Big Mouth (2017) s06e07 Episode Script

1
[bell tolls]
[enchanting music plays]
[Lola sighs] Heavy sigh.
Life has been oh so lonely
ever since the Knights of St. Joseph,
AKA my pubes, died
by execution
ordered by moi.
-[trumpets sound]
-Hark. Be that fanfare in the distance?
Oh, medieval G.
My pubies are back.
Yes, my lady. We have returned.
And we're not even mad at you
for beheading us in the village square.
Honestly, every other man in my life
has, like, abandoned me,
but you guys, you came back.
[gasps] This calls for a feast.
And not just any feast.
A jubilant feast.
When me and the gang
Get together for a celebration ♪
Well, we don't need loser friends
Or fancy decorations ♪
'Cause there's only one way
To quell my party lust ♪
I need savory sludge in a prefab crust ♪
Gimme pepperoni ♪
-Philly steak ♪
-Ham and cheese ♪
Chicken and cheddar ♪
It's a Hot Pocket party, babe
I never wanna leave ♪
Hot party, Hot Pocket party ♪
Gonna snack away
All my stress and strife ♪
-Fill the hole in my tummy ♪
-And the hole in your life ♪
We'll have a Hot Pocket party ♪
Lolapalooza tonight ♪
Hot party, Hot Pocket party ♪
The microwave's a-rockin' ♪
Hear it hum and sing ♪
Gonna pounce like a panther
When I hear that ding ♪
Rip that steamy little morsel
From its paper plate ♪
Gotta shove it in my gullet
'Cause I just can't wait ♪
It's a Hot Pocket ♪
[screams]
[gags] Fuck! My fucking mouth!
[groans]
I'm going through changes ♪
I'm going through changes ♪
Oh, in my life ♪
Oh, ooh, ooh ♪
Pancakes, eh? That's a girlie breakfast.
Uh, how so?
They're round and soft,
just like you,
you doughy little short-stack fuck.
Seamus, listen up.
Elliot has something
he'd like to tell you.
Yes. What I'd like to say is,
um, I love you
more than the sun loves the sky.
That's not it, Elliot.
Tell them what we discussed.
Father, this weekend, the boys and I
are gonna help you clean out your house,
so we can sell it.
The hell you are.
We'll use the money to set you up
in a very nice assisted-living community.
An old-age home? Fuck you!
Why do I have to go?
I'm not, like, a What is it?
Like, a mover or whatever they're called.
You have to help
because you got us into this mess.
And you need to move out
because you spit on the carpet,
you scream in your sleep,
for some reason, you bit our mailman.
He knows what he did.
And the stress of having you here
has been so overwhelming,
I can't even eat my favorite meal,
Diane's vagina.
Oh, Jesus, Dad.
So, that's it, eh?
You're gonna dump me in some morgue
just because your wife says so.
I happen to agree with Diane. Always.
Uh, just grow a vagina
and eat your own pussy, Elliot.
[laughs]
Sorry, not funny.
To say the roof of my mouth
was sloughing off in sheets
would be the understatement
of the century.
The Hot Pocket, my friends,
was simply too hot.
Objection. They're supposed to be hot.
It's right in the name.
-Not that hot.
-Overruled.
Miss Skumpy,
where were your parents
when this horrible injury occurred?
Well, I have no dad,
and my mom is both a groupie
and a workaholic,
so she was on the road as per uzhe.
Her parole officer, Rodney,
rushed me to the mouth hospital.
But let the record show
that Rodney's car absolutely stunk.
That's my bad, Your Honor.
A squirrel passed away in my trunk.
Noted. Miss Skumpy,
your life sounds very lonely.
Would you care to sing about it?
