Shameless US s06e06 Episode Script
NSFW
1 You don't think I have enough to do around here? Jesus, I'm not your fucking mother.
Here's what you missed last week on Shameless.
I'm Frank.
This is Debbie.
You're here to interview as the nanny.
Hi.
You're setting me up with a dying woman's husband? Unlock the downstairs window, I'll sneak in late, sleep on the floor.
I'll be gone before anyone wakes up.
I was hoping you'd come.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Man, what's with you and this bike anyway? When I was nine years old, I got a bike just like this one.
Had it for one day before Pops traded it for a rock.
Need my gun.
Oh, and don't forget, we still need a volunteer to host the foster child we're receiving this morning.
- We'll take him.
- What? - Who are they? - They're refugee kids.
You're not a boy.
How could you send out that picture of Helene? I just saw your phone there and the idea popped into my head like divine intervention.
It's all over the goddamn school.
I'm into you.
I thought you were into me.
- I am.
- Well, what's the problem? What do you want? - A date.
- A date? Fiona, the sheriffs are here.
They're kicking us out! What? They're putting everything on the street! What is going on? Getting evicted! think of all the luck you got know that it's not for naught you were beaming once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? round up the friends you got know that they're not for naught you were willing once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? on my grind all day and night I can't stop till my paper's right my cheese what's up? I hop by the drop on top of a red carpet niggers who start shit get your heart hit hardest nigger alive and the West is us neck is crushed the vest is fucked - nigga what's up? - what's up? ice bling like baby niggers in the club shady jack or mack your old lady this way this bae hold .
380s at your waistline next time you pay me Good thing we didn't get that apartment.
Hotels are for ballers.
Black with 12 sugars.
Sweet and dark, just like your bitches.
National Cheerleading Championships just rolled in.
Honeys all up and down this mofo.
Let's go down to the gym.
Bouncing treadmill titties.
Not even titties? Can't stay messed up about that bike forever, man.
Not gonna be forever.
How long? Till I make it right.
Holy shit.
Why am I here? Uh You crawled into bed hammered, then sang a little and passed out.
Oh, no.
Not Melissa Etheridge.
I don't know who that is.
Did I do anything else? Uh, you groped me a little.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
No worries.
Um, I'm gonna go make the kids pancakes.
Yesterday we did chocolate chip.
Today I'm gonna do blueberry and tomorrow we're trying for pumpkin.
Lot of pancakes.
Good morning! I'm here to concierge you through your hangover and straight into your doctor's appointment.
I passed out in Debbie's bed last night.
Yikes.
How'd she take it? Fine, but I-I feel like an idiot.
What's gotten into me? I'm not attracted to her.
I feel maternal towards her.
It's a nurturing instinct.
She's very nurture-able.
I'm losing my shit, Frank.
It's hitting me.
I just keep thinking about that coffin and my body inside it.
I'm gonna puke.
How was last night's tangle? Huh? You and Erica.
Little scissor action? Ew, no.
It was so not like that.
She was just drunk and confused, and she's married to a guy.
A woman's sexuality is as fluid as the Mississippi.
Mark my words, kid.
She's sweet on you.
You are so sexy when you're in the thrall of a small lit rectangle.
You're up early.
Procedure tomorrow freaking you out? Abortion, you mean? You can say the word.
And no.
What the hell is that? - Three grand a month? - Mm-hmm.
That place is a dump.
Yeah, it's a block away from our old place.
The fella who lived here hung himself.
I didn't see that in the listing.
You want coffee? Liam was born in that house.
And Carl and Debbie.
Yeah, and you were abused and neglected and saddled with the burden of raising five kids in that house.
What am I gonna do without Kev and V next door? You'll stay friends or you'll grow apart the way adults do.
I want some coffee.
Fuck! Fuck! I forgot something at the house.
I got to get it before the new owners move in.
You have time to go.
Go ahead, I'll watch Liam.
- Go.
- Thanks.
- I won't be long.
- Okay.
How are you so awesome? Trial and error.
Uh-oh.
Oh, goddamn pregnancy hormones.
Can't wait to get it sucked out.
Fuck.
Hey.
Get up.
What time is it? Like 10:00, so get up.
Uh, I need to ask you advice.
I'm going on a date.
Yeah, with the fireman? Yeah.
You know, Mickey and I never went out on dates.
Ned never took me out.
Kash and I fucked in the back of a convenience store, and I don't think jerking off strangers in a nightclub counts, so Well, how hard can it be? You know, you eat, you drink, and you bang till your balls fall off, right? What about clothes? I'd definitely wear some.
Yeah, asshole, I mean, like, what kind? Like fancy? Shit, I don't know, man.
I've never really been on a real date, either.
You know, not like an official one.
One sec.
- Yo.
- Holy shit, dude.
- Been online yet? - No, I just woke up.
That picture of your lady professor showed up on Gawker this morning.
What? It's labeled "not safe for work.
" I've got 106 new emails.
The provost wrote me? What's a provost? Being asked to appear before a Faculty Disciplinary Committee.
Damn.
Oh, my God.
Is that him or her? Look at that face.
Already up to no good.
It's a Gallagher all right.
I remember the first time I saw Fiona in Monica's gut.
She looked like a rotting apricot.
I screamed, "What the fuck is that?" And we were on a lot of drugs, but that fetus just looked unholly.
Came out perfect, though.
You sure you don't want to know the gender? Before we knew your gender we called you The Tumor.
Then they said you were a girl.
All of a sudden you were Debbie.
I was Debbie? Once you know the gender, your fetus goes from a clump of cells to a genuine person.
It's something.
Got to run.
Tell you what.
I'll write it down, stick it in an envelope.
You can hang onto it and decide later.
Cool.
Promised Erica I'd pick her up after her scan.
Rampant metastasis, here we come.
I was hoping for that.
I'm feeling lucky I'm feeling lucky tonight Whoo! Fuck.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to bust in.
I left something behind.
That explains the sound of smashing glass.
We're just finishing the inspection.
It's, ah, disappointing.
What do you mean? Termites, asbestos, mold, lead paint, foundation cracks, warped floor boards, water damage, missing copper pipes and plumbing fixtures, rodent infestation, shoddy electrical work, ancient furnace, major roof issues, freshly destroyed kitchen window and a broken closet door.
Also, it appears a large Hispanic family has been living under the house.
And the toilets back up, like, once a month, and the pipes freeze in the winter.
How much to fix it all, you think? Buck 50, give or take.
150 grand? Jesus.
My two cents? Throw this turd back in the sewer.
Door was open.
Hey, Helene, listen, I am so fucking sorry, okay? I'm gonna fix this.
Helene? Look, you have every right to be pissed, I just-- Helene.
Hey.
Hey! Hey, Doc.
Where's our trooper? You the, ah, cancer concierge? I like to think of myself as an ambassador for the pre-deceased.
Okay, well, she's groggy from the anti-anxiety meds.
I told her the news.
Not sure she absorbed it.
Let her rest.
Tell her again when the meds wear off.
How long does she have left? Couple weeks? A month? Could be several years.
More even.
Years you-- what? Her tumor has diminished considerably since her last scan.
Pretty much the ideal outcome for this course of treatment.
I'm thrilled.
I've got back-to-back surgeries, but I'll call tomorrow to follow up.
I'm fairly certain we can start using the term "remission.
" Retired police vehicle.
Can still smell the junkie flop sweat.
