The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s06e07 Episode Script
Like a Fox
1 [CAT PURRS, MEOWS.]
[FAST, LIVELY FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[GIGGLES.]
- [PUSS YOWLING.]
- El Gato! [YOWLS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
The Ruby of Braga.
[BLOWING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Now, if you don't mind, I'll be taking you to the King of Turvistan and saving his land from poverty.
- [RUMBLING.]
- Hmm? Hmm? I thought that seemed too easy.
[RUMBLING.]
[ARROWS WHIZZING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[THIEF.]
He's got the ruby! Indeed, I do.
Hope you chaps don't mind.
Get him! It's time to get foxy.
Ha! [ALL GRUNTING.]
- Oh! - Ha-ha! Ahh! Ow, ow, ow, oh, ah! [SLO-MO GRUNTING.]
[ALL GROANING.]
This has been another Guy Fox adventure.
[LAUGHS.]
[GRUNTING.]
Ah! [GUY FOX AND DULCINEA.]
And so, I returned to Turvistan "And there was much rejoicing.
" [SIGHS HAPPILY.]
[ALL.]
Yay! This Guy guy's the best! [KID PICKLES.]
So debonair! And so handsome.
Dulcinea, you compiled some of my many adventures into a book? You should not have.
She didn't.
The book's not about you.
Who but me could it be about? Guy Fox, of course.
Guy what? Guy Fox.
The famous author of the Crazy Like a Fox series.
They're memoirs of his adventures as a globe-hopping treasure hunter.
They're only the most popular nonfiction books of all time.
None of what you're saying sounds true.
Guy just released the latest book.
He's stopping in San Lorenzo on his book tour! That fox is coming here? Ay, papi! [GIGGLES.]
Back off! He's mine! Huh? [CHUCKLES.]
I've always imagined what it would be like if I were Guy's sidekick.
Together we'd race around the globe, searching for ancient artifacts and buried treasure.
Oh, he's just the best! Really? Him? [GASPS.]
Seeing him in person will be the highlight of my life! [GIGGLING GIRLISHLY.]
[PAJUNA.]
Puss, are you all right? You've barely touched your leche.
I feel as though I have a large hairball stuck in my chest area.
I know it may not be readily apparent, but I, Puss in Boots, have [ALL.]
A crush on Dulcinea.
What? How did you all know that? It's obvious to literally everyone.
[GROANS.]
I have never made the transition from cat friends to cat couple before.
Most of my relationships did not end well.
[YOWLING.]
But Dulcinea she is different.
Smart, sassy, beautiful.
And I do not want to blow it, especially with that deplorable Guy Fox coming to town, with his dashing adventures and his weird book words.
Ha! Sounds like you got bitten by the jealousy bug.
Jealousy is a major turnoff.
It shows that you're weak.
That you lack confidence.
- That you're threatened by competition! - Totally insecure! Pathetic.
Then hear me now! I, Puss in Boots, will be the least jealous cat anywhere in the world.
[SLURPS AND GRUNTS.]
This I swear! [GRUNTS.]
Dulcinea! Hi.
Hello.
Uh, what are you reading there? Hmm? Oh! Sorry, Puss.
[PUSS SHUDDERS.]
You do not actually like these books, do you? Uh-huh.
I want to memorize every word before Guy Fox gets here.
What? That is absurd.
How could you possibly admire that - Jealousy shows that you're weak.
- Don't be jealous.
Jealousy is a major turnoff.
Whoa.
That is, uh, creepy.
I mean, wow! What a book! - [BOOK THUDS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Could I talk to you for a moment? Sure.
What is it? Dulcinea, there is something that I must tell you.
Something that I have been meaning to tell you for some time.
Yes? I [SIGHS.]
Have feelings for - [RUMBLING.]
- [GRUNTING.]
[DULCINEA SHRIEKS.]
- [MAN GRUNTING.]
- Earthquake! Everyone freak out! [TOWNSPEOPLE SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Whoa! [GRUNTING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[GULPS.]
I guess that's over.
[CHOMPING.]
- Uh - [BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY.]
Uh Um, so you were saying something? Before the horrifying natural disaster? Huh? Oh! Oh! Uh, yes.
I was, uh I was saying, uh [GULPS.]
Dulcinea, I [GUY FOX.]
