Futurama s06e07 Episode Script

Shh! Don't wake up Fry.
Shh! My roommate's sleeping! Wake up already! I'm about to get down and funky with this ladybot, and I'd appreciate it if as many people as possible could know about it.
Now can we get some privacy? Oh, yeah! Back it on up.
Hambone, hambone! Hambone Okay, hambone break's over.
Back to the bedroom! Hambone, hambone! Hambone Wake up and feel the coffee! No, I'm late for work again! Sorry I'm late.
Well, well, well.
Look who decided to show up.
I've had it with your tardiness, Fry.
I expect you to arrive the same time as everyone else.
Well, wait a second.
Leela's not here yet.
She left a while ago.
She said some idiot was taking her to lunch for her birthday.
Oh, no, I'm late! Since you got stood up, I thought this might cheer you up a notch.
That's not necessary.
What day is today? It's Leela 's birthday Please stop.
What a day for a birthday I really would like you to stop singing.
cake! You want to buy a slice of birthday cake for $11.
95? Yes, please.
Ooh, nice cake.
Sorry, I'm late.
Where have you It's fine.
- You're not mad? - I was.
But then I realized it's actually my fault for thinking you might be on time for once.
Anyhow, I ate both our lunches.
You ordered the lobster pileup.
It wasn't cheap.
Bam! Please, let me make it up to you.
I'll treat you to a fancy birthday dinner tonight, at Cavern on the Green.
Wow, that'll be the nicest place I've ever been stood up.
Not this time.
No matter what happens, I swear I'll be there.
Guys, guys! Hedonismbot is finally gonna settle down, and marry a nice house in the suburbs! But tonight, he's having the girls-gone- wildest bachelor party of all time! Who cares? I'm having dinner with Leela.
Just go to your stupid party.
We can have dinner on my birthday some other year.
No! I can throw up on a stripper anytime.
Tonight, I want to not throw up on you.
Really? Your loss.
Hey, Professor, you're my wingman! Very well.
Cubert, fetch my drinking teeth.
I just have to sign Leela's birthday card.
How do you spell X-O? It's a record-your-own-message card.
You don't sign it, you leave a nude video greeting.
Does it have to be nude? I guess not.
That never occurred to me.
If I leave now, record a birthday greeting on the way, score some fancy cologne at the newsstand, I'll be exactly on time.
You're not going anywhere! But I have a date.
You were late this morning, so you have to stay and test my latest invention! Behold! A time-traveling machine! Time? I can't go back there! But this time machine only goes forward in time.
That way you can't accidentally change history, or do something disgusting, like sleep with your own grandmother.
I wouldn't want to do that again.
We're going to test it by going forward in time one minute.
Get in.
Okay, hurry.
Let's get it over with.
I can record Leela's birthday card while we're in there.
Happy birthday, Leela! I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, 'cause we're testing the professor's dumb time machine, but Okay, I'll just nudge us forward exactly one minute into the My card! Did we go too far? What time is it? The year 10,000.
Whoopsie.
Oh, dear.
I mean, oh, my.
The year 10,000? But I promised Leela I'd be on time for dinner! Relax, Fry.
Everyone we ever knew died thousands of years ago.
Everyone we ever knew? I never liked those guys.
No! They did it! They blew it up! And then the apes blew up their society, too! How could this happen? And then the birds took over and ruined their society! And the cows, and then, I don't know, is that a slug, maybe? No! While you await your "friend," allow me to read from a prepared history of our cavern.
"These unique rock formations "were created over millions of years by mineral-rich water, "dripping from pores in the ceiling.
"Dripping and dripping, year upon year, "century upon century" What day is today? Hey, aren't you the loser who got stood up at my other restaurant? Just shut up and bring me two dinners.
Has anyone seen Fry's ass? It's late for a date with my boot.
Fry's not here.
Obviously, he went to that pervert party with Bender and the professor.
Fry went to the party? We interrupt Hypnotoad On Ice to bring you breaking coverage of the disaster at Hedonismbot's bachelor party.
Linda, what began as innocent fun ended in tragedy tonight when a nuclear-powered robot stripper suffered a catastrophic reactor meltdown.
There is only one survivor.
Everywhere I looked, there were piles of bodies.
And then the explosion struck.
The three co-workers I liked, all dead! Fry stood me up and died? I'm so angry! I mean, I'm so sad! But I'm still pretty angry! But also sad.
Can I be both? It's what he'd want.
Then that's what I am! Man, the future is a total craphole, and whoever lives here is a crap-faced sack of crap! No offense, fellas.
Don't sweat it, man.
I'll never see Leela again.
No, without a backwards time machine, we're stuck in this craphole.
Dude, give it a rest.
Hold on.
I've got it! We can't go back in time, but we can keep going forward until people invent the backwards time machine.
- And then we can go home.
- Hit it.
In the year 105, 105 If man is still alive If robot can survive They may find In the year 252,525 The backwards time machine still won't have arrived In all the world there's only one technology A rusty sword for practicing proctology In a future year that ends with a 20 A shlubby merman's gonna try to get chummy He may look like a watery wimp When in fact he's a bloodthirsty shrimp In the year one million and a half Humankind is enslaved by giraffe Man must pay for all his misdeeds When the treetops are stripped of their leaves Sometimes I can't believe how successful Planet Express became once the professor was killed and you seized control.