Well, if it, like, pleases the court
[chuckles]
[breathes deeply]
I wake up to a cold, empty condo ♪
Fill the deafening silence ♪
With voices on TV ♪
Take an Uber-X to school ♪
Force a smile and play it cool ♪
But basically, it sucks being me ♪
Mom's postcards
Show a life of grand adventure ♪
Hoobastanking 'round the country
Happy and free ♪
While I'm stuck home alone and sulking ♪
Like a sad Macaulay Culkin ♪
What I'm saying is it sucks ♪
Being me ♪
Your Honor, it sucks hard ♪
Being me ♪
[weeping] I've heard enough.
In the case
of Ugfuglio Skumpy v. Hot Pockets,
the court rules in favor of Miss Skumpy.
[cameras clicking]
[gasps] Holy molten cheese bites.
I'm gonna be a bazillionaire.
Ah.
-Uh, hey, guys.
-Hey there, sweetie.
Namaste a while.
Actually, downward-facing Dad,
I was wondering if maybe you'd take me
to a daddy-daughter dance this weekend?
Ooh, a dance?
There's gonna be someone there
that I'd like you to meet.
Oh, it sounds like a boy. A mother knows.
His name is Elijah.
Well, this Elijah better watch out
'cause Big Papa Cyrus
can get pretty darn tough.
Oh, I love it
when you call yourself Big Papa.
Great. It's this weekend
at the Fountain of Life Church.
-[Monica] Oh!
-What? A church?
But you know how your mother and I
feel about organized religion.
I do, but
Anthropologically, it has done
so much harm in the world.
But this will be fun.
We'll eat pizza and shake our booties.
And I really want you to meet Elijah.
Please?
Well, when you put it like that,
I guess I can only say, "Vinyasireebob."
[chuckles] Aw, Dad,
you're you're my favorite comedian.
Now that I'm rich,
I think I'll get a private plane
so I don't have to ride around
in your stank-ass car anymore, Rodney.
Have you, uh, thought about putting
some money aside for college?
I already graduated
from the School of Hard Knocks.
-And, honey, I was the salutatorian.
-[knocking on door]
OMG, you guys.
It's really her.
Who in the world are you three?
We are
Bros 4 Life! ♪
Uh, come again?
You know, the famous post-9/11 boy band?
-[pop music plays]
Bros 4 Life! ♪
We saw you on TV, sweetie,
serving up that hot, cheesy justice.
And we just knew
you had to be Cookie Skumpy's daughter.
We knew your mom back in the day.
I mean, bad timing with that crow
flying in front of her face.
Oh, I'd recognize
her signature Bumpit anywhere.
That's my mom.
Yep. And ready for an absolute slay?
One of us is literally your dad.
Wait, what? Like, how?
It was a summertime tour some years ago
At the tip top of our game ♪
We were hot young bros
Doin' sold-out shows ♪
-Had money, fans, and fame ♪
-Whoa ♪
And each one of us remembers well
One stand-out devotee ♪
'Cause she was hot and fun ♪
And the only one
Who ever got with us all three ♪
Her name was Cookie Skumpy
She was passionate and wild ♪
And exactly nine months later
She gave birth to a child ♪
So what we're trying to tell ya is ♪
Girl, we got with your mom ♪
When we were
Reckless, horny, and young ♪
Didn't use no condom ♪
Girl, your mom was the bomb ♪
And you're the baby-daddy baby
Of Bros 4 Life, yeah ♪
Ooh, girl ♪
I was waxing my chest in my hotel room
When a knock came at the door ♪
It was Cookie
In a counterfeit housekeeper suit ♪
-And she pinned me on the floor ♪
-Oh ♪
She snuck on the tour bus in L.A.
Stowed away inside my bunk ♪
By the time we got to San Jose
She was grindin' on my junk ♪
Our manager was a bit concerned
I was coming off a little fey ♪
But your mom was there
For a quick affair ♪
To kill the rumors I was gay ♪
Girl, we got with your mom ♪
When we were famous, pretty, and dumb ♪
We used the pull-out method, baby ♪
Girl, your mom was the bomb ♪
And you're the baby-daddy baby
Of Bros 4 Life, yeah ♪
Bros 4 Life! ♪
-[panting]
-Holy Joe Paternity.
