Portlandia (2011) s06e07 Episode Script
Family
1 KZFY P-p-p-p-p-Portland.
And 97.
2.
This is Fizzy.
And this is Ziggy.
Welcome and good morning.
Uh, just about the 6:00 hour.
Wake up! - [rooster crowing.]
- [laughter.]
[gunshot.]
When I woke up this morning, my wife was looking at me.
She's like-- she got that belly fat.
Come on.
She suddenly got the belly fat.
I-- you know, I'm on Tinder now.
- What? - Yes, I'm giving it a try.
- [sad muted trombone.]
- Fizzy can't get a date.
Guys, what's wrong with ya? You got a girl here.
She's looking great.
Her hair's looking-- I'm talking blonde.
And we need a cleanup on aisle six, 'cause she is ready to go.
I'm sorry.
We're talking about slip and slide.
- Yeah, baby.
- [water splashes.]
Let me tell you something else too.
We got a couple of announcements.
Louis CK coming up at the Hollywood Theater.
Louis, call me, by the way.
I'm single.
- [squeaking.]
- I'm gonna say it.
I'm okay with a little light spanking.
[slap.]
Fizzy, did you ever get some of that butt makeup? - [boinging.]
- Look, I'm a regular guy.
I like rock and roll.
I like a hot dog and a beer.
But it doesn't even make sense.
Guys, wouldn't you like it if ladies put a little bit of just a blush on some of them butts? - [kissing.]
- [both laughing.]
So Louis CK at the Hollywood Theater.
- [bells ringing, honk.]
- 17 years since my last drink.
I wish I had one every single day.
[button clicks.]
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
So you guys know I dropped out of high school to focus on my entrepreneurial endeavors.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yep.
We encouraged you.
That's why your mom won't speak to us anymore.
Well, I have an opportunity that only comes once in a lifetime, yo.
Once in a lifetime? I have seen the future.
The future comes as strawberry, blueberry, bubble gum, nilla, banilla.
What am I talking about? E-juice.
both: Ooh.
And how do you get to this e-juice, you ask? You vape.
Smoking is out.
Vaping is in.
both: Oh.
And there's over 45 million analog smokers in the US, but only 2 1/2 million e-smokers.
That means this market has a lot of room to grow.
both: Ooh.
In fact, e-cigarette sales have doubled in the last year, going from this to this.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
And all these new vapers, they need a kick-it spot.
They need a place to go, and that's where you guys come in.
I'd like you to be my partners in opening up a vape shop.
There's a space currently available, and I think that if we don't get in there and start vaping, somebody else will.
What do you say? We could move some assets around.
Yeah, but, we could lose our shirts on this.
Yeah.
- Oh.
- Or we could make a $1 million.
Oh, okay.
Give it to him.
How does an investment of $800 sound? Does "Giddy up, new partner" mean anything to you? - All right.
- [laughing.]
Okay, so what are we gonna call this place? I was thinking The Vaped Crusader.
Ooh, what about, Statutory Vape? Mm? [laughing.]
Oh, come here, you.
[both laughing.]
Go away.
Out.
[phone rings.]
Cheap and Shitty Storefront Design.
How may I help you? Oh, that sounds very shitty.
We'll be there later today.
- What do we got? - Another vape store.
What? It is seriously "Planet of the Vapes" around here.
[laughs.]
We tear all the wood out.
We want to get rid of anything that seems natural, authentic.
Get rid of everything here, all those bags.
Get rid of the espresso machine.
Get rid of that.
- That all goes.
That all goes.
- Anything rustic is gone.
Anything authentic, anything organic, anything permanent.
The lighting is too warm in here.
This is too-- I'm feeling too good about this.
You know, I want to see my own zits.
Like a old thrift store or something maybe.
No, that's even too descriptive.
That's too kitschy.
It should just be like part of an airport that you ignore.
Think of hanging out inside a vending machine.
- A cell phone store or a - Mm-hmm.
Batteries Plus.
That's kind of depressing, though.
Nope, nope.
- Also, this is a vape store.
- Yeah.
So we want a carpeting that's going to absorb-- and I don't mean mask-- but literally just absorb the odor so that when people come in here, they're just overwhelmed.
Okay, you want it to be pungent.
- Jaundice.
- You know, sickly, vomitus.
- Just - The taste of bile.
You want it to smell like old bubble gum.
Yeah, have you ever huffed an Air Wick? No.
Make sure your bathroom really has got a toilet that's way too high and kind of big.
Also, two plungers.
Two plungers says it all.
And, uh-- and, you're gonna be working here? Yeah, I think so.
I mean, I don't have a job, but it's my shop.
Hey, do you think we'll get to meet Louis CK? - I hope so.
- His show is so funny.
He performs in it; he directs it.
What most people don't know is, he edits it.
- I know that.
- Editing is the key to so much.
I know what editing is.
'Cause he used to do a three-camera for HBO.
- "Lucky Louie.
" - Yes.
You're starting to be a little bit of a comedy nerd like me.
But, like, "I Love Lucy," for example, is a three-camera.
That's one of the first ones.
I've heard you do this on dates.
- Do not explain this stuff to me.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Oh, This is what editing is.
- Okay, well, you know.
- Hey! - I do.
- Hi.
- What's up, you guys? If you guys are free tomorrow, come to our grand opening.
You guys have a business? Yeah, we got our own store now.
- Yep.
- Oh, my gosh.
Maybe you guys can judge the plume contest.
And was it it? They blow, like, these beautiful [gags.]
Smoke hearts and squares with their mouths.
- It's great.
- Me and Carrie'll do it.
- When is it? - Yeah! 5:00 PM.
5:00 PM.
We'll be there.
