Bewitched (1964) s06e07 Episode Script

Mommy, it's beautiful.
I'll be the most beautiful princess on the whole block.
Well, I certainly hope so.
Every other child on the block's a boy.
Am I going to have a crown? Yes, as soon as Daddy's shirts come back from the laundry.
Daddy's shirts? Yes.
I need the cardboard out of them to make your crown.
Then I'm gonna get some sparkle paint, and I'll put lots of jewels and things on it.
- Oh, my goodness! - Did I scare you? Yeah.
A witch that looked like that would scare anybody.
Would I get more treats if I go trick-or-treating as an ugly old witch? Probably.
But you and I know that witches don't look like that.
They're just the same as everybody else.
Almost.
I don't know why we just don't tell everyone we're witches.
Then they'll find out what wonderful, nice people we are.
Well, I'm afraid that's out of the question.
People don't really think there are such things as witches.
So we'll just have to keep our little secret, okay? Okay.
Mommy, can I wear this crown instead of the cardboard one? Mother.
What makes you think I did that? It could've been something she ate.
Just send it back where it came from.
I don't see why a granddaughter of mine should have to wear a crown made of shirt cardboard and sparkle paint.
Don't you worry, sweetheart.
You're gonna have a beautiful crown.
Samantha? Samantha, what's the meaning of all this? Mother, you know perfectly well that those are Halloween costumes.
Perfectly harmless and unrealistic.
And discriminatory against a minority group.
You of all people.
Tabitha, why don't you run upstairs and play? I think maybe Grandmamma would like to have a little talk.
Samantha, will you please explain the meaning of these dunce caps? And these hideous masks? Well, Mother, it's all for a good cause.
I'm helping out on the Trick-or-Treat for UNICEF Committee, and I was just making some of the costumes for the neighbourhood kids.
That's a tawdry excuse.
I know very well who's behind this.
It's Durwood.
He's brainwashed you.
- Easy, Mother.
Darrin will hear you.
- I heard her.
I heard her.
There's more, there's more.
I absolutely refuse to let my daughter participate in this barbaric mortal holiday that has maligned our image for centuries.
Mother, may I remind you that I am perfectly free to do whatever I wish.
Just as long as whatever you wish is whatever he wishes you to do.
- That is not true.
- Mother, it's really very simple.
I agreed to live in this mortal world.
And as long as Halloween is part of that world I know, I know, I know.
You took your vows for better and for worse.
- And you certainly are getting the worst.
- Now, just a minute, Endora.
Darrin, you must realise that Mother tends to get a little upset - this time of the year.
- Upset? Upset? I'm not upset, I'm incensed.
To think that you, Samantha, would participate in depicting your own kind as toothless old hags with scraggly eyebrows and stringy hair and an evil cackle.
Now, don't forget the wart on the end of a long, crooked nose that she keeps sticking into everybody else's business.
Samantha, I will not stand here and be insulted by something that's 90% water.
- Oh, now - Oh, yeah? Well, how about something that's 100% hot air? Will you please tell what's-his-name he's finally pushed me too far? - She says you finally pushed - Samantha, will you please tell Madame Defarge that you happen to be my wife, and that Tabitha happens to be my daughter, and if we choose to celebrate Halloween tomorrow night and every other night of the week, it's our business and she has nothing to say about it.
You noticed she had nothing to say.
Toothless old hags, are we? With warts and scraggly eyebrows and stringy hair.
- Good morning, Darrin.
- Good morning.
Bartenbach's on his way up.
So let's give him the glad hand and the big smile.
- What's the matter with you? - Nothing.
Nothing.
Darrin, there's no reason for you to be glum.
I've gone over this presentation from cover to cover, and I want to tell you it's beautiful.
Thank you very much, Larry.
Glad you liked it.
I'm sure Bartenbach likes it as much as I do.
Good, good.
- Darrin, are you all right? - No.
Trouble at home? No, no.
It's just I have this toothache.
- Yes? - Mr Bartenbach is here.
Send him in, send him in.
I'm sorry about the tooth, but you know how important this account is, so it's mind over matter.
Okay, old boy? Now, let's give him a big smile.
Mr Bartenbach, come in, come in.
- Morning, Tate.
Stephens.
- Good morning, good morning.
Good to see you again, Mr Bartenbach.
I don't know what you two have to smile about.
It can't have anything to do with this presentation.
It's a bummer.
That's exactly the word that I was passing along to Stephens here when you came in, Mr Bartenbach.
- A bummer.
- But, Larry, you said Don't argue, Stephens, Mr Bartenbach knows what he wants.
- I certainly do.
- Suppose you tell us what that is? Well, I don't pay McMann & Tate to pick my brain.
Of course not.
I just thought we might expedite.
Okay, Stephens, let's give Mr Bartenbach the alternate presentation.
Right.
I'll go home and start work on those right now.
Just tell Mr Bartenbach what you have.