Perfect for a couple punks like yourselves.
You feeling this? Don't want a car.
You need a upgrade.
Let that bike go.
It's not about the bike.
It's about respect.
Who's ready for some juice? Hurricane bass.
Four 12-inch subwoofers and a 1200-watt amp.
Got no license.
Damn, take it easy.
Ain't been behind the wheel since I was eight.
tell a bitch I'm still paid swag me and my cool craze now she on my tip now my dick got a toothache Well, it seems you heard correctly.
That family's just rescinded their offer on your house.
So can we buy it? If you still have your down payment and your mortgage approval.
Yes! Thank you! Oh, my God! Okay, what now? Okay, uh, fill out this and this, sections 8 through 15, and these and these, and here is something for your spouse, and a little something from your insurance company-- Wait, spouse? I'm sorry, I thought-- I thought you were married.
I am, sort of.
What document? He's just co-signing the mortgage there.
Uh, unless the house won't be jointly owned? Oh, it won't.
We're separated.
Oh, well, then here is a document declaring he has no claim to the house, and it needs to be notarized there.
How long was I out? Couple hours.
Not myself these days.
Hey! Oh, that's wonderful.
Did Debbie help you with that? I used to make these things all the time with my little brother Liam.
I'm good with crafts.
I-- I love it, actually.
Really? You love it? I do.
How was your prenatal check-up? Uh, the gender's inside.
I haven't opened it yet.
Really? You know what you should do? You should have a gender reveal party.
What's that? Uh, you would give this to a baker and ask him to make you a cake with either pink or blue frosting on the inside, and then you invite people over, gather around, cut into the cake, and surprise! Oh, that's so cool.
We could do it here.
You can invite your family.
I'd love to meet them.
What is this, arts and crafts hour? Where's the Elmer's and macaroni? Getting my old customers back by keeping the hipsters away.
Aren't they kind of staying away on their own? Yeah, well, I'm trying to show my regulars that we're loyal to them, and we won't change for all the mustache wax in the city.
'Cause you already did, and you'd've kept doing it if they were still paying ten bucks for diet beer.
That was nice.
In my country, we have saying-- "Stay away from men with excessive facial hair.
" Is that true? No, you dumb fuck.
Everything I say is bullshit, but you believe me because I have accent and I never smile.
Okay, from now on, free well drinks for anyone who comes in with a utility shutoff, an EBT card, an eviction notice, or an unemployment stub.
Pass that shit on.
Gentlemen, and gentleman-adjacent, riddle me this-- how is it that a woman can be on death's door one day and healthy as a summer daisy the next? I'll tell you.
Because taxpayers like me subsidize massively overpriced cancer drugs so that doctors can buy their wives new faces.
Or treat patients and stave off premature death.
Who asked you? Beerkeep, my daily.
Hey, everyone! An announcement! My winsome young progeny here is with sperm! Gonna be a grandfather for the first time.
You, wipe tables.
- You, feed baby.
- Okay.
I thought Chuckie was your first grandkid.
There's no way that retarded donut is a Gallagher.
Probably found him in the discard bin at the Goodwill.
Frank, I-I think you were right about Erica.
Things are getting weird.
She was holding my hand for, like, a really long time, and staring at me like this.
Debs, it's time to face the fact that you are a sweet, earthy hunk of Irish sod, meant to be shared by flesh farmers of all persuasions.
What are you talking about? Erica is in remission.
What? She was dying.
Well, now she's not.
I'm withholding the news so that you can step up your game, but you better do it quick 'cause she's gonna find out soon.
Step up what game? There's no way they're gonna keep a nanny if Erica's healthy.
You got to find another way in.
She already thinks you're a babe.
Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
But I like boys.
Don't you want to raise your baby in a cozy home? Of course, but-- Then throw her a bone.
Uh, little finger bang here, nipple tweak there.
I don't know how! You don't have to go downtown right away.
You can work up to it.
Otherwise, come winter, you're gonna find yourself begging for pocket change from a roadside snowbank with an infant in your lap.
A lesson in parenting, gentlemen.
Who knows, you might like it.
There's nothing like the love of a good woman to make someone feel special.
My God, I miss that.
Last week you wanted me to bang Tyler, now his wife.
I'm not that person, Frank.
I'll find my own way in without sex.
I'll, um, I'll become like a family member.
Quickest way to a woman's heart is through her la-la, but if your way works, more power to you.
All right, what do you guys think? You spelled "tattoo" with four Ts.
- Ta-t-tattoo! - Terrific job, Kev! Open up, Amanda.
Look, I can hear you.
Look, just tell the board you made a mistake.
Say you're a jealous cunt and you didn't mean to get her in trouble.
What board? The committee.
The provost.
No idea what you're talking about.
What do you mean? They didn't ask you to come in? Nope.
Excuse me.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Then-- then-- then make a-- a statement or post a retraction somewhere.
- Where? - Online! Do you actually not understand how the internet works? I don't care how it works, okay? Helene could lose her job! Well, maybe she should have thought about that before she started banging her students, and maybe you should learn how to treat the girls that you sleep with better.
Ever heard of the campsite rule? The what? Leave the area in better shape than you found it, asshole.
- Move.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Give me a break.
Where are you going? The feminazis are after me.
Accused me of trying to destroy a high status female because I've internalized my own gender oppression.
2,000 comments on my Facebook page, including death threats.
My parents want me to leave campus until it blows over.
You're on your own, Lip.
But then again, I guess you always were.
Gus, hi.
Thanks for calling me back.
I, uh, I just need you to sign some papers so that I can buy my house back.
Hello? Hello? Shit.
Gus? Hello? Fuck.
What brings you over here? In the neighborhood.
This your new family? I mean the family at your new job? Uh, yeah.
You kill my unborn niece or nephew yet? Tomorrow morning, bright and early.
Whatever.
Uh, so I'm having a gender reveal party at my boss's house, - so - A what? It's when you cut a cake and see if there's pink or blue frosting inside.
Surprise.
You inviting me to your party? I don't know.
Yeah.
'Cause, like, there's stuff I want to talk to you about, but we've been hating each other so bad, so I can't, and it sucks because I don't know who else to go to, but I can't trust you because you don't support me.
I do support you, Debs.
I just don't support all your choices.
I am my choices, Fiona.
Why don't you see that? Whatever.
All right, well have fun.
- Bye, Liam! - Bye.
You okay? Ask me tomorrow.
"Battery died.
Will meet you at The Alibi between 10:00 PM and 1:00 AM" Huh, three hours? He's just fucking with me.
Usually I get a bunch of apps to share.
You good with that? Mm.
Appetizers.
Sure, yeah.
Yeah.
Big-- big fan of apps.
Hi.
We'll take a bottle of the 2005 Boulay Sancerre, some crab cakes, the roasted Brussels, the spiced almonds, and a prosciutto plate.
Yeah.
You seem like a very pensive kind of guy.
- You an only child? - Uh, no.
- Brothers and sisters? - A bunch, yeah.
- Older or younger? - Both.
What about your parents? Both still alive? Yeah.
Fantastic.
I'm learning so much.
Look-- look, I-- I have no idea what I'm doing.
My last boyfriend wasn't much of a talker.
His idea of a conversation was to insult me a bunch and then punch me right before we banged.
You're a victim of domestic abuse? Where I'm from, people communicate with their fists.
- And where is that? - South Side.
Mm.