I have arrived! [LAUGHING.]
[TRIUMPHANT FANFARE.]
Guy Fox! [SCREAMS.]
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Guy Fox.
[GUY FOX.]
"I stormed bravely into the Lair of Achilles.
" Out leapt the massive three-headed dog.
" [FEROCIOUS GROWLING.]
Was I afraid? [WHIMPERING.]
Yes! No! If this dog thought he could defeat me, he was barking up the wrong tree.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
What a load of drivel.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Yay! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [THIEF.]
Guy Fox! - [ALL GASPING.]
We have a beef to settle with you.
Not to worry, everyone.
Old Guy has a plan to outfox these villains.
Thieves, attack! [ALL GROWLING.]
Halt, vile cur.
May I have this dance? Uh, okay.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[GROANING.]
I guess the fox-trot wasn't his specialty.
[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER.]
[PUSS GROANS.]
[THIEF SHOUTS.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Ah! [ALL GASPING AND SQUEALING.]
[EVIL LAUGHTER.]
Guy, catch! [GRUNTS.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
Thank you very much.
En garde! Ha! [ALL GRUNTING.]
[GROANING.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
[BOTH GROANING AND WHIMPERING.]
Take that.
Now, begone with you.
[THIEVES GROANING AND SOBBING.]
This is the last you'll see of us.
We are emphatically defeated by your expert hand! - [GRUNTS.]
- Oh, he is so handsome and deadly.
[BOTH SOBBING.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Hooray! Did something about that fight seem fishy to you? I think the word you're looking for is "foxy.
" Excuse me, miss, but who in the world might you be? [GIGGLES.]
Dulcinea.
Care to show a guy around town? Specifically this guy.
Guy Fox.
Hi.
How are you? Oh, me? Okay.
[GIGGLES.]
[GROWLING.]
Who does this Guy guy think he is, anyway? With the wordplay and the sword fighting and the googly eyes for Dulcinea? Somebody sounds jealous.
Absolutely not.
Envious and possessive, perhaps, but You do know that's what jealous means, right? - [DOOR OPENS.]
- Huh? Wonderful news, everyone.
I've asked Dulcinea to join me on my next adventure, and she said yes.
[DULCINEA GIGGLES.]
[PUSS INHALES SHAKILY AND SIGHS.]
Hmm.
Did not see that coming.
Dulcinea, what is this about leaving? To travel the world on adventures? With this handsome slice of stud pound cake? Everyone, calm down.
Guy just asked me to join him on his next exciting expedition, but I didn't say yes exactly.
- [GIGGLES.]
- [PUSS SIGHS.]
Thank you, Felina.
Yet! But she will.
After all, who could pass up a once-in-a-lifetime adventure with yours truly? [LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Lots of people! Um, like my friend, uh, Kevin, and my other friend, Kevin.
Many people named Kevin.
It really is an incredible offer, but I can't just leave.
San Lorenzo is my home.
[PAJUNA SCOFFS.]
Dulcinea, you got a chance to see the world.
- You should take it.
- [COUGHS.]
Traitor! Live your life now, because before you know it, you'll be middle aged and living in a shoe with no prospects for marriage and many small mouths to feed.
[SOBBING.]
I leave tomorrow, Dulcinea.
Hopefully with you by my side.
Think about it, kiddo.
Think about it! - Puss? - Huh? Are you all right? Yes.
Of course.
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY.]
I am better than all right.
I am all great.
So what do you think? Should I go with Guy? I mean, everyone I care about is here.
Yes, well, being the very not jealous hero that I am, I say, you should go.
Only a jealous fool, which I am not, would insist that you pass up such a neat adventure with that fox thing.
Oh.
I guess I just thought you, of all cats, would want me to stay.
Nope.
[LAUGHS EXAGGERATEDLY.]
Okay, then.
I guess - I'll go.
- Good.
- Great.
- I'm so happy for you.
Yep.
See ya around.
Okeydokey.
[WHIMPERS.]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Guy? Let's go have an adventure.
Excellent! But, uh, what about your town? Your friends? I guess we weren't as close as I thought.
[GUY FOX.]
Wonderful! Just wonderful! [SIGHS.]
- Penny for your thoughts? - [PUSS SHRIEKS, GRUNTS.]
