Camp Wannakiki (2018) s06e08 Episode Script
Camp Spirit
1
[gentle music]
- Oh no, Fern.
I got another letter.
[audience gasps]
I'm afraid to open it.
What was that?
Of course, it's for me.
[audience laughs]
Oh, I'm sorry, Fernie.
I know you're just
trying to calm my nerves.
I need a shot.
Ya want one?
[gentle music]
[audience laughs]
All right, that's seven, Fern.
You know your limit.
I'm takin' your keys.
[audience laughs]
Well, let's open this.
[gentle music]
You will soon have something
in common with these,
a doornail, a dodo,
a man walking.
[gentle music]
Oh no, it couldn't mean dead.
Who would want me dead?
Everyone loves me.
[gentle music]
Fergie's career.
[audience laughs]
Fernie, you're right,
they do want me dead.
[phone rings]
Camp Wannakiki, serial
killer free for three months.
[audience laughs]
And I'd like to keep
it that way, please.
- [Caller] Hello, Cherry.
Would you like to play a game?
- Betty, is that you?
Your voice is so deep.
Is your Adam's
apple swollen again?
[audience laughs]
- [Caller] It's not Betty.
- Ruthie, you sound clogged.
Clear out whatever's in
your throat from last night.
- [Caller] It's not Ruthie!
- Who is this?
Are you the one that's been
sending me those letters?
What do you want from me?
- [Caller] To play a game.
- Fine, I'll play a game
if you leave me alone,
but nothing involving
math or numbers,
[audience laughs]
or trivia, or spelling,
running, or throat throwing.
[audience laughs]
Basically, nothing involving
thinking or moving.
- [Caller] It's a very
simple game, Cherry.
You just have to
guess where I am.
[door creeks]
- Well, I'll tell you
where you should be
with that raspy voice
of yours, a steam room.
Clear out all of that phlegm.
[audience laughs]
Go to Dick's Bathhouse
on Highway Q.
It's free for college
guys on Thursdays.
Trust me, you'll be all
cleared out in no time,
everywhere, by the way.
[audience laughs]
Fern, what is
What is it, Fern?
What
[gasps] You!
No, no, wait!
Wait, wait!
I've never said this before,
but whatever you do,
don't stain the dress.
And don't let Fern drive.
[audience laughs]
[gentle music]
[upbeat music]
Camp it up at Camp Wannakiki
[birds chirping]
[upbeat music]
- When I heard about
this fundraiser,
I knew I had to come.
Camp Wannakooky is
just a stones throw
from Who Da Ho High School
where Cherry and I
graduated in 1947.
- Well, I didn't actually
get an invite for today.
But I've been going through
the Sugarbaker's mail
for quite a while now,
so I hope it's
worth it. [laughs]
I heard there was free food.
- I'm not here to raise
funds for Camp Wannakiki,
this disaster of a summer camp.
I'm here to close it down.
How's that for a
campy can do attitude?
- Oh my God, look at
this state of this place.
I only came here
for Ruthie. [laughs]
I see nothing but
pigs in blankets,
and I'm not talking
about the food.
- Hi, it's BeeBop.
I'm back at camp to raise
funds for inflatables!
Eh, I think they're
popping some already!
- All I want is one last
taste of Cherry's sweet pie.
[upbeat music]
But Bleep Bloop's not
looking too bad either.
- Mistress Lady
Dame Cockinballs.
- Oh, put her there,
Puddin' Pop Sugar-Cooker.
- You must be part of
the Sugarbaker clan.
- I'm their half
sister, actually.
- Not even a decent flute
here, or a decent look.
[audience laughs]
- I'm sorry I didn't
catch your name.
- Aphro Disiac.
- I do some behind
the scenes dabbling.
You see, someday I'll
make my debut too.
- Well, I look
forward to that day,
unless I get what I
came here for. [laughs]
Ask me what I came here for.
- What did you come here for?
- What did you come here for?
- I came here to shut down
Camp Wannakiki. [laughs]
- Oh, my sisters are
gonna be so upset.
- Well
- I'm not gonna tell 'em.
[audience laughs]
- This camp is going to
Hell in a hand basket.
- You want some good shit
to get the party started?
Come on.
- Yes, yes, oh, yeah.
- Come on.
- Hold on.
- It takes me a minute to get
[both moaning]
- Did you like that?
- I think my catheter
just fell out.
- And I look skinnier!
- Ooh.
- Oh, look at this is.
- Yeah, I love this shit.
- Hey, y'all, it's me.
Flapjack, back here
again doing some
community service
at Camp Wannakiki.
And I have to tell you,
this place has gone
to Hell in a hand basket since
the last time I was here.
I mean, we're servin' food
on platters to these campers.
What the Hell?
Back in my day, we ate
soup out of the ashtrays,
like God damn human beings.
And that put hair on your.
It was good for us, okay?
- I'm really here
for Ruthie, you know,
my ex love her.
