Benidorm (2007) s06e07 Episode Script

Morning, team.
Everything ship-shape and Bristol fashion? Never mind.
Everything's running like clockwork.
We're not gonna let you down today, Mrs Temple-Savage, don't you worry.
Of course she's going to worry, the big boss is coming to leave her the sack.
Give her the sack, not leave her the sack.
Yeah, hopefully not but - Don't worry, Lesley, it's fine.
Whatever the CEO of Solana Europe decided to do with me after yesterday's events, well that's up to her.
Que sera, sera.
What time does Miss Sara Sara get here? I will make sure she's looked after, yes? No, que sera sera isn't a name, that's just a saying.
Her name is Crystal Hennessy-Vass.
Make of that what you will.
I think I prefer Kay Sara Sara.
Lesley, you haven't forgotten about the Dutch dignitaries arriving, have you? What are the Dutch dingleberries? Dignitaries.
It means very important people.
Ah, VPLs.
No, Mrs Temple-Savage, I haven't forgotten about them.
Everything is in hand.
Very good.
One of them is the mayor of Lilliput or something.
Try and get a photo of them enjoying our facilities, it might increase bookings from the Netherlands.
Erm neither of you have seen Cyril, have you? Mrs Temple-Savage, I had his breakfast taken up to his room and well, he didn't sleep there last night.
Right.
Well he's probably trying to make himself scarce.
He will no doubt grace us with his presence later.
Carry on.
Squirrel will not be bringing Joyce's presents later, will he, Lesley? No, Mateo, I don't think he will.
So he's going to be OK, isn't he? What? Oh, where? Guy? It's only me.
Don't worry, it's only me.
Oh, Liam, you came.
Of course I came.
You text me four times already telling me not to be late.
All the people in here, they've been so kind.
Is that for me? Yeah.
Really? Oh, you shouldn't have.
I don't wanna be a burden to anyone.
What's this? Oranges? You taking the piss? I've got a heart complaint, not frigging scurvy.
There's grapes in there, as well.
Where's the zinger burger and fries I asked you for? They're not open yet.
The doctor said you're not to get excited.
Excited? About what? A bloody fruit salad? I'm wasting away in here and you bring me this bag of shite.
And what's this? A lemon? What am I supposed to do with a bloody lemon? Oh, sod this for a game of soldiers.
I'm off to John and Joseph's for a fry-up.
Stay there! Stay there, stay in bed! What are you playing at? Nurse! Nurse! Get me out of this bed right now! Get off me! You can't do this to me! Get off me! Morning, love.
I'm so glad to get off that coach, I've never known such a bumpy ride.
I'm just finishing these two young men off.
Can I put you in the capable hands of my colleague Mateo? I don't mind who sorts me out, I'm just glad to be in the sun.
Thank you.
Your name is Mina Love Allen? Mina Love's my real name but everyone calls me Queenie.
OK, Queenie, you have a double room booked for one week.
There is just you? Nobody else? Well, for the moment but hope springs eternal in the human breast.
What does this mean? I've no idea.
Just get her booked in, she's frightening the other guests.
OK, Queenie, here's your all-inclusive wristband and your room key.
You are on the 11th floor.
Please, have a happy holiday.
It's a good job I've got a head for heights.
These stairs, yes? It will be quicker to take the elevator.
Oh, no, I never go in elevators, they make me nervous and I break out into uncontrollable laughter.
Did you want me to find you a room on a lower floor? Oh, no, don't bother yourself.
It's all good fun, isn't it? I bet we can still hear her laughing from up there.
A message from Queenie.
Oh, has she got here OK? 'Arrived safe and sound.
Just heading to my room, probably need a shower after that but see you guys shortly.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Ha.
' Lovely.
She could have saved on the text.
Oh, yeah.
You can always hear Queenie coming.
Quite.
Ooh, go on, she's there.
I can see she's there.
Well, go and talk to her about the discount.
