Dad's Army (1968) s06e07 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? How are they feeling now, Mr Mainwaring? Well, they're throbbing a little from time to time, nurse.
-But I'm grinning and bearing it.
-Well, we've got a visitor to cheer you up.
Not Mrs Mainwaring? No, it's two gentlemen.
You can come in now.
He is quite respectable.
-Can I do you now, sir? -Come in, Jones.
-Hello, Wilson.
-Hello, sir.
-You can stay until the bell goes.
-Oh, that's very sweet of you.
-And thank you so much for showing us the way.
-Well, that's quite all right, sir.
I must say, that uniform really does suit you awfully well.
-Thank you, sir.
-Thank you, nurse.
I think it's the belt, that little belt you're wearing.
Yes, it makes your It makes your waist look absolutely tiny.
That will be all, nurse.
Thank you.
They have work to do, you know? Tending the sick.
They don't just stand around listening to all this Ronald Colman stuff.
-I brought these for you, sir.
-How very kind, Jones.
Make yourselves at home.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you very much indeed.
Sir? -Sit down, Jones.
Down here.
-Thank you very much.
Sorry.
Hitler is not going to catch you bending, is he, sir? That's right, Jones.
I've had to hide it from matron, though.
Let's see, what have we got here? Great Scott! Grapes.
I haven't tasted a grape -since 1 939.
-Yes.
Well, they're not real grapes, sir.
We, we we impersonated them from electric light wires and shaved gooseberries.
I see what you mean.
Yeah.
We had a bit of trouble from the fur on the gooseberries, but Mr Frazer, he found a very fine bit of glass paper, what he uses to finish off his ten-guinea coffins and that seemed to work.
Yes, well, it was a very kind thought.
As a matter of fact, I have received some fruit from Mrs Mainwaring.
-Really? Well, is this it? -Yes, that's it.
How nice.
Yes.
It says, ''Get well soon.
'' -There's something on the back too.
-Is there? Yeah.
''The Anderson shelter is leaking again.
'' Yes, it'll just have to wait till I get home, I'm afraid.
Tell me, sir, how was the operation? Now I want to talk to you about that, Wilson.
In private.
I wonder if you would mind popping out for a moment, Jones.
Who? Me, sir? Yes.
I've got something personal I want to say to Sergeant Wilson.
Yes, yes.
Right, sir.
I understand, sir.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
-I asked Jones to leave because -I'll just be outside, you see, sir.
I'll be just without of earshot, right, sir? -Yes, thank you.
-Thank you, sir.
I asked Jones to leave because I think you ought to see my feet.
Why? Because I want you to understand every single implication of this whole affair.
Oh, I see.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
My Oh, my dear.
How awful.
Now, it's my contention that that condition has been brought about by active service.
What? You mean ingrowing toenails? Not a shadow of a doubt.
It's all those long hours of duty.
They'll never be the same again, you know.
Are you going to try and get a disablement pension? No, no, no.
Nothing like that.
But I'm convinced that that's being caused by all the standing about that I do.
Yeah.
I suppose you do quite a lot of sitting about as well, don't you? I mean, have you had any trouble down there? You know, there's a certain coarse streak in you, Wilson.
-I expect you picked it up at that public school.
-I'm awfully sorry, sir.
I'm merely alerting you to my condition so that you can be on guard against it for yourself and on behalf of our troops.
I shall be very, very careful, sir.
-All right.
Well, I shan't mention it again.
-All right, sir.
-You can come in now, Jones.
-I never heard a word, sir.
I'm very glad to see our chaps are doing so well in the desert.
Yes.
Those Eyeties are no match for Tommy Atkins, eh, Jones? You're right there, sir.
It's 'cause we keep going in with the old, cold steel a lot, you see, sir.
No, them wops, they're not used to it, sir.
Well, not many people can get used to it, really.
Not surprising, is it? You've got a great big grenadier guardsman going Very few people can stomach that sort of thing, can they? No.
Never mind that.
-How's the platoon? -They're getting on swimmingly, sir.
-Really? -Yes, yes.
Miss you, of course.
Yes.
Well, they're bound to do that, of course.
But, unfortunately, I think I'm going to be trapped here for another four days.
Don't you fret yourself, Mr Mainwaring.
Mr Wilson here has been making us carry on as if you were there like an invisible presence, with us like a guiding star.
Only he don't use bull as much as you do.
I'm not in favour of bull.
Anyone will tell you that.
But are you maintaining discipline? Yes, sir, I think I'm keeping discipline very well.
In myin my style.
Yes.
Well, I hope to goodness you are.