I cannot wait to see her again
and tongue punch that fart box
- Oh my God.
- Oh my goodness.
- Wow, it's a bunch
of sluts here tonight.
It's gonna get interesting.
- Look into the mirror, madame.
- Here, let me.
- Its just right here.
- It's been a while
since my fingers
have been inside
of a doll's hole.
- Sock it to me, actually.
- Is it goin' in here?
Oh, there you go.
Oh yes.
- Oh yes.
- That's so fantastic.
- They always have
the best food.
I don't think my factory
warranty covers this shit.
[audience laughs]
- You know I don't know
if the factory warranty
on my pacemaker will last
either, but I'm willin' to try.
- Okay, okay, can you just
[upbeat music]
- Well
[quick popping]
[audience laughs]
- I knew they didn't serve here,
but I hope that the waiters
would at least serve us.
- Oh.
- What are you talking
about not serving?
Is that not what I'm doing?
- And she's got jokes too.
- Oh.
- The Hell is this?
- Thank you, Coleslaw.
[audience laughs]
- Hi, everyone.
I'm Girl Haggard and I'll
be your server tonight
at the Camp
Wannakiki fundraiser?
Yeah, never say no
to a gig. [laughs]
But I think I'm gonna
go voulez-vous coucher
with that French broad
real fast. [laughs]
[upbeat music]
- I'm never gonna recover
from this. [dramatic crying]
Can you at least
try to blow back up?
- Will I can try?
- Yeah. [dramatic moaning]
- Here, let me just
Let me just even
you out, how's that?
[quick popping]
[dramatic crying]
[upbeat music]
- Attention, everyone.
We have some tragic news.
Cherry Pi, my dear sweet
sister, is missing.
And we feared the worst.
[crowd gasps]
- Did someone say
there's been a murder?
[dramatic music]
- Well, like I didn't
say she was murdered.
- Detective Dick, private eye,
the campground's private dick.
Your Cherry?
She's been popped.
- Popped?
[high-pitched popping]
- It's very obvious
that the murderer
is right here among us.
And I intend to tell you who.
[dramatic music]
- Is this a good
time for dessert?
[audience laughs]
[upbeat music]
- [Detective Dick] Now,
where were you last night?
- Oh, well, I know
where I wish I was.
- Where'd you spend
your last Thanksgiving?
- Oh, well, I don't
remember much these days.
Drinkin' the
Drinkin' the juice, you know?
- Where were you
August 31st, 1997.
[audience laughs]
- It couldn't have been me.
I was picking out
the leftover produce
from the dumpster behind the
local grocery store. [laughs]
I'm on a juice cleanse.
And that produce is good for
at least another four days.
- Where were you night?
- Oh, please, I was
down at the mess hall.
I was looking for Ruthie.
I was just trying to make sure
that she could flood my
canals one more time.
But alas, she was not there.
And then I spotted
Cherry Sugarbaker
walking dazed and
confused as usual.
[laughs] Cherry Pi missing is
my favorite thing in the world.
Let's just say, I
could tie that bitch
in a knot with only my tongue.
[imitates whipping]
- If not you, who done it?
- Probably that awkward
half sister of theirs.
She kept eating weird things,
like leaves and branches,
something from
the animal planet.
- Animals, you say?
Where were you on the
night of the disappearance
of Cherry Pi Sugarbaker.
- Can it, private dick.
I know all about you.
Many of my students
have been distracted
by your large pee pee,
and given up thriving
drag careers to start OnlyFans
for $3.99 a subscription.
[audience laughs]
- Fair enough.
If not you, then who done it?
- I know exactly who it was.
It was Betty.
Hopefully, she finally
got some sense.
She should have
eaten her in utero.
[audience laughs]
I had to escape to the
bathroom when I heard the news
that Cherry had gone missing
and the worst was feared.
You see, I'm afraid
fingers are going
to start pointing at me
because I did in fact
come here to kill Cherry Pi.
- Now, what's your alibi?
- Oh, well, BeeBorp
can tell you I was
with her the whole time
fillin' her blow hole,
fillin' her lower hole.
And I know you can't see it,
but she's got a back hole too.
- A back hole?
- Yes.
- That's a lot of holes.
- Oh, it sure is.
- Sounds like there are a
lot of holes in your story.
- Oh.
A part of me is a little
glad that she's gone.
Might be my fault though.
I know that young man out there
said he was a private dick.
And mine has been very public.
- Are you the one who
popped Cherry Pi Sugarbaker?
- I didn't pop shit.
I know how that feels.
My mom might have thought.
She put her on a hike.
- And what's your alibi?
- I was right here
the whole time!
[audience laughs]
- It has to be that
old perverted bastard!
He laid one hand on me
and my tits exploded
all over the place.
I can't imagine
what he did to her.
She's old and fragile!
- If not you, who done it?
- Oh, well, that's easy.
I saw Martina Brookshire sneak
into the Sugarbaker's backyard.
