Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s06e07 Episode Script
Practicum?!
1 Unprompted Mandarin? What do you want? I already told you we are not getting a monkey.
We already have to take care of your grandma.
Fine, but there's an autograph signing at the mall this week, and it's during school hours.
No skipping school.
Even if the building's on fire, you wait for the bell and die with honor.
But it's my new favorite basketball player Allen Iverson! A.
I.
? "The Answer"? The All-Star for the Sixers.
Got a crossover so smooth, it'll put a baby in your sister? Connie? Don't bring my sister into this! Come on, Dad, please? You love hoops.
And you know how hard I've been working on this college stuff.
Sorry, but I'm with your mother on this one.
No skipping school.
But I think you should leave if there's a fire.
You smell smoke, you run.
C'mon, Ma, it's just half a day.
This is so unfair! Unfair? Wimbledon requiring Pete Sampras to play wearing a shirt is unfair.
Denzel having to act wearing a shirt is unfair.
Me having to complete a stupid academic practicum in order to become teacher boss definitely unfair.
What's a practicum? I have to spend 100 hours shadowing a teacher at some school in order to finish my degree.
Apparently, "practicum" is Latin for "waste Jessica's time.
" Practicum? We're talking about practicum? Really? I'm in here trying to get an autograph, and we're talking about practicum? Practicum?! 100 hours is a lot.
For everyone involved.
Yes, but in order to achieve your goals, you need to keep your head down and stay the course.
Look at your brother Evan.
He wants to be Doctor-President, and he has never veered from the path.
He's predictable, reliable Aloha! [Dramatic music plays.]
[Screams.]
What have you done to your neck?! It's ruined! Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Evan, why do you have sea creatures on your neck?! Oh, my puka shells? Geoff got me into them.
Geoff? Who's Geoff? He's my friend from school.
He spells his name G-E-O-F-F.
Isn't that cool? G-off? Jeff.
- G-off.
- Jeff.
How come you never mentioned him before? I guess that's 8th grade for you, always moving.
Well, I better go, or else I won't get a seat in the back of the bus.
Then I'll have to sit on the wheel hump.
[Door opens, closes.]
Puka shells, back of the bus, single-strap backpack.
This is not like Evan.
What is going on with him at school? How would I know? We don't go to the same school anymore.
I'm in high school now.
I graduated junior high last June? There was a ceremony where you shouted out, "Boring"? Oh, right.
That poor girl sang "The Greatest Love of All.
" Don't try Whitney if you can't do Whitney.
Okay.
You're worried about Evan because of puka shells? Puka shells lead to shady friends, which leads to distraction, which leads to bad grades! Next thing you know, Evan won't be Doctor-President.
I don't know, Mom.
Puka shells are just casual beachwear that also work in the city.
Well, you know what else works in the city? Institutional racism.
[Sighs.]
Nice form! The sleeve helps.
It's good for my ligaments, and sometimes it's a napkin.
Well, sorry we can't let you skip school, but I am proud of all the hard work you've been doing for college.
An A.
I.
jersey! I know you're a fan of "The Big Response.
" It's "The Answer.
" Oh.
That's catchier.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh.
I've been thinking about how to help pay for tuition.
Four words Basketball scholarship.
Okay.
I'm gonna put together a reel of all my hoop skills and send it to Georgetown, Duke, Kentucky [Smacks lips, sighs.]
Oh, son, this is the hard part of being a dad they never show on TV.
The truth is, you are unlikely to get a basketball scholarship.
You are a clumsy boy with a heart of gold.
Maybe if you hustle, you can get a cup of coffee in some third-tier Euro league, but even then, you'll just be a curiosity, an Asian spectacle for the Slavs to jeer at.
I don't want that.
No.
No, you don't.
But what you do have is a great imagination, intelligence, and personality, and there's plenty of scholarships for that.
Thanks, Dad.
[Chuckles.]
Wait.
They spelled "Iverson" with a "Q.
" "Iversqn"? - Is this fake? - [Sighs.]
Explains why it was in the clearance bin.
That Michael Gordan jersey makes a lot more sense now.
[Sighs.]
[School bell rings.]
Hunter, what kind of a child zoo is this? You've let Evan slip through the cracks.
Evan? He's got straight A's, a can-do attitude, making new friends.
Aside from one little detention Detention?! Well, the whole class got it for tardiness.
The whole class?! How are you teacher boss and I still have to take practicum? Trust me, Evan's doing just fine.
You have nothing to worry about.
False.
I need you to follow him to every class and report back to me.
Be sly about it.
Peek around corners.
Use binoculars.
You know what I'm talking about.