Oh, you.
I came out to the desert to be alone.
Yeah, what he said! Do you mind? You are getting in the way of my audible sighing.
[DRAMATIC SIGH.]
Don't mind at all.
This guy loves being alone.
Ooh! Ooh! Me too! Me too! [SIGHS.]
I'm always alone on the road.
A bit of a nomad, if you will.
But I forgot how nice it is to be part of a community sometimes, you know? Like the whole Dulcinea surprise farewell party.
It's pretty hard to throw a surprise party for yourself.
[LAUGHING.]
Not that I've tried or anything.
[PUSS.]
Well, Dulcinea is a very special cat lady.
She deserves a lifetime of surprise parties.
Yeah, she's terrific.
[CHUCKLES.]
She is better than terrific.
Dulcinea is the kindest, smartest, toughest, sweetest, loveliest cat I have ever met.
She is brave, and she is good.
And she deserves every happiness.
Even if her happiness means I lose her forever.
Wow.
Great speech.
Heartfelt but not cheesy, impassioned but not over-the-top.
Very impressive.
It comes from the hairball in my heart.
I can see that you're in pain.
Yes.
My heart is No, because your tail is on fire.
[PUSS SHRIEKING.]
[GRUNTING.]
If you will both excuse me, I need some alone time.
Alone! [GUY FOX.]
"Hairball of my heart.
" Brilliant.
[TOBY BELCHES.]
That was a hairball of my stomach! [MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
- [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- [GASPS.]
[CROWD.]
Surprise! [GASPS.]
A surprise going-away party that I could see you setting up for in plain sight all day yesterday? Aw! Ooh! Mm.
Citizens of San Lorenzo, it has been an honor to get to know you.
I can truly say that you are all my new best friends.
Ha-ha! [CROWD.]
Aww! I love you, Guy Fox.
Thank you for entrusting me with your beloved Dulcinea.
She is a special cat lady, and she deserves a lifetime of surprise parties.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Hey, that sounds familiar.
I would love to read you all an excerpt from my new book, featuring a certain someone.
Uh, let's see.
[MUTTERING.]
Ah! "It was there that I met Dulcinea.
" I threw her a look, she threw me my sword.
At once, I knew her to be the kindest, smartest, toughest, sweetest, loveliest person I had ever met.
She was brave, and she was good, and she deserved every happiness.
"I thought Dulcinea might just be the hairball of my heart.
" - [GASPS.]
Oh - [APPLAUSE.]
That's exactly what Puss said about Dulcinea.
[GASPS.]
Guy Fox is a word thief.
I have to tell Puss.
Oh [GIGGLES.]
That was very sweet and a little gross.
The hairball stuff, I mean.
And I just wanted to say that even though I'm going away Right.
Now, what do you say we get this show on the road? Those adventures won't have themselves.
[GUY FOX WHISTLES.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [HORSE WHINNIES.]
[LAUGHING.]
Dulcinea? [TENSE MUSIC.]
[MUSIC SWELLS.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
- Huh? - [ALL GASP.]
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
I'm not going with you.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Uh, you're kidding? I've dreamed about going on adventures with you since forever, but my life here is already a pretty big adventure.
Seriously, we almost die, like, every day.
It's crazy.
Dulcinea, are you mad? Go with the foxy man.
- Yeah, listen to the round woman.
- [SCOFFS.]
I've made up my mind.
[GRUNTS.]
Don't you know who I am? I'm Guy Fox.
The Guy Fox.
[PAJUNA.]
Hey! Back it up, laddie! Yeah, you wouldn't want to upset the round woman.
You wouldn't know a good thing if it rode into your town and offered you the adventure of a lifetime.
[THIEF.]
Hey! Uh-oh.
Guy Fox! Where is our money? You already fought him, remember? Yeah, yeah.
He hired us to show up and pretend to let him beat us.
- [ALL GASP.]
- [GASPS.]
[THIEF.]
But he never paid up.
So we're here to collect, one way or another.
This is what happens when you make bad business deals.
I refuse to pay you a dime.
So there.
Ha-ha! - [YELPS.]
- [DULCINEA.]
Uh, Guy? I know the dramatic suspense works in your books, but in real life, it's a little nerve-racking.
Could you, you know, do something? I could do something, yes.