It seemed suspicious to me.
I'm kind of happy
that Cherry's gone
because now I finally
get my spotlight,
and an extra helping
at tonight's dinner.
- The only tragic thing
here is Cherry Sugarbaker
ruining my relationship
with Ruthie.
Ruthie, [dramatic
crying] where are you?
No, for real, where are you?
[audience laughs]
- Any other questions,
or am I free to go?
I've got star to
make, private dick.
I have no time for
Betty Sugarbaker.
I don't care who
murdered Cherry Pi.
I want BeeBop to be my greatest
star that I've ever made.
[upbeat music]
But Cherry being dead
would be nice too.
[upbeat music]
And this time I am going to make
America's next drag really
good drag queen. [laughs]
- Well, if not you, who
are you gonna finger?
- Ooh, well, I fingered
BeeBorp earlier,
but I don't know if
you saw my fingers.
- No, I mean, who's done it?
- Oh, I can't say at the moment,
but definitely,
the French woman.
- The French
- I'd like to get to
the topic at hand.
Who do you think
murdered Cherry Pi?
- Yes, well, my eyes were on
the French woman at first.
You know how
foreigners are always
comin' over and
taking our resources.
- Yes, in fact I do.
- But now, I've
got my eyes on that
Master Lady Dom person.
- Me?
[upbeat music]
- Oh, well, yes, it is you.
- Mr. Hornsby.
- How do we know that
you didn't do it?
- Because I'm too pretty
and my hands. [laughs]
These limp wrist, are
you kidding me, please?
- Yeah, but she's French.
- I love the French.
They invented charcoochie.
- [BeeBoop] And French toast!
- Don't you want a
French dip? [laughs]
- Not that I'm glad
Cherry's gone per se.
But I can get a lot
more done around camp.
She was always
mucking things up.
You know, silver
linings. [laughs]
- I feel terrible about Cherry.
But it was always kinda hard
to tell the twins apart.
And now that one's
dead, I mean
[upbeat music]
Anyway, job opening
a Camp Wannakiki.
[static hisses]
- Oh, Detective Danger, have
you figured out who done it?
Who has popped poor Cherry?
- Yes, please, the
suspense is killing me.
Plus I've got a date
in about 10 minutes,
so let's hurry this along.
- As a matter of fact, I have.
The true murderer is
- Oh shoot, I'm
late to the party.
What did I miss?
- Shush, Cherry.
There's been a murder and we're
about to find out who done it.
- A murder?
Oh my, who died?
- Well, you did.
Now, shesh.
- Oh my heavens.
- Well, you two shut up.
Tick tock, tick tock.
- Well, ladies and gentlemen,
the true murderer is
It's me, Ranger Danger.
[all gasp]
And I'd do it again.
[dramatic music]
- Again, but can I rub you
out next time? [laughs]
I just love these
role playing games.
- Nope, time's up.
It's my turn.
Come on, Ranger Danger.
[upbeat music]
- [Nutella] Ruthie, please, no.
[music fades]
[upbeat music]
- Good evening
and welcome to the
Camp Wannakiki Talent Show.
Earlier today, our campers
helped solve a murder mystery.
Yeah, apparently I died.
But now, I'm back.
Does that make me a camp spirit?
- No, but you sure
luck spooky, spooky.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
- Spooky, spooky.
- Spooky, spooky.
[upbeat music]
[dramatic music]
- [Lulu] Every
summer hidden deep
within the dense woods,
cheerleaders gather
at Camp Who Da Ho
for summer cheer camp.
Each night the
cheerleaders would gather
around the flickering firelight
to tell their scariest
ghost stories.
Among them was a
cheerleader named Brittany.
Brittany was the most
determined of the group
and wanted more than anything
to be head cheerleader.
That night, Brittany
would unveil the legend
of the spooky,
spooky spirit stick.
This cursed artifact,
so the legend went,
could grant the wish
of any cheerleader
who dared to seek it.
Unfazed by Brittany's
overtold legend,
her cheer squad interrupted
her story and made her stop.
Embarrassed and humiliated,
Brittany fled into the woods.
As she ran into the woods,
a root snagged her foot
and caused her to tumble
down a wooden slope,
branches cutting her and
covering her in filth.
Brittany awoke and her
eyes caught a glimpse
of a crimson sparkle at the
end of the moonlit path.
Guided by the eerie
glow of the full moon,
she finally reached
the heart of the woods
where the spirit stick awaited,
nestled among twisted brush.
As Brittany grasped
the spirit stick,
an icy shiver traced her spine.
A shadowy present
slithered into her soul,
wrapping her ambitions
in a sinister embrace.
Brittany returned
to the cheer squad
gathered around the
crackling campfire.
Their faces pale in
the ghostly glow.
Brittany emerged
from the shadows.
Her eyes ablaze
with an unholy fire.
"I've got spirit, yes, I do.
I've got spirit, how about you?"