- Don't flake out.
- I have not committed, but - I'm committing both of us.
- Okay.
- We're committing.
- Okay.
Okay.
Bye, guys.
- What luck.
- All right.
- A vape shop? - Oh, "Vape My Day.
" I am not going to a vape shop.
Honestly, it just looks bad-- Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately Louis CK is not performing tonight due to a family emergency.
We can't hear you back here.
What happened? There's been a family emergency.
Louis CK is not performing.
Is the show canceled? No, it's been canceled, absolutely.
No, it's been-- is it canceled or not canceled? It's been canceled.
It's been canceled.
And what are the chances the show will be, uh, back on for tomorrow night? I have no more details at this time.
How did you find out? I'm sorry.
That's the only details I can give you.
- But who gave you the details? - I am only the messenger.
I know, but someone gave you the message.
- Okay, okay.
- Sorry, sir.
All right.
That's too bad.
You really are a big fan.
Yeah, I'm a comedy guy.
[upbeat music.]
Oh, well.
We can always just try - Kind of a drag, but - Yeah.
Hey, Fred.
Hey, Carrie.
What are you doing with our toilet? Uh, yeah, it's busted.
How do you know? I, you know, stopped by to use your bathroom while I was doing my, you know, regular landlord check-in.
- Landlord check-in? - Being responsible, yes.
Is that something that's even allowed? Landlord rights, I'm sorry.
Portland has some of the strictest in the country.
Let me ask you something.
Are you flushing toilet paper down the toilet? Yes, is that a problem? That's-- well, yeah.
I mean, you should really go paperless.
This is a very old house.
1800s, it was built, and the pipes-- they're just not made for the super poops of today.
I mean, back then, everybody ate flapjacks and radishes.
Not like today where-- what do you eat? Like, quinoa and tofurt, and that stuff? That's-- that's heavy.
Uh, when are you gonna fix it? Tomorrow afternoon, probably.
Well, what are we supposed to do until then? I'm gonna do something for you.
- But you got to promise-- - Ah! Oh, oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
- Milton, this is - Ew.
Can you just hold this for a second? Disgusting, and this is your house, okay? Yes, well, look.
I'm helping you out.
This is my personal list of the coffee shops in the neighborhood.
And these are the bathroom codes to every one.
Well, it's very big of you to give us your list.
No problem.
I want that back, though.
Well, this is kind of turning out to be a crappy day.
You know, it's, like, Louis CK cancels, family emergency, and now this.
- [laughs.]
- What's funny about it? What did you say? "Family emergency"? Yeah, Louis CK canceled a show.
- He has a family emergency.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
- No, he doesn't.
People just say that to get out of stuff they want to get out of.
You don't cancel a whole show.
It seems serious.
If you had to cancel something big, right, and you just had to get out of it, that's what you say.
Then nobody will ask you, "Oh, what happened?" They just go, "Oh, oh, oh.
" - We'd like our toilet back.
- Yes.
I would like your toilet back too.
- Okay.
- Can you get the door? Yes.
[toilet flushes.]
[knocks.]
I hope Milton fixes our bathroom soon.
What is going on? Um, behind you, 11:00.
There's someone here you might recognize.
[laughs.]
Oh, my God.
- Is that Louis? - That's Louis.
That's so weird.
It seems like he's in no rush to get anywhere.
Everything's been great.
He seems happy.
I thought he had a family emergency.
I thought he was gonna go out of town.
I can't think of any bad things recently.
I'm gonna do a quick picture.
- Okay.
- [murmurs indistinctly.]
[upbeat drum music.]
- That's hilarious.
- Excuse us.
- Hi.
- Sorry to interrupt.
- I'm-- I'm Carrie.
- I'm Fred.
- Are you Louis? - Yep, yeah.
- We're huge fans.
- Thanks, guys.
- Great to meet you.
- We're, like, comedy nerds.
- We're, like, really into comedy.
- Hey, uh, Cindy.
Can I call you back? No, you didn't have to do that.
Well, now I already-- We didn't want to interrupt anything.
Yeah, we just wanted to give you our condolences.
We went to your show.
We paid for tickets.
And then there was a family emergency, so You could just feel the sense of sympathy.
Thank you so much, and I'm sorry about the show, but it was an unavoidable family emergency.
- How you doing, buddy? - I'm fine, thank you.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, everything's fine.
Was it a hospital or a funeral home that you had to go to? That's all I can say at this time.
If it's a family emergency, why aren't you at the location? - Because I have to be here.
- You let us all down yesterday.
- When you canceled your show.
- It's not me that let you down.
Oh, so you're throwing your family under the bus a little.
They let us down.
Well, they're the ones who didn't look after the baby.
Ah, so there's a baby, and this is why it's so embarrassing.
It's-- is it your baby? Is this baby okay? Is this baby alive? - Almost.
- You're baby's almost alive.
- Yeah.
- Here's the thing.
I think most people assumed you wouldn't be here because you canceled a show.
And here you are in Portland - Yeah, okay.
- In a coffee shop-- And most people don't know that.
You guys know it.
You just keep it-- You don't have to worry about it, right? Well, we took a picture.
Fred took a picture on his phone.
Why'd you do that? That's all we can say at this time.
Okay, why don't you guys have a seat? I think we all know that I did not have a family emergency.
I knew it.
Yeah, we were starting to suspect that.
Yeah, okay, very good.
The truth is, I was bidding on a vintage camera on eBay, and the auction was gonna end right during the show, so that's why I made up the family emergency thing, so that-- Couldn't a-- an assistant have done that for you? It's that feeling, you know, on eBay when you get the, "Eh, I got it, I got it, I got it.
" I wanted to, like, live that.
