Rick and Morty (2013) s06e07 Episode Script

1
Previously, on "Rick and Morty"
Jerry, I had sex with your wife.
- Ohhh!
- I did it! I fixed portal travel!
Jack the Ripper, at your service.
- Cool!
- This happened too?
- I'm pregnant.
- Honey, she's just like you!
- It's raining meatballs!
- Okay, something is
Jerry Smith died doing what he loved
- getting stung by bees.
- Off.
Off what? Have some respect.
It's Dad's funeral.
I'm gonna name you Jerry Jr.
Thanks for solving that murder, guys.
- Here's a skateboard.
- Aw, thanks, Tony Hawk!
- Morty, say you'll marry me!
- What?
- What?
- Just say yes!
- Yes?
- Okay
Rick, do you promise to
I do, and for our honeymoon
let's go to a sealed chamber
- lined with ionized deuterium!
- Why?
Because the charge acts
as a narrative decelerant.
Morty, none of this is real.
We're in a "previously on"
spiral. Clear your head.
- After all that's happened?!
- No.
I-I'm innocent!
I didn't release those bees!
I love Jerry!
- What'd I just say?
- When?
Okay, great execution.
[BURPS] Let's go back to the chamber.
Now repeat after me, Morty
"Next time on 'Rick and Morty.'"
Next time on "Rick and Morty"?
No. Previously, on "Rick and Morty"
Ignore it, Morty. "Next
time on 'Rick and Morty.'"
It counteracts his toxins.
Next time on "Rick and Morty."
- Whose toxins?
- PREVIOUS LEON: Hey, stop it!
Previous Leon! Grab him!
[GRUNTING]
Hold on tight, Morty! We got to
get through the opening titles!
MORTY: Opening titles of what?
- Whoa! We're in space!
- PREVIOUS LEON: Let go of me! Ow! Ow!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
MORTY: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
[GRUNTING]
What planet is this?
Cover your eyes on this part.
RICK: Oh, my God, it's a giant squirrel!
Why are we dressed
like old-timey people?
- What the hell's going on?
- No way!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
Why is my dad in a suit?
- RICK: Best episode!
- MORTY: Why am I butter?
Okay, we're almost through.
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
♪
Ow!
Ugh, and we're back!
Stop!
- What just happened?
- Let go of me!
Why was there music?
Because of this conceptual
little piece of shit!
- Grab his feet!
- If we have opening titles,
d-does that mean that we're a
Let your body purge the
meta-venom, Morty.
Don't succumb to his pointless
self-aware bullshit.
It's not pointless, it's cool!
- He's got a gun!
- Eat lead, pussy!
No, no, no!
Fuck!
Oh!
Son of a
- Did he use a portal?
- He wishes.
He wriggled back to the meta layer
through a hole in the fourth wall.
Put these on and help me find it.
-
- I-I don't like this, Rick.
Yeah, you shouldn't.
It's not a likable premise.
I mean it's funny when I do a
little nod to the viewers, but
- What viewers?!
- That's the right attitude, Morty.
A few carefree verbal
asides, always by me.
None of this season-three
"Moonlighting" shit.
- Okay, here it is.
- You're going to to patch it?
No, he subverted actual reality, Morty.
[BURPS] He needs to be
put down like a rabid dog.
♪
Ow! Fuck!
Oh, yeah, no, you don't wanna
wear those over here.
Maybe he went down that road?
No, no, no. If he took that,
he'd end up a hero.
Damn it, Rick. I don't like this.
I-Is this whole place just
A bunch of groan-inducing wordplay
for seven TV critics that
won't even enjoy it?
It's worse than you think, Morty.
We're basting in meta
radiation right now.
Our credibility is being
permanently eroded.
Every second we spend here
is the equivalent to 10
"Space Jam" cameos.
You should have thought
of that previously!
Get him!
♪
Ow! Ow!
Oh, no! Bless me, Heavenly
Father, for you will save me.
Now I feel bad. Let's
just get out of here.
