What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s06e07 Episode Script

1
[LASZLO SIGHS] Oh, shit.
Says here, "The large intestine should
be placed before the small intestine."
Of course. That is the
order of intestines.
Well, that would explain why
my monster cannot digest corn.
I'm gonna have to open
the brute up again.
Please, no more cutting.
Oh, no, no, sorry.
I wasn't talking about you.
I was talking about another
shambolic monstrosity.
- [MONSTER GRUNTS]
- Uh-huh.
[DISTANT SCREAMING]
What the shit was that?
- It sounded bad.
- [NANDOR] Really bad.
Where is it coming from?
It sounded like it came from out here.
- [SEAN] No!
- It's coming from Sean's house.
[LASZLO] Seanie!
[GRUNTS] Leap into the
air. We're coming, Seanie!
- This way.
- Yes.
[SEAN SCREAMING] Oh, yes! Oh,
yeah! [SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[LASZLO] What the blazes?
We need to help him. Come on.
Shit.
We're coming in, Sean.
Thank you. Sean!
- [SEAN] What are you doing? That's a foul!
- Fucking beads.
[SEAN] Clean the boards! Clean the
boards! There you go! That a boy!
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
- Why? Why would you do that?
- [NANDOR] Is he drunk?
Sean's always drunk.
This is far more serious. Ecstatic
one minute, distraught the next.
And he's wrestling with
control of his body.
I've seen this before.
Yes, I've seen this before too.
Sean is possessed by a demon.
Oh, I thought you meant you'd
seen Sean's basement before.
A demon is a malevolent spirit
from the underworld in search
of a human body to inhabit.
And if it's not swiftly expelled,
it can obliterate a human soul entirely.
Basically, it's just like a red guy.
Sometimes with horns, sometimes not.
And one of these red
bastards penetrated Sean,
which I will not tolerate.
- Whatever you do, do not make eye contact.
- Yes. Sorry.
- Not with me, you idiot. With Sean.
- [SEAN SCREAMING]
- [CHARMAINE] Hey, Seanie!
- Go! Get us under!
[GRUNTS] I can't take it. I'm
going to Diane's until this is over!
You cannot abandon Sean
in his hour of need.
Laszlo, this is ridiculous.
Every year with his March Madness.
Come on!
[NANDOR] I had not heard of
this "March Madness" before.
Throughout time, humans have
confused demonic possession
- with seasonal mental illness.
- [CRYING]
Like when a frost ghoul poisons your
soul and they call
it the "winter blahs."
Exactly that.
- [CRYING]
- [TV CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]
- God!
- We should put him out of his misery.
What the fuck are you doing, Nandor?
That's Seanie. He's our friend.
[CHARMAINE] Every fucking year!
[BURPS]
The demon is expelling
his life force from within.
- [FARTS]
- Fucking hell.
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You've sold out your
dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
So, yeah, since I've never
worked in an office before,
I guess I didn't know how important
it was to have an office identity.
For example, there's Jimmy and Raj.
- They're the office sports guys.
- This is for you.
[GUILLERMO] There's Danny,
who's the office barefoot guy.
Oh, and Marla, her whole thing
is being the office dog lady,
which is awesome
'cause I love when Marla
brings her dog and it pisses everywhere.
So, yeah, I'm just a little worried
that I don't have an office identity.
[AIR WHOOSHING]
Can you give me a second, please?
Colin. Colin! Colin!
[WHOOSHING STOPS]
- Yeah. Hey.
- I don't understand.
Why do you have a leaf blower?
There are no leaves on the ground.
Well, not yet there aren't.
Do you think you could
give us, like, two minutes?
- Yeah. Okay.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- [LEAF BLOWER WHOOSHES, STOPS]
Sorry about that. [CHUCKLES]
So, yeah, I'm just a little concerned
that I might not have an
office identity whatsoever.
[COLIN] Are you kidding?
- That's not good. That ain't good at all.
- Geez.
How about office crossword guy?
No, that's taken.
Office hot guy?
No, taken by Jacob.
Office not hot guy but has a hot wife.
Maybe it's not that big
of a deal. It's fine.