I can't follow one child all day.
Who has time for that? One last Huang, one more year.
[Sighs.]
You can do this.
[Indistinct talking on TV.]
Dad, I took your advice and found an awesome scholarship.
Oh! "The Wesley Snipes Scholarship for Orlando Youth.
" Smart.
Channeling some of that "Passenger 57" money into a charitable cause.
He must have a great tax guy.
The scholarship will be enough to buy a dope-ass massage chair for my dorm room.
It's gonna be pimp.
Anyways, I have to write an essay about my biggest hero.
Oh.
So, uh, who do you have in mind? It was an obvious choice.
A man who's really impacted my life.
I'm listening.
Someone who embodies the American dream.
He came from nothing, has a tireless work ethic and amazing hair.
That doesn't just happen.
That's that work ethic you mentioned.
My hero Allen Iverson.
That's great.
[Chuckles.]
Great choice.
Yes.
[School bell rings.]
Alright, Geoff, is this your card? No.
Is this your card? Nope.
[Sighs.]
I'm such a bad magician.
Hey.
That's my card! Or am I? Dude, how did you do that? A magician never reveals his secrets.
That's why they're not in relationships for long.
That was awesome.
Hey, you should come to my Bar Mitzvah.
Really? Isn't that for close friends and family? I mean, we are friends, right? [Gasps.]
One question how early is too early to show up? Show up to what? Mommy? Good news, Evan.
I'm doing my practicum here.
We're going to school together! Now, which one of you bed-wetters is G-off? - You're doing your practicum here? - Isn't it great? Instead of wasting my time following dummy teachers at some random school, I can spend my 100 hours with you and still get credit! 100 hours is a lot.
A lot of fun.
I guess we could carpool together.
And the field trip permission slip process will be streamlined.
Cards? Are you playing poker? Did you put him up to this, G-off? Uh, it's Geoff, and Evan was just showing us some magic tricks.
Trix? Like that drunk cartoon rabbit? No.
Applesauce? You know that gives you bad boom booms.
[Both chuckle.]
Boo-yah.
Dropped off 10 meals in under two hours.
The trick is, never put the car in "park.
" How would that even So, can I take the afternoon off? I want to work on my hero essay.
Oh.
Uh, sure.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, are you still writing about Allen Iverson? 'Cause I was just thinking, maybe there's another hero in your life you'd rather write about, someone closer to home? You mean Uncle Marvin? I do thank you for your service.
Oh.
You want to thank me? Enlist.
I was, um, actually thinking even closer to home.
Maybe an unsung hero you've known since birth.
I don't want to write about Mom.
She already made me do that for Mother's Day.
I'll just stick with A.
I.
[Chuckles.]
I'll be honest, Lou, I'm a little soused, but I think maybe you wish that Eddie saw you as his hero.
Oh, yeah, I did, but I know how I get.
I'm probably just overthinking it.
No, no, no.
If anything, you're underthinking it.
Nicole used to think of me as her hero, and then pfft Gonzo.
Was it the uh What? The lesbian thing? [Chuckling.]
No, no.
That was great.
I don't know what happened.
You know, I used to fix her car for her.
I'd teach her about classic rock.
I'm a big Pink Zeppelin fan.
And then at some point, you know, she just stopped seeing me as her hero.
And then she moved away and we haven't been as close since.
Really? Hey, if Eddie leaves the house and you're not his hero, it's over.
But Eddie only has one year of school left.
Well, then you have time to turn things around.
[Laughs.]
Hey, and if you don't, that's what whiskey is for.
Great job, Ev.
Ev? No, no.
His name is Ev-an.
Trust me, I named him myself.
It's a new nickname I'm trying out.
Did your new friends put you up to this? Lose it.
Presidents don't have nicknames.
- What about Abe Lincoln? - Dead.
- Teddy Roosevelt? - Dead.
- Jimmy Carter? - Ineffective.
[Sighs.]
Yes, Ev? Actually, Ev is no more.
It's back to Evan now.
May I please be excused to the bathroom? Yes.
Remember, sitting down to pee doesn't make you a lesser boy.
[Laughter.]
Everything okay? They said it was a family emergency.
It's our mother.
Oh, God.
She's ruining 8th grade for me.
That's the emergency? Remember how hard it was for me after skipping a grade? I'm finally starting to fit in, and then Mommy shows up.
Gentle suggestion? Stop calling her Mommy.
She won't give me any space.
She took over my locker, threw away my "frivolous" colored pens, and you know what she said when I brought up Geoff's Bar Mitzvah? "A boy doesn't become a man until he earns his first paycheck.
That's a Chinese Bar Mitzvah.
