
So, I hear you screaming, why did the zookeeper do this? So get him some medicine, don't rim it! What kind of a vet is he? "Don't worry, kids, "this penguin's going to be fine.
"He's got a cold.
"Somebody tickle my balls, it's his only hope!" I mean, Christ! You never saw Rolf Harris do that on Animal Hospital.
SNUFFLING That's another little fella saved.
Rolf, that's the wrong monkey.
Now, unbelievably, that isn't the strangest story from China.
Have you seen the latest snack causing a stir? There's an unmistakable scent from the hard-boiled eggs sold on the street sold on the streets of eastern China.
Unmistakable scent? Jasmine? Lavender? They're soaked and boiled in urine.
Eggs cooked in piss?! Ain't nobody got time for that.
That has to be the most disgusting food ever.
Right, lamb? Bleurgh.
This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
This could be a mystery guest who's been in the news, and I have to figure out who it is.
Please welcome my mystery guest.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- How are you doing? Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
What's your name? - Rosie.
Hey, Rosie.
I'm Russell.
We're on a bench.
Feels like we're meeting for a date.
- Would you like a flower? - Thank you very much.
- No probs.
- How did you break your arm? - I did it playing rugby.
- Are you a rugby player? - I am, but it's not why I'm here tonight.
- Have you had a look behind? That might help you.
- Oh, right.
- That's the Taj Mahal.
- Yeah.
Right, so it's like rugby crossed with the Taj Mahal.
I don't understand.
You're going to have to give me more of a clue.
OK.
It's an Indian sport.
- Kabaddi.
Do you play kabaddi? - Yes, I do.
- Fantastic.
Now, you won't know this, but kabaddi was massive in the early '90s.
It's basically like kiss-chase, essentially.
Yeah, it's a big game of tig.
Sort of wrestling.
- It doesn't sound as good if you call it tig.
- No.
- DEEP VOICE: - Kabaddi! - HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: - Tig! "No, you can't move until someone says your name!" I think I might be all right here.
I'm quite a good wriggler.
Are you? There's a lot of wriggling involved.
We used to play a game when we were kids.
We used to all get on my dad's bed, this sounds dodgy.
The game was called "Get out of my bed and into the sharks.
" Our dad used to try and push us into the sharks, which was the carpet.
- And I never lost.
- You might be all right then.
Yes, I played that until I was 16.
"Dad, can we play?" "No.
You must never play that game again.
" APPLAUSE Why are you in the news exactly? I was in the news because I want to make kabaddi an Olympic sport.
- Sweet.
- I captained the first-ever England women's kabaddi team.
- We came second in the World Cup.
- That's pretty cool.
- Let's play it.
Let's have a game of kabaddi.
- Yeah? - I'd like that.
- We're going to watch a clip of us in action.
- Sweet.
Cool.
Right then, tell me, Rosie, what's going to happen? - Obviously I can't do anything.
I've done a bit of a Russell.
- Nice.
- LAUGHTER - Come on, that was smooth.
Nice work.
I'll go through a few basic points with you, so you know the rules.
- Absolutely.
- I've brought a few of the girls, - so welcome the England kabaddi team.
- Here we are, come on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Right, so these are your four stoppers.
- Stoppers, bludgers.
Defenders.
You are a raider.
- I'm a raider? - You're the attacker.
- Sweet.
This is the attacking zone and this is your safe zone.
- So they can get me if I'm here.
- Not if you're in here.
- When you go across, you stop here.
- Shall I stay here? - What happens if I stay here all day? - They'll get bored and - But they are not allowed.
- I don't know, she might.
- Oh, really? So you need to get across there, touch one of them with any part of your body - your hand, your foot LAUGHTER OK, and then get back.
When you touch one of them, they'll try to stop you.
- OK.
- 30 seconds starts when you cross this line.
If they get you within 10 seconds, you can wriggle your way back, wrestle, like your dad's game.
- Yeah.
- You wriggle.
- OK, cool.
- OK, go.
- I'm out, I'm out.
Come this way.
- You've got 30 seconds.
- I've got to get there? - Yes, you've got to touch one of them.
- I see, tricky, tricky.
Oh, God! You've got 15 seconds, 15 seconds.
Come on! 10 seconds.
Somebody get me a cigarette now.
That was horrible and lovely at the same time, like eating a fire ice cream.
- Another go? - Yes, why not? - Right - Ready? Go! Come on! Come on! Go! Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - That was all right.
- Are you tired? - So that is kabaddi.
- That was really good.
Ladies and gentleman, please give it up for my wonderful mystery guests.
Big news in the world of health.
The magic mushroom - a class A drug that comes with a seven-year prison sentence for possession.
Now scientists at Imperial College London say it could treat depression.
Magic mushrooms cure depression.
Yeah, because you're off your tits.
I used to feel suicidal, but now I got marshmallows for legs.
Trouble is, what if you do something mad while you're on 'em? Oh, no, I've eaten my legs.
I thought they were marshmallows.
You don't need mushrooms.
If you're feeling low and you want something to cheer you up, just look at this.
Now this is the story of Henry and the amazing power of music.
Hi, Papa.
Hi, Papa.
How you doing? I'm all right.
I'm fine.
How long has he been in the nursing home? Approximately ten years.
He was having seizures and my mother couldn't handle him at home.
He was always fun-loving.
He was always into music.
He always loved singing, dancing.
He used to sit on the unit with his head like this.
He didn't really talk to much people.
Then when I introduced the music to him, this is his reaction ever since.
He is given his favourite music, and immediately he lights up.
And Henry has been quickened.
He's been brought to life.
When the headphones are taken off, Henry, normally mute and virtually unable to answer the simplest yes or no questions, is quite voluble.
- Henry? - Yeah.
- Do you like the iPod, do you like the music you're hearing? - Yes.
I'm crazy about music.
You play beautiful music, beautiful sound.
What was your favourite music when you were young? I guess, well, Cab Calloway was my number one guy.
What was your favourite song? Oh # I'll be home for Christmas # In some sense Henry is restored to himself.
He has remembered who he is through the power of music.
What does music do to you? It gives me the feeling of love.
The world need to come into music, singing, you got beautiful music.
Beautiful, oh, lovely.
And I feel a band of love, dreams.
Awesome, isn't it? Thank you very much for watching Good News.
Goodnight, my friends.
I really enjoyed that! It was fun.
Right, Lamb? Bleurgh.