Well, somebody around here better start working on them, or I'm taking my business elsewhere.
I'm sure that won't be necessary, Mr Bartenbach.
McMann & Tate will come through for you.
You just leave it to us.
Betty, I'm going to work at home the rest of the day.
Yes, sir.
I think I need a coffee break.
You didn't think I'd forget the wart and the long crooked nose she sticks in everybody's business? Hello, Officer, I guess this isn't my lucky day.
I don't suppose you get lucky very often.
I think I know what you're going to ask.
I'm not going to ask you for a chorus of Tiptoe Through the Tulips.
- Cute.
- Now, I got nothing against you guys wearing your hair long, but you could at least comb your eyebrows.
I don't blame you for what you're probably thinking, but I don't think anything any more, buddy.
I just stand around here and hand these out.
Anyway, you guys got something going for you.
You don't have to dress up for Halloween.
Sign here.
Whatever turns you on, fella.
Well, Samantha.
I see you're still determined to perform this treacherous folly.
Mother, don't overdramatise.
Durwood has to learn a lesson, and he's fortunate to have me to teach it to him.
What have you done? Your mother always does unto others what they do unto her.
Why don't you get back to your little Halloween celebration, and I'll get back to mine.
Mother.
Don't you go too far.
Sam! Boy, did you go too far.
Your mother has gone too far.
Funny, I was just saying that.
Where is she? I'd like to speak to her.
Why, Durwood, I didn't know you cared.
Endora, I want you to know that this time I am fully aware I am responsible for your irascible behaviour.
And, Endora, I do owe you an apology.
For years, mortals have projected witches in this image.
I should have known better.
Well, I I must say I don't know what to say.
You don't have to say anything.
Just do it.
Yes.
Yes, of course.
On the other hand, it was wholly within my province to remind you that you have no business sticking your nose into the affairs of my family.
It's a matter of integrity.
He had a point to make.
Well, he didn't have to make it with my nose.
Mother, no.
I fully expected that.
Now, if you'll both excuse me, I have some important work to do.
Samantha, you're married to the most stubborn, the most obstinate Mother, now, please be reasonable.
After all, Darrin did apologise.
That's an apology? Well, all right.
If you get Darrin back to normal, I will not go trick-or-treating with Tabitha.
- Is that a promise? - Promise.
And you won't give in to any undue influence that Durwood might exert upon you? Mother, Darrin isn't the one that exerts undue influence around here.
Very well, Samantha.
I want you to know you've made your mother very happy.
Well, now you make me very happy.
You just get Darrin back to normal.
My dear, for Durwood that is normal.
Mother, get with it.
Well, I like you much better with a haircut.
Where's Endora? I think the least I can do is congratulate her for admitting when she's wrong.
Well, she left.
You know Mother.
She couldn't stand your getting sentimental over her.
- Hey, look.
Cute, huh? - Heaven.
Sorry.
- Good morning, Mr Stephens.
- Good morning, Betty.
- Mr Tate in yet? - He certainly is.
He's in your office.
Good morning, Larry.
I suppose you're anxious about the Bartenbach presentations.
- Right.
- Well, all our worries are over.
I worked the rest of yesterday afternoon and most of last night on a new campaign.
- Marvellous.
- Bartenbach is going to love it.
I doubt it.
For your information, Bartenbach's wife is the local chairwoman of the Trick-or-Treat for UNICEF Committee.
She is? Well, that's great.
Samantha happens to be doing a lot of work for that committee.
Sam was doing a great deal of work for that committee.
She just quit.
Bartenbach called me to tell me about it.
- And he didn't sound pleased.
- Well, now, wait a minute, Larry.
I have to admit, Darrin, I'm surprised.
To think that Sam would turn her back on a great cause like this.
All those hungry little kids.
Well, I'm sure Samantha had a good reason.
And I think I know what it is.
Never mind a reason, what about our client? We stand to lose one of the biggest accounts we've ever had.
Now, just a minute, Larry.
All right.
I'm sure Sam has a good reason for what she did.
I would suggest you find out what it is and do something about it.
How was I supposed to know that Mr Bartenbach's wife was the head of the committee? Sam, you know it doesn't matter to me about Bartenbach.
I'm not worried about losing a client.
I'm only concerned that you understand you cannot fight my battles for me.
- But - Especially my battles with your mother.
- It doesn't matter what Endora does to me.
- It does to me.
And I think, in the case of Halloween, Mother's point of view should be respected.
You, Tabitha and I are going trick-or-treating.
Millions of hungry children are more important than one stubborn witch.
Oh, boy.
- Now, Mother - Never mind, Samantha.
Dobbin is absolutely right.
Millions of hungry children are more important.
And I am a stubborn witch.
All right, Samantha, I'm ready to go trick-or-treating.
Come on.
Here we go.
That's it.
Hi, Tabitha, I bet you don't know who I am.
Yes, I do, Tommy, you're Batman.
Tabitha.
Tabitha, did I scare you? Don't be silly, Bobby.