They'll probably just refund it to our card.
Where are you going? If you're too spineless to ask for it, I'll have to do it myself.
Tonya.
Tonya! Este servicio necesita substituir.
Demasiados calcen Keep going, I think he's getting the gist of it.
It's a very difficult language.
You owe us money.
Good morning to you, as well.
You gave us an 80% discount on our holiday and I'd like to sort that out, if that's OK with you? How did you get 80% off? It's a long story.
I've got all day.
I think you'll find I offered you 20% discount on your next holiday.
Our next holiday? Yes.
Our next holiday here? Yes.
You have got to be joking.
We come every year, I'll have the discount.
Right, who's your superior? And I don't mean intelligence.
I haven't got time to see that many people.
I haven't got one.
I find that very difficult to believe.
I imagine you find most things difficult, especially in those ludicrous heels.
What did you just say? Don't get me wrong, I think your look is very brave.
I was a huge fan of George and Mildred.
Now, you listen to me - Whoa, whoa, all right, ladies, calm down.
Come on, we've all had a lot to drink.
Your voucher will be sent on to you, should your grubby and rather strange family wish to grace us with their presence again.
What?! Do let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Come here.
Come here and say that! Whoa, whoa, whoa, leave it.
What the hell is going on over there? It's your husband with his dirty, wandering hands.
My husband is obviously trying to keep the peace.
Trying to get a piece, more like.
He's had his eye on that one since day one.
Oh, my God.
Do you reckon it's a film star? What? Staying here? Yeah, right.
Oh.
Park up, Elvis.
This could take some time.
Uh-huh.
When you have a minute.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
I put all my bras on a boil wash by mistake and this one's cutting through me like a knife through butter.
Welcome to the Solana, how can I help you? You can start by telling me you're not Joyce Temple-Savage.
Oh, no, no.
Joyce is just the manageress.
I'm Lesley, chief dogsbody and bottle washer.
Oh, thank God for that.
You'll have to put that out, pet.
It's a non-smoking hotel.
Lesley, I have looked everywhere in the hotel for Squirrel.
I'm sure he has gone.
You have squirrels in the hotel? No, are you deaf? I just said he has gone.
What Mateo means is - All right, I've heard enough.
Now, listen to me.
I'm going to take a seat over there and you, young man, are going to bring me a large gin slimline tonic and an ashtray and you madam, are going to get Joyce Temple-Savage on the telephone and tell her to get her sorry arse down here within the next five minutes.
And who, if you don't mind me asking, shall I tell her is waiting for her? Crystal Hennessy-Vass, chairman and CEO of the Solana Leisure Group Europe.
In other words, top dog, kiddo.
Top dog.
What kind of dog? Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Oh, it's so lovely to see you, Queenie.
It's just such a shame we go home tomorrow.
You go home tomorrow? Yes, we've been here a week.
Oh, your timing's terrible.
You know it's the CBSA's silver jubilee next week? CBSA? Costa Blanca Swingers Association There's a swingers association covering the whole of the Costa Blanca? Gracious, that sounds like quite a bean feast.
I thought that's why you were here.
No, when you texted us and said you were coming to Benidorm, we just thought it was a happy coincidence.
Oh, Donald, can't we stay on another week? I'm sorry, Jacqueline, it's out of the question.
Yesterday I spent two euros on a newspaper we didn't need.
I feel as though the handbrake on our finances has been totally disengaged.
My mate Pepe De La Cruz is making a personal appearance this year.
Not the Pepe De La Cruz? Yeah, we go back years.
Who is Pepe De La Cruz? Oh, it's not that skunk in them cartoons, is it? That's Pepe Le Pew.
Pepe De La Cruz is an international legend.
He had quite an adult film career in his day.
He was known as the king of the swingers.
Pepe's basically retired from the swinging scene now but he does make a few personal appearances now and again.
You don't want to meet him, do you? You could actually get us an audience with Pepe De La Cruz? Well, security around him and his wife's tight, as you can well imagine, but there's a party in his honour tonight.
