Grace and Frankie (2015) s06e07 Episode Script
The Surprises
1 [GRACE POTTER'S "STUCK IN THE MIDDLE" PLAYING.]
Well, I don't know why I came here tonight Got the feelin' that somethin' ain't right I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right Here I am stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh Frankie, I thought you were gonna get up early to get a head start.
On my world-famous banana potpie.
It has real bananas in it, and real pot.
In what world is that famous? A world of monkeys and stoners.
And Sol.
We can't go see him empty-handed.
Hand me the Mountain Dew.
You know, with all due respect, I've seen Sol pre-surgery, during his surgery, and post-surgery.
And this is post-post-surgery, and I am not-not going.
So you are going? No.
Not until we figure out this PR nightmare.
We are not gonna achieve statehood for Puerto Rico in one day.
We have to roll up our sleeves and solve this toilet problem, 'cause my husband is coming back today, and I actually would like to see him.
Oh, but today is for Sol.
I've got big surprises planned for him, including the pièce de résistance.
"Pièce de résistance"? Oh, you've been watching Ratatouille again.
Jack is bringing Sol a tambourine signed by the Mamas and one Papa.
Why didn't somebody bring me a tambourine when I had my knee replaced? I gave you one.
But all you used it for was to let me know when you were out of vodka.
Oh, right.
But still, it wasn't signed by a celebrity.
Because that was before I knew Jack.
He knows everybody.
All the crème de la crème.
Oh, you did watch Ratatouille again.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oui.
Jack's le bombe.
Every Friday, he drives up to LA just to have lunch with Neil Diamond and Henry Winkler.
That's it.
Frankie! - This could save our toilet.
- What could? We could We could get a celebrity to endorse it.
- Imagine if we got Fonzie to sit on it.
- I'm not asking Jack.
Our relationship is too new.
Well, it wasn't too new for you to ask him to bring a gift to Sol.
Sol doesn't have a prostate.
Well, I don't have one either! Grace, I really like this guy.
And one of the things he likes about me is that I don't care about his connections.
Well, do you care about "Rise Up"? Are you kidding? Thanks to "Rise Up", the band is touring again.
Therefore, this band member is going with you.
Sorry, but now it's a solo gig.
This way, you can't bother Jack.
Oh, I won't, I promise.
Unless, of course, Jack knows Elton John, but then we might have to rename it the Elton John.
[GRACE CHUCKLES.]
Your favorite nurse is here.
I don't know.
Elena at the hospital was truly special.
Well, where is she now, in your real time of need? At her daughter's quinceañera.
By the way, we gave her a hundred bucks and three "get well" balloons.
Oh.
I bet this ostrich is up to no good.
- [SQUAWKS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
[WHIMPERS.]
Oh.
Funny videos aren't funny when it hurts to laugh.
Then why are you watching funny videos? [SNIFFS.]
Marge posted it, and Marge only posts gold.
Why don't you watch an old movie or something? I tried watching Grumpy Old Men, but it reminded me of us.
Except for the part where we were both interested in Ann-Margret.
Sol, what you need is a nice quiet day at home for healing.
And I promise you dull and boring.
That's why I married you.
[KNOCKING.]
Surprise! Oh, dear God.
You know, I've thought a lot about it, and I know it means a lot to you.
So you should be the guardian to Erin and Liz's kid.
You mean it? Sign the papers.
You're not messing around with me like the time you said you dug my furry Chewbacca sweatshirt? I don't know who shaved it, but I swear it wasn't me.
Thank you so much.
I'm gonna call Erin and Liz.
Send them my love.
Um, you know you just used the word "love", right? I use it sometimes.
Like when I'm doing something for Barry, whom I'm fond of.
Yeah, he's okay.
But you sounded uncharacteristically magnanimous.
That's because I was characteristically devious.
Ooh.
Now that I've said yes to Barry being their baby's guardian, I can milk it.
He owes me for, like [EXHALES.]
ever.
Yeah, but aren't you on the hook for this kid if something happens? Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Here's the genius, nothing can happen.
The odds of two women in their 30s dying before their kid turns 18 is 936,000 to one.
I did the math.
- You did not.
- I did not.
I tricked Barry into doing the math.
Yeah.
- Voilà ! - Fucking French rat.
Surprise number one.
Actually, it's surprise number two.
Surprise number one is that you're here.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Your banana potpie is my favorite.
Almost as good as her Chinese chicken cake.
So, how's the recovery going? Slow and painful.
To keep my mind off it, - I was watching one of Marge's videos.
- [GASPS.]
Marge posted another video? Let me see.
Let me see! Keep your eye on the postal worker's hamburger as she passes the ostrich.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, God.
Oh, Marge only posts gold.
Oh, you've got to share this.
What he's got to do is rest.
All right.
I'll share it.
[LAUGHS.]
- Frankie is dying.
- [KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
But I can't watch.
- I'm in too much pain.
- [POST TRANSMITS.]
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Oh, I'll get it! I'll get it! [CHUCKLES.]
[EXHALES.]
Without further ado, surprise number deux! [FRANKIE LAUGHS.]
No, it's it's not personal, Bud.
It's just that your driving sucks.
How is that not personal? You're obviously still mad about the Jessica thing.
[SCOFFS.]
What makes you think that? Because for 55 minutes in therapy, you kept saying you were still mad about the Jessica thing.
What do I have to do to fix this? Be over it.
Like, why are you still hung up on her? - 'Cause you lost your virginity to her? - I'm not hung up on her.
Prove it.
Once and for all.
Fine.
I will call the beach house and tell Coyote and Jessica that we're coming over.
Yeah.
How do you know they're there? I follow her Instagram.
You're gonna love the "Rise Up", but not nearly as much as surprise number three.
It's even more fun than the toilet.
- That's hard to imagine.
- Yeah, uh Speaking of, when When is the surprise gonna get here? Any time now.
But Grace, remember, na-boo tah-tah ah-noo Jack-Jack dah-boh.