Because he prays?
You know Hitler was Catholic, right?
I'm here, Leon.
- Uhh
- Okay.
He apparently prays very well.
Time for you two to meet the Lord.
That's okay, we're good.
Treat it like a bear attack.
Just walk backwards and
make yourself look big.
I love a good refusal of the call.
Hello, Rick.
Hello Amish Juggler?
His name is Story Lord.
Story Lord?
Listen, trust me, take Amish Juggler.
- You can have it.
- Story Lord.
Rick, h-he's the villain from
that toy train I bought you.
Very good, Morty.
The fictional versions of you
trapped me in a Bible show for children,
but I used make-believe Christ
to transcend fiction
and enter meta-reality.
Now I'm the one doing the trapping.
Leon was the bait.
- Bait?!
- Jesus?
Aaah!
Aah!
Don't ever! Dumb mother!
[GRUNTING]
You're using Jesus to beat us up?
- Have you seen "South Park"?
- Good call-out, Morty.
That's the kind of meta I like,
the kind that keeps us
creatively accountable.
Oh, God. Not the Bane. Not the Bane!
He Baned me, Morty. Oh, Jesus Baned me.
Y-You can't beat me up. I-I'm I'm
I'm technically a Christian child!
And I'm your worst nightmare.
I'm the Jesus from every Jesus joke.
- The one without a God.
- Morty! Take this and get out!
Thank you.
Looks like Story Lord's
story is about to become
based on real events.
What do you want with that?
I want what any character wants.
Motivation!
- What? [BURPS] That's dumb.
- So lazy!
Forward your notes to my ass!
Wait, what? He just left.
Kind of makes you want to
be our unlikely ally, huh?
Oh, I guess not.
- [SQUELCHES]
- [GROANS]
Previously, on Jesus Christ
- Hey, I'm Jesus.
- I'm Mary.
- That's my mom's name!
- Stop. [LAUGHS]
- Dude, she's a hooker.
- She's a better disciple than you!
Ow! Aw! Owww!
[GASPS] Oh, no.
I can't die.
[FRENCH ACCENT] I 'ave
a proposition for you.
I work alone.
If I suck-a your blood,
I'll be invincible! I think!
- You'll never know.
- Aah!
Billionaire immortal
entrepreneur Jesus Christ
has placed all his money
into what he's calling a
"second chance at love."
- Hang on, Mary!
- The data!
So beautiful!
Make me normal, witch.
Take it all!
Eat your pudding, Mr. Christ.
- What are you smiling at?
- [CHUCKLES]
Your name.
[MONITOR BEEPING]
What's happening, Rick?
Leon's venom makes you think more
and more of your life is behind you
as he feeds on your released potential.
Leon, y-you saved our lives!
- Oh, not yet, he hasn't.
- Jeez, Rick!
- So mean!
- He's meta, Morty.
His life doesn't matter.
Yours does. That's why
we need to get back.
-
- Well, this doesn't feel like a citadel.
Uh, maybe it's cooler on the inside.
[GASPS] This isn't what it looks like.
This is a very special diet
for successful writers.
Why do you look like my character?
I am your character!
And you are going to improve me.
But you're Story Lord. You're great.
Great isn't good enough!
I've killed Rick and made myself real!
I'm better than some shitty toy train.
Is this your office or your apartment?
Why does it smell like you sleep here?
You're my creator. Why are you pathetic?
- Because you failed!
- And whose fault is that?
What the hell happened?
You want to know what
happened? Like, specifically?
Well, the Ricks wanted to do a
"Canterbury Tales"-type thing,
but none of them have actually
read fucking "Canterbury Tales."
So then they told me to make
it like the poker-game episode
of the Batman cartoon
where the bad guys tell
stories about Batman.
Then they kept telling me
it "needed something."
Yeah, no shit, it needed something!
It needed to never be pitched!
I did my job!
Goomby, the Ice Queen,
the Tickets Please guy.
They just bailed on it!