That's a really big deal to me.
Wow, you shouldn't be so cavalier with your audience.
To say a family emergency? Well, but the thing about saying "family emergency" is that nobody asks questions, 'cause it's like, "Uhh," you know? - Right.
- Did you get the camera? Yeah, and then the guy who's selling it is right here in Portland, so it's, like, perfect.
It's a small town, Portland.
And I'm not one of those jerks who's like, "I'm gonna go online and tell everybody.
" I can't lose the FFE thing, the Fake Family Emergency thing.
It's a big deal in my life.
I use it for a lot of things.
Here's the thing.
We just want to hang out with you.
If you promise to have dinner with us, we will never tell anyone about your whole fake family emergency thing.
I got to be honest with you guys.
I really don't want to hang out with you.
It's gonna be kind of like a chore for me, but I'm willing to do it if you don't tell people about my fake family emergency, which I depend on.
- That's great.
- That's a deal.
- Okay? Is that good? Okay.
- That's great, yeah.
Uh, uh, everyone, hello? Uh, welcome to the grand opening of Vape My Day.
- [cheers and applause.]
- All right.
Before we have some fun sucking up these dope flavors [cheers and applause.]
I just want to thank my wife, Kristine, for making all this possible.
[cheers and applause.]
And my nephew Andy for putting this dream team together.
- [cheers and applause.]
- All right.
Okay, have some fun.
Oh, uh, and don't forget to sign up for the plume contest.
- Gonna be great.
- Right.
[applause.]
[quirky music.]
Okay, so let's go home, get ready for dinner, and then, um, I guess we'll just kind of blow off the vape thing, right? Ebbe and Kristine? I don't know if we can do that.
You promised we'd judge the plume contest.
When is the next time we're gonna have the opportunity to blackmail Louis CK into dinner? We cannot tell them that we got a better offer.
I don't know what we're gonna do.
- Me neither.
- [sighs.]
[gasps.]
I know what we can say.
[cell phone chimes.]
- Um, honey.
- What? Oh, Fred and Carrie can't come.
They had a family emergency.
- Oh, that sounds serious.
- That sucks.
They're probably identifying a body or dental records right now.
Or maybe they had a car accident.
Or they're at a ranch and a horse bucked somebody off.
Oh, my gosh.
All right.
- We got to take care of this.
- [techno music.]
Excuse-- Hello, hello? - Excuse me, everybody.
- [music stops.]
Um, our dear friends, Fred and Carrie, they were supposed to be here tonight to judge our contest, but they cannot be here, due to a family emergency.
I don't think I need to tell you what that means.
So in their honor, I would appreciate it if we all had a plume of silence.
[solemn music.]
[all inhaling.]
[all exhaling.]
[coughing softly.]
[coughing.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
- Oh, look.
They texted back already.
"Our prayers are with you.
" Whoa.
- They bought it.
- It totally worked.
We're free.
And also their prayers will go into our nice night.
Like, we'll have a good dinner with Louis.
It's so funny I'm calling him Louis now.
What are we gonna talk to him about? I'm doing relationship stuff.
You're gonna talk to him about your personal life? Carrie, you want to be vulnerable in front of comedians.
You want to be, like, "Yeah, I find my own body ugly.
Right?" I think that'll be a good starter.
Write that down.
[quirky music.]
[electronic chime.]
[muffled.]
Hey, Smitty.
[country music.]
- How you doing? - Good.
Listen, last time I was in here, I remember seeing a potty.
Uh, is it still for sale? - [button clicks.]
- You mean that potty? [button clicks.]
Oh, yeah, that green one.
That's it.
Well, everything's for sale.
- For a price.
- Hey, how about if I swap you? My potty for your potty.
What kind of potty? A broken potty.
[tense music.]
[country music.]
[man singing indistinctly.]
- It's, uh - [eerie piano flourish.]
- No deal.
- Oh, come on! No.
Smitty.
[suspenseful music.]
Stupid toilet.
[tense instrumental music.]
Hey, kid, you got a light? No, I don't need one.
What the hell are you smoking there, a remote control? I'm not smoking.
I'm vaping.
- Oh, so that's vaping.
- Yeah, dog.
It's way better than that cancer stick you're about to light up.
Is it healthier? Uh, we really have no idea.
- I like what I'm smelling.
- Oh, yeah? Follow me.
[jazzy music.]
[light instrumental music.]
- Thank you.
- Don't you hate waiters? What? It's like, what exactly is your job, sir? They take your order.
Then they bring you-- Then they bring you food.
I'm the kind of guy-- I like-- I like to mess with people.
So, like, if a waiter comes in and goes, "Can I take your order?" I'll go, like, "No, I'll take my order.
"You can write down my order, but you're not taking it, 'cause I would like to take it to go.
" So where are you guys-- you guys are from Portland, both of you? Did you grow up here or - Are you from Portland? - [both laughing.]
That's great.
That's great.
I'm just trying to have a conversation.
I'm asking you, are you from Portland? What's usually the punch line? The punch line is usually that you tell me.
Uh-huh.
Oh, and then you do a riff on it, so I'll-- Okay, yeah, I get it.
No, you tell me where you grew up, and then we make connections as human beings.
- That's one option.
- Right.
That's great.
- Oh, it just-- - That is great.
both: Can we just talk like human beings? Apparently you can't talk like human beings.
- Well, I'll tell you what.
- What? You want to talk real? Where are the piano teachers? What? Where are the damn piano teachers? You know, when you're a kid-- Is this like trying to be a comedy bit? - Yeah.
- Okay, go ahead.
Let me hear the "where did the piano teachers go" bit.