"Hands of steel.
" Okay, so you're a street rat.
A brawler.
Is that a problem? Only if you make it one.
I got to get to the firehouse.
Thought you were off-duty.
I know this sounds like an excuse considering how well this is going, but Hank's kid is sick.
He needs me to cover.
Let me come with you.
To the firehouse? Yeah, I want to go for a run.
All right.
Lay low.
We're closed.
Oh, my God.
Please.
This cake is for a party that could prevent me from either becoming a pregnant, homeless teenage mom or having to have gay sex with Melissa Etherick's former girlfriend.
What you need? Gender party.
The sex of my baby is inside.
For when? - Tomorrow.
- Nuh-uh.
Got to order that bougie shit in advance.
Uh, well, what can you do by tomorrow? Those stale-ass cupcakes.
Can re-cream them with blue or pink in the morning.
How do you re-cream a cupcake? Poke a hole in the bottom, scoop out the filling with a tiny spoon, pack a syringe with fresh cream, stick it in the hole, squeeze.
Thank you so much! Thank you! "Goldilocks was tired, so she went upstairs.
'This bed is too hard.
This bed is too soft.
This bed is just right!' And then the bears came home.
" Know what happens next? Okay, no.
We do not kill Goldilocks.
Goldilocks is good.
We do not kill good people.
- Then who? - No one.
Kill bears then.
No, she-- she just drove off.
I mean, she didn't even look at me.
I'll be there tomorrow offering silent moral support from behind a yellow legal pad.
What am I supposed to say to them? What do you want from all this? I don't want her to lose her job, and I want her to not break up with me.
She loses her job, you're free to get freaky wherever and whenever.
She keeps it, no way she's gonna take that kind of risk again.
Yeah, but if she loses her job because of me, she-- she's still never gonna want to see me again.
Precisely.
Catch-22.
Remember this-- we have only two jobs on this earth.
The first, to learn.
The second, to cope.
And by cope you mean, uh, walking through life shitfaced? We all find ways to soften the edges.
Some edges need more softening than others.
What are your edges? My edges are named Molly and Tabitha.
Both seized by somebody taller, richer, and less of a fuckup.
One of them was nine.
You have a daughter? To finding something worth learning.
And to coping with it.
Once we hit a cool mil, think I'm gonna buy me a sick crib.
Bear skin rug, game room, recording studio, hot tub.
Thug for life, homes.
Not me.
Not you what? Couple more gigs, I'm out.
Damn.
You got a plan? Farmer.
Like, on a farm with corn and shit? Nah.
Goats and cows and chickens and pigs.
No people.
Ain't good with people.
Seem good with me.
You different.
You straight.
Most people be twisty.
Hey, how about we nab a dope pad around here, score a few acres up in Will County for the weekends.
Sit around drinking King Cobras and watch our cows hump one another.
Hey, let's go terrorize that shady Iranian optometrist.
Fucker owes me five stacks.
Eviction notice.
Where's my booze? Tommy, how many people did you tell? One.
You said "free" and "drink.
" Doesn't take more than that.
Incoming! Man with lady bun! What's with the sign, bro? The Alibi is serving working-class regulars only, so you and your bun buddies can take your privileged asses to the overpriced toilet down the street.
- Capiche? - Whatever, man.
Whatever this.
Okay.
Ah! Nice! Who's tired of the smell of latte foam and ball cheese? Me.
Fuck those super rich little douchebags.
You guys are the real deal.
All right.
Here here.
So it's back to metabolized rotgut and decaying homeless person.
I've been called worse.
It's like the unemployment office in here.
It gives me the willies.
Why are you still doing here, Frank? A question for the ages.
You said you needed a notary for two signatures.
I've been here three hours.
I don't know where he is.
Somebody got stood up.
Mind your business.
The heck you need a notary for? I'm trying to buy back the house that you stripped clean last week, but I need Gus to sign something first.
Attagirl.
Me and Debbie might need a back up place.
If I buy this house, there's no way you're slipping back in under my roof.
I said, "might.
" Besides, doesn't sound like you're pulling it off, what with hubby MIA.
Piss off, Frank.
I don't need your charity.
The three of us will do just fine on our own.
Me, my devoted daughter, and my granddaughter-to-be.
Debbie's having a girl? My wife is pregnant.
My kid has an ear infection.
I need to get home.
What the fuck does that mean? "Hung up.
Might not make it.
" Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit.
$30 for travel plus a $65 waiting fee.
I'll take cash.
Sir, can you hear me? Hey, what happened? I stabbed him.
He fucked with me for the last time.
Caleb! Listen, I'll be right back, okay? You okay? I think he broke it.
All right, hold still.
You're gonna be okay.
One, two-- Three.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing? Her arm is broken.
You're not trained.
I learned this in basic.
Thanks.
I'll take over.
Rough meeting? No meeting.
Gus texted at 1:07 to say that he'd meet me at Patsy's tomorrow.
Told me to bring his grandmother's ring.
He's just punishing me, which I get, but it sucks.
How was your day? Oh, yeah, we went to the fall festival.
Will and Liam raced corn-cob cars and shared root beer floats.
How sweet.
Yeah, they passed out on the pull-out surrounded by comic books.
Lip and Ian used to do that.
They'd spread all the blankets out in the living room and put out all their comics and see who could stay up latest in their little footie pajamas.
Oh.
Oh, hey.
Come back, Hormone Girl.
Come on.
We both need a lot of rest before your thing tomorrow.
Abortion, okay? Why do you need rest? You're not coming.
Uh, yeah, I am.
I'm fine, Sean.
Yeah, I know you're fine.
Of course you are, but I'm also still coming.
Trying to be a hero? Nope.
Just trying to be a partner.
I'm about to ask you some very intrusive questions.
Please answer to the best of your knowledge.
How long did you know Dr.
Runyon before you became intimate? Um about an hour and a half.
Maybe less.
Um, I-- I came to class late.
And what was the pretense of that encounter? Well, I-- I'd gone to her office to make up on some of the work that I'd missed.
And there you had intercourse.
No.
No, not exactly.
But the encounter was of a sexual nature? Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Non-penetrative? No.
I mean, yes.
Uh non, yeah.
Oral? Uh, yes.
You performed this on her, or she on you? It was, um-- it was me to her.
Did she coerce you to perform this sex act? I'm not sure exactly how you coerce someone into doing that kind of thing.
Answer the question, please.
She did not coerce me.
No.
Have you ever received improved grades or academic privileges in exchange for sex? I-- I don't need any favors.
Whether or not you need them is beside the point.
We're trying to determine intent.
Did Dr.
Runyon offer you any special compensation during your relationship? She wasn't taking advantage of me.
If that's what you're getting at, I'm not a victim.
Okay? It was consensual.
We're not the enemy, Mr.
Gallagher.
Just answer the questions simply and truthfully.
You feel okay? Yeah.
Valium and ibuprofen seem to be working.
Okay.
You might feel a cramp now.
It's similar to a period cramp but sharper.
Hang tight.
You can hold my hand if you need to.
No, I'm okay.
Focus on your breathing instead of the sensation.
In through the nose, out through the mouth.
That was quick.
How do you feel? Un-pregnant and starving.
They gave me a pad for the bleeding.
I never wear pads.
I feel like I have a burrito between my legs.
Bleeding? Yeah, totally normal.
It should slow down in a few hours.
They said if I feel okay later I could even go back to work.
