Reno 911! (2003) s06e07 Episode Script

Man on radio: unit 68, we got a driver asleep at the wheel On route 90.
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
You got to be kidding me.
Hey! Hey, moron! Hey! Hey, moron! I guess he's a Rip van Winkle.
Hey! Hey! Hey, buddy! Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, how you doing? Man: tree! Aah! Son of a bitch.
God damn it.
Huh! [Coughs.]
They all have guns! Woo-Hoo! Ow! Push 'em.
Push 'em together? Sheriff's department! I need your bike! Oh, god! [Sirens approaching.]
[Fires two shots, empty gun clicks.]
Uh! Uh! Boss, boss, you're over the line.
Aah! MTV networks Officer Jim Dangle: I've had it.
I thought it was pretty good, but it doesn't mean it's OK.
Uh, the prisoners have done a new batch of toilet wine, And it's actually-It's surprisingly decent.
It's got good legs, and it- But it's still-They Shouldn't have it, so if you catch them in there With it, I don't care if it's a '92.
Officer Jack Declan, muffled voice: they saved some toilet Wine from '92 and they're drinking it now? No, I was saying it was a 92 point.
If it was gonna be given a point system Oh, oh.
Say, in wine spectar I thought it was age.
Are you OK? What happened to your mouth? Something wrong with your-You got your tongue pierced.
Officer Trudy Wiegel: they were giving out free coupons in the newspaper This weekend.
I got one, too, see? Officer Franky Rizzo: Sunday paper.
Dangle: you both got suckered into Getting your tongue pierced by a coupon in the newspaper? I didn't get suckered in.
There was a coupon for a free tongue piercing, so I took it.
He would have been an idiot not to take the deal.
It was a great deal.
Dangle: did you also get your tongue pierced? Yeah.
Wait.
3 of you got your tongue pierced? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because there was a coupon in the paper.
Officer Travis Junior: and you got to keep the stud, too.
That's normally a $45 value.
You did, too? Yeah.
It's 45 bucks down.
I'm up 45 bucks.
Wiegel: hey, you got a gold one? I got a gold one, yeah.
How much extra did a gold one cost? No way! Oh, I didn't know that.
I would have got a gold one, too.
Travis: they expect you to go in and get a free stud, then spend All kinds of money on tattoos and Rizzo: all the bells and the whistles.
I didn't fall for that.
I didn't fall for that.
The joke's on them.
$45 out the door.
Well, I'm glad at least there's a couple of us that Will be around.
You'll be on the phones today, then, I guess, OK? They got you, too.
Yep? Yeah.
Can I say something to Raineesha? You had your labia pierced? You're a lady.
That's gross.
Ahoy, fucker.
Hey, bud.
Dangle: hey, bud.
Aw, for poop's sake.
Hey, Mike? Mike? Don't huff on the rag, Mike.
Don't huff the bag.
Travis: put the bag down.
Don't go huffing on a bag.
Hey, Mike.
Huh? Eyeballs.
Guess who called.
The whore? Well, let's not call her that, Mike.
I'll call her a whore! OK, she lives 50 yards away, Mike.
Travis: we're gonna need you to clean this up, Mike.
Dangle: we're gonna need you to clean up the boat for real.
Oh.
Can you-Do you guys mind getting me some kerosene? That's good.
When you get on that fuckin' "no buy kerosene" list Yep.
At the depot, oh.
Travis: how'd you get- Dangle: how the hell did you get on the "no buy" list? Travis: how do you think? Because you got a-You got a- I got a lot of enemies.
One of them is Derek at home depot.
Yeah.
Have you met him? Yep.
He's a big, fat bastard.
"Hey, Mike, what's going on?" "Shove it, Derek.
Shove it.
" He's also a decent guy trying to do his job and trying to Keep you from huffing your brain away.
Mike, can we go back to that conversation you were just Having with Derek? "Hey, big Mike, what's going on?" And you come back with "Hey, Derek, shove it.
" That's your bon mot that you bounce back at him.
And you wondered why You're on the "no buy kerosene" list? He-He ain't no big wheel down there.
I'm as- Well, he's the assistant manager.
Use your words.
Don't you huff.
Don't you huff it up.
You want to take-No, no, wait.
You got to take- Don't you huff.
Couldn't you ask me like a civil, like a man, like a man Who's captain of his boat? If you go to maritime law, if you go to maritime Law, pages- Are you playing maritime law now? Look, you don't need water.
Permission to come aboard, captain Mike.
Permission denied, so shove it.
Travis: uh.
So all of these evidence tapes-Tapes that we have made At crime scenes, et cetera- Are on VHS, and the station Has only got one VHS player that still works, and it's Getting harder and harder to find parts, so we're gonna Have to transfer these to DVD.
Wow.
Yeah, look at that.
November 1988.