No, trust me, it's a big deal.
I've literally worked
in 137 different offices.
It definitely is a big deal.
How about, and I don't think you
could pull this off, office funny guy?
- You got one of those?
- Unfortunately, we do.
It all sort of happened
by an accident, really.
- [EMPLOYEE] Cannon Capital Strategies.
- Cannon Capital Strategies.
A phone rang and then I saw the banana,
and I did this thing where I
pretended the banana was the phone.
- Yes, I'll connect you.
- Yes, I'll connect you.
I can't believe no one has
ever thought of it before.
Yes, that offer is very appealing.
My coworker Lisa, she totally gets me.
- Lisa, I'm conferencing you in.
- Oh.
She's like the Louise to my Thelma.
If that movie was a banana comedy.
Lisa, it's your nana.
She's dying. Aw. [LAUGHS]
- [NADJA] Ring, ring.
- It's enough!
Lisa, this thing won't stop ringing.
- It's driving me bananas.
- Okay!
She's loving it.
- Also, look, it's a gun.
- [LISA] Stop it.
So, long story short, I guess
I'm the office funny girl.
[CHUCKLING] That is good.
[NORMAL] Okay, pivoting.
How about, and please don't
take this the wrong way,
office Mexican guy?
- That's borderline racist.
- Okay. Sorry.
And, yes, I looked into it,
but Jose in compliance has
that [IN SPANISH] cerrado.
Office gay?
No, that's taken. Same guy.
Office slut?
- This guy is multitalented.
- Okay. Just give me a couple minutes.
Can you turn that off?
It helps me think. I
just need two minutes.
Yes. Come to me. Yes.
Any chance you could speed this up?
Oh, I'm sorry. Am I going too slow?
Maybe it's 'cause I'm exhausted
working around the clock with Jerry.
Jerry. What, are you guys, like,
boyfriend and girlfriend now?
- What?
- Or just, like, friends with benefits?
That's what I'm hearing anyway.
He's working on his plans
to take over North America.
Working on his plan to take
over your underwear, more like.
What say we get on with
the business at hand
and summon the fucking demon?
Um [SPEAKING ANCIENT LANGUAGE]
[NANDOR] Sorry, I got a question.
- Yes?
- Do we repeat after you
No. What I need you to
do is just focus on hell.
- [NANDOR] Yes.
- Get on with it, please.
All right. [SPEAKING ANCIENT LANGUAGE]
The best way to expel a demon
is to summon a bigger demon
to then scare the fucking
hell out of the existing demon.
Everyone knows that.
[SPEAKING ANCIENT LANGUAGE]
[GROWLS]
[THE GUIDE] Hello.
[IN DEMONIC VOICE] I have prowled
the depths of the underworld
for nigh on an eternity
waiting to be summoned back to
sow fear and chaos once again.
- [LASZLO] Welcome, evil one.
- [NORMAL VOICE] What season is it?
It is spring, o dark one.
Uh, real quick, what month specifically?
March, man of the nether region.
It's-It's March?
- Yes.
- Oh, yes. Delicious.
And, uh, which of these college squads
got their tickets punched to
the NCAA's Big Dance this year?
He's looking at me. I haven't got
a clue what he's talking about.
- [DEMON] Any Cinderella stories
- [LASZLO] What?
vying for a chance in the sweet 16?
I think this demon is really into
college basketball for some reason.
- You guys didn't fill out your brackets?
- What have you summoned?
I don't know how this happened.
The game's on here.
They play basketball in college?
What about their studies?
Get your head in the game. Let's go!
[DEMON] Let us go, indeed.
This young squad from Gonzaga
is about to have their character
put to the ultimate test,
especially 'cause they
don't have a big man.
They can't really
effectively punch it down low
- like UConn and Purdue, so
- Uh-oh.
You're sure you can't see the
outline of my dick in these pants?
- Like, bro, it's right there.
- So, you can't see it?
- No. I don't see it. It's fine.
- I want people to see it.
Then, yeah. You can see
it. Anyone can see it.
- Fuck these pants.
- You got basketball tonight?
You know it, baby. Bring
on the first-aid kit.
