Schitt's Creek (2015) s06e06 Episode Script

1 Okay, if you think you've lived through a bad day, try being our next guest.
When she showed up to a screening of her new film, "The Crows Have Eyes: The Crowening " - (Giggles) Fun name! - It is! The last thing she expected was an actual crow attack! (Crowd screams in terror) Hosts: (Faux sympathy) Oh (Chuckling) Well, now we're being told that the whole thing was a PR stunt put out by the movie.
Now, is that clever or what? It sure is! We are so very lucky to be joined this morning by Moira Rose.
- Well, ach! - Ach! - What a ride this has been! - Yes.
What a ride indeed, Barb! Oh, let me first assure your viewers that not a single crow was harmed, and as for the humans, oh, nothing but a little wounded pride and one severed earlobe.
- Oh! (Laughs) - Ouch! Yeah! Yes, everything you saw was part of a carefully orchestrated, entirely deliberate stunt.
Oh, well, it seems to have worked, Moira.
With over more than 2 million views in less than 24 hours, this video has created an incredible buzz for the movie, which, as of right now, is officially trending on Interflix.
It is?! (Laughs excitedly) Well, if you're saying it's a smash hit, then I'm just going to have to take your word for it.
As well as the word of millions of streamers across the internet, I suppose.
You know, the brilliant thing about being on streaming is that one can start the movie at any point, any time they like.
You know, Moira, I think it's safe to say you are officially back in the game! - (Thumps desk) - Yes! Well, you heard it here first! Do not adjust your sets! Excuse me, but I'd be remiss if I didn't acknowledge my daughter, Alexis Rose.
This whole PR coup d'état never would've happened without her.
Honestly, we just had fun with it.
Can't hear you.
(Chuckles) Poor dear's not mic'd.
Well, looks like there's no stopping you two now! - Congratulations! - Hmhm.
- Both: Thank you! - Alexis: (Giggles) (Door opens) Gentlemen.
Morning.
I believe you've met my roommate, Bob.
- Roommate? - Mm-hmm.
(Chuckle sheepishly) Yeah.
Uh, Ronnie's been nice enough to let me stay in her guest room, ever since Gwen took the house.
Yeah.
And as much as I'm enjoying the slumber party, I really think that Bob could use a change of scenery.
Maybe he could crash here for a night or six? - Uh, yeah - I don't think we, uh, we have any clean rooms available.
Oh, I I don't mind a dirty room.
I hope that doesn't sound as sad as as it feels.
Bob, why, why don't you take a seat? And grab some water while you're at it, 'cause you should really hydrate after all that crying.
Gwen used to love water.
(Sobbing) Okay, I feel badly for Bob, but it's not a good look to have him wallowing around here.
Roland: Well, where do you want the guy to wallow? I mean, Johnny, there's plenty of sad people staying at this motel.
That's not exactly how I'd describe our guests, Roland.
Well, I'm just saying, maybe he could meet a fellow wallower here? Oh, it'd be really nice if Bob could meet somebody 'cause from what I hear, Gwen isn't exactly sitting at home.
Or, what if we take Bob out for the evening and kind of act as his wing-men Johnny, you know, the whole dating scene has kind of changed a little since you were single.
(Clears throat) First off, we now have electricity.
- (Laughs) - (Laughing) Okay, all right, are you in or not? Ooh, I'm in.
'Cause I don't wanna miss a chance to see how this plays out.
- Bob? - Well, it it would be so nice to not be completely alone for a night.
Uh, lucky Gwen, she has another one of her male cousins visiting.
(Chuckles then sobs) - David: This coffee's delicious.
- Thank you.
Yeah, it's it's sort of burning my hand a bit because I can't put it down on anything.
David, you know that the new coffee table is coming today, and that it takes a little bit longer when it's handmade.
Handmade, yeah.
You know what I think you should do? Just come over here and relax for a bit.
Sit down, we could put our - our feet up on the - (Knock at the door) You happy now? Just do me a favour and watch these, - and don't eat them.
- Mm.
No guarantees.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Coffee table for Patrick? - That's me, yeah.
You look super familiar.
Have we ordered from you before? Uh, I don't know.
I I get a lot of orders.
- Do you mind if I uh ? - Yeah, come on in.
Uh, it's just right there.
Yeah.
'Kay.
(Door shuts) (Sighs) I'm sorry, this is who made your table? - David! - Hi.
- What're you doing here? - Okay.
Muah.
Wow.
We're still doing that.
Uh, this is my boyfriend's place.
- Fiancé.
- Fiancé.
Yeah.
Now I remember where we met before.
- Stevie's apartment.
- At Stevie's.