Jesus Christ.
I was a rookie.
I like the TV from eighties.
Is really good.
Yeah.
Everybody had, like, a monkey and a talking car.
And, like, a small, little black boy they lived with.
Yeah, there ain't no cute little black boys on TV anymore.
Ain't that a shame? I know.
Why not? Jones: did you get to November 10 yet? Big Mike on TV: November 2, 1988.
We are investigating another homicide.
Yeah, back when big Mike was lieutenant.
Oh! Hello.
Stop looking at my booty.
All: ah! Terrible haircut.
Terrible.
I'm on TV.
Oooh.
Travis: look at that mustache.
Hey.
Yes, sir.
There's a human head in that bag.
Yes, lieutenant.
Somebody's brother in there.
Yes, lieutenant.
What an asshole [Indistinct.]
Oh! Oh, ho ho.
Get 'em.
Pow.
Look at how fresh.
He fresh.
Travis: there's nothing to be ashamed about.
You just used to wear eyeliner.
Hold on a minute.
What is this? Man on TV: what you got? You know what I think this is? By god, this is that methamphetamine they're Talking about.
Williams on TV: I heard about that stuff.
Jones on TV: yeah, me, too.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh.
Jones on TV: you, uh, you want me to take it to Evidence there? Come on, man.
Hey, hey, don't freak out, bud.
I'm just hanging out.
Like Gollum finding the ring.
Look at that, boy.
This is not entirely my fault.
OK.
Let me just kind of let you in on how, Kind of, the illusion process works.
There's an illusionist-That's me-And there's also An illusionist's assistant.
That's her.
Right.
And it's a-It's a binary process.
You know, we're both working in tandem to make this Illusion happen, and if the illusion's assistant doesn't Do her job exactly right, then accidents can happen.
Maybe-There may be some personal issues at home.
Maybe a drinking problem.
She's-She's foreign, and, you know- I'll tell you what.
Why don't we wrap this up down at the station, OK? Well, uh, um, that'll be interesting if you're taking Me to the station because I should let you know that The handcuffs have not been made that can contain The amazing Reynaldo! Alakazam! [Cough.]
Ha ha ha! These are exceptionally well made.
These are really just sturdy.
Let's go, man.
He did disappear.
He did it.
I heard it.
Oh, my god.
Jones: guys, we just-We just walked into the other room.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
That makes way more sense.
That makes more sense.
Uh, next time you choose to have sex with some weird, Old teacher, consensual or otherwise, I hope you Think twice.
All right, fine.
Yeah, she's going away for a while.
Huh.
Wow.
It happens, like, every couple of years.
Some weird white trash teacher-I don't get it.
Uh, so you're miss Hukert? Yeah.
Hi.
Hi.
Travis Junior.
How you doing? Uh, you're miss hukert? You are? Yeah, yeah.
I am.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Huh.
Uh, 15 years, technically.
Wh-Why do you say "technically"? Why do you say it like that? I got an old soul.
Wha-How-Can I ask-On average, Like, per week, what are we talking, like as far as Actual full-On- Doing it.
Uh, per week.
Let's see.
I'd say about 3 or 4 times a day, so- Holy you do the OK.
Um I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe this.
Mrs.
Hukert, you've been doing it with that kid? Billy? Really? Come on! Anything else we need to know about this boy? Um, other than just how sweet he is, I mean, he's- Has a huge cock.
Huge.
Like like 10, Probably a little bit more than that.
More than 12.
It's a-It's a- It's a good- It's probably about a good 13.
That makes more sense.
Huge cock.
Yeah, a huge cock makes more sense.
All right, look- Uh, Trudy? Thank you.
Take her away.
Trudy? Hmm? Oh, my god.
You sick, sick, sick boy! It was your idea.
Jumping- Holy god.
Ho! Ho! Wow! Listen, I know this is kind of weird, but do you mind if I- Oh, sure.
Go ahead.
It happens.
Oh.
Hello! Can you see me back here? I'm gonna send that to Dangle.
Williams: look at Dangle.
Who's the legs? Dangle on TV: oh, I love to see it come, And I love to see it go.
Oh, my goodness gracious me.
That's Wiegel? That's Trudy.
That's booty Wiegel.
No.
She looks like the "footloose" girl.
Mmm.
You smell like jean Nate after bath splash.
Oh, I didn't wash.
I didn't want to get the smell of you off me.
Dangle on TV: wow.
You could do "Playboy.
" Hi.
Oh, hey, wow.
My beautiful wife.
Travis: oh, that was when Dangle was married.
That was Debbie before she got gastric bypass surgery.
Did you get to November 10 yet? Not yet.
No, but look at this.
Oh, thin Debbie.
Travis: yeah.
She'd already lost about- She'd lost over 130 pounds at this point.
Ha ha ha! You really didn't know back then.