But you're okay? I'll be honest, I'm devastated I'm not drinking a milkshake right now.
C-R-I-M-I-N-A-L smooth love Thanks for driving me.
My party's gonna be super fun.
Whose car is this? Company car.
Cool.
I'm really glad you could make it, and I hope you guys like cupcakes.
Fuck, man.
That's my fucking bike.
Slow down! I'm pregnant! It's not worth it.
Think of the farm.
The fucking cows, man.
Another romantic meal with just the three of us.
"Need to push an hour.
7:00 PM okay?" Dickwad.
If he stands me up again, I'm just showing up at his apartment with a notary in one hand and a baseball bat in the other.
Tell me again why getting the house is so important.
I don't even know anymore.
I mean, Debbie's family is throwing her a party, for fuck's sake.
A gender party.
You gonna go? It's baby related, so, no.
You'll always be the person who raised them, you know.
Regardless of what they do or where they live.
What if I don't want to be that anymore? What if I just want to be their sister? Oh, so now you hipsters want to come in now that we don't want you.
Ironic, isn't it? Don't rile them up.
Kev.
Snuck in through the back.
Got a whisky sour.
Hey, defend the fortress.
Head up to the roof and dump acid on their heads.
All right, hang on, Tommy.
Where's your ghetto cred, buddy? What is this? Food stamps.
These are stamp stamps.
From a post office.
You even know what food stamps look like? All right, tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna let you stay 'cause I like your initiative, but you're gonna have to pay a cover.
How much? $10.
$15? $20? $20.
Yeah, $20.
Now go tell your friends.
I'll let in four hipsters every hour, but it's $20 a head.
You got it? Go tell them.
We're in! We did it.
All right, but easy.
Easy, easy, easy! You'll all get your turn.
We're gonna need to get a bouncer, and we need to get a scary one.
Like, pants-shitting-ly scary.
Want some coffee? Sure.
This is all for your sculpture stuff? Yeah.
Used to get scraps from burned-down homes on our runs, but homeowners don't love it when firemen take their stuff.
- Cream or sugar? - Black.
You sell these? To friends sometimes, if they're drunk enough.
What's this one? That's my latest.
I love to find the treasure inside the trash.
I try to find the secret life in things.
What it wants to be instead of what it is.
Is that what you're doing with me? That's a good question.
Can I kiss you? I thought kissing comes after you've had sex a bunch of times.
Ian, kissing comes whenever you want it to.
Even now.
Fiona's not coming? We can just start without her.
So, thank you guys all so much for coming.
Bathroom? Oh, it-- right down the hallway.
Um, so as you guys know, I kind of wanted to keep the gender of my baby a surprise, but Erica here, who's been like a mother to me, suggested I throw this party and include everyone, so, that's what I did.
Um, it's my doctor.
Um, I have take this.
So Sorry.
I'll just-- I'll be one sec.
Wait, Carl! Fuck! Um, Frank, I was thinking a lot about this, and guess what? I think I'm gonna name the baby after Erica.
Eric if it's a boy.
- What do you think of that? - Thumbs up.
Awesome.
Um I'm in remission.
- Hey, fantastic! - Wow! That's so awesome.
We got involved, and unfortunately my marriage was in a transitional place at the time.
I understand that, while not banned outright in our code of conduct, sleeping with students reflects poor judgment on my part.
It not only jeopardizes my standing with the university, but compromises the emotional well-being of the student in question.
I'm willing to take a probationary leave of absence, during which time I will prepare a statement regarding my behavior that the University may choose to make public at any point.
In the meantime, I have terminated all contact with said student, and intend to continue this course of action.
We also recommend that you seek counseling.
We understand this is not your first encounter with a student in this capacity.
It is simply your most public.
I've already begun to see a therapist who specializes in sex addiction.
Thank you, Dr.
Runyon.
We'll render a decision shortly.
It's not a crime to want to fuck.
I mean, what is it with you people? Ah, he hasn't been getting much sleep.
I've been working him pretty hard.
We would like to provide you with mental health services to help you cope with this ordeal, Mr.
Gallagher.
What happened between Helene and me wasn't wrong, okay? And I don't need to cope with it.
We're-- we're in love.
Okay? As I've said, this relationship has been terminated.
Sex addiction? The hell is that shit? Look, I know you had to say that stuff in there to cover your own ass, but it's not an ordeal, okay? Not for me.
Could you stop for a second and fucking look at me? So what? That's it then, huh? What, that's how you want to end this? Don't follow me.
Don't text me.
Stay away from my home, my husband, my son.
Don't make this any uglier than you already have.
Yo.
Yo, what'd you do? I called the cops.
You better split.
Wh-wh-why? Hey, do you have a sanitary pad I could borrow? The machine in the bathroom might have one from the '80s.
Hi.
Thanks for coming.
This is gonna be really quick.
This is Abe, the notary.
Where's my ring? It's in a safety deposit box at the bank, which is closed right now, but I can grab it for you first thing tomorrow morning.
Okay, these documents release your rights to the house so that I can buy it back under my name.
So my signature gets you something you want? Correct.
Where's the paper that gets me what I want? What do you want? Well, I wanted a wife who wasn't a lying, cheating sack of shit, but I guess that's impossible, so I'll settle for an explanation.
I want to know why you think I owe you anything.
You don't.
So this is a-- a favor? I guess.
I do favors for friends.
We're not friends.
So basically, this is you asking me for something and offering me nothing in return.
Hey, what's up? Hey, is Fiona here? Not yet.
You okay? You need anything? What, are you hungry? Can I-- can I stay here tonight? Uh Uh, sure.
You can sleep in Will's bed.
Come on.
Oh, my only grandson, what you doing under there? Everyone's gone.
- They all forgot you? - Yeah.
- How long you been under there? - Two days.
It gets cold at night.
I pee my pants to stay warm.
Wise choice.
Hey, how about-- how about sharing some of those beans with a hungry old man? I called my mom in prison.
She said someone would get me.
And here I am.
Your messiah.
Hand me the hot sauce, would you? It's over.
Gus wouldn't sign.
I can't get the loan and I lost the house.
Oh, honey.
Hey.
Easy.
I'm so exhausted It's okay.
Just breathe.
And my family's shattered, and Debbie's having a girl and she can't talk to me And I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know what I'm doing.
You mind if I come in? Tyler's not back yet and I'm too excited to sleep.
Sure.
Don't worry, I promise not to touch you even though you're way too adorable.
Here.
I'll stay down on the floor like a good little bitch.
Oh.
Ah.
I can't believe I got a second shot.
Oh.
I'm gonna try to have a life this time.
I'm gonna make pipe cleaners, and go to shows and hit the gym.
I'm gonna fuck women! If Tyler will let me.
Even if he doesn't let me.
I love having you here.
Well, I love being here.
I wish you didn't have to go.
Chuckie? Chuckle Berry! Hey, Dump Truck, is that you? Grandma! Hi.
Come here.
Mmm.
Hi.
Oh.
Queenie? Oh.
Well, look who it is.
Squirming around in the filth just like I left you.
How did you find me? Well, I wasn't looking for you, baby.
I was looking for this chubby little menace.
Sammi asked me to watch him while she's locked up.
It's good to see you.
Slimy fucker.
Oh, God.
Come on, let's do it.
Come on, let's do it.
Come here.
Oh, my God.
Take your pants down.