" "Chinese Bar Mitzvah.
" I went through something similar with my friend Marta's quinceañera.
So, what should I do? Just ask Mom to pick a new school.
And interfere with her practicum? I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a saboteur.
Then just figure out a way to avoid her.
It's a big school.
[Sighs.]
Yeah, I guess.
Look, I gotta go.
Please don't tell Mom we talked.
I'm already too involved.
[Click.]
The office said to come meet you.
What's going on? Is it Grandma's bookie? We gotta move again? What? No.
I just thought I'd stop by and say hello and, uh take you to get Allen Iverson's autograph.
For real? You're not clowning me? Lou don't clown.
Well, your mother doesn't always see the whole picture.
Yes, school is important, but so is your happiness.
You needed someone to swoop in and save the day.
I don't know what you would call someone like that.
I'd call them awesome.
[Chuckles.]
Seed planted.
Well, nothing but pavement between us and [Tires screech.]
Oh, no! Obstacle! What is it, Dad? Uh, oh, uh car trouble.
Now? We're not gonna make it.
Don't worry, son.
I will get you to that signing.
Your old man knows his way around the hood area of an automobile.
Yup.
Just what I thought.
A cracked flange belt plug.
[Chuckles.]
I'll have her fixed in a jiff.
You sure you don't need any help? Oh Oh, no.
Do not come out here.
But, uh, you know what could help? Some tunes.
Hit "play" on the stereo.
I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon And he's gotta be larger than life Larger than life [Hissing.]
Oh, no! Oh, no.
Damn it, Louis, this is why you should always stick to air guitar.
[School bell rings.]
Oh.
I was thinking we'd buy lunch.
Today is pizza day.
Yes, but at home, it's expiration date day.
Quick, eat up before they turn.
Mommy, I was thinking instead of going to my boring honors classes, maybe you'd be more help with the classes with the "visual learners.
" Nope.
Sounds bad.
Hey, guys.
Wanna join? Please? Maybe another time, when things are [Sniffs.]
different.
You sure you don't want to switch classes? Consider it a challenge.
One of the teachers doesn't even have a lesson plan.
He just makes up facts and plays the guitar.
Tempting, but I already lined up our schedules and turned in my timecard to Principal Hunter.
We're set.
If it were up to me, we'd be in school together forever.
[Echoing.]
Forever.
JESSICA: Go, go, go! You call that rowing?! I call it pathetic! No wonder you're all still virgins! Sweetie, how are your boom booms? [Dramatic beat.]
This is too cold.
I'm gonna go sweet-talk that hairy lunch lady into using the microwave.
And a hair net.
I must get rid of Mommy.
- I'm holding out for a hero - Is this whole tape just this one song? Till the end of the night Dad, we're running out of time for the autograph signing.
Uh, don't worry.
It's just the flux capacitor.
I'll have it fixed in a minute.
I need a hero [Van door closes.]
Flux capacitor? That's from "Back to the Future.
" I thought you said you knew what you were doing.
Yeah, yeah.
I got it.
[Chuckles.]
See? Uh that Oh! Why are there so many things in here?! Alright, I don't know what I'm doing.
I was pretending the car broke down, and then I broke it for real.
What? Why would you do that? I don't know.
So you would see me as your hero.
By playing mechanic? Well, now I don't get to meet Allen Iverson.
Some hero you are.
[Clank.]
Aah! Oh, no! Again! [School bell rings.]
Hunter, your microwave destroyed my spoon.
You owe me a spoon.
Evan?! Is that my timecard? I was just checking your math.
Uh, 10, carry the 1 Oh.
Yep, looks good.
We both know my math doesn't need to be checked.
You need to be checked.
Sneaking into Principal Hunter's office? Did your new sketchy friends put you up to this? They didn't make me.
You did! I was padding your hours to get you out of school faster.
I don't want you here! - You don't want me here? - No.
You're messing up my life.
Me?! You're the one who's getting detention and breaking into offices.
This is so unlike you, Evan.
Very unpresidential.
Well, except for Nixon.
But at least he had the good sense to pay other people to do it! We all got detention, but we weren't late.
Mr.
Marsh is a hardliner from Arizona who doesn't believe in Daylight Savings.
You're still veering off course.
That's why I'm here To get you back on track.
I mean, puka shells, magic tricks, Geoff with a "G"? Well, you're a jerk with a "J"! [Gasps.]
If you really think these puka shells are the problem, here.
I dare you to not try this on when you're alone.
[Hip-hop music playing.]
Hey.
Good news.
Marvin said he could fix the van.
Turns out the problem was I jammed a screwdriver in it.