There were tough times, but we all pulled together.
I've been crunching the numbers on our trans-galactic strategy What are you doing here? I laid you off 20 years ago.
The claws can't flee like they used to.
Success is nice, but I do kind of miss the old days.
Hey, Leels.
Hi, Cubert.
May we help you, strange ones? We are travelers from the past, my good runt.
I see.
Since your time, human evolution has diverged.
There are we, advanced in intellect and morality.
And the Dumblocks, stupid, vicious brutes who live underground.
Advanced in intellect, you say? Have you invented a backwards time machine? No, but if we apply our superior minds, we could perfect such a device within five years.
See you then! We're back for our time machine! Yoo-hoo! Boys! What's this era in human history like? The machines.
We built them to make our lives easier, but they rebelled.
They won't stop until every human is dead.
This seems like a nice future.
Let's just stay here.
We could settle down on that mountain of skulls.
Hey! That place had a gorgeous view of Blood Lake! Greetings, time travelers.
Stupid jerks! Wouldn't let me stay in the good future.
How did you know we're time travelers? We, too, study the time-travel enigma.
We have perfected a method using negative-mass neutrino fields that allows us to travel backwards in time.
My name's Hubert.
All right! We can go home! We can talk of our research tomorrow.
Men are very rare in our society.
Even very old and stupid males are prized.
Tonight, please be the guests of honor at our fertility banquet.
Well, there's certainly no harm in a fertility banquet.
I could eat.
And fertilize.
Very well.
Let us anoint our guests in oil without using our hands.
So, we can stay in the future you like, but not the future I like? Next! No! I was about to close the deal! Bender, they had a backwards time machine! The other place had a lot of good things, too! Did you even see that mountain of skulls? Why, you! No, you didn't.
Stop! Somewhere, sometime, Leela is waiting for me.
We need to keep looking for a backwards time machine.
Fry's right.
Yes.
We have to work together, not have this fight, which I was definitely winning.
The year one billion.
I've got a feeling this could be exactly the point in time we've been looking for! Nope.
In fact, all life is extinct.
So let's keep going forward.
It's no use.
Earth is dead.
This is the end of all things.
The Cavern on the Green.
I made it, Leela.
Sorry I'm a billion years late.
You'll get your alimony check, Cubert.
Now get lost! Chill out.
I'm just here to see Amy.
Move it, boy toy.
Granny's taking you to Atlantic City.
I don't know why you ever married that pig-nosed punk.
I don't know, either.
I'm married to the job now.
I used to think there was someone for me, but How odd.
It's one of those old record-your-own-message birthday cards.
Happy birthday, Leela! I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, 'cause we're testing the professor's dumb time machine But, you know, happy birthday and all, and, I love you.
My card! My whole life I've been mad at him, and it wasn't his fault.
You know, all in all, I had a good life.
What do you say the three of us grab a six-pack and watch the universe end? Hear! Hear! That's basically what I do every day.
To the end of the universe! So long, Earth.
Thanks for the air and whatnot.
- Whoa! - Whoa! Hey, what was the purpose of life anyway? Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit.
Sounds about right.
The stars are receding.
The vast emptiness! Yeah, yeah, I can take a hint.
The last proton should be decaying about now.
Bye, last proton.
And, here we are.
The end of the universe.
Well, now what? You guys want to talk? No, thanks.
Did anyone else see that? Unbelievable! It's a second big bang! My God, is it possible? It must be possible.
It's happening.
By the way, what's happening? It appears this universe is exactly identical to the old one.
If so, we just need to keep going forward in time to the point when we left! The Earth is born! Ladies and gentlemen, the moon! Look.
The first fish to crawl up on land.
It was coming right at us! You saw it.
I'm gonna grab another beer.
Fry, Fry, you're missing the dinosaurs! It's okay.
They're not going anywhere.
Where'd they go? Now, what's going on there? History.
Hang on.
I just want to make one stop.
Easy, easy.
Taking her in for a landing.
One year to go.
Six months.
I'm almost there, Leela.
One month, two weeks, one hour, - Stop! - Give me the keys, Magoo! We'll have to bring her around again.
Just slow it down.
I'll shoot Hitler out the window.
Darn! I hit Eleanor Roosevelt by mistake.
Okay, nearing our era again.
Here we go.
Careful this time.
Careful.
We're going to test it by going forward in time one minute.
Get in.
Okay.
Hurry.
Let's get it over with.
Uh-oh.
This new universe is about 10 feet lower than our old one.
Pow! We took care of the time travel paradox.
- All right! - Hooray! Uh-oh.
I'm late for dinner with Leela.
Welcome to Cavern on the Green.
May I offer you some meat loaf while you wait? Sorry I'm late! Actually, you're on time.
Really? I have to admit, I was afraid you wouldn't make it.
That was the old Fry.
He's dead now.
Happy birthday, Leela.
I got you a card, but I guess I kind of lost it.
That's okay.
I don't really like cards.
What I'll remember is our time together.