Bingo.
I'm sorry for not remembering.
- I meet a lot of people.
- Mm.
That is a great sweater, by the way.
- It really brings out your lips.
- Okay.
Well, thank you for the coffee table.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I am also wearing a sweater.
A lot of sweat went into this one.
(Chuckles) This is one of my best pieces.
You got great taste.
And from the looks of it, so does David.
(Laughs) Okay.
I'm gonna go uh you know, I'm gonna check on the - Perfect! Yeah.
- Pancakes.
Say, you know what? I was just planning on having a chill night in, but if you guys are free, I'd love for you to come by for a whiskey or - whatever.
- OKay.
You know You know what? We'll, we'll think about that for a sec - and see, and see.
- Great! - Hope to see you tonight.
- Okay.
And for what it's worth, you guys make a beautiful couple.
Thank you so much.
(Door closes) - What? - No, you're just, your face is all red.
It's beet red.
- It is not! - Mm-hmm.
It's flush.
- Hey, babe! - Hey, babe! Oh my God! Where are you? Is that the ocean? I wish.
It's a poster of the ocean.
'Cause I'm actually in Stewart's dorm room right now because mine got evacuated last night - small fire ants issue.
Yikes! Hope everything's okay.
It was a real "Fyre Fest.
" (Chuckles) You do not wanna see Krista's ankles today.
But, it's all good.
We'll be getting our dorms back in better shape than we left 'em.
- Can't wait.
- Let's talk about you! Everyone here has been watching your video! And to think it was all fake? Totally fake.
Isn't that wild? And all of these PR agencies from New York are calling to ask me how I did it.
How did you do it? Um, it's like a little bit too complicated - to explain over this.
- Hi, Theodore! Gorgeous view! Hi, Mrs.
Rose! Congrats on the movie! That last scene where you leap from your nest only to discover that your wings - aren't developed enough yet - Oh, you're too kind.
The Daily Mail called it a "flap for the ages!" Okay, can I have my boyfriend back now, please? - Hm.
- (Phone rings) (Clears her throat) Oh! It's Buzzfeed calling about the 10 goriest Clara Mandrake accidents from the film.
Best we take it.
And don't forget, we have a conference call with the Interflix PR people in a tight 15.
- Okay.
- Wow, it seems like you've got a lot going on, Alexis.
Yes, but not too much for you.
No, don't worry about me, you're obviously in high demand.
Alexis! They're asking about co-stars.
I can't be expected to remember everyone I meet! Mm.
Okay, okay.
Well, I guess I do have to go, but I will see you in a few days and I can't wait! - I can't wait either.
- Moira: (Shouting) Alexis! Okay, I'm coming.
Ugh! Okay, love you! (Blows kiss) Love you- (Button clicks) Ooh! (Birds chirp, door opens) I don't think we're the same size, Johnny.
I might have a trouble fitting tissues into these pockets.
Oh, you won't need tissues.
There'll be no crying tonight, Bob.
You look like a million bucks.
Roland: Well, actually, Bob, in Johnny's suit there, you look like a guy who had a million bucks, but then lost it.
(Laughs) Very funny, Roland.
Now, the suit works, Bob.
Ronnie: Bob, in my experience, it doesn't matter what you wear.
It's all about being yourself.
I think the last person Bob wants to be right now is himself.
I agree with Roland.
I don't know if I can speak on behalf of women here You can't.
Moira used to say, when she was single, she would always be attracted to men who could make her laugh.
How'd she end up with you? (Laughs) All right, why don't we try a little test run here.
Let's imagine we're in a bar.
Ronnie, do you wanna be the woman in this little scenario? - Not a chance.
- Okay.
(Clears throat) Mm! Move over.
I (clears throat) will be the woman.
Okay.
So we're in a bar and, uh, you see this very intriguing looking gentleman.
Okay.
(Clears throat) (High voice) Hello, I'm - I'm Gwen.
- Oh - You had to pick Gwen? - I'm sorry, I saw Bob standing there and that was the first name I thought of.
- They're always together.
- Okay.
Hold it together.
- Pick another name! - Okay, all right.
Uh okay, yeah.
Hi.
I'm Ronnie.
That's my friend Gwen.
Oh Okay, this is a disaster.
Thank you, Roland.
I'll take over from here.
- Bob, honestly, - (Crying) You know, just a few runs and you're gonna be drowning in phone numbers.
No.
No (Sobbing) I I can't breathe.
Ooh.
You know what? Jake did a great job with this.
Mm-hmm.
I was just about to say this coffee table really brings out your lips.
Okay, what? I can't compliment the guy? He's talented.
