The Goldbergs s06e06 Episode Script
Fiddler
1 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, I was obsessed with musical theater.
From "Jesus Christ Superstar" to "Phantom of the Opera," I loved the stage.
At least, most of the time.
People, the moment has arrived.
My dearest theater students and kids who do stage crew for some reason I work best in the shadows.
No one cares, Dan.
This year, William Penn Academy will be performing the most important musical of our time "Fiddler on the Roof"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Oh! Oh! Oh! - Meh.
"Meh"? Since when does Adam Goldberg "meh" a musical? Fiddler's just so heavy and dreary and Russian.
I'm more into the happy toe-tapping musicals, like "Music Man" or "Pippin" or not "Fiddler.
" So, you're not gonna even audition? I wanted us to be Golde and Tevye.
They're the power couple of peasant Russia.
Like Luke and Laura, but sadder.
Sorry, girl.
As long as it's "Fiddler on the Roof," I ain't doing it.
You're doing it.
But you hate all musicals with every fiber of your being.
Of course! They're long and boring, and they're about cats or painting wagons.
But "Fiddler on the Roof"? The best.
Well, it reminds me of Pops' sad relatives who visit us from the old country.
Their clothes are all schmutzy and smell like turnips.
Adam, you have to do this play.
Our people have a few special things we're all proud of Sandy Koufax, The Fonz, Sammy Davis Jr.
, and "Fiddler on the Roof.
" Gah, fine! I'll audition to be in the chorus or something.
Absolutely not! In my house, it's Tevye or nothing.
I don't want to be the lead! You're gonna be Tevye, damn it! Now put on my grandfather's old Russian coat and sing for me.
It's so heavy.
Like the weight of a man with too many daughters.
How do I already smell? How? That's the smell of greatness.
Now show me your shimmy.
I don't wanna shimmy.
Shimmy for your father, damn it.
Like this.
It's in our blood and our shoulders.
[SIGHS.]
If that's how you shimmy, damn it, we got to go back to fundamentals.
Come on, put your game face on.
Do it! Stop riding my back, man! I'm doing my best.
Stop.
What's going on in here? Not now, Barry.
Adam's form is off.
I got to coach some sense into the kid.
Sounds to me like a father demanding perfection and telling his son he's not good enough.
That's exactly what's happening.
- Damn it, I want that! - Why? 'Cause it's my dream to have a sports dad who spazzes out in the stands and calls me a lazy failure who needs to play harder.
Great.
He's yours.
Take him.
Oh, no.
If we're gonna win this part, we got to buckle down and dig in.
Fine, forget sports! Whatever your dumb thing is, I'll do it.
It's "Fiddler on the Roof.
" Great.
I'll go on the roof right now with a fiddle.
You don't even have one! I'm gonna go bongo on the roof.
Where's the ladder? - Do not get the ladder.
- Ladder it is.
Do not go in that garage and touch my ladder, moron! I mean it! Too late, theater sports dad.
I'll send a rope down for my bongos.
[CLANKING.]
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was November 1st, 1980-something, and my mom and sister were helping Geoff prep for his SATs.
I failed, didn't I? Oh, God, I failed.
I'm not going to college! I'm gonna live under a bridge, and I'm gonna have to use the wall as a bathroom.
Dude, I am here for you.
No matter how dumb the test says you are.
BEVERLY: Okay, let's see.
You got 1,540! Babe, I am so sorr Wait, what? 1,540?! Holy poop! Yeah, "Holy poop" is right.
I can go to college now! And a wide variety.
Yes.
Wow.
That's, like, a super good score.
Is it wrong? It must be wrong.
I mean, how is that possible? Well, I mean, I get straight As and I study all the time.
Wait, did you not know I was smart? No! I mean, I do hear you talk about homework a lot, but all I see is your cute, dumb face.
Oh, young Geoffrey, your mother is going to plotz.
Aside from grandchildren, braggable SAT scores are the greatest gift a child can give.
I know.
I-I can for sure go to UCLA now.
Wait, but that UC is in LA.
And LA stands for Los Angeles.
It's where my dad went.
And doing what other people want makes me happy 'cause I'm a pleaser.
Bye, babe.
Love you.
1,540.
Holy [BLEEP.]
! I can't believe this.
That stupid goof-ass genius is gonna leave Philly and never look back.
Oh, well, can you blame him? Everybody in LA eats sushi and has hair just like their dog, and the cops are so nice they can't solve crimes, so Axel Foley helps 'em.
That's all from "Beverly Hills Cop.
" Oh, such a good movie.
It has my name and that Axel Foley has an infectious giggle.
[IMITATES AXEL GIGGLING.]
Stop talking about Axel Foley! I will not let Geoff go to LA.
Oh, squishy some things are just out of your control.
Not if I make sure he tanks those SATs.
Shame on you for even thinking such a thing.
If it's one rule I live by, it's that you can't smother your loved ones.
Um, hello? Remember, I wanted to apply to college in California? You tried to sabotage my SATs by teaching me fake vocabulary words.
I swear on my life nothing like that has even remotely happened.
I came up with some more vocab cards for you to memorize.
Thanks, Mom.
"Scubulence"? Yep, my mom taught Erica these absurd words so she'd tank her test and never leave.