Shit. What're you doing here?
Well, I realized I can't really
help you with your identity crisis
without being boots on the ground.
No. It's fine. It's
not that big of a deal.
No, actually it is a huge deal.
If you don't make a splash,
you're just gonna be another
anonymous name on a list
of expendable shit-munching
drones when the layoffs come.
- What layoffs?
- They're not gonna lay off
Bobblehead Mike over there.
[SCOFFS] That's not even his name.
Oh, really? What is his name, then?
- Bobblehead Kyle.
- [COLIN] Exactly.
All right. You just hang tight here.
I'm gonna get the lay of the land.
What do people even think you do here?
They think I'm one of those HR guys
that walks around telling people
not to talk about tits and ass at work,
but I do it in a fun, irreverent way.
Hello. Wanna hear a joke?
Second-chance points. You gotta
limit the second-chance points!
- Ah, yes. Second chance.
- [TV CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]
A mere offensive rebound,
and fate begins anew.
Why the fuck are you telling me?
Get over there and scare
the demon out of Sean.
Yeah, I'm getting there. But, I mean,
if they don't box out, this game's over.
- Oh, beautiful pass.
- Beautiful pass.
- [SEAN] That's what I'm talking about.
- [DEMON] Nice! Good D. Solid.
- Yeah, very nice.
- Appreciate that.
- [SPORTS ANNOUNCER] And down it goes
- [BOTH] Oh!
He's just watching the fucking
- Oy, demon guy. Get the fuck on with it.
- [DEMON] Yeah.
All right.
[SCREECHING]
Give me a minute, Charmaine!
This thing's down to the wire!
- What was that? Do it louder.
- [DEMON] All right.
[SCREECHING, SCREAMING]
- Charmaine, give me a goddamn minute!
- [LASZLO] All right. That's it.
All right, Mr. Demon Guy, you can
get up and go back to the underworld.
[IN DEMONIC VOICE] A message arises
from the depths of the sports center,
harbingering grim news
about the fate of Gonzaga.
Ay, ay. Stop. No spoilers.
I'm on a delay here. Hold on.
Who the fuck are you?
[NORMAL VOICE] The souls
of Gonzaga are doomed
to a fate worse than eternal hellfire.
Banishment from this year's tournament.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
You might wanna check your
bracket, guy. Gonzaga is out.
This is, like, colossal
bracket-busting upset.
You gotta see the highlights.
You better watch your fucking
mouth 'cause I got a lot of money
riding on this game.
- I [GRUNTS] I
- That money is gone, friend. They lost.
[GROANS]
[THE GUIDE] Oh.
Yes. Watch him squirm as
the demon leaves his body.
What exactly is a Gonzaga?
I thought they were the
strongest team in the tournament.
You know, they got a really
good group of 3-and-D players.
Pretty deep bench,
- but ball handle
- I'm so sorry to interrupt,
but should we just, I
don't know, kill him?
- Yes, I second that.
- Right?
- Or get human ambulance, but
- Whoa, whoa. No, no.
[SEAN] Call 911.
- Wow, look at Nadja.
- Uh-huh.
She's killing it. You
could learn a thing or two.
911, I'm having intrusive thoughts.
Could someone direct me
to the suicide hotline?
- [CHUCKLES]
- No.
[CHUCKLES] She had 'em.
Uh, okay. So, I've
narrowed down our options.
We're gonna go for the office
loud laughter. What you need to d
- [PERSON LAUGHING]
- That's Cindy.
Next option, how about
the repressed hothead?
- I don't even know what that is.
- You know, quiet guy,
but if you press the wrong buttons,
goes from zero to 60
at the drop of a hat.
I'm not really the kinda
guy that yells at people.
No, that's the beauty of it.
The repressed hothead only
explodes once every few weeks.
You'd spend the majority of
your time apologizing to everyone
for your most recent outburst.
Oh, quarterly growth
squad, meeting's in five.
Let's do this thang.
Guillermo, you got my PowerPoint
slides? Ma P.P. slides?
- Got your P.P. right in my hand.
- Okay.
Hey, maybe you could be,
like, the office piss guy.
- No.
