The Neighborhood (2018) s06e06 Episode Script

1
Are you sure you're ready
to go back to work, Calvin?
It's been two weeks, Tina.
My knee is healed, all right?
I didn't stay home this long
when I had gallstones taken out.
You didn't have gallstones taken out.
It was your appendix.
Well, something came out, and
I was right back on my feet.
All right, Calvin.
Venturing out in the world?
He's supposed to be venturing
to physical therapy,
but he won't make an appointment.
I don't need it, Tina.
I was born in the '60s.
That's when things were built tough.
I'm not made of fiberglass and plastic
like these new people.
Hi.
- Hey, what's
- Hey, what's with the big thermometer?
It's for our fundraising campaign,
but I can't leave it at school.
Some creative young artist
keeps adding things to it
that, uh, make it look
like something else.
Oh. Like what?
- Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
We're raising money to
build an aquatic center
to attract new families to the school.
Finally, we can stick it to those snobs
at the Oak Ridge Academy.
Hey, do you know their cafeteria
has a Michelin star?
Stop following that school on Instagram!
I got to run.
Yeah, you know what, me too. (GROANS)
TINA: Okay.
Enough, Calvin. I'm making
you an appointment for PT.
Ooh, you know, I know a
great physical therapist.
I refer people to him
at the VA all the time.
His name is Derrick Frye.
Oh, the Derrick Frye?
Used to play for the Rams?
So, you've heard of him?
Yes, Dave. I'm a man.
And I watch football.
Oh, good. So, you'll do it?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess, you know, if I
I mean, if I need to do it,
then I might as well go to someone
who's used to working on
elite athletes like myself.
I'm out of here, guys. (GROANING)
(GROANING)
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
♪
Whoa. What happened to you?
After-school art club.
That's what happened to me.
I'm a history teacher. Look at this top.
I was gonna take this back!
You're lucky.
Our dear principal made me supervise
the softball team.
I had to wear this huge
leather glove thing.
And it was not new.
Well, it's all for the kids, right?
Are the kids gonna refund me my $59?
$59? American dollars?
I'm quoting the original price.
Look, the point is,
we are being overworked.
I know she's your friend and all,
but Principal Johnson
needs to stop asking us
to do double duty.
She's got to hire some teachers' aides.
Look, look, no one cares about this
school more than Gemma, okay?
She busts her butt, too.
Let's cut her a little slack, okay?
- Hello, teachers!
- Hey.
Oh! Looks like someone had fun in art.
Sure did. (FAKE LAUGH)
You know me, anything for the kids.
Aw.
That's right.
Speaking of which, is anyone
free tomorrow afternoon?
Thank you, Tina!
Wh-wh-what? I didn't say yes.
But it's an emergency.
I need someone to chaperone
the fifth graders' field trip
to the Altadena Waste Disposal Center.
You mean the dump.
Please don't call it "the dump."
The dump people get very offended.
I'd do it, but I'm swamped.
I've got the fundraising campaign,
the annual report to finish,
back-to-back donor dinners
- Plus, it'll be fun.
- Fine.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
- (SIGHS)
You're the best.
Eh. The best.
- Have fun, Tina.
- Mm-hmm.
Hope you had your tetanus shot.
Yeah, you know, I was a
running back back in my day.
And I almost made the pros,
but, you know, just missed the cut, man.
Really? What college did you play for?
You know (STAMMERS)
in college, too.
I-I missed the cut. I missed the cut.
But, uh, I dominated in high school,
middle school, peewee, you know.
It's just good to talk to somebody
else that played the game.
You know.
All right, Calvin, I need to know,
are you injured or are you hurt?
What's the difference?
If you're injured, you can't play.
But if you're hurt,
I'm gonna put your butt back on
the field and give you the ball.
- Okay
- Mm-hmm.
Now, I'm gonna ask you
one more damn time
Are you injured or are you hurt?
You know, I'm still a little confused
but I'm gonna say "hurt"?
Now we're talking.
Now let's get you off that bench
- and back in the game.
- Okay. All right.
Now, this electro stim machine
is gonna get the blood
flowing to your knee.
- Let's get to work.
- All right.