Looks like you saved the day again.
Good job, hero.
Sorry.
It's just that when you chose Allen Iverson for your essay instead of me, I freaked out.
And then Marvin got in my head, and with you going off to college so soon I just don't want us to grow apart.
This is ridiculous.
I know.
I'm sorry.
No, I mean, I can't believe you'd ever think that.
You've always been there for me.
You taught me how to drive, gave me my first job, helped me with my girl problems I mean, women problems.
Good catch.
You have nothing to worry about.
Sure, A.
I.
is awesome, but you're more than a hero.
You're my dad.
I'm always going to need you, and we're never going to grow apart.
[Sighs.]
You want a hug, don't you? [Voice breaking.]
Whatever.
I could go either way.
[Chuckles.]
Hey.
I have an idea.
Quick, grab your Iversqn.
Let's go.
[School bell rings.]
Three more minutes on your test, then pencils down.
[Door opens.]
What's wrong with Evan? Excuse me, ma'am.
Who are you? A concerned parent.
God, I miss the WASPy coldness of private school parents.
I don't get it.
Evan's not himself anymore.
He's ruining his dreams of becoming Doctor-President.
No, he's not.
Last night, he held a model U.
N.
with his Beanie Babies.
They executed Oinker for war crimes.
But was he wearing his puka shells? Evan's just getting older and trying new things.
That doesn't make him a different person.
But I don't recognize him anymore.
Every day, it's something new.
Mom, 8th grade's tough.
It's that awkward time before high school.
Remember when I got that zit on my lip and no one spoke to me for a week At school or at home? Oh, I popped it in your sleep, but by morning, it had grown back stronger and angrier.
Evan's just trying to figure it all out.
If you really want to help him, give him space.
It's not easy having your mom at school with you.
Time.
Hand your tests forward.
[Sighs.]
"C," "D," not enough information, "A" [Indistinct conversations.]
Good news, bad news, good news, bad news.
Good news, I got past security with a classic Louis Huang fakeout.
Shark! I fell for that, too.
An escaped shark? That's not what you want.
Okay, bad news Allen Iverson wouldn't sign your fake jersey.
Agh.
Iversqn.
That damn "Q.
" Good news I told him he's your hero, and he signed this instead.
This is a real jersey.
And it's game-worn.
[Sniffs.]
It reeks.
Like 46 points.
Thanks, Dad.
Oop.
Last bad news.
I have a lifetime ban from all NBA events.
Sorry, son.
I gotta remove him from the property.
But I must say, you got a pretty cool dad.
The best.
Just so you know, I knew there wasn't a shark.
But, you know safety first.
[Los Del Rio's "Macarena" plays.]
Dale a tu cuerpo alegrÃa, Macarena Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegrÃa y cosa buena Dale a tu cuerpo alegrÃa, Macarena Mommy? What are you doing here? I'm giving you your space.
So, you crashed my friend's Bar Mitzvah? School wasn't enough? Dale a tu cuerpo alegrÃa, Macarena Hey, Macarena About that.
It's possible I may have overreacted.
A little bit.
Like just barely.
- Barely? - [Sighs.]
When you showed up with the puka shells on, I panicked! That's not the Evan I know.
We're always on the same page.
I'm used to you telling me everything What you're thinking, how your day went, what Grandma writes about me in her journal.
I didn't tell you about the necklace because I knew you'd hate it.
You hate a lot of stuff.
I do.
I just want to be able to try things on my own.
I know.
You have to find out for yourself that things are stupid.
And you wonder why I don't tell you things.
I'm sorry I called you the J-word.
[All gasp.]
"Jerk.
" MAN: Oh.
[Man laughs.]
I promise to give you your space.
But if you ever need the truth, you know where to find me.
Deal? Deal.
I shouldn't have changed your timecard.
That was a low moment.
It was, but good news No more timecards, no more practicum.
What? Emery's cranky teacher told me private schools don't require any of that nonsense.
I could become a teacher boss right away! Mazel tov.
That means "congrats.
" Are you wearing cologne? CK One.
It's a unisex fragrance.
Ohhh, that's so interesting.
I know, right? [2 Unlimited's "Get Ready for This" plays.]
Hey, Coach, all my life, I've wanted to go to your college, university, or institute of technology.
Now, anyone can send you a video of their dunks, but I'm not anyone.
Y'all ready for this? Inbound passes.
Taking charges.
Ugh! [Grunts.]
Floor spacing.
Bench support.
Hustle up.
Good defense! Find the opening.
You got this.
C'mon, ref! Are you blind? They're in the zone! Grandma, get out of the street! [Horn blares.]