I could.
Absolutely.
Definitely.
Do something.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
But I won't.
[ALL GASP.]
- What? - That's right! Because I was disappointed in the quality of your service.
Hmph.
[GASPS.]
Our thieving is top-notch.
You take that back.
Whoa! [GRUNTS.]
So I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you.
Remember all the stuff in my books? Yeah? Uh It's all made up.
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- What? But what about all your fancy fighting moves? - Drama camp.
- [GROWLS.]
But my books aren't entirely made up.
Like, all the parts where I go to the bathroom, totally true.
Uh, could we wrap this up? I have a lot of debts to collect today.
Okay.
How about you just pay the nice men what you owe them, then? Ooh, yeah, that's not going to work either.
I'm pretty much broke.
What? Thieves, attack! [ALL CLAMORING.]
[GRUNTS.]
How can you be broke? - Your books are all best sellers! - I'm terrible with money.
That's why I needed you with me.
Publisher said I could sell more if I had a female sidekick.
That's why you insisted I come with you? You just thought I'd be a good sales tool? Absolutely.
I'm so glad you understand.
[GROWLS.]
- Ahh! - Whoa there, lassie.
He's not worth it.
[THIEF.]
Okay, look, we have decided that it is fine if you have no monies.
Really? We'll just take what you owe us from San Lorenzo, with interest! [HAWK SCREECHES.]
Are you happy, Felina? I have nothing left in this life! Nothing, except these boots, my good looks, my razor-sharp intellect, a roof over my head, food to eat! [TOBY.]
Puss! Puss! [PANTING.]
Guy Fox did something terrible.
He stole all the nice words you said about Dulcinea last night and put 'em in his new book! [GASPS.]
Intellectual property theft! - The most violent of all crimes! - [GASPS.]
But, Toby, it is too late.
If I appear jealous to Dulcinea, I will lose her forever.
Aren't you losing her anyway? Because she's leaving San Lorenzo? - Yes, but Señora Zapata said - Look.
Sometimes Señora Zapata says we're having gruel, but I know my tummy would rather have candy, so I sneak into the kitchen and eat a bag of sugar.
Yes, your eating habits are rather unhealthy.
We agree on this.
No, my point is, when in doubt, always listen to your tummy heart.
It'll never steer you wrong.
- [STOMACH GROWLS.]
- [GROANS.]
Except when it tells you to eat a bag of sugar.
Toby, that was surprisingly insightful.
My tummy heart tells me that I cannot lose Dulcinea to that smarmy word thief! [GROANING.]
Sugar [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
- [GASPS.]
- [SHOUTS.]
[STRAINING.]
[MAN SHOUTING.]
[ALL GRUNT.]
[PANTING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[THIEVES GROWLING.]
[PUSS.]
Dulcinea! Catch! [GRUNTS.]
Puss! [ALL.]
Huh? [GRUNTS.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
- [RUMBLING.]
- [BOTH SHOUTING.]
Earthquake! [GRUNTS.]
Is it me, or are these getting worse? [ALL WHIMPERING.]
[RUMBLING QUIETS.]
[BOTH SHOUTING.]
[THIEVES CRYING AND SHOUTING.]
[TOWNSPEOPLE CHEERING.]
[GUY FOX LAUGHING.]
Tell her what you did! All right.
[GASPS.]
I tricked a lonely widow into leaving me all of her money.
[SOBS AND SNIFFLES.]
What? No I meant the stuff you said in your book about Dulcinea.
Oh.
Right.
Yes, I didn't write that.
- Puss did.
- Oh, really? But I thought you wanted me to leave with Guy.
I did not want to seem jealous.
But the truth is, Dulcinea, I never wanted you to go.
Neither did I.
You know, this would be the perfect romantic conclusion to my next book.
Only with me instead of Puss.
[WOMEN GROWLING.]
Why are you still here? [WHISTLES AND CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Goodbye, adoring fans! [STRAINING AND GRUNTING.]
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY AND GRUNTS.]
- Be sure to buy my next book! - [WHINNYING.]
Because I really need your money! [LAUGHING.]
Ugh.
Never meet your heroes.
I have met mine, and she is the best.
I am talking about you.
Was that clear? - That you are my hero and - Puss.
Just stop talking.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS.]