Are you having another stroke? It's Furbish, the language spoken by all Furbies and friends of Furby, which you clearly are not.
Well, at least we're off the French.
Simply translated, "Don't ask Jack for anything".
- Who's Jack? - Well, he's an Aquarius, or a Type Four Enneagram, if that paints a better picture for you.
- It does not.
- No, it's Jack Ayres.
Frankie's new boyfriend.
You're gonna love him.
Jack Ayres? Is that the Jack Ayres who was in the music business? I guess he's a celebrity in his own right.
Grace, maybe he'll sit on our toilet.
You know, the music business is full of characters.
Lots of, you know, playas.
Please don't ever say that again.
You guys are so sweet to worry, but I promise, he's a great guy.
That's why I want you to meet him.
Frankie uh, has this guy ever been married? Yes, to a terrible woman who almost ruined his life.
She and her bastard lawyers took him for everything he had.
I think we have our next surprise.
We're the bastards.
What? A gift for me? Just for being you.
[EXHALES.]
"6:00 p.
m.
couples massage at Helaine & Maris".
- I like.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
"Dinner at Justin Ryan's".
I like more.
- You forgot to write on this one.
- Oh, no.
Did I? Or is the rest of the night just a mystery? I mean, not for me, because I planned it.
But [CLEARS THROAT.]
for you.
[KNOCKING.]
- Hello, people of Earth.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Guilty.
[LAUGHS.]
We just came by to deliver a small thank you for being the baby's guardian.
[GASPS.]
And - for you.
- Wow.
- Where does it open? - No.
- That's just It is what it is.
- Yeah.
- Very nice.
Thank you.
- [LIZ.]
Yeah.
- Did you get this from our parking lot? - A little further.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's actually a volcanic rock I picked up at the summit of Mount Cotopaxi.
Oh, is that from where you parachuted and almost landed inside the volcano? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- That was a close one.
- [EXHALES IN RELIEF.]
Oh, God, wow.
Is that a joke or? - No, it happened.
- [ERIN AND LIZ.]
Yeah.
I didn't know that you had broken your leg, Liz.
Is that that's from the parachuting? [CHUCKLES.]
No, no.
Helicopter skiing.
Oh.
It's not broken.
It's shattered.
Oof.
- Just [EXPLOSIVE SOUND.]
- Yeah.
Ugh.
- You Did you say helicopter skiing? - Yeah.
Well, not, of course, while I'm pregnant.
[CHUCKLES.]
But as soon as this bambino bungees out of me, I'm gonna get back in shape and go to Pamplona.
Oh, Pamplona! Run with the bulls, right on.
[ERIN AND LIZ CHUCKLE.]
[CHUCKLES.]
How long after the baby is born? Like 18 years after? That sounds good.
The kid goes to college, Liz flies into a volcano, everybody's happy.
Hmm.
You're so full of life.
[MOUTHING.]
But for how much longer? That's what I wonder.
[SOFTLY.]
Grace, do you remember Pamela Sugarman? The woman Sol and I represented? Well, why don't you just ask me if I remember the beach house? That divorce paid for it.
Guess who Pamela Sugarman was married to? [WHISPERS.]
I'll give you a hint.
He's gonna be here any minute.
Jack is the guy you raked over the coals? At our client's insistence.
- So now what? Do we tell Frankie? - [GRACE EXHALES.]
Of course we tell Frankie.
It's telling Jack I'm worried about! [WHISPERS.]
We do not tell Frankie.
She is extremely happy with this guy, and I need a face for my toilet.
Remember when the judge awarded Pamela everything? Jack broke out in hives, and the bailiff had to handcuff him to stop him from scratching himself to death.
So, what do we do if Jack recognizes us? [SCOFFS.]
That was 20 years ago.
And neither one of you has aged well.
We were only in court together one time, and he only saw my left profile.
Plus he was crying a lot, so it was probably blurry.
And I think I had a beard back then.
You did.
Me.
[LAUGHS.]
- Well here we all are - [ALLISON CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
which is totally chill.
[JESSICA CHUCKLES.]
Uh, Allison, of course you know my brother, Coyote.
And this is his girlfriend, Jessica.
Jessica, this is my beautiful, radiant, patient I'm Allison.
Hi.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hi.
- Hi.
- We have a daughter together.
- Yeah.
Who we made from doing it.
Is this why you came here? To do whatever this is? - It's really great to meet you.
- Yeah.
Anyway, I-I came here to tell you and to show you that I'm in a very good place.
I'm happy.
We're happy.
Yeah, we're really happy.
And I want you guys to be happy.
So, Coyote, I'm sorry, and I want to bury the hatchet.
Me, too.
Hug it out? [HUGGING GRUNTS.]
[BUD CHUCKLES.]
And Jessica, I-I'm so glad that we could bury the hatchet, too.
Oh.
[SLIGHT CHUCKLE.]
Uh, exactly what hatchet are we burying? Well, you know how things ended.
Ended? They barely started.
We dated for, like, six weeks.
Oh.
I mean, how abruptly and brutally you broke up with me.
Well, I wouldn't say it was brutal.
H-How was it not? I mean, just the night before, we had such an incredible time.
Remember, on your pleather couch? We polished off a glass of Carlo Rossi, we were both feeling a bit toasted? We had just watched the Felicity marathon? It was a big moment.
Ah, it wasn't that big.
[SCOFFS.]
No, they ran that marathon, like, a thousand times.
- Oh, I know, I keep missing it.
- Me, too.
I lost my virginity to you that night! - You what? - You probably didn't know this, - but I was still a virgin.
- [WHISPERS.]
He was a virgin.
And you probably don't know this, after that night, you still were a virgin.
Ah.
[SLIGHT CHUCKLE.]
And to think, I was worried it would be weird coming here.
Frankie, maybe you should call Jack.
I'm not sure I have the strength for another surprise.
I've already had the banana potpie and the toilet.
And while those two pair delightfully [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, too late! Hey, Mr.
Tambourine Man.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Come in.
Come in! Hey, everybody, come here and meet Jack.