Thanks for watching.
Swish! Hey Hey
We already have to take care of your grandma.
Fine, but there's an autograph signing at the mall this week, and it's during school hours.
No skipping school.
Even if the building's on fire, you wait for the bell and die with honor.
But it's my new favorite basketball player Allen Iverson! A.
I.
? "The Answer"? The All-Star for the Sixers.
Got a crossover so smooth, it'll put a baby in your sister? Connie? Don't bring my sister into this! Come on, Dad, please? You love hoops.
And you know how hard I've been working on this college stuff.
Sorry, but I'm with your mother on this one.
No skipping school.
But I think you should leave if there's a fire.
You smell smoke, you run.
C'mon, Ma, it's just half a day.
This is so unfair! Unfair? Wimbledon requiring Pete Sampras to play wearing a shirt is unfair.
Denzel having to act wearing a shirt is unfair.
Me having to complete a stupid academic practicum in order to become teacher boss definitely unfair.
What's a practicum? I have to spend 100 hours shadowing a teacher at some school in order to finish my degree.
Apparently, "practicum" is Latin for "waste Jessica's time.
" Practicum? We're talking about practicum? Really? I'm in here trying to get an autograph, and we're talking about practicum? Practicum?! 100 hours is a lot.
For everyone involved.
Yes, but in order to achieve your goals, you need to keep your head down and stay the course.
Look at your brother Evan.
He wants to be Doctor-President, and he has never veered from the path.
He's predictable, reliable Aloha! [Dramatic music plays.]
[Screams.]
What have you done to your neck?! It's ruined! Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Evan, why do you have sea creatures on your neck?! Oh, my puka shells? Geoff got me into them.
Geoff? Who's Geoff? He's my friend from school.
He spells his name G-E-O-F-F.
Isn't that cool? G-off? Jeff.
- G-off.
- Jeff.
How come you never mentioned him before? I guess that's 8th grade for you, always moving.
Well, I better go, or else I won't get a seat in the back of the bus.
Then I'll have to sit on the wheel hump.
[Door opens, closes.]
Puka shells, back of the bus, single-strap backpack.
This is not like Evan.
What is going on with him at school? How would I know? We don't go to the same school anymore.
I'm in high school now.
I graduated junior high last June? There was a ceremony where you shouted out, "Boring"? Oh, right.
That poor girl sang "The Greatest Love of All.
" Don't try Whitney if you can't do Whitney.
Okay.
You're worried about Evan because of puka shells? Puka shells lead to shady friends, which leads to distraction, which leads to bad grades! Next thing you know, Evan won't be Doctor-President.
I don't know, Mom.
Puka shells are just casual beachwear that also work in the city.
Well, you know what else works in the city? Institutional racism.
[Sighs.]
Nice form! The sleeve helps.
It's good for my ligaments, and sometimes it's a napkin.
Well, sorry we can't let you skip school, but I am proud of all the hard work you've been doing for college.
An A.
I.
jersey! I know you're a fan of "The Big Response.
" It's "The Answer.
" Oh.
That's catchier.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh.
I've been thinking about how to help pay for tuition.
Four words Basketball scholarship.
Okay.
I'm gonna put together a reel of all my hoop skills and send it to Georgetown, Duke, Kentucky [Smacks lips, sighs.]
Oh, son, this is the hard part of being a dad they never show on TV.
The truth is, you are unlikely to get a basketball scholarship.
You are a clumsy boy with a heart of gold.
Maybe if you hustle, you can get a cup of coffee in some third-tier Euro league, but even then, you'll just be a curiosity, an Asian spectacle for the Slavs to jeer at.
I don't want that.
No.
No, you don't.
But what you do have is a great imagination, intelligence, and personality, and there's plenty of scholarships for that.
Thanks, Dad.
[Chuckles.]
Wait.
They spelled "Iverson" with a "Q.
" "Iversqn"? - Is this fake? - [Sighs.]
Explains why it was in the clearance bin.
That Michael Gordan jersey makes a lot more sense now.
[Sighs.]
[School bell rings.]
Hunter, what kind of a child zoo is this? You've let Evan slip through the cracks.
Evan? He's got straight A's, a can-do attitude, making new friends.
Aside from one little detention Detention?! Well, the whole class got it for tardiness.
The whole class?! How are you teacher boss and I still have to take practicum? Trust me, Evan's doing just fine.
You have nothing to worry about.
False.
I need you to follow him to every class and report back to me.
Be sly about it.
Peek around corners.
Use binoculars.
You know what I'm talking about.
I can't follow one child all day.
Who has time for that? One last Huang, one more year.