Well, when you're a kid, you got your baseball coach, you got your football, and it's a piano teacher, you know, damn pain in the neck.
You got to go take your piano lessons.
- Where are the piano teachers? - Here's the thing.
The point of comedy is, you ask a question that people go, "Yeah, I'm not sure about that.
" - You know, I-- - You can't just ask a question.
- No, I-- - How long-- How long is a meter compared to a yard? That's not a joke.
But you can-- there's a way you can perform it where it becomes funny.
Let me see you make that funny.
All right, where are the damn piano teachers? Look, guys, I've had a long day, and I really would like to just power through dinner, okay? Society's like that now.
We power through meals.
We power through relationships.
Also, where do people get "powwow" from? - I'm being serious.
- [cell phone buzzes.]
You know, it's like, "Do I say 'moo-moo' or 'blah-blah'?" It's like these made-up words that we somehow-- Uh, okay, I got to pick up that camera I won on eBay.
Could you guys give me a-- give me a ride? both: - Yeah.
- That would be great.
- Of course.
- Can we have the check, please? So soon? Yeah, let's hang out for a little bit.
- Yeah, no, let's go.
- We'll take you there.
- No, let's go.
- No, let's wait for a second.
I'm not done eating.
The whole damn world is in a rush.
Where's everyone going? And also, what happened to people looking at their watches? You're all looking at your phones.
It is just-- I'm serious.
Now, what flavor am I sucking on? - Ripe cherry.
- Ah.
You ought to try the pesto.
That's my favorite.
- Pesto.
- Try the rye bread.
Rye bread? I'm getting hungry.
- Yeah.
- [all laughing.]
Let me ask you a question, though.
How come you got seats reserved for Fred and Carrie? - They were supposed to be here.
- Yeah.
But they had a family emergency.
- Yeah.
- Huh.
Yeah.
[laughing.]
Okay, yeah.
Oh, that's a good one.
Hey, that's not funny.
- That's serious.
- [scoffs.]
They don't have a family emergency.
That's what you say if you want to get out of something and you don't want to explain yourself.
Well, if they didn't have a family emergency and they're not at our grand opening, then where are they? If murder was legal, I might've killed a few people.
- [laughter.]
- I don't know.
You know, guys, could you turn that off? - Oh, really? - Yeah.
- But we really need the law - Ah, sure.
- Against murder.
- Thank you.
So do that joke again.
What was the, um-- the one we just heard? I mean, it's not something I can just turn on and do, you know? It's like, what if I asked you, like, sing, uh you know, sing the national anthem right now? - Okay.
both: - oh-oh, say can you see by the dawn's Do you want to hear the whole thing? They're not having a family emergency? No, no, I know for a fact.
I'm their landlord.
They said nothing about coming to the opening of a vape show.
- You mean they blew us off? - I'm sorry.
- But they love massive plumes.
- Do they? - Here's a question.
- What? Anyone playing tic-tac-toe anymore? - I'm serious.
- Hey, I need you to-- I need you to make a left here, okay? Hang a Louis? [turn signal clicking.]
That's not funny.
This is where you're meeting the camera guy? Yeah, I guess he works in his vape store.
He's coming out in a minute.
Hi.
Hey, how you doing? - Louis CK? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You bought my camera? I did, yep.
That's right, paid for it.
- We should get out of here.
- Thank you.
- All right, let's go.
- Let's roll out.
- All right, thank you.
- [gasps.]
- Wow, Louis CK! - Look! Look at him! - Hi, how are you? - Oh, my God.
- How are you? Hi.
- Bought your camera.
- Fred and Carrie.
- Ah.
- Hi.
- Oh, amazing you're here.
- It is amazing.
- How is your family? Thank you for asking.
They're-- they're doing better.
- Quite an emergency, I see.
- Yeah.
- But how about that camera? - Yeah, whoo.
No, no, no.
Come on now.
These two were supposed to judge our plume contest tonight, but instead, they told us they had a family emergency.
- Yeah.
- So they lied to you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
They were actually with you, I guess.
- That's terrible.
- Yes.
You guys, that's really gross.
I had no idea you were such awful peop-- what kind of person would do a thing like that? I don't know.
Louis, you want to come in and do a set? We got a bunch of guys with nothing to do.
- Sure.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- We have a crappy PA.
- Yeah.
- You don't want to do that.
- Ah, I don't care.
It's fine.
I'll do a set anywhere.
- Really? - I'll tell jokes to anybody.
- Whee.
Thank you so much.
- I'm so excited.
- Oh, I love it.
- Oh, jeez.
Um, we're full up in here, you guys, sorry.
There's room right in there.
We can go in.
No, no, no, no, no, we're at capacity.
It's just us, though.
That's all we can say at this time.
- [groans.]
- Okay.
- Great, thanks.
- All right, well I guess we can watch through the window.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, Fred.
Hey, Carrie.
- Hey.
- Hi, Milton.
- Hey, look.
I got your toilet.
- [gasps.]
You can put it in tonight.
No, its gonna take me a few more days at least, but I have some new bathroom codes for, you know, the local 7-Elevens, gas stations, Laundromats.
This is a downgrade.
Some of those aren't even clean.
I'm sorry.
Hey, I got to get back inside.
Louis CK's about to perform.
And also, I was at a restaurant, and I was thinking, you know, don't you hate waiters? - [laughter.]
- I just hate waiters.
It's like, what are you giving me? You're bringing me my food? Don't take my order.
I'll take my order.
[laughter.]
And what's up with-- There used to be so many piano teachers.
- [laughter and cheers.]
- Right? - It's true! It's true, yeah! - Right? I mean, it used to be like, "Piano teacher, what's up?".
Now it's like-- Where are all the piano teachers? I mean, it blows my mind.