Jack, this is I'm Bobby.
He's Solly.
Oh, be cool, fools.
You cats don't have to be hip in front of Jack just because he was in the music biz.
Ya feel me? Uh, well, Solly, then I think this is for you.
Thank you so much.
I love it.
[JACK.]
Ah, it's an honor.
Frankie raves about you.
And that's rare to hear about an ex.
I raved about my ex-wife too, but I was in an institution.
Uh, thanks to Frankie, I'm I'm open about that now.
Sounds like you're in a very good place and don't want to look back.
I feel like I've met you two before.
Were you in that gay Simon & Garfunkel cover band in the '70s? - No.
- Yes.
Actually, Bobby is an actor, and Solly dabbles in activism.
Yeah, Bobby, why don't you get out of here and whip up a snack for Jack? [SOL.]
Oh, let me show you where the snacks are.
I swear, if it wasn't for those month-long benders with Iggy Pop, I'd be able to tell you how I know them.
[SLIGHT CHUCKLE.]
Thank heaven for Mr.
Pop.
[LAUGHS.]
Frankie, you need to check on the plumber.
- Why me? - Why not you? Sold.
But remember, na-boo ta-tah Jack-Jack.
One of my biggest regrets in life is that I never learned Furbish.
So, I-I hear you know a lot of celebrities.
Would one of them want to be a spokesperson for a sexy new product for the elderly? What kind of sexy product? Well, that's between me and the celebrity you get us.
Oh.
Hmm.
- [EXHALES.]
- Filters are bullshit.
They're better for the baby.
She's lighting up again, Barry.
She's lighting up again! She's nervous about the baby.
[EXHALES.]
You never told me they were death-defying lesbians.
Swimming to Alcatraz during El Niño does not make them death-defying.
You allowed me to allow you to sign those papers, knowing that Chain Smoker and Death Wish out there are having your baby.
Liz and Erin are going to be great moms because they drink life up.
Oh, my God.
Am I the only one here who isn't fucking insane? How are they going to be great moms if they are not alive to raise this kid? You need to do something.
What am I gonna do, tell them not to live their lives? No, tell them not to end them.
[COUGHS.]
- [ERIN CLEARS THROAT.]
- [EXHALES.]
Okay, here's the deal.
Both of you need to start acting like you're having a child.
Okay? You stop jumping into volcanoes.
And you, quit the smokes, Marlboro Mom.
And what exactly do you know about being a mother? That I'm not going to be one.
But if I were, here's the things that I'd give up in my own life: my morning vape, following people who cut me off in traffic, my afternoon vape, shower beers What else, what else, what else, what else? Oh, I know, jumping into volcanoes.
- [EXHALES.]
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
Brianna, we really appreciate your concern But fuck off.
- It's our lives.
- [ERIN.]
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Wow.
She just ran over my foot.
Ow.
[EXHALES.]
You know what, I don't think they appreciate your concern.
I haven't spoken to Stevie Nicks in 20 years, but sure, I'd be glad to call her and ask her to sit on a toilet in a commercial.
Oh, that would be great, thanks.
And again, keep this between us.
Oh, I'm not even gonna tell Stevie Nicks.
Grace, you promised me! Frankie, how's it going with the toilet? Oh, your sweet toilet nothings won't work on me.
I may not have been able to hear you, but this robot in my ear did.
I heard everything you just said.
And I think I've just picked up an FM radio station.
Leave some extra time for yourself if you're heading to San Miguel.
Ugh! [GRUNTS.]
Oh, God.
[JACK CHUCKLES.]
Were you at Reggae on the River in '94? Ya, mon.
Now you get a hearing aid? For years, I had to throw cheese at you to get your attention.
I got it so I can hear Jack, not to hear you do the one thing I asked you not to do.
You do seven things a day I ask you not to do.
Actually, I do more.
You catch seven.
But I caught you this time.
Frankie, if we don't do something big soon, "Rise Up" is not gonna happen.
This is our company's second act.
I mean, it's-it's-it's our second act.
Isn't it worth asking Jack for just a little celebrity endorsement? Not at the expense of my relationship.
Oh What about my relationship? Nick landed an hour ago, and I'm still here, trying to make something happen.
So go home and ask him to invest.
You know I don't want to do that.
Right, because you think it will sabotage your relationship, but apparently, it's okay to sabotage mine.
[GRACE EXHALES.]
I liked you better when you couldn't hear.
Bud, we didn't have sex that night.
Excuse me, it still counts if you don't climax.
Right, Allison? You're not helping yourself.
We didn't have sex because you didn't actually, you know stick the landing.
- Oh, honey.
- Oh, Bud.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
W-What are you talking about? I-I-I remember having sex.
Oh, you had sex.
Just not with me.
But I remember it very clearly.
We drank.
We were exhausted from all those hours of Felicity's emotions.
I wore two condoms because I was worried about germs.
- There's the man I married.
- So far this all tracks.
And we were on your soft, cushy sofa.
Bud, you fucked the couch.
- Oh, God.
- Story still tracks.
I fucked the couch.
[FRANKIE EXHALES.]
Why don't we get to know each other a little better? Dumb-tiddy-dumb- tiddy-dumb-tiddy-dumb Except for Grace, 'cause she's Dumb-diddy-dumb-diddy- dumb-diddy-dumb [LAUGHS.]
Can you get her a record deal off that? - [JACK CHUCKLES.]
- [FRANKIE INHALES.]
Jack, you know, you and Robert share a love of music.
In fact, he's an accomplished singer in his own right.
He even has a Tappy.
Wow, what's a Tappy? - Do you know what a Tony is? - Yes.
Okay, well, then you know what a Tappy is.
Except the awards show is in a Dress Barn.
"Robert Hanson".
Hanson? Hanson.
- Hanson.
- Ow, my cancer! Oh, no, Solly! - Oh, everyone, quick, go home! - [SOL.]
Ow! Ow! - [SOL.]
Oh! - Hanson and Bergstein? You bloodsucking motherfuckers! Robert, you are very bad at planning these quiet days at home.
