Buffy the Vampire Slayer s06e08 Episode Script

Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": - We're getting married.
- Did you know? He couldn't imagine his life without me.
Then he gave me this.
Ante up.
You play for kittens?! Have you spoken to Dawn about that incident at Halloween? I thought you took care of that.
- Right.
- What would I do without you? You are using too much magic.
What do you want me to do? Keep my mouth shut? That'd be a start.
Let's just forget it ever happened.
Forget.
But I think I was in Heaven.
I was torn out of there.
Pulled out by my friends.
Can we talk? Vocal-cord-wise? Yes.
With each other? No.
We have to talk.
About what? We kissed, Buffy.
So? We We kissed, you and me.
All Gone With The Wind, with the rising music, and the rising music.
- And what was that? - A spell? Don't get all prim and proper on me.
I know what kind of girl you really are.
Don't l? What we did is done.
But I will never kiss you, Spike, never touch you, ever, ever again.
Now, easy, boys.
No need to get physical, like.
Is there, Mr Spike? - You know this guy? - Yeah.
What do you want? Me? There are a lot of things I would like, Mr Spike.
A house in Bel Air with a generously sized swimming pool.
And, of course, the 40 Siamese that you owe me.
- Take it easy.
You'll get your kittens.
- Oh, I trust you, Mr Spike.
Oh, God! What is it with you guys? Why kittens? Why can't you just use money like everybody else? - She's funny.
I like "funny" in a girl.
- I just need a little more time.
Time, time! Time is what turns kittens into cats.
Look, I don't wanna see anyone get hurt.
Boys.
Then you better close your eyes.
I said she was the Slayer, boss.
Ah, good for you.
The Vampire Slayer! Have you ever given any thought to freelance work? A little debt collecting, perhaps? - No, thank you.
- Boss, he's gone.
- Huh? - Spike has split.
Well, that's what I get for socialising.
All right, come on, boys.
We'll locate Mr Spike and talk to him a little more.
Oh.
It was a genuine pleasure.
If I were to stop saving his life, it would simple things up so much.
Do you think she walked around on clouds wearing Birkenstocks and played a harp? Cos those are just not flattering.
You know, the clonky sandals.
Not a harp.
Who doesn't look good with a harp? What? I'm just saying what everyone's thinking.
Right, baby? You are attractive with many good qualities.
It's totally not stupid to wonder what it was like for Buffy.
But it could have been one of a zillion heavenly dimensions.
All we know is that it was a good place and she was happy there.
We took her away from that.
We wrecked it for her.
We didn't wreck.
We didn't know.
We didn't wanna know.
We were so selfish.
I was so selfish.
Maybe we were.
I just feel weird feeling bad that my friend's not dead.
It's too mind-boggling.
So I've decided to simplify the whole thing.
Me like Buffy.
Buffy's alive.
So me glad.
Not to be Miss Psycho Pep Squad, but we must stop obsessing about what we did and start trying to make things better for Buffy.
I'm with Miss Psycho Pep Squad.
We need to spend more time with her.
Just hang out.
Maybe have weekly dinners over here.
Or a book club.
Short books.
Videos.
I can fix it.
I know a spell.
No! No more spells.
Then what? This isn't something that's gonna be fixed by a video club.
- I know I messed up, OK? And I wanna fix it.
- I can't believe we're talking about this again.
You know how powerful magic is, how dangerous.
You could hurt someone.
You could hurt yourself.
But I know a spell that will make her forget she was ever in Heaven.
What is wrong with you?! I'm gonna go get that phone you probably don't hear.
High-pitched ring.
Ears like a dog.
I'm gonna help you with that.
Do you think I'm stupid? I know you used that spell on me.
- Tara, I'm sorry.
I - Don't! Just don't.
- There's nothing you can say.
- Tara, I didn't mean to To what? Violate my mind like that? How could you, Willow? How could you, after what Glory did to me? Violate you? I didn't mean anything like that.
I just wanted us not to fight any more.
- I love you.
- If you don't wanna fight, you don't fight.
You don't use magic to make a fight disappear.
But I just wanted to make things better.
Better for us.
But you don't get to decide what is better for us, Will.
We're in a relationship.
We are supposed to decide together.
OK.
I'm I realise I did it wrong.
You did it the way you're doing everything.
When things get rough, you don't even consider the options.
You just you just do a spell.
It's not good for you, Willow.
And it's not what magic is for.
But I just wanna help people.
Maybe that's how it started, but you're helping yourself now, fixing things to your liking.
Including me.
Tara, no! I don't think this is gonna work.
Hey.
It is.
It's working.
Tara, please.