They're gone.
I'm serious.
And 97.
2.
This is Fizzy.
And this is Ziggy.
Welcome and good morning.
Uh, just about the 6:00 hour.
Wake up! - [rooster crowing.]
- [laughter.]
[gunshot.]
When I woke up this morning, my wife was looking at me.
She's like-- she got that belly fat.
Come on.
She suddenly got the belly fat.
I-- you know, I'm on Tinder now.
- What? - Yes, I'm giving it a try.
- [sad muted trombone.]
- Fizzy can't get a date.
Guys, what's wrong with ya? You got a girl here.
She's looking great.
Her hair's looking-- I'm talking blonde.
And we need a cleanup on aisle six, 'cause she is ready to go.
I'm sorry.
We're talking about slip and slide.
- Yeah, baby.
- [water splashes.]
Let me tell you something else too.
We got a couple of announcements.
Louis CK coming up at the Hollywood Theater.
Louis, call me, by the way.
I'm single.
- [squeaking.]
- I'm gonna say it.
I'm okay with a little light spanking.
[slap.]
Fizzy, did you ever get some of that butt makeup? - [boinging.]
- Look, I'm a regular guy.
I like rock and roll.
I like a hot dog and a beer.
But it doesn't even make sense.
Guys, wouldn't you like it if ladies put a little bit of just a blush on some of them butts? - [kissing.]
- [both laughing.]
So Louis CK at the Hollywood Theater.
- [bells ringing, honk.]
- 17 years since my last drink.
I wish I had one every single day.
[button clicks.]
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
So you guys know I dropped out of high school to focus on my entrepreneurial endeavors.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yep.
We encouraged you.
That's why your mom won't speak to us anymore.
Well, I have an opportunity that only comes once in a lifetime, yo.
Once in a lifetime? I have seen the future.
The future comes as strawberry, blueberry, bubble gum, nilla, banilla.
What am I talking about? E-juice.
both: Ooh.
And how do you get to this e-juice, you ask? You vape.
Smoking is out.
Vaping is in.
both: Oh.
And there's over 45 million analog smokers in the US, but only 2 1/2 million e-smokers.
That means this market has a lot of room to grow.
both: Ooh.
In fact, e-cigarette sales have doubled in the last year, going from this to this.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
And all these new vapers, they need a kick-it spot.
They need a place to go, and that's where you guys come in.
I'd like you to be my partners in opening up a vape shop.
There's a space currently available, and I think that if we don't get in there and start vaping, somebody else will.
What do you say? We could move some assets around.
Yeah, but, we could lose our shirts on this.
Yeah.
- Oh.
- Or we could make a $1 million.
Oh, okay.
Give it to him.
How does an investment of $800 sound? Does "Giddy up, new partner" mean anything to you? - All right.
- [laughing.]
Okay, so what are we gonna call this place? I was thinking The Vaped Crusader.
Ooh, what about, Statutory Vape? Mm? [laughing.]
Oh, come here, you.
[both laughing.]
Go away.
Out.
[phone rings.]
Cheap and Shitty Storefront Design.
How may I help you? Oh, that sounds very shitty.
We'll be there later today.
- What do we got? - Another vape store.
What? It is seriously "Planet of the Vapes" around here.
[laughs.]
We tear all the wood out.
We want to get rid of anything that seems natural, authentic.
Get rid of everything here, all those bags.
Get rid of the espresso machine.
Get rid of that.
- That all goes.
That all goes.
- Anything rustic is gone.
Anything authentic, anything organic, anything permanent.
The lighting is too warm in here.
This is too-- I'm feeling too good about this.
You know, I want to see my own zits.
Like a old thrift store or something maybe.
No, that's even too descriptive.
That's too kitschy.
It should just be like part of an airport that you ignore.
Think of hanging out inside a vending machine.
- A cell phone store or a - Mm-hmm.
Batteries Plus.
That's kind of depressing, though.
Nope, nope.
- Also, this is a vape store.
- Yeah.
So we want a carpeting that's going to absorb-- and I don't mean mask-- but literally just absorb the odor so that when people come in here, they're just overwhelmed.
Okay, you want it to be pungent.
- Jaundice.
- You know, sickly, vomitus.
- Just - The taste of bile.
You want it to smell like old bubble gum.
Yeah, have you ever huffed an Air Wick? No.
Make sure your bathroom really has got a toilet that's way too high and kind of big.
Also, two plungers.
Two plungers says it all.
And, uh-- and, you're gonna be working here? Yeah, I think so.
I mean, I don't have a job, but it's my shop.
Hey, do you think we'll get to meet Louis CK? - I hope so.
- His show is so funny.
He performs in it; he directs it.
What most people don't know is, he edits it.
- I know that.
- Editing is the key to so much.
I know what editing is.
'Cause he used to do a three-camera for HBO.
- "Lucky Louie.
" - Yes.
You're starting to be a little bit of a comedy nerd like me.
But, like, "I Love Lucy," for example, is a three-camera.
That's one of the first ones.
I've heard you do this on dates.
- Do not explain this stuff to me.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Oh, This is what editing is.
- Okay, well, you know.
- Hey! - I do.
- Hi.
- What's up, you guys? If you guys are free tomorrow, come to our grand opening.
You guys have a business? Yeah, we got our own store now.
- Yep.
- Oh, my gosh.
Maybe you guys can judge the plume contest.
And was it it? They blow, like, these beautiful [gags.]
Smoke hearts and squares with their mouths.
- It's great.
- Me and Carrie'll do it.
- When is it? - Yeah! 5:00 PM.
5:00 PM.
We'll be there.
- Don't flake out.
- I have not committed, but - I'm committing both of us.