[Sighs.]
You can do this.
[Indistinct talking on TV.]
Dad, I took your advice and found an awesome scholarship.
Oh! "The Wesley Snipes Scholarship for Orlando Youth.
" Smart.
Channeling some of that "Passenger 57" money into a charitable cause.
He must have a great tax guy.
The scholarship will be enough to buy a dope-ass massage chair for my dorm room.
It's gonna be pimp.
Anyways, I have to write an essay about my biggest hero.
Oh.
So, uh, who do you have in mind? It was an obvious choice.
A man who's really impacted my life.
I'm listening.
Someone who embodies the American dream.
He came from nothing, has a tireless work ethic and amazing hair.
That doesn't just happen.
That's that work ethic you mentioned.
My hero Allen Iverson.
That's great.
[Chuckles.]
Great choice.
Yes.
[School bell rings.]
Alright, Geoff, is this your card? No.
Is this your card? Nope.
[Sighs.]
I'm such a bad magician.
Hey.
That's my card! Or am I? Dude, how did you do that? A magician never reveals his secrets.
That's why they're not in relationships for long.
That was awesome.
Hey, you should come to my Bar Mitzvah.
Really? Isn't that for close friends and family? I mean, we are friends, right? [Gasps.]
One question how early is too early to show up? Show up to what? Mommy? Good news, Evan.
I'm doing my practicum here.
We're going to school together! Now, which one of you bed-wetters is G-off? - You're doing your practicum here? - Isn't it great? Instead of wasting my time following dummy teachers at some random school, I can spend my 100 hours with you and still get credit! 100 hours is a lot.
A lot of fun.
I guess we could carpool together.
And the field trip permission slip process will be streamlined.
Cards? Are you playing poker? Did you put him up to this, G-off? Uh, it's Geoff, and Evan was just showing us some magic tricks.
Trix? Like that drunk cartoon rabbit? No.
Applesauce? You know that gives you bad boom booms.
[Both chuckle.]
Boo-yah.
Dropped off 10 meals in under two hours.
The trick is, never put the car in "park.
" How would that even So, can I take the afternoon off? I want to work on my hero essay.
Oh.
Uh, sure.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, are you still writing about Allen Iverson? 'Cause I was just thinking, maybe there's another hero in your life you'd rather write about, someone closer to home? You mean Uncle Marvin? I do thank you for your service.
Oh.
You want to thank me? Enlist.
I was, um, actually thinking even closer to home.
Maybe an unsung hero you've known since birth.
I don't want to write about Mom.
She already made me do that for Mother's Day.
I'll just stick with A.
I.
[Chuckles.]
I'll be honest, Lou, I'm a little soused, but I think maybe you wish that Eddie saw you as his hero.
Oh, yeah, I did, but I know how I get.
I'm probably just overthinking it.
No, no, no.
If anything, you're underthinking it.
Nicole used to think of me as her hero, and then pfft Gonzo.
Was it the uh What? The lesbian thing? [Chuckling.]
No, no.
That was great.
I don't know what happened.
You know, I used to fix her car for her.
I'd teach her about classic rock.
I'm a big Pink Zeppelin fan.
And then at some point, you know, she just stopped seeing me as her hero.
And then she moved away and we haven't been as close since.
Really? Hey, if Eddie leaves the house and you're not his hero, it's over.
But Eddie only has one year of school left.
Well, then you have time to turn things around.
[Laughs.]
Hey, and if you don't, that's what whiskey is for.
Great job, Ev.
Ev? No, no.
His name is Ev-an.
Trust me, I named him myself.
It's a new nickname I'm trying out.
Did your new friends put you up to this? Lose it.
Presidents don't have nicknames.
- What about Abe Lincoln? - Dead.
- Teddy Roosevelt? - Dead.
- Jimmy Carter? - Ineffective.
[Sighs.]
Yes, Ev? Actually, Ev is no more.
It's back to Evan now.
May I please be excused to the bathroom? Yes.
Remember, sitting down to pee doesn't make you a lesser boy.
[Laughter.]
Everything okay? They said it was a family emergency.
It's our mother.
Oh, God.
She's ruining 8th grade for me.
That's the emergency? Remember how hard it was for me after skipping a grade? I'm finally starting to fit in, and then Mommy shows up.
Gentle suggestion? Stop calling her Mommy.
She won't give me any space.
She took over my locker, threw away my "frivolous" colored pens, and you know what she said when I brought up Geoff's Bar Mitzvah? "A boy doesn't become a man until he earns his first paycheck.
That's a Chinese Bar Mitzvah.
" "Chinese Bar Mitzvah.