There's only one way to run an army, you know, Wilson.
You must have obedience.
Instant, unthinking obedience.
(All arguing at once) Please, please, please.
For heaven's sake -Just one at a time.
-PIKE: One at a time, yes.
I'm sorry, Mr Wilson.
But I really feel that you did the wrong thing.
Yeah.
But I do wish you'd stop nagging at me all the time.
I've got the most dreadful headache coming on.
The whole idea is doomed.
Doomed from the start.
I tell you.
You cannae have vicars in the army.
They won't mix.
It's like oil and vinegar.
Makes very good salad dressing.
-What? -Oil and vinegar.
Providing you put the oil in first.
Or is it the vinegar? I'm not talking about salad dressing.
I'm simply saying that when young Arthur here let the vicar join our platoon, he made an idiot of himself, didn't you, son? Go on, admit it! -Admit it! Admit it! -What else could I do? I mean the whole story is here, in the papers.
Hundreds of clergymen are joining up.
That'swhatever.
And mark my words, yon verger, he's a Jonah.
He has a face like a sour prune.
I don't think this would have happened if Mr Mainwaring had been here.
Well, he's not here, is he? He's not going to be here for two or three days.
-I do wish you'd stop going on at me all the time.
-You leave Uncle Arthur alone.
He did all right.
-It's all right.
Very nice.
-Vicars can be very useful.
-Look at Spencer Tracy.
-Frank, please.
James Cagney was about to go to the chair and Spencer Tracy asked him if he'd die like a coward.
So that the Dead End Kids wouldn't think that he was an hero.
So he went to the chair all shouting and screaming, carrying on something awful.
-He died all yellow.
-Wasn't that Charlie Chang? Oh, Godfrey! When we was with Lord Kitchener we had a real nice padre with us.
Yes, a good one.
He was a hard man, you know, Lord Kitchener.
Always cursing and swearing.
And this padre, he was always begging and praying him to turn away from his evil habits.
Anyway, the night before the Battle of Omdurman, he lined us all up and he gave Lord Kitchener and all the rest of us a drumhead service.
Yes.
And the next day, just before the battle was due to commence, Lord Kitchener grabbed hold of his binoculars and he saw on the horizon, ''Oh, my God,'' he said.
And the padre was all smiles 'cause he thought he'd done a good job on him.
All right, all right.
It's no good going on and on and on about it, I mean, it's all done.
-And it's very nearly half past.
-What? There you are, you see.
It's very naughty of you, keeping me chattering away here.
-PIKE: Parade.
-We ought to be on parade or something like that.
Now come along all of you.
Quick as you can.
Come on.
Oh, dear.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
The confirmation class went on and on and on.
-Have I missed anything? -No, it's perfectly all right.
-We're just going to start the parade now.
-How very exciting.
-You left your belt in the vestry, Your Reverence.
-Yes.
Silly me.
All right.
Now that you're both here we can start.
Now come along, quick as you can.
Goody-goody.
-Private Yeatman.
Hat.
-WILSON: All right.
Come on, you two.
You stand at the end there and just watch what the others do.
And try and follow them.
All right? Right, platoon, properly at ease everywhere.
Come along, please.
Come on properly at ease, platoon.
Platoon, attention! At ease.
Yes.
It wasn't awfully good, was it? The thing is to try and get it all together.
So try it again, shall we? All right, pay attention now, platoon.
Properly at ease, platoon.
Attention! Stand at ease.
Yes, yes.
That's quite a lot better.
Oh, no, it wasn't.
It was a shambles.
Hop-a-long Cassidy.
You know, we weren't expecting you for two or three days.
Obviously.
They needed the beds for more urgent cases.
So I discharged myself.
By the looks of things it's just as well I did.
Very nice to see you back in the saddle, sir.
-Thank you, Jones.
-Even though you're a bit dodgy on the pins.
-I think I'd better inspect the men.
-All right, sir.
Squad.
Squad! -Squad -Wilson.
Wilson.
-Stand further away from my feet.
-I'm sorry, sir.
Over there.
I really beg your pardon.
I'm so sorry, sir.
Right.
Squad! Squad.
Attention! Very smart, Jones.
As usual.
Thank you, sir.
I always try to keep myself smart and on the alert.
And although I'm talking to you at the moment, my eyes are darting hither and thither everywhere.
Always ready to see if there's any danger lurking.
And if I detect even the smallest bit of peril I'm onto it even before you can say (Pike yelling) Get him off! Get him off! Jones! Jonesput him down.
-There.
-And pick that up.
Yes, sir.
Wellwell hehe moved and I detected him.