That's a weird word.
I have made enormous strides as a human being and mama over the past few years.
Truly, I have changed.
No, you haven't.
You've had the same insane hair, sweaters, and obsession with your kids since forever.
Erica.
One of my biggest regrets was trying to fool you with those fake SAT cards.
Trust me do not make the same mistake.
Damn it, you're right.
I can't do to Geoff what you did to me.
I could never stoop that low.
And yet, she did.
That day, my sister went full Beverly Goldberg to keep the love of her life close by.
Plorpf! Yes! While my sister was ready to con Geoff, I was trying to bargain my way out of "Fiddler.
" Mr.
Goldberg, welcome to what I can only assume is the single most important moment of your young life.
Um, I'm thinking this year we don't do this dance where I put you in the awkward position of having to give me a good part even though I can't sing or act.
But won't your mom just march down here and yell at me when I give you a lousy part because of your screechy voice? I give you my word, this year there will be no Beverly Goldberg.
I'm only here 'cause I promised my dad I'd audition, so just throw me a few lines and I'll be on my way.
You got yourself a deal.
And so I hatched my plan - to half-ass my way through "Fiddler.
" - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Dude, I got Lazar Wolf, the handsome town stud.
That's typecasting Dave Kim likes.
I'm the constable.
Six lines, no songs, done by intermission.
Dream role.
Move.
Move your tiny bodies.
Let's go.
Hey! Dad? What are you doing here? Today's our big day! I wanted to see our name at the top of the roster.
It's more near the bottom, but it's still a very meaty part - the constable.
- What? We wanted Tevye or nothing.
Well Matt Schernecke got it.
That scrub is Tevye? He's got a warbly voice and no stage presence.
What's that? - Mazel Tov, kid.
- Way to go, Matt.
- Oh, okay.
- Don't worry, champ.
I'll get you that part if it's the last thing I do.
No! Matt Schernecke is just a boy with a kind spirit! You do not do anything of the sort.
I Y-You promise to me, sir.
95% of this game is mental.
We're gonna go into Schernecke's head and make him crack.
You just learn the lines.
Me, I'll take care of Schernecke.
That day, my dad wasn't the only one with a card up his sleeve.
"Torkulent"? It means delighted and a little scared.
"Flimjam"? To run backwards in a zig-zag pattern.
Man, I didn't know any of these SAT words.
I'm so lucky I have you.
You really are.
I'm a great person.
No, she's not.
- Mom! - I'm sorry, Geoffrey.
As a yenta, I have to tell you, she is trying to keep you from going to UCLA.
C'mon, Erica would never do that.
Who you gonna believe? Your adoring girlfriend or this needy blond-helmeted guilt monster? You, obviously.
Our love is built on an unbreakable trust that I cherish more than Damn it, it's me! I'm a terrible person, and you should just flimjam away from me as fast as you can.
Oh, my God.
My girlfriend would actually tank my future just to be with me? You love me so much, and I love you, too! Did not see that coming.
Oh, man, I'd give anything for you to come with me to California! Wait, why can't I? LA is the center of the music business.
They have a building that looks like records.
Well, you can't come with me because Mom.
You said you've changed, right? - Well, I have said that recently, yes.
- Then this is it.
I'm asking for your support on this, and if you really have changed, then there's no answer but yes.
[WHISPERS.]
It's a yes.
- What? - Huh? - [WHISPERS.]
Yes.
- What is that? - I'm lost.
- [WHISPERS.]
Yes.
- Was that yes? - [WHISPERS.]
Yes.
I think I heard it that time.
She said yes! - Ahhh! - [GIGGLING.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
See? [CHUCKLING.]
Yes, I have I have changed.
I have changed so, so much, but, uh Oh, Pops! He won't let you go.
Go? Where? W-W-What? I-I just came in for an onion bialy.
Erica wants to move to LA.
LA? Wow! That's fantastic.
Hollywood is so magical.
- I'll for sure visit you.
- No! - What? - Huh? Uh, to be clear, I have changed, and I totally support you, but, uh, your dad will not allow you to move to LA without knowing a soul.
Well, actually, we have family there.
Aunt Selma, remember? Wait, I have relatives there? Yes, thank you, Dad.
Her daughter Marci's out there, too.
She She's in advertising.
Thank you, Father.
So helpful.
She does all those catchy commercial jingles.
They pay very good money.
- So helpful, Dad.
- Holy crap! I don't just have family in LA I have an in! You should send her a tape showing off your beautiful voice - so she can hire you.
- What a great idea no one asked you to suggest.
I'm gonna go record some jingles right now.
I'm gonna go familiarize myself with the Los Angeles freeway system.
- [THUD.]
- Yep, my mom was cornered into acting like a changed mother.
Meanwhile, I was doing whatever I could not to act in "Fiddler.
" Channel the character.
You're Tevye.
Take yourself there.
And perform.
[SLURPING.]
I'm having a hard time focusing.
Balls! My dad's here to rattle - Schernecke's cage.
- Huh? - What? - You heard me.
This is bad.
- [SLURPING CONTINUES.]
- Mr.
Goldberg, if you're gonna watch rehearsal, you have to respect my stage.