[FAST, LIVELY FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[FAST, LIVELY FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[GIGGLES.]
- [PUSS YOWLING.]
- El Gato! [YOWLS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
The Ruby of Braga.
[BLOWING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Now, if you don't mind, I'll be taking you to the King of Turvistan and saving his land from poverty.
- [RUMBLING.]
- Hmm? Hmm? I thought that seemed too easy.
[RUMBLING.]
[ARROWS WHIZZING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[THIEF.]
He's got the ruby! Indeed, I do.
Hope you chaps don't mind.
Get him! It's time to get foxy.
Ha! [ALL GRUNTING.]
- Oh! - Ha-ha! Ahh! Ow, ow, ow, oh, ah! [SLO-MO GRUNTING.]
[ALL GROANING.]
This has been another Guy Fox adventure.
[LAUGHS.]
[GRUNTING.]
Ah! [GUY FOX AND DULCINEA.]
And so, I returned to Turvistan "And there was much rejoicing.
" [SIGHS HAPPILY.]
[ALL.]
Yay! This Guy guy's the best! [KID PICKLES.]
So debonair! And so handsome.
Dulcinea, you compiled some of my many adventures into a book? You should not have.
She didn't.
The book's not about you.
Who but me could it be about? Guy Fox, of course.
Guy what? Guy Fox.
The famous author of the Crazy Like a Fox series.
They're memoirs of his adventures as a globe-hopping treasure hunter.
They're only the most popular nonfiction books of all time.
None of what you're saying sounds true.
Guy just released the latest book.
He's stopping in San Lorenzo on his book tour! That fox is coming here? Ay, papi! [GIGGLES.]
Back off! He's mine! Huh? [CHUCKLES.]
I've always imagined what it would be like if I were Guy's sidekick.
Together we'd race around the globe, searching for ancient artifacts and buried treasure.
Oh, he's just the best! Really? Him? [GASPS.]
Seeing him in person will be the highlight of my life! [GIGGLING GIRLISHLY.]
[PAJUNA.]
Puss, are you all right? You've barely touched your leche.
I feel as though I have a large hairball stuck in my chest area.
I know it may not be readily apparent, but I, Puss in Boots, have [ALL.]
A crush on Dulcinea.
What? How did you all know that? It's obvious to literally everyone.
[GROANS.]
I have never made the transition from cat friends to cat couple before.
Most of my relationships did not end well.
[YOWLING.]
But Dulcinea she is different.
Smart, sassy, beautiful.
And I do not want to blow it, especially with that deplorable Guy Fox coming to town, with his dashing adventures and his weird book words.
Ha! Sounds like you got bitten by the jealousy bug.
Jealousy is a major turnoff.
It shows that you're weak.
That you lack confidence.
- That you're threatened by competition! - Totally insecure! Pathetic.
Then hear me now! I, Puss in Boots, will be the least jealous cat anywhere in the world.
[SLURPS AND GRUNTS.]
This I swear! [GRUNTS.]
Dulcinea! Hi.
Hello.
Uh, what are you reading there? Hmm? Oh! Sorry, Puss.
[PUSS SHUDDERS.]
You do not actually like these books, do you? Uh-huh.
I want to memorize every word before Guy Fox gets here.
What? That is absurd.
How could you possibly admire that - Jealousy shows that you're weak.
- Don't be jealous.
Jealousy is a major turnoff.
Whoa.
That is, uh, creepy.
I mean, wow! What a book! - [BOOK THUDS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Could I talk to you for a moment? Sure.
What is it? Dulcinea, there is something that I must tell you.
Something that I have been meaning to tell you for some time.
Yes? I [SIGHS.]
Have feelings for - [RUMBLING.]
- [GRUNTING.]
[DULCINEA SHRIEKS.]
- [MAN GRUNTING.]
- Earthquake! Everyone freak out! [TOWNSPEOPLE SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Whoa! [GRUNTING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[GULPS.]
I guess that's over.
[CHOMPING.]
- Uh - [BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY.]
Uh Um, so you were saying something? Before the horrifying natural disaster? Huh? Oh! Oh! Uh, yes.
I was, uh I was saying, uh [GULPS.]
Dulcinea, I [GUY FOX.]
I have arrived! [LAUGHING.]