- (MACHINE HUMMING)
- Mm.
How's that feel?
(CHUCKLING): I didn't
even know it was on.
That's what I'm talking about.
- Let's crank it up, then.
- Okay.
(MACHINE BEEPS)
No pain, no gain.
That's my motto.
All right. Now we're getting somewhere.
- You good?
- (MUTTERING): I'm okay. I'm all right.
(MUFFLED GROAN)
(SHOUTS)
Whoo. Okay, man.
Well, thanks for coming, man.
That was a good one right there.
Are you under the impression
that we're done here?
No, sir.
Coach sir D-doctor. Doctor?
- Pick one!
- Okay. (MUMBLES)
♪
Right. So, Pop drove all
the way to work today,
but didn't get out of his truck?
I think his knee still hurts.
We had to have our staff
meeting in the parking lot.
Whenever he didn't like
an idea, he just honked.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Ooh. I'd better go.
I am about to be late for class.
Uh, okay.
Malcolm, yeah, I got something
to show you, man.
- It's about your girl
- What?
Janelle! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Hey, how you doing?
You're rocking that computer bag.
Thank you.
(CHUCKLING): Okay.
- Bye, babe.
- Bye.
See you later.
Uh what's going on, Trey?
All right, look, I'm not even
gonna sugarcoat this.
I was scrolling on Tinder,
looking for a wife
Yours or someone else's?
I mean, I'm open.
Anyway, I swiped on Janelle.
Whoa, Janelle?
Why would you swipe on my Janelle?
Nah, see, I was just
swiping and swiping,
and before I realized, it-it was her.
And you can't un-swipe.
Why is she on a dating app?
I don't know, but whatever you do,
don't tell her I told you,
'cause I ain't no snitch.
- I got you, man. Don't say that.
- Hey. I forgot my keys.
Yeah, uh, Trey saw you on Tinder!
No, I didn't. No, I didn't.
- Come on, Trey.
- Yes.
I guess I still have the app,
but I wouldn't say I'm on there.
I mean, I still have Angry Birds.
Yeah, I guess I need to free
up some storage space.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's,
that's a great idea.
Why don't you start with Tinder?
- I mean, I need more space for our pictures.
- (CHUCKLES)
- And that video.
- Shh.
(EXCLAIMS)
BOTH: Damn!
What?
Well, I mean, you-you're
finally settling down.
Oh, settling down?
What you talking about?
I mean, you made her
delete her dating app.
You low-key just proposed.
What? That's ridiculous, man.
Malcolm's got a girlfriend! ♪
- All right, stop. Stop.
- Malcolm's got a girlfriend ♪
- Malcolm's got a girlfriend. ♪
- Anybody can
♪
(GROANS)
I think there's something
rotten in the fridge.
It's not the fridge.
Yes, it's me!
One of the kids thought he
saw a hundred dollar bill
in a pile of garbage and went after it.
And guess who had to pull him out? Me!
Turned out to be a
flyer for a strip club.
Hello to the best faculty
in all of Pasadena.
Ooh, it's a little ripe in here.
That's because I just got back
from that "waste treatment
center" that you sent me to.
Ugh, thank you so much.
I'd hug you, but you know.
- Now
- (MOUTHS)
Who has a red marker?
I have exciting news.
Is that bag covering
what I think it's covering?
It was in a locked cabinet.
I don't know how these
kids are getting to it.
It's the parents. I blame the parents.
But not to their faces, because
we are now at 85% of
our fundraising goal
for the new aquatic center.
It's gonna look so great
on the school's brochure.
Oh, Mr. Ryan, I need you
to design a brochure.
On top of debate club,
parking lot duty, and Model U.N.?
Thank you! You are a rock star.
(GEMMA SIGHS)
I really can't thank you all enough
for going the extra mile for our kids.
You-you really want to thank us?
Try hiring some teachers' aides.
That would be fantastic.
Uh
I wish we could afford it.
Oops! I've got to run to
an organizing meeting
for the silent auction.
Smell you later. Sorry,
that's just an expression.
♪
Now come on, Calvin. Let's go.
I've got a reputation here.
By the second or third session,
I've always gotten my client to 50%.
I'm undefeated.
