Only Fools and Horses (1981) s06e07 Episode Script
The Jolly Boys' Outing
Now come on, listen to this.
I've come here to sell my wares.
I haven't come here to be laughed at, chaffed at or generally mucked about.
I've come to sell my wares and they're guaranteed.
Guaranteed to cure hard core, soft core and pimples on the tongue.
Right, now, what we got here today, I tell you what we'll do we've got the Musta F80 in-car radio cassette player as recommended by Nigel Mansell.
No no no, straight up.
I wouldn't wind you up would I, on something as important as this? This is solid state of the arts technology this, and this is none of your Japanese or German rubbish no sir, this is actually made in Albania.
Listen, let me show you, let me point out some of the advantages of this wonderful machine.
It's got multiple pre-sets, synthesised tuners, digital-scan, auto-reverse graphic equalizer.
It's got MW, FM, VHF, LCD, RMS, B&Q and ICI And it comes complete with two, not one, two, count them, onetwo quadraphonic speakers! And I am also giving away free with this technological miracle one Kylie Minogue LP.
Wait a minute.
Only £10.
99.
No, listen, don't walk away, you could regret this for the rest of your life I tell you what I'm gonna do.
Forget the Kylie Minogue LP.
Right, ten quid ten quid, first come, first served.
- Hello, Albert.
- Oh, hello, love.
- What are you up to? - I am Trotters Independent Traders' executive look-out.
The day Rodney went to work for your Dad I got promotion.
Yeah? Wish it was that easy for me.
What, have the bank said something about your new job? No.
I had to sit an interview yesterday.
My boss said he'll speak on my behalf, so it's fingers crossed.
You'll get your promotion, Cassandra, I can feel it in me bones.
It'll make a lovely anniversary present for you.
Talking of anniversary presents, I know what Del's got for you.
But, you know me, I ain't saying nothing-yeah, don't wanna spoil the surprise.
- Oh go on, spoil it.
- Alright then.
It's a car radio.
- A car ra.
.
! I've already got a radio in my car.
- Have you? It'll do for Rodney then.
Oh yeah, it'll look really good on his bike, won't it? Well, maybe Del's looking for the future.
When you get your new job you and Rodney'll become a two car family.
I think it'll be a long time before Rodney and I become a two car family.
No, but you've only been married a year, first two or three are always a struggle.
It was the same with me and my wife - yeah, she used to write and say me how tough it was.
- What do you mean, she used to write? - Well, I was away at sea - there was a war on.
Look.
I found this morning at the bottom of my duffel bag.
I ain't seen it for years, I thought I'd lost it.
Look, Uncle Albert, Ive only got one hour for my lunch! It was midnight as we sailed in to this little harbour on board this Greek herring trawler - that was our cover, see.
Oi, what is it your game? You're supposed to be on look-out ! I haven't seen you look at anything! The entire massed bands of the Metropolitan Police force could march through here playing 'I Shot the Sheriff' and your wouldn't see nothing! It was Cassandra, she wanted to know where I won me medal.
Yeah, it was my fault, Del.
I'm sorry.
Anyway, I'd better be going, I've got to get some shopping in.
Oh yeah, what's that for, tomorrow night's anniversary dinner, eh? What time d'you want us there? I thought Rodney said we'd take you and Albert out to a restaurant at a later date.
Yes, I know and I told Rodney that that was far too expensive.
No, you gotta look after your pennies now, sweetheart.
Thing is, Del, it's not so much an anniversary dinner, it's more business I've invited a couple of people along from the bank.
I'm worried you'll get bored.
No, you don't have to worry about us! This is your night, and we don't want to let you down.
- You're family now.
Alright? - Yeah.
Eight o'clock okay? Yeah, lovely jubbly! - Hello Del, hello darling.
- Hi, Marlene.
Can I look? Yeah, if you want, but I warn you he ain't at his best, miserable little git.
He's missing his morning nap, ain't you darling? Oh he's most probably got wind.
Ah, look at him.
He's a little cracker, ain't he, eh? Does remind me of Boycie.
- Yeah, what, the eyes? - No, no, the wind.
- What have you named him? - We've called him Tyler.
Tyler Nice! Of course, if it had been a girl they would have called it Ruth Then it would have been know as Ruth Tyler.
- Really? - No, it's only What's up with you two? Oh hello, Albert? Cor blimey, that's not another medal, is it? Yeah, an act of bravery in the Aegean Sea.
I was on this Greek herring trawler, when suddenly out of the darkness come this German torpedo boat! Albert, you must have come back with more medals than the Russian Olympic squad! Oh I didn't ask for 'em! They kept giving 'em to me.
Oh, shut up, Tyler! Giss him here.
Giss him here.
I'm a natural with kids.
- Alright everyone.
I'm off then.
Nice to see you.
- Yes alright Cassandra.
Ta-ta now love.
Bye.
That Cassandra's a nice girl, ain't she? Rodney was really lucky marrying her.
Yeah, and I was lumbered with he old man of the sea! Hey, talking of sea! Boycie's just told me you lot are off on a beano to Margate! Oh what, the Jolly Boys Outing? Yeah, well we go every couple of years.
I organise it.
If he gets up to anything with a bird in Margate I am holding you responsible! Oh he won't get up to nothing! We'll only be there a couple of hours.
He don't need a couple of hours! Thirty seconds does him! So there I was at the wheel of this Greek herring trawler sailing into the unknown.
It was twenty three hundred hours and the night was blacker than a bailiff's heart.
So where's Rodney working now? Oh he's working with Alan - you know, Cassandra's Dad, down at the printing works.
What, what - he managed to keep that job? Oh yeah! And he's doing very nicely.
Works in the computer section.
They had a trainee start last month, showing him all the ropes.
- Yeah, Rodney'll soon pick it up.
- No, no, Rodney's showing the trainee all the ropes! Then out the darkness came this German torpedo boat.
Quick as a flash - and without giving a second's thought to me own safety or anyone else's, I swung the wheel to port and sent the trawler right across the German boat's bow! We were slightly damaged but Jerry sunk within a minute That's why they gave me this medal.
One day, if you're lucky, you might win one of these.
But then again - hopefully not.
No, What you've gotta understand, Marlene, is that Rodney's in charge of the whole computer section! I don't know where that firm would be without Rodney! Shit! That's the second time I've done that today! How is it going, Rodney? Oh, fine.
- You got those print-outs ready for the bank yet? - Shouldnt be long, Alan.
I'd be very careful if I was you, you've wiped them off once today already.
No problem.
So, what have you bought Cassandra for your anniversary then? Oh it was clothing.
Clothing, lovely.
Well I expect I'll see it tomorrow night, she's bound to wear it at the dinner.
- I don't think she will, Alan.
- Well why not? I really am looking forward to your anniversary dinner.
Yeah, well, so was I till I found out she's invited that Stephen and Joanne.
Oh no, you gotta be fair son, you know.
Stephen is the assistant head of the bank's overseas investment bureau.
He's Cassy's boss! She's applied for promotion so she's gotta stay on his good side.
I know! But he's such a yuppy! It's all that, 'Oh yeah, for sure'.
And all that, 'okay, can I just run this past you'.
Prat! Yeah, yeah.
I can't stand him either.
But he's the sort of man that might do the company some good one of these days.
I'd rather have him inside the tent spitting out than outside the tent spitting in! Understand? Yeah, course I do.
Look, if Cassy is lucky enough to get this promotion, one of her jobs and one of her duties is going to be entertaining at home.
So she's invited Stephen and his wife along to prove that she can throw a good dinner party.
Yeah, I know.
Look, take no notice of me, right, I'm just overreacting.
Well, we'll all be on our best behaviour, make a good impression for our little Cassy, eh? - Alan! I've invited Del and Albert! - You've what? Well, I had to, well, they're family! Oh well, I don't suppose she'd have been very happy in her new job anyway.
Excuse me, sir.
It's just all that data you had on your screen, it's on my one now! Well, of course it is! They don't know they're born, do they? Alright, at first glance it may appear to be slightly off the wall.
- But the word in the city is big bucksville.
- Right, so what is the big secret then? Stephen's about to tell you if you give him half a chance.
Alan, this is no stock market secret or insider information.
It is merely my humble opinion - for what it's worth.
Okay, let me run this one past you.
Try and get you heads round this.
I'm going to say one word, but bear in mind I am talking 'future', long term investment, yeah? - It's 'hang in there' time.
- Yeah, for sure.
Okay, this is the bottom line, take it on board if you wish.
The word is - Africa! Africa! I'll make a note of that in my Filofax, if I may, Stephen.
You got a pen? No.
The two main ladies in my life, Joanne and Cassy, know where I'm coming from on this one.
Stephen was telling me about the projected world growth areas the other day over brunch.
And Africa is where it's at.
Recently Joanne and I spent a little time down in Afrique sur-mer.
- Fabrique belgique.
- This is it.
Fruit produce, yeah? With the introduction of new technology we could be talking returns of left-field proportions.
- Take the banana crop alone, we are into mega-growth.
- Well, you can't go wrong, Stephen.
- The bigger the banana the better, that's my motto.
- For sure.
And statistically we are talking - What? - Well, what I mean is that, it's easier to sell bigger bananas than little 'uns! Ain't it Rodney, eh? Del, I think when Stephen talks about 'growth' he's talking about financial investment, not about the actual size of the banana.
Oh yeah.
No yeah no it's I just wasn't sure.
- Coffee, everyone? - Ah, lovely jubbly.
- Mummy, I was about to do that.
- That's alright, darling.
You were talking with Stephen, so I thought I might as well make myself useful.
It's a lovely little flat, Cassandra, everything is so well, so well coordinated.
That's 'cos Rodney has got a GCE in Art.
Liqueurs, anyone? Dad? Oh yeah, yeah, I'll have a scotch, please love.
No, make that a small port please.
- Roddy? - Roddy! Roddy! Oi Albert, she only calls him Roddy, look.
- Derek? - Mm brandy, please, Pamela.
- Armagnac? - Yeah, that'll do if you're out of brandy.
- I'll have a rum, dear.
- Yes, we know! - I'll stay with the wine.
- Yeah, same here.
- I've gotta be up early in the morning, playing baseball.
- Oh, baseball! Yeah! - I love it.
I always watch it on Channel Four.
- You don't like baseball! - You've always called it silly boys rounders! - Yeah, that was before that I knew it was 'in'! Nowadays it's the sort of game that guys like me and Stephen enjoy.
- How d'you mean? Guys like me and Stephen? - Well, you know, yuppies.
Derek, I am not a yuppy.
- You are, Stephen, you are! Guaranteed.
- No, no, really Take it from me, son.
You are! Okay, well are you gonna give me the chance to wipe the floor with you at Trivial Pursuit or not? Oh yeah, brill All right, yeah! Trivial Pursuits, eh? Lovely Jubbly! How d'you play it? The thing is, Del Boy, it's all about general knowledge, you know, it's a bit intellectual.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
Some of the questions are, you know, really difficult.
It Could be a bit embarrassing.
Don't worry, I'll help you two out.
Alright? - So So what part of Africa did you go to? - I bet he's been there! - Well, the trip ended at Dar Es Salaam.
- I've been there.
Okay! Look, this is really boring.
We left Nairobi then went south to Moshi, across the Serengeti to Musoma then the long trek east to the coast.
During the war.
During the war we pursued a German battleship down the eastern coast and right the way through the Zanibar Channel.
Three days and nights we chased it.
- Did you catch it? - Yeah, worse luck, it sunk us.
- We'll have to find that holiday brochure for Cassandra.
- Yeah, for sure.
Try and get your heads round this, okay? Imagine the sun setting on the vast waters of Lake Victoria A hundred thousand wildebeest grazing on the Masai Steppe, yeah? Oh yeah, wonderful.
A misty, sleepy dawn rises to reveal Kilimanjaro in all its hypnotic majesty.
Oh, it sounds great! We're all going on a beano to Margate next Saturday, Stephen.
D'you fancy coming? Me? Yeah it sounds great but it's bank holiday weekend and Joanne and I always spend them together.
No, I'm going away to Mummy and Daddy's next Saturday, remember.
It's better than being on your own, Stephen.
It'll get you out of the old routine.
- No, I mean, I I wouldn't know anyone.
- Course you will.
Rodney's going.
You're going? Yeah.