Take your pants down.
I dug it up.
What the hell is this? Buy back the house.
Here's what you missed last week on Shameless.
I'm Frank.
This is Debbie.
You're here to interview as the nanny.
Hi.
You're setting me up with a dying woman's husband? Unlock the downstairs window, I'll sneak in late, sleep on the floor.
I'll be gone before anyone wakes up.
I was hoping you'd come.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Man, what's with you and this bike anyway? When I was nine years old, I got a bike just like this one.
Had it for one day before Pops traded it for a rock.
Need my gun.
Oh, and don't forget, we still need a volunteer to host the foster child we're receiving this morning.
- We'll take him.
- What? - Who are they? - They're refugee kids.
You're not a boy.
How could you send out that picture of Helene? I just saw your phone there and the idea popped into my head like divine intervention.
It's all over the goddamn school.
I'm into you.
I thought you were into me.
- I am.
- Well, what's the problem? What do you want? - A date.
- A date? Fiona, the sheriffs are here.
They're kicking us out! What? They're putting everything on the street! What is going on? Getting evicted! think of all the luck you got know that it's not for naught you were beaming once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? round up the friends you got know that they're not for naught you were willing once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? on my grind all day and night I can't stop till my paper's right my cheese what's up? I hop by the drop on top of a red carpet niggers who start shit get your heart hit hardest nigger alive and the West is us neck is crushed the vest is fucked - nigga what's up? - what's up? ice bling like baby niggers in the club shady jack or mack your old lady this way this bae hold .
380s at your waistline next time you pay me Good thing we didn't get that apartment.
Hotels are for ballers.
Black with 12 sugars.
Sweet and dark, just like your bitches.
National Cheerleading Championships just rolled in.
Honeys all up and down this mofo.
Let's go down to the gym.
Bouncing treadmill titties.
Not even titties? Can't stay messed up about that bike forever, man.
Not gonna be forever.
How long? Till I make it right.
Holy shit.
Why am I here? Uh You crawled into bed hammered, then sang a little and passed out.
Oh, no.
Not Melissa Etheridge.
I don't know who that is.
Did I do anything else? Uh, you groped me a little.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
No worries.
Um, I'm gonna go make the kids pancakes.
Yesterday we did chocolate chip.
Today I'm gonna do blueberry and tomorrow we're trying for pumpkin.
Lot of pancakes.
Good morning! I'm here to concierge you through your hangover and straight into your doctor's appointment.
I passed out in Debbie's bed last night.
Yikes.
How'd she take it? Fine, but I-I feel like an idiot.
What's gotten into me? I'm not attracted to her.
I feel maternal towards her.
It's a nurturing instinct.
She's very nurture-able.
I'm losing my shit, Frank.
It's hitting me.
I just keep thinking about that coffin and my body inside it.
I'm gonna puke.
How was last night's tangle? Huh? You and Erica.
Little scissor action? Ew, no.
It was so not like that.
She was just drunk and confused, and she's married to a guy.
A woman's sexuality is as fluid as the Mississippi.
Mark my words, kid.
She's sweet on you.
You are so sexy when you're in the thrall of a small lit rectangle.
You're up early.
Procedure tomorrow freaking you out? Abortion, you mean? You can say the word.
And no.
What the hell is that? - Three grand a month? - Mm-hmm.
That place is a dump.
Yeah, it's a block away from our old place.
The fella who lived here hung himself.
I didn't see that in the listing.
You want coffee? Liam was born in that house.
And Carl and Debbie.
Yeah, and you were abused and neglected and saddled with the burden of raising five kids in that house.
What am I gonna do without Kev and V next door? You'll stay friends or you'll grow apart the way adults do.
I want some coffee.
Fuck! Fuck! I forgot something at the house.
I got to get it before the new owners move in.
You have time to go.
Go ahead, I'll watch Liam.
- Go.
- Thanks.
- I won't be long.
- Okay.
How are you so awesome? Trial and error.
Uh-oh.
Oh, goddamn pregnancy hormones.
Can't wait to get it sucked out.
Fuck.
Hey.
Get up.
What time is it? Like 10:00, so get up.
Uh, I need to ask you advice.
I'm going on a date.
Yeah, with the fireman? Yeah.
You know, Mickey and I never went out on dates.
Ned never took me out.
Kash and I fucked in the back of a convenience store, and I don't think jerking off strangers in a nightclub counts, so Well, how hard can it be? You know, you eat, you drink, and you bang till your balls fall off, right? What about clothes? I'd definitely wear some.
Yeah, asshole, I mean, like, what kind? Like fancy? Shit, I don't know, man.
I've never really been on a real date, either.
You know, not like an official one.
One sec.
- Yo.
- Holy shit, dude.
- Been online yet? - No, I just woke up.
That picture of your lady professor showed up on Gawker this morning.
What? It's labeled "not safe for work.
" I've got 106 new emails.
The provost wrote me? What's a provost? Being asked to appear before a Faculty Disciplinary Committee.
Damn.
Oh, my God.
Is that him or her? Look at that face.
Already up to no good.
It's a Gallagher all right.
I remember the first time I saw Fiona in Monica's gut.
She looked like a rotting apricot.
I screamed, "What the fuck is that?" And we were on a lot of drugs, but that fetus just looked unholly.
Came out perfect, though.
You sure you don't want to know the gender? Before we knew your gender we called you The Tumor.
Then they said you were a girl.
All of a sudden you were Debbie.
I was Debbie? Once you know the gender, your fetus goes from a clump of cells to a genuine person.
It's something.
Got to run.
Tell you what.
I'll write it down, stick it in an envelope.
You can hang onto it and decide later.
Cool.
Promised Erica I'd pick her up after her scan.
Rampant metastasis, here we come.
I was hoping for that.
I'm feeling lucky I'm feeling lucky tonight Whoo! Fuck.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to bust in.
I left something behind.
That explains the sound of smashing glass.
We're just finishing the inspection.
It's, ah, disappointing.
What do you mean? Termites, asbestos, mold, lead paint, foundation cracks, warped floor boards, water damage, missing copper pipes and plumbing fixtures, rodent infestation, shoddy electrical work, ancient furnace, major roof issues, freshly destroyed kitchen window and a broken closet door.
Also, it appears a large Hispanic family has been living under the house.
And the toilets back up, like, once a month, and the pipes freeze in the winter.
How much to fix it all, you think? Buck 50, give or take.
150 grand? Jesus.
My two cents? Throw this turd back in the sewer.
Door was open.
Hey, Helene, listen, I am so fucking sorry, okay? I'm gonna fix this.
Helene? Look, you have every right to be pissed, I just-- Helene.
Hey.
Hey! Hey, Doc.
Where's our trooper? You the, ah, cancer concierge? I like to think of myself as an ambassador for the pre-deceased.
Okay, well, she's groggy from the anti-anxiety meds.
I told her the news.
Not sure she absorbed it.
Let her rest.
Tell her again when the meds wear off.
How long does she have left? Couple weeks? A month? Could be several years.
More even.
Years you-- what? Her tumor has diminished considerably since her last scan.
Pretty much the ideal outcome for this course of treatment.
I'm thrilled.
I've got back-to-back surgeries, but I'll call tomorrow to follow up.
I'm fairly certain we can start using the term "remission.
" Retired police vehicle.
Can still smell the junkie flop sweat.
Perfect for a couple punks like yourselves.