- He's into piss?
Just stay here.
Okay, hothead it is.
We'll talk about it later.
- Guillermo, next slide, my man.
- Yes.
All right, so here we have the
projected growth numbers for Q three,
and it's conservative, but it's
still looking really good for 2.1%.
- [JIMMY] Nice.
- Yeah, but it could be nicer, right?
- [JORDAN] And if we get rowdy with it
- I'll give you rowdy.
- Give it to me.
- We cut half the workforce.
I bet we could jack that
up to 2.2 maybe, maybe 2.3.
- You know what's cooler than 2.1% growth?
- No.
- Two point three percent.
- [JIMMY] Two point three!
- [EMPLOYEES LAUGHING]
- Guillermo, You all right?
Yeah. [CLEARS THROAT] All good.
[JORDAN] Next slide, please.
- Yep.
- [KNOCKING]
- Uh, Mr. de la Cruz?
- Do you know this guy?
- No.
- Sorry, everyone.
Uh, Mr. de la Cruz, if I
could have you for a moment.
No, it can wait till after the meeting.
Actually, it's pretty time sensitive.
I need to talk to you just for a second.
- Okay.
- All right, quick.
Just two secs, boss.
- [JORDAN] Who's this guy again?
- Can you take a look at that?
This is a lunch menu.
Yeah, I wanted to get a head
start on tomorrow's order.
Are you fucking kidding me?
That's great. Go with it.
What the fuck, bro? You come
in here and interrupt us?
- [JORDAN] Okay.
- That's some fucking BS!
Snap. Shit's getting real in here.
You want my order? Fine. Here.
Take my order. Get a pen
ready and write this down.
- Let's go.
- [JORDAN] Damn.
I'll make sure to go
real slow for you, okay?
- Showtime.
- Let's go! Tell him!
I'm a stupid fucking idiot.
- [SCREAMS]
- [JORDAN] Whoa! Fuck!
Hey, security? Security?
- My dear Sean. What have I done?
- [TV CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]
[GROANS] Move the rock.
Ah, Jesus Christ. Terrible pass.
- Lazy possession, come on!
- [SEAN] Protect the rock.
[NANDOR] Laszlo, if I may have a word.
Respectfully, do you not think that it
is perhaps time for you to let Sean
- [DEMON] Bullshit call.
- How do I put this?
- Die?
- How dare you?
Humans, they get hurt and then they die.
They are just temporary.
No human is special.
Not even your Seanie.
My Seanie is special.
Ah! Finally. A fellow man of science.
- May I humbly offer you my diagnosis?
- Well, uh
My friend Sean here,
he had a demon in him
and his possession has sent him into,
what they call in the
medical profession,
a real fucking shitstorm.
- We all have WebMD now, don't we?
- Yes.
Well, it wasn't a heart attack,
if that's what you're referring to.
The technical term is a non-S
elevation myocardial infarction.
- Did he say "fuck Sean"?
- I did not say that. It's an "infarction."
- You just said it again.
- It's just a minor heart incident.
Tomato, tomato.
Right. Well, next time,
he may not be so lucky.
[SEAN GROANING]
Your friend's blood
pressure is very high.
I'd recommend starting
with diet and exercise.
[LASZLO] Well, don't
you worry about a thing.
Under my supervision, I'll
have Sean back to rude health.
- Great.
- [SEAN, GROANING] Oh, fuck.
- [GROANING]
- Oh, shit. Come on.
That is that.
With the Wildcats out, I
shall join my bracket in hell.
Now I begin the journey back to the
eternal hellfire from whence I came.
[SCREECHING, ROARING]
- See ya.
- Bye then.
[SEAN] I like that guy.
Did anyone else expect his journey
back to hell to be a little cooler?
- Very much so.
- Hmm.
[LASZLO] Oh.
Ah.
There it is.
I really am sorry.
I-I saw this look in your eyes and
I thought you were gonna punch me.
- Yeah, well, I wasn't.
- We can work with this though.
Guy getting punched in
the face at the office.
That's a pretty cool identity.
Stop! Just stop.
Is everyone looking at us?
Yeah. Yeah, they're all looking at us.