Sure.
It's your team.
Manage it.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
Take it from the top, Matthew, all right? Be Tevye.
Feel the burden of the humble dairyman with five handsome daughters.
- Bah! - Mr.
Goldberg! I'm sorry.
I don't buy this kid having five daughters.
Do you? Yes.
I buy it enough.
C'mon, the kid's a tomato can.
Can't hit the broad side of his mark.
This adult man is hurting my feelings.
Sack up, Schernecke.
You gotta have thick skin if you want to make it in the big show.
Adam, is your dad gonna be here the whole time? I don't know, man.
He took the week off work.
The whole thing's been off the rails from the start.
I just want my kid to have a shot at the bigs.
Fine.
If you pipe down, I'll make him the understudy for Tevye.
Does that work for you? So that means I'll have no lines and get to just hang in the wings? 'Cause yeah, that super works.
Whoo! It's on now! You better watch your back, fake Tevye.
'Cause we're comin' for ya.
Dad, stop making veiled threats to Matt Schernecke.
They're kind of not veiled at all.
I'm so sorry.
[SLURPING.]
With her sights set on LA, my sister prepped an epic audition to get into the jingle business.
Hello and welcome, product lovers of all ages.
Prepare to be delighted by my delightful jingle medley.
I'm already delighted, but I'm prepared for more.
The best part of waking up is Folgers in your Plop-plop, fizz-fizz, oh, what a relief Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gimme a break, gimme a break What would you do-oo-ooh for An Oscar Mayer wiener By Mennen! Mommy, wow, I'm a big kid Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Wow! I don't know what half of those are selling, but I'm buying.
- Mom, what do you think? - Please no! - What? - Ugh Got some bad news from cousin Marci last night.
Just out of the blue like that? You haven't talked in 15 years.
Yeah, well, I've been missing her.
And it's a good thing I called, too, because she told me that, for legal reasons, she can't listen to jingles from existing products.
But I worked so hard on these.
I was gonna mail her a tape.
No! No, you can't.
It has to do with, uh, torts and briefs and subpoenas.
I could've been a lawyer, so it made sense to me.
Well, how am I gonna impress her with my jingle voice if I can't do any jingles? Good news she told me about some, uh new products that have yet to be jingled.
Name it, and I'll sing it.
Hit me.
Even though my mom swore she changed, in the end, she couldn't help but lie.
Dr.
Steinman's Butt Grease.
I'm very curious about this product.
Dr.
Steinman's a very respected tushie surgeon.
He developed the healing ointment himself, and now he's sharing it with the world.
Steinman I got to sing that? It's not so easy on the ear.
It's not great.
But yet, the next one is even worse.
Barnaby's Baltic Sea Juice.
I don't want that product.
There's more.
Magellan's Ol' Fashioned Year Round Nog for people who want eggnog, but not just at Christmas.
I'd like a good 'nog in the summer.
Well, if it's up to me, you're gonna get one.
And I know you can do it, schmoo.
And if not, you can just live here forever.
We'll play it by ear.
Thanks for always being there for me, Mom.
You're awesome.
Time to get jingling.
Okay, Adam, time to run that choreography, so give me the shimmy.
I was back at rehearsal, but unfortunately, so was my dad.
Is that all you got, AG? Put your bat on the ball.
Let the big dog eat! When Matt's dad heard I got the understudy, he came to check out the competition.
Come on there, Matty boy.
Just how we practiced.
Turns out the only thing worse than one sports dad is two.
First, they cheered.
- Come on, AG! - Come on, now! Let's go.
- Go big or go home, Matty boy.
- Look alive! - Then, they bragged.
- My son is a five-tool player.
He sings, dances, acts, juggles, and mimes.
- Next came the insults.
- Give it a rest, Schernecke.
Your kid's no Tevye.
That wheelbarrow's got more charisma.
- What did you say? - And then the head games.
Afraid we're gonna take your spot in the rotation? - 'Cause you should be.
- Oh, please.
Your son deedle dye-dles when he should be dye-dle deedle-ing! And finally, the gloves came off.
Stop kicking it on me first! - [INDISTINCT ARGUING.]
- Our dads suck.
They really do.
As our sports dads ruined theater, Erica was rehearsing songs for fake products my mom lied to her about.
It's for your bottom, but it's the tops Find happiness in just a glop From Dr.
Steinman to every shop The one butt grease that never stops Wow.
That is shockingly good.
It's already stuck in my head and driving me nuts.
You're a genius.
And that's not all! Pour it cold or drink it warm It's like seafood in liquid form It's Barnaby's, the juice of the sea Wow.
You really worked hard on these.
Okay, there's gonna be lines out the door to drink that salty fish juice.
And this next one is dedicated to you.
Oh, that's not necessary.
No, it is.
You talked to Marci and made all this happen for me.
You have changed, and I love you.
Just focus on the song.
You gotta remember, 'nog ain't just for December You can 'nog all summer afternoon - It's all a lie! - What? None of these products are real, and frankly, I don't get how you thought they were.
'Cause you swore it was real and that you changed! Okay, I'm sorry I freaked out about you moving, but good thing is, I stopped before any damage was done.
But there was damage! So much damage! I sent these insane jingles to Marci.