You feeling this? Don't want a car.
You need a upgrade.
Let that bike go.
It's not about the bike.
It's about respect.
Who's ready for some juice? Hurricane bass.
Four 12-inch subwoofers and a 1200-watt amp.
Got no license.
Damn, take it easy.
Ain't been behind the wheel since I was eight.
tell a bitch I'm still paid swag me and my cool craze now she on my tip now my dick got a toothache Well, it seems you heard correctly.
That family's just rescinded their offer on your house.
So can we buy it? If you still have your down payment and your mortgage approval.
Yes! Thank you! Oh, my God! Okay, what now? Okay, uh, fill out this and this, sections 8 through 15, and these and these, and here is something for your spouse, and a little something from your insurance company-- Wait, spouse? I'm sorry, I thought-- I thought you were married.
I am, sort of.
What document? He's just co-signing the mortgage there.
Uh, unless the house won't be jointly owned? Oh, it won't.
We're separated.
Oh, well, then here is a document declaring he has no claim to the house, and it needs to be notarized there.
How long was I out? Couple hours.
Not myself these days.
Hey! Oh, that's wonderful.
Did Debbie help you with that? I used to make these things all the time with my little brother Liam.
I'm good with crafts.
I-- I love it, actually.
Really? You love it? I do.
How was your prenatal check-up? Uh, the gender's inside.
I haven't opened it yet.
Really? You know what you should do? You should have a gender reveal party.
What's that? Uh, you would give this to a baker and ask him to make you a cake with either pink or blue frosting on the inside, and then you invite people over, gather around, cut into the cake, and surprise! Oh, that's so cool.
We could do it here.
You can invite your family.
I'd love to meet them.
What is this, arts and crafts hour? Where's the Elmer's and macaroni? Getting my old customers back by keeping the hipsters away.
Aren't they kind of staying away on their own? Yeah, well, I'm trying to show my regulars that we're loyal to them, and we won't change for all the mustache wax in the city.
'Cause you already did, and you'd've kept doing it if they were still paying ten bucks for diet beer.
That was nice.
In my country, we have saying-- "Stay away from men with excessive facial hair.
" Is that true? No, you dumb fuck.
Everything I say is bullshit, but you believe me because I have accent and I never smile.
Okay, from now on, free well drinks for anyone who comes in with a utility shutoff, an EBT card, an eviction notice, or an unemployment stub.
Pass that shit on.
Gentlemen, and gentleman-adjacent, riddle me this-- how is it that a woman can be on death's door one day and healthy as a summer daisy the next? I'll tell you.
Because taxpayers like me subsidize massively overpriced cancer drugs so that doctors can buy their wives new faces.
Or treat patients and stave off premature death.
Who asked you? Beerkeep, my daily.
Hey, everyone! An announcement! My winsome young progeny here is with sperm! Gonna be a grandfather for the first time.
You, wipe tables.
- You, feed baby.
- Okay.
I thought Chuckie was your first grandkid.
There's no way that retarded donut is a Gallagher.
Probably found him in the discard bin at the Goodwill.
Frank, I-I think you were right about Erica.
Things are getting weird.
She was holding my hand for, like, a really long time, and staring at me like this.
Debs, it's time to face the fact that you are a sweet, earthy hunk of Irish sod, meant to be shared by flesh farmers of all persuasions.
What are you talking about? Erica is in remission.
What? She was dying.
Well, now she's not.
I'm withholding the news so that you can step up your game, but you better do it quick 'cause she's gonna find out soon.
Step up what game? There's no way they're gonna keep a nanny if Erica's healthy.
You got to find another way in.
She already thinks you're a babe.
Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
But I like boys.
Don't you want to raise your baby in a cozy home? Of course, but-- Then throw her a bone.
Uh, little finger bang here, nipple tweak there.
I don't know how! You don't have to go downtown right away.
You can work up to it.
Otherwise, come winter, you're gonna find yourself begging for pocket change from a roadside snowbank with an infant in your lap.
A lesson in parenting, gentlemen.
Who knows, you might like it.
There's nothing like the love of a good woman to make someone feel special.
My God, I miss that.
Last week you wanted me to bang Tyler, now his wife.
I'm not that person, Frank.
I'll find my own way in without sex.
I'll, um, I'll become like a family member.
Quickest way to a woman's heart is through her la-la, but if your way works, more power to you.
All right, what do you guys think? You spelled "tattoo" with four Ts.
- Ta-t-tattoo! - Terrific job, Kev! Open up, Amanda.
Look, I can hear you.
Look, just tell the board you made a mistake.
Say you're a jealous cunt and you didn't mean to get her in trouble.
What board? The committee.
The provost.
No idea what you're talking about.
What do you mean? They didn't ask you to come in? Nope.
Excuse me.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Then-- then-- then make a-- a statement or post a retraction somewhere.
- Where? - Online! Do you actually not understand how the internet works? I don't care how it works, okay? Helene could lose her job! Well, maybe she should have thought about that before she started banging her students, and maybe you should learn how to treat the girls that you sleep with better.
Ever heard of the campsite rule? The what? Leave the area in better shape than you found it, asshole.
- Move.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Give me a break.
Where are you going? The feminazis are after me.
Accused me of trying to destroy a high status female because I've internalized my own gender oppression.
2,000 comments on my Facebook page, including death threats.
My parents want me to leave campus until it blows over.
You're on your own, Lip.
But then again, I guess you always were.
Gus, hi.
Thanks for calling me back.
I, uh, I just need you to sign some papers so that I can buy my house back.
Hello? Hello? Shit.
Gus? Hello? Fuck.
What brings you over here? In the neighborhood.
This your new family? I mean the family at your new job? Uh, yeah.
You kill my unborn niece or nephew yet? Tomorrow morning, bright and early.
Whatever.
Uh, so I'm having a gender reveal party at my boss's house, - so - A what? It's when you cut a cake and see if there's pink or blue frosting inside.
Surprise.
You inviting me to your party? I don't know.
Yeah.
'Cause, like, there's stuff I want to talk to you about, but we've been hating each other so bad, so I can't, and it sucks because I don't know who else to go to, but I can't trust you because you don't support me.
I do support you, Debs.
I just don't support all your choices.
I am my choices, Fiona.
Why don't you see that? Whatever.
All right, well have fun.
- Bye, Liam! - Bye.
You okay? Ask me tomorrow.
"Battery died.
Will meet you at The Alibi between 10:00 PM and 1:00 AM" Huh, three hours? He's just fucking with me.
Usually I get a bunch of apps to share.
You good with that? Mm.
Appetizers.
Sure, yeah.
Yeah.
Big-- big fan of apps.
Hi.
We'll take a bottle of the 2005 Boulay Sancerre, some crab cakes, the roasted Brussels, the spiced almonds, and a prosciutto plate.
Yeah.
You seem like a very pensive kind of guy.
- You an only child? - Uh, no.
- Brothers and sisters? - A bunch, yeah.
- Older or younger? - Both.
What about your parents? Both still alive? Yeah.
Fantastic.
I'm learning so much.
Look-- look, I-- I have no idea what I'm doing.
My last boyfriend wasn't much of a talker.
His idea of a conversation was to insult me a bunch and then punch me right before we banged.
You're a victim of domestic abuse? Where I'm from, people communicate with their fists.
- And where is that? - South Side.
Mm.
"Hands of steel.
" Okay, so you're a street rat.