One by one, the cheerleaders
vanished into the night.
Their cheers turned to shrieks.
And their heads work
gruesomely severed.
And their lifeless bodies
left as a chilling warning.
In the end, Britney
found herself alone,
the last remaining
cheerleader at Camp Who Da Ho.
The curse had consumed
everything she held dear.
Beware the whispers that
beckon you to seek power,
for they may lead
you down a path
from which there is no return.
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
- [Hanna] Once upon a
time in the erie woods
near Camp WannaKiki, there
stood in an abandoned
theme park named
Puppy's Funland.
Legend has it that
the theme park
was closed shortly
after the tail-raising
disappearance of
several employees.
However, to me,
this story seemed
to be all bark and no bite.
So bein' the fearless diva I am,
I couldn't help but to
sniff out the truth.
As soon as I entered
Puppy's Funland,
the animatronics came to life.
And a horrible smell
hit me on the snout
that was coming
from Puppy himself.
This smell was much worse than
your typical puppy's breath.
And upon further investigation,
I realized this puppy
robot wasn't filled
with gizmos and gears.
It was stuffed with a dead body.
[upbeat music]
Puppy didn't just
play the banjo,
he was eating employees
and trespassers as fuel.
I ran out of there so fast
with my tail between my legs.
There was no way I was letting
that bloodhound take
a bite outta me.
So remember campers,
the next time you're wandering
the woods of Camp Wannakiki,
just know when it
comes to mysteries,
sometimes it's best to
let sleeping dogs lie.
[upbeat music]
[slow dramatic music]
- [Stevie] Once upon a time,
we used to live in a country
of freedom and opportunity.
Once upon a time, we
didn't have to worry
about making choices
between buying groceries
or paying a medical bill.
Once upon a time, we had
control over our own bodies.
And once upon a time, Lady
Liberty stood proudly,
welcoming people
into our country
of freedom and opportunity.
In fact, most people will
tell you she's still there.
But the truth, the
truth is Lady Liberty
died a long time ago.
Like so many other
women and femmes,
she too was denied her consent.
A seed of fascism was planted
inside of her against her will.
Now, she roams this
country with the blood
of those she can no longer
protect, stained into her dress.
And sometimes at
night, you can see her
over the amber waves of grain,
desperately trying
to remove the fascism
that was forced onto her.
As she rips it out, you
can hear her screams
all over the Purple Mountain's
Majesty, as she says,
"With and justice for all!"
[slow dramatic music]
[quirky music]
- [Patty] Have you ever
heard of the Ranger
who was here before
Ranger Danger,
the less cleverly named
Ranger Bubble Butt?
He too was endlessly thirsted
after by the libidinous
Sugarbakers and the insatiable
camp counselor, Ruthie.
They ogled his smooth six pack,
his big cum on my face eyes,
and of course, his
namesake, bubble butt.
You could bounce a fuckin'
quarter off that thing.
Like seriously, wow!
But I digress.
Twink death. [laughs]
It comes for us all.
And Ranger Bubble
Butt was no exception.
Yes, when Ranger
Bubble Butt turned 24,
it was all downhill from there.
His perfectly coiffed hair
began to thin and gray.
His tantalizingly smooth bod
grew coarse hairs all over.
And his pink breedable hole
became permanently prolapsed.
But I guess some of you perverts
are into that kind of thing.
But beware campers, in this
beautiful LGBTQIA+ community,
your prime is probably already
more than halfway gone.
And never walk in the
woods here at camp alone,
unless you want to
see what's become
of Ranger Bubble Butt.
At a decrepit 26,
he wanders the camp
complaining of indigestion
and forever contemplating
grad school,
for what is more
frightening campers
than the ceaseless
march of time.
No one can escape it,
especially you, twink.
[quirky music]
[upbeat music]
- [Nutella] We set our scene
in a children's summer camp.
It was Tuesday.
And since the camp's
creation every week,
they all came
together to celebrate
the holiest of
traditions, Taco Tuesday.
But what they didn't
know is that the world
was going through a
tortilla shortage.
Well, not really.
But the camp was so cheap,
they didn't wanna buy anymore.
What were the campers
going to do without their
weekly dose of
cultural appropriation?
That morning, the campers
were all tossed awake
by the cries and
screamed so loud
that it sounded like Ruthie
Keester at a bathhouse.
But what was a true
source of the screams?
The camp cafeteria worker,
Phyllis Cheesesteak.
Phyllis was a troubled woman.
She didn't take care
of herself one bit,
but she loved food.
Defeated, Phyllis grabs a
slab of last night's meat
and begins to eat her feelings.
Then, bam!
She was struck with
an idea and begins
feverishly throwing
everything into a pot.
Meanwhile, the lunch
room was beginning
to fill with pubescent
food critics chanting,
"Taco Tuesday, Taco Tuesday."
But Phyllis bursts
through the door
and shouts out with glee,
"Okay, campers, who's
ready for a cheesesteak?"