I need you, baby.
I need you.
I don't need magic.
I don't.
I Let me prove it to you, OK? I will go a month without doing any magic.
I won't do a single spell.
I swear.
Go a week, one week without magic.
Fine.
Fine.
That's easy.
Go a week, and then we'll see.
I don't know, I just think we both need some - I don't know - space? I can't believe I'm saying this.
Are you saying you're gonna leave me? I have to.
Uh-huh.
You have to be strong.
I'm trying to Trying to what? Desert me? Abandon me? Leave me all alone when I really need somebody? - I don't want to leave.
- So don't.
Please, don't.
- I can't do this without you.
- You can.
That's why I'm going.
As long as I stay, you'll always turn to me if there's something you feel you can't handle.
And I'll step in because because I can't bear to see you suffer.
Me, too.
Hate suffering.
Had about as much of it as I can take.
Believe me, I'm loath to cause you more, but this I taught you all I can about being the Slayer, and your mother taught you about life.
You You're not gonna trust that until you're forced to stand alone.
But why now? Now that you know where I've been? What I'm going through? Now more than ever.
The temptation to give up will be overwhelming.
I can't let So I won't.
No giving up.
You can be here and I can still be strong.
Buffy, I've thought this over and over.
I believe it's the right thing to do.
You're wrong.
Willow, come on.
You ready? Not so much.
You go ahead.
Tell Giles to hold up.
I'll be there in a sec.
Fine.
Hurry up.
You don't wanna miss the low-down on our latest featured creature.
For Buffy and Tara, this I char.
Let Lethe's Bramble do its chore.
Purge their minds of memories grim of pains from recent slights and sins.
When the fire goes out, when the crystal turns black, the spell will be cast.
Tabula rasa.
Tabula rasa.
Tabula rasa.
- So what have we got? - Sorry? What kind of oogly-booglies? Lizardy types or zombies or vampires, or what? There are no oogley-boogleys, Dawn.
Thanks for the jacket.
It's cold out there.
Not a problem.
The cold only makes me stronger and more macho-like.
I'm glad you're here.
Erm I have something to tell you all.
I know it feels like we've been through this before Why don't you just jump to the chase? Tell them that you're - Spike? - Holy moly! - You need to give me asylum.
- I'll say.
No need to get cute.
It's a disguise.
Happens there's a bloke I'd rather not see just now.
You met him.
Toothy bloke with baby-seal breath.
Nasty fellow.
Ugly, too.
A mouthful of choppers waiting to be yanked out and worn as necklaces.
Well, now we've recovered from Spike's sartorial humour, I'll jump to the chase.
Erm I'm headed back to England.
And I plan to stay.
Indefinitely.
Now? Not now.
I mean, not after everything.
- Yes, now.
- For real this time? Cos honest to Pete, a shopkeeper's heart can only take so much.
Not that I want you to go.
I can't do this.
I just I need to Buffy, listen.
I know this must be awful for you.
And I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry for "I'm sorry.
" Everybody's sorry.
I know that you guys are just trying to help, but it's too much.
And I can't take it any more.
If you guys If you guys understood how it felt.
How it feels.
It's like I'm dying.
It Huh? Hey.
Hey? Hello? Who are you people? - Don't worry.
- Please don't hurt me.
It's OK.
I don't know anyone here either.
Yeah? Who are you? I uh OK.
Who are you freaks? - You don't know me? - Not a clue.
But you were just all, like, "Oh, hey.
" Cos I thought you were a girl and I'd remember, but I am a girl.
I'm not sure who I am exactly, but OK.
Why was I on the ground? And why are you all staring at me? - Is this some psych test? Am I getting paid? - It's not just you.
Does anyone remember anything? No.
Well, maybe we all got terribly drunk, and this is some sort of blackout.
- I don't think I drink.
- I don't see any booze.
I don't feel any head bumps.
- I don't see Allen Funt.
- Who? OK.
I'm not panicking.
I'm not.
I'm not.
Stop looking at me like I'm panicking.
Hey, hey.
Take it easy, guy.
OK.
No one's hurt, right? And none of us look all hatchety-murdery, so we're probably safe here.
Wherever "here" is.
Look at this stuff on these shelves.
Weird jars of weird stuff.
Weird books with weird covers, like Magic for Beginners.
Oh! This is a magic shop.
A real magic shop.
Maybe that's it.
Maybe something magic happened.
Magic? Magic's all balderdash and chicanery.
I'm afraid we don't know a bloody thing.
Except I seem to be British, don't l? And a man.
With glasses.
Well, that narrows it down considerably.
- I don't like this.
- Don't worry.