Great. Come out with me
and follow my lead, okay?
- Okay.
- [JORDAN] All right.
Yeah. Keep an eye on the situation
Can I have everyone's attention, please?
[GUILLERMO CLEARS THROAT]
Earlier in the conference room,
a lot of you witnessed
my colleague Colin
Hello.
display behavior that
was wildly unacceptable.
But I ask that we show Colin some grace.
We don't know what's
going on in his life.
We don't know the kind
of day that he's having.
And that's why mental
health is so important.
- [SHOUTS]
- [EMPLOYEES GASP]
Hey, hey! What the
fuck are you doing, man?
Yeah. So I may have accidentally
punched Guillermo again
- [NADJA] Go Colin!
- and again
- [JORDAN] Break it up!
- and again and again.
I kind of lost track.
- Stop.
- Yes, Collin.
Why did I punch Guillermo?
I-I gotta be honest, I-I don't know.
Uh, your guess is as good as mine.
Don't you fucking step to me!
- Don't you step to me!
- [JORDAN] Get him out of here!
Hello. I would like to report
an ass kicking. [LAUGHS]
And did you know It
was a microphone too? ♪
I will say though.
Felt effin' fantastic.
Now, don't you worry
about a thing, Sean.
I shall be right by your side
every step of your road to recovery.
I won't ask you to do a
thing I wouldn't do myself.
- We're a team.
- All due respect, Laz,
I feel like we're kind of jumping
into the deep end here, you know?
How about we ditch
these stupid treadmills,
head over to Jersey Mike's,
set up a diet and exercise plan,
maybe order a footlong
while we're at it?
- The good times can wait.
- [SIGHS]
You know, in another life,
I think I'd be a good host.
You know, like, daytime stuff, I think?
- Definitely.
- Yeah.
[NANDOR] Back in Al Quolanudar,
when a fellow warrior would
fall on the battlefield,
the honorable thing to do would
be to take care of that man's wife
until he got back on his feet.
And so, as Sean heals,
I am here for Charmaine.
Taking out the garbage.
[NANDOR SIGHS]
Washing up.
You're welcome.
Fixing what needs fixing.
Oh.
Watching what she
likes on the television,
which is mostly humans falling over
Wipeout!
which is considered peak TV.
Because you take one
peek, and you love it.
Do I like Nandor?
I mean, yeah, sure.
I feel bad for the
guy. He's a little slow.
[SHOUTS]
Wipeout!
I mean, that's why you
guys are making this, right?
A documentary about a slow guy?
[NANDOR] Wipeout!
So, Nandor, is there
someone special in your life?
There is someone I
never had feelings for,
but then, very recently,
I have seen in a new light.
- [CHARMAINE] Hmm.
- And this is given rise to feelings I
I do not understand.
Well, does she know how you feel?
Honestly, Charmaine, I do
not even know how I feel.
- Well, you should tell her.
- I should tell no one!
- Can you keep this secret, Charmaine?
- Mm-hmm.
Good, because if you don't,
I'll kill you in your sleep.
Okay, mum's the word.
I know this is going to hurt, but pain
is just weakness leaving the body.
Is pain also piss leaving the body?
'Cause I think I pained
my shorts a little.
Come on, Sean. Harder. Faster.
You love to ball. Prove it.
[GROANS] Fucking stop!
- That wasn't that bad.
- [LASZLO LAUGHS]
How do I stop it?
- [GROANING]
- Yeah. That's the stuff.
Ow. Nandor, have you
ever done this before?
- No.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Hey, Laszlo. What? I'll be right there.
- [LASZLO ON PHONE, INDISTINCT]
Is everything okay?
Sean had another heart attack!
Oh, no. We must definitely
do something about that
- Come on.
- after this episode of Love Island.
We go bye-bye now. Come on!
Sorry I pushed you so hard, Sean.
I tried to extend your
pathetic, short human life.
Now I realize I should just
cherish the time we have.
Hey, listen, Char, can you
give Laz and I a moment here?
- Really?
- Yeah. You and Nandor go take a lap.
- You okay over there, Nandor?
- Hmm?