Well, it's tradition.
You know, it's the Jolly Boys' Outing.
- The what? - It's the Jolly Boys Outing.
We've been going on 'em for years.
Oh you can't stop Rodney from going, darling.
After all, it's only a day out.
It'll do him good.
Yeah.
Anyway, your Dad'll be there to keep an eye on him, won't you? You're off on a bloody beano? Well, Del mentioned it.
I thought you know, a bit of sea air, do me good.
You're going to get drunk, aren't you? And make yourself ill on jellied eels.
I'm not gonna drink anything and I'm not gonna eat! I'm just gonna - enjoy myself! Well, who threw the highest number? Was it me? No, Del did.
Roll again, Derek, and I'll ask the questions.
Alright, there we go.
Four.
What do I do now? This me, yeah? That one.
Look, one, two, three, four.
- Oh, S&N.
- S&N! What's S&N? - Science and Nature.
- Oh right.
Oh God! It's so simple! - 'What is a female swan called'? - What is em female swan called? You don't know? No no no no.
I do, I do.
It's just that it's at the back of me braint here.
- Can you giss a clue.
- Three three letters.
Oh come on now! There's nothing in the rules about clues! Ah, it's a female swan.
Three letters.
Um, wait a minute, uh got it.
It's a Bic! Get out you noisy little git! You miserable old sod! You're on a beano, you're supposed to be enjoying yourself.
I haven't had my full quota of sleep, and I'm starving hungry.
Why'd we have to leave before breakfast? Don't you read the papers, Albert? The railways are on strike.
- So? - And it's a bank holiday weekend.
Which means the roads are gonna be choc-a-bloc, that's why we left early.
Now repeat that back to me, I want to make sure you understand.
I'll give you a clump round the ear in a minute.
Del, d'you reckon I could get something to eat? Yeah, 'course you can, Unc, Denzil's in charge of the sandwiches.
Tell you what, you sit there, and I'll go an' get some for you, alright? Lazy old git! You've gotta give Del his dues, ain't ya? He did all the catering by himself.
Oh leave off, Jevon, can you see Del Boy standing in a kitchen cutting up all them loaves? - He probably got some idiot to do it for him.
- No, I made 'em for him.
Here y'are, want some bitter to wash them down with? Denzil, what's your game? Don't your realise the damage that stuff does to you? - They're antibiotics! - What? Antibiotics, the doctor prescribed 'em.
And I don't need that, I'm not supposed to drink with 'em I've got this infection.
- Oh have you? - It's in the ear.
- How's it get there then? - That's where you normally get ear infections.
Listen Del, you won't tell the others about this, will you? I mean, these days people get the wrong idea about this sort of thing.
- Oh come on, don't be silly, Denzil.
Course I won't.
- It's just an ear infection, that's all.
Oi, oi, oi, Denzil! You don't have to prove yourself to me, do you? I'm your mate.
Cheers, Del.
That's alright.
Oh by the way, there's been a change in plan.
You're no longer in charge of the sandwiches.
Michael, your luck's changed.
You're in charge of the grub.
- Oi, I wanna word with you.
- Yeah? What is it, Sid? - I own a cafe, right? - Yeah, right, so what? So, why didn't you ask me to make the sandwiches? Well, the explanation is simple.
We intend to eat them! - Oh alright, then.
- Right then.
Alright lads, only another ten minutes, then we'll be at the halfway house, that's when the serious stuff begins.
Make those lagers long and cool.
Oh yes! Look out Margate, and lock up your daughters.
Hey? - Alright, Alan? - Yeah, I'm alright, son Salad There's cheese for you Tone.
There you go Denzil.
Where is he? You promised you wouldn't say anything! Sorry, Denzil, it just sorta slipped out! Hey Del.
Here y'are mate.
It's the halfway house.
Ah! Hey! Lovely Jubbly! - Oi! You seen Del Boy around? - He was here just now.
Why? What's up? I think old Harry's had too much to drink, he's fallen over twice.
Now he's tryin' to juggle with pickled eggs.
So what's that gotta do with Del? Well, Del organised this outing so it's his responsibility.
I'll try the other bar.
- Sorry mate.
- Oi, Mike! It is you, innit? I don't believe it! Eddie Chambers! 'Ere, I heard you'd emigrated.
That's right, yeah, I had a pub on the Isle of Wight.
So, you still in the trade? Yeah, yeah, got a lovely little place down in Peckham.
There's two of my satisfied regulars over there.
You uh around for a while, then Eddie? Yeah, 'bout another half hour.
Oh, I'll catch up with you.
We'll have a right old chat.
I've gotta dash.
A bit of business.
See you later.
Panic over the slightest little thing these days.
Wouldn't have done in the war, Sid.
I wouldn't really know, Albert.
I spent most of my time in a German prisoner of war camp.
Got captured on this little island called Syros, in the Dodecanese - just off the Greek coast.
No chance of escape from there I suppose.
Well, a few of us tried it one night.
Got right down to the harbour, overpowered some German sailors and nicked their boat - fast bugger it was as well.
We'd almost made it to the open sea and this poxy Greek fishing trawler cut right across our path! Got fished out by the Germans and spent the rest of the war in a stalag.
- Fancy another one, Sid? - Yeah, why not? Oh there you are! Del.
Listen, we've got a bit of a problem out in the main bar.
- Why, what's happened now? - 'Ere, gotta stop meeting like this, Michael! Talk about a bad penny! Del, I'd like you to meet an old mate of mine.
Eddie Chambers - Del Trotter.
- Nice to meet you, Del.
- And you, Eddie.
Eddie and I used to be rivals over in the East End, we had pubs almost opposite each other.
- Yeah? - Yeah, except mine was better than yours.
You must be joking! Del, you know how I run a pub, don't you? Yeah, that's right.
His must have been better than yours, Mike.
Oh thank you very much! You still doing it then, Eddie? No, no, I got out the pub game years ago.
I own a club now in Margate - the Mardi Gras.
We do a decent meal, we gotta resident cabaret, you know, a singer, a magic act, a good comedian, I mean What more'd you want for a fiver? Well that sounds fair enough to me, Eddie.
Here, we're on a beano to Margate as it happens.
Here, I tell you what, I just had an idea! Why don't you give us some complimentary tickets, like, you know - just to get the ball rolling and we'll bring the rest of the coach party down to your place to pay at the door? We could pack your place out.
Yeah, I'll have some of that.
Tell you what, look.
Two for you, two for you Del.
There you are, you see, you know it makes sense.
- Yeah.
Maybe I'll see you later then mate.
- Yeah, see you later then Eddie.
- Yeah good luck.
Cheers Eddie.
- Thank you Mike.
What do we want complimentary tickets for a night-club for, Del? We've gotta be out of Margate by seven! Oh look.
Thank you very much.
Use your brains, will you Michael? We might be able to flog 'em to the holiday-makers, eh? Make ourselves a few bob.
- You know what I mean? - Don't you ever stop? No.
Yuppies never switch off, Michael.
It's all or nothing with us! Right, now, what's this problem? I think you'd better come and have look at old Harry.
Alright, Harry, you'll be alright, mate.
You'll be alright.
- Look at the state of him! - And it's only eleven o'clock! This is good news, innit? It's no problem.
You just chuck him on the back seat, let him sleep it off.
Chuck him on the back seat? He's the driver! Oh bloody 'ell! So what we gonna do now? I don't know yet.
I mean, there's bound to be a way out of it.
There's always a way.
Here, young Denzil's a long distance lorry driver.
That's right, he could handle that coach, no problem.
No, he's just got a Heavy Goods Licence.
To drive that coach he'd need a Public Service Licence.
He's got one of them an' all, he used to drive on the buses with me years ago.
Well that's it then, innit, eh? We're saved.
Oi, Denzil! Come over here.
This your lucky day.
- No! - No? What d'you mean, 'no'? I am not driving that coach! I've been driving all week and this is my day off! If you don't drive it we'll have to wait here until Harry sobers up.
And by the look of him that could take about a fortnight! Well Sid used to be on the buses, he can drive it.
I'd love to, Denzil, but I've had a couple of drinks.
Yeah, so have I, you see.
No you haven't.
You're not allowed to drink.
You're on antibiotics because of your disease.
I have not got a disease! I have got an ear infection! Get your left foot up, Harry.
Come on.
What d'you think's wrong with him? What do I think? Well, snow-blindness would be my bet, Trig.
Yeah? I thought he was pissed.
Alright! Alright! I'll drive it on one condition Harry drives it home.
Good boy, Denzil, you know it makes sense.
That's it, good lad, Go on then, get on there.
Right, come on then you lot, come on.
Let's get on board.
Hurry up! Oi! You three! Get on the coach, we're ready for the off now.
Rodney, give me that ball.
Ruud Gullit - nowhere! Excuse me sir.
'Ere, what happened? Hey? - You! Youre under arrest! - I couldn't help it! Yeah, He's right, officer.
He's right.
He just, you know, he just 'threw' the ball back to me, like that.
I don't know how much you had to drink, son, but it's too much! In the car! No, I just 'threw' the ball back at him! You can tell me all about it - at the station! What's Cassandra gonna say about this? There's no need for Cassandra to know anything about it.
And what happens when the summons arrives? Oh summons, what summons? They're not proceeding with the case! Del, that copper has just charged me and taken a statement! He's keeping the ball as Exhibit A! He also reckoned the Chief Inspector wouldn't take it any further.
They'll let you off with a warning! Yeah, but say the don't? We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
I think you're in the clear, in fact I'm sure you are.
- Come on, let's get on the coach.
- Alright.
Come on, that's the spirit, you know it makes sense.
Right, come on then Denzil.
Full ahead folks, we're off to Margate! Well, the coach leaves in an hour.
Hasn't been a bad day though, has it? No, it's been alright, bruv, it's been alright.
I've really enjoyed meself I'm feeling a bit cream-crackered now, though.
I think I might have a touch of that yuppy-flu, you know.
Yeah? Couldn't have something to do with the lobster vindaloo and fourteen pina coladas, could it? Well, it might have slowed me down a bit, yeah.
I went down the cemetery yesterday put some flowers on Mum's grave.
I ain't been down there lately, Del There's always something to do, you know.
No, no, it's alright Rodders.
She understands.
She knows that you still think about her.
Yeah,'course I do.
Yeah, I just sat there, you know, I was like chatting and that just letting her know what's been happening I bet she was well pleased.
Yeah.
D'you know your Cassandra, she reminds me a bit of Mum, you know.
Oh -good.
She's got drive, ain't she? You know.
That's one thing Mum had a lot of drive.
- Yeah, Cassandra's very ambitious.
- That's good, innit? Nothing gets in the way of her career, no doubt about that.
- You must be well pleased.
- Yeah.
- 'cos she's and achiever! - Yeah.
- Yeah, she's a bit like me in many ways.
- Yeah, I s'ppose so.
I've always been an achiever.
I've never actually achieved nothing mind you, but I've always been in with a shout.
You know, this this reminds me of the time me and Jumbo Mills set up a seafood stall outside the Nag's Head.
"Eels on Wheels' we called it.
We was gonna build empires, you know.
You know, every pub in London was gonna have a seafood stall outside called Eels on Wheels D'you know what I said to him the night that we came up with the scheme? This time next year we'll be millionaires.
I said, 'This time next year we'll be millionaires'.
And we could have been, Rodney.
We could have been.
You know what killed off Eels on Wheels, don't you? It was Television! What, The Cook Report? No, no, no.
It was the television started humanising fish.
What you going on about? They did.
They started to make fish human! You know, first of all there was that shark thing, Flipper - he had more GCE'S than you.
Then there was Squidly Diddly, the octopus, he used to play the drums.
There was Michael Fish! And that put you out of business? Yes, it's true, I'm telling you.
in case they was related to The Man from Atlantis! And that report from the council health inspector didn't help none either.
I could have made it though, bruv! I could have! You will, Del, you will.
- Never stop believing, eh, Bruv? - Never stop believing - Come on Andy, time to go home.
- Yeah.
Are we all here now, Del? No, we're just waiting for Rodney, He's reporting in to headquarters.
Hi, Cass? It's me.
Roddy! I've been waiting for your call all day.
Have you? So how are you? Oh, we're fine.
Listen, we're at the coach park, we'll be off in a couple of minutes.