Mr Mainwaring, can I stand next to someone else, please? Stay where you are, Pike.
-What's this? -It's a violin case.
How dare you bring a violin on parade.
-Take this man's name, Wilson.
-All right, sir.
Stand away from my feet.
-Further.
-I'm so sorry.
I beg your pardon.
-I'm sorry, sir.
-Mr Mainwaring, I haven't got a violin in it.
I've got a Tommy gun in it.
Like Edward G Robinson in Scarface.
-I can get it out in a minute.
-Do you know about this? (Imitating machine gun) My feet! Don't ever bring that on parade again.
See me in the office afterwards.
-Where's Walker? -He asked me to leave a note in his place.
-Pick it up, Wilson.
-Right, sir.
-''Captain Mainwaring.
Personal.
'' -Personal? -Yes.
-Give it to me.
Unusual perfume.
Petrol.
''Dear Cap, ''Thanks for letting me off.
''Had to go up to the Smoke for a few days to do a deal.
''I think I can swing it for a grand.
''But I shall have to drop the geezer a pony.
''On the other hand, I may cop it for a bit under the odds, ''in which case I'll have to sweeten him with a monkey.
''Half a bar for his nippers.
''PS: Here's a couple of oncers for yourself.
'' How dare he try to bribe me.
I'll see him in the office as soon as he comes back.
Aye, sir.
There's going to be quite a queue there, isn't it? All right, that will be enough.
Will you get away from my feet? Sorry.
So sorry, I beg your pardon.
-Good evening.
-Good What's that piece of white paper doing in your hat? Oh, er -Oh, er, yes, that's for the sun.
-The sun? Yes, you see, Sergeant Wilson won't let me wear my Panama.
My nose is very sensitive.
So I thought this is the next best thing.
-Words fail me.
-Yes.
He'd better see you in the office as well, sir.
-Well, Frazer, at least you look normal.
-Thank you, sir.
The wee mouse will be gone from the pocket by the morrow.
-The what? -The wee mouse.
I couldnae leave her all by herself, sir.
You see, she's Her bairns are due.
Ohhh Pregnant mice, nose-shields, violins I'm away for a few short hours and you let the entire unit crumble before your eyes.
What's this? I've joined your happy band.
And where His Reverence go, there goest I.
If this is some sort of a joke, it's a very bad one.
No, sir.
They asked to join up so I really saw no reason to stop them.
Better follow me.
All three of you.
Now, what is all this tomfoolery? -Don't you call His Reverence a tomfool.
-Here, you see, it's all there in the papers I've read all that rubbish.
Well, they had just asked to join up, sir, so I just signed them on.
It was quite spontaneous.
I'm rather like that, you know.
I've been wrestling with my conscience for some time.
It's been agony.
He's been wrestling night and day.
I can vouch for that.
Yes, thank you, Mr Yeatman.
Finally, I asked myself, could I stand by and watch my wife being raped by a Nazi? ''No,'' I said to myself, ''I couldn't.
'' -But you're not married.
-I have a very vivid imagination.
So with the example of all those other clergy before my eyes I knew that my place was at your side.
But I don't want you by my side.
Yes, well, I'm afraid it's too late to do anything about it now, sir.
-Are these the papers? -Yes.
I think they are, sir, yes.
I'll show you whether it's too late or not.
Don't you dare destroy His Reverence's particulars.
It won't be any help, sir.
You see, I'm afraid those are duplicates.
Right.
If that's how the land lies.
Soldiers you are and soldiers you shall be.
You'll parade with Jones' section tonight and we'll show you what army life's all about.
We shan't spare you anything, I can promise you that.
There'll be no pulpit here to lean on.
What do we care? We shall meet someday (Siren wailing in the distance) Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Squad, halt! Left turn! Private Pike, Private Vicar and Private Verger, stand fast.
The rest, enter the guard room.
Fall out.
Now you better put your tin helmets on in case a bomb drops on you.
Now listen, Private Vicar.
Private Pike and I are going to demonstrate correct proceedings for a military soldier guarding things while on sentry.
Now, first thing you've got to look out for is parachuters, and saboteurs and enemies of the realm.
If any of these should approach your person, you challenge them in the aforesaid manner.
Right.
Private Pike, you show them.
Halt! Who goes there? That was very good, that was.
-Thank you very much.
-Right.
Now you do it just like that.
Do you think we could go in now? I'm getting a bit cold.
I haven't got me muffler with me.
You don't want to bother about a muffler, boy.
You're a soldier now.
You're right.
It is a bit nippy, isn't it? It won't take a tick.