We'll take care of each other.
We'll get our memory back.
It'll all be right as rain.
Oh, listen to Mary Poppins! He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent.
You Englishmen are always so Bloody hell.
Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks.
- Oh, God.
I'm English.
- Welcome to the nancy tribe.
You don't suppose you and l - We're not related, are we? - There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance.
And you do inspire a well, a particular feeling of familiarity and disappointment.
- Older brother? - Father.
- Oh God, how I must hate you.
- What did I do? There's always something.
What's with the trollop? - Hey! - Her? - I saw you.
Sleeping together.
- Resting together.
Look! It's OK.
We're engaged.
Oh.
- It's a lovely ring.
- Great.
- A tarty stepmom, half old Daddy's age.
- Tarty? Old? You little twerp.
I'm young enough to still get carded.
Carded! Driver's licences.
It's me.
"Alexander Harris.
" Cute picture.
Hey, I exist.
I'm Willow Rosenberg.
Willow.
Funny name.
- I think it's pretty.
- What d'you got? Tara.
And look, I'm a student at UC Sunnydale.
Me, too.
Hey, maybe we're study buddies.
I don't have a wallet.
Don't worry.
Me neither.
But here, look.
- You're Dawn.
- Or Umad.
I'm called Rupert Giles.
- Rupert.
- Rupert! You're not too old to put across my knee, you know, sonny.
Anyway, what did I call you? "Made with care for Randy.
" Randy Giles? Why not just call me "Horny" Giles, or "Desperate for a shag" Giles? - I knew there was a reason I hated you.
- Randy's a family name, undoubtedly.
Ooh! Hey, I have a name on my jacket.
- Harris.
- Harris? That's my last name.
Maybe I have a brother and you go out with him.
Or maybe you go out with me.
We did wake up all snuggly-wuggly.
Maybe you're my boyfriend.
Either that, or I got one pissed-off brother.
I'm Anya! This key fits this lock.
And the forms next to the cash register say that Rupert and Anya own the shop together.
This is our magic shop? That's very progressive of me.
- So you don't have a name? - Of course I do.
- I just don't happen to know it.
- You want me to name you? That's sweet, but I think I can name myself.
I'll name me Joan.
Ugh! What? Did you just "ugh" my name? No! I just I mean, it's so blah.
Joan? I like it.
I feel like a Joan.
Fine.
That's your purgative.
- Prerogative.
- Whatever, Joan.
Whatever, Umad.
- Boy, you're a pain in the - Boy, you're bossy.
- Do you think we're? - Sisters? You never showed me affection like that.
- I'd wager.
- We need to figure out what's going on.
- We need to get help.
- Looks like Joan fancies herself the boss.
- We have a kid here - A teenager.
A teenager.
And we have no idea what's wrong with us.
A hospital's our best bet.
Yes.
Let's Let's head out.
Any suggestions on how to get there? Dad can drive.
He's bound to have some classic midlife-crisis transport.
Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis.
- Did you guys see that? - Vampires! - Maybe it's Halloween.
- Doesn't feel like it.
Even if it is, those guys are not kids, and those are definitely not costumes.
- Randy's right.
We have vampires.
- Slayer! - They're definitely not knocking for candy.
- We need to check for other doors, make sure they're locked, then put large objects in front of'em.
Monsters are real.
Did we know this? I don't know.
But we need our memories back.
We have to get to a hospital.
As proprietor of a magic shop, I propose we fight them.
We can use things in the shop.
Magic tricks, or whatever they're called.
- Send out Spike! - They seem to want spikes.
- Oh! - Here.
Let's give'em these.
- Well done.
- What are they going to do with them? - Slayer, come out and play! "Slay her.
" That's just what they said before.
- They're gonna use the spikes to - To slay someone? A female someone.
- Who do those jerks think they are? - Bloodsuckers.
They kill by sucking blood.
You guys.
There's a trap door.
It seems to lead to the sewer.
Let's go! I'm not sure what I am, so bear with me.
"Now I lay me down to sleep" Shema Yisrael Om Om - You owe us.
- Fine.
Take your damn spikes.
- Don't be stupid.
- Get your hands off me, you son of a - I said, you owe us.
- Who? Me? - You've got the boss's kittens.
- Kittens? Hey! Stay away from Randy.
- Whoa! - What did you just do? I don't know.
But it was cool.
The boss ain't gonna like this! I'll be back.
And I won't be alone! I think I know why Joan's the boss.
I'm like a superhero or something.
The boys wanna taste blood, boss.
They wanna break down the door.
The boys are barbarians.
There's no need to do that.
The humans will turn on him soon enough.