You know, he's like a, a one-man operation.
Not in my experience.
And I think it was very nice of him to invite us for drinks tonight.
- Wasn't it? - Yes, it was.
It was very nice and I think that we should get back to him about it.
About going to his place for "a whiskey or whatever"? David, I'm fine to have drinks - with one of your exes, okay? - Okay, first of all, Jake is nobody's ex and everybody's ex.
And second of all, going to Jake's for a drink is never just going to Jake's for a drink.
Oh oh.
So you okay, so you think he invited us over to to ? - Yes, I do.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, in that case, we definitely shouldn't go.
'Cause we're not really the kind of couple that - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah That being said, if we ever did decide to have "a whiskey" with someone, Jake would be the person to do that with because he literally doesn't care about anything.
So just I'm just throwing it out there.
I mean, we always have the option of going and just having a whiskey.
Okay.
And I always have the option of online shopping and just putting things in the cart.
That's not gonna happen.
Um what's all this? They just keep coming.
Well, congratulations.
That must mean everyone's happy.
Oh, very happy, yes.
Thanks to your little attack of the corvidae, we are Interflix's number one stream of the day.
Tied only with the fourth season of "Caroline in the City.
" From Interflix.
"To Alexis, congratulations and thank you.
The competition is eating crow.
" (Chuckles) "Love, your new best friends at Interflix.
" They're all for you.
Not those - those are from Joyce Dewitt.
I didn't want to overwhelm you, dear, I know you're being pulled in another direction.
Though, you might find a bit more delectation in this.
No, I do.
I I just like haven't received flowers from someone I wasn't friends with.
(Exhales sharply) What do I do? What do you want to do? I can't leave now.
If you're worried about the flowers, they'll likely be dead in a week.
Yeah, like my career if I walk away with everything that's going on.
I've already made Ted wait an extra month.
I can't back out now.
So you you weigh your options.
On the one hand, you are perched on the precipice of a dream come true and you can jump knowing, possibly for the first time, that you can succeed at anything to which you put your mind.
And on the other hand? - What other hand? - Ted! (Gasps) Dear Ted.
Yes, this is a quandary.
(Sighs heavily) (Music spills from bar, traffic whooshes by) (Low hum of chatter, pool balls clack) Well, things seem to be going well.
Yeah, look, they're standing pretty close together.
That must be a good sign.
Yeah, and he's not crossing his arms.
That's good body language.
And they're hugging! Uh-huh.
And now he's walking away.
Okay.
Well? How'd it go, Bob? It looked like you two were hitting off.
What're the odds of running into my marriage counselor here? I'm sorry, did you just say you picked up your marriage counselor? No.
I'm saying she told me she can't keep seeing me.
Apparently, there's a conflict of interest and, uh, she's chosen to go with Gwen.
But I can't blame her.
Okay, can we try my system now? We all laugh, on the count of three, as if Bob just told a very funny joke.
Oh, no pressure.
Well, you don't actually have to tell a joke, Bob.
Just act like you did.
And that might attract uh you know, someone's attention.
What if they ask me what I said? Well, they're not gonna ask you what you said.
I don't know, Johnny.
This sounds like a really complicated plan.
- Mm-hmm.
- It couldn't be more simple.
Just follow my lead.
(Laughing) All: (Laughing) It's working.
It's working.
Working.
Is something funny? Well, now that you mention it Because it looked like you were laughing at me.
Roland: (Snorts, stifles laughter poorly) No, It's, it's just my very available friend, Bob here, just said something so funny.
- What'd you say? - You said they wouldn't ask.
Ronnie: Okay, I'm not saying I'm bailing on this, but I think I'm gonna go mingle and I might not come back.
It's not so much, uh, what he said, it was just, uh, it was a funny observation.
(Laughs) Well, next time, observe someone else.
(Makes engine noise) Crrrash and burn, Johnny.
Boy, I I buckled under the pressure.
But she was a dead ringer for Gwen.
(Jacket rustles) Oh, didn't know we were bringing our friends tonight.
'Kay, I knew I shouldn't have worn this shirt.
No, it's nice, it's nice.
Is it new? And does it come in an adult size? It's not new.
I just haven't worn it yet.
- So it is new then.
- Is that cologne I smell? No.
This is a leather-scented body moisturizer.
So, you you moisturized your body then.
You know what? (Chuckles) Why don't we not do this? This is getting a bit complicated.
The only thing that's complicated here is the length of your sleeves.
Go long, go short.
Just pick one.
Um, as for this? If one of us wants to leave and the other one wants to stay, then - We both leave.
- We both leave, yeah.
So I think you should knock on the door because these arms are nice and warmed up.