My whole life
I've wondered who my dad could be.
But now I've got dads-a-plenty.
I don't know, Lols.
It's kinda fishy
that these strange individuals
showed up right after the news said
you're gonna be rich. You know?
We must've heard
totally different songs, Rodney,
because I am 100% on board.
Bring it in, Dads.
-You got it, Lola.
-This rocks.
Ooh, you're
a really strong hugger, sweetie.
Oh.
[bell rings]
[sighs] I'm so psyched
your dad's coming to the dance.
I heard last year was nuts.
They had grape soda and orange.
[chuckles] Wow.
I bet someone mixed them together
in the same cup and was like [gurgles]
[laughing]
[Lola] Oh, snap, a daddy-daughter dance?
How apropos
of my recent life developments.
Oh, hey, Missy. How many dads do you have?
-Uh, one?
-[chuckles] Pathetic.
I have three. Get ready
to be brutally upstaged by yours truly.
Ooh, Jessi, you and your dad should come.
"Fountain of Life Church"?
Yeah, there's gonna be
a Christian caricature artist.
He'll draw you up on the cross,
and holding a basketball if you want.
Hold on.
Is this, like, one of those purity balls?
What? No, it's just a dance.
Actually, Missy, there is
a kind of abstinence component.
-There it is.
-What?
The dads take this vow, or whatever,
to protect their daughters' virtue.
-[Missy] Oh.
-Okay, this dance is ridiculous, right?
Yeah, and pointless.
You can't stop kids from fucking.
Mama, what's "fucking"?
Okay, Montel. When two creatures
love each other very much,
or find themselves
in the same airport bathroom,
they'll rub together
any gooey parts they got
till everyone feels fantastic.
Well, I feel up to speed.
Great, now let's move on to fisting.
Let's.
So, you're really gonna dump
your old man into a death camp?
Dad, I told Diane we're doing this,
so we're doing it.
Oh, sugar,
I left my moving gloves in my closet.
Nicky, would you be a dear and grab them?
I know my way around your closet,
Dr. Birch. Allow me.
Ho, ho, the cave of wonders.
Shall we snoop?
-Ooh.
-[Maury] Yes.
What is a "Peenie Prison"?
I am scared and aroused,
the chocolate and peanut butter
of feelings.
"The Peenie Prison is a Bluetooth-enabled
male chastity device."
-What?
-Oh, okay.
So you stick
your fat little piggy in there
and lock it away so you can't get hard.
Why would anyone want that?
Oh, Andrew, it can be very erotic
to relinquish control of your schwang
to somebody else.
My submissive dick
absolutely lives for that shit.
You wanna put on a pair of high heels
and step on me, Daddy?
-Yeah, bitch.
-Andrew, focus.
I mean, clearly, I should try on
my friend's dad's genital torture device,
right?
Yeah, just for a second.
Wiping it off
It says the size is "Virginia Slim,"
but you're more of a "Minnesota Meatball."
I think if I just kind of fold it
[grunts]
I'm in. Oh!
-This feels naughty, Maury.
-[device locks]
Oh no, the Peenie Prison's engaged.
You're locked in
with no possibility for parole.
Oh, and why is this sudden panic
making me hard?
-Andrew, sweetie, time to go.
-Oh God.
-What do I do, Maury?
-I think you just gotta do your time, bud.
And that's why we're called Bros 4 Life.
Because we knew we'd always be friends,
but we're also vehemently anti-abortion.
And thank American God
your mom didn't abort you.
Oh, contented sigh.
I love having all three of you as my dad.
-Oh, for realsie-ba-deelsies?
-Of course.
When you three showed up,
it was, like,
the moment my life actually started.
Oh, just like in our song.
Life starts ♪
When your dad finishes ♪
Fetuses should be allowed to drive ♪
Oh my God,
I love that your music has a message.