- You wanna go get a snack?
- Sure.
Yeah, let's get this
off your hands, okay?
- So, what's on your mind, Seanie?
- [CHARMAINE] Yeah.
Look, Laz. My pop died young.
My gramps died young.
I'm probably gonna die young.
Yeah, yeah. It's all right.
There's nothing I can do about it.
There's nothing that you
can do about it either.
It's a cruel, cruel world.
Oh, no, don't be down.
It's actually a good thing.
Knowing that my life is short
makes me savor every moment.
I might not be here for long.
But while I am,
I'm gonna live life to the fullest.
To the fullest!
[CHUCKLES]
On to more important matters,
you talk to that guy
Mike about the thing?
- Yes.
- [CHUCKLES]
Where the hell is Charmaine?
I gotta get this down quick.
[LASZLO] Yeah.
I can't get it in fast enough.
I can see that.
So sorry, Guillermo. I'm just
getting a call from my doctor.
That's enough. Give me that.
- That's gross. Give me that.
- No! Doctor, there's a monkey trying
- to steal my phone!
- Give it to me!
Guillermo, can I grab you for a sec?
Great.
- Come on in. Take a seat.
- Okay.
Hey, and, uh, close the
door behind you, please.
Okay.
- About yesterday
- Yes. I'm so sorry about the commotion.
It'll never happen again.
Just I understand the optics of
the situation are not great, okay?
Gay POC beat up by a white guy
who's bald on top of everything else.
I'm not sure being bald
makes it worse, but
We just never want a situation
where an employee feels unsafe.
- Yeah.
- So unsafe that they feel
like they need to talk to a lawyer.
Yeah.
Oh. You think I'm gonna sue the company?
[LAUGHS] Hey, calm down, all right?
- Those are your words, not mine.
- [CHUCKLING] Sorry. Yes.
But seriously, are you?
[STAMMERS] You can tell me.
- What are we doing here?
- No. No.
I'm not gonna sue the company, no.
I knew there was something
special about you, hombre.
Makes me think You know,
cone of silence here
There are some things
happening at Cannon
that you could be very helpful with.
- Oh, anything.
- Some legal gray areas, SEC-wise.
- You feel me, bruh?
- Yeah. [STAMMERING] SEC-wise.
It's nothing bad. It's just
some corporate red tape bullshit.
Kinda wanna look the other way
so we can get back to
doing good business.
- Yeah.
- That sound like something you can handle?
- Yes.
- Well, all right.
At my last job, I had
to keep a lot of secrets.
All right. Yeah. Tight
as a vault, right?
In fact, that's what I'm
gonna call you now. The Vault.
- The Tight Vault?
- Just the Vault.
[GUILLERMO] Colin
beating the shit out of me
was probably the best thing
that ever happened to me.
So I guess that's my thing?
- Definitely.
- That's amazing.
[GUILLERMO] I finally have an identity.
Maybe keep it between us
how much I brought up your race
and your sexuality in this meeting.
- I am the Vault, aren't I?
- Hey, my guy!
[GUILLERMO] I'm trustworthy. I'm strong.
- Now, back to work.
- Yeah.
I'm the Tight Vault.
[JORDAN] Just the Vault.
["THREE MEN CAN KEEP A SECRET [IF
TWO OF THEM ARE DEAD]" playing]
Three men can keep a secret
if two of them are dead ♪
Three men can keep a secret
if two of them are dead ♪
I'm going to invite The Guide
to watch Wipeout with me.
No pressure. I mean, we can
just be friends watching TV,
or we can make out.
We'll see how it goes.
[SONG STOPS]
Oh, Jerry.
Hey. Are those for me?
Yes.
Are you gonna
Sure. Right.
Fuck it.
[SONG CONTINUES]
Where there is light
there are shadows ♪
Hands reaching for your neck ♪
In each heart is built a gallows ♪
I'm the noose and amulet ♪
And they call out in the lies ♪
And we're reaping memory ♪
Three men can keep a secret
if two of them are dead ♪
Three men can keep a secret
if two of them are dead ♪
Three men can keep a secret
if two of them are dead ♪
[SONG ENDS]