All right.
(Knocking) - (Door opens) - Hi, boys.
So glad you could make it.
Come on in.
(Low hum of chatter and music) Oh wow.
A lot of people are here for drinks, David.
Yeah, a few more are on their way.
Make yourselves at home, boys.
- Great shirt, by the way.
- Aw.
Mm-hmm.
Thanks.
Um - We left our wine in the car.
- Oh.
So we should go get that.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Plenty of vino here.
Yeah, it's just that ours is um - kosher.
- Mm.
Well, hurry back.
We're gonna start the massage circle soon.
- Oh - Don't wanna miss it.
Think you're up for the massage circle? - This is way too many people.
- Yeah.
You have your coat.
We should go.
And Stevie? Oh my God.
Huh.
What're you doing here? - What're you two doing here? - We were - We were just - Invited for drinks? I don't know what you're talking about.
We came here to say hi - and now we're leaving.
- Mmhmm.
Can I not have one thing for myself? No.
Anyway, we're gonna go.
You gonna come with? Uh I still have like half a drink left, so I think I'm gonna finish it here, and then meet you guys later? - No, you won't.
- No, I won't.
- Okay.
- Have fun.
Bye.
(Crickets chirp) (Skype call rings) Ted: (Out of breath) Hey, sorry I'm late.
Myrtle was laying her eggs and the whole team was really excited.
Mmm! Yeah, I bet.
Fresh omelets.
Well, Myrtle's a green sea turtle, and they only spawn every two years, so eating her eggs would actually disrupt an entire ecosystem.
Plus, there's like a ton of cholesterol.
Mm.
Um, well, it sounds like you're super busy, so I don't wanna take up too much of your time, um, but I actually wanted to talk to you about something.
I know what you're going to say, Alexis.
- You do? - I've been dropping the ball when it comes to our phone dates.
Between juggling work and, and the time difference No, Ted, you haven't done anything wrong.
We've both been so busy with work, and then on top of all of that, you've been renovating your entire apartment for me.
Well, I put some screens on the windows.
I wouldn't really call it a renovation.
Okay, well, you bought a juicer.
(Chuckles) Um, but the more I've been thinking about it, the more I feel like - I think you should stay where you are.
- maybe I should stay here.
Sorry, did, did you say something? No.
Um What did you say? I can't have you come here, Alexis.
You'll hate it.
And I'm not just saying that because the screens that I installed are actually attracting more bugs somehow.
But you'd be leaving everything that you're doing to come here, and I can't guarantee that there won't have another trip that takes me away for days at a time.
D-don't get me wrong, I want you here so bad, but I know you.
And no matter how many juicers I buy, this place just won't feel like home.
Sorry.
I can't tell if the screen's frozen, or if you're just really shocked.
But if you still want to come, I'm not gonna tell you not to.
No, no, no, no.
Um you've made some very valid points.
Yeah.
I didn't even tell you about the shared bathroom situation.
Okay, well maybe you could've led with that.
Would've saved us some time.
Um, but I guess we just wait it out? Seems like our only option.
Yeah, until somebody invents teleportation.
(Chuckles) Okay, well, um nobody's home, so why don't we start by teleporting you out of that shirt? That's not really how teleportation works, but I think that I can (Gasps) Aww not again! I'm so sorry, uh, but the ants are back and, uh, I think what we're about to do probably wouldn't end very well if a fire ant was involved.
Um, rain check? Rain check.
- (Sighs) I love you! - (Button clicks) Uh, mm, oh! Love you.
(Motorcycle rumbles) Hey, I'm heading out.
Calling it a night? Well, actually, my night is just beginning.
Whoa Welcome to the players' club.
No, I'm not high-fiving that.
Look, her name is Vanessa, and she has a very single, very attractive friend over there, who was just telling me about all the trouble she's having with her car.
Bob, this is right up your alley.
Nobody knows their way around cars like you.
Yeah, I, uh, was really hoping to not talk shop.
Bob, just go over and talk to her.
Look, be yourself.
Have a mint.
Go, go, go, go.
And that, gentlemen, is how it's done.
Bye! You know, Roland, I do not miss being single.
- Whoa, here's to that.
- (Bottles clink) Cheers, my friend.
Not that I didn't have fun in my day.
They actually used to call me "the closer.
" Yeah.
(Chuckles) Well, that was probably because women used to close out their tabs and go home when you came into the bar.
All right, speaking of closing out tabs, I think we should get out of here.
Which is what the women used to say to each other when they saw you walking through the door.
I'm not setting you up anymore, Roland.
Which is that what your matchmaker said! - (Laughing) - Oh boy