I could pull a few strings.
Oh.
Same again? Lovely! You know, my uncle Cameron once cried after kissing the Pope's ring on the visit to the Vatican in the early '60s.
He said one day I'd understand how he felt.
How right he was.
So did they get their refund or not? I told you, I don't know.
What was the refund for? I don't know.
Why are you bothered about that? Why don't you get the money she owes you from going to that spa? You still haven't told me how much it was.
Well, how much was it? - 400.
- 400?! And 60.
I thought you went to a spa, not frigging bought one! Right, I'll sort this out.
Sit down.
You've got to be joking! You might have taken leave of your senses but I haven't.
Sit down.
I don't want the money back, I'll pay for it.
Oh, you don't want the money back.
Well, I bloody well do.
Here we go.
An afternoon of extravagance with The Attack of the 50ft Woman and she thinks she's Zsa Zsa Gabor.
I don't want the money back because I don't want her thinking we can't afford it.
We can't afford it.
didn't cost that much.
Shut up, shut up, the pair of you.
It's my problem and I'll sort it out.
460! Mother, I said shut up.
I'll sort it.
Mam, can I have some money to go to the beach? Well? May I just say, before you begin, that I take full responsibility for all recent events.
Well, that goes without saying.
As far as the Solana Benidorm is concerned, you are at the top of the tree.
But when the monkey gets to the top of the tree, everybody can see its arse.
Well, yes, quite.
Anyway, what I was going to say was - Hang on a minute, hang on a minute.
You see, Savage, my problem is that you've gone over my head.
Right.
We're not still talking about the monkey, are we? You've made major decisions regarding this hotel without consulting your superiors, which have resulted in what can only be described as a complete contravention of Solana standards.
But can I say, in our defence, we bought the pig with all good faith and all hygiene standards were adhered to in line with the European health regulations.
I am convinced the pig had a jippy tummy when it was alive.
What the hell are you talking about? The pig for the eating competition that gave all our guests food poisoning.
You're telling me that your guests got food poisoning? So what? Welcome to Benidorm.
I'm talking about something far more serious.
You mean employing Mr Babcock as assistant manager? I can assure you that despite his brief prison sentence in Thailand for worrying cows, his character and references are second to none.
Savage! Yes? You did something to this hotel that opposes every principle, every criteria, every specification that I set down when I founded the Solana Leisure Group in 1983.
What did I do? You had the temerity to have the hotel upgraded to a four-star.
I don't understand.
Surely that's a good thing? When people book the three-star Solana Benidorm, they expect a certain level of service - absolute crap.
So when they get here, and they get more than that, they're pleasantly surprised.
I see.
Tell them it's a three-star and they expect sticky carpets, egg and chips, karaoke.
Tell them it's a four-star and you are opening a whole new can of worms for yourself.
I didn't think.
No, you didn't.
We are budget and we're proud.
And the last thing we need is some toffee-nosed social climber trying to drag us into the 21st century.
Toffee-nosed social climber? I'm talking about you, Savage.
Oh, yes, of course, I'm sorry.
Does this mean that we're not in trouble about the pig? I mean, the food poisoning? All I care about is that you've not given this hotel ideas above its station.
I want to see good, honest working class people enjoying a basic, three-star holiday.
So we'll start with the rooms and we'll work our way outside.
Do I make myself clear? Well, apart from the word 'temerity', yes, absolutely.
Oh, and one more thing.
Yes? Large gin and slimline tonic.
If you'd like to follow me.
What happened? You fell asleep again.
I need your help.
I'm not getting you a zinger burger.
I need you to help me get out of here.
Kenneth, you've had a heart attack.
I haven't had a heart attack, don't be so dramatic.
I had a few chest pains and I was a bit short of breath.
You get out of that bed and I'm calling for the doctor.
You've got to stop playing this down.