Well, I spoke to Erin.
They've, uh, calmed down a bit.
They're even letting us keep the rock, so that's good.
Great.
And remember, we'll have to take turns driving the kid to mommy and me.
And, of course, we'll have to pay for Junior's therapy after losing both mommies to a great white shark and a carton of Reds.
Let's not forget how much you're gonna fuck the kid up.
- That's not funny, Barry.
- Agreed.
And the part I find particularly unfunny is that the only reason you agreed to become a guardian is because you thought it was never gonna happen.
Yeah.
That's why everyone agrees to be a guardian.
Not me.
Wait, wait, is this the reason you had me do that math? You never told me that these women have a death wish.
Interesting, because you never told me the supposedly nice thing you did for me was solely for your own benefit.
Shit.
That reminds me, we're gonna be late for our massages.
You know what, I'm sorry.
No, don't be.
I mean, I forgot about it, too.
I'm sorry I ever asked you to do this.
Okay.
Now I feel bad.
You know, I get it, you don't like to commit to things.
You made that perfectly clear the first three times I proposed to you.
And I'm okay with that.
But it was stupid of me to ask you to commit to this.
Well, don't beat yourself up.
But I am committed to this.
I know you are.
So can we not stress about it and? We have a policy about not talking about the future in this relationship, right? So let's not start now.
Yes, exactly.
I mean, who knows where this kid is even gonna be in the future? Right.
Who knows where we'll be in the future? Or if we'll even be in the future.
That's how we do things, right? Right.
[HEAVY BREATHS.]
What's happening? Those two those two ruined my life! What did these two life-ruiners do to you? Sol, I know you're hurt and can't run, but do you mind if I do? I'll race you.
Uh, will someone please tell me what's going on? - They they they - [GRACE CLEARS THROAT.]
Remember Remember the Sugarman divorce from a million years ago? No.
- You know, Pamela Sugarman.
- [SCOFFS.]
- The big case that went on forever.
- [YELLS.]
And ever! We bought the beach house with that money.
[YELLS.]
My money! Oh, my God.
You're Mr.
Pamela Sugarman? That's right.
And your ex-husband ripped out my guts, flame-broiled them, ate them, and then stuck me with the bill.
Her ex-husband did it, too.
Sol Bergstein is the guy you've been raving about? The great guy you'd still be married to if he wasn't gay? - I want my tambourine back.
- Get the man his tambourine.
Look, I'm as shocked as you are, but Sol was just doing his job.
Was it his job to destroy my life? I don't know the particulars.
I can't be around that guy! Oh, don't you think that's a little childish? Is not! Those two guys are toxic for me.
But Sol is part of my family.
Look, if you need Sol in your life, we're not gonna work.
- [FRANKIE GASPS.]
- Oh.
Jack, are you an idiot? Yes! Your ex-husband had me legally declared an idiot.
[WHISPERS.]
Oh, yeah.
We needed to redo the patio.
I get it, Jack.
Sol did a terrible thing to you.
He did a terrible thing to me too.
But I was able to move past it.
So you can go out that door, but if you don't let go of your anger, it doesn't matter how far you walk, it'll follow you.
But I won't.
I'm so sorry.
[JACK GRUNTS.]
I love that toilet! It's a brilliant idea.
I mean, someday, everyone's going to need that, right? There's your stupid endorsement.
I had sex with a couch.
Hey, at least you and Coyote made up.
And now you don't have resentment towards Jessica anymore.
Of course, I can never look her in the face again, because I had sex with a couch.
Forget it.
It's ancient history.
Revisionist history.
If I didn't do it with Jessica, that means I was still a virgin for another four months, until one night of meaningless sex with Laurie Hoonhout.
Your first time was still better than mine.
I uh lost my virginity to a clown.
What do you mean, "a clown"? Like Like the class clown or a "clown" clown? I'm talking red nose, squirting flower, came out of a tiny car with 67 other Bozos, Chuckles, and Krustys.
And what And what was your clown's name? Uncle Bubbles.
[STIFLED LAUGHS.]
You win.
Okay, maybe you got off to a bumpy start, but you sure know what goes where now.
[ALLISON LAUGHS.]
I am the luckiest man on the planet to have you as my wife.
Mmm.
Should we pull over? Absolutely.
That back seat's looking pretty good.
But I look better, right? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I was proud of you.
You did the right thing with Jack.
You can go home now, Grace.
I know Nick's back.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah.
But I'm here with you.
I'm not in the mood to work on "Rise Up".
I don't care about "Rise Up" right now.
I care about you.
And I'm not going anywhere until you feel okay.
I don't feel okay.
I really liked him.
[FRANKIE EXHALES.]
And I hate that you have to go home.
I really like you, too.
And I hate that I have to go, too.
[FRANKIE CHUCKLES.]
[JACK.]
You really should lock your front door.
There's no way of knowing who might wander in here.
I'm glad it was you.
I [EXHALES.]
I'm sorry.
I was a jerk, and then I overreacted.
And you're right, I-I-I need to get over it.
I don't want to lose you.
I don't want you to lose me, either.
I lose myself enough.
So, we okay? Can I have the tambourine back for Sol? [EXHALES.]
Sure can.
Then we're okay.
[JACK CHUCKLES.]
I have to admit, this is a really nice patio.
Even if it was built from the salt of my tears.
- It is pretty rad.
- Yeah.
And maybe things turned out better than you think.
How so? If I didn't have this house, I'd have nothing to invite you in to.
You feel me? ["YOU BABY" BY THE MAMAS & THE PAPAS PLAYS.]
[FRANKIE LAUGHS.]
From the time I fall asleep till the morning comes I dream about you, baby Ooh, ooh And I feel all right 'cause I know tonight I'll be with you, baby Ooh, ooh And who makes me feel like smiling When the weary day is through - You - You baby, you I'm talking about my baby, yeah Baby, nobody but you It's the greatest thing since rock 'n' roll Yeah, baby - You - You baby, you - I'm talking about my baby, yeah - No one but you, baby Nobody but you - You - You baby, you [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night!