'Ere, you won't tell my guv'nor what happened, will you Del? I'd get the bullet if he found out about this.
Leave it out, Harry, what sorta bloke d'you think I am? I had one glass of lemonade in that pub! I don't know what happened.
I felt strange - it was as if I'd been overcome by fumes or something.
Yeah, well, whatever it was, it's lucky we had Denzil about, weren't it, eh? Don't I know it.
He's a good bloke, that Denzil.
Good bloke! He's one of the best - one of the very best.
- Del! - What does that dipstick want now? There's smoke coming from the radio.
Well you must have pressed the wrong button or something.
Oh look, I'll come and sort it out.
So how's your day been? Oh, usual sort of thing.
Oh, Stephen phoned this morning.
Did he? Yeah.
He'd found that holiday brochure he'd been telling us about.
Mummy called round to see if I'd like to have lunch with her, then the Kent Police Constabulary phoned to confirm that you lived at this address.
That was nice of them, wasn't it? It's not s'pposed to do that, is it? Well, no, we it wasn't in the brochure at least.
Oi! Boycie! Boycie, here! Come here a minute.
Yes, What is it? Look, you see, Dell said 'Give me the ball'.
Oh! I might have guessed Del would be behind it somewhere! No, he didn't mean to get me into trouble! Well, he never does, does he? Yet it seems every time Del's around you something goes wrong and you're at the sticky end of it! Not every time! What're we supposed to do about it? Well, I'd switch it off if I was you, Del.
The main petrol line runs right underneath there.
Blimey! - We gotta do something about this! - Someone get some water.
Yes, good idea.
Water, we need loads of water.
Ain't this coach fitted with a fire distinguisher? Abandon ship! Come on, get off there.
and what about that time he entered one of your paintings in a competition and you won first prize? - In the under-fifteen category! - Yes, I do seem to recollect it.
But I don't think he and I had to spend a week in Mallorca posing as your common-law step-mother! Come on then everybody.
Hurry up.
Look lively.
Alright, look, I agree that Del gets a bit out of hand, but I think it's unfair to say that everything he touches goes wrong! Cass? You still there? Our coach has just blown up! Don't worry, Harry, I won't tell your guv'nor about it! I don't believe it! There's only a bloody train strike! My son is being christened in three weeks' time! - What about my cafe? - I've got a pub to run, Del! - I was supposed to meet a bird at nine! - And I lost my dolphin! Well, just shut up? I've just about had enough of the lot of you! What about a Green Line? There's a bus stop over there.
Yes.
Good idea, Denzil! There you are, look.
The next bus to London is at twenty hundred hours! - What's that mean, Rodney? - Eight o'clock.
So wee got half hour wait.
Ah well, that's not too bad.
No, wait a minute, wait a minute.
That's the normal schedule Look here uh Bank holidays, Christmas, last bus goes at 19.
20.
We missed it by ten minutes.
- So when's the next one then? - Ten past eight tomorrow morning.
Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful! - We could hitch-hike.
- What, twenty-seven of us? - I remember once just after the war.
- Oh don't start, Unc! We've had enough of your stupid stories for one day.
Albert! Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He's a war hero, he's got a right to speak! I fought for free speech! Shuddup! So why does he have to keep saying such stupid things then? Look, you keep on Mickey, and the back of my hand is gonna have a quiet word with your ear'ole! Oh that's it! Let's all have a punch-up in the middle of the street that'd put the cherry on the cake, wouldn't it? And this is the last time I come out on a beano with you! And that's the last time I'm gonna invite you! And I tell you another thing Look, calm down, calm down.
You'll get nowhere arguing.
Now, let's look at the facts.
What we got here is Hobson's Choice.
We can't get a train, the last bus has gone, our own vehicle is somewhat out of action.
The coach company has promised to send down a replacement vehicle - tomorrow morning at nine o'clock.
So there you have it, gentlemen.
So what you saying? What I'm saying is, we're gonna have to spend the night here.
We book into a hotel, a bed and breakfast it's only for one night.
You seem to be forgetting something.
This is a bank holiday.
This town is full to the rafters with holiday-makers.
Where are we gonna find a room? There's bound to be a couple of them still vacant.
Yes, but there's twenty-seven of us! Er, me and Mickey are gonna take a little walk on the sea front.
Yeah, well, we feel like you know, stretching our legs.
I quite fancy taking the night air.
How about you, Michael? We've been down this road once already, ain't we? We've been every bloody where! We've walked further than the Jarrow Marchers.
Yeah and they were all out of work and starving and I bet they didn't moan as much as you two! Gordon Bennett! Here, hang about! Look at that! I told you some-thing'd turn up, didn't I? Look! Look, 'vacancies'.
Hey? Hey? Come on.
Lovely jubbly! - If you'd just like to wait here please.
- Oh right, thank you.
Mrs Baker.
Smell that, Rodney.
Can you smell that? That's roast potatoes, innit? Yeah, and gravy.
And steak and kidney pie unless I'm mistaken.
We've fallen on our feet, haven't we? - And I am starving! - I know, so am I.
Ain't he a beautiful cat, eh? And he likes me.
Most probably in love with that beard.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Look, we'd like a room for the night, you know, you can chuck in an evening meal, bit of brekkers, you know, that sort of thing.
Oh what a shame.
I let the last of my rooms out about an hour ago.
No, you got a sign in the window saying 'Vacancies'.
Is the sign still there? Oh that silly girl, I told her to take it down.
Excuse me please.
Helen, you forgot to take the sign out of the window.
Oh I'm sorry, Mrs Baker.
I'll just serve dinner then I'll see to it.
I am sorry, gentlemen.
- Couldn't we kip down in your front room? - Yeah, or on the landing.
Yeah, or in the airing cupboard, you know, anywhere.
I'd love to help but it's the regulations, you see.
Well, is there anywhere round here we can get a room for the night? Well, it's difficult.
It's a bank holiday weekend you see, and this rail strike doesn't make things any better.
- You could try oh no, maybe not.
- No, please, where? Well, you could try Mrs Creswell's.
She's at the Villa Bella just across the square.
She's always got vacancies.
Oh right.
Well, thank you, we'll go and knock her up then.
Yes.
Thanks very much.
And the next thing you know - whoosh, up it went! Did you see Del Boy's face? Oh I wish I'd had my video camera with me.
Oh, look who's here.
It's the Coachbusters! - Are you staying here as well? - No, no, we're no we're not, no.
Oh that's a shame, 'cos you would have liked it here.
Yeah, we've had a lovely hot bath each.
Nice warm room.
And the food's great.
You would have really liked it here.
Yeah well, we don't care 'cos we got somewhere even better to go.
Yeah, yeah.
Thats right, yeah.
'Ere, you're not going to the Villa Bella are you? Um no, no, we're not, no, no No, no, we're no We're going down the it's a secret! Well that's a relief, I was beginning to feel guilty 'cos it's so nice here.
How's your disease, Denzil? I have not got a disease! It's an ear infection! Yeah.
Mrs Baker, would you make sure that he takes his tablets.
Only the doctors down at the clinic for iffy diseases did say that it's not contagious.
Well, at least they said they hope it wasn't.
Bon appetite, gits! Gertchyer! Oh look! There it is, look.
Villa Bella.
There you are, don't look too bad.
Don't look too bad? Look at it! It looks like the Munsters' weekend place! Oh come on Del, let's find somewhere else.
Oh Rodney, where? We've been everywhere in town, ain't we, eh? And look at it, it's gonna start chucking it down again in a minute and then we're gonna get soaked and frozen.
Now come on, this is our last chance.
You never know, it might be rather nice inside.
Well, I'm game! There you are, that's the spirit, Uncle.
See? He who dares wins.
Hey, go on go and ring the bell.
Go and ring the bell.
Hurry up.
- Are you Mrs Creswell? - Yes.
Oh! It's just that the lady down the road, Mrs Baker.
She recommended us to you.
Said you might have a room for the night.
Come in.
- Are you Bella? - No.
Bella died ten years ago.
I hope they've buried her! - It's cold, innit? - That's the weather.
Oh is it? I do I don't know, I'm a stranger round here.
I've got a three-bedded room vacant.
It's ten pounds a night each and that includes a traditional English breakfast.
Oh well, that's uh that sounds just the ticket, Mrs Creswell.
That'll be thirty pounds in advance.
Sign the book.
Inga, show these gentlemen up to the Blue Room.
Can't you see I'm serving dinner? I've only got the one pair of hands! Well, show them up after you've served dinner! You do everything your bloody self round here! - I'm training her.
- She's coming on a bundle, ain't she? The front door is locked at 11pm and not opened again until 9am.
Mrs Creswell, thank you.
Come on, it's up here.
Would you ever come on? - Move over a bit! - You've got most of the bed! You're pulling the covers off me! Leave it out you two! You gonna carry on like this all night? Tell him to stop pulling the covers off me! Rodney, stop pulling the covers off Albert! Well, tell him to get over to his own side of the bed.
Albert, will you get over to your own side Well, this is like spending a long weekend with Zippy and Bungle! God knows what Cassandra would say if she was here! Oh, she'd most probably say 'Roddy, what's your uncle doing in bed with us?' It's alright for you, Derek, this happens to be my first night away from Cassandra for a whole year! I bet she ain't half glad! What's that supposed to mean? Is this the way you carry on when you're in bed with her? Well, of course it's not! So why are you giving me all this aggro? Beca because thee is a great deal of difference between sleeping with Cassandra and kipping with you! Like what? Alright, like she smells nice! Like, she wears things! Woh back! Woh back! And like she hasn't got a dopey white beard thatkeeps tickling me! See, you've woken somebody up now! Rodney, look, come on, it's only quarter past ten.
Let's whip down the old Mardi Gras, eh? Have a couple of a couple of jars, you know, scampi supper, eh? What d'you reckon? What d'you reckon? No.
Look.
I promised Cassandra I wouldn't go out and I intend to keep that promise.
You reckoned she believed you? When you said you wouldn't go out on the town.
Well of course she believed me - Why? - Nothing.
Uncle, you're not trying to suggest that if Cassandra thought that Rodney was going out on the razzle that she would go out on the razzle as well, are you? What, you mean what's good for the goose is good for the gander? - Yeah.
- No.
Cassandra wouldn't have gone out.
- How'd you know that? - Because I haven't gone out.
Yeah, but how does she know that? Beca She just does, right? Our marriage is based on trust.
Yeah, he's right.
Cassandra wouldn't go out enjoying herself.
Thank you.
She wouldn't have to, she's got that flat to herself.
So what? No, hey, I I just meant if she felt a bit 'lonely', she could invite someone round.
Yeah, like that couple at your anniversary, Stephen and his wife.
So what's wrong with that? Nothing.
Nothing.
No, it'll be a bit of company for Cassandra.
She seemed to get on well with that Stephen.
Of course they get on well.
They work together at the bank, he's a colleague.
In fact he's more than a colleague, he's on top he's her immediate superior.
No, anyway, she couldn't have invited them two round, 'cos Stephen's wife's gone away for the weekend, d'you remember? Oh yeah.
If that Stephen's been round my flat I'll kill him! What put that idea in your head? I don't know.
Something's been bugging me.
What? Oh! d'you wanna do? You wanna, you know, pop out for a drink and sort of talk about it, hmm? Yeah, it might make you feel better Rodney.
Yeah, well, I suppose I could manage a This is a conspiracy, innit? You two are in league with each other, ain't ya! You just want me to come to the night-club with you.
And you want the bed to yourself.
Well it ain't gonna work! I promised Cassandra I would not go out and I am not going out! Alright? Alright, alright, keep your hair on.
No, we was only geeing you up.
We didn't mean any harm.
Alright.
Well let's shut up about it and get some sleep.
Do with an extra blanket, I'm freezing in here.
Yeah, it is a bit cold, innit? Cold? You bits of kids don't know the meaning of the word.
You should have been with me on the Russian convoys.
One night it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze.
Come on then, just one quick light ale.
Where have I seen that bird before? It's that sort, wossername? The one you went out with for a while, Del.
It's Raquel, the strippagram! - No, it is not! - It is, Del.
You look at the board: The Great Ramondo and Raquel! It is her! Raquel! Del? Alright? Bloody clever that, innit eh? Marvelous! So I got back to England about six months ago.
I wasn't sure what to do with myself.