- Okay.
- We're committing.
- Okay.
Okay.
Bye, guys.
- What luck.
- All right.
- A vape shop? - Oh, "Vape My Day.
" I am not going to a vape shop.
Honestly, it just looks bad-- Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately Louis CK is not performing tonight due to a family emergency.
We can't hear you back here.
What happened? There's been a family emergency.
Louis CK is not performing.
Is the show canceled? No, it's been canceled, absolutely.
No, it's been-- is it canceled or not canceled? It's been canceled.
It's been canceled.
And what are the chances the show will be, uh, back on for tomorrow night? I have no more details at this time.
How did you find out? I'm sorry.
That's the only details I can give you.
- But who gave you the details? - I am only the messenger.
I know, but someone gave you the message.
- Okay, okay.
- Sorry, sir.
All right.
That's too bad.
You really are a big fan.
Yeah, I'm a comedy guy.
[upbeat music.]
Oh, well.
We can always just try - Kind of a drag, but - Yeah.
Hey, Fred.
Hey, Carrie.
What are you doing with our toilet? Uh, yeah, it's busted.
How do you know? I, you know, stopped by to use your bathroom while I was doing my, you know, regular landlord check-in.
- Landlord check-in? - Being responsible, yes.
Is that something that's even allowed? Landlord rights, I'm sorry.
Portland has some of the strictest in the country.
Let me ask you something.
Are you flushing toilet paper down the toilet? Yes, is that a problem? That's-- well, yeah.
I mean, you should really go paperless.
This is a very old house.
1800s, it was built, and the pipes-- they're just not made for the super poops of today.
I mean, back then, everybody ate flapjacks and radishes.
Not like today where-- what do you eat? Like, quinoa and tofurt, and that stuff? That's-- that's heavy.
Uh, when are you gonna fix it? Tomorrow afternoon, probably.
Well, what are we supposed to do until then? I'm gonna do something for you.
- But you got to promise-- - Ah! Oh, oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
- Milton, this is - Ew.
Can you just hold this for a second? Disgusting, and this is your house, okay? Yes, well, look.
I'm helping you out.
This is my personal list of the coffee shops in the neighborhood.
And these are the bathroom codes to every one.
Well, it's very big of you to give us your list.
No problem.
I want that back, though.
Well, this is kind of turning out to be a crappy day.
You know, it's, like, Louis CK cancels, family emergency, and now this.
- [laughs.]
- What's funny about it? What did you say? "Family emergency"? Yeah, Louis CK canceled a show.
- He has a family emergency.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
- No, he doesn't.
People just say that to get out of stuff they want to get out of.
You don't cancel a whole show.
It seems serious.
If you had to cancel something big, right, and you just had to get out of it, that's what you say.
Then nobody will ask you, "Oh, what happened?" They just go, "Oh, oh, oh.
" - We'd like our toilet back.
- Yes.
I would like your toilet back too.
- Okay.
- Can you get the door? Yes.
[toilet flushes.]
[knocks.]
I hope Milton fixes our bathroom soon.
What is going on? Um, behind you, 11:00.
There's someone here you might recognize.
[laughs.]
Oh, my God.
- Is that Louis? - That's Louis.
That's so weird.
It seems like he's in no rush to get anywhere.
Everything's been great.
He seems happy.
I thought he had a family emergency.
I thought he was gonna go out of town.
I can't think of any bad things recently.
I'm gonna do a quick picture.
- Okay.
- [murmurs indistinctly.]
[upbeat drum music.]
- That's hilarious.
- Excuse us.
- Hi.
- Sorry to interrupt.
- I'm-- I'm Carrie.
- I'm Fred.
- Are you Louis? - Yep, yeah.
- We're huge fans.
- Thanks, guys.
- Great to meet you.
- We're, like, comedy nerds.
- We're, like, really into comedy.
- Hey, uh, Cindy.
Can I call you back? No, you didn't have to do that.
Well, now I already-- We didn't want to interrupt anything.
Yeah, we just wanted to give you our condolences.
We went to your show.
We paid for tickets.
And then there was a family emergency, so You could just feel the sense of sympathy.
Thank you so much, and I'm sorry about the show, but it was an unavoidable family emergency.
- How you doing, buddy? - I'm fine, thank you.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, everything's fine.
Was it a hospital or a funeral home that you had to go to? That's all I can say at this time.
If it's a family emergency, why aren't you at the location? - Because I have to be here.
- You let us all down yesterday.
- When you canceled your show.
- It's not me that let you down.
Oh, so you're throwing your family under the bus a little.
They let us down.
Well, they're the ones who didn't look after the baby.
Ah, so there's a baby, and this is why it's so embarrassing.
It's-- is it your baby? Is this baby okay? Is this baby alive? - Almost.
- You're baby's almost alive.
- Yeah.
- Here's the thing.
I think most people assumed you wouldn't be here because you canceled a show.
And here you are in Portland - Yeah, okay.
- In a coffee shop-- And most people don't know that.
You guys know it.
You just keep it-- You don't have to worry about it, right? Well, we took a picture.
Fred took a picture on his phone.
Why'd you do that? That's all we can say at this time.
Okay, why don't you guys have a seat? I think we all know that I did not have a family emergency.
I knew it.
Yeah, we were starting to suspect that.
Yeah, okay, very good.
The truth is, I was bidding on a vintage camera on eBay, and the auction was gonna end right during the show, so that's why I made up the family emergency thing, so that-- Couldn't a-- an assistant have done that for you? It's that feeling, you know, on eBay when you get the, "Eh, I got it, I got it, I got it.
" I wanted to, like, live that.
That's a really big deal to me.