If they don't, we'll burn the place to the ground.
- OK.
I've got a plan.
- I'm all ears.
They seem to want Randy.
And I seem to be pretty strong wicked strong.
So, you go via the sewers to the hospital.
Randy and I'll give the monsters a fight.
- That's your plan? - Yes.
Right.
I'm not leaving the shop.
I have to protect the cash register and do some spells.
Oh.
Well, magic might help.
It's worth a shot.
All right.
You work on that, then.
We need to go.
Ready, Randy? - Ready, Joan.
- Son? Come here.
Please.
- Right.
- Good, then.
- Randy! - Hey! I'm a superhero, too! - Joan, where are you going? Hey! Joan, wait up! Almost there.
C'mon.
There we go.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
This must be nice for us.
Sorry? I mean, I know there's the vampire problem, and our memory loss, and all that.
But still, to spend this time together alone must be nice.
Yes, yes.
I'm I'm sure that's right.
Erm which book shall we start with? - This is the book for us.
- Good.
Does it focus on mind control or memory loss? Not exactly.
I just My intuition tells me this is the book.
I figure, being a magic-shop owner and a natural at the supernatural, I should trust my intuition.
That's fine.
But as you recall, l, too, am a magic-shop owner.
True.
But my intuition says that you're not so much the magic guy and more of a paperwork type.
OK.
Here we go.
- You don't even know - "Bara bara himble gemination.
" Wait up! Bloody hell! What are you doing? You don't know who you are.
- Right.
None of us do.
We're being chased - You're a vampire.
How can you say? - l? Me? A vampire? No.
- Check the lumpies.
And the teeth.
- I kill your kind.
- And I bite yours.
So how come I don't wanna bite you? And why am I fightin' other vampires? I must be a noble vampire, a good guy, on a mission of redemption.
I help the helpless.
I'm a vampire with a soul.
A vampire with a soul? Oh, my God! How lame is that? - Perhaps we should try another book.
- No.
This book made the little fluffers.
This book's gonna send'em back.
I've got it this time, OK? "Himble abri.
Abri voyon.
" Yes, dear.
I'm a hero, really.
I mean, to be cast such an ugly lot in life, and then to rise above it.
To seek out better, nobler things.
It's inspirational.
And the two of us, natural enemies, thrown together to fight the forces of darkness.
Utter trust.
No thought of me biting you.
No thought of you staking me.
- Depends on how long you keep on yapping.
Come on.
This way.
Up the ladder.
He's coming.
Clearly that is not a helpful book, darling.
Come down and we will fix this in a sensible fashion! Sensible? Is it sensible for me to go down into that pit of cotton-top hell and let them hippity-hop over my flesh? Fine.
Then stay there and keep making bunnies! That's a capital plan! What capital? I never know what you're talking about.
Loo, shag, brolly - what is all that? There's no way that you could remember me saying those words.
Bugger off, you brolly! Note to self: learn to duck.
Get a different book! Put that book down, do you hear? Not that book! How you doing, Dawn? I'm OK.
It's scary.
But, weirdly, kind of familiar.
I know what you mean.
How are you? A little confused.
I mean, I'm all sweaty, and trapped, no memory, hiding in a pipe from a vampire.
And I think I'm kinda gay.
Look what you've done, you lunatic woman! Don't blame me, you snobby, snotty, thinks-he's-so-great kinda jerk.
I feel compelled to take some vengeance on you.
Ow! No wonder I'm leaving you.
What? Look.
A one-way ticket to London and out of this engagement.
Of all the nerve.
Now look at what you've done.
That thing is gonna eat my ring.
I smell fear.
And it smells good.
"Fatas venga mata waray!" Oh.
That's better.
Oh, thank goodness.
I'm so sorry, dear.
No.
Rupy, I'm sorry.
You were right.
That was the wrong book.
Oh.
Erm er Yes, it was.
But I'm still sorry.
Don't leave me.
Oh, Anya.
Hey, big guy.
Check out this throbbing jugular.
Alex! Don't mess with Joan the V Buffy! Buffy! Sorry.
I just got back the memory of seeing King Ralph.
We should get back.
- This place certainly needs a good tidying.
- Oh, yes.
Yes.
Yes.
From dust to dust.
You're an odd duck, Mr Spike.
Fighting your own kind.
Palling around with a slayer.
And ho-ho, that suit! "Chutzpah" must be your middle name.
Hey, look, about our little debt problem.
It's OK.
I don't need the kittens.
You'll get paid.
I'm no welsher.
Right.
Sure.
You're good for it.
I know that.
I'm just going to Yeah.
You all right?