I've told everyone at the Solana that they didn't keep you in hospital like you asked me to but at some point, you've got to face facts.
You're not a well man.
I don't want people worrying about me.
I don't want all this fuss, I just wanna go home.
No.
I'll be back later this afternoon.
If I hear you've been out of that bed, that's me and you finished.
You can be quite the Little Miss Bossy Pants when you put your mind to it, can't you? You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you.
I'll be back.
Ooh, you're like Arnold Schwarzenegger with a tangerine rinse.
I'll see you later.
See you later, love.
I-I-I trust the rooms were to your satisfaction? Not bad.
The blinds are a little modern.
Why don't you see if you can get some cheap net curtains? Absolutely.
You know, although we did manage to scrape a four-star rating, I'm pretty sure the accreditation board would have no problem putting us back down to a three.
So this new assistant manager you're talking about, where is he? Cyril? He, erm I believe it's Mr Babcock's day off today.
Joyce, do you see the word 'idiot' written across my forehead? No.
Good.
There's a reason for that.
Now, let's start again.
Mr Babcock I'm not sure where he is.
Cyril Mr Babcock is an old friend of mine.
He has made a few mistakes but I do believe he's the right man for the job.
He's not just a friend, is he? I can assure you mine and Mr Babcock's relationship is absolutely professional.
Oh, bollocks to that.
Come on, I've seen that look in a woman's eye before.
I met all four of my husbands on the job, so to speak.
Have you had an argument? Just a misunderstanding.
I think he's licking his wounds somewhere.
Slightly too much information but I know what you mean.
Excuse me, you were incredibly rude to my wife earlier.
Piss off, short arse, can't you see we're having a conversation here? Go on, shoo, shoo, shoo, get off, get off.
Never forget the Solana's two golden rules.
Number one, the customer is always right.
And number two? If the customer happens to be a man, forget rule number one.
You're doing a great job here, Savage.
Just remember to get one of those stars taken down from the front of the hotel and we won't say any more about it, OK? I understand.
Elvis, I'm about to leave the building.
Oh, and Joyce, if your man doesn't come back, maybe he wasn't right for you in the first place.
Que sera sera.
Oh, Cyril.
I said to him, I don't care how long it's been in the fryer, I'm telling you that fish just winked at me.
Good day to you.
My colleagues and I have a reservation in the name of De Groot.
I'll be with you in a second.
And then he says What did you say your name was? Jan De Groot.
Are you the party from Neverland? Neverland? We are from the Netherlands.
We are Dutch.
We are from Amsterdam.
Back, back.
Back, back.
Mateo, pass me that carpet.
What? The red carpet.
Really, this is not necessary.
Once second, just one second.
Gentlemen, it is of our greatest of pleasure to welcome you to the beautiful sleepy fishing town of Benidorm and the luxurious tranquility that is the Solana.
We are booking in for one night.
Our passports.
But of course, may I say how handsome you fine gentlemen are looking today? Er thank you.
I like your hair.
Thank you.
Right, just a small amount of paperwork to be done.
We'll have you in the lap of luxury in two shakes of a duck's tail.
Look, mate, I'm not being funny but it's me she fancies.
Why do you think that? Just cos she asked you to meet her today? Er yeah.
And because in Neptunes last night she totally blanked you.
Mikey, no offence but how stupid are you? She's trying to get to me through you.
Why would she do that? Because she's a girl! Girls don't go up to the guy they fancy and ask them out, they get friendly with their best mate.
I'm telling you, if you would have come here today without me, she'd have been absolutely gutted.
Cerrado.
What does that mean? I remember seeing a sign like that before when I took a dump in the Solana pool.
I think it means they're closed.
Come on, I knew she wouldn't be here.
What have you done? What's wrong with you? Lighten up, man, it's a joke.
Don't hang around, you'll get caught.
As well as a list of Benidorm's finest sex shops, you will also find, at the bottom of the page, the number of Lucky Kev, a small-time local drug dealer who will keep you supplied with all varieties of weed and puff during your stay here at the Solana.