A brawler.
Is that a problem? Only if you make it one.
I got to get to the firehouse.
Thought you were off-duty.
I know this sounds like an excuse considering how well this is going, but Hank's kid is sick.
He needs me to cover.
Let me come with you.
To the firehouse? Yeah, I want to go for a run.
All right.
Lay low.
We're closed.
Oh, my God.
Please.
This cake is for a party that could prevent me from either becoming a pregnant, homeless teenage mom or having to have gay sex with Melissa Etherick's former girlfriend.
What you need? Gender party.
The sex of my baby is inside.
For when? - Tomorrow.
- Nuh-uh.
Got to order that bougie shit in advance.
Uh, well, what can you do by tomorrow? Those stale-ass cupcakes.
Can re-cream them with blue or pink in the morning.
How do you re-cream a cupcake? Poke a hole in the bottom, scoop out the filling with a tiny spoon, pack a syringe with fresh cream, stick it in the hole, squeeze.
Thank you so much! Thank you! "Goldilocks was tired, so she went upstairs.
'This bed is too hard.
This bed is too soft.
This bed is just right!' And then the bears came home.
" Know what happens next? Okay, no.
We do not kill Goldilocks.
Goldilocks is good.
We do not kill good people.
- Then who? - No one.
Kill bears then.
No, she-- she just drove off.
I mean, she didn't even look at me.
I'll be there tomorrow offering silent moral support from behind a yellow legal pad.
What am I supposed to say to them? What do you want from all this? I don't want her to lose her job, and I want her to not break up with me.
She loses her job, you're free to get freaky wherever and whenever.
She keeps it, no way she's gonna take that kind of risk again.
Yeah, but if she loses her job because of me, she-- she's still never gonna want to see me again.
Precisely.
Catch-22.
Remember this-- we have only two jobs on this earth.
The first, to learn.
The second, to cope.
And by cope you mean, uh, walking through life shitfaced? We all find ways to soften the edges.
Some edges need more softening than others.
What are your edges? My edges are named Molly and Tabitha.
Both seized by somebody taller, richer, and less of a fuckup.
One of them was nine.
You have a daughter? To finding something worth learning.
And to coping with it.
Once we hit a cool mil, think I'm gonna buy me a sick crib.
Bear skin rug, game room, recording studio, hot tub.
Thug for life, homes.
Not me.
Not you what? Couple more gigs, I'm out.
Damn.
You got a plan? Farmer.
Like, on a farm with corn and shit? Nah.
Goats and cows and chickens and pigs.
No people.
Ain't good with people.
Seem good with me.
You different.
You straight.
Most people be twisty.
Hey, how about we nab a dope pad around here, score a few acres up in Will County for the weekends.
Sit around drinking King Cobras and watch our cows hump one another.
Hey, let's go terrorize that shady Iranian optometrist.
Fucker owes me five stacks.
Eviction notice.
Where's my booze? Tommy, how many people did you tell? One.
You said "free" and "drink.
" Doesn't take more than that.
Incoming! Man with lady bun! What's with the sign, bro? The Alibi is serving working-class regulars only, so you and your bun buddies can take your privileged asses to the overpriced toilet down the street.
- Capiche? - Whatever, man.
Whatever this.
Okay.
Ah! Nice! Who's tired of the smell of latte foam and ball cheese? Me.
Fuck those super rich little douchebags.
You guys are the real deal.
All right.
Here here.
So it's back to metabolized rotgut and decaying homeless person.
I've been called worse.
It's like the unemployment office in here.
It gives me the willies.
Why are you still doing here, Frank? A question for the ages.
You said you needed a notary for two signatures.
I've been here three hours.
I don't know where he is.
Somebody got stood up.
Mind your business.
The heck you need a notary for? I'm trying to buy back the house that you stripped clean last week, but I need Gus to sign something first.
Attagirl.
Me and Debbie might need a back up place.
If I buy this house, there's no way you're slipping back in under my roof.
I said, "might.
" Besides, doesn't sound like you're pulling it off, what with hubby MIA.
Piss off, Frank.
I don't need your charity.
The three of us will do just fine on our own.
Me, my devoted daughter, and my granddaughter-to-be.
Debbie's having a girl? My wife is pregnant.
My kid has an ear infection.
I need to get home.
What the fuck does that mean? "Hung up.
Might not make it.
" Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit.
$30 for travel plus a $65 waiting fee.
I'll take cash.
Sir, can you hear me? Hey, what happened? I stabbed him.
He fucked with me for the last time.
Caleb! Listen, I'll be right back, okay? You okay? I think he broke it.
All right, hold still.
You're gonna be okay.
One, two-- Three.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing? Her arm is broken.
You're not trained.
I learned this in basic.
Thanks.
I'll take over.
Rough meeting? No meeting.
Gus texted at 1:07 to say that he'd meet me at Patsy's tomorrow.
Told me to bring his grandmother's ring.
He's just punishing me, which I get, but it sucks.
How was your day? Oh, yeah, we went to the fall festival.
Will and Liam raced corn-cob cars and shared root beer floats.
How sweet.
Yeah, they passed out on the pull-out surrounded by comic books.
Lip and Ian used to do that.
They'd spread all the blankets out in the living room and put out all their comics and see who could stay up latest in their little footie pajamas.
Oh.
Oh, hey.
Come back, Hormone Girl.
Come on.
We both need a lot of rest before your thing tomorrow.
Abortion, okay? Why do you need rest? You're not coming.
Uh, yeah, I am.
I'm fine, Sean.
Yeah, I know you're fine.
Of course you are, but I'm also still coming.
Trying to be a hero? Nope.
Just trying to be a partner.
I'm about to ask you some very intrusive questions.
Please answer to the best of your knowledge.
How long did you know Dr.
Runyon before you became intimate? Um about an hour and a half.
Maybe less.
Um, I-- I came to class late.
And what was the pretense of that encounter? Well, I-- I'd gone to her office to make up on some of the work that I'd missed.
And there you had intercourse.
No.
No, not exactly.
But the encounter was of a sexual nature? Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Non-penetrative? No.
I mean, yes.
Uh non, yeah.
Oral? Uh, yes.
You performed this on her, or she on you? It was, um-- it was me to her.
Did she coerce you to perform this sex act? I'm not sure exactly how you coerce someone into doing that kind of thing.
Answer the question, please.
She did not coerce me.
No.
Have you ever received improved grades or academic privileges in exchange for sex? I-- I don't need any favors.
Whether or not you need them is beside the point.
We're trying to determine intent.
Did Dr.
Runyon offer you any special compensation during your relationship? She wasn't taking advantage of me.
If that's what you're getting at, I'm not a victim.
Okay? It was consensual.
We're not the enemy, Mr.
Gallagher.
Just answer the questions simply and truthfully.
You feel okay? Yeah.
Valium and ibuprofen seem to be working.
Okay.
You might feel a cramp now.
It's similar to a period cramp but sharper.
Hang tight.
You can hold my hand if you need to.
No, I'm okay.
Focus on your breathing instead of the sensation.
In through the nose, out through the mouth.
That was quick.
How do you feel? Un-pregnant and starving.
They gave me a pad for the bleeding.
I never wear pads.
I feel like I have a burrito between my legs.
Bleeding? Yeah, totally normal.
It should slow down in a few hours.
They said if I feel okay later I could even go back to work.
But you're okay? I'll be honest, I'm devastated I'm not drinking a milkshake right now.
