My Family (2000) s06e07 Episode Script

Morning, Mother.
Susan, do you think this tastes all right? - You've forgotten to put the gin in it.
- That'll be it.
If I'm going to be staying here for any length of time, I am going to need all the help I can get.
What do you mean? Ben's only away on his training course for a week.
Learning to use a knife and fork.
It's wonderful.
But the point is, until he gets back, I'm here for you, darling.
As in running up the phone bill, insulting the neighbours and draining the drinks cabinet? - I hardly use the phone! - Morning.
- Morning, dear.
Orange juice? - I'll get it.
Mum, why are you all dressed up? - I'm going to work.
- You've got a job? Yes.
You see, Janey mothers usually go back to work full time when their kids start school.
I didn't feel I could leave you lot alone until last month.
Are you suggesting that raising us was difficult? No.
I'm suggesting it almost sucked the life out of me.
There are ways to get that life back, Susan.
Yes, Mother, but I want to remember mine.
The gallery treats me with respect and they give me money.
- It's a very new concept for me.
- What's with the dress? There's a private viewing at the gallery tonight.
Now, they said I'm allowed one guest.
Mother? It's rather late for me to start taking an interest in your life, Susan, isn't it? Janey? How would you like to come and broaden your horizons? - With art? Yeah, right.
- Fine.
I'll ask Michael.
I wouldn't go within 50 yards of Michael.
His girlfriend dumped him three days ago.
Three days? He'll be over it by now.
Or maybe he's not.
That settles it then.
The biggest night since I went back to work and no one will support me.
Thank you very much.
I'll go to the cocktail party by myself.
- Cocktails?! I'll go! - I'll go! (Doorbell) - Morning, Roger.
- Morning, Susan.
I need your advice.
- Abi! Roger's here.
- No, no, no.
- I was going to ask Abi if she - Does black make me look washed out? You'll be fine as long as you use a stronger base foundation.
- Anyway, about that advice - Oh, yes.
- (Footsteps) - Never mind.
- Morning, Roger.
- Morning, Abi.
- You all right? - Yeah, fine.
Are you ready for another whizz around the molar system? - I laugh at him all the time.
- You're not alone.
- Better dash.
- You're late for your 7:30 appointment.
But how can you stay angry at this little choochie face? Prices are at the back.
He's a great artist.
Prices are at the back.
Susan.
Simone.
It's going extremely well.
Let's not go overboard.
It's going well.
Have we sold anything? Yes.
A man bought the wastepaper bin.
He thought it was an exhibit.
- It was a joke, Simone.
- I'm aware of that.
I know what a joke is.
I have a keenly developed sense of humour.
You certainly brighten our day.
Julian! According to the catalogue, this is called Passion.
What do you think? I think they're not doing it right.
Really? Hello.
- I'm Lionel.
- Grace.
You work out, don't you? I pump a little iron from time to time.
Can I get you a drink? Well, I don't normally, but why not? Ah, there you are.
Ah.
Thank you very much.
Can I open it now? - It's to go to Hammersmith.
- Is it? Right.
- Any chance of a drink? - Sorry, but this is a private party.
- I don't mind.
- You might not, but we do.
If I give a drink to a would-be Hells Angel, it'll be "Goodbye, Susan.
" Ah, so it's Susan.
Pleased to meet you.
I'm James.
Thank you so much for coming.
I've been trying to get you here for ages.
I've been looking forward to it.
- James, what are you doing with that? - Er This is how we package them and the address goes in the middle there.
Oh, I see.
And the numbers at the bottom? That's the postcode.
Got it.
Right.
May I say how casually elegant you're looking? Thank you.
Yes, I'm going for the would-be Hells Angel.
Isn't he funny, Susan? Riotous.
James, can I show you round? It's a delight to meet you, Susan.
Perhaps we can talk again? Yes, perhaps if I'm still employed.
Do you know who you were just talking to? That's James Garrett.
With a single stroke of his pen, he could buy every piece in this gallery.
He clearly likes you, so do whatever you have to do to keep him happy.
- What are you talking about? - I'm saying anything James wants I want James to get.
- How am I supposed to take that? - Any way you want.
Just keep him happy.
Maybe I'll take him to Alton Towers.
And there were all these little black curly hairs in his teeth.
Anyway, that's my flossing story.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow then, my King of the Drill.