Come on now.
Youyou do what Private Pike just done.
Come on.
(Weakly) Halt! Who goes there? Well, he's not going to come from down there, is he? Can't you make your voice a bit more fiercer? You know, make it like a rough, devil-may-care, more brutal sort of person.
-I thought he did it very well.
-I'm not asking you.
-You just get Silence in the ranks.
-I'm not frightened of you, you know.
-You don't impress me at all.
-Be quiet, Mr Yeatman.
If I have any more trouble off him, he'll be on a fizzer, Section 40.
Conduct to the Military Discipline Prejudice.
Can we do the next bit now? Yes.
We'll do the next bit now.
What is the next bit? Upon being challenged with, ''Halt! Who goes there?'' the parachutist, saboteur or enemy of the realm replies, ''Friend,'' whereupon you say, ''Advance, friend, and be recognised.
'' Yeah.
You go on and do that.
Do it.
(Weakly) Advance friend, be recognised.
Well, you haven't got to be friendly like that, have you? You're asking him if he's friendly.
You don't want to be friendly yourself, do you? But supposing he advances and I don't recognise him? Well, if you don't know him, sir, he's bound to know you.
Everybody knows His Reverence and respects him.
Well, you know, it's all a little bit more complicated than that.
But you can pick it up as you go along.
And if you have any bother, you send for the guard commander.
That's me.
And if I have any trouble, or anyone shoots you, or anything like that I call out, ''Turn out the guard! Turn out the guard!'' And then we'll come out and give you a hand.
Let's go inside.
It's a bit nippy out here.
(Chuckling) Will you look at that.
Two shillings for a packet of 20 cigarettes.
Highway robbery.
I know, the world's gone mad.
I remember when I was a young man, some of us young blades decided we'd have a really good night out.
And so we went to London, saw the show at the Gaiety Theatre.
Then we had a really good slap-up supper.
Four courses with wine.
Then we all sailed home in hansom cabs.
And do you know, we still had some change left out of half a sovereign? You know, the trouble with you, Godfrey, you've always been a spendthrift.
Well, I don't think prices are too bad.
Young Pike and I went to the Rosemary Cafe in Eastgate the other day for lunch, didn't we? You know what we had? We had brown Windsor soup, we had whalemeat cutlets, we had mashed potatoes, swedes, tapioca pudding and a cup of tea.
Ninepence.
Mind you, it wasn't very good.
I was sick.
# Oft in danger, oft in woe Christian soldiers, onward go Your Reverence! Somebody is making an approach.
-Where? -Over there.
-I can just see something through the murk.
-Oh, dear.
Will you do it, or will I? Don't you worry, sir.
I'll take care of it.
-Halt! Who goes there? -What did you say? -I said, ''Halt! Who goes there?'' -Adolph.
-What did he say? -I think he said, ''Adolph.
'' -Did you say ''Adolph''? -That's right.
-Adolph who? -Adolph Hitler.
I think I think it's a cheeky young boy, sir and he's having us on.
Come here, little boy.
If you don't behave yourself properly you'll be in serious trouble for disobeying army orders.
Go on.
You're not proper soldiers.
You're an old vicar, and he's your old verger.
I'm not taking any notice of you.
I'll give you one more chance.
Say it again, Mr Yeatman.
-Halt! Who goes there? -Adolph Hitler.
Oh, dear! I think we better send for Mr Jones.
-I could clip him round the ear.
-No.
No violence.
We'll send for Mr Jones.
-Turn out the guard! Turn out the guard! -Come on, lads.
The vicar's in trouble.
JONES: Turn out the guard! Turn out the guard! Come on, boys.
Turn out the guard.
Where's the enemy, where are they? You better fix bayonets, boys Mr Jones, we said, ''Halt! Who goes there?'' just as you told us to and he positively refuses to say, ''Friend''.
-Who does? -This little boy.
For goodness sake, you didn't turn us out for him? But he's supposed to say, ''Friend.
'' You said so yourself.
I know that boy.
He's a cheeky little monkey.
He comes running into my shop when it's full of people and shouts, ''Sainsbury's.
'' He comes to our bank as well, and shouts, ''National Provincial.
'' You can't do a thing about it.
You're not proper soldiers.
Oh, aren't we? We'll soon show you.
Bring him inside.
Yeah.
You heard what the corporal said.
Get inside.
Here, he hit me! You're not supposed to do that.
-It's against the Geneva Convention.
-Yes, and so is that.
-You come in here, young fellow me lad.
-He hit me, the great big bully.