Well, I don't know why I came here tonight Got the feelin' that somethin' ain't right I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right Here I am stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh Frankie, I thought you were gonna get up early to get a head start.
On my world-famous banana potpie.
It has real bananas in it, and real pot.
In what world is that famous? A world of monkeys and stoners.
And Sol.
We can't go see him empty-handed.
Hand me the Mountain Dew.
You know, with all due respect, I've seen Sol pre-surgery, during his surgery, and post-surgery.
And this is post-post-surgery, and I am not-not going.
So you are going? No.
Not until we figure out this PR nightmare.
We are not gonna achieve statehood for Puerto Rico in one day.
We have to roll up our sleeves and solve this toilet problem, 'cause my husband is coming back today, and I actually would like to see him.
Oh, but today is for Sol.
I've got big surprises planned for him, including the pièce de résistance.
"Pièce de résistance"? Oh, you've been watching Ratatouille again.
Jack is bringing Sol a tambourine signed by the Mamas and one Papa.
Why didn't somebody bring me a tambourine when I had my knee replaced? I gave you one.
But all you used it for was to let me know when you were out of vodka.
Oh, right.
But still, it wasn't signed by a celebrity.
Because that was before I knew Jack.
He knows everybody.
All the crème de la crème.
Oh, you did watch Ratatouille again.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oui.
Jack's le bombe.
Every Friday, he drives up to LA just to have lunch with Neil Diamond and Henry Winkler.
That's it.
Frankie! - This could save our toilet.
- What could? We could We could get a celebrity to endorse it.
- Imagine if we got Fonzie to sit on it.
- I'm not asking Jack.
Our relationship is too new.
Well, it wasn't too new for you to ask him to bring a gift to Sol.
Sol doesn't have a prostate.
Well, I don't have one either! Grace, I really like this guy.
And one of the things he likes about me is that I don't care about his connections.
Well, do you care about "Rise Up"? Are you kidding? Thanks to "Rise Up", the band is touring again.
Therefore, this band member is going with you.
Sorry, but now it's a solo gig.
This way, you can't bother Jack.
Oh, I won't, I promise.
Unless, of course, Jack knows Elton John, but then we might have to rename it the Elton John.
[GRACE CHUCKLES.]
Your favorite nurse is here.
I don't know.
Elena at the hospital was truly special.
Well, where is she now, in your real time of need? At her daughter's quinceañera.
By the way, we gave her a hundred bucks and three "get well" balloons.
Oh.
I bet this ostrich is up to no good.
- [SQUAWKS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
[WHIMPERS.]
Oh.
Funny videos aren't funny when it hurts to laugh.
Then why are you watching funny videos? [SNIFFS.]
Marge posted it, and Marge only posts gold.
Why don't you watch an old movie or something? I tried watching Grumpy Old Men, but it reminded me of us.
Except for the part where we were both interested in Ann-Margret.
Sol, what you need is a nice quiet day at home for healing.
And I promise you dull and boring.
That's why I married you.
[KNOCKING.]
Surprise! Oh, dear God.
You know, I've thought a lot about it, and I know it means a lot to you.
So you should be the guardian to Erin and Liz's kid.
You mean it? Sign the papers.
You're not messing around with me like the time you said you dug my furry Chewbacca sweatshirt? I don't know who shaved it, but I swear it wasn't me.
Thank you so much.
I'm gonna call Erin and Liz.
Send them my love.
Um, you know you just used the word "love", right? I use it sometimes.
Like when I'm doing something for Barry, whom I'm fond of.
Yeah, he's okay.
But you sounded uncharacteristically magnanimous.
That's because I was characteristically devious.
Ooh.
Now that I've said yes to Barry being their baby's guardian, I can milk it.
He owes me for, like [EXHALES.]
ever.
Yeah, but aren't you on the hook for this kid if something happens? Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Here's the genius, nothing can happen.
The odds of two women in their 30s dying before their kid turns 18 is 936,000 to one.
I did the math.
- You did not.
- I did not.
I tricked Barry into doing the math.
Yeah.
- Voilà ! - Fucking French rat.
Surprise number one.
Actually, it's surprise number two.
Surprise number one is that you're here.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Your banana potpie is my favorite.
Almost as good as her Chinese chicken cake.
So, how's the recovery going? Slow and painful.
To keep my mind off it, - I was watching one of Marge's videos.
- [GASPS.]
Marge posted another video? Let me see.
Let me see! Keep your eye on the postal worker's hamburger as she passes the ostrich.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, God.
Oh, Marge only posts gold.
Oh, you've got to share this.
What he's got to do is rest.
All right.
I'll share it.
[LAUGHS.]
- Frankie is dying.
- [KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
But I can't watch.
- I'm in too much pain.
- [POST TRANSMITS.]
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Oh, I'll get it! I'll get it! [CHUCKLES.]
[EXHALES.]
Without further ado, surprise number deux! [FRANKIE LAUGHS.]
No, it's it's not personal, Bud.
It's just that your driving sucks.
How is that not personal? You're obviously still mad about the Jessica thing.
[SCOFFS.]
What makes you think that? Because for 55 minutes in therapy, you kept saying you were still mad about the Jessica thing.
What do I have to do to fix this? Be over it.
Like, why are you still hung up on her? - 'Cause you lost your virginity to her? - I'm not hung up on her.
Prove it.
Once and for all.
Fine.
I will call the beach house and tell Coyote and Jessica that we're coming over.
Yeah.
How do you know they're there? I follow her Instagram.
You're gonna love the "Rise Up", but not nearly as much as surprise number three.
It's even more fun than the toilet.
- That's hard to imagine.
- Yeah, uh Speaking of, when When is the surprise gonna get here? Any time now.
But Grace, remember, na-boo tah-tah ah-noo Jack-Jack dah-boh.
Are you having another stroke? It's Furbish, the language spoken by all Furbies and friends of Furby, which you clearly are not.
Well, at least we're off the French.