The room is filled with a moist,
unpleasant aroma
coming from the pot.
Then with her ladle, old
Phyllis began to scoop
out a substance that
gives a whole new meaning
of mystery meat.
The room is silent
as Phyllis giggles
to herself in undeniable glee.
Within an instant, a child
jumps up to their feet
and screams, "Food fight!"
All the campers begin
to hurl everything
that they can at each other.
It was a adolescent Vietnam.
Phyllis devastated, jumps
to her feet at the table
and screams, "Stop
hurting my cheesesteak!"
Then Phyllis slips
in a pile of grease.
she slams her head at
the edge of the table
and lets out a cry,
"My cheesesteak,"
and begins to bleed
out on the floor.
What? The camp can't
afford tortillas.
You think they can
afford non-slip shoes?
To this very day, Phyllis
haunts the cafeteria.
And they say that every Tuesday,
they don't do Taco Tuesday.
You can hear her
screams, "Cheesesteak!
Cheesesteak!"
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
- Well, spooky,
spooky campers, hi.
Oh gosh, what a sight is this?
[Ruthie laughs]
What the Hell am I looking at?
As you know, this is one of
our favorite days at camp.
And today was extra special
because of that improv
challenge we did today.
Great job, all of you.
- You all were crazy good.
I cannot tell you how
delightful it was.
- So Nutella, this look
tonight had us gagged.
And I'm literally,
literally gagged
- My mind took me to,
what would scare me
the most at a camp?
And I thought, salmonella.
- Scares me too.
- I know it was terrifying.
And I wanted to just
incorporate just a lunch lady,
Phyllis Cheesesteak.
Why not serve nasty meat?
- Well, I love Phyllis
Cheesesteak a lot.
I thought it was hilarious.
- I thought your story
was a little long,
but your performance
today just sold it.
Just sold it.
Hannah Barbeara, welcome back.
- Hello, friends.
- Yeah, welcome back.
[all applaud and cheer]
First of all, I think
your performance today
at the improv Murder Mystery
Challenge was so funny.
- I wanted BeeBop to be
like kind of a love letter
to all my hiker friends
that I just left.
And so, it was kind
of BeeBop was like
the representation of them.
Just like one more
little, hello.
- This look tonight,
I like the look.
I get the inspiration from
"Five Nights at Freddy's".
It's still very
close to the idea.
- You got it and this
was totally inspired
by like places like
Showbiz Pizza Palace,
and like all the animatronics,
and things like that.
I've always thought they were
a little surrealistic
and a little creepy.
So when I got Camp
Spirit, I was like,
how can I take like
all the little fun
animal friends that I
brought to camp so far?
How can I create
another one that can
represent something spooky?
And this is what
first came to mind.
- Patty Bourree, or
Ranger Bubble Butt.
[all laugh]
- It's very inspired by a twink
problem I have in my life,
which is anytime I feel like
I'm on solid ground, some,
you know, beautiful femme
boy shows up to ruin my life.
So this is me sort of, you
know, warning those, [laughs]
those twinks that
that doesn't
That doesn't last for long.
And there's a bubble
burst in there,
and sooner than ya think.
- I gotta say, you don't
look a day over 25.
- Thank you!
- You said you're 26?
- 26, 26.
- [Betty] I gotta get some
skincare advice from you.
- When you walked out, I
didn't know it was you.
That's how good that makeup is.
I mean, it was actually creepy.
Then you had the reveal
with a Yes, Daddy T-shirt,
which was also hilarious.
- When you came out as the
the villain that's here
to just shut down the
camp, oh, it just really
All three of us looked at
each other and were like,
wow, that was just a great idea.
And then you just ran with it.
One of the top performance
from today for sure,
for for me.
- Thank you so much.
- Little head cheerleader,
Lulu Krystals.
I loved this story.
- I was inspired by
the Camp Spirit badge.
The Camp Spirit badge
has the pompoms on it.
And I was like, okay, well,
who is this ghost
on the badge, right?
And why do they have pompoms?
And so, that sparked my
story of this cheerleader
who's at Camp Who Da Ho as
she finds the spirit stick.
But you always have
to be careful what
you wish for, right,
because wishes are tricky.
So she wants to be
head cheerleader,
and then she just
beheads the cheerleaders.
- And those contacts
are freaking me out.
- Thanks, I can't see a thing.
You've never looked better.
- Let's just go right
into the chalkboard.
- Okay, right.
[all laugh]
- Today at the improv
murder mystery,
you brought back Puddin'
Pop Sugar-Cooker,
Miss Texas' little character
at the end of the roast,
which had like, what,
two seconds of airtime.
- I don't know why
whenever I heard
that line from Miss Texas in
season five after the roast,
I've been obsessed with
Puddin' Pop Sugar-Cooker.
And I knew exactly who she was.
So I was very excited to
bring that character to life.
- So Steve, hi.
- Hello!