- Wazzat? - I sent her a cassette! She's gonna think I'm some crazy person who peddles weird oyster water and all-purpose 'nog.
There is no going back from this.
Okay, Mama will fix it.
I'll call Marci and explain everything.
Sure, explain how it's my SATs all over again, but worse.
Don't say that.
It's true.
For the first time since dropping out of college, I had hope.
Thanks a lot.
[SIGHS.]
My sports dad embarrassed me in the theater world, and I was ready to close the curtain.
Stupid heavy jacket from the old country! Whoaaa.
Everything okay, man? No, Ruben Amaro Jr.
, everything's not okay.
What happened, bro? You break up with that girl who dated me freshman year? No, and I'd prefer we not discuss that.
It's my dad.
He insists on coming to every single practice.
I hear ya.
My dad comes to every practice, too.
So you get how much it sucks.
No.
My dad's my best friend.
I'm almost done, champ! Let's warm up that arm before practice.
Be there in a minute, Pop.
Just talking to my ex-girlfriend's little boyfriend here.
I love how you're always there for everyone.
You taught me well, Dad.
I love you, son.
I love you more! Wow.
This is just like the total opposite of my experience.
What can I say? Ruben Sr.
was an athlete himself, so he knows how crazy sports dads can get.
I re-gripped your bat, buddy.
Super thoughtful, Dad! Yeah, last thing he wants is for me to get burnt out so I fake an injury or quit altogether.
You're right! I can totally fake an injury! I'll pretend I lost my voice so I can't sing.
Wait, what sport do you play? The greatest sport of all theater.
Yeah, I kinda wish I knew that before I got involved.
There you are, AG.
Come on, you got the call.
You're goin' in.
[HOARSELY.]
Bad news.
Lost my voice.
Whatcha gonna do? Hydrate it.
Suck on a lozenge.
Get back out there! Ruben, get away from that demanding father.
- He'll kill your spirit.
- On it, Pop.
Who the hell's that? That is the wonderful father of Ruben Amaro Jr.
named Ruben Amaro Sr.
, and I wish that was us.
That is us! I'm here.
I'm trying to help you, you moron! Well, you're not! I hate this play, and now I hate all musicals.
So thank you for taking my favorite thing in the world and ruining it.
[MIKE + THE MECHANICS' "THE LIVING YEARS" PLAYS.]
Schmoo? Save your schmoos.
I don't want to hear it from you.
I just got off the phone with cousin Marci.
Oh, God, well, what did you do now? Nothing.
Apparently, Marci played your jingles for her office, and they loved 'em.
Thought it was a bold stunt.
Stunt? You gave me those songs to make me look like a crazy person.
Well, they don't need to know that.
That's great, but it doesn't make up for the fact that you sabotaged me and you're never gonna change.
I know.
Truth is, I am a selfish, scheming mama bear who can't let her kids leave because she loves them so damn much.
And the worst thing is, I'll be like this 'til I'm 75 years old.
If that's your way of saying I'm sorry, it's not working.
[SIGHS.]
I knew you were gonna say that.
So I thought maybe some new flash cards might help.
- Say it loud - [SCOFFS.]
Don't.
- Say it loud - Say it clear Really not helping.
- Whoa-oh, say it clear - God.
- You can listen - Still a no.
- As well as you hear - "Rapplepop," really? - It's too late - It's too late Even if I'm in Los Angeles? - When we die - Whoa-oh, when we die - To admit - We don't see eye to eye How did you know I was gonna ask that? 'Cause I know you better than anyone, schmoo.
And the one thing about me that'll never change is how much I rapplepop you.
Between the present and the past [VOICE BREAKING.]
I rapplepop you too, Mom.
We only sacrifice the future It's the bitterness that lasts Whatcha doing? Thinking about joining the baseball team.
All the dads there seem to be very kind and supportive.
I deserve that.
If you're just gonna yell at me again I'm really not.
All I want is for you to follow me.
And for the first time ever, my dad was the one who shared a home movie with me.
Say it, say it, say it loud Okay, what am I looking at? Me.
You were in "Fiddler"? I played Tevye.
I only auditioned because my dad loved the play.
But Pop-Pop hates everything.
Not this.
He was so proud.
He would sit in the front row every night.
And for the first time, I felt close to the guy, you know? So that's why this means so much to you? I know it's stupid.
But I just wanted us to have the same thing I had with my dad.
In that moment, I realized why my father became a crazed sports dad when it came to "Fiddler.
" He wasn't trying to live through me.
He was trying to connect the only way he knew how.
And with a little perspective, I finally understood just how great of a play it was.
Sometimes, it's hard to understand why the people we love act the way they do.
But when you put your trust in them, that's when the real traditions come to life.
Hey, so say it, say it, say it loud - - - - Okay, everyone shut your faces.
Dad, I've decided who I'm gonna be in "Fiddler on the Roof" so you can finally be my sports theater Dad.
- His sports what? - Don't ask.
I shall be Lazer Wolf.
Stop! The play's over! Ahh.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're trying to motivate me.
Well, Lazer Wolf never quits 'cause he's got lasers! Moron! Lazar Wolf is the respected town butcher.
[HOWLS.]