Simply translated, "Don't ask Jack for anything".
- Who's Jack? - Well, he's an Aquarius, or a Type Four Enneagram, if that paints a better picture for you.
- It does not.
- No, it's Jack Ayres.
Frankie's new boyfriend.
You're gonna love him.
Jack Ayres? Is that the Jack Ayres who was in the music business? I guess he's a celebrity in his own right.
Grace, maybe he'll sit on our toilet.
You know, the music business is full of characters.
Lots of, you know, playas.
Please don't ever say that again.
You guys are so sweet to worry, but I promise, he's a great guy.
That's why I want you to meet him.
Frankie uh, has this guy ever been married? Yes, to a terrible woman who almost ruined his life.
She and her bastard lawyers took him for everything he had.
I think we have our next surprise.
We're the bastards.
What? A gift for me? Just for being you.
[EXHALES.]
"6:00 p.
m.
couples massage at Helaine & Maris".
- I like.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
"Dinner at Justin Ryan's".
I like more.
- You forgot to write on this one.
- Oh, no.
Did I? Or is the rest of the night just a mystery? I mean, not for me, because I planned it.
But [CLEARS THROAT.]
for you.
[KNOCKING.]
- Hello, people of Earth.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Guilty.
[LAUGHS.]
We just came by to deliver a small thank you for being the baby's guardian.
[GASPS.]
And - for you.
- Wow.
- Where does it open? - No.
- That's just It is what it is.
- Yeah.
- Very nice.
Thank you.
- [LIZ.]
Yeah.
- Did you get this from our parking lot? - A little further.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's actually a volcanic rock I picked up at the summit of Mount Cotopaxi.
Oh, is that from where you parachuted and almost landed inside the volcano? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- That was a close one.
- [EXHALES IN RELIEF.]
Oh, God, wow.
Is that a joke or? - No, it happened.
- [ERIN AND LIZ.]
Yeah.
I didn't know that you had broken your leg, Liz.
Is that that's from the parachuting? [CHUCKLES.]
No, no.
Helicopter skiing.
Oh.
It's not broken.
It's shattered.
Oof.
- Just [EXPLOSIVE SOUND.]
- Yeah.
Ugh.
- You Did you say helicopter skiing? - Yeah.
Well, not, of course, while I'm pregnant.
[CHUCKLES.]
But as soon as this bambino bungees out of me, I'm gonna get back in shape and go to Pamplona.
Oh, Pamplona! Run with the bulls, right on.
[ERIN AND LIZ CHUCKLE.]
[CHUCKLES.]
How long after the baby is born? Like 18 years after? That sounds good.
The kid goes to college, Liz flies into a volcano, everybody's happy.
Hmm.
You're so full of life.
[MOUTHING.]
But for how much longer? That's what I wonder.
[SOFTLY.]
Grace, do you remember Pamela Sugarman? The woman Sol and I represented? Well, why don't you just ask me if I remember the beach house? That divorce paid for it.
Guess who Pamela Sugarman was married to? [WHISPERS.]
I'll give you a hint.
He's gonna be here any minute.
Jack is the guy you raked over the coals? At our client's insistence.
- So now what? Do we tell Frankie? - [GRACE EXHALES.]
Of course we tell Frankie.
It's telling Jack I'm worried about! [WHISPERS.]
We do not tell Frankie.
She is extremely happy with this guy, and I need a face for my toilet.
Remember when the judge awarded Pamela everything? Jack broke out in hives, and the bailiff had to handcuff him to stop him from scratching himself to death.
So, what do we do if Jack recognizes us? [SCOFFS.]
That was 20 years ago.
And neither one of you has aged well.
We were only in court together one time, and he only saw my left profile.
Plus he was crying a lot, so it was probably blurry.
And I think I had a beard back then.
You did.
Me.
[LAUGHS.]
- Well here we all are - [ALLISON CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
which is totally chill.
[JESSICA CHUCKLES.]
Uh, Allison, of course you know my brother, Coyote.
And this is his girlfriend, Jessica.
Jessica, this is my beautiful, radiant, patient I'm Allison.
Hi.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hi.
- Hi.
- We have a daughter together.
- Yeah.
Who we made from doing it.
Is this why you came here? To do whatever this is? - It's really great to meet you.
- Yeah.
Anyway, I-I came here to tell you and to show you that I'm in a very good place.
I'm happy.
We're happy.
Yeah, we're really happy.
And I want you guys to be happy.
So, Coyote, I'm sorry, and I want to bury the hatchet.
Me, too.
Hug it out? [HUGGING GRUNTS.]
[BUD CHUCKLES.]
And Jessica, I-I'm so glad that we could bury the hatchet, too.
Oh.
[SLIGHT CHUCKLE.]
Uh, exactly what hatchet are we burying? Well, you know how things ended.
Ended? They barely started.
We dated for, like, six weeks.
Oh.
I mean, how abruptly and brutally you broke up with me.
Well, I wouldn't say it was brutal.
H-How was it not? I mean, just the night before, we had such an incredible time.
Remember, on your pleather couch? We polished off a glass of Carlo Rossi, we were both feeling a bit toasted? We had just watched the Felicity marathon? It was a big moment.
Ah, it wasn't that big.
[SCOFFS.]
No, they ran that marathon, like, a thousand times.
- Oh, I know, I keep missing it.
- Me, too.
I lost my virginity to you that night! - You what? - You probably didn't know this, - but I was still a virgin.
- [WHISPERS.]
He was a virgin.
And you probably don't know this, after that night, you still were a virgin.
Ah.
[SLIGHT CHUCKLE.]
And to think, I was worried it would be weird coming here.
Frankie, maybe you should call Jack.
I'm not sure I have the strength for another surprise.
I've already had the banana potpie and the toilet.
And while those two pair delightfully [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, too late! Hey, Mr.
Tambourine Man.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Come in.
Come in! Hey, everybody, come here and meet Jack.
Jack, this is I'm Bobby.
He's Solly.
Oh, be cool, fools.