I haven't got any family, except a brother in Milton Keynes, but we haven't spoken for years.
So I saw my agent and she tied me in with Ray.
- Ray? - The Great Ramondo.
He was working in a holiday camp down in Devon, his last assistant had walked out on him, well, he's a bit of a pig.
Anyway, after that we got a three-month contract here.
Oh, it's not much but it's a job, it keeps a roof over my head.
I didn't mean to let you down, you know.
I was on my way round to you and I was unexpectedly arrested.
I know, it's alright, you've already explained.
Why didn't you write to me? Write to you? I thought you'd dumped me! I've got pride, Del! I've never written to the other blokes who've dumped me and I wasn't starting with you! D'you want another drink? No, I'm back on stage in a little while.
It's been noone else.
I mean, since we split up I haven't - you know - I've not been interested.
No, no, nor me.
No, no, honest! Yeah, alright, I believe you.
Anyway, what you gonna do when this contract's finished? Oh, I'm leaving the act.
I can't stand Ray anymore.
He's got a temper, sometimes he frightens me.
Don't know where I'll go.
Peckham's very nice this time of year.
Is it? I know a lovely little flat you could stay at, an all.
Maybe I'll try Peckham then.
Thanks.
Raquel, would you give me your autograph? Get away! No, I mean it, straight.
Honest.
I've never given an autograph before.
Well look, it's easy.
All you got to do, look, is just write your name and your address and your telephone number.
Alright? Get your pigeons back alright? Yes, I did! Raquel, I don't know what the hell you were playing at on that stage, but don't you ever let that happen again! I'm sorry, Ray.
I was distracted.
Professionals are not distracted, love! You either get your act together or you find somewhere else! There's plenty more where you came from.
We're on in ten minutes! Alright, Ray, I'm coming.
D'you want me to whack him for you? Del, please, please! Stay out of it? My contract hasn't long to run so all I want to do is keep him sweet.
Besides, he's right, it was unprofessional of me.
I'll see you then.
Yeah.
You've still got my address, haven't you? Yeah, well, you know, you can write to me or phone me, you know, if you like.
You won't forget, will you? Oh, I'll never forget you, Del.
- The most beautiful sound I ever heard.
- Will you keep your noise down? People are tryin' to sleep! She's lovely though, ain't she, Rodney? Eh? She's lovely isn't she? Yeah she's lovely, now shut up! - It's locked! - It's what? It's locked.
Oh, that's right, she said she locks it at eleven! What time is it now? It's twenty to two.
I'll just have to ring the bell.
You can't ring the bell, you'll get Mrs Creswell out of her coffin! Well what we gonna do then, eh? We can't hang round here till the morning, can we? Del, if you wake her up she'll sink her teeth into our necks before you can say, 'wooden stake'! You're frightened of her, ain't you? Yes! Well, Im not! Well, you ring the bell! I'm gonna hide behind the wall.
Alright, maybe there's another way out of this.
- That's our room, innit? That one? - Yeah, I think so.
Right! Abandon ship! Throw something up at the window.
Yeah, alright.
You wally, now look what you've gone and done! Me? Yeah.
You were the one that said go on throw something up at the window! I meant a little pebble, you just chucked half a paving stone through it! Mrs Creswell! One of our windows has just been smashed! I heard it! Phone the police, Inga.
Oh, That's all I need, innit? I'm gonna get nicked twice in one day! Look alive, Rodney, look alive.
Just get out of here.
Come on, let's get out, let's get out.
Hello? Hello, Raquel? It's Del Boy.
Del? What d'you want? It's two o'clock in the morning! Yeah I know.
I'm sorry to disturb you, sweetheart, but Rodney's been and got us into a bit of trouble.
I didn't get us into this! Yeah you did! It was your bright idea, weren't it, eh? - You chucked the bloody thing! - I know but you said Yeah, look, look, look, look, wait! What's wrong? Oh, we've been locked out of our digs and we've got nowhere to kip for the night.
We was wondering if you could put us up till the morning.
It's a bit awkward, Del.
Raquel.
It's freezing out here! We've just bumped into a brass monkey crying his eyes out.
Oh, alright then.
Push the door and come up.
Oh good girl.
You know it makes sense.
Yeah, that's better.
Cor, it's 'taters out there.
Oh, sorry about this, Raquel.
Oh, that's okay.
So what happened? Well, the old girl where we were staying, she locks her doors at eleven.
Well, I mean, we didn't leave your nightclub till gone one, did we? Well, I'm afraid an armchair and a settee is the best I can offer you.
No, no, that's That's great.
No, That's that'll be lovely, Raquel.
Yeah.
It's alright, look, we'll be away first thing in the morning, 'cos our new coach comes about nine o'clock.
Listen, sweetheart, you can't give us something to warm the old cockles, can you? Yeah, ok.
I'll make you a coffee.
Oh yeah.
Cushty.
Cushty.
She's a blinding bird, ain't she, Rodney, eh? What, Raquel? Yes.
T'riffic, Del.
She's got a radiant smile, have you noticed that? - What, her radiant smile? - Yeah.
You can't miss it can you? I mean when she walks in she well she lights up a room.
Yeah.
Most of your birds walk in and light up a fag.
Yeah! Yeah, and she's as straight as a die, you know, straight as a die.
She don't mess around with other blokes, you know.
What, you're saying Cassandra does? No! No, course not.
No, I've got nothing against the girl! That's alright then.
'Cos if I thought you Sorry.
You're a touchy little git sometimes, ain't you, eh? All I was just saying was, that since Raquel met me she hasn't been out with any other blokes.
Well she only met you two hours ago! No, I don't mean this time! I mean like the first time! Oh, right.
She has been true to me.
Raquel, what's all the noise? - The Great Ramondo? - What you doing here? What am I doing here? We was locked out of our digs and Raquel said we could spend the night here but we're gonna go soon! Oh did she? Well, we'll see about that! Raquel.
What's the idea of letting strangers into the flat without even asking me? - I'm gonna kill him! Gonna kill him! - No, stay calm, Derek! It's gonna take a bloody good surgeon three or four hours to get his magic wand back! Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! Now come on, calm down! I wanna know what the hell is going on here.
Sit down! Now, look, there's probably a perfectly simple explanation to this.
Like what? Well, how the hell should I know? There is a simple explanation, Rodney.
The Great Ramondo's a bleeding bully boy! Raquel told me.
He's got her trapped here.
If she don't play ball with him not only has she lost her job but she's lost her home as well! That's blackmail and I don't like that sorta thing! I'm gonna sort it out right now.
Oi, oi! You're not certain of anything! Don't jump to conclusions.
Look, for all you know them two might be well, you know.
I don't know look, just find out what the situation is first, right? Nice 'n' easy, Del? Right? Nice 'n' easy.
Alright! Alright, Rodney.
I'm just gonna go in there and just gonna ask a few questions and, you know, like and that's all.
And what happens if you dont like the answers? Well, that's life, innit, eh? Just I'll know where I stand then, won't I, eh? Alright.
Excuse me I'm terribly sorry to bother you.
I just wondered if we could have a little chat? See if we could come to some sort of a an understanding.
That's the way, Del, nice 'n' easy.
Now do you understand what I was trying to say, eh? Why the hell did you do that? It's alright, it's alright, it's alright Raquel.
It's alright.
You don't have to be frightened of the Great Ramondo no more - Del Boy is here.
Right, Ramondo - or can I just call you Great, eh? Do you understand what I've been subtly trying to indicate? You are out, pal! Your lease has expired! This is nature's little way of trying to tell you to get your arse down the road apiece! - Why don't you explain to him? - He hasn't given me the chance! You'd better warn him I was in the Territorials! I don't think that's gonna cut a lot of ice with him, somehow.
Alright! There's your coat! There's your case and there's the front door! Or would you prefer to take the more direct route? Can I just say something? Yes alright.
You can say something.
You better make it quick and you better make it polite - there is a lady present! There is nothing going on between Raquel and me! Nothing going on between you two? A fella and a bird sharing a flat, there's nothing going on! What d'you take me for? Look, I assure you it's the truth! You see Raquel is not my type! What d'you mean she's not your type? You could do a lot worse than that.
This is Ray's room This is my bedroom Do you see what Ray's saying? If I was the last woman on God's earth I still wouldn't be his type! Take your time, Del.
You see, it's purely a financial situation it's cheaper than us paying for separate flats.
Oh! You mean you're Yes.
Well, why didn't you say? It's not the sort of thing one drops into an introduction.
God - I'm terribly sorry! What must you think of me? No need, really.
Over and done with.
Well you see I I didn't know.
You didn't ask, did you? No, you see I thought that you see I thought I mean I you see Is I didn't I, Rodney? Yeah, yeah he did.
You see ooh oh dear, I do believe I may have dropped your suitcase out of the window.
I'll fetch it.
I could do with the air.
No, you see, I'm you see I thought No, no, no, Del, you didn't think! You never think! You don't look, you don't listen, you don't notice any of the signs! You just go at it like a mad bull! I only did it for you! Well, if that's supposed to make me feel better, it doesn't! I might publish your diaries one day, Del.
I reckon that could be a winner.
I don't believe you sometimes! Why did you do that? He Who Dares Wins, I've always been the same! Well, this time I reckon that He Who Dared cocked it right up! Thank you.
I know you did it for me but you were stupid and you were embarrassing! Thank you.
Magic! See you, Dave.
Rodney! Here! Oi, here a minute! Come here a minute! Listen.
You are master of your own flat.
Yeah, okay.
You're a man.
Don't want any rules, no collars and lead.
Alright, Del, alright! You've gonna go in there, put your foot down with a firm hand and let her know where she stands.
Right? You've just You just gotta sort it out, alright? Just, you know sort it out.
- Alright.
I'll see you.
- Yeah, I'll see you then.
Ta ta.
I didn't expect you back this early.
No well, here I am.
Cass, can we have a talk? I don't think this is an appropriate time, Roddy.
Maybe later.
Look, I really think we ought to sit down and discuss Hi, buddy, how's it going? What are you doing here? Oh, I was just passing.
So how was Margate? Forget Margate! What are you doing in my flat? Hey, back off, Rod! I mean, what's the problem? Roddy, what's wrong? Well, I'll tell you the problem, shall I? There's something I've really wanted to do for a long time but I've I've never got round to it! So let me run this past you, Stephen.
Try and get your head round this.
Now you know where I'm coming from! Okay? Buddy! Alright, Joanne? What have you done to Stephen? He punched me on the nose! Well, what's she doing here? I thought she was going away for the weekend to her parents! She was but there was a rail strike! Joanne brought this holiday brochure round for us! D'you see anything in it you like? Hello sweetheart? How are you today? Oh good.
How's the Great Ramondo Oh yeah Well, I'm sure in his heart of hearts he understood Oh, we've been back about an hour Yeah.
Mm? No, everyone's alright.
We dropped Rodney off at his house, yeah Cassandra? No, she'll be alright, she'll be as good as gold.
Rodney's a bit of a charmer on the quiet no, he knows how to handle situations Yes I know, sometimes I wish I was a bit more like him and all Old, Albert.
He's feeling much better now, yeah Oh, didn't you hear? He got a whack on the head.
I dunno, I dunno.
The strangest thing.
He was lying in bed last night when all of a sudden a rock came flying through the window, and it caught him a glancing blow on the head Dunno, it's a mystery! It's no mystery to me! Bloody yobbos done it! They should be locked up! That's right, Unc.
That is absolutely right, yeah.
Tell her what happened to Boycie and Mike when they was walking home from the nightclub.
What? What was that? Someone chucked a suitcase through a window.
Caught Mike right on the shoulder fortunately Boycie's head broke its fall.
It's a terrible old world, innit, eh sweetheart? Listen Raquel.
Raquel, you have forgiven me now, haven't you sweetheart? Oh good.
You know it makes sense.
I was thinking about taking the van out for a test drive next Saturday, well I'm fitting a new radio, yeah.
I was thinking I might go down to Margate.
I wouldn't be in a hurry to get home I was just wondering if you could get the Great Raymondo to do a disappearing act? Oh cushty! Yeah.
Oh that's great.
Alright darling, I'll see you next Saturday sweetheart Yeah, alright.
Bye for now.
Bye.
Lovely Jubbly! Oi! What's your game? If you wanna cup of tea go an' make one, you lazy old sod, go on.