Yes, you will, my Queen of the Reception Desk.
(Nervous laughter) - Is everything all right, Roger? - Hm? You've been acting really mental all night.
Something's obviously troubling you.
Well, yeah.
Actually, Abi, we've been spending a lot more time together.
Especially with you "filling in" at the surgery.
Filling in? And-and-er There was something that I wanted to ask you.
Yes, Roger? Would you, Abigail Theresa Bernard Harper do me the honour of giving me your Giving me your han Your hand bag? - My handbag? - Yes.
Yes.
I like it.
OK.
There you go.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow then.
My instincts tell me that your true interest was not in that handbag.
Oh, you're right, Alfie.
Can I talk to you, you know, man to man? One Welsh love machine to another.
There's another? I keep trying to ask Abi if she'll marry me but I can't seem to find the right words to do it.
Seriously, who's the other Welsh love machine? What am I going to do? Well Nothing expresses the true emotions of the heart better than a bit of poetry.
(He speaks Welsh) No, no.
I've heard that so many times before.
(Phone) Hello.
Hello, James.
No, no.
It's not too late.
Dinner? Tomorrow night? I'll just check my diary.
(Muffled screaming) Yes, I seem to be free.
Yes, I'm looking forward to it too.
(Muffled screaming) Abi, there's a fixed scale of charges.
You can't charge people what you like.
But you're worth it, Roger.
Thank you, Abi.
But there's no such number as a gazillion.
It's just that you're such a talented dentist.
Am I, Abi? Am I really? If dentists were painters, you'd be Beethoven.
Oh, Abi.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow then, my Chief of Teeth.
You all right, Mikey? Digital photos of Lucy.
Could have just deleted the file but it's much more satisfying to print them out, rip them up and send her straight to hell.
That's the spirit.
Plenty more fish in the sea.
Oh, that Abi.
She's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
She's the only thing that's ever happened to you.
Don't tell anyone but I'm thinking of proposing.
- Marriage? - Yes.
- To Abi? - Yes.
You're not thinking of having children, are you? We haven't talked about it.
Why? No reason.
I was thinking of trying to propose to her over a nice candlelit dinner.
Or you could smear her body with honey stake her out in the desert and wait for the ants to eat her alive.
It doesn't sound very Abi-ish but let me give it some thought.
Oh, hello, Roger.
Have you thought of the perfect way to propose to Abi? Not yet.
Have you got any ideas? Well, you could do what my Uncle Dewi did.
You see, he was in a freak baling machine accident and he fell in love with his nurse.
Now, when he was well enough, he proposed to her with a thousand red roses, ten boxes of chocolates and he got the local male voice choir to sing her favourite song.
That's so romantic.
Did he go down on one knee? He only had one knee.
That's a lovely story.
Or there's the time my cousin Huw did it - before he was trampled by a herd of - That's enough.
You've been a big help.
No problem.
Well, good luck, Rog, and er I'm sure you'll find your own way of getting Abi to say yes.
Say yes to what? I'm trying to find a way of asking Abi to marry me.
Roger, that's wonderful.
You're not thinking about having children, are you? No, we're Why do people keep asking me that? - When are you going to do it? - I don't know.
Alfie was trying to help.
That's one way of staying single.
What am I going to do? I always get to the same spot and then I panic.
It's got to come from the heart, Roger.
Why don't you practise on me? I'm Abi, all right? Um right.
- Yeah.
- OK.
Er Well, um (Mutters nervously) Since you came into my life Erm - Abi.
- Abi.
Since you came into my life nothing has ever been the same.
(As Abi) I don't follow what you're going on about, Roger.
You are good.
I mean, er We've got to know each other pretty well.
And, um Well, you know when you've found the right woman for you.
In every single way you are the right woman for me.
I can't envisage spending a single day without you.
So my petit chou-fleur Would you do me the honour of being mine forever? Abi will you marry me? Oh, go on then, Rog.
Be rude not to, eh? - Oh! - Agh! Thanks, Janey.
I think that went really well.
So what do you think? I'm aiming for "demurely attractive".
You've missed.
When did you last go on a date? I've told you, this is not a date.
I'm having dinner with this chap for the gallery.
Then why are you in such a state? Apart from your father, I haven't been out to dinner with a man for 30 years.
What happens if he's kind and attentive? What happens if he wants to make conversation? What then? Mum, nobody's asking you to cheat on Dad.