Wow, you shouldn't be so cavalier with your audience.
To say a family emergency? Well, but the thing about saying "family emergency" is that nobody asks questions, 'cause it's like, "Uhh," you know? - Right.
- Did you get the camera? Yeah, and then the guy who's selling it is right here in Portland, so it's, like, perfect.
It's a small town, Portland.
And I'm not one of those jerks who's like, "I'm gonna go online and tell everybody.
" I can't lose the FFE thing, the Fake Family Emergency thing.
It's a big deal in my life.
I use it for a lot of things.
Here's the thing.
We just want to hang out with you.
If you promise to have dinner with us, we will never tell anyone about your whole fake family emergency thing.
I got to be honest with you guys.
I really don't want to hang out with you.
It's gonna be kind of like a chore for me, but I'm willing to do it if you don't tell people about my fake family emergency, which I depend on.
- That's great.
- That's a deal.
- Okay? Is that good? Okay.
- That's great, yeah.
Uh, uh, everyone, hello? Uh, welcome to the grand opening of Vape My Day.
- [cheers and applause.]
- All right.
Before we have some fun sucking up these dope flavors [cheers and applause.]
I just want to thank my wife, Kristine, for making all this possible.
[cheers and applause.]
And my nephew Andy for putting this dream team together.
- [cheers and applause.]
- All right.
Okay, have some fun.
Oh, uh, and don't forget to sign up for the plume contest.
- Gonna be great.
- Right.
[applause.]
[quirky music.]
Okay, so let's go home, get ready for dinner, and then, um, I guess we'll just kind of blow off the vape thing, right? Ebbe and Kristine? I don't know if we can do that.
You promised we'd judge the plume contest.
When is the next time we're gonna have the opportunity to blackmail Louis CK into dinner? We cannot tell them that we got a better offer.
I don't know what we're gonna do.
- Me neither.
- [sighs.]
[gasps.]
I know what we can say.
[cell phone chimes.]
- Um, honey.
- What? Oh, Fred and Carrie can't come.
They had a family emergency.
- Oh, that sounds serious.
- That sucks.
They're probably identifying a body or dental records right now.
Or maybe they had a car accident.
Or they're at a ranch and a horse bucked somebody off.
Oh, my gosh.
All right.
- We got to take care of this.
- [techno music.]
Excuse-- Hello, hello? - Excuse me, everybody.
- [music stops.]
Um, our dear friends, Fred and Carrie, they were supposed to be here tonight to judge our contest, but they cannot be here, due to a family emergency.
I don't think I need to tell you what that means.
So in their honor, I would appreciate it if we all had a plume of silence.
[solemn music.]
[all inhaling.]
[all exhaling.]
[coughing softly.]
[coughing.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
- Oh, look.
They texted back already.
"Our prayers are with you.
" Whoa.
- They bought it.
- It totally worked.
We're free.
And also their prayers will go into our nice night.
Like, we'll have a good dinner with Louis.
It's so funny I'm calling him Louis now.
What are we gonna talk to him about? I'm doing relationship stuff.
You're gonna talk to him about your personal life? Carrie, you want to be vulnerable in front of comedians.
You want to be, like, "Yeah, I find my own body ugly.
Right?" I think that'll be a good starter.
Write that down.
[quirky music.]
[electronic chime.]
[muffled.]
Hey, Smitty.
[country music.]
- How you doing? - Good.
Listen, last time I was in here, I remember seeing a potty.
Uh, is it still for sale? - [button clicks.]
- You mean that potty? [button clicks.]
Oh, yeah, that green one.
That's it.
Well, everything's for sale.
- For a price.
- Hey, how about if I swap you? My potty for your potty.
What kind of potty? A broken potty.
[tense music.]
[country music.]
[man singing indistinctly.]
- It's, uh - [eerie piano flourish.]
- No deal.
- Oh, come on! No.
Smitty.
[suspenseful music.]
Stupid toilet.
[tense instrumental music.]
Hey, kid, you got a light? No, I don't need one.
What the hell are you smoking there, a remote control? I'm not smoking.
I'm vaping.
- Oh, so that's vaping.
- Yeah, dog.
It's way better than that cancer stick you're about to light up.
Is it healthier? Uh, we really have no idea.
- I like what I'm smelling.
- Oh, yeah? Follow me.
[jazzy music.]
[light instrumental music.]
- Thank you.
- Don't you hate waiters? What? It's like, what exactly is your job, sir? They take your order.
Then they bring you-- Then they bring you food.
I'm the kind of guy-- I like-- I like to mess with people.
So, like, if a waiter comes in and goes, "Can I take your order?" I'll go, like, "No, I'll take my order.
"You can write down my order, but you're not taking it, 'cause I would like to take it to go.
" So where are you guys-- you guys are from Portland, both of you? Did you grow up here or - Are you from Portland? - [both laughing.]
That's great.
That's great.
I'm just trying to have a conversation.
I'm asking you, are you from Portland? What's usually the punch line? The punch line is usually that you tell me.
Uh-huh.
Oh, and then you do a riff on it, so I'll-- Okay, yeah, I get it.
No, you tell me where you grew up, and then we make connections as human beings.
- That's one option.
- Right.
That's great.
- Oh, it just-- - That is great.
both: Can we just talk like human beings? Apparently you can't talk like human beings.
- Well, I'll tell you what.
- What? You want to talk real? Where are the piano teachers? What? Where are the damn piano teachers? You know, when you're a kid-- Is this like trying to be a comedy bit? - Yeah.
- Okay, go ahead.
Let me hear the "where did the piano teachers go" bit.
Well, when you're a kid, you got your baseball coach, you got your football, and it's a piano teacher, you know, damn pain in the neck.