The website didn't even fucking work!
And it was a shitty URL to begin with,
"Story-dash-train"? Who uses a dash?
They set me up to fail. They fucked me!
They fucked me and you're lucky
I haven't blown my brains out!
Right. Just give me a
motivation, you hacky fart.
Okay, here's your motivation.
You're looking for motivation.
You want all the motivation.
- That's lazy.
- It got you this far.
Must be nice, by the way.
Wish I could afford to dress
like a bisexual acting coach
from the '70s.
My motivation is motivation.
Okay. Bye.
Oh, no, my bitter friend.
You're coming with me.
Yo! If you don't see me coming,
it's a bad fortress!
[GATE OPENS]
- Where are we?
- Headquarters of the Self-Referential Six.
They're meta nerds that found
out they could be less bearable
- as a team.
- They can help us?
No, but there's a prisoner
here that can. Shh.
- Don't tell them that.
- Rick Sanchez.
I've been waiting for
this moment for years.
Oh, good. Morty, this is Miss Lead.
I should kill you where you stand.
I brought you Previous Leon.
You'll want to lock him up
in your detention center.
It's a trick! He wants your prisoner!
- You dick.
- Liar!
Talk about a mislead.
- Anti-meta field.
- Fancy device.
I think I can recall
the time you built it.
Don't try it, Flash Back!
You know, I-I'm excited
about the upcoming election.
This forcefield will be
impenetrable by meta-energy.
It runs on hydrogen isotopes.
Hmmm.
It runs on hydrogen isotopes.
A few barrels of petroleum
should dampen it.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Run, Morty!
Were those not there before?
Guess there's been a
Connie TinuityError.
- These people are the worst!
- I told you! Way overpowered!
[ALARM BLARING]
- Look out, Rick!
- Forget him. He's a nameless guard.
That's Protago Nick.
His beam has the power to make
any character the protagonist.
D-Duck!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
Gah! What are you doing, Marvin?!
Not dying, that's what I'm doing.
Oh, what's going on? What happened?
I did it again, Katie.
I ran out on another job.
Well, if you didn't do that,
you wouldn't be my man.
♪
♪
I was almost tempted to just let it go.
- That's how much I hate it here.
- Smash cut!
Remember me, Rick?
- Who's this guy, now?
- I am Mr. Twist.
The fifth member of the
Self-Referential Six.
- Who's the sixth?
- That's the twist, Morty. It's you.
- What?
- Ignore him, Morty.
The twist is there's no sixth member
- and he tells that to everybody.
- In any case, you're ours now.
You can't free yourself without a twist,
- and I control them.
- You don't control every twist, Mr. Twist.
- I've got a twist for you.
- Impossible! What is it?
- Aah!
- Aha!
Nice try! Like I didn't see that coming.
Fuck me.
- Great work, Morty!
- I'm adapting!
Here's our ticket out of here.
They got him in a cell
made out of sports
because it's the opposite of story.
Do I want to ask who he is?
His name is Brett Caan.
He has the power to make things
always have been other things.
I think that's called retconning.
B-But his name's Brett Caan?
I mean, Rhett's a name too.
His name could be Rhett Caan.
It is. And always has been now.
- Whoa.
- Careful, Morty.
Stay clear of his retcon range.
Until he agrees to help us.
Rick, you've always trusted me.
Nice try. Here's how it's gonna work.
You're gonna make it so Morty
and I never came here.
Once that's always been the case,
- I'll free you remotely with this.
- What is my purpose?
To wait until I tell you
to pull that lever.
You are fucking kidding me.
If you don't free me right now, Rick,
I can make very, very bad things
always have been the case for you.
Is that a threat, you fuck?
- Y-Y-You can rot in there.
- Rick.
You know what, Rhett?
Forget what I said.
We've always been friends.
Good one.
Whoa, easy, Rhett.
Don't forget that coffee mug I gave you.
You always were able to
be killed with coffee.
Aaah!
New plan. Run. Again.