Ah, yes, we also have a small afternoon snack for you all, a 'horses doovrey' to make you feel at home.
Enjoy.
The first shop on the list is less than 1km away.
Give me that! Get out the way.
Hello? Don't you 'hello' me.
I beg your pardon? What's going on? What's going on? Oh, you've got some front.
What is it that you want? You practically mugged my daughter in broad daylight.
I should call the police.
Why don't I get us all a drink? Yeah, offer to get a round of drinks in an all-inclusive hotel.
That's about as far as your generosity stretches.
I've met you people before, short arms and long pockets.
I haven't got short arms.
You're tight as a duck's arse and you've got a face to match.
That's my wife you're talking to.
Ooh, you knew which one I meant, then.
I think you should come back when you're sober.
Oh, shit.
Mick, Mick, wake up.
I haven't touched a drop, unlike your freeloading family, I've seen you, guzzling down the free booze like someone's gonna take it away from you.
Mother, what are you doing? What do you mean, freeloading? We've paid for our holiday just like you.
Oh, yeah, and you're trying to wriggle out of that, as well.
For God's sake, Mother.
Tell her you want your money back.
I don't want any money back.
Why don't we all have a drink? That's what I said.
They should be locked up and their ugly kids should be in care.
What?! I have no idea what the maximum sentence in Spain is for breaking a pensioner's neck but I am more than willing to find out.
What are you doing? I'm not doing anything! Mick, get her out of it! You'll have to pay for that, as well.
Mam, come on.
I've got you.
Check again.
Donald and Jacqueline Stewart.
We're friends of - Donald, where have you been? Sorry, we had a nap this afternoon after our drinks at the Solana.
You know what they say, siesta before fiesta.
It's OK, they're with me.
My goodness, this looks quite a party.
Oh, yes.
There's a big movie being made in Alicante.
There's quite a few faces in town and of course, they all want to meet Pepe, he's a bit of a cult.
Oh, that's a shame, a lot of famous people can be a - No, cult.
Oh! Right, let's get some drinks, have a mingle, then we can go through and meet Pepe.
Wonderful.
Elena.
What are you doing here? Tiger, how are you? Yeah, I'm good.
What's going on? I was looking for Michael.
He's, erm gone.
Gone? Yeah, his family went out into Benidorm for dinner.
Oh.
You don't know where? No, sorry, they didn't say.
Then he flies home tomorrow.
Are you busy tonight? I wrote down my number, my Facebook.
Could you get these to Michael? I can try.
So about tonight you doing anything? I have to be with my family.
Our pedalos were stolen today, it has brought us many problems.
OK, well I'll see what I can do.
Oops.
What's going on? Nothing.
Mind your own business.
Your mate's been asking where you are.
What mate? Oh, no, that's right, you haven't got any.
Michael.
Oh, yeah.
Tell him I'm coming for food, then I've got a date.
Tell him yourself.
That's the scooter deposit money they owe us for, as well.
Don't look at them.
I'm trying not to, I'm just about to eat.
Look, just leave them alone and they won't bother us.
We're off home tomorrow, we'll never see them again.
Are you trying to say that I can't stay in touch with Tiger? Over my dead body.
There's an offer you can't refuse.
'Pargo rojo frito o en salsa.
' Bloody hell, they've given us the menu written in Spanish.
This place is going right down hill.
Nosey.
You found a friend at last? Yeah, I have, as it goes.
Look at them staring at us.
They've got absolutely no shame.
Just ignore them.
This is all your fault.
Of course it is.
I'm serious.
I know you are, I'm agreeing with you.
Everything's my fault.
Don't be smart, Clive.
Well, what do you want me to say? Just tell me and I'll say it.
Blue moon You saw me standing alone Why didn't Kenneth want anyone to know he's been taken into hospital? He just doens't want everybody knowing his business.