[TRIUMPHANT FANFARE.]
Guy Fox! [SCREAMS.]
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Guy Fox.
[GUY FOX.]
"I stormed bravely into the Lair of Achilles.
" Out leapt the massive three-headed dog.
" [FEROCIOUS GROWLING.]
Was I afraid? [WHIMPERING.]
Yes! No! If this dog thought he could defeat me, he was barking up the wrong tree.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
What a load of drivel.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Yay! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [THIEF.]
Guy Fox! - [ALL GASPING.]
We have a beef to settle with you.
Not to worry, everyone.
Old Guy has a plan to outfox these villains.
Thieves, attack! [ALL GROWLING.]
Halt, vile cur.
May I have this dance? Uh, okay.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[GROANING.]
I guess the fox-trot wasn't his specialty.
[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER.]
[PUSS GROANS.]
[THIEF SHOUTS.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Ah! [ALL GASPING AND SQUEALING.]
[EVIL LAUGHTER.]
Guy, catch! [GRUNTS.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
Thank you very much.
En garde! Ha! [ALL GRUNTING.]
[GROANING.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
[BOTH GROANING AND WHIMPERING.]
Take that.
Now, begone with you.
[THIEVES GROANING AND SOBBING.]
This is the last you'll see of us.
We are emphatically defeated by your expert hand! - [GRUNTS.]
- Oh, he is so handsome and deadly.
[BOTH SOBBING.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Hooray! Did something about that fight seem fishy to you? I think the word you're looking for is "foxy.
" Excuse me, miss, but who in the world might you be? [GIGGLES.]
Dulcinea.
Care to show a guy around town? Specifically this guy.
Guy Fox.
Hi.
How are you? Oh, me? Okay.
[GIGGLES.]
[GROWLING.]
Who does this Guy guy think he is, anyway? With the wordplay and the sword fighting and the googly eyes for Dulcinea? Somebody sounds jealous.
Absolutely not.
Envious and possessive, perhaps, but You do know that's what jealous means, right? - [DOOR OPENS.]
- Huh? Wonderful news, everyone.
I've asked Dulcinea to join me on my next adventure, and she said yes.
[DULCINEA GIGGLES.]
[PUSS INHALES SHAKILY AND SIGHS.]
Hmm.
Did not see that coming.
Dulcinea, what is this about leaving? To travel the world on adventures? With this handsome slice of stud pound cake? Everyone, calm down.
Guy just asked me to join him on his next exciting expedition, but I didn't say yes exactly.
- [GIGGLES.]
- [PUSS SIGHS.]
Thank you, Felina.
Yet! But she will.
After all, who could pass up a once-in-a-lifetime adventure with yours truly? [LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Lots of people! Um, like my friend, uh, Kevin, and my other friend, Kevin.
Many people named Kevin.
It really is an incredible offer, but I can't just leave.
San Lorenzo is my home.
[PAJUNA SCOFFS.]
Dulcinea, you got a chance to see the world.
- You should take it.
- [COUGHS.]
Traitor! Live your life now, because before you know it, you'll be middle aged and living in a shoe with no prospects for marriage and many small mouths to feed.
[SOBBING.]
I leave tomorrow, Dulcinea.
Hopefully with you by my side.
Think about it, kiddo.
Think about it! - Puss? - Huh? Are you all right? Yes.
Of course.
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY.]
I am better than all right.
I am all great.
So what do you think? Should I go with Guy? I mean, everyone I care about is here.
Yes, well, being the very not jealous hero that I am, I say, you should go.
Only a jealous fool, which I am not, would insist that you pass up such a neat adventure with that fox thing.
Oh.
I guess I just thought you, of all cats, would want me to stay.
Nope.
[LAUGHS EXAGGERATEDLY.]
Okay, then.
I guess - I'll go.
- Good.
- Great.
- I'm so happy for you.
Yep.
See ya around.
Okeydokey.
[WHIMPERS.]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Guy? Let's go have an adventure.
Excellent! But, uh, what about your town? Your friends? I guess we weren't as close as I thought.
[GUY FOX.]
Wonderful! Just wonderful! [SIGHS.]
- Penny for your thoughts? - [PUSS SHRIEKS, GRUNTS.]
Oh, you.
I came out to the desert to be alone.
