Mom s06e07 Episode Script

So, I'm out sick one day, and that's the day they decide to pick study partners.
Now I have my choice between the weird dude who always wears a bow tie or the girl who writes with a feather pen.
Take bow tie guy.
- He's a smarty.
- How do you know? Oh, come on, when judging a man's intelligence, it goes bow tie, straight tie, no tie, bolo tie.
Of course, if you're looking for sex, it goes the other way.
That's true.
My Victor used to wear a bolo tie on occasion.
Did it get awkward because he's dead or because I'm talking about my sex life? Little bit of both.
Geez, Tammy, you could just take the lid off and dip 'em.
Sorry.
In prison, you only get one crack at the shaker.
I'm living the dream.
Oh, before I forget, I'm cleaning out my closet tomorrow.
- If anybody wants anything - I'm in.
No bags, no jewelry.
I'm out.
What size shoe do you wear? The size you wore when you were eight years old.
Oh, you're a man's size ten? - I'll come.
- Me too.
Great.
Party in my closet.
That used to mean I was so drunk I couldn't find my way out.
You ladies want some dessert? - No, just the check.
- Here you go.
Oh, are we in a hurry? I was enjoying the company.
Really? You wouldn't rather get home to your loving hu hu-hu-hu horde of cats? (mouthing) Nice save.
- I'm sorry.
- Are you doing okay? Okay.
It's just been real lonely since Victor passed.
Well, I don't have any plans tomorrow if you want to come over and hang out.
That would be wonderful.
(chuckles) Look who's still in bed as the clock strikes noon.
Shh.
Desert Animal Rescue is on.
They're pulling a coyote out of a septic tank.
Poor fella doesn't know they're trying to help.
Oh, damn it.
I'm not thrilled you're in here either, but it is where we keep the coffee.
It's not about you.
I'm trying to fight with Adam, but auto correct keeps making my texts nice.
I meant to say "butt munch," not "butter munchkin.
" Aw.
He's your little butter munchkin.
Who just canceled our dinner plans so he could meet with the bar-stool salesman.
He's opening a bar.
Drunks need something to fall off of.
I don't want to sound selfish, but I liked it better when his life was empty and he had nothing to do but pay attention to me.
TAMMY: Come on, swim to the harness.
They're your friends.
(whispers): What is the plan with her? - There is no plan.
- So she's gonna live here forever? I hope not, but maybe.
You know she refers to our couch as her room? I'm sorry, but I can't just kick her out.
I don't want you to.
Actually, I do, but it makes me feel bad about myself.
TAMMY: Hey, Christy, I'm super cozy out here.
You mind grabbing me some more Froot Loops? Coming.
Figure it out, butter munchkin.
(phone chimes) "Who dis?" Not funny.
When.
Thanks, Christy.
My pleasure.
Hey, can I tell you something? I am so grateful to you and your mom for taking me in.
I don't know where I'd be without you.
Of course.
Stay as long as you need.
(knocking) So weak.
Hey, Marjorie, come on in.
- Marge! - Hey, hello, ladies.
Mom, your play date is here.
I've been really looking forward to this.
All right, you kids have fun.
No prank phone calls, and don't use the oven.
Well, look at you, 40 minutes early.
Oh, sorry, just excited.
I've had today circled on my calendar since last night.
So, what do you want to do? Well, I figured I'd be here all day, so I brought a puzzle.
- Oh, my God, a puzzle? - Oh, my God, all day? Thanks for helping me out.
Happy to.
In fact, I already cleaned out my closet to make room for all the stuff I'm gonna get from your closet.
And also, I'm your friend and I love you.
I should warn you: my closet's a little messy.
CHRISTY: Oh, I'm sure it's no big Holy balls.
Did you fire your housekeeper? Or is she buried under all this stuff? I don't let Belinda come in here anymore.
Caught her wearing one of my hats and imitating me.
Okay, let's do this.
Jill, go get us four trash bags and we'll start sorting.
I'm on it.
Why four bags? Stuff to toss, stuff to donate.
Your haul, my haul.
What do we do if we both want the same thing? Don't test me, Wendy.
Don't test me.
"Dogs Galore," huh? What happened, you couldn't fine "Cats Galore"? I've already done Cats Galore.
And Cats Galore Two.
Cats Aplenty is on back-order till March.
Hey, look, I put together this little fella's face.
Oh, that's great, Tammy, but standard puzzling procedure dictates that we start with the edges.
It goes edges, then corners, then color clusters E-C-C.
Congratulations, you just took an unfun thing and made it less fun.
In prison, every puzzle led to a fistfight.
Then again, so did daylight.
Well, worst prison riot I was ever in was over a game of Scrabble.
We were almost finished, and then the new girl swallowed the W 'cause someone told her it was laced with acid.
I hate Scrabble.
It's got spelling and math.
It's just school in a box.