Alright bruv? Sort it all out? NVL
I've come here to sell my wares.
I haven't come here to be laughed at, chaffed at or generally mucked about.
I've come to sell my wares and they're guaranteed.
Guaranteed to cure hard core, soft core and pimples on the tongue.
Right, now, what we got here today, I tell you what we'll do we've got the Musta F80 in-car radio cassette player as recommended by Nigel Mansell.
No no no, straight up.
I wouldn't wind you up would I, on something as important as this? This is solid state of the arts technology this, and this is none of your Japanese or German rubbish no sir, this is actually made in Albania.
Listen, let me show you, let me point out some of the advantages of this wonderful machine.
It's got multiple pre-sets, synthesised tuners, digital-scan, auto-reverse graphic equalizer.
It's got MW, FM, VHF, LCD, RMS, B&Q and ICI And it comes complete with two, not one, two, count them, onetwo quadraphonic speakers! And I am also giving away free with this technological miracle one Kylie Minogue LP.
Wait a minute.
Only £10.
99.
No, listen, don't walk away, you could regret this for the rest of your life I tell you what I'm gonna do.
Forget the Kylie Minogue LP.
Right, ten quid ten quid, first come, first served.
- Hello, Albert.
- Oh, hello, love.
- What are you up to? - I am Trotters Independent Traders' executive look-out.
The day Rodney went to work for your Dad I got promotion.
Yeah? Wish it was that easy for me.
What, have the bank said something about your new job? No.
I had to sit an interview yesterday.
My boss said he'll speak on my behalf, so it's fingers crossed.
You'll get your promotion, Cassandra, I can feel it in me bones.
It'll make a lovely anniversary present for you.
Talking of anniversary presents, I know what Del's got for you.
But, you know me, I ain't saying nothing-yeah, don't wanna spoil the surprise.
- Oh go on, spoil it.
- Alright then.
It's a car radio.
- A car ra.
.
! I've already got a radio in my car.
- Have you? It'll do for Rodney then.
Oh yeah, it'll look really good on his bike, won't it? Well, maybe Del's looking for the future.
When you get your new job you and Rodney'll become a two car family.
I think it'll be a long time before Rodney and I become a two car family.
No, but you've only been married a year, first two or three are always a struggle.
It was the same with me and my wife - yeah, she used to write and say me how tough it was.
- What do you mean, she used to write? - Well, I was away at sea - there was a war on.
Look.
I found this morning at the bottom of my duffel bag.
I ain't seen it for years, I thought I'd lost it.
Look, Uncle Albert, Ive only got one hour for my lunch! It was midnight as we sailed in to this little harbour on board this Greek herring trawler - that was our cover, see.
Oi, what is it your game? You're supposed to be on look-out ! I haven't seen you look at anything! The entire massed bands of the Metropolitan Police force could march through here playing 'I Shot the Sheriff' and your wouldn't see nothing! It was Cassandra, she wanted to know where I won me medal.
Yeah, it was my fault, Del.
I'm sorry.
Anyway, I'd better be going, I've got to get some shopping in.
Oh yeah, what's that for, tomorrow night's anniversary dinner, eh? What time d'you want us there? I thought Rodney said we'd take you and Albert out to a restaurant at a later date.
Yes, I know and I told Rodney that that was far too expensive.
No, you gotta look after your pennies now, sweetheart.
Thing is, Del, it's not so much an anniversary dinner, it's more business I've invited a couple of people along from the bank.
I'm worried you'll get bored.
No, you don't have to worry about us! This is your night, and we don't want to let you down.
- You're family now.
Alright? - Yeah.
Eight o'clock okay? Yeah, lovely jubbly! - Hello Del, hello darling.
- Hi, Marlene.
Can I look? Yeah, if you want, but I warn you he ain't at his best, miserable little git.
He's missing his morning nap, ain't you darling? Oh he's most probably got wind.
Ah, look at him.
He's a little cracker, ain't he, eh? Does remind me of Boycie.
- Yeah, what, the eyes? - No, no, the wind.
- What have you named him? - We've called him Tyler.
Tyler Nice! Of course, if it had been a girl they would have called it Ruth Then it would have been know as Ruth Tyler.
- Really? - No, it's only What's up with you two? Oh hello, Albert? Cor blimey, that's not another medal, is it? Yeah, an act of bravery in the Aegean Sea.
I was on this Greek herring trawler, when suddenly out of the darkness come this German torpedo boat! Albert, you must have come back with more medals than the Russian Olympic squad! Oh I didn't ask for 'em! They kept giving 'em to me.
Oh, shut up, Tyler! Giss him here.
Giss him here.
I'm a natural with kids.
- Alright everyone.
I'm off then.
Nice to see you.
- Yes alright Cassandra.
Ta-ta now love.
Bye.
That Cassandra's a nice girl, ain't she? Rodney was really lucky marrying her.
Yeah, and I was lumbered with he old man of the sea! Hey, talking of sea! Boycie's just told me you lot are off on a beano to Margate! Oh what, the Jolly Boys Outing? Yeah, well we go every couple of years.
I organise it.
If he gets up to anything with a bird in Margate I am holding you responsible! Oh he won't get up to nothing! We'll only be there a couple of hours.
He don't need a couple of hours! Thirty seconds does him! So there I was at the wheel of this Greek herring trawler sailing into the unknown.
It was twenty three hundred hours and the night was blacker than a bailiff's heart.
So where's Rodney working now? Oh he's working with Alan - you know, Cassandra's Dad, down at the printing works.
What, what - he managed to keep that job? Oh yeah! And he's doing very nicely.
Works in the computer section.
They had a trainee start last month, showing him all the ropes.
- Yeah, Rodney'll soon pick it up.
- No, no, Rodney's showing the trainee all the ropes! Then out the darkness came this German torpedo boat.
Quick as a flash - and without giving a second's thought to me own safety or anyone else's, I swung the wheel to port and sent the trawler right across the German boat's bow! We were slightly damaged but Jerry sunk within a minute That's why they gave me this medal.
One day, if you're lucky, you might win one of these.
But then again - hopefully not.
No, What you've gotta understand, Marlene, is that Rodney's in charge of the whole computer section! I don't know where that firm would be without Rodney! Shit! That's the second time I've done that today! How is it going, Rodney? Oh, fine.
- You got those print-outs ready for the bank yet? - Shouldnt be long, Alan.
I'd be very careful if I was you, you've wiped them off once today already.
No problem.
So, what have you bought Cassandra for your anniversary then? Oh it was clothing.
Clothing, lovely.
Well I expect I'll see it tomorrow night, she's bound to wear it at the dinner.
- I don't think she will, Alan.
- Well why not? I really am looking forward to your anniversary dinner.
Yeah, well, so was I till I found out she's invited that Stephen and Joanne.
Oh no, you gotta be fair son, you know.
Stephen is the assistant head of the bank's overseas investment bureau.
He's Cassy's boss! She's applied for promotion so she's gotta stay on his good side.
I know! But he's such a yuppy! It's all that, 'Oh yeah, for sure'.
And all that, 'okay, can I just run this past you'.
Prat! Yeah, yeah.
I can't stand him either.
But he's the sort of man that might do the company some good one of these days.
I'd rather have him inside the tent spitting out than outside the tent spitting in! Understand? Yeah, course I do.
Look, if Cassy is lucky enough to get this promotion, one of her jobs and one of her duties is going to be entertaining at home.
So she's invited Stephen and his wife along to prove that she can throw a good dinner party.
Yeah, I know.
Look, take no notice of me, right, I'm just overreacting.
Well, we'll all be on our best behaviour, make a good impression for our little Cassy, eh? - Alan! I've invited Del and Albert! - You've what? Well, I had to, well, they're family! Oh well, I don't suppose she'd have been very happy in her new job anyway.
Excuse me, sir.
It's just all that data you had on your screen, it's on my one now! Well, of course it is! They don't know they're born, do they? Alright, at first glance it may appear to be slightly off the wall.
- But the word in the city is big bucksville.
- Right, so what is the big secret then? Stephen's about to tell you if you give him half a chance.
Alan, this is no stock market secret or insider information.
It is merely my humble opinion - for what it's worth.
Okay, let me run this one past you.
Try and get you heads round this.
I'm going to say one word, but bear in mind I am talking 'future', long term investment, yeah? - It's 'hang in there' time.
- Yeah, for sure.
Okay, this is the bottom line, take it on board if you wish.
The word is - Africa! Africa! I'll make a note of that in my Filofax, if I may, Stephen.
You got a pen? No.
The two main ladies in my life, Joanne and Cassy, know where I'm coming from on this one.
Stephen was telling me about the projected world growth areas the other day over brunch.
And Africa is where it's at.
Recently Joanne and I spent a little time down in Afrique sur-mer.
- Fabrique belgique.
- This is it.
Fruit produce, yeah? With the introduction of new technology we could be talking returns of left-field proportions.
- Take the banana crop alone, we are into mega-growth.
- Well, you can't go wrong, Stephen.
- The bigger the banana the better, that's my motto.
- For sure.
And statistically we are talking - What? - Well, what I mean is that, it's easier to sell bigger bananas than little 'uns! Ain't it Rodney, eh? Del, I think when Stephen talks about 'growth' he's talking about financial investment, not about the actual size of the banana.
Oh yeah.
No yeah no it's I just wasn't sure.
- Coffee, everyone? - Ah, lovely jubbly.
- Mummy, I was about to do that.
- That's alright, darling.
You were talking with Stephen, so I thought I might as well make myself useful.
It's a lovely little flat, Cassandra, everything is so well, so well coordinated.
That's 'cos Rodney has got a GCE in Art.
Liqueurs, anyone? Dad? Oh yeah, yeah, I'll have a scotch, please love.
No, make that a small port please.
- Roddy? - Roddy! Roddy! Oi Albert, she only calls him Roddy, look.
- Derek? - Mm brandy, please, Pamela.
- Armagnac? - Yeah, that'll do if you're out of brandy.
- I'll have a rum, dear.
- Yes, we know! - I'll stay with the wine.
- Yeah, same here.
- I've gotta be up early in the morning, playing baseball.
- Oh, baseball! Yeah! - I love it.
I always watch it on Channel Four.
- You don't like baseball! - You've always called it silly boys rounders! - Yeah, that was before that I knew it was 'in'! Nowadays it's the sort of game that guys like me and Stephen enjoy.
- How d'you mean? Guys like me and Stephen? - Well, you know, yuppies.
Derek, I am not a yuppy.
- You are, Stephen, you are! Guaranteed.
- No, no, really Take it from me, son.
You are! Okay, well are you gonna give me the chance to wipe the floor with you at Trivial Pursuit or not? Oh yeah, brill All right, yeah! Trivial Pursuits, eh? Lovely Jubbly! How d'you play it? The thing is, Del Boy, it's all about general knowledge, you know, it's a bit intellectual.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
Some of the questions are, you know, really difficult.
It Could be a bit embarrassing.
Don't worry, I'll help you two out.
Alright? - So So what part of Africa did you go to? - I bet he's been there! - Well, the trip ended at Dar Es Salaam.
- I've been there.
Okay! Look, this is really boring.
We left Nairobi then went south to Moshi, across the Serengeti to Musoma then the long trek east to the coast.
During the war.
During the war we pursued a German battleship down the eastern coast and right the way through the Zanibar Channel.
Three days and nights we chased it.
- Did you catch it? - Yeah, worse luck, it sunk us.
- We'll have to find that holiday brochure for Cassandra.
- Yeah, for sure.
Try and get your heads round this, okay? Imagine the sun setting on the vast waters of Lake Victoria A hundred thousand wildebeest grazing on the Masai Steppe, yeah? Oh yeah, wonderful.
A misty, sleepy dawn rises to reveal Kilimanjaro in all its hypnotic majesty.
Oh, it sounds great! We're all going on a beano to Margate next Saturday, Stephen.
D'you fancy coming? Me? Yeah it sounds great but it's bank holiday weekend and Joanne and I always spend them together.
No, I'm going away to Mummy and Daddy's next Saturday, remember.
It's better than being on your own, Stephen.
It'll get you out of the old routine.
- No, I mean, I I wouldn't know anyone.
- Course you will.
Rodney's going.
You're going? Yeah.
Well, it's tradition.
You know, it's the Jolly Boys' Outing.