Oh, aye, I understand that.
If gossip was gold, everyone in this town would be a millionaire.
Right, line up the shots, Lesley, I am back in business.
What are you doing? What? Kenneth, you promised to stay in bed.
I'm fine, just leave it, Liam.
No, I'm sorry if you think I'm nagging but the doctor said you need two weeks complete bed rest.
It may have escaped your notice but I am a grown man who is capable of making his own decisions.
You are a grown man and you'll do whatever you want, you usually do, but you're also my friend.
You absolutely do my head in sometimes .
.
but I love you.
I love you like the brother I never had and I don't know what I'd do I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you.
All right, enough.
I'm going before you set me off.
Come here.
Straight to bed, please? I've got to get some numbers out the salon to cancel some appointments but after that, I promise, straight to bed.
Are you all right, son? As long as Kenneth's OK, I'll be OK.
I don't know what you're worried about.
By Benidorm standards, he's practically an athlete.
So you see, it was simply a huge misunderstanding.
I mean, actually it's quite funny when one stops and thinks about it.
He gave us a list of local sex shops.
A list? How many are there? The one in the old town looks very good.
It was not my fault.
I looked up Amsterdam on the interweb.
I think this is a case of you shooting on the messenger.
I would like to stress that we are not without a sense of humour but this was a case of mass stereotyping and blatant xenophobia.
Not all people from Amsterdam are Edam cheese eating, sex mad drug takers.
The tulips in the room were a nice touch.
Shut up! You have my personal guarantee that you will all be treated with dignity and respect for the remainder of your stay.
Well, we are leaving in the morning.
I appreciate your words.
Now, as you know, we've been trying our best to attract more customers from the Netherlands.
I'm sure a staff photograph with such high profile dignitaries as yourselves would give us a helping hand.
Yeah, yeah, that will be fine.
And now especially for Mr Jan De Grope, there's a name for you, and our visitors from Amsterdam, we have the Dutch National Anthem.
And what better time than now? Lesley! A mouse lived in a windmill in old Amsterdam Say Edam.
Edam! He wasn't grousing, he sang every morning How lucky I am Living in a windmill in old Amsterdam I saw a mouse Where?! There on the stair Where on the stair? Right there It will probably be just a quick hello with Pepe, I hope you don't mind.
Just to meet him is a dream come true.
He doesn't speak any English but his wife's British so it won't be awkward.
Actually, she's Scottish, you might even know her.
Like when Americans think if you live in the UK, you know the Queen.
We know loads of queens.
Donald Stewart, oh, my God.
Aggie Campbell, I don't believe it! Oh, memories.
What on earth are you doing here? We're friends of Queenie but we holiday in Benidorm every year.
I'm so sorry, this is my wife Jacqueline.
Jacqueline, this is an old flame of mine Aggie Campbell.
Aggie.
Nobody's called me that for 30 years.
You look amazing.
You look not too bad, yourself.
Oh, I'm sorry, this is my husband Pepe.
It's an absolute honour and a pleasure to meet you, Mr Le Pew.
I mean Mr De La Cruz.
Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.
Buenos Noches.
Nervous about meeting him? You've got to be joking.
How long have you been married? Where did you meet? What have you been doing these past, goodness knows how many years? So many questions, Donald, so little time.
I'll tell you what, why don't the five of us split from this place? We could go and have dinner somewhere.
Old Pepe's tired of pop stars kissing his arse, anyway.
Is that OK with you, Queenie? You know me, Donald, I'm easy! Fan-bloody-tastic.
We're closed.
Come back tomorrow.
Who is it? Who's there? All right, Kenneth? How's it going? What do you want? I'm Norman the doorman from Herbert's club.
I know who you are.
What do you want? That's not very friendly.
What's that? Your uncle Herbert was dead chuffed to see you last week but he's also a businessman.
What does that mean? The fact is .
.
he was actually a bit pissed off that there's a hairdressers in Benidorm that didn't belong to him so he bought it.