The twist being
You were born without bones.
See ya never!
[LAUGHS]
There's never been anything
outside this fortress.
God damn it!
And this fortress has
always been an orange!
Pluh! Great plan, Rick!
Yeah, I'm not pushing
back on that, Morty,
I have royally fucked us.
Ugh! It hurts.
We've been past the
fourth wall too long.
- We won't be real much longer.
- You killed us, Rick.
You just had to hate meta
storytelling. [GROANS]
In my defense, Morty,
I think you can agree my
hate was justified. Ohh!
Least earned death ever
♪
Death is a threshold.
♪
Ugh! What What happened?
You atoned.
Who Who are you?
I'm Joseph Campbell. Soup?
I almost considered not making it
because my name is Campbell,
but then I thought, stay
in the moment, Joe.
- Follow your bliss.
- How are you here?
R-Rhett Caan said there was nothing.
Some things never change
about mythology.
There's always an old man with soup.
Name one story that doesn't have one.
- Uh, Jack and the Beanstalk.
- "Basketball Diaries."
- Every "Matrix."
- Every movie ever.
All right, I don't have to
defend myself to you people.
Where's my soup?
- [COUGHS]
- RICK: Previous Fuckin' Leon.
Why is that prick here?
No more a prick than you, friend.
Meta characters erode reality.
But all characters are meta, Rick.
All of us are nourished
and consumed by chaos,
like newborns at the
breast of a meth addict
- in a lifeboat filled with forks.
- I know what you have to do, Rick.
Scrub Campbell's browser history?
Just trust Previous Leon.
Could you previously us a way home?
Uh, well, I'll sure enjoy trying.
Yeah, I bet you would.
Rick can't change, Morty.
Change is what you might
call his Kryptonite.
Except instead of being super,
he's, you know, kind of a pussy.
Let's do it.
Previously, on Rick
- [SQUELCHING]
- MORTY: Get him off! Get him off!
- [CERAMIC BREAKS]
- Oh, boy.
- He almost killed you!
- Okay, well, I feel bad,
I kind of pressured
you into trying that.
- You called me a pussy.
- I said I feel bad!
This is a map to a region
rich in narrative ore.
I wish you the best of luck.
Faster, Morty! I'd help,
but I can't blister my inventing hands.
- How long will it take?
- Years.
You can live in my wood shed.
- Just don't open the door after dark.
- Why not?
Get out here, you Communist Jews!
- Dude. Maybe I'm not an alcoholic.
- I know, right?
You fucking "Back to
the Future" rip-offs!
- It's ready.
- Rick, I should stay.
- Why?
- I'm pregnant.
- What are you doing?
- It wasn't him, Rick!
- Then who?!
- Me! I never left.
But you had to think all this
happened to make that.
And I can get this through the titles?
If you hang on tight.
What about my beard and unborn child?
Let them go.
- Thank you, Leon.
- When you get home, Rick,
do some classic adventures.
- Like season one
- I'm so sick of that fucking note.
What the fuck does it even mean?
Ohh!
Now, one last time.
- What's my motivation?
- Motivation.
This machine will siphon it
from everyone in the universe.
Perfect. Greenlit. Launch it.
[GRUNTING]
Oh, I think it's working!
Yes, I can feel it!
Something I did is actually
affecting someone!
♪
I don't want to work anymore.
I do, but only as an excuse
to not practice guitar.
♪
Why don't we just write any
number down on the score sheet?
Oh, why even do that?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
♪
-
- Wait, you have to register?
Yes! I can feel it! I'm so motivated!
I want a lot!
[PORTAL OPENS]
- Story time's over.
- Ha! Hardly your decision.
Did you seriously double down on
motivation as your motivation?
- It's a good idea!
- There's no such thing!
There's joyful and there's joyless,
and we've had our fill of one.
Morty, make that sweaty
writer stop working
while I kill off his character.
I have never been more
driven to destroy someone.