I don't know what any of that was.
It's for the best.
From "Jesus Christ Superstar" to "Phantom of the Opera," I loved the stage.
At least, most of the time.
People, the moment has arrived.
My dearest theater students and kids who do stage crew for some reason I work best in the shadows.
No one cares, Dan.
This year, William Penn Academy will be performing the most important musical of our time "Fiddler on the Roof"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Oh! Oh! Oh! - Meh.
"Meh"? Since when does Adam Goldberg "meh" a musical? Fiddler's just so heavy and dreary and Russian.
I'm more into the happy toe-tapping musicals, like "Music Man" or "Pippin" or not "Fiddler.
" So, you're not gonna even audition? I wanted us to be Golde and Tevye.
They're the power couple of peasant Russia.
Like Luke and Laura, but sadder.
Sorry, girl.
As long as it's "Fiddler on the Roof," I ain't doing it.
You're doing it.
But you hate all musicals with every fiber of your being.
Of course! They're long and boring, and they're about cats or painting wagons.
But "Fiddler on the Roof"? The best.
Well, it reminds me of Pops' sad relatives who visit us from the old country.
Their clothes are all schmutzy and smell like turnips.
Adam, you have to do this play.
Our people have a few special things we're all proud of Sandy Koufax, The Fonz, Sammy Davis Jr.
, and "Fiddler on the Roof.
" Gah, fine! I'll audition to be in the chorus or something.
Absolutely not! In my house, it's Tevye or nothing.
I don't want to be the lead! You're gonna be Tevye, damn it! Now put on my grandfather's old Russian coat and sing for me.
It's so heavy.
Like the weight of a man with too many daughters.
How do I already smell? How? That's the smell of greatness.
Now show me your shimmy.
I don't wanna shimmy.
Shimmy for your father, damn it.
Like this.
It's in our blood and our shoulders.
[SIGHS.]
If that's how you shimmy, damn it, we got to go back to fundamentals.
Come on, put your game face on.
Do it! Stop riding my back, man! I'm doing my best.
Stop.
What's going on in here? Not now, Barry.
Adam's form is off.
I got to coach some sense into the kid.
Sounds to me like a father demanding perfection and telling his son he's not good enough.
That's exactly what's happening.
- Damn it, I want that! - Why? 'Cause it's my dream to have a sports dad who spazzes out in the stands and calls me a lazy failure who needs to play harder.
Great.
He's yours.
Take him.
Oh, no.
If we're gonna win this part, we got to buckle down and dig in.
Fine, forget sports! Whatever your dumb thing is, I'll do it.
It's "Fiddler on the Roof.
" Great.
I'll go on the roof right now with a fiddle.
You don't even have one! I'm gonna go bongo on the roof.
Where's the ladder? - Do not get the ladder.
- Ladder it is.
Do not go in that garage and touch my ladder, moron! I mean it! Too late, theater sports dad.
I'll send a rope down for my bongos.
[CLANKING.]
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was November 1st, 1980-something, and my mom and sister were helping Geoff prep for his SATs.
I failed, didn't I? Oh, God, I failed.
I'm not going to college! I'm gonna live under a bridge, and I'm gonna have to use the wall as a bathroom.
Dude, I am here for you.
No matter how dumb the test says you are.
BEVERLY: Okay, let's see.
You got 1,540! Babe, I am so sorr Wait, what? 1,540?! Holy poop! Yeah, "Holy poop" is right.
I can go to college now! And a wide variety.
Yes.
Wow.
That's, like, a super good score.
Is it wrong? It must be wrong.
I mean, how is that possible? Well, I mean, I get straight As and I study all the time.
Wait, did you not know I was smart? No! I mean, I do hear you talk about homework a lot, but all I see is your cute, dumb face.
Oh, young Geoffrey, your mother is going to plotz.
Aside from grandchildren, braggable SAT scores are the greatest gift a child can give.
I know.
I-I can for sure go to UCLA now.
Wait, but that UC is in LA.
And LA stands for Los Angeles.
It's where my dad went.
And doing what other people want makes me happy 'cause I'm a pleaser.
Bye, babe.
Love you.
1,540.
Holy [BLEEP.]
! I can't believe this.
That stupid goof-ass genius is gonna leave Philly and never look back.
Oh, well, can you blame him? Everybody in LA eats sushi and has hair just like their dog, and the cops are so nice they can't solve crimes, so Axel Foley helps 'em.
That's all from "Beverly Hills Cop.
" Oh, such a good movie.
It has my name and that Axel Foley has an infectious giggle.
[IMITATES AXEL GIGGLING.]
Stop talking about Axel Foley! I will not let Geoff go to LA.
Oh, squishy some things are just out of your control.
Not if I make sure he tanks those SATs.
Shame on you for even thinking such a thing.
If it's one rule I live by, it's that you can't smother your loved ones.
Um, hello? Remember, I wanted to apply to college in California? You tried to sabotage my SATs by teaching me fake vocabulary words.
I swear on my life nothing like that has even remotely happened.
I came up with some more vocab cards for you to memorize.
Thanks, Mom.
"Scubulence"? Yep, my mom taught Erica these absurd words so she'd tank her test and never leave.