- The what? - It's the Jolly Boys Outing.
We've been going on 'em for years.
Oh you can't stop Rodney from going, darling.
After all, it's only a day out.
It'll do him good.
Yeah.
Anyway, your Dad'll be there to keep an eye on him, won't you? You're off on a bloody beano? Well, Del mentioned it.
I thought you know, a bit of sea air, do me good.
You're going to get drunk, aren't you? And make yourself ill on jellied eels.
I'm not gonna drink anything and I'm not gonna eat! I'm just gonna - enjoy myself! Well, who threw the highest number? Was it me? No, Del did.
Roll again, Derek, and I'll ask the questions.
Alright, there we go.
Four.
What do I do now? This me, yeah? That one.
Look, one, two, three, four.
- Oh, S&N.
- S&N! What's S&N? - Science and Nature.
- Oh right.
Oh God! It's so simple! - 'What is a female swan called'? - What is em female swan called? You don't know? No no no no.
I do, I do.
It's just that it's at the back of me braint here.
- Can you giss a clue.
- Three three letters.
Oh come on now! There's nothing in the rules about clues! Ah, it's a female swan.
Three letters.
Um, wait a minute, uh got it.
It's a Bic! Get out you noisy little git! You miserable old sod! You're on a beano, you're supposed to be enjoying yourself.
I haven't had my full quota of sleep, and I'm starving hungry.
Why'd we have to leave before breakfast? Don't you read the papers, Albert? The railways are on strike.
- So? - And it's a bank holiday weekend.
Which means the roads are gonna be choc-a-bloc, that's why we left early.
Now repeat that back to me, I want to make sure you understand.
I'll give you a clump round the ear in a minute.
Del, d'you reckon I could get something to eat? Yeah, 'course you can, Unc, Denzil's in charge of the sandwiches.
Tell you what, you sit there, and I'll go an' get some for you, alright? Lazy old git! You've gotta give Del his dues, ain't ya? He did all the catering by himself.
Oh leave off, Jevon, can you see Del Boy standing in a kitchen cutting up all them loaves? - He probably got some idiot to do it for him.
- No, I made 'em for him.
Here y'are, want some bitter to wash them down with? Denzil, what's your game? Don't your realise the damage that stuff does to you? - They're antibiotics! - What? Antibiotics, the doctor prescribed 'em.
And I don't need that, I'm not supposed to drink with 'em I've got this infection.
- Oh have you? - It's in the ear.
- How's it get there then? - That's where you normally get ear infections.
Listen Del, you won't tell the others about this, will you? I mean, these days people get the wrong idea about this sort of thing.
- Oh come on, don't be silly, Denzil.
Course I won't.
- It's just an ear infection, that's all.
Oi, oi, oi, Denzil! You don't have to prove yourself to me, do you? I'm your mate.
Cheers, Del.
That's alright.
Oh by the way, there's been a change in plan.
You're no longer in charge of the sandwiches.
Michael, your luck's changed.
You're in charge of the grub.
- Oi, I wanna word with you.
- Yeah? What is it, Sid? - I own a cafe, right? - Yeah, right, so what? So, why didn't you ask me to make the sandwiches? Well, the explanation is simple.
We intend to eat them! - Oh alright, then.
- Right then.
Alright lads, only another ten minutes, then we'll be at the halfway house, that's when the serious stuff begins.
Make those lagers long and cool.
Oh yes! Look out Margate, and lock up your daughters.
Hey? - Alright, Alan? - Yeah, I'm alright, son Salad There's cheese for you Tone.
There you go Denzil.
Where is he? You promised you wouldn't say anything! Sorry, Denzil, it just sorta slipped out! Hey Del.
Here y'are mate.
It's the halfway house.
Ah! Hey! Lovely Jubbly! - Oi! You seen Del Boy around? - He was here just now.
Why? What's up? I think old Harry's had too much to drink, he's fallen over twice.
Now he's tryin' to juggle with pickled eggs.
So what's that gotta do with Del? Well, Del organised this outing so it's his responsibility.
I'll try the other bar.
- Sorry mate.
- Oi, Mike! It is you, innit? I don't believe it! Eddie Chambers! 'Ere, I heard you'd emigrated.
That's right, yeah, I had a pub on the Isle of Wight.
So, you still in the trade? Yeah, yeah, got a lovely little place down in Peckham.
There's two of my satisfied regulars over there.
You uh around for a while, then Eddie? Yeah, 'bout another half hour.
Oh, I'll catch up with you.
We'll have a right old chat.
I've gotta dash.
A bit of business.
See you later.
Panic over the slightest little thing these days.
Wouldn't have done in the war, Sid.
I wouldn't really know, Albert.
I spent most of my time in a German prisoner of war camp.
Got captured on this little island called Syros, in the Dodecanese - just off the Greek coast.
No chance of escape from there I suppose.
Well, a few of us tried it one night.
Got right down to the harbour, overpowered some German sailors and nicked their boat - fast bugger it was as well.
We'd almost made it to the open sea and this poxy Greek fishing trawler cut right across our path! Got fished out by the Germans and spent the rest of the war in a stalag.
- Fancy another one, Sid? - Yeah, why not? Oh there you are! Del.
Listen, we've got a bit of a problem out in the main bar.
- Why, what's happened now? - 'Ere, gotta stop meeting like this, Michael! Talk about a bad penny! Del, I'd like you to meet an old mate of mine.
Eddie Chambers - Del Trotter.
- Nice to meet you, Del.
- And you, Eddie.
Eddie and I used to be rivals over in the East End, we had pubs almost opposite each other.
- Yeah? - Yeah, except mine was better than yours.
You must be joking! Del, you know how I run a pub, don't you? Yeah, that's right.
His must have been better than yours, Mike.
Oh thank you very much! You still doing it then, Eddie? No, no, I got out the pub game years ago.
I own a club now in Margate - the Mardi Gras.
We do a decent meal, we gotta resident cabaret, you know, a singer, a magic act, a good comedian, I mean What more'd you want for a fiver? Well that sounds fair enough to me, Eddie.
Here, we're on a beano to Margate as it happens.
Here, I tell you what, I just had an idea! Why don't you give us some complimentary tickets, like, you know - just to get the ball rolling and we'll bring the rest of the coach party down to your place to pay at the door? We could pack your place out.
Yeah, I'll have some of that.
Tell you what, look.
Two for you, two for you Del.
There you are, you see, you know it makes sense.
- Yeah.
Maybe I'll see you later then mate.
- Yeah, see you later then Eddie.
- Yeah good luck.
Cheers Eddie.
- Thank you Mike.
What do we want complimentary tickets for a night-club for, Del? We've gotta be out of Margate by seven! Oh look.
Thank you very much.
Use your brains, will you Michael? We might be able to flog 'em to the holiday-makers, eh? Make ourselves a few bob.
- You know what I mean? - Don't you ever stop? No.
Yuppies never switch off, Michael.
It's all or nothing with us! Right, now, what's this problem? I think you'd better come and have look at old Harry.
Alright, Harry, you'll be alright, mate.
You'll be alright.
- Look at the state of him! - And it's only eleven o'clock! This is good news, innit? It's no problem.
You just chuck him on the back seat, let him sleep it off.
Chuck him on the back seat? He's the driver! Oh bloody 'ell! So what we gonna do now? I don't know yet.
I mean, there's bound to be a way out of it.
There's always a way.
Here, young Denzil's a long distance lorry driver.
That's right, he could handle that coach, no problem.
No, he's just got a Heavy Goods Licence.
To drive that coach he'd need a Public Service Licence.
He's got one of them an' all, he used to drive on the buses with me years ago.
Well that's it then, innit, eh? We're saved.
Oi, Denzil! Come over here.
This your lucky day.
- No! - No? What d'you mean, 'no'? I am not driving that coach! I've been driving all week and this is my day off! If you don't drive it we'll have to wait here until Harry sobers up.
And by the look of him that could take about a fortnight! Well Sid used to be on the buses, he can drive it.
I'd love to, Denzil, but I've had a couple of drinks.
Yeah, so have I, you see.
No you haven't.
You're not allowed to drink.
You're on antibiotics because of your disease.
I have not got a disease! I have got an ear infection! Get your left foot up, Harry.
Come on.
What d'you think's wrong with him? What do I think? Well, snow-blindness would be my bet, Trig.
Yeah? I thought he was pissed.
Alright! Alright! I'll drive it on one condition Harry drives it home.
Good boy, Denzil, you know it makes sense.
That's it, good lad, Go on then, get on there.
Right, come on then you lot, come on.
Let's get on board.
Hurry up! Oi! You three! Get on the coach, we're ready for the off now.
Rodney, give me that ball.
Ruud Gullit - nowhere! Excuse me sir.
'Ere, what happened? Hey? - You! Youre under arrest! - I couldn't help it! Yeah, He's right, officer.
He's right.
He just, you know, he just 'threw' the ball back to me, like that.
I don't know how much you had to drink, son, but it's too much! In the car! No, I just 'threw' the ball back at him! You can tell me all about it - at the station! What's Cassandra gonna say about this? There's no need for Cassandra to know anything about it.
And what happens when the summons arrives? Oh summons, what summons? They're not proceeding with the case! Del, that copper has just charged me and taken a statement! He's keeping the ball as Exhibit A! He also reckoned the Chief Inspector wouldn't take it any further.
They'll let you off with a warning! Yeah, but say the don't? We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
I think you're in the clear, in fact I'm sure you are.
- Come on, let's get on the coach.
- Alright.
Come on, that's the spirit, you know it makes sense.
Right, come on then Denzil.
Full ahead folks, we're off to Margate! Well, the coach leaves in an hour.
Hasn't been a bad day though, has it? No, it's been alright, bruv, it's been alright.
I've really enjoyed meself I'm feeling a bit cream-crackered now, though.
I think I might have a touch of that yuppy-flu, you know.
Yeah? Couldn't have something to do with the lobster vindaloo and fourteen pina coladas, could it? Well, it might have slowed me down a bit, yeah.
I went down the cemetery yesterday put some flowers on Mum's grave.
I ain't been down there lately, Del There's always something to do, you know.
No, no, it's alright Rodders.
She understands.
She knows that you still think about her.
Yeah,'course I do.
Yeah, I just sat there, you know, I was like chatting and that just letting her know what's been happening I bet she was well pleased.
Yeah.
D'you know your Cassandra, she reminds me a bit of Mum, you know.
Oh -good.
She's got drive, ain't she? You know.
That's one thing Mum had a lot of drive.
- Yeah, Cassandra's very ambitious.
- That's good, innit? Nothing gets in the way of her career, no doubt about that.
- You must be well pleased.
- Yeah.
- 'cos she's and achiever! - Yeah.
- Yeah, she's a bit like me in many ways.
- Yeah, I s'ppose so.
I've always been an achiever.
I've never actually achieved nothing mind you, but I've always been in with a shout.
You know, this this reminds me of the time me and Jumbo Mills set up a seafood stall outside the Nag's Head.
"Eels on Wheels' we called it.
We was gonna build empires, you know.
You know, every pub in London was gonna have a seafood stall outside called Eels on Wheels D'you know what I said to him the night that we came up with the scheme? This time next year we'll be millionaires.
I said, 'This time next year we'll be millionaires'.
And we could have been, Rodney.
We could have been.
You know what killed off Eels on Wheels, don't you? It was Television! What, The Cook Report? No, no, no.
It was the television started humanising fish.
What you going on about? They did.
They started to make fish human! You know, first of all there was that shark thing, Flipper - he had more GCE'S than you.
Then there was Squidly Diddly, the octopus, he used to play the drums.
There was Michael Fish! And that put you out of business? Yes, it's true, I'm telling you.
in case they was related to The Man from Atlantis! And that report from the council health inspector didn't help none either.
I could have made it though, bruv! I could have! You will, Del, you will.
- Never stop believing, eh, Bruv? - Never stop believing - Come on Andy, time to go home.
- Yeah.
Are we all here now, Del? No, we're just waiting for Rodney, He's reporting in to headquarters.
Hi, Cass? It's me.
Roddy! I've been waiting for your call all day.
Have you? So how are you? Oh, we're fine.
Listen, we're at the coach park, we'll be off in a couple of minutes.
'Ere, you won't tell my guv'nor what happened, will you Del? I'd get the bullet if he found out about this.