Really.
The way you ran from the car.
I had an inkling.
I had an inkling, but I didn't- I think we all did.
Remember my coast guard stuff? I had an inkling.
Was Trudy not retarded? You'll see when we get to November 10.
Guess who's washing herself these days.
All by yourself? My beautiful wife Deb.
We got rid of the handicapped chair.
And we got rid of the washing stick.
We bur-We had a ceremonial burial in the yard.
I'm able to get most of the areas, And what I can't get, Jim tells me later.
It's love.
It's true love.
Bblluh! Bluch.
She was a big, fat, disgusting, awful fucking walrus.
And a cunt.
I looked at that skirt the other day, And I was thinking, "oh, just a little bit closer.
I just got to keep the motto going.
Keep the motto going.
Nothing is gonna taste as good as being thin feels.
We're trying to eat less than animals in the zoo.
Wiegel: who are those people? Dangle: that's you.
Baby, that's you.
You're in the denim.
Dangle: I love her.
I would marry her all over again.
If I was forced to, I certainly would.
Dropped my [indistinct.]
Oh, she dropped All: oh! Wiegel: I still got it, huh, guys? I still got it.
Dangle: no, no.
No, you don't.
[Fart.]
All: oh! Oh, man.
Damn it.
My mouth was open.
OK, we got this god damn hippie.
He's been sitting up in this tree for months at a time.
I'm still up here! Yeah, we see you! You're still up there, huh? You said I wouldn't, but I'm still here! Oh, man.
Progress is coming.
They're plowing this whole thing over, and you are gonna be chopped- Never gonna happen! The Reno pine will never come down, you pig! This thing is gonna get chopped down and made into Hardwood floors! Curse you! Damn you! You can't fight progress, you dirty hippie! They were gonna build a whole bunch of condos and a little Shopping mall here.
When the recession hit, they cancelled that.
They pulled the plug on it.
They pulled the plug on it.
It's not gonna happen.
Here's the thing.
He doesn't know.
He doesn't have the Internet or nature's rocket to the sky He has no idea it's been cancelled.
He's a fascinating character.
He's a fixture now.
We don't have that many tourist attractions here.
We got the bowling hall of fame, and we got the hippie Who sits in the tree.
So we want to keep him up there as long as we Possibly can.
You god damn dirty hippie! When the bulldozers come, you'll be crying! Aah! Oh, you'll be crying, and you'll be dying.
I won't, I won't, I won't.
You'll be crying.
Parking, parking, parking.
Jamba juice, macaroni grill Chico's chico's- Stop it! Stop it! Oh, fine.
You win today.
Just shake your fist and let-Everybody look real mad.
Aah! Aah! God, I wish they'd put in a macaroni grill.
Wouldn't that be great? Oh.
Oh.
Do they sell only macaroni? Yup.
I've never even been to one.
That's exactly what it is, and they grill it.
We've been sent here to the library to block foul language And inappropriate images from the library computer Because apparently they've had some problems with guys, You know, rubbing one out.
Doing inappropriate things.
OK.
Uh, fuck fuck.
Blocked.
Uh, cunt cunt.
Oldie but goodie.
Blocked.
Titties.
Titties.
Blocked.
This is fun.
Balls.
Balls.
Blocked.
Blow jobs.
Blow jobs.
What about hand jobs? Uh Blocked.
Rim jobs.
Rim jobs.
Blocked.
Big, black dick titty fuck cunt ass dick Shh.
Balls sucking fuck [Wiegel whispering.]
sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
OK, Sunny Leone.
Block.
Eriko Sato.
Block.
Uh, Lena Li.
Block.
Jade Hsu.
Block.
Tiffany Thunder.
Tiffany Thunder.
Beyonce- Titties.
You can't block Beyonce from a library.
This is America.
This is America, and you're not gonna - You're not gonna Deny Americans their Beyonce.
Come on.
Freeze! Freeze! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Well, if it isn't the Reno sheriff's department.
Sparks sheriff's department, huh? Guess what.
You're not getting your prisoner back because he Crossed the county line.
He's in Reno.
That's right.
Fair enough.
Fair enough.
Where you going? I'm gonna shake your hand.
Fair is fair.
No, you don't.
Do not cross that line! I will draw my weapon.
Let's trade.
We'll take yours if you take ours.
No.
We want him.
We got him.
If it's my dick, you could take it up your ass.
What? I'll let you keep that one.
Home run.
Good job.
Thank you.
Tell you what.
Whichever sheriff's department has a bigger dick Wins, but you got to add them together, so it can't just Be just his.
It doesn't matter.
We could put his with two women, and we win.
Show them.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, right.
It's a myth.
Oh, no.
You will laugh.
It is ridiculous.
Hilarious.
Let's see it.
Hold on.
Let's see it.
Give me that.