Ew, Rodney, what are you doing here?
Well, Lols, I ran a background check
on Bros 4 Life and
You what?
I think we should conduct
a proper DNA test.
I don't know if any of these hunks
is your real dad.
Not only is one of them my dad,
as far as I'm concerned, they all are.
Your Majesty,
Sir Rodney only wants the best for you.
Though his leather jacket is fake,
his heart is true.
Enough!
Rodney, it's that moment
in every single girl's life
when she must look
her mother's parole officer in the eye
and say, "I have three dads.
I do not need you anymore."
But, Lola, I
Rodney, sashay away.
[sighs]
My days are filled
With joyless interactions ♪
Just probate clerks
Ex-cons and parolees ♪
Do their check-ins, then they leave ♪
They never stick around
Just to shoot the breeze ♪
I got nobody ♪
Checking in on me ♪
But I'll be standing
In your hallway, Lola ♪
Until you open the door to your heart ♪
To me ♪
Rodney, no lamenting in the hallway.
[sighs]
My bad, Lols.
Aye, home sweet home.
Sick. I was promised squalor
and squalor was delivered.
[chuckles] Oh God, Andrew, I can hear
your dick's pulse from a mile away.
Yeah, asshole, this torture device
is crushing my ample hog.
And my nuts, Maury,
they've taken the top bunk.
Well, maybe there's a toolbox
somewhere in this godforsaken shithole.
Oh, good call.
Uh, if you gentlemen will excuse me,
I've got a bathroom emergency.
-Feces style.
-Again?
Well, thanks for the ride home,
Princess Pussy-whipped.
I'm sorry. What are you doing?
Making myself comfortable,
'cause I'm not going anywhere.
You can't live here anymore.
This place should be condemned.
Now get up.
There's a lot of improvised toilets
to sort through.
You want me to get up,
you're gonna have to make me.
Do it, Dad. Make him.
Yeah, he's like a million years old.
You might actually be able to take him.
No. In this family,
we use our hearts, not our fists.
Fuck your prissy heart.
'Cause I'm not rotting away
in some old folks home.
Now go fetch the shitting boy
and get the fuck outta my house.
[dance music plays]
DJ Pendejo's in the house. God's house.
Pew, pew, pew!
I'm very scared of God.
Nice to meet you, Mr. Foreman-Greenwald.
I've heard a lot about you.
Well, then, pop quiz, hotshot.
What's my favorite color?
Dad.
Clementine. Not orange, but clementine.
Very impressive, young man.
Double doors.
Arriving, scanning,
judging
You're the hottest daughter here by far,
Lola, and I've really been looking.
Also, everyone else's
dad-to-daughter ratio
is like commonplace AF, hunty.
No kidding. I almost feel bad for them.
But if I'm being honest,
all I really feel is amazing
for me.
I got dads, dads, dads ♪
Coming outta my ass ♪
She's got a shitload of papas ♪
That old dad-less loser Lola
Is a thing of the past ♪
Can't nobody stop us ♪
I'm every orphan's wildest dream ♪
Just a-shittin' out pops
Like a soda machine ♪
All you one-dad chumps
Can kiss their six sweet nads ♪
'Cause I got dads ♪
Dads up the wazoo ♪
She got dads ♪
So many more dads than you ♪
So many dads ♪
My mom put out like a whore ♪
That girl got dads ♪
Gave me a family of four ♪
Me and my ♪
[grunting rhythmically]
Dads ♪
[Maury] Here, use these pliers.
Get a good grip
on the Peenie Prison and twist.
Ow! Fuck. It's really on there.
Ooh, maybe loosen it up,
you know, like a pickle jar?
Oh! I felt that one in my guts.
Hey, shitting boy,
I'm supposed to fetch you.
-Hey. No. Don't come in here.
-Whoa.
-Nick.
-What the fuck are you doing?
It's actually
a very charming and relatable story.