Herbert bought Blow and Go? But it's not for sale.
Everything's for sale if you've got enough money.
Anyway, that's your rent demand.
Herbert always takes his first year's rent up front.
A year's rent? You've got to be joking.
And rates and utilities and insurance.
Herbert thinks the world of you, Kenneth but business is business.
Are you OK? I'm fine.
Total amount payable zero.
That's just Herbert's slightly dramatic way of saying he's bought the salon for you.
What? Well, it's in his name but you can stay here rent-free for as long as you like.
I can't believe this.
Wh-why didn't he come in and see me or just give me a ring? I know.
He's a great guy, Herbert, but he can be one camp old bastard.
I'd better get back to work.
Drop in the club sometime.
Your name's always on the door.
Who exactly apologised? All three of them.
My mam said sorry for being moody at the spa, my dad said sorry for having a go at you and my nana said sorry for being rude.
It's about time.
They also said if you wanna go for a drink at the bar later, the first round's on them.
It's all-inclusive.
I know, I think it was a joke.
I don't know how but I think we got away with that.
Of course.
Who on the earth knows what the Dutch National Anthem is like, anyway? Possibly the Dutch.
Oh, yes.
Right, I'm done in.
I'm having an early night.
Miss Temple-Savage, are you OK? No, no, I'm not OK.
You are worried about Squirrel, no? It's just so out of character for him to leave without saying goodbye.
He did not say why in his letter? What letter? Oops.
What are you talking about? No, no letter.
Mateo, what letter? One of the staff, she put the letter under your door from Squirrel.
When? I've had no letter.
Why didn't you say? It was yesterday but Squirrel told her not to say anything.
But there was no letter under my Unless They definitely apologised? Yeah.
Which one? All of them.
The mam said sorry about the spa, the dad said sorry for having a go at you and Tiger apologised for well, letting me get a tattoo, even though it wasn't his fault.
I don't believe it.
Well, that's up to you but they did, they apologised and they want to have a drink with us at the bar.
'My darling, Joyce.
This is such a difficult letter to write.
I'm using one of those little betting shop pens and the top of it keeps digging into my hand.
But it's also difficult because I know how I've let you down.
I put your career in jeopardy and that is inexcusable.
I once put my late wife Genevieve's job in danger when she worked as a rat catcher in the late '80s.
Being the animal lover I am, I stayed up one night loosening all the springs on her traps.
But I digress.
If you feel you can forgive me and you think there is some way I can redeem myself, I'll be in the Julio Iglesias square all day Tuesday alone with my thoughts.
If I haven't heard from you by six o'clock, I'll start making my way to Alicante airport.
I have an open return ticket and I'll be flying on the 9:30 to Gatwick with my hand on my heart and a tear in my eye.
I'm not sure I've convinced you, Joyce, so please forgive me as I play my final card.
Joyce, I love you.
I've always loved you and I always will love you.
I just hope you feel the same way.
Forever yours, Squirrel.
' So whereabouts are you going, then? I told you, I've got a bit of business.
Yeah, I know, you said.
What does that even mean? Ask no questions, I'll tell you no lies, mate.
All right, whatever.
Maybe see you in the morning or summat.
Yeah.
Sweet.
I know what you did, you know.
What did I do? You told your lot the same as you told my lot and they both think each other apologised.
So what? It worked, didn't it? Why did you do that? Because it's the right thing to do.
And you always do the right thing? No, I don't but when I do, it usually makes me feel better.
Especially if my family's involved .
.
and friends.
I thought you were going to sort out your 'bit of business'? Mikey, I I can't believe this, I completely forgot to tell you something.
What? That girl Elena, from the beach, she was looking for you.
You're joking? When? Earlier tonight.
I looked for you but you weren't around so I said for her to meet you on the beach tonight at 9:30.
It's 9:30 now.
And the beach is what? 90 seconds away.
If I run.
So run!