Yeah, what he said! Do you mind? You are getting in the way of my audible sighing.
[DRAMATIC SIGH.]
Don't mind at all.
This guy loves being alone.
Ooh! Ooh! Me too! Me too! [SIGHS.]
I'm always alone on the road.
A bit of a nomad, if you will.
But I forgot how nice it is to be part of a community sometimes, you know? Like the whole Dulcinea surprise farewell party.
It's pretty hard to throw a surprise party for yourself.
[LAUGHING.]
Not that I've tried or anything.
[PUSS.]
Well, Dulcinea is a very special cat lady.
She deserves a lifetime of surprise parties.
Yeah, she's terrific.
[CHUCKLES.]
She is better than terrific.
Dulcinea is the kindest, smartest, toughest, sweetest, loveliest cat I have ever met.
She is brave, and she is good.
And she deserves every happiness.
Even if her happiness means I lose her forever.
Wow.
Great speech.
Heartfelt but not cheesy, impassioned but not over-the-top.
Very impressive.
It comes from the hairball in my heart.
I can see that you're in pain.
Yes.
My heart is No, because your tail is on fire.
[PUSS SHRIEKING.]
[GRUNTING.]
If you will both excuse me, I need some alone time.
Alone! [GUY FOX.]
"Hairball of my heart.
" Brilliant.
[TOBY BELCHES.]
That was a hairball of my stomach! [MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
- [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- [GASPS.]
[CROWD.]
Surprise! [GASPS.]
A surprise going-away party that I could see you setting up for in plain sight all day yesterday? Aw! Ooh! Mm.
Citizens of San Lorenzo, it has been an honor to get to know you.
I can truly say that you are all my new best friends.
Ha-ha! [CROWD.]
Aww! I love you, Guy Fox.
Thank you for entrusting me with your beloved Dulcinea.
She is a special cat lady, and she deserves a lifetime of surprise parties.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Hey, that sounds familiar.
I would love to read you all an excerpt from my new book, featuring a certain someone.
Uh, let's see.
[MUTTERING.]
Ah! "It was there that I met Dulcinea.
" I threw her a look, she threw me my sword.
At once, I knew her to be the kindest, smartest, toughest, sweetest, loveliest person I had ever met.
She was brave, and she was good, and she deserved every happiness.
"I thought Dulcinea might just be the hairball of my heart.
" - [GASPS.]
Oh - [APPLAUSE.]
That's exactly what Puss said about Dulcinea.
[GASPS.]
Guy Fox is a word thief.
I have to tell Puss.
Oh [GIGGLES.]
That was very sweet and a little gross.
The hairball stuff, I mean.
And I just wanted to say that even though I'm going away Right.
Now, what do you say we get this show on the road? Those adventures won't have themselves.
[GUY FOX WHISTLES.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [HORSE WHINNIES.]
[LAUGHING.]
Dulcinea? [TENSE MUSIC.]
[MUSIC SWELLS.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
- Huh? - [ALL GASP.]
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
I'm not going with you.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Uh, you're kidding? I've dreamed about going on adventures with you since forever, but my life here is already a pretty big adventure.
Seriously, we almost die, like, every day.
It's crazy.
Dulcinea, are you mad? Go with the foxy man.
- Yeah, listen to the round woman.
- [SCOFFS.]
I've made up my mind.
[GRUNTS.]
Don't you know who I am? I'm Guy Fox.
The Guy Fox.
[PAJUNA.]
Hey! Back it up, laddie! Yeah, you wouldn't want to upset the round woman.
You wouldn't know a good thing if it rode into your town and offered you the adventure of a lifetime.
[THIEF.]
Hey! Uh-oh.
Guy Fox! Where is our money? You already fought him, remember? Yeah, yeah.
He hired us to show up and pretend to let him beat us.
- [ALL GASP.]
- [GASPS.]
[THIEF.]
But he never paid up.
So we're here to collect, one way or another.
This is what happens when you make bad business deals.
I refuse to pay you a dime.
So there.
Ha-ha! - [YELPS.]
- [DULCINEA.]
Uh, Guy? I know the dramatic suspense works in your books, but in real life, it's a little nerve-racking.
Could you, you know, do something? I could do something, yes.
I could.
Absolutely.