No offense, Marjorie, but you don't seem like the prison type.
Thanks to 39 years of recovery.
And these glasses on a chain.
So, what-what were you in for? Bank robbery.
Here's a corner.
Wait, you robbed a bank? The money was for a righteous political cause.
And, uh, I really wanted tickets to Steppenwolf.
Man, that is so cool.
You had a reason.
I robbed an Outback Steakhouse 'cause I was high and there was an Outback Steakhouse.
Ugh, I hate puzzles! They're so frustrating and boring.
Ooh, I got one.
CHRISTY: Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am so wearing this to class Monday.
Better to my reading because I'm definitely getting called on.
(laughs) Oh, that looks so good on you.
I'm gonna keep it.
Got to stop trying stuff on.
Did you change your mind about this, too? I did not.
Jill, is that a real fur? Sure is.
And I never got a chance to wear it.
Couple of angry animal people got me on the way out of the store.
Good for them.
You know what, I do want to keep that jacket.
Go limp.
Fine, keep it.
Thank you.
Oh, here's something I'm not gonna want back.
Ooh, I like that.
Oh, it still has the price tag on it.
Wow, this is, like, 110 hoodies.
And a car.
Yeah, I bought that the day my divorce became final.
Ugh, the day Baxter and I got divorced, I treated myself to a Shamrock Shake.
- You okay? - Yeah, it's just hard to think about that time.
Well, let's not, then.
What's in here? That's my wedding dress.
Zip it, zip it, zip it! Come on, guys, it's a closet party.
Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.
I'm sorry, you're right.
Oh, my God.
When did you cross a prairie in a covered wagon? What were you thinking? I bought that when I was pregnant.
I was gonna wear it to my baby shower.
I must have sh-shoved everything in that drawer after I had the miscarriage.
Oh.
Go limp.
- It's okay, let it out.
- (crying) (whispering): It's so soft.
I know.
Maybe you'd feel better if we got back to to cleaning your closet.
This isn't a closet.
It's a museum of all my failures.
Or it's a museum of the things that made you the person you are today.
A divorced, childless failure.
I was going for a strong, sober woman who has a chandelier in her closet.
It doesn't mean anything.
Want me to go downstairs and get you some water? You don't have to go anywhere.
Just open that cabinet.
Ooh.
A chandelier and a refrigerator.
If that doesn't say winner, I don't know what does.
You just have no idea what it's like to still be such a train wreck.
What are you talking about? My middle name is train wreck.
I'm in two 12-step programs and I get all my dental work done in Mexico.
But you never relapsed.
You don't know how hard it is to get sober again.
I mean, that's why I shop so much To distract myself.
Look Leather pants.
I mean, who am I, Pat Benatar? I love her.
If you've been this upset, why haven't you shared about it? 'Cause I'm embarrassed.
You guys are all doing so well.
All I've done is throw away three years of sobriety.
But you're back, and that's the important part.
Big whoop.
My life's a complete waste of time.
Okay, you know what? Ting-a-ling-a-ling.
What's that? That bell means it's time to shut down the pity party.
Ting-a-ling-a-ling.
Are you trying to tough love me? I sure as hell am.
Oh, you're so cute.
Damn it.
This isn't a hat, it's a puppy tongue.
Well, I got a boatload of tongues over here if anyone needs 'em.
- Seriously, you're hoarding tongues? - Yeah, what of it? Easy, easy.
What do you say we take a break and have some lunch? No.
No food till we're finished.
Look at you couple hours, you're a full-on puzzle junkie.
Yeah.
That's how I roll.
If it's fun, I make it a problem.
You know we're all thinking it, but I'm gonna say it out loud: I wish puzzle club could be every day.
We're not calling it puzzle club.
Yes we are.
Marjorie and I decided when you were in the bathroom.
I'm making us buttons.
Hey, does Adam like puzzles? I wouldn't mind our club bending co-ed.
Adam doesn't have time for puzzles right now.
Or me.
- Oh, boo-hoo.
- What? At least he's alive.
Really? You're gonna play the widow card? Well, I find it wins most arguments.
Especially now that my cancer went into remission.
So what are you saying, I can't complain I never see him anymore? I'm just saying have some perspective.
Oh, sure, I'm good at that.
Hey, how did you and Victor meet? Well, he just evicted Bonnie and Christy from their house, and we kind of hit it off.
That's adorable.
Yeah.
We were living in a motel known for its abundance of meth, but at least Marjorie had someone to watch Blue Bloods with.
Anyway it was such a surprise for me.
I got to have a last love.
I'll always be grateful for that.
Why does he have to be your last love? Tammy, I'm a cat lady who just founded a puzzle club.
Co-founded.
- Anyway, the odds are against me.
- Well, you don't know that.
Victor surprised you, maybe someone else will.
Yeah, Marjorie.