I am.
- Thank you, Mother.
- Mum, this is not a problem.
If this guy James is interested, you'll know.
Men send subtle signals.
- Like what? - Like If he tries to feed you anything, don't let him.
He's trying to gain your trust.
If you lock eyes for more than three seconds, he wants you.
And if he puts his hand on your breast that's a biggie too.
At least, it was in my day.
So I said to him, "Don't bother hanging the picture.
" (Forced laugh) Oh, that's very good.
Very good.
That wasn't the end of the story.
Sorry.
Do finish.
"Get to hospital quickly.
You may have nicked an artery.
" That's hysterical.
It wasn't actually a funny story.
It happened to a friend of mine.
- More wine? - Absolutely not.
- Are you all right, Susan? - Fine.
Fine.
- Don't look at me.
- What? Don't look at me.
- Are you sure you're OK? - Never better.
How's your chicken? It's very good.
Like to try some? I am not going to sleep with you! So, er Did the, er, hospital stop the bleeding? I'm sorry about the second outburst.
I just got nervous again.
That's OK.
It was a shock but, hopefully, it won't stain.
I still can't believe Simone said I wanted to have dinner with you.
Simone would do or say anything to sell art.
She needn't worry.
She has some very interesting pieces.
- Do you think we've been set up? - Yes.
Yes, I think we have.
Still, it's worked out rather well.
Yes, it's been very nice.
And I'll pay for the dry cleaning.
Mine or the waiter's? Both.
Here's to a very pleasant evening.
- And Simone.
- Simone.
- Shall we have a brandy? - You're not asking me to sleep with you? (Laughter) - Thank you.
- It's my pleasure.
Another coffee? One for the road? Er, that would be lovely.
Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
- Do you have teenagers? Yes, but he couldn't have done this.
He doesn't have any friends.
It's you, Susan Oh.
Good evening.
I didn't expect you for another hour.
Been having a nice time, Mother? Don't be a party pooper.
You didn't give us a chance to clear up.
Us? Are you going to be long, Gracie? I'm not sure how long these pills last.
Oh, Mum! Oh, Dad! I'm very disappointed in you.
I expected better.
Don't look at the floor.
I'm talking to you.
I don't have to listen to you.
Yes, you do.
While you're under my roof, you obey my rules.
- I am not a child, I'm an adult.
- Then act like one.
As for you, what were you thinking of? Oh, give it a rest.
This sort of behaviour is completely unacceptable.
You can't talk to me like this.
I used to be Chairman of BP! I trusted you and this is how you repay me.
- I'm 70 years old! - And you think you know it all! Oh, you talk to her, I Have you any idea of the upset you have caused your daughter and me? - Don't care.
- I shall make you care.
No more gin for a month.
That's not fair.
Is this going to take much longer? My pill's starting to wear off.
Do you know what? For the first time in my life, I've found peace in my heart.
When you find that special someone and everything just falls into place.
Here's Mr Dawson's file.
Fill it in yourself, you toerag.
- Is everything all right, my sweet? - Answer the phones as well.
I'm off.
You snake.
You viper at my breast.
I'm going to propose to her tonight.
There we go.
And one more.
Right.
Hold my hand.
Poor Lionel.
What have you done to him? This isn't Lionel.
This is Martin.
And before you get the wrong idea, he's just been using the loo.
By the way, it took an hour.
That's not the point.
You're with another man and you've been dating Lionel.
It's not physical.
But he does have a disabled parking permit and a bungalow in Eastbourne.
Mother, he's standing right there.
You don't have to whisper, Susan.
He's deaf as a post.
- Come on, dear.
- (Doorbell) It's like having Paris Hilton for a mother.
Hello, Susan.
These are for Grace.
Thanks, Lionel.
I'll make sure she gets them.
It's Lionel.
If he sees you with Martin, it'll break his heart.
Get rid of him.
- Get into the kitchen.
- (Doorbell) I'll stall Lionel.
Get Flash Gordon out the back door.
- Lionel, everything all right? - Hello, Susan, I'm here on a booty call.
These glasses are filthy.
Let me clean them for you.
Grace? Is that you? Won't be a minute, dear.
Hello? Everything all right? The door was open.
James.
I was just cleaning your father's glasses.
There you go.
I was dropping Dad off and I thought I'd say thank you for the other night which, on balance, I quite enjoyed.