Definitely.
Do something.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
But I won't.
[ALL GASP.]
- What? - That's right! Because I was disappointed in the quality of your service.
Hmph.
[GASPS.]
Our thieving is top-notch.
You take that back.
Whoa! [GRUNTS.]
So I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you.
Remember all the stuff in my books? Yeah? Uh It's all made up.
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- What? But what about all your fancy fighting moves? - Drama camp.
- [GROWLS.]
But my books aren't entirely made up.
Like, all the parts where I go to the bathroom, totally true.
Uh, could we wrap this up? I have a lot of debts to collect today.
Okay.
How about you just pay the nice men what you owe them, then? Ooh, yeah, that's not going to work either.
I'm pretty much broke.
What? Thieves, attack! [ALL CLAMORING.]
[GRUNTS.]
How can you be broke? - Your books are all best sellers! - I'm terrible with money.
That's why I needed you with me.
Publisher said I could sell more if I had a female sidekick.
That's why you insisted I come with you? You just thought I'd be a good sales tool? Absolutely.
I'm so glad you understand.
[GROWLS.]
- Ahh! - Whoa there, lassie.
He's not worth it.
[THIEF.]
Okay, look, we have decided that it is fine if you have no monies.
Really? We'll just take what you owe us from San Lorenzo, with interest! [HAWK SCREECHES.]
Are you happy, Felina? I have nothing left in this life! Nothing, except these boots, my good looks, my razor-sharp intellect, a roof over my head, food to eat! [TOBY.]
Puss! Puss! [PANTING.]
Guy Fox did something terrible.
He stole all the nice words you said about Dulcinea last night and put 'em in his new book! [GASPS.]
Intellectual property theft! - The most violent of all crimes! - [GASPS.]
But, Toby, it is too late.
If I appear jealous to Dulcinea, I will lose her forever.
Aren't you losing her anyway? Because she's leaving San Lorenzo? - Yes, but Señora Zapata said - Look.
Sometimes Señora Zapata says we're having gruel, but I know my tummy would rather have candy, so I sneak into the kitchen and eat a bag of sugar.
Yes, your eating habits are rather unhealthy.
We agree on this.
No, my point is, when in doubt, always listen to your tummy heart.
It'll never steer you wrong.
- [STOMACH GROWLS.]
- [GROANS.]
Except when it tells you to eat a bag of sugar.
Toby, that was surprisingly insightful.
My tummy heart tells me that I cannot lose Dulcinea to that smarmy word thief! [GROANING.]
Sugar [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
- [GASPS.]
- [SHOUTS.]
[STRAINING.]
[MAN SHOUTING.]
[ALL GRUNT.]
[PANTING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[THIEVES GROWLING.]
[PUSS.]
Dulcinea! Catch! [GRUNTS.]
Puss! [ALL.]
Huh? [GRUNTS.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
- [RUMBLING.]
- [BOTH SHOUTING.]
Earthquake! [GRUNTS.]
Is it me, or are these getting worse? [ALL WHIMPERING.]
[RUMBLING QUIETS.]
[BOTH SHOUTING.]
[THIEVES CRYING AND SHOUTING.]
[TOWNSPEOPLE CHEERING.]
[GUY FOX LAUGHING.]
Tell her what you did! All right.
[GASPS.]
I tricked a lonely widow into leaving me all of her money.
[SOBS AND SNIFFLES.]
What? No I meant the stuff you said in your book about Dulcinea.
Oh.
Right.
Yes, I didn't write that.
- Puss did.
- Oh, really? But I thought you wanted me to leave with Guy.
I did not want to seem jealous.
But the truth is, Dulcinea, I never wanted you to go.
Neither did I.
You know, this would be the perfect romantic conclusion to my next book.
Only with me instead of Puss.
[WOMEN GROWLING.]
Why are you still here? [WHISTLES AND CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Goodbye, adoring fans! [STRAINING AND GRUNTING.]
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY AND GRUNTS.]
- Be sure to buy my next book! - [WHINNYING.]
Because I really need your money! [LAUGHING.]
Ugh.
Never meet your heroes.
I have met mine, and she is the best.
I am talking about you.
Was that clear? - That you are my hero and - Puss.
Just stop talking.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS.]
[FAST, LIVELY FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING.]