- At therapy?
- At life.
Now, we're gonna do some fire cupping.
You don't mind a little heat, do you?
Well, I mind being set on fire.
A little fire never hurt anybody.
Well, that's not true.
That's why they have burn units.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Ooh, hey, Calvin. Sorry, sorry.
I don't want to interrupt.
Oh, oh, it's not interrupting.
You're not interrupting.
There's always time for
Dave. You know what?
Uh, let's put a pin in
this fire cup thing, okay?
- (POPPING NOISE)
- Okay.
Is it fire cupping time?
You know, I remember
when Derek did this to me.
It was rough.
It was?
You could have fooled me.
Hey, your man Dave, here?
He can take some pain.
This Dave?
Fanny pack Dave?
Oh, yeah.
This man's a beast.
I haven't worked with a guy
this tough since The Rock.
(LAUGHING): Okay,
did you just compare Dave to The Rock?
Oh, no,
I compared The Rock to Dave.
Now, now, Calvin, look, I don't
want Derek's effusive compliments
to make you feel less than.
Okay? Not everyone has my
strength and fortitude.
Mm-hmm.
I have to open jars for you.
You know what? Come on.
Light me back on fire. Let's go!
So Tina and the teachers
asked you to hire teachers' aides?
Yeah.
So you're giving them candles
and Hershey's kisses?
We can't afford the good stuff.
These are Costco Smooches.
And, uh, that's
Yes, it's hair, Dave.
They've added hair.
The artist has gotten ambitious.
I just hope the teachers
appreciate this gesture.
I don't know what else to do.
They just don't understand
what the aquatic center
will do for the school.
I mean, I don't, either.
None of my friends do.
Well, luckily, your friends
don't run the school.
Hey, buddy, Is that Is that
Magic Marker on your hand?
Uh, I don't know. They're in my pockets.
Were you the one drawing
testicles on my thermometer?
Okay, Gemma, relax.
Our son would never do that.
I mean, that'd be nuts.
All right.
Quality dad joke.
♪
(LAUGHS)
- Hey.
- Hey.
Before you say anything,
this is not a dating app. It's a video.
It's the one with the baby
sitting in the snow going
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, that's a good one.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hey, you know what?
I owe you an apology.
Yeah, I made way too big a deal
about you being on a silly little app,
and, uh, I wouldn't blame you for
putting it back on your phone.
Nah, I don't need it.
I forgot it was even there.
No, but really, really,
you should put it back.
You know, if only to
show me I had no right
telling you to delete it, huh?
Who the hell do I think I am?
So you want me to start using it again?
Well, I'm not saying
you have to use it
But I should have it?
You should have the right to have it.
Okay, we've been together,
what, eight months?
Mm-hmm.
I think I'm finally starting
to understand you.
Okay.
Remember when you made us
register our relationship
at the school, but you kept insisting
that we call it a "vibe"?
- Well, vibe means we vibing. It's
- Yeah.
Yeah, Malcolm, we're vibing,
we're hanging, we're chilling,
we're kicking it.
- Yeah.
- I just don't think we're dating.
Well, you know, we shouldn't have
to put labels on ourselves, right?
- We aren't label people.
- Mm-hmm.
Remember the time I left my
toothbrush at your place,
accidentally, and you lost your mind?
Okay, I would not say I lost my mind.
You drove it to my house.
And now that I've deleted the
stupid app, per your request,
you're scared
because that means we're
in a real relationship.
You want boyfriend privileges,
but you don't want to be a boyfriend.
And I don't have time for that.
Okay. Okay, okay, look, Janelle,
I got the solution, okay?
Don't put Tinder back on your phone.
No, Malcolm, I have the solution.
- We're done.
- What, done?
You mean, like "done" done?
You can say "done" as
many times as you want.
It's over.
Take care of yourself, Malcolm.
Wait, Janelle
♪
And then, out of the blue,
she broke up with me.
- Can you believe that?
- No.
We thought you were going
to break up with her.
- Mm-hmm.
- What are you talking about?
Come on, man.
This seemed like it was your way out.
It's vintage Malcolm.
You date them for a while,
you find something wrong,
and then you're out.
What? Man, I don't do that.