- Me too.
- Are those for me? Thank you so much.
I know our parents were a bit out of order, but I haven't seen my father this happy in years.
Gracie my little love muffin I need the loo again.
- Who's this? - I'm Martin.
She's only after me for my parking permit and my bungalow in Eastbourne.
Not quite as deaf as you thought, love.
- James, let me explain - Your mother is playing the field.
Gracie I thought we had something.
We never said we were exclusive.
- Susan, I'm disappointed in you.
- What do you mean? At dinner when you embarrassed me, that was fun, but embarrassing my father is another matter.
Come on, Dad.
For goodness' sake, Dad, I'm trying to storm out here.
That's it.
I've had enough.
You've turned my house into a Benny Hill sketch.
- I want you out.
- What? - I want you out now.
- Pardon? - I want you to leave.
- Fine! I don't have to be told twice.
So, Susan, how do you fancy a weekend in Eastbourne? Simone, can I have a minute? - I wanted a word with you too.
- Yes.
Before you fire me and I lose my dignity, I quit.
I did my best, but it's not my fault James wouldn't buy any of your stupid art.
You should never have made me go out with him.
But that's just typical of the grossly incompetent way you run this gallery and I shall be glad to see the back of it.
God, this feels good! And, as for you, you cold, grasping witch, is there any depth to which you would not sink to make a sale? I doubt it.
Anyway, you can stick your gallery, stick your clients and stick your lousy job up your Jackson Pollock.
James came in 20 minutes ago and spent L180,000.
You didn't let me finish.
Well, I'm ready to go.
- So I see.
- Well, I'll say goodbye then.
You know, Susan As a person gets older, they start to get very set in their ways.
And it gets harder for them to admit that they're wrong and apologise.
Well, go on.
I was waiting for you.
What have I got to apologise for? You should start thinking of me as a person and stop thinking about me as a parent.
I haven't thought of you as a parent since I was nine.
I have faults, I have weaknesses and I have needs.
And the sooner you realise that, the sooner we can get along together.
Well, perhaps we'll meet again someday.
There's nothing in those bags, is there? Not a thing.
I was hoping you'd interrupt me in my big speech and ask me to say.
Oh, all right.
But only because I'm genetically programmed to care about you.
I suppose you want the key to the drinks cabinet.
- No need.
- (Clinking) Just in case the big speech didn't work.
(Ringing) Harper residence.
Oh, hello, Lucy.
It's Lucy.
Hah! Tell her I'm not interested.
What's that? Cinema on Saturday night.
She wants to go to the cinema on Saturday night.
Forget it.
Tell her I've got a date.
Eight o'clock, by the box office.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sure that'll be fine.
OK.
Bye.
Alfie, what are you doing? I told you I don't want to see her.
She wasn't asking you.
She was asking me.
- What? - What can I say? Women seem to find my sexually ambiguous persona irresistible.
So do you have a job or not? I do.
Thanks to two hours' backtracking and James putting in a good word for me.
I think James has a crush on you.
No.
A charming, attractive, powerful art buyer having a crush on me? I don't think so.
You're right.
What were we thinking? There she is.
Jezebel! I'm sorry, Abi, but at this table, you'll have to be more specific.
You who-er! Me? What have I done? You've gone after my boyfriend.
That's what.
Roger? You think I'd be interested in Roger? Yes.
Roger.
What girl wouldn't be? Oh, Abi.
Don't deny it, don't deny it.
I saw the two of you.
Him asking to be by your side forever.
Oh, that? It was nothing.
Nothing? Nothing, she says! After she's ripped my heart from my bosom - and trampled it in the dust.
- Look, Abi He was just practising on me.
Roger wanted to ask you to Abigail Harper, I want a word with you.
Roger, thank God you're here.
It's all starting to kick off.
Never mind that.
I want to have a word with you in private.
Clearly, that's not going to happen.
All right.
Um My mind's gone blank.
How can he tell? Come on, Roger.
From the heart, remember.
The heart.
Abi I just wondered I wish - I just thought - Shh.
I know what you're trying to say, Roger.
You do? - And the answer's yes.
- Oh.
Abi I will be your full-time receptionist.
Oh, um I was going to ask you to marry me.
So what do we think? Was that a yes? And you think it's me who's turned this house into a Benny Hill sketch?