Yeah, well, I'm driven to
lower my blood sugar,
but guess who's getting tacos
after he kicks your ass?
So you're jacked. Who cares?
- [CHUCKLES] Cum gutters.
- I don't like that phrase.
I don't take notes.
[BOTH ROARING]
You can't beat me, Rick.
I have one million
times your motivation!
So do those guys with the
cellphone kiosks at the mall.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
♪
♪
♪
[SQUEAKING]
The hair is wrong.
Like you'd be picky about licensing.
Actually, I would.
I happen to believe that
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS, LAUGHS]
- You can do that?
- You got to want it.
Come on, just stop.
I-I don't want to fight you.
Kid, I'm a writer that wrote
something successful.
So if you want me to give it up,
you're gonna need a black belt
- or a big pair of tits.
- Yeah, well, I don't have those.
CAMPBELL: In the mythical
sense, I have both.
Joseph Campbell?
Yeah, nice try. He died in the '80s.
Only you can see and hear me, Morty.
- Just repeat what I tell you.
- Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Sir, you're only proud of
your creation's success
because you want to be creative,
but creation doesn't happen
through gimmicks,
technology, and distribution.
It doesn't even happen through work.
Creativity is frankly adjacent
to mental illness
and overlaps with it substantially.
A lot of talented people kill themselves
and all of them are miserable.
The real gift is to be ungifted,
and from what I saw in your
Green Arrow spec script,
that's the gift you were given.
You couldn't have seen that.
I'm Joseph Campbell. I saw it.
- The villain was a placeholder.
- I said I saw it, Jan.
I didn't say I could get past page five.
Y-Your villains aren't the problem.
The problem is, when you write,
you're a villain.
If you want to be a hero, just stop.
[SNIFFLES, SOBS]
You know what? Maybe I will register.
Say it! Tell me I'm the new Mr. Nimbus!
Oh, looks like your
writer took a hiatus.
Oh, fuck.
You're less motivated to fight now,
so this is literally punching down,
but you've got it coming.
[GROANING]
Please, let me live.
I promise to be cooler.
I'll be less inside baseball.
Maybe I change my name? Ow!
You failed me.
No, I failed you.
[COUGHS]
All good things must come to an end.
All bad things too, though,
so don't flatter yourself.
Jan, Joseph Campbell says you have
to be the one to put him down.
Wait, wait, wait, Joseph
Campbell also says
you have to use this brand-new
limited edition Rick plush,
available only on rick-plush.biz.
- Supplies are limited. Act now.
- He did?
[SQUEAKING, MUFFLED GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
Shhh.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
Jesus, that's the last time
I buy a toy from a Rick.
Ooh, the plushies are
obviously well made.
Thanks for getting us back alive, Rick.
Well, I am a master
of both worlds, Morty.
Joseph Campbell told me to stop writing.
Because it should be effortless.
And when it happens organically,
that's when it's meant to be.
You know, like, um, like me.
I'm a writer, here's a pencil.
Writers use pencils.
Okay, so, like, what if,
like, a pencil used me?
Like, um okay! Yeah!
Okay, so it's like a magic pencil
that writes the writer's life
holy shit, it's a movie about a writer!
I am back!
♪
♪
♪
♪
Yeah, I'm Tag-Man!
I-I-I-I live in the tag!
I-I-I am the tag! I'm Tag-Man!
Tag Tag of the episode man!
"Did you get any of that?"
When the yeah,
when an episode's over,
look out, because, yaaaah,
here comes Tag-Man!
And I'm I'm crazy! Tag-Man! Yeah!
I'm I'mma tag your ass!
Tag that ass. Tag-Ass-Man!
I'm an Ass-Man now!
I'm a I'm a Tag-Man!
Here's what you get. Here's your tag!
Yeah, you want some more?
You want you want some more
tag, you sick piece of shit?!
I'm because I'm Tag-Man!
I miss my wife.
Too bad. This is it!
Tag-Man, yeah!
[INDISTINCT TALKING]
Did you get any of that?