Oh! [All shouting at once.]
Ha ha ha! Sheriff's department! Sheriff's department.
It's not your fault.
If I had a dick like yours, I would have been pulling it out, too.
Here you go.
Well, we're feeling pretty good about ourselves.
We've blocked about 15,000 pornographic words.
I don't think anyone's gonna be having Any 5-Finger parties anymore, although "5-Finger party.
" Ooh.
Blocked.
Wow.
You could fit all those fingers.
All those fingers in there.
That's it, right? That's amazing.
We did it.
Did we do it? I'm pretty proud of us.
Well done.
I'm exhausted.
I'm exhausted, too.
I need, like- I think if I see another penis today, I'm probably Gonna throw up.
I just want a nice long nap, and- Thank you guys so much for coming.
It's, like, every time I turn around, There's some pervert, Some guy sitting here jerking off.
I just- Terrible.
I can't understand who would do that In a public library.
It's disgusting.
It's sickening.
I'm gonna-I forgot I should check e-mail before- We've been sitting here for Check your e-Mail.
Totally-Totally forgot because I'm Protecting and serving, and I just forgot to check my E- Mail, and I need to do it.
Mm-Hmm.
Well, don't forget to protect Before you serve, and, missy, You should put on some underpants next time.
Dangle: I just flat-out forgot we had a chimp on the force.
Yeah.
That was a publicity stunt.
That's what it was.
It was publicity.
Wiegel: everybody was doing that in the eighties.
Jones: that chimp was an asshole.
Oh, this is November 10.
Dangle on TV: no, I'm serious.
You could do "Playboy" for real.
Jim, I've had it with the inappropriate Comments, for real.
Wow.
And I know it's a sock in your pants.
I could do "Playboy.
" Wiegel: Ray Ray, come on.
Let's go.
Big Mike on TV: Jim, come on.
Travis: oh, there's lieutenant Mike.
Yes.
Best lieutenant we ever had.
That's big Mike? Crackhead? I think he was on his way to being governor.
Big Mike on TV: OK.
All right, after Dangle, we're going in hot and hard, All right? You go ahead, Jim.
Go.
[Breaks glass.]
[Fires gun.]
On my count.
[All shouting.]
I don't know.
Is this on? Jones: what's that? I know what this is.
No, no, no.
Give me that.
No.
Give me that.
Give me that.
Give me that.
Oh, my god.
This is gonna be so great to see back.
I don't know.
I don't know if this is a super great idea To tape this, per se.
[All shouting.]
Give me the fucking remote.
I don't feel anything.
I don't feel anything.
I need to move something here.
Hang on.
Ooh.
Ooh.
No, that's my leg.
No, that's my thigh.
OK, can I lift this up? Yeah.
Is there a candle Or a flashlight or anything over there? No.
No.
Oh, my god.
How could you go down there after you described That smell? Oh, crap.
That's rewind.
All: aah! It looks like she's giving birth to it! Dangle: video cameras were new, and we were very excited About the technology.
You don't have to explain yourself to nobody.
Thank you.
All right, here it is.
[Gunfire.]
Big Mike on TV: all right, on me.
I love you, Brenda.
[Gunfire.]
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! [Gunfire.]
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Wow.
Never came to work again.
Never came to work again.
That was it.
Dangle on TV: what do you think, Jonesy? Not a bad look, huh? Kind of good.
Kind of good, in fact.
Wiegel: I don't remember this.
Where's Trudy? Oh, my god, no! Oh, god, no! Oh, my god, no! Williams on TV: is she dead? Come on! Get her out! Oh, god, no! No! No! God damn it! You live, woman.
God damn it.
You live, Trudy Wiegel! Oh.
OK.
Wait.
OK.
OK.
OK.
You're fine.
You're OK.
She's alive.
She's alive.
Mmm.
Is this a surprise party for me? Travis: she was dead for 14 minutes.
Oh, that'll kill a brain right there, yeah.
Shouldn't have revived her.
Travis: nope.
That's what the doctor said.
The doctor said should have let her go.
Travis: it's like if Marilyn Monroe had woken up from those Sleeping pills and become a dribbling, farting retard.
Wiegel: why are they showing this on TV right now? MTV networks Captioned by the national captioning institute - Www.
Ncicap.
Org- Peace, man.
Take it back.
Good luck to you.
Thank you.
Come here, buddy.
Come here.
I know you're having a rough time.
Thank you, buddy.
You're gonna make it.
You're gonna make it through this, OK? I got a little blood in my stool.
OK.
OK.
This ever happen- Did you ever have any? Happens all the time.
It's a very common thing that happens.
Don't worry about it.
Totally normal.
I wouldn't worry about it.
A little blood in the stool is lucky.
Oh.
Luck of the Irish.
Luck of the Irish.
Luck of the Irish.