Leave it out, Harry, what sorta bloke d'you think I am? I had one glass of lemonade in that pub! I don't know what happened.
I felt strange - it was as if I'd been overcome by fumes or something.
Yeah, well, whatever it was, it's lucky we had Denzil about, weren't it, eh? Don't I know it.
He's a good bloke, that Denzil.
Good bloke! He's one of the best - one of the very best.
- Del! - What does that dipstick want now? There's smoke coming from the radio.
Well you must have pressed the wrong button or something.
Oh look, I'll come and sort it out.
So how's your day been? Oh, usual sort of thing.
Oh, Stephen phoned this morning.
Did he? Yeah.
He'd found that holiday brochure he'd been telling us about.
Mummy called round to see if I'd like to have lunch with her, then the Kent Police Constabulary phoned to confirm that you lived at this address.
That was nice of them, wasn't it? It's not s'pposed to do that, is it? Well, no, we it wasn't in the brochure at least.
Oi! Boycie! Boycie, here! Come here a minute.
Yes, What is it? Look, you see, Dell said 'Give me the ball'.
Oh! I might have guessed Del would be behind it somewhere! No, he didn't mean to get me into trouble! Well, he never does, does he? Yet it seems every time Del's around you something goes wrong and you're at the sticky end of it! Not every time! What're we supposed to do about it? Well, I'd switch it off if I was you, Del.
The main petrol line runs right underneath there.
Blimey! - We gotta do something about this! - Someone get some water.
Yes, good idea.
Water, we need loads of water.
Ain't this coach fitted with a fire distinguisher? Abandon ship! Come on, get off there.
and what about that time he entered one of your paintings in a competition and you won first prize? - In the under-fifteen category! - Yes, I do seem to recollect it.
But I don't think he and I had to spend a week in Mallorca posing as your common-law step-mother! Come on then everybody.
Hurry up.
Look lively.
Alright, look, I agree that Del gets a bit out of hand, but I think it's unfair to say that everything he touches goes wrong! Cass? You still there? Our coach has just blown up! Don't worry, Harry, I won't tell your guv'nor about it! I don't believe it! There's only a bloody train strike! My son is being christened in three weeks' time! - What about my cafe? - I've got a pub to run, Del! - I was supposed to meet a bird at nine! - And I lost my dolphin! Well, just shut up? I've just about had enough of the lot of you! What about a Green Line? There's a bus stop over there.
Yes.
Good idea, Denzil! There you are, look.
The next bus to London is at twenty hundred hours! - What's that mean, Rodney? - Eight o'clock.
So wee got half hour wait.
Ah well, that's not too bad.
No, wait a minute, wait a minute.
That's the normal schedule Look here uh Bank holidays, Christmas, last bus goes at 19.
20.
We missed it by ten minutes.
- So when's the next one then? - Ten past eight tomorrow morning.
Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful! - We could hitch-hike.
- What, twenty-seven of us? - I remember once just after the war.
- Oh don't start, Unc! We've had enough of your stupid stories for one day.
Albert! Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He's a war hero, he's got a right to speak! I fought for free speech! Shuddup! So why does he have to keep saying such stupid things then? Look, you keep on Mickey, and the back of my hand is gonna have a quiet word with your ear'ole! Oh that's it! Let's all have a punch-up in the middle of the street that'd put the cherry on the cake, wouldn't it? And this is the last time I come out on a beano with you! And that's the last time I'm gonna invite you! And I tell you another thing Look, calm down, calm down.
You'll get nowhere arguing.
Now, let's look at the facts.
What we got here is Hobson's Choice.
We can't get a train, the last bus has gone, our own vehicle is somewhat out of action.
The coach company has promised to send down a replacement vehicle - tomorrow morning at nine o'clock.
So there you have it, gentlemen.
So what you saying? What I'm saying is, we're gonna have to spend the night here.
We book into a hotel, a bed and breakfast it's only for one night.
You seem to be forgetting something.
This is a bank holiday.
This town is full to the rafters with holiday-makers.
Where are we gonna find a room? There's bound to be a couple of them still vacant.
Yes, but there's twenty-seven of us! Er, me and Mickey are gonna take a little walk on the sea front.
Yeah, well, we feel like you know, stretching our legs.
I quite fancy taking the night air.
How about you, Michael? We've been down this road once already, ain't we? We've been every bloody where! We've walked further than the Jarrow Marchers.
Yeah and they were all out of work and starving and I bet they didn't moan as much as you two! Gordon Bennett! Here, hang about! Look at that! I told you some-thing'd turn up, didn't I? Look! Look, 'vacancies'.
Hey? Hey? Come on.
Lovely jubbly! - If you'd just like to wait here please.
- Oh right, thank you.
Mrs Baker.
Smell that, Rodney.
Can you smell that? That's roast potatoes, innit? Yeah, and gravy.
And steak and kidney pie unless I'm mistaken.
We've fallen on our feet, haven't we? - And I am starving! - I know, so am I.
Ain't he a beautiful cat, eh? And he likes me.
Most probably in love with that beard.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Look, we'd like a room for the night, you know, you can chuck in an evening meal, bit of brekkers, you know, that sort of thing.
Oh what a shame.
I let the last of my rooms out about an hour ago.
No, you got a sign in the window saying 'Vacancies'.
Is the sign still there? Oh that silly girl, I told her to take it down.
Excuse me please.
Helen, you forgot to take the sign out of the window.
Oh I'm sorry, Mrs Baker.
I'll just serve dinner then I'll see to it.
I am sorry, gentlemen.
- Couldn't we kip down in your front room? - Yeah, or on the landing.
Yeah, or in the airing cupboard, you know, anywhere.
I'd love to help but it's the regulations, you see.
Well, is there anywhere round here we can get a room for the night? Well, it's difficult.
It's a bank holiday weekend you see, and this rail strike doesn't make things any better.
- You could try oh no, maybe not.
- No, please, where? Well, you could try Mrs Creswell's.
She's at the Villa Bella just across the square.
She's always got vacancies.
Oh right.
Well, thank you, we'll go and knock her up then.
Yes.
Thanks very much.
And the next thing you know - whoosh, up it went! Did you see Del Boy's face? Oh I wish I'd had my video camera with me.
Oh, look who's here.
It's the Coachbusters! - Are you staying here as well? - No, no, we're no we're not, no.
Oh that's a shame, 'cos you would have liked it here.
Yeah, we've had a lovely hot bath each.
Nice warm room.
And the food's great.
You would have really liked it here.
Yeah well, we don't care 'cos we got somewhere even better to go.
Yeah, yeah.
Thats right, yeah.
'Ere, you're not going to the Villa Bella are you? Um no, no, we're not, no, no No, no, we're no We're going down the it's a secret! Well that's a relief, I was beginning to feel guilty 'cos it's so nice here.
How's your disease, Denzil? I have not got a disease! It's an ear infection! Yeah.
Mrs Baker, would you make sure that he takes his tablets.
Only the doctors down at the clinic for iffy diseases did say that it's not contagious.
Well, at least they said they hope it wasn't.
Bon appetite, gits! Gertchyer! Oh look! There it is, look.
Villa Bella.
There you are, don't look too bad.
Don't look too bad? Look at it! It looks like the Munsters' weekend place! Oh come on Del, let's find somewhere else.
Oh Rodney, where? We've been everywhere in town, ain't we, eh? And look at it, it's gonna start chucking it down again in a minute and then we're gonna get soaked and frozen.
Now come on, this is our last chance.
You never know, it might be rather nice inside.
Well, I'm game! There you are, that's the spirit, Uncle.
See? He who dares wins.
Hey, go on go and ring the bell.
Go and ring the bell.
Hurry up.
- Are you Mrs Creswell? - Yes.
Oh! It's just that the lady down the road, Mrs Baker.
She recommended us to you.
Said you might have a room for the night.
Come in.
- Are you Bella? - No.
Bella died ten years ago.
I hope they've buried her! - It's cold, innit? - That's the weather.
Oh is it? I do I don't know, I'm a stranger round here.
I've got a three-bedded room vacant.
It's ten pounds a night each and that includes a traditional English breakfast.
Oh well, that's uh that sounds just the ticket, Mrs Creswell.
That'll be thirty pounds in advance.
Sign the book.
Inga, show these gentlemen up to the Blue Room.
Can't you see I'm serving dinner? I've only got the one pair of hands! Well, show them up after you've served dinner! You do everything your bloody self round here! - I'm training her.
- She's coming on a bundle, ain't she? The front door is locked at 11pm and not opened again until 9am.
Mrs Creswell, thank you.
Come on, it's up here.
Would you ever come on? - Move over a bit! - You've got most of the bed! You're pulling the covers off me! Leave it out you two! You gonna carry on like this all night? Tell him to stop pulling the covers off me! Rodney, stop pulling the covers off Albert! Well, tell him to get over to his own side of the bed.
Albert, will you get over to your own side Well, this is like spending a long weekend with Zippy and Bungle! God knows what Cassandra would say if she was here! Oh, she'd most probably say 'Roddy, what's your uncle doing in bed with us?' It's alright for you, Derek, this happens to be my first night away from Cassandra for a whole year! I bet she ain't half glad! What's that supposed to mean? Is this the way you carry on when you're in bed with her? Well, of course it's not! So why are you giving me all this aggro? Beca because thee is a great deal of difference between sleeping with Cassandra and kipping with you! Like what? Alright, like she smells nice! Like, she wears things! Woh back! Woh back! And like she hasn't got a dopey white beard thatkeeps tickling me! See, you've woken somebody up now! Rodney, look, come on, it's only quarter past ten.
Let's whip down the old Mardi Gras, eh? Have a couple of a couple of jars, you know, scampi supper, eh? What d'you reckon? What d'you reckon? No.
Look.
I promised Cassandra I wouldn't go out and I intend to keep that promise.
You reckoned she believed you? When you said you wouldn't go out on the town.
Well of course she believed me - Why? - Nothing.
Uncle, you're not trying to suggest that if Cassandra thought that Rodney was going out on the razzle that she would go out on the razzle as well, are you? What, you mean what's good for the goose is good for the gander? - Yeah.
- No.
Cassandra wouldn't have gone out.
- How'd you know that? - Because I haven't gone out.
Yeah, but how does she know that? Beca She just does, right? Our marriage is based on trust.
Yeah, he's right.
Cassandra wouldn't go out enjoying herself.
Thank you.
She wouldn't have to, she's got that flat to herself.
So what? No, hey, I I just meant if she felt a bit 'lonely', she could invite someone round.
Yeah, like that couple at your anniversary, Stephen and his wife.
So what's wrong with that? Nothing.
Nothing.
No, it'll be a bit of company for Cassandra.
She seemed to get on well with that Stephen.
Of course they get on well.
They work together at the bank, he's a colleague.
In fact he's more than a colleague, he's on top he's her immediate superior.
No, anyway, she couldn't have invited them two round, 'cos Stephen's wife's gone away for the weekend, d'you remember? Oh yeah.
If that Stephen's been round my flat I'll kill him! What put that idea in your head? I don't know.
Something's been bugging me.
What? Oh! d'you wanna do? You wanna, you know, pop out for a drink and sort of talk about it, hmm? Yeah, it might make you feel better Rodney.
Yeah, well, I suppose I could manage a This is a conspiracy, innit? You two are in league with each other, ain't ya! You just want me to come to the night-club with you.
And you want the bed to yourself.
Well it ain't gonna work! I promised Cassandra I would not go out and I am not going out! Alright? Alright, alright, keep your hair on.
No, we was only geeing you up.
We didn't mean any harm.
Alright.
Well let's shut up about it and get some sleep.
Do with an extra blanket, I'm freezing in here.
Yeah, it is a bit cold, innit? Cold? You bits of kids don't know the meaning of the word.
You should have been with me on the Russian convoys.
One night it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze.
Come on then, just one quick light ale.
Where have I seen that bird before? It's that sort, wossername? The one you went out with for a while, Del.
It's Raquel, the strippagram! - No, it is not! - It is, Del.
You look at the board: The Great Ramondo and Raquel! It is her! Raquel! Del? Alright? Bloody clever that, innit eh? Marvelous! So I got back to England about six months ago.
I wasn't sure what to do with myself.
I haven't got any family, except a brother in Milton Keynes, but we haven't spoken for years.