You cats don't have to be hip in front of Jack just because he was in the music biz.
Ya feel me? Uh, well, Solly, then I think this is for you.
Thank you so much.
I love it.
[JACK.]
Ah, it's an honor.
Frankie raves about you.
And that's rare to hear about an ex.
I raved about my ex-wife too, but I was in an institution.
Uh, thanks to Frankie, I'm I'm open about that now.
Sounds like you're in a very good place and don't want to look back.
I feel like I've met you two before.
Were you in that gay Simon & Garfunkel cover band in the '70s? - No.
- Yes.
Actually, Bobby is an actor, and Solly dabbles in activism.
Yeah, Bobby, why don't you get out of here and whip up a snack for Jack? [SOL.]
Oh, let me show you where the snacks are.
I swear, if it wasn't for those month-long benders with Iggy Pop, I'd be able to tell you how I know them.
[SLIGHT CHUCKLE.]
Thank heaven for Mr.
Pop.
[LAUGHS.]
Frankie, you need to check on the plumber.
- Why me? - Why not you? Sold.
But remember, na-boo ta-tah Jack-Jack.
One of my biggest regrets in life is that I never learned Furbish.
So, I-I hear you know a lot of celebrities.
Would one of them want to be a spokesperson for a sexy new product for the elderly? What kind of sexy product? Well, that's between me and the celebrity you get us.
Oh.
Hmm.
- [EXHALES.]
- Filters are bullshit.
They're better for the baby.
She's lighting up again, Barry.
She's lighting up again! She's nervous about the baby.
[EXHALES.]
You never told me they were death-defying lesbians.
Swimming to Alcatraz during El Niño does not make them death-defying.
You allowed me to allow you to sign those papers, knowing that Chain Smoker and Death Wish out there are having your baby.
Liz and Erin are going to be great moms because they drink life up.
Oh, my God.
Am I the only one here who isn't fucking insane? How are they going to be great moms if they are not alive to raise this kid? You need to do something.
What am I gonna do, tell them not to live their lives? No, tell them not to end them.
[COUGHS.]
- [ERIN CLEARS THROAT.]
- [EXHALES.]
Okay, here's the deal.
Both of you need to start acting like you're having a child.
Okay? You stop jumping into volcanoes.
And you, quit the smokes, Marlboro Mom.
And what exactly do you know about being a mother? That I'm not going to be one.
But if I were, here's the things that I'd give up in my own life: my morning vape, following people who cut me off in traffic, my afternoon vape, shower beers What else, what else, what else, what else? Oh, I know, jumping into volcanoes.
- [EXHALES.]
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
Brianna, we really appreciate your concern But fuck off.
- It's our lives.
- [ERIN.]
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Wow.
She just ran over my foot.
Ow.
[EXHALES.]
You know what, I don't think they appreciate your concern.
I haven't spoken to Stevie Nicks in 20 years, but sure, I'd be glad to call her and ask her to sit on a toilet in a commercial.
Oh, that would be great, thanks.
And again, keep this between us.
Oh, I'm not even gonna tell Stevie Nicks.
Grace, you promised me! Frankie, how's it going with the toilet? Oh, your sweet toilet nothings won't work on me.
I may not have been able to hear you, but this robot in my ear did.
I heard everything you just said.
And I think I've just picked up an FM radio station.
Leave some extra time for yourself if you're heading to San Miguel.
Ugh! [GRUNTS.]
Oh, God.
[JACK CHUCKLES.]
Were you at Reggae on the River in '94? Ya, mon.
Now you get a hearing aid? For years, I had to throw cheese at you to get your attention.
I got it so I can hear Jack, not to hear you do the one thing I asked you not to do.
You do seven things a day I ask you not to do.
Actually, I do more.
You catch seven.
But I caught you this time.
Frankie, if we don't do something big soon, "Rise Up" is not gonna happen.
This is our company's second act.
I mean, it's-it's-it's our second act.
Isn't it worth asking Jack for just a little celebrity endorsement? Not at the expense of my relationship.
Oh What about my relationship? Nick landed an hour ago, and I'm still here, trying to make something happen.
So go home and ask him to invest.
You know I don't want to do that.
Right, because you think it will sabotage your relationship, but apparently, it's okay to sabotage mine.
[GRACE EXHALES.]
I liked you better when you couldn't hear.
Bud, we didn't have sex that night.
Excuse me, it still counts if you don't climax.
Right, Allison? You're not helping yourself.
We didn't have sex because you didn't actually, you know stick the landing.
- Oh, honey.
- Oh, Bud.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
W-What are you talking about? I-I-I remember having sex.
Oh, you had sex.
Just not with me.
But I remember it very clearly.
We drank.
We were exhausted from all those hours of Felicity's emotions.
I wore two condoms because I was worried about germs.
- There's the man I married.
- So far this all tracks.
And we were on your soft, cushy sofa.
Bud, you fucked the couch.
- Oh, God.
- Story still tracks.
I fucked the couch.
[FRANKIE EXHALES.]
Why don't we get to know each other a little better? Dumb-tiddy-dumb- tiddy-dumb-tiddy-dumb Except for Grace, 'cause she's Dumb-diddy-dumb-diddy- dumb-diddy-dumb [LAUGHS.]
Can you get her a record deal off that? - [JACK CHUCKLES.]
- [FRANKIE INHALES.]
Jack, you know, you and Robert share a love of music.
In fact, he's an accomplished singer in his own right.
He even has a Tappy.
Wow, what's a Tappy? - Do you know what a Tony is? - Yes.
Okay, well, then you know what a Tappy is.
Except the awards show is in a Dress Barn.
"Robert Hanson".
Hanson? Hanson.
- Hanson.
- Ow, my cancer! Oh, no, Solly! - Oh, everyone, quick, go home! - [SOL.]
Ow! Ow! - [SOL.]
Oh! - Hanson and Bergstein? You bloodsucking motherfuckers! Robert, you are very bad at planning these quiet days at home.
Well, I spoke to Erin.