When I learned that
there was going
to be a murder mystery challenge
and it was coupled with
an improv challenge,
I was instantly
very, very excited.
I instantly knew that
I wanted the character
to be an old man, just
to make some, you know,
old jokes at Cherry's
expense. [laughs]
Sorry, yeah, get your
chalkboard out for me now.
[all laugh]
- Well, you went from
kookie and horny old man
to this quite beautiful femme
presenting look tonight.
I would not think that these two
characters are the same person.
So on that note, good job.
- Obviously, this
look was inspired
by Roe v Wade being overturned.
And as somebody who
is directly affected
by that legislation, that's
what I kept coming back to.
When I was thinking
of things for this,
I kept trying to
deviate away from this
because I was like, I
think that it's very campy,
but it's not the
funny kind of camp.
And I know that
that's really more,
you know, what you
all are looking for.
And I kept tryin' to find things
to kind of replace
this look with,
and at the end of the
day, I thought to myself,
you know, I need to
do what's true to me
and what I'm very
passionate about.
- While I applaud the message,
I mean, you're
obviously very much
singing to the choir here.
Like we're with you on that.
I wish that it was more
of a campfire story.
You know, I mean, that was
the actual challenge today.
The actual theme was
campfire stories,
campfire ghost
stories, in particular.
And so, this wasn't that.
This was a little bit more
of a political statement.
I love that you're
following your passions
and that you did what
you came here to do.
- I do not want to
discredit the message
because I'm behind you 100%.
Everybody here is.
- That said, the
presentation of the story
was very, very solid.
- Thank you, thank you.
- But as you know, we started
today with five campers
and only have four
Camp Spirit badges.
So at the end of the day today,
one of you will
have to take a hike.
- Why don't y'all go
wait back in the rec room
while we deliberate.
- Have a cocktail.
- Don't mind if I do.
- [Ruthie] Or seven.
- All right.
- [Ruthie] You're at camp,
no one's drivin' tonight.
- All right.
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
- I'm so happy I was able
to come back for this
talent show specifically
with you guys.
[all cheer]
- It is like exactly why we,
I think, were so like
set on bringing you back.
Because we knew like
this is the kind
of like level of
shenanigans that you bring.
And it's so amazing to look at.
- Just looking at Lulu, I was
like, well, fuck. [laughs]
- Because it's so clever,
be head cheerleader,
behead cheerleader.
- This is smart camp.
The fact that there's just like
literal dirt and
mud on their shoes,
but it's really just
coffee grounds and caramel.
- It's stupid.
- True story.
- It's stupid.
- I was really nervous about
what I put out there tonight,
especially because I
felt like the last time,
I sorta deviated from like a
standard Patty presentation,
that it didn't land.
But I
You know, I'm still nervous,
but I felt like
it landed tonight.
- So honestly, I think
I'm taking a hike tonight.
I knew coming into this.
I mean, I've seen the show.
You know, this isn't funny.
I think it's high camp,
like to see the
Statue of Liberty
have a coat hanger abortion.
That's campy.
I kind of came into
this competition
knowing that it was a
very good possibility
that I would be taking a hike
right after this talent show.
But that's okay.
I'm just really
glad that I made it
to this point to
be able to do this.
[upbeat music]
- It's the Camp Spirit Day.
Spooky spooky, spooky.
- Oh my gosh.
- And I have to say that
daily camp activity,
that may be my new favorite
daily activity of all time.
And yesterday was my new
favorite daily activity.
So it's was like, we've had
two great activities in a row.
We told them like
the night before,
okay, this is what we're doing.
You have to create
your own character.
And they were grabbing stuff
from previous talent shows.
They were grabbing stuff from
the camp's lost and found.
- [Cherry] They were
grabbing sex dolls.
- Yeah.
- From previous campers' looks.
- [Ruthie] Just hilarious.
- So that brings us to
tonight's talent show,
which is, of course, one of
our favorites every season.
They have to come with
their own original
campfire ghost story and
the look to go with it.
You know, I gotta say I think
it was a fantastic show.
- [Betty] Yeah, me too.
- [Ruthie] I agree.
I loved Lulu.
I loved the cheerleading,
cheerleading camp.
I love the fact that she had
the Who Da Ho on her top.
- [Betty] The thing I
liked about Lulu's is that
it is a quintessential
ghost story.
And it happens at a cheer camp.
It was funny, it
was entertaining.
- [Ruthie] I wish the heads
were a little bit different.
- [Judges] Maybe they were
twin twins that she murdered.
- Now, I like it even more.
- Murder my twin.
- Hey, weren't you supposed
to be dead earlier today?
Why are you here?
- Because I'm a camp spirit.
- Oh my God.
- [Ruthie] I would also
say Nutella's had a lot
of campfire ghost
story in there as well.
Nutella always gives us these
great facial expressions.
And because this
was a scary story,
we got some new ones from
her, I think, which was fun.
- [Betty] I agree about Nutella.