You got to go take your piano lessons.
- Where are the piano teachers? - Here's the thing.
The point of comedy is, you ask a question that people go, "Yeah, I'm not sure about that.
" - You know, I-- - You can't just ask a question.
- No, I-- - How long-- How long is a meter compared to a yard? That's not a joke.
But you can-- there's a way you can perform it where it becomes funny.
Let me see you make that funny.
All right, where are the damn piano teachers? Look, guys, I've had a long day, and I really would like to just power through dinner, okay? Society's like that now.
We power through meals.
We power through relationships.
Also, where do people get "powwow" from? - I'm being serious.
- [cell phone buzzes.]
You know, it's like, "Do I say 'moo-moo' or 'blah-blah'?" It's like these made-up words that we somehow-- Uh, okay, I got to pick up that camera I won on eBay.
Could you guys give me a-- give me a ride? both: - Yeah.
- That would be great.
- Of course.
- Can we have the check, please? So soon? Yeah, let's hang out for a little bit.
- Yeah, no, let's go.
- We'll take you there.
- No, let's go.
- No, let's wait for a second.
I'm not done eating.
The whole damn world is in a rush.
Where's everyone going? And also, what happened to people looking at their watches? You're all looking at your phones.
It is just-- I'm serious.
Now, what flavor am I sucking on? - Ripe cherry.
- Ah.
You ought to try the pesto.
That's my favorite.
- Pesto.
- Try the rye bread.
Rye bread? I'm getting hungry.
- Yeah.
- [all laughing.]
Let me ask you a question, though.
How come you got seats reserved for Fred and Carrie? - They were supposed to be here.
- Yeah.
But they had a family emergency.
- Yeah.
- Huh.
Yeah.
[laughing.]
Okay, yeah.
Oh, that's a good one.
Hey, that's not funny.
- That's serious.
- [scoffs.]
They don't have a family emergency.
That's what you say if you want to get out of something and you don't want to explain yourself.
Well, if they didn't have a family emergency and they're not at our grand opening, then where are they? If murder was legal, I might've killed a few people.
- [laughter.]
- I don't know.
You know, guys, could you turn that off? - Oh, really? - Yeah.
- But we really need the law - Ah, sure.
- Against murder.
- Thank you.
So do that joke again.
What was the, um-- the one we just heard? I mean, it's not something I can just turn on and do, you know? It's like, what if I asked you, like, sing, uh you know, sing the national anthem right now? - Okay.
both: - oh-oh, say can you see by the dawn's Do you want to hear the whole thing? They're not having a family emergency? No, no, I know for a fact.
I'm their landlord.
They said nothing about coming to the opening of a vape show.
- You mean they blew us off? - I'm sorry.
- But they love massive plumes.
- Do they? - Here's a question.
- What? Anyone playing tic-tac-toe anymore? - I'm serious.
- Hey, I need you to-- I need you to make a left here, okay? Hang a Louis? [turn signal clicking.]
That's not funny.
This is where you're meeting the camera guy? Yeah, I guess he works in his vape store.
He's coming out in a minute.
Hi.
Hey, how you doing? - Louis CK? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You bought my camera? I did, yep.
That's right, paid for it.
- We should get out of here.
- Thank you.
- All right, let's go.
- Let's roll out.
- All right, thank you.
- [gasps.]
- Wow, Louis CK! - Look! Look at him! - Hi, how are you? - Oh, my God.
- How are you? Hi.
- Bought your camera.
- Fred and Carrie.
- Ah.
- Hi.
- Oh, amazing you're here.
- It is amazing.
- How is your family? Thank you for asking.
They're-- they're doing better.
- Quite an emergency, I see.
- Yeah.
- But how about that camera? - Yeah, whoo.
No, no, no.
Come on now.
These two were supposed to judge our plume contest tonight, but instead, they told us they had a family emergency.
- Yeah.
- So they lied to you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
They were actually with you, I guess.
- That's terrible.
- Yes.
You guys, that's really gross.
I had no idea you were such awful peop-- what kind of person would do a thing like that? I don't know.
Louis, you want to come in and do a set? We got a bunch of guys with nothing to do.
- Sure.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- We have a crappy PA.
- Yeah.
- You don't want to do that.
- Ah, I don't care.
It's fine.
I'll do a set anywhere.
- Really? - I'll tell jokes to anybody.
- Whee.
Thank you so much.
- I'm so excited.
- Oh, I love it.
- Oh, jeez.
Um, we're full up in here, you guys, sorry.
There's room right in there.
We can go in.
No, no, no, no, no, we're at capacity.
It's just us, though.
That's all we can say at this time.
- [groans.]
- Okay.
- Great, thanks.
- All right, well I guess we can watch through the window.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, Fred.
Hey, Carrie.
- Hey.
- Hi, Milton.
- Hey, look.
I got your toilet.
- [gasps.]
You can put it in tonight.
No, its gonna take me a few more days at least, but I have some new bathroom codes for, you know, the local 7-Elevens, gas stations, Laundromats.
This is a downgrade.
Some of those aren't even clean.
I'm sorry.
Hey, I got to get back inside.
Louis CK's about to perform.
And also, I was at a restaurant, and I was thinking, you know, don't you hate waiters? - [laughter.]
- I just hate waiters.
It's like, what are you giving me? You're bringing me my food? Don't take my order.
I'll take my order.
[laughter.]
And what's up with-- There used to be so many piano teachers.
- [laughter and cheers.]
- Right? - It's true! It's true, yeah! - Right? I mean, it used to be like, "Piano teacher, what's up?".
Now it's like-- Where are all the piano teachers? I mean, it blows my mind.
They're gone.
I'm serious.