That's a weird word.
I have made enormous strides as a human being and mama over the past few years.
Truly, I have changed.
No, you haven't.
You've had the same insane hair, sweaters, and obsession with your kids since forever.
Erica.
One of my biggest regrets was trying to fool you with those fake SAT cards.
Trust me do not make the same mistake.
Damn it, you're right.
I can't do to Geoff what you did to me.
I could never stoop that low.
And yet, she did.
That day, my sister went full Beverly Goldberg to keep the love of her life close by.
Plorpf! Yes! While my sister was ready to con Geoff, I was trying to bargain my way out of "Fiddler.
" Mr.
Goldberg, welcome to what I can only assume is the single most important moment of your young life.
Um, I'm thinking this year we don't do this dance where I put you in the awkward position of having to give me a good part even though I can't sing or act.
But won't your mom just march down here and yell at me when I give you a lousy part because of your screechy voice? I give you my word, this year there will be no Beverly Goldberg.
I'm only here 'cause I promised my dad I'd audition, so just throw me a few lines and I'll be on my way.
You got yourself a deal.
And so I hatched my plan - to half-ass my way through "Fiddler.
" - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Dude, I got Lazar Wolf, the handsome town stud.
That's typecasting Dave Kim likes.
I'm the constable.
Six lines, no songs, done by intermission.
Dream role.
Move.
Move your tiny bodies.
Let's go.
Hey! Dad? What are you doing here? Today's our big day! I wanted to see our name at the top of the roster.
It's more near the bottom, but it's still a very meaty part - the constable.
- What? We wanted Tevye or nothing.
Well Matt Schernecke got it.
That scrub is Tevye? He's got a warbly voice and no stage presence.
What's that? - Mazel Tov, kid.
- Way to go, Matt.
- Oh, okay.
- Don't worry, champ.
I'll get you that part if it's the last thing I do.
No! Matt Schernecke is just a boy with a kind spirit! You do not do anything of the sort.
I Y-You promise to me, sir.
95% of this game is mental.
We're gonna go into Schernecke's head and make him crack.
You just learn the lines.
Me, I'll take care of Schernecke.
That day, my dad wasn't the only one with a card up his sleeve.
"Torkulent"? It means delighted and a little scared.
"Flimjam"? To run backwards in a zig-zag pattern.
Man, I didn't know any of these SAT words.
I'm so lucky I have you.
You really are.
I'm a great person.
No, she's not.
- Mom! - I'm sorry, Geoffrey.
As a yenta, I have to tell you, she is trying to keep you from going to UCLA.
C'mon, Erica would never do that.
Who you gonna believe? Your adoring girlfriend or this needy blond-helmeted guilt monster? You, obviously.
Our love is built on an unbreakable trust that I cherish more than Damn it, it's me! I'm a terrible person, and you should just flimjam away from me as fast as you can.
Oh, my God.
My girlfriend would actually tank my future just to be with me? You love me so much, and I love you, too! Did not see that coming.
Oh, man, I'd give anything for you to come with me to California! Wait, why can't I? LA is the center of the music business.
They have a building that looks like records.
Well, you can't come with me because Mom.
You said you've changed, right? - Well, I have said that recently, yes.
- Then this is it.
I'm asking for your support on this, and if you really have changed, then there's no answer but yes.
[WHISPERS.]
It's a yes.
- What? - Huh? - [WHISPERS.]
Yes.
- What is that? - I'm lost.
- [WHISPERS.]
Yes.
- Was that yes? - [WHISPERS.]
Yes.
I think I heard it that time.
She said yes! - Ahhh! - [GIGGLING.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
See? [CHUCKLING.]
Yes, I have I have changed.
I have changed so, so much, but, uh Oh, Pops! He won't let you go.
Go? Where? W-W-What? I-I just came in for an onion bialy.
Erica wants to move to LA.
LA? Wow! That's fantastic.
Hollywood is so magical.
- I'll for sure visit you.
- No! - What? - Huh? Uh, to be clear, I have changed, and I totally support you, but, uh, your dad will not allow you to move to LA without knowing a soul.
Well, actually, we have family there.
Aunt Selma, remember? Wait, I have relatives there? Yes, thank you, Dad.
Her daughter Marci's out there, too.
She She's in advertising.
Thank you, Father.
So helpful.
She does all those catchy commercial jingles.
They pay very good money.
- So helpful, Dad.
- Holy crap! I don't just have family in LA I have an in! You should send her a tape showing off your beautiful voice - so she can hire you.
- What a great idea no one asked you to suggest.
I'm gonna go record some jingles right now.
I'm gonna go familiarize myself with the Los Angeles freeway system.
- [THUD.]
- Yep, my mom was cornered into acting like a changed mother.
Meanwhile, I was doing whatever I could not to act in "Fiddler.
" Channel the character.
You're Tevye.
Take yourself there.
And perform.
[SLURPING.]
I'm having a hard time focusing.
Balls! My dad's here to rattle - Schernecke's cage.
- Huh? - What? - You heard me.
This is bad.
- [SLURPING CONTINUES.]
- Mr.
Goldberg, if you're gonna watch rehearsal, you have to respect my stage.
Sure.
It's your team.