I thought it was hilarious.
She's always so funny though.
- [Ruthie] Well,
speaking of really funny,
let's talk about Patty.
- [Cherry] Ranger Bubble Butt?
- [Ruthie] Ranger Bubble Butt.
- [Cherry] Yeah, Ranger
danger, move over.
- I heard that she
was a little nervous
coming on because this
was outside of her
comfort zone to do
like a boy look.
But man was it funny.
- Really knocked
it outta the park.
- So funny.
Even the Grim Reaper look
at the beginning was so
- [Ruthie] I agree, the
makeup was fantastic,
especially with the Grim Reaper.
Then you had the reveal
where of the Ranger.
Then there was the
reveal with the T-shirt
underneath as the club boy.
- [Cherry] The 26-year-old
daddy with the gray hair.
So what about some of
the campers that are
toward the bottom?
For me, as much as I love
the message that Stevie had,
I think there's a time and a
place for that kind of message.
And what the assignment
was was a, you know,
a campfire ghost story.
And you know, he
presented a very powerful,
moving message that, you know,
preachin' to the choir 'cause,
you know, we all agree.
And it's just wasn't a
campfire ghost story.
- [Ruthie] No one's gonna
sit around a campfire
and talk about the news.
- You know, it's a shame
because his character
earlier today was really funny.
The old man was really funny.
- [Cherry] Another
camper that was towards
the bottom for me was Hannah.
As much as I love the
look and the presentation,
unfortunately, it's a look
that we've seen before.
I mean it was inspired by
"Five Nights at Freddy's",
but it was just a
little too literal.
There wasn't enough
parody in it.
- [Betty] Yeah, my
issue with Hannah's
presentation tonight was,
although, she had a couple
hooks in the outfit,
there really was no
hook to the story.
- When we get to this
point in the competition
where we have half
of our campers left,
it's always tough to decide
who gets the last four badges
and who has to take a hike.
And now, we've put
ourselves through it twice.
But decisions must be made.
- [Betty] Yes, indeed.
- Do we think we're
close to that?
- I think so.
- I do too.
- I think I feel
good about this.
I mean, I don't
feel good about it.
- Like we've got a decision.
- I do too, I think it's time
to bring them back
from the rec room.
- [Narrator] The winner of
Camp Wannakiki will receive
a stupendous prize package,
including Itza Pola,
a fabulous custom foam wig
by season four
camper, Pola Frost.
Shimmer and shine
with a year's supply
of glittery makeup
by Elektra Cosmetics.
Set sail, baby. An all
expense paid cruise
provided by Dream Vacations
and adventures by maps.com.
All this and $10,000
in cold hard cash
provided by Hamburger Mary's
where you can eat,
drink, and be Mary, baby!
Welcome by campers we
have made some decisions
because as you know, we started
today with five campers,
but only have four
Camp Spirit badges.
Nutella Fitzgerald,
congratulations,
you have earned one of
those Camp Spirit badges.
[all cheer]
- Thank you, thank you so much.
- You can wait backstage
in the rec room
for the badging ceremony.
- Hot, thank you.
- All right, you four
campers represent the top two
and the bottom two for today.
And we would like to speak
first with the top two.
And that is Lulu Krystals
and Patty Bourree.
That means, I'm sorry, Hannah
Barbeara and Stevie Phoenix,
that means you're in
the bottom two today.
You two can wait backstage
and we'll call
you back in a sec.
[upbeat music]
Patty Bourree and Lulu Krystals,
of familiar faces
in the top two,
but I don't recognize
either one of you.
- And there's three of 'em.
- Forget about Meredith.
- Oh, Meredith.
- Oh, Meredith.
- There can only be
one winner tonight
for the Camp Spirit
Day at Camp Wannakiki.
And today, that winner
is Lulu Krystals
and her gal pal, Meredith.
[Patty claps]
[upbeat music]
- [Narrator] Congratulations,
you just earned $500 cash.
- Good job, gal.
- Congratulations, Lulu.
And also congratulations Patty,
you both earned your
Camp Spirit badge.
And so, you can wait backstage
for the badging ceremony.
- Thank you so much, ooh.
[upbeat music]
[intense music]
- Stevie Phoenix
and Hannah Barbeara,
unfortunately, today
you land in the bottom.
So Stevie, we're not used
to seeing you in the bottom.
- Yeah.
- Why do you think
you should get
the last Camp Spirit badge?
- Well, I think that I should
get the last Camp Spirit badge
because up until this
point in the competition,
I've been very consistent.
I think I did really well
in the daily activity today.
I knew that this
look was a risk.
I knew this coming into this.
So you know, no matter
what happens tonight,
if you pick Hannah,
you've picked
a really great camper as well.
- Oh, shit. [crying]
[intense music]
- I love you.
- You too.
- Hannah, same question.
- With everything I do,
I try to make it feel
authentically me.