They've, uh, calmed down a bit.
They're even letting us keep the rock, so that's good.
Great.
And remember, we'll have to take turns driving the kid to mommy and me.
And, of course, we'll have to pay for Junior's therapy after losing both mommies to a great white shark and a carton of Reds.
Let's not forget how much you're gonna fuck the kid up.
- That's not funny, Barry.
- Agreed.
And the part I find particularly unfunny is that the only reason you agreed to become a guardian is because you thought it was never gonna happen.
Yeah.
That's why everyone agrees to be a guardian.
Not me.
Wait, wait, is this the reason you had me do that math? You never told me that these women have a death wish.
Interesting, because you never told me the supposedly nice thing you did for me was solely for your own benefit.
Shit.
That reminds me, we're gonna be late for our massages.
You know what, I'm sorry.
No, don't be.
I mean, I forgot about it, too.
I'm sorry I ever asked you to do this.
Okay.
Now I feel bad.
You know, I get it, you don't like to commit to things.
You made that perfectly clear the first three times I proposed to you.
And I'm okay with that.
But it was stupid of me to ask you to commit to this.
Well, don't beat yourself up.
But I am committed to this.
I know you are.
So can we not stress about it and? We have a policy about not talking about the future in this relationship, right? So let's not start now.
Yes, exactly.
I mean, who knows where this kid is even gonna be in the future? Right.
Who knows where we'll be in the future? Or if we'll even be in the future.
That's how we do things, right? Right.
[HEAVY BREATHS.]
What's happening? Those two those two ruined my life! What did these two life-ruiners do to you? Sol, I know you're hurt and can't run, but do you mind if I do? I'll race you.
Uh, will someone please tell me what's going on? - They they they - [GRACE CLEARS THROAT.]
Remember Remember the Sugarman divorce from a million years ago? No.
- You know, Pamela Sugarman.
- [SCOFFS.]
- The big case that went on forever.
- [YELLS.]
And ever! We bought the beach house with that money.
[YELLS.]
My money! Oh, my God.
You're Mr.
Pamela Sugarman? That's right.
And your ex-husband ripped out my guts, flame-broiled them, ate them, and then stuck me with the bill.
Her ex-husband did it, too.
Sol Bergstein is the guy you've been raving about? The great guy you'd still be married to if he wasn't gay? - I want my tambourine back.
- Get the man his tambourine.
Look, I'm as shocked as you are, but Sol was just doing his job.
Was it his job to destroy my life? I don't know the particulars.
I can't be around that guy! Oh, don't you think that's a little childish? Is not! Those two guys are toxic for me.
But Sol is part of my family.
Look, if you need Sol in your life, we're not gonna work.
- [FRANKIE GASPS.]
- Oh.
Jack, are you an idiot? Yes! Your ex-husband had me legally declared an idiot.
[WHISPERS.]
Oh, yeah.
We needed to redo the patio.
I get it, Jack.
Sol did a terrible thing to you.
He did a terrible thing to me too.
But I was able to move past it.
So you can go out that door, but if you don't let go of your anger, it doesn't matter how far you walk, it'll follow you.
But I won't.
I'm so sorry.
[JACK GRUNTS.]
I love that toilet! It's a brilliant idea.
I mean, someday, everyone's going to need that, right? There's your stupid endorsement.
I had sex with a couch.
Hey, at least you and Coyote made up.
And now you don't have resentment towards Jessica anymore.
Of course, I can never look her in the face again, because I had sex with a couch.
Forget it.
It's ancient history.
Revisionist history.
If I didn't do it with Jessica, that means I was still a virgin for another four months, until one night of meaningless sex with Laurie Hoonhout.
Your first time was still better than mine.
I uh lost my virginity to a clown.
What do you mean, "a clown"? Like Like the class clown or a "clown" clown? I'm talking red nose, squirting flower, came out of a tiny car with 67 other Bozos, Chuckles, and Krustys.
And what And what was your clown's name? Uncle Bubbles.
[STIFLED LAUGHS.]
You win.
Okay, maybe you got off to a bumpy start, but you sure know what goes where now.
[ALLISON LAUGHS.]
I am the luckiest man on the planet to have you as my wife.
Mmm.
Should we pull over? Absolutely.
That back seat's looking pretty good.
But I look better, right? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I was proud of you.
You did the right thing with Jack.
You can go home now, Grace.
I know Nick's back.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah.
But I'm here with you.
I'm not in the mood to work on "Rise Up".
I don't care about "Rise Up" right now.
I care about you.
And I'm not going anywhere until you feel okay.
I don't feel okay.
I really liked him.
[FRANKIE EXHALES.]
And I hate that you have to go home.
I really like you, too.
And I hate that I have to go, too.
[FRANKIE CHUCKLES.]
[JACK.]
You really should lock your front door.
There's no way of knowing who might wander in here.
I'm glad it was you.
I [EXHALES.]
I'm sorry.
I was a jerk, and then I overreacted.
And you're right, I-I-I need to get over it.
I don't want to lose you.
I don't want you to lose me, either.
I lose myself enough.
So, we okay? Can I have the tambourine back for Sol? [EXHALES.]
Sure can.
Then we're okay.
[JACK CHUCKLES.]
I have to admit, this is a really nice patio.
Even if it was built from the salt of my tears.
- It is pretty rad.
- Yeah.
And maybe things turned out better than you think.
How so? If I didn't have this house, I'd have nothing to invite you in to.
You feel me? ["YOU BABY" BY THE MAMAS & THE PAPAS PLAYS.]
[FRANKIE LAUGHS.]
From the time I fall asleep till the morning comes I dream about you, baby Ooh, ooh And I feel all right 'cause I know tonight I'll be with you, baby Ooh, ooh And who makes me feel like smiling When the weary day is through - You - You baby, you I'm talking about my baby, yeah Baby, nobody but you It's the greatest thing since rock 'n' roll Yeah, baby - You - You baby, you - I'm talking about my baby, yeah - No one but you, baby Nobody but you - You - You baby, you [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night!