Maybe you should have some perspective.
Okay, you guys, look, it's getting a little heavy.
Let's change the subject.
Now tell me about this cancer.
Ms.
Kendall, to women's shoes.
(sighs) Well, I can see the floor again.
I guess that's progress.
How about we all go out tonight so I can thank y'all for helping? - I have to work.
- Me, too.
But it's Saturday night.
That seems unfair.
- I'm a nurse.
- I'm a waitress.
People like to eat on Saturday nights.
And then have massive heart attacks.
You know, this might surprise you guys, but I've never had a job.
- Really? - No.
Hand to God.
Maybe you should think about getting one.
Why? Because you were crying earlier that your life was meaningless, and maybe a job would give it some purpose.
Or, at the very least, give you a boss you can bitch about.
Ugh, I hate Teresa.
But what would I do? Well, you love clothes.
Maybe you could work at a clothing store.
Or open one.
Hmm.
And wait on people like me? I'm a nightmare.
No, thank you.
Well, what other job skills do you have? I can ride horses, play tennis and fence.
Great, you could be a camp counselor.
Have you thought about going back to school? No way.
Christy makes that look miserable.
I'm not miserable.
You complain about it all the time.
All the time.
Don't test me, Wendy.
Don't test me.
Jill's right.
You're so cute.
Can I see the box? I need to look at the picture.
An advanced puzzler would tell you it's cheating to look at the picture.
Well, I would tell that advanced puzzler to bite my ass.
Now give me the box.
(gasps) Bam! Rainbow squeaky toy, done.
Ooh, which means my rottweiler fits right in there.
Which connects to my pug tail.
Way to go, Puss in Boots.
- Puss in Boots? - Yeah.
I'm trying out nicknames for you.
That's obviously not it.
I didn't hate it.
Here's a thought.
What if Puzzle Club could be every day for the two of you? What are you getting at? Well, you're all by yourself now, and you could use a room with a door.
So I'm saying, you know Oh, come on, people, follow the breadcrumbs.
You two should live together.
- Oh.
- Oh.
I'm not gonna say how I feel about it till you say how you feel about it.
- I think that's a great idea.
- Me too! Just one thing.
How do you feel about cats? - I always wanted one.
- Well, now you have eight.
Actually, nine.
A stray wandered in the night Victor died.
I'm not saying it's him, but it's him.
I have nine cats and a puzzle club.
My life is awesome! Don't worry, this isn't garbage.
We're just making a donation.
Wow, did you do a neighborhood clothing drive? Nope, just one woman's obscenely large closet.
There's four more bags in the car.
One of them's just sports bras.
I shop to fill a hole, but that's not your problem.
This is all designer stuff.
Yeah, but not from this year.
Is that still okay? Yeah, we can make that work.
Most of the women who come to our shelter show up with nothing.
That's heartbreaking.
Oh, but this is the kind of stuff that will really help them get back on their feet.
They can wear it to job interviews, or if they win an Oscar.
I have a bunch of maternity clothes, too, if anyone here is pregnant.
Oh, we've got pregnant.
Thank you so much.
I better get sorting.
This is gonna take a while.
Okay, well, it's nice meeting you.
(quietly): You have a lot of free time.
You could help.
I have a lot of free time.
I could help.
How about Monday through Friday, 9:00 to 5:00? - Okay.
- Really? I was kidding, but that would be amazing.
Look at that.
I got a job.
Ha, ha! - Congratulations.
- Yay! Okay, I'm gonna go get the rest of the bags.
Does she understand this is a volunteer position? She's got a chandelier in her closet.
She's gonna be fine.
Bonnie, it doesn't go there.
- Yes, it does.
- What Come on.
If you bend the pieces, I can't frame it.
(gasps) Ooh, can we put it in my room? I'm pretty sure the puzzle stays where the puzzle was completed.
Oh, time-out.
Potty break.
(groans) You know, we could just finish it while she's gone.
- She called a time-out.
- So? And just like that, puzzle club gets political.
I think you're really gonna like living with Marjorie.
Oh, I think so, too.
I want to say what a pleasure it's been to be part of your miraculous transformation, and, um I'm really gonna miss you.
I'm only moving a half mile away.
(strains): Mm-hmm.
- CHRISTY: Hey.
- Hey.
Ooh.
You guys are doing a puzzle.
It's called "Dogs Galore.
" I see why.
- Ooh, I got one.
- Ah, puzzle club only.
- Puzzle club? - Puzzle club.
We're getting buttons.
Hey, Christy, I'm moving in with Marjorie.
Oh, okay.
Are you gonna cry like your mom did? I am having big feelings.
(mouths) Oh, you are the finest person who has walked the face of this Earth.
Thank you.
BONNIE: Damn it, we're missing the last piece! TAMMY: Look on the floor! It's got to be here somewhere.
I knew they'd try to finish without me.