Manage it.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
Take it from the top, Matthew, all right? Be Tevye.
Feel the burden of the humble dairyman with five handsome daughters.
- Bah! - Mr.
Goldberg! I'm sorry.
I don't buy this kid having five daughters.
Do you? Yes.
I buy it enough.
C'mon, the kid's a tomato can.
Can't hit the broad side of his mark.
This adult man is hurting my feelings.
Sack up, Schernecke.
You gotta have thick skin if you want to make it in the big show.
Adam, is your dad gonna be here the whole time? I don't know, man.
He took the week off work.
The whole thing's been off the rails from the start.
I just want my kid to have a shot at the bigs.
Fine.
If you pipe down, I'll make him the understudy for Tevye.
Does that work for you? So that means I'll have no lines and get to just hang in the wings? 'Cause yeah, that super works.
Whoo! It's on now! You better watch your back, fake Tevye.
'Cause we're comin' for ya.
Dad, stop making veiled threats to Matt Schernecke.
They're kind of not veiled at all.
I'm so sorry.
[SLURPING.]
With her sights set on LA, my sister prepped an epic audition to get into the jingle business.
Hello and welcome, product lovers of all ages.
Prepare to be delighted by my delightful jingle medley.
I'm already delighted, but I'm prepared for more.
The best part of waking up is Folgers in your Plop-plop, fizz-fizz, oh, what a relief Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gimme a break, gimme a break What would you do-oo-ooh for An Oscar Mayer wiener By Mennen! Mommy, wow, I'm a big kid Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Wow! I don't know what half of those are selling, but I'm buying.
- Mom, what do you think? - Please no! - What? - Ugh Got some bad news from cousin Marci last night.
Just out of the blue like that? You haven't talked in 15 years.
Yeah, well, I've been missing her.
And it's a good thing I called, too, because she told me that, for legal reasons, she can't listen to jingles from existing products.
But I worked so hard on these.
I was gonna mail her a tape.
No! No, you can't.
It has to do with, uh, torts and briefs and subpoenas.
I could've been a lawyer, so it made sense to me.
Well, how am I gonna impress her with my jingle voice if I can't do any jingles? Good news she told me about some, uh new products that have yet to be jingled.
Name it, and I'll sing it.
Hit me.
Even though my mom swore she changed, in the end, she couldn't help but lie.
Dr.
Steinman's Butt Grease.
I'm very curious about this product.
Dr.
Steinman's a very respected tushie surgeon.
He developed the healing ointment himself, and now he's sharing it with the world.
Steinman I got to sing that? It's not so easy on the ear.
It's not great.
But yet, the next one is even worse.
Barnaby's Baltic Sea Juice.
I don't want that product.
There's more.
Magellan's Ol' Fashioned Year Round Nog for people who want eggnog, but not just at Christmas.
I'd like a good 'nog in the summer.
Well, if it's up to me, you're gonna get one.
And I know you can do it, schmoo.
And if not, you can just live here forever.
We'll play it by ear.
Thanks for always being there for me, Mom.
You're awesome.
Time to get jingling.
Okay, Adam, time to run that choreography, so give me the shimmy.
I was back at rehearsal, but unfortunately, so was my dad.
Is that all you got, AG? Put your bat on the ball.
Let the big dog eat! When Matt's dad heard I got the understudy, he came to check out the competition.
Come on there, Matty boy.
Just how we practiced.
Turns out the only thing worse than one sports dad is two.
First, they cheered.
- Come on, AG! - Come on, now! Let's go.
- Go big or go home, Matty boy.
- Look alive! - Then, they bragged.
- My son is a five-tool player.
He sings, dances, acts, juggles, and mimes.
- Next came the insults.
- Give it a rest, Schernecke.
Your kid's no Tevye.
That wheelbarrow's got more charisma.
- What did you say? - And then the head games.
Afraid we're gonna take your spot in the rotation? - 'Cause you should be.
- Oh, please.
Your son deedle dye-dles when he should be dye-dle deedle-ing! And finally, the gloves came off.
Stop kicking it on me first! - [INDISTINCT ARGUING.]
- Our dads suck.
They really do.
As our sports dads ruined theater, Erica was rehearsing songs for fake products my mom lied to her about.
It's for your bottom, but it's the tops Find happiness in just a glop From Dr.
Steinman to every shop The one butt grease that never stops Wow.
That is shockingly good.
It's already stuck in my head and driving me nuts.
You're a genius.
And that's not all! Pour it cold or drink it warm It's like seafood in liquid form It's Barnaby's, the juice of the sea Wow.
You really worked hard on these.
Okay, there's gonna be lines out the door to drink that salty fish juice.
And this next one is dedicated to you.
Oh, that's not necessary.
No, it is.
You talked to Marci and made all this happen for me.
You have changed, and I love you.
Just focus on the song.
You gotta remember, 'nog ain't just for December You can 'nog all summer afternoon - It's all a lie! - What? None of these products are real, and frankly, I don't get how you thought they were.
'Cause you swore it was real and that you changed! Okay, I'm sorry I freaked out about you moving, but good thing is, I stopped before any damage was done.
But there was damage! So much damage! I sent these insane jingles to Marci.