I know you're not really a ghost.
Come on, Mommy, let's try the next house.
No, sweetheart, I think we ought to wait till your father catches up.
- Tabitha, did you see what I saw? - What? What? There's a real witch down the street.
Now I know what's keeping your father so long.
Trick or treat.
Hello.
Here's something for you and something for you.
One for you, and there's one for you.
And one for you, and who's your big friend? Better watch out.
He's a real witch.
- Happy Halloween.
- Yes.
Now wait a minute, and I'll get the money for UNICEF, okay? Now let's fill all the boxes up with the money, huh? - There's one for you and one for you.
- Give me one.
And one for the big bad witch.
The big bad witch thanks you.
- Come on, kids.
- Bye-bye.
Have fun.
Golly.
I wish we had a real witch to go trick-or-treating with us every Halloween.
That's no witch.
That's my daddy.
Did you make that costume, too, Mrs Stephens? No.
No, Tabitha's grandmother made this one.
- How are you holding up, sweetheart? - I've never had it so bad.
But UNICEF has never had it so good.
Well, Mr and Mrs Stephens, your group has collected more than any individual group from this neighbourhood in the history of UNICEF.
Good.
Well, thank you, Mrs Townsend.
It must be the authentic costume.
That did it.
That did it.
Tabitha, come on, let's get some cookies.
Excuse me, Michael.
Here we go.
Mr Stephens, you're the talk of the neighbourhood.
I can't get over how real your costume is.
I mean, it looks like if I pulled your hair, it would really hurt.
- It would, it would.
- Mother stuck it on with glue.
And that outfit's giving me an idea.
Imagine a picture of an ugly old crone of a witch and underneath it the caption, "Don't look like a witch.
Use Bartenbach dental cream, "hair tonic, skin lotion, wart remover.
" Harold, I love it.
Well, Stephens, tell me how you love it.
Mr Bartenbach, I'm not sure that you'd want I'm sure, Stephens, and we'll get things under way first thing in the morning at your office.
Well, I don't think I'll be coming in to the office tomorrow.
I've had a rather strenuous evening.
Right.
I'll pick up Tate, and we'll meet at your home.
You do look tired.
Poopsie, I've come up with another great idea.
And we owe it all to Mother.
"Mr Darrin Stephens, trick-or-treating in an authentic witch costume, "proclaimed neighbourhood Father of the Month "as his group collects record amount for UNICEF.
" I just wish I could take off my authentic costume between Halloweens.
- Have you been trying to get your mother? - All morning.
Mother, you have to do something about Darrin.
"I could change him into a pumpkin.
Love, Mummy.
" Halloween is over, Mummy.
Can't you forget it? No.
Mother, you don't realise what you're doing.
I know very well what I'm doing, and I intend to go right on doing it.
Do you realise that you have given the witch's image that we hate more publicity than it's had since the Salem trials? Samantha, if you think you're going to make me back down that easily - That's probably Larry.
- Darrin, wait a minute.
Haven't you always said that you like to base your campaigns on positive rather than negative concepts? - Yes.
- Well, then.
How about Glinda, the Good Witch of the North? Who? Glinda, the Good Witch of the North.
Of course.
You're the best witch a man ever had.
- Mother? - Samantha, you win.
- I'm bored with all this trivia.
- Good.
- Hi, Larry, Mr Bartenbach.
- Stephens.
Darrin? Didn't I just see Robin Hood? Well, if you did, you haven't been taking your liver pills.
Well, come on in, gentlemen.
I've been thinking about Mr Bartenbach's campaign, and I decided we should get away from the stereotyped witch.
I mean, well, who's to say that witches really look like I did last night? Who's to say they don't? Everyone knows witches have hooked noses, warts and blacked out teeth.
Frankly, Mr Bartenbach, you don't know what you're talking about.
- Look, fella, I don't like being insulted.
- Neither do witches.
Well, I mean They've got feelings, too.
This witch thing's got him freaked out.
- You're afraid of offending a witch? - Now hear me out.
The old-fashioned witch image is okay for kids, but kids don't do the buying.
We should use as an image a beautiful witch like Well, like Glinda.
- Who? - Who? Glinda, the Good Witch of the North.
- Good Witch of the North.
- And he doesn't want to offend her.
Gentlemen, may I present the alternate concept, Glinda, the Good Witch of the North.
- Hi, Sam.
- Hi, Larry.
- Mr Bartenbach.
- Hi, Mrs Stephens.
Sam kindly offered to demonstrate.
Darrin, who made you an authority on witches? It's instinct.
Mr Bartenbach, wouldn't you prefer your product to be associated with this image? Mr Bartenbach's already made up his mind, Darrin.
The caption reads, "To look like Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, "use Bartenbach products.
" - Darrin, you've got to be crazy.
- I like it.
Crazy to come up with such a fantastically good idea.
I don't know where you get your instincts, but I hope you never lose them.
Me too.