-I'll tell my Uncle Willy on you.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I want none of your backchat, son, I'm gonna talk to you in your own language.
Watch oot! Or I'll hand you over to the police! Yes.
For not compiling with lawful army things, what we're trying to tell you about.
What's going on? Why is there no guard posted? Sir, we have apprehended a suspect and we're interregorating him, sir.
-Suspect? Where is he? -Yeah.
There he is, sir.
-Well, he doesn't look very suspicious to me.
-Well, he said his name was Adolph Hitler.
I shouldn't take too much stock of that if I were you, Vicar.
-Run along, boy, and in future don't be cheeky.
-He hit me.
I want an apology.
Now go along or I'll have my sergeant put his belt around your backside.
That's how it is then? Assault, battery, threats and foul language! I'll tell my uncle.
He'll have the law on you.
-Wilson, see him off.
-I beg your pardon, sir? MAINWARING: See him off.
See him off.
I do wish you'd stop addressing me as if I were a Labrador.
-Go on, you little perisher.
-BOY: I'll tell my uncle! Now in case there's any follow-up to this incident I want a complete report from you all as soon as Sponge's section relieves you.
I was only having a little joke with them when this great big home guard skelped me across the lugs.
Go on, Hamish, go on.
-Then he did it again and they all set on me.
-What? Pushing and shoving and punching? That's right.
Then the officer, old sour-face.
-You mean Mainwaring? -That's him.
He told his sergeant to give me a whooping.
So I ran away in terror.
If there's anything that makes my blood boil, it's cruelty to innocent children.
-They was cruel.
Very cruel.
-Right, you come with me, Hamish.
I'll soon settle Mainwaring's hash.
-Are you going to fight him? -Wellwell, we'll see what happens.
Ah, sir He's a cheeky, wee devil.
He deserved a good skelping.
Thank you, Frazer.
All right.
If you've got all the details down, Wilson, I'll sign it.
And we can put it on record.
Although, from my experience in these matters, that's the last we shall hear of it.
Right, Mainwaring, get your jacket off and come outside.
What are you talking about? How dare you come barging in here? -Hamish.
Repeat what you just told me.
-That's the one, Uncle Willy.
-He hit me time and time again.
-MAINWARING: Uncle Willy? Uncle Willy? Oh And he pointed his bayonet at me! And that fat, pompous one said (Plummy accent) ''Just run along or my sergeant will put his belt across your backside.
'' Yeah, that's about your mark, isn't it, Mainwaring? Bullying little boys.
Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Come on, try having a go at me.
Come on.
Come on.
Hold my glasses, Wilson.
-All right.
Come on.
-Just a minute, sir.
Allow me, sir.
Don't you tangle with him in your crippled state.
-I'll do it for you, sir.
-No, no, Jones.
Come on.
You're too old, too old.
Here.
Come on, put them up, put them up.
-That's very nice, that is.
Eight against one.
-No, it's only seven.
I'm not feeling very well.
Right, that settles it.
I'm bringing a charge.
I'm having you all up in court.
-You'll hear a few home truths there.
-They're a laughing stock, aren't they, Uncle? Yes.
Of course, they are.
Laughing stock.
Playing at soldiers, that's all they can do.
Playing at soldiers, that's it.
And his sausages are all bread.
HODGES: Yes.
All bread.
All bread.
My sausages are not Well, you can't get the meat, you know, sir.
Tell them, Hamish.
You should hear me and my mates laugh when you come on church parade.
And his hobbling around with his Red Cross handbag.
Yes.
You and your Red Cross handbag.
-They're almost as funny as the wardens! -That's right, they're almost as What did you say? Well, you with your white hat and your flat nose and your ''left, right!'' You cheeky little whippersnapper.
You wait till I get you outside! I'll give you a flat nose! I think that's the last we've heard of that.
Although one thing is quite clear.
If you, Vicar, and you, Verger, had dealt with that matter in a proper military fashion in the first place -this occurrence would never have happened.
-I see.
It's all my fault, is it? So it's His Reverence's fault, is it? Well, as far as I'm concerned, it just goes to show how very silly the whole thing is.
I'm fed to the teeth with the whole lot of you.
You can keep your silly gun and your silly hat and your silly tunic.
What about the silly trousers? I'll send them around in the morning.
Come along.
Help! There's a stick of incendiaries dropped across the High Street.
-The whole town will be on fire -Frazer, get the stirrup pump.
-JONES: Don't panic! -Right, two buckets of water.
Quickly! -I'm so sorry, sir, did I tread on your foot? -Oh, never mind that.
There's a war on.
Where's my helmet? Come on.
At the double.