Oh, really? Keisha?
Her second toe was longer
than her big toe.
You were out.
Well, I am drawn to a more
traditional flip-flop aesthetic.
Tanya didn't make the bed.
She was the last one in it.
Everyone knows that's the rule.
Stephanie. You broke up with her
because she owned her own bowling ball.
It's weird. They have
them at the alley, Trey.
Look, man, I hate to say it, but
you have a commitment problem.
Man, you guys are crazy.
Okay, so why couldn't
you commit to Janelle?
I was planning on committing.
I just hadn't decided
to definitely do it yet.
Brother, I don't know
what you're looking for,
but Janelle was brilliant and funny,
and she was super into you.
He ain't lying.
If I had a Janelle,
I wouldn't even be on Tinder.
As much.
Okay, you know what? Y'all are
acting like Janelle is perfect,
- but she she has flaws.
- Like what?
She has never seen Coming to America.
Yeah, okay.
Other day, I said, "Sexual Chocolate."
She had no idea what
I was talking about.
Sexual Chocolate!
I have a problem, don't I?
I can't thank you enough for
your generous gift, Dr. Kittay.
Yes, see you at the pool.
Oh, in a speedo? (LAUGHS)
Oh, you're great.
Hey, Gemma.
Um, we got to have a real talk.
I am here on behalf of the teachers.
Oh, did the gift bags cheer them up?
Well, actually, they made the
teachers slightly angrier.
You see, we all have candles,
but what we need is help.
We're understaffed.
We need teachers' aides.
I so hear you,
- and I've discussed it with the board
- Uh-huh.
and it's just not in
the budget right now.
But a swimming pool is in the budget?
I wish. That's why we're
having a fundraiser.
So why don't you have a
fundraiser for teachers' aides?
That's not how it works.
Until you make it work that way.
Tina, there's a whole board of trustees
I have to answer to. I'm sorry.
But, hey, if there's anything
you need, just name it.
I've been naming it, Gemma.
Teachers' aides.
(PHONE RINGS)
I'm sorry, I've got to take this.
Mr. Schaefer, hello.
No, no, no, I'm not busy at all.
♪
You know, you never know
how important a knee is
until you
you don't have one, you know?
Anything I dropped on the ground
this last month stayed there.
So, you feel better now, huh?
Hey, I feel great. You know what?
Tackle me.
Hey, don't tempt me.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Ooh, hey, guys. How's it going?
Oh, hey, Calvin, uh,
I found your sunglasses.
I think you dropped
them in the driveway.
You know what? Drop them now.
Drop them.
Okay. Um
Whoa.
(CHUCKLES) Your man Derek
here got me straight, man.
Well, I couldn't have
done it without Dave.
Dave? What'd Dave do?
Look, I needed to inspire
you to try harder.
DAVE: So, uh, Derek held
me up as an example
of strength and machismo.
You see, I used Dave here
to light that competitive fire in you.
You know, athletes like you and me,
we just need to be challenged.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You know. Yeah, we're
the same, you know?
So-so, what you're saying is that Dave
wasn't so tough in his sessions?
(LAUGHS) No. He cried like a baby.
We've got the mockups on the brochure.
The aquatic center looks great.
Yes, I have seen the thermometer.
No, I have no idea who did it.
(PEOPLE CHANTING):
We don't need no stinking pool.
Teachers need some help at school.
- We don't need no stinking pool.
- I've got to run.
Teachers need some help at school.
We don't need no stinking pool.
Teachers need some help at school.
Tina, really?
We don't want Principal Johnson.
Send her back home to Wisconsin.
We don't want Principal Johnson.
- Uh
- Send her back home to Wisconsin.
I'm from Michigan!
Send her back home to Wisconsin.
Tina, tell them!
Send her back home to Wisconsin.
We don't want Principal Johnson
GROVER: No justice, no homework.
No justice, no homework.
Grover, what are you
doing? Get to class.
There are no teachers, Gemma.
He's an ally.
The principal has no principles.
Both of those "principles"
are spelled wrong, Grover.
Well, maybe your new swimming pool
- can teach him the difference.
- (FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
You don't need the megaphone.
You're very easy to hear.