- Wazzat? - I sent her a cassette! She's gonna think I'm some crazy person who peddles weird oyster water and all-purpose 'nog.
There is no going back from this.
Okay, Mama will fix it.
I'll call Marci and explain everything.
Sure, explain how it's my SATs all over again, but worse.
Don't say that.
It's true.
For the first time since dropping out of college, I had hope.
Thanks a lot.
[SIGHS.]
My sports dad embarrassed me in the theater world, and I was ready to close the curtain.
Stupid heavy jacket from the old country! Whoaaa.
Everything okay, man? No, Ruben Amaro Jr.
, everything's not okay.
What happened, bro? You break up with that girl who dated me freshman year? No, and I'd prefer we not discuss that.
It's my dad.
He insists on coming to every single practice.
I hear ya.
My dad comes to every practice, too.
So you get how much it sucks.
No.
My dad's my best friend.
I'm almost done, champ! Let's warm up that arm before practice.
Be there in a minute, Pop.
Just talking to my ex-girlfriend's little boyfriend here.
I love how you're always there for everyone.
You taught me well, Dad.
I love you, son.
I love you more! Wow.
This is just like the total opposite of my experience.
What can I say? Ruben Sr.
was an athlete himself, so he knows how crazy sports dads can get.
I re-gripped your bat, buddy.
Super thoughtful, Dad! Yeah, last thing he wants is for me to get burnt out so I fake an injury or quit altogether.
You're right! I can totally fake an injury! I'll pretend I lost my voice so I can't sing.
Wait, what sport do you play? The greatest sport of all theater.
Yeah, I kinda wish I knew that before I got involved.
There you are, AG.
Come on, you got the call.
You're goin' in.
[HOARSELY.]
Bad news.
Lost my voice.
Whatcha gonna do? Hydrate it.
Suck on a lozenge.
Get back out there! Ruben, get away from that demanding father.
- He'll kill your spirit.
- On it, Pop.
Who the hell's that? That is the wonderful father of Ruben Amaro Jr.
named Ruben Amaro Sr.
, and I wish that was us.
That is us! I'm here.
I'm trying to help you, you moron! Well, you're not! I hate this play, and now I hate all musicals.
So thank you for taking my favorite thing in the world and ruining it.
[MIKE + THE MECHANICS' "THE LIVING YEARS" PLAYS.]
Schmoo? Save your schmoos.
I don't want to hear it from you.
I just got off the phone with cousin Marci.
Oh, God, well, what did you do now? Nothing.
Apparently, Marci played your jingles for her office, and they loved 'em.
Thought it was a bold stunt.
Stunt? You gave me those songs to make me look like a crazy person.
Well, they don't need to know that.
That's great, but it doesn't make up for the fact that you sabotaged me and you're never gonna change.
I know.
Truth is, I am a selfish, scheming mama bear who can't let her kids leave because she loves them so damn much.
And the worst thing is, I'll be like this 'til I'm 75 years old.
If that's your way of saying I'm sorry, it's not working.
[SIGHS.]
I knew you were gonna say that.
So I thought maybe some new flash cards might help.
- Say it loud - [SCOFFS.]
Don't.
- Say it loud - Say it clear Really not helping.
- Whoa-oh, say it clear - God.
- You can listen - Still a no.
- As well as you hear - "Rapplepop," really? - It's too late - It's too late Even if I'm in Los Angeles? - When we die - Whoa-oh, when we die - To admit - We don't see eye to eye How did you know I was gonna ask that? 'Cause I know you better than anyone, schmoo.
And the one thing about me that'll never change is how much I rapplepop you.
Between the present and the past [VOICE BREAKING.]
I rapplepop you too, Mom.
We only sacrifice the future It's the bitterness that lasts Whatcha doing? Thinking about joining the baseball team.
All the dads there seem to be very kind and supportive.
I deserve that.
If you're just gonna yell at me again I'm really not.
All I want is for you to follow me.
And for the first time ever, my dad was the one who shared a home movie with me.
Say it, say it, say it loud Okay, what am I looking at? Me.
You were in "Fiddler"? I played Tevye.
I only auditioned because my dad loved the play.
But Pop-Pop hates everything.
Not this.
He was so proud.
He would sit in the front row every night.
And for the first time, I felt close to the guy, you know? So that's why this means so much to you? I know it's stupid.
But I just wanted us to have the same thing I had with my dad.
In that moment, I realized why my father became a crazed sports dad when it came to "Fiddler.
" He wasn't trying to live through me.
He was trying to connect the only way he knew how.
And with a little perspective, I finally understood just how great of a play it was.
Sometimes, it's hard to understand why the people we love act the way they do.
But when you put your trust in them, that's when the real traditions come to life.
Hey, so say it, say it, say it loud - - - - Okay, everyone shut your faces.
Dad, I've decided who I'm gonna be in "Fiddler on the Roof" so you can finally be my sports theater Dad.
- His sports what? - Don't ask.
I shall be Lazer Wolf.
Stop! The play's over! Ahh.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're trying to motivate me.
Well, Lazer Wolf never quits 'cause he's got lasers! Moron! Lazar Wolf is the respected town butcher.
[HOWLS.]
I don't know what any of that was.
It's for the best.