" I went through something similar with my friend Marta's quinceañera.
So, what should I do? Just ask Mom to pick a new school.
And interfere with her practicum? I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a saboteur.
Then just figure out a way to avoid her.
It's a big school.
[Sighs.]
Yeah, I guess.
Look, I gotta go.
Please don't tell Mom we talked.
I'm already too involved.
[Click.]
The office said to come meet you.
What's going on? Is it Grandma's bookie? We gotta move again? What? No.
I just thought I'd stop by and say hello and, uh take you to get Allen Iverson's autograph.
For real? You're not clowning me? Lou don't clown.
Well, your mother doesn't always see the whole picture.
Yes, school is important, but so is your happiness.
You needed someone to swoop in and save the day.
I don't know what you would call someone like that.
I'd call them awesome.
[Chuckles.]
Seed planted.
Well, nothing but pavement between us and [Tires screech.]
Oh, no! Obstacle! What is it, Dad? Uh, oh, uh car trouble.
Now? We're not gonna make it.
Don't worry, son.
I will get you to that signing.
Your old man knows his way around the hood area of an automobile.
Yup.
Just what I thought.
A cracked flange belt plug.
[Chuckles.]
I'll have her fixed in a jiff.
You sure you don't need any help? Oh Oh, no.
Do not come out here.
But, uh, you know what could help? Some tunes.
Hit "play" on the stereo.
I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon And he's gotta be larger than life Larger than life [Hissing.]
Oh, no! Oh, no.
Damn it, Louis, this is why you should always stick to air guitar.
[School bell rings.]
Oh.
I was thinking we'd buy lunch.
Today is pizza day.
Yes, but at home, it's expiration date day.
Quick, eat up before they turn.
Mommy, I was thinking instead of going to my boring honors classes, maybe you'd be more help with the classes with the "visual learners.
" Nope.
Sounds bad.
Hey, guys.
Wanna join? Please? Maybe another time, when things are [Sniffs.]
different.
You sure you don't want to switch classes? Consider it a challenge.
One of the teachers doesn't even have a lesson plan.
He just makes up facts and plays the guitar.
Tempting, but I already lined up our schedules and turned in my timecard to Principal Hunter.
We're set.
If it were up to me, we'd be in school together forever.
[Echoing.]
Forever.
JESSICA: Go, go, go! You call that rowing?! I call it pathetic! No wonder you're all still virgins! Sweetie, how are your boom booms? [Dramatic beat.]
This is too cold.
I'm gonna go sweet-talk that hairy lunch lady into using the microwave.
And a hair net.
I must get rid of Mommy.
- I'm holding out for a hero - Is this whole tape just this one song? Till the end of the night Dad, we're running out of time for the autograph signing.
Uh, don't worry.
It's just the flux capacitor.
I'll have it fixed in a minute.
I need a hero [Van door closes.]
Flux capacitor? That's from "Back to the Future.
" I thought you said you knew what you were doing.
Yeah, yeah.
I got it.
[Chuckles.]
See? Uh that Oh! Why are there so many things in here?! Alright, I don't know what I'm doing.
I was pretending the car broke down, and then I broke it for real.
What? Why would you do that? I don't know.
So you would see me as your hero.
By playing mechanic? Well, now I don't get to meet Allen Iverson.
Some hero you are.
[Clank.]
Aah! Oh, no! Again! [School bell rings.]
Hunter, your microwave destroyed my spoon.
You owe me a spoon.
Evan?! Is that my timecard? I was just checking your math.
Uh, 10, carry the 1 Oh.
Yep, looks good.
We both know my math doesn't need to be checked.
You need to be checked.
Sneaking into Principal Hunter's office? Did your new sketchy friends put you up to this? They didn't make me.
You did! I was padding your hours to get you out of school faster.
I don't want you here! - You don't want me here? - No.
You're messing up my life.
Me?! You're the one who's getting detention and breaking into offices.
This is so unlike you, Evan.
Very unpresidential.
Well, except for Nixon.
But at least he had the good sense to pay other people to do it! We all got detention, but we weren't late.
Mr.
Marsh is a hardliner from Arizona who doesn't believe in Daylight Savings.
You're still veering off course.
That's why I'm here To get you back on track.
I mean, puka shells, magic tricks, Geoff with a "G"? Well, you're a jerk with a "J"! [Gasps.]
If you really think these puka shells are the problem, here.
I dare you to not try this on when you're alone.
[Hip-hop music playing.]
Hey.
Good news.
Marvin said he could fix the van.
Turns out the problem was I jammed a screwdriver in it.
Looks like you saved the day again.
Good job, hero.