C-R-I-M-I-N-A-L smooth love Thanks for driving me.
My party's gonna be super fun.
Whose car is this? Company car.
Cool.
I'm really glad you could make it, and I hope you guys like cupcakes.
Fuck, man.
That's my fucking bike.
Slow down! I'm pregnant! It's not worth it.
Think of the farm.
The fucking cows, man.
Another romantic meal with just the three of us.
"Need to push an hour.
7:00 PM okay?" Dickwad.
If he stands me up again, I'm just showing up at his apartment with a notary in one hand and a baseball bat in the other.
Tell me again why getting the house is so important.
I don't even know anymore.
I mean, Debbie's family is throwing her a party, for fuck's sake.
A gender party.
You gonna go? It's baby related, so, no.
You'll always be the person who raised them, you know.
Regardless of what they do or where they live.
What if I don't want to be that anymore? What if I just want to be their sister? Oh, so now you hipsters want to come in now that we don't want you.
Ironic, isn't it? Don't rile them up.
Kev.
Snuck in through the back.
Got a whisky sour.
Hey, defend the fortress.
Head up to the roof and dump acid on their heads.
All right, hang on, Tommy.
Where's your ghetto cred, buddy? What is this? Food stamps.
These are stamp stamps.
From a post office.
You even know what food stamps look like? All right, tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna let you stay 'cause I like your initiative, but you're gonna have to pay a cover.
How much? $10.
$15? $20? $20.
Yeah, $20.
Now go tell your friends.
I'll let in four hipsters every hour, but it's $20 a head.
You got it? Go tell them.
We're in! We did it.
All right, but easy.
Easy, easy, easy! You'll all get your turn.
We're gonna need to get a bouncer, and we need to get a scary one.
Like, pants-shitting-ly scary.
Want some coffee? Sure.
This is all for your sculpture stuff? Yeah.
Used to get scraps from burned-down homes on our runs, but homeowners don't love it when firemen take their stuff.
- Cream or sugar? - Black.
You sell these? To friends sometimes, if they're drunk enough.
What's this one? That's my latest.
I love to find the treasure inside the trash.
I try to find the secret life in things.
What it wants to be instead of what it is.
Is that what you're doing with me? That's a good question.
Can I kiss you? I thought kissing comes after you've had sex a bunch of times.
Ian, kissing comes whenever you want it to.
Even now.
Fiona's not coming? We can just start without her.
So, thank you guys all so much for coming.
Bathroom? Oh, it-- right down the hallway.
Um, so as you guys know, I kind of wanted to keep the gender of my baby a surprise, but Erica here, who's been like a mother to me, suggested I throw this party and include everyone, so, that's what I did.
Um, it's my doctor.
Um, I have take this.
So Sorry.
I'll just-- I'll be one sec.
Wait, Carl! Fuck! Um, Frank, I was thinking a lot about this, and guess what? I think I'm gonna name the baby after Erica.
Eric if it's a boy.
- What do you think of that? - Thumbs up.
Awesome.
Um I'm in remission.
- Hey, fantastic! - Wow! That's so awesome.
We got involved, and unfortunately my marriage was in a transitional place at the time.
I understand that, while not banned outright in our code of conduct, sleeping with students reflects poor judgment on my part.
It not only jeopardizes my standing with the university, but compromises the emotional well-being of the student in question.
I'm willing to take a probationary leave of absence, during which time I will prepare a statement regarding my behavior that the University may choose to make public at any point.
In the meantime, I have terminated all contact with said student, and intend to continue this course of action.
We also recommend that you seek counseling.
We understand this is not your first encounter with a student in this capacity.
It is simply your most public.
I've already begun to see a therapist who specializes in sex addiction.
Thank you, Dr.
Runyon.
We'll render a decision shortly.
It's not a crime to want to fuck.
I mean, what is it with you people? Ah, he hasn't been getting much sleep.
I've been working him pretty hard.
We would like to provide you with mental health services to help you cope with this ordeal, Mr.
Gallagher.
What happened between Helene and me wasn't wrong, okay? And I don't need to cope with it.
We're-- we're in love.
Okay? As I've said, this relationship has been terminated.
Sex addiction? The hell is that shit? Look, I know you had to say that stuff in there to cover your own ass, but it's not an ordeal, okay? Not for me.
Could you stop for a second and fucking look at me? So what? That's it then, huh? What, that's how you want to end this? Don't follow me.
Don't text me.
Stay away from my home, my husband, my son.
Don't make this any uglier than you already have.
Yo.
Yo, what'd you do? I called the cops.
You better split.
Wh-wh-why? Hey, do you have a sanitary pad I could borrow? The machine in the bathroom might have one from the '80s.
Hi.
Thanks for coming.
This is gonna be really quick.
This is Abe, the notary.
Where's my ring? It's in a safety deposit box at the bank, which is closed right now, but I can grab it for you first thing tomorrow morning.
Okay, these documents release your rights to the house so that I can buy it back under my name.
So my signature gets you something you want? Correct.
Where's the paper that gets me what I want? What do you want? Well, I wanted a wife who wasn't a lying, cheating sack of shit, but I guess that's impossible, so I'll settle for an explanation.
I want to know why you think I owe you anything.
You don't.
So this is a-- a favor? I guess.
I do favors for friends.
We're not friends.
So basically, this is you asking me for something and offering me nothing in return.
Hey, what's up? Hey, is Fiona here? Not yet.
You okay? You need anything? What, are you hungry? Can I-- can I stay here tonight? Uh Uh, sure.
You can sleep in Will's bed.
Come on.
Oh, my only grandson, what you doing under there? Everyone's gone.
- They all forgot you? - Yeah.
- How long you been under there? - Two days.
It gets cold at night.
I pee my pants to stay warm.
Wise choice.
Hey, how about-- how about sharing some of those beans with a hungry old man? I called my mom in prison.
She said someone would get me.
And here I am.
Your messiah.
Hand me the hot sauce, would you? It's over.
Gus wouldn't sign.
I can't get the loan and I lost the house.
Oh, honey.
Hey.
Easy.
I'm so exhausted It's okay.
Just breathe.
And my family's shattered, and Debbie's having a girl and she can't talk to me And I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know what I'm doing.
You mind if I come in? Tyler's not back yet and I'm too excited to sleep.
Sure.
Don't worry, I promise not to touch you even though you're way too adorable.
Here.
I'll stay down on the floor like a good little bitch.
Oh.
Ah.
I can't believe I got a second shot.
Oh.
I'm gonna try to have a life this time.
I'm gonna make pipe cleaners, and go to shows and hit the gym.
I'm gonna fuck women! If Tyler will let me.
Even if he doesn't let me.
I love having you here.
Well, I love being here.
I wish you didn't have to go.
Chuckie? Chuckle Berry! Hey, Dump Truck, is that you? Grandma! Hi.
Come here.
Mmm.
Hi.
Oh.
Queenie? Oh.
Well, look who it is.
Squirming around in the filth just like I left you.
How did you find me? Well, I wasn't looking for you, baby.
I was looking for this chubby little menace.
Sammi asked me to watch him while she's locked up.
It's good to see you.
Slimy fucker.
Oh, God.
Come on, let's do it.
Come on, let's do it.
Come here.
Oh, my God.
Take your pants down.
Take your pants down.
I dug it up.
What the hell is this? Buy back the house.