Dad, you lock your dick up
in a little box that only Mom can open?
Well, not a box exactly.
It's a Bluetooth-enabled device
I wear sometimes
when your mother and I
engage in sensual play.
Oh, this is a new low.
Maybe if your dick wasn't locked up,
you'd be able to satisfy your wife.
Hey, you're the reason
I can't satisfy my wife.
It's been six-and-a-half days
since I've feasted upon her essence.
-Ooh.
-Ew, Dad!
I've never even gone two days before.
Not when I had strep throat.
Not when I was
on a business trip in Seattle.
I flew home every 48 hours
to dine upon Diane.
Shut up, shut up, shut up
about Mom's vagina!
God, my caged cock is quaking.
So, you let the woman
lock up your pathetic little prick, eh?
No wonder she's such a ball-busting hag.
What did you just say?
I said your wife's a bitch.
Diane is God.
Holy shit. Dad, you punched Grandpa.
I love you, Dad.
Oh my God. What have I done?
Father, are you okay?
-Well, look at you.
-Here.
William Wallace MacGregor,
welcome home, son.
[chuckles]
-[dance music plays]
-Go, Cyrus. Go, Cyrus. Go, Cyrus, go!
Whoa, I did not see
that no-hands cartwheel coming.
Yeah, that's new.
He's been working on that.
This is the best night
of my already storied
and very fascinating life.
-Us too, sweetie.
-Yeah.
Even if you weren't about to get
a truckload of money from your lawsuit,
we'd still be super psyched
to be your dads.
Well, Dads, that is marvelous news,
because there is no truckload
of money coming.
-What?
-What do you mean?
Well, because I decided
to get my settlement
Pausing for dramatic effect.
in Hot Pockets instead. Yay.
You idiot.
How could you fuck us over like this?
Bye, Felicia.
Wait, what?
Dads, why are you saying these things?
Because we're not your real dads, stupid.
We just wanted your money.
Yeah, it was gonna pay
for Bros 4 Life's big comeback.
We already bought
queen-size bunk beds for the loft.
But I thought we were a family.
What about that yarn
that you spun through song?
Uh, it was bullshit.
I couldn't have gotten your mom pregnant.
We only did it in the butt,
Christian-style.
Yeah, and I was castrated in high school
so I could
Hit those high notes, baby, yeah ♪
And your mom
only gave me a hand job while I wept.
#BornThisWay.
Wait. Don't go. Please.
Girl, we didn't get with your mom ♪
And our love was just part of the con ♪
Well, I hate that
that's gonna be stuck in my head now.
All right, everybody,
God's boyfriend has an announcement now.
What's up, party people?
I know we're having a blast,
but we're here tonight
for a very special reason.
-Whoop, whoop!
-Sacred vows.
That's right, Richard and Richard.
Time for all the dads in the house
to take the purity pledge.
Do what now?
Dad, please don't make
a big deal out of this.
Dearest daughter, on this day,
in front of God,
-I do solemnly swear
-What? No, no, no, no.
to protect your virginity.
No! Stop it! What are you all doing?
They're just promising God
their daughters won't have S-E-X.
But our daughters aren't helpless objects
that we need to protect
from their own sexuality.
Dad.
They're capable
of making their own choices.
Thank you. Now be quiet.
This is exactly why
I didn't wanna take you to church.
Shout-out to Hozier.
Organized religion
is built around subjugating women.
That's not true.
Christianity's about good works
and community.
Yeah, and loving one another.
You shut your mouth, you little gentleman.
Okay, Dad, you're embarrassing me
in front of my friends.
Well, I don't like Kirk Cameron over here
dragging you into this church nonsense.
Piety? Abstinence? He is a bad influence.
Well, you're a closed-minded elitist.
And I wish I'd never invited you
to this dance.
-[cries]
-Missy, wait.
Hey, Richard, congratulations
on marrying your daughter.
Is she, uh, taking your last name
or can I have it?