Sorry.
It's just that when you chose Allen Iverson for your essay instead of me, I freaked out.
And then Marvin got in my head, and with you going off to college so soon I just don't want us to grow apart.
This is ridiculous.
I know.
I'm sorry.
No, I mean, I can't believe you'd ever think that.
You've always been there for me.
You taught me how to drive, gave me my first job, helped me with my girl problems I mean, women problems.
Good catch.
You have nothing to worry about.
Sure, A.
I.
is awesome, but you're more than a hero.
You're my dad.
I'm always going to need you, and we're never going to grow apart.
[Sighs.]
You want a hug, don't you? [Voice breaking.]
Whatever.
I could go either way.
[Chuckles.]
Hey.
I have an idea.
Quick, grab your Iversqn.
Let's go.
[School bell rings.]
Three more minutes on your test, then pencils down.
[Door opens.]
What's wrong with Evan? Excuse me, ma'am.
Who are you? A concerned parent.
God, I miss the WASPy coldness of private school parents.
I don't get it.
Evan's not himself anymore.
He's ruining his dreams of becoming Doctor-President.
No, he's not.
Last night, he held a model U.
N.
with his Beanie Babies.
They executed Oinker for war crimes.
But was he wearing his puka shells? Evan's just getting older and trying new things.
That doesn't make him a different person.
But I don't recognize him anymore.
Every day, it's something new.
Mom, 8th grade's tough.
It's that awkward time before high school.
Remember when I got that zit on my lip and no one spoke to me for a week At school or at home? Oh, I popped it in your sleep, but by morning, it had grown back stronger and angrier.
Evan's just trying to figure it all out.
If you really want to help him, give him space.
It's not easy having your mom at school with you.
Time.
Hand your tests forward.
[Sighs.]
"C," "D," not enough information, "A" [Indistinct conversations.]
Good news, bad news, good news, bad news.
Good news, I got past security with a classic Louis Huang fakeout.
Shark! I fell for that, too.
An escaped shark? That's not what you want.
Okay, bad news Allen Iverson wouldn't sign your fake jersey.
Agh.
Iversqn.
That damn "Q.
" Good news I told him he's your hero, and he signed this instead.
This is a real jersey.
And it's game-worn.
[Sniffs.]
It reeks.
Like 46 points.
Thanks, Dad.
Oop.
Last bad news.
I have a lifetime ban from all NBA events.
Sorry, son.
I gotta remove him from the property.
But I must say, you got a pretty cool dad.
The best.
Just so you know, I knew there wasn't a shark.
But, you know safety first.
[Los Del Rio's "Macarena" plays.]
Dale a tu cuerpo alegrÃa, Macarena Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegrÃa y cosa buena Dale a tu cuerpo alegrÃa, Macarena Mommy? What are you doing here? I'm giving you your space.
So, you crashed my friend's Bar Mitzvah? School wasn't enough? Dale a tu cuerpo alegrÃa, Macarena Hey, Macarena About that.
It's possible I may have overreacted.
A little bit.
Like just barely.
- Barely? - [Sighs.]
When you showed up with the puka shells on, I panicked! That's not the Evan I know.
We're always on the same page.
I'm used to you telling me everything What you're thinking, how your day went, what Grandma writes about me in her journal.
I didn't tell you about the necklace because I knew you'd hate it.
You hate a lot of stuff.
I do.
I just want to be able to try things on my own.
I know.
You have to find out for yourself that things are stupid.
And you wonder why I don't tell you things.
I'm sorry I called you the J-word.
[All gasp.]
"Jerk.
" MAN: Oh.
[Man laughs.]
I promise to give you your space.
But if you ever need the truth, you know where to find me.
Deal? Deal.
I shouldn't have changed your timecard.
That was a low moment.
It was, but good news No more timecards, no more practicum.
What? Emery's cranky teacher told me private schools don't require any of that nonsense.
I could become a teacher boss right away! Mazel tov.
That means "congrats.
" Are you wearing cologne? CK One.
It's a unisex fragrance.
Ohhh, that's so interesting.
I know, right? [2 Unlimited's "Get Ready for This" plays.]
Hey, Coach, all my life, I've wanted to go to your college, university, or institute of technology.
Now, anyone can send you a video of their dunks, but I'm not anyone.
Y'all ready for this? Inbound passes.
Taking charges.
Ugh! [Grunts.]
Floor spacing.
Bench support.
Hustle up.
Good defense! Find the opening.
You got this.
C'mon, ref! Are you blind? They're in the zone! Grandma, get out of the street! [Horn blares.]
Thanks for watching.
Swish! Hey Hey