So I saw my agent and she tied me in with Ray.
- Ray? - The Great Ramondo.
He was working in a holiday camp down in Devon, his last assistant had walked out on him, well, he's a bit of a pig.
Anyway, after that we got a three-month contract here.
Oh, it's not much but it's a job, it keeps a roof over my head.
I didn't mean to let you down, you know.
I was on my way round to you and I was unexpectedly arrested.
I know, it's alright, you've already explained.
Why didn't you write to me? Write to you? I thought you'd dumped me! I've got pride, Del! I've never written to the other blokes who've dumped me and I wasn't starting with you! D'you want another drink? No, I'm back on stage in a little while.
It's been noone else.
I mean, since we split up I haven't - you know - I've not been interested.
No, no, nor me.
No, no, honest! Yeah, alright, I believe you.
Anyway, what you gonna do when this contract's finished? Oh, I'm leaving the act.
I can't stand Ray anymore.
He's got a temper, sometimes he frightens me.
Don't know where I'll go.
Peckham's very nice this time of year.
Is it? I know a lovely little flat you could stay at, an all.
Maybe I'll try Peckham then.
Thanks.
Raquel, would you give me your autograph? Get away! No, I mean it, straight.
Honest.
I've never given an autograph before.
Well look, it's easy.
All you got to do, look, is just write your name and your address and your telephone number.
Alright? Get your pigeons back alright? Yes, I did! Raquel, I don't know what the hell you were playing at on that stage, but don't you ever let that happen again! I'm sorry, Ray.
I was distracted.
Professionals are not distracted, love! You either get your act together or you find somewhere else! There's plenty more where you came from.
We're on in ten minutes! Alright, Ray, I'm coming.
D'you want me to whack him for you? Del, please, please! Stay out of it? My contract hasn't long to run so all I want to do is keep him sweet.
Besides, he's right, it was unprofessional of me.
I'll see you then.
Yeah.
You've still got my address, haven't you? Yeah, well, you know, you can write to me or phone me, you know, if you like.
You won't forget, will you? Oh, I'll never forget you, Del.
- The most beautiful sound I ever heard.
- Will you keep your noise down? People are tryin' to sleep! She's lovely though, ain't she, Rodney? Eh? She's lovely isn't she? Yeah she's lovely, now shut up! - It's locked! - It's what? It's locked.
Oh, that's right, she said she locks it at eleven! What time is it now? It's twenty to two.
I'll just have to ring the bell.
You can't ring the bell, you'll get Mrs Creswell out of her coffin! Well what we gonna do then, eh? We can't hang round here till the morning, can we? Del, if you wake her up she'll sink her teeth into our necks before you can say, 'wooden stake'! You're frightened of her, ain't you? Yes! Well, Im not! Well, you ring the bell! I'm gonna hide behind the wall.
Alright, maybe there's another way out of this.
- That's our room, innit? That one? - Yeah, I think so.
Right! Abandon ship! Throw something up at the window.
Yeah, alright.
You wally, now look what you've gone and done! Me? Yeah.
You were the one that said go on throw something up at the window! I meant a little pebble, you just chucked half a paving stone through it! Mrs Creswell! One of our windows has just been smashed! I heard it! Phone the police, Inga.
Oh, That's all I need, innit? I'm gonna get nicked twice in one day! Look alive, Rodney, look alive.
Just get out of here.
Come on, let's get out, let's get out.
Hello? Hello, Raquel? It's Del Boy.
Del? What d'you want? It's two o'clock in the morning! Yeah I know.
I'm sorry to disturb you, sweetheart, but Rodney's been and got us into a bit of trouble.
I didn't get us into this! Yeah you did! It was your bright idea, weren't it, eh? - You chucked the bloody thing! - I know but you said Yeah, look, look, look, look, wait! What's wrong? Oh, we've been locked out of our digs and we've got nowhere to kip for the night.
We was wondering if you could put us up till the morning.
It's a bit awkward, Del.
Raquel.
It's freezing out here! We've just bumped into a brass monkey crying his eyes out.
Oh, alright then.
Push the door and come up.
Oh good girl.
You know it makes sense.
Yeah, that's better.
Cor, it's 'taters out there.
Oh, sorry about this, Raquel.
Oh, that's okay.
So what happened? Well, the old girl where we were staying, she locks her doors at eleven.
Well, I mean, we didn't leave your nightclub till gone one, did we? Well, I'm afraid an armchair and a settee is the best I can offer you.
No, no, that's That's great.
No, That's that'll be lovely, Raquel.
Yeah.
It's alright, look, we'll be away first thing in the morning, 'cos our new coach comes about nine o'clock.
Listen, sweetheart, you can't give us something to warm the old cockles, can you? Yeah, ok.
I'll make you a coffee.
Oh yeah.
Cushty.
Cushty.
She's a blinding bird, ain't she, Rodney, eh? What, Raquel? Yes.
T'riffic, Del.
She's got a radiant smile, have you noticed that? - What, her radiant smile? - Yeah.
You can't miss it can you? I mean when she walks in she well she lights up a room.
Yeah.
Most of your birds walk in and light up a fag.
Yeah! Yeah, and she's as straight as a die, you know, straight as a die.
She don't mess around with other blokes, you know.
What, you're saying Cassandra does? No! No, course not.
No, I've got nothing against the girl! That's alright then.
'Cos if I thought you Sorry.
You're a touchy little git sometimes, ain't you, eh? All I was just saying was, that since Raquel met me she hasn't been out with any other blokes.
Well she only met you two hours ago! No, I don't mean this time! I mean like the first time! Oh, right.
She has been true to me.
Raquel, what's all the noise? - The Great Ramondo? - What you doing here? What am I doing here? We was locked out of our digs and Raquel said we could spend the night here but we're gonna go soon! Oh did she? Well, we'll see about that! Raquel.
What's the idea of letting strangers into the flat without even asking me? - I'm gonna kill him! Gonna kill him! - No, stay calm, Derek! It's gonna take a bloody good surgeon three or four hours to get his magic wand back! Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! Now come on, calm down! I wanna know what the hell is going on here.
Sit down! Now, look, there's probably a perfectly simple explanation to this.
Like what? Well, how the hell should I know? There is a simple explanation, Rodney.
The Great Ramondo's a bleeding bully boy! Raquel told me.
He's got her trapped here.
If she don't play ball with him not only has she lost her job but she's lost her home as well! That's blackmail and I don't like that sorta thing! I'm gonna sort it out right now.
Oi, oi! You're not certain of anything! Don't jump to conclusions.
Look, for all you know them two might be well, you know.
I don't know look, just find out what the situation is first, right? Nice 'n' easy, Del? Right? Nice 'n' easy.
Alright! Alright, Rodney.
I'm just gonna go in there and just gonna ask a few questions and, you know, like and that's all.
And what happens if you dont like the answers? Well, that's life, innit, eh? Just I'll know where I stand then, won't I, eh? Alright.
Excuse me I'm terribly sorry to bother you.
I just wondered if we could have a little chat? See if we could come to some sort of a an understanding.
That's the way, Del, nice 'n' easy.
Now do you understand what I was trying to say, eh? Why the hell did you do that? It's alright, it's alright, it's alright Raquel.
It's alright.
You don't have to be frightened of the Great Ramondo no more - Del Boy is here.
Right, Ramondo - or can I just call you Great, eh? Do you understand what I've been subtly trying to indicate? You are out, pal! Your lease has expired! This is nature's little way of trying to tell you to get your arse down the road apiece! - Why don't you explain to him? - He hasn't given me the chance! You'd better warn him I was in the Territorials! I don't think that's gonna cut a lot of ice with him, somehow.
Alright! There's your coat! There's your case and there's the front door! Or would you prefer to take the more direct route? Can I just say something? Yes alright.
You can say something.
You better make it quick and you better make it polite - there is a lady present! There is nothing going on between Raquel and me! Nothing going on between you two? A fella and a bird sharing a flat, there's nothing going on! What d'you take me for? Look, I assure you it's the truth! You see Raquel is not my type! What d'you mean she's not your type? You could do a lot worse than that.
This is Ray's room This is my bedroom Do you see what Ray's saying? If I was the last woman on God's earth I still wouldn't be his type! Take your time, Del.
You see, it's purely a financial situation it's cheaper than us paying for separate flats.
Oh! You mean you're Yes.
Well, why didn't you say? It's not the sort of thing one drops into an introduction.
God - I'm terribly sorry! What must you think of me? No need, really.
Over and done with.
Well you see I I didn't know.
You didn't ask, did you? No, you see I thought that you see I thought I mean I you see Is I didn't I, Rodney? Yeah, yeah he did.
You see ooh oh dear, I do believe I may have dropped your suitcase out of the window.
I'll fetch it.
I could do with the air.
No, you see, I'm you see I thought No, no, no, Del, you didn't think! You never think! You don't look, you don't listen, you don't notice any of the signs! You just go at it like a mad bull! I only did it for you! Well, if that's supposed to make me feel better, it doesn't! I might publish your diaries one day, Del.
I reckon that could be a winner.
I don't believe you sometimes! Why did you do that? He Who Dares Wins, I've always been the same! Well, this time I reckon that He Who Dared cocked it right up! Thank you.
I know you did it for me but you were stupid and you were embarrassing! Thank you.
Magic! See you, Dave.
Rodney! Here! Oi, here a minute! Come here a minute! Listen.
You are master of your own flat.
Yeah, okay.
You're a man.
Don't want any rules, no collars and lead.
Alright, Del, alright! You've gonna go in there, put your foot down with a firm hand and let her know where she stands.
Right? You've just You just gotta sort it out, alright? Just, you know sort it out.
- Alright.
I'll see you.
- Yeah, I'll see you then.
Ta ta.
I didn't expect you back this early.
No well, here I am.
Cass, can we have a talk? I don't think this is an appropriate time, Roddy.
Maybe later.
Look, I really think we ought to sit down and discuss Hi, buddy, how's it going? What are you doing here? Oh, I was just passing.
So how was Margate? Forget Margate! What are you doing in my flat? Hey, back off, Rod! I mean, what's the problem? Roddy, what's wrong? Well, I'll tell you the problem, shall I? There's something I've really wanted to do for a long time but I've I've never got round to it! So let me run this past you, Stephen.
Try and get your head round this.
Now you know where I'm coming from! Okay? Buddy! Alright, Joanne? What have you done to Stephen? He punched me on the nose! Well, what's she doing here? I thought she was going away for the weekend to her parents! She was but there was a rail strike! Joanne brought this holiday brochure round for us! D'you see anything in it you like? Hello sweetheart? How are you today? Oh good.
How's the Great Ramondo Oh yeah Well, I'm sure in his heart of hearts he understood Oh, we've been back about an hour Yeah.
Mm? No, everyone's alright.
We dropped Rodney off at his house, yeah Cassandra? No, she'll be alright, she'll be as good as gold.
Rodney's a bit of a charmer on the quiet no, he knows how to handle situations Yes I know, sometimes I wish I was a bit more like him and all Old, Albert.
He's feeling much better now, yeah Oh, didn't you hear? He got a whack on the head.
I dunno, I dunno.
The strangest thing.
He was lying in bed last night when all of a sudden a rock came flying through the window, and it caught him a glancing blow on the head Dunno, it's a mystery! It's no mystery to me! Bloody yobbos done it! They should be locked up! That's right, Unc.
That is absolutely right, yeah.
Tell her what happened to Boycie and Mike when they was walking home from the nightclub.
What? What was that? Someone chucked a suitcase through a window.
Caught Mike right on the shoulder fortunately Boycie's head broke its fall.
It's a terrible old world, innit, eh sweetheart? Listen Raquel.
Raquel, you have forgiven me now, haven't you sweetheart? Oh good.
You know it makes sense.
I was thinking about taking the van out for a test drive next Saturday, well I'm fitting a new radio, yeah.
I was thinking I might go down to Margate.
I wouldn't be in a hurry to get home I was just wondering if you could get the Great Raymondo to do a disappearing act? Oh cushty! Yeah.
Oh that's great.
Alright darling, I'll see you next Saturday sweetheart Yeah, alright.
Bye for now.
Bye.
Lovely Jubbly! Oi! What's your game? If you wanna cup of tea go an' make one, you lazy old sod, go on.
Alright bruv? Sort it all out? NVL