-[laughing]
-Oh man, what a day.
You really scrambled my eggs, Willy boy.
Dad, what's wrong with your hand?
I punched my father in the face.
-You did what?
-It was awesome.
Dad fucking decked him, and then Grandpa
got up and cleaned the house.
Look at that hole,
black as the ace of spades.
Oh my God.
And I've made a decision.
My father's not moving
into assisted living.
He's staying here with us, permanently.
-Wait, hold on, what?
-I've abandoned him once.
[Scottish accent] I won't do it again.
Excuse me, Elliot, that's not
how we make decisions in this house.
-I wasn't finished, Diane.
-Oh.
Now you march
your beautiful body up those stairs,
because goddamn it, it's time to eat.
Well, okay. I mean, if you say so.
Mom, are you serious?
Leah, we'll deal with your father's
upsetting new personality later.
-Um, Mrs. Birch?
-What, Andrew? What the fuck do you want?
Yeah, I was wondering if you could unlock
your husband's Peenie Prison,
which happens to be on my peenie.
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
-[device unlocks]
Oh! Ooh!
Oh, my weenus can finally breathe.
Get the fuck out of our house.
Yeah, I know.
Okay, I'll see you at school, Nick.
Missy, uh, there you are.
Let's just go home already, okay?
You've made your stupid point.
Listen, I am sorry
I made a scene in there,
but it feels like you just keep changing
in ways that aren't like you.
No, I'm changing in ways
that aren't like you.
You said girls should be allowed
to make their own choices,
so why doesn't that include me?
Well, I guess
if you wanna serve the community
and spend your time with a polite boy
who will never pressure you
into having sex,
I'm just gonna have
to learn to live with that.
Thanks, Dad.
And if anything,
I'm gonna pressure him, so
I'm sorry, what was that?
[sighs] At least I went for the lump sum.
But sigh.
The heat of this gargantuan Hot Pocket
is the only warmth I deserve.
-[knocking on door]
-Whoever could that be?
More swindlers to re-break
my already very much broken heart?
Hey, Lols. I heard about what happened.
Go ahead. Say, "I told you so."
Lord knows I would.
Nah, nah, I came to say I'm sorry.
You deserve better.
Whatever, Rodney.
Your car deserves to smell better.
Beat it.
As you wish.
Your Highness, don't let him leave.
Sir Rodney is a man of valor.
Your most loyal subject.
Absorbing, deciding,
completing emotional arc.
Rodney, wait.
I've been taking you for Hugh Granted.
What are you saying, Lols?
I'm saying, I'm just a girl,
standing in front
of her mother's parole officer,
asking him to be her chosen father figure.
Oh, Lola, I feel like
I just got my car detailed.
What do we do now, my chosen daughter?
Obviously, we're gonna sing another song,
you bona fide bozo.
Pay attention. Jesus, Rodney.
I got two gay pubes
To comfort me when I'm lonely ♪
And a kindly loser
Desperate to be my dad ♪
And I'm certain every dude I know ♪
Secretly wants to bone me ♪
Compared to mine
Your lives must be totally sad ♪
'Cause I'm fucking Lola ♪
She's fucking Lola ♪
I'm a powerhouse dynamo ♪
So fucking Lola ♪
So fucking Lola ♪
I'm the breakout star of the show ♪
-She won't ask to be forgiven ♪
-Huh-uh.
We don't expect an apology ♪
No way ♪
I'm just crassly, brashly
Unabashedly me ♪
[chorus] Who's her own biggest fan? ♪
Lola.
[chorus] Who's no one louder than? ♪
Lola.
[chorus]
Who's the chick voiced by a man? ♪
That's me.
-I'm fucking Lola ♪
-She's fucking Lola ♪
I'm a champion, I'm a goddess ♪
-I'm fucking Lola ♪
-So fucking Lola ♪
I'm the baddest, raddest, hottest ♪
Bow down before your queen ♪
Oh.
[pop music continues]