I feel like everything
that I presented here,
whether it's a different
color, a different makeup,
a different style, a
different silhouette,
it always has that
signature stamp.
And I think that's what camp is.
I know that if given the
opportunity to move forward,
I could invite so many
people into my world,
and show so many cool
and inventive things,
and maybe inspire
people along the way.
- We are going to write
on our chalkboard,
the name of the
camper who will get
the last Camp Spirit badge.
[intense music]
- All right, campers.
So I have made the
very difficult decision
to give the last
badge to Hannah.
[intense music]
- And while I'm not ready
to see either one of you go,
I do believe the last
badge should go to Stevie.
- Thank you.
- We know Hannah fought back
to get in this competition.
And Stevie, you've
shown us night
after night that
you've got the looks.
I'm afraid tonight,
I think Hannah
has deserved the final batch.
[Hannah crying]
- [Stevie] No, no, no, no.
- [Hannah] You're
such a superstar.
- I love you.
- Congratulations,
Hannah Barbeara,
you have earned your
Camp Spirit badge.
You can wait backstage
for the badging ceremony.
- Thank you.
[slow acoustic music]
- Oh, Stevie Phoenix,
what a delight you are.
You are just so sweet and such
an incredible human being.
You have made this time at camp
a pure delight for everyone.
- I know your kids
are going to be proud
to see you on the stage.
And I know that that
kings are gonna be
proud of what you brought.
So in many respects,
congratulations on that.
- Thank you.
This has honestly been one
of the greatest joys
of my life, truly,
and to make it this
far in the competition,
to be in the top
five and the top four
and the top five again.
I appreciate you all so much.
And I understood what
you meant about tonight.
And I had a feeling that
it would go this way.
Please vote.
- Stevie, thank you for
the powerful message
that you brought
tonight and for sharing
so much of yourself this
this time at Camp Wannakiki.
But I'm afraid tonight you
do have to take a hike.
- It's y'all's loss.
[judges laughs]
- Thank you.
[slow acoustic music]
[upbeat music]
Camp it up at Camp Wannakiki
[crickets chirp]
[slow acoustic music]
- Hi friends, it's
me, Stevie Phoenix.
Today is my day to take a hike.
I definitely wanted
to be able to make it
all the way to the end
in this competition.
But I'm so, so glad that I
was able to get to this point
to share the message that
was so, so important to me.
And I'm really, really
proud of everything
that I've put forth.
And I hope I've made all
the kings proud as well.
I'm gonna go take my hike now.
Amber's been lost out
here for a few days
and all she had was a half a can
of Miller Light
and a granola bar.
So let's go help her out.
[slow acoustic music]
Amber!
Amber, girl, they don't have
phone chargers out here.
[slow acoustic music]
- [gasps] You!
No, no, wait, wait.
What's my line?
[quirky music]
- Attention, everyone.
I have
[quirky music]
[dramatic crying]
[quirky music]
- And Private Dick,
[quirky music]
you do have a very
large pee pee.
[quirky music]
- Are we still rolling?
[static hisses]
[gentle music]
- Oh no, Fern.
I got another letter.
[audience gasps]
I'm afraid to open it.
What was that?
Of course, it's for me.
[audience laughs]
Oh, I'm sorry, Fernie.
I know you're just
trying to calm my nerves.
I need a shot.
Ya want one?
[gentle music]
[audience laughs]
All right, that's seven, Fern.
You know your limit.
I'm takin' your keys.
[audience laughs]
Well, let's open this.
[gentle music]
You will soon have something
in common with these,
a doornail, a dodo,
a man walking.
[gentle music]
Oh no, it couldn't mean dead.
Who would want me dead?
Everyone loves me.
[gentle music]
Fergie's career.
[audience laughs]
Fernie, you're right,
they do want me dead.
[phone rings]
Camp Wannakiki, serial
killer free for three months.
[audience laughs]
And I'd like to keep
it that way, please.
- [Caller] Hello, Cherry.
Would you like to play a game?
- Betty, is that you?
Your voice is so deep.
Is your Adam's
apple swollen again?
[audience laughs]
- [Caller] It's not Betty.
- Ruthie, you sound clogged.
Clear out whatever's in
your throat from last night.
- [Caller] It's not Ruthie!
- Who is this?
Are you the one that's been
sending me those letters?
What do you want from me?
- [Caller] To play a game.
- Fine, I'll play a game
if you leave me alone,
but nothing involving
math or numbers,
[audience laughs]
or trivia, or spelling,
running, or throat throwing.
[audience laughs]
Basically, nothing involving
thinking or moving.
- [Caller] It's a very
simple game, Cherry.
You just have to
guess where I am.
[door creeks]
- Well, I'll tell you
where you should be
with that raspy voice
of yours, a steam room.
Clear out all of that phlegm.
[audience laughs]
Go to Dick's Bathhouse
on Highway Q.
It's free for college
guys on Thursdays.
Trust me, you'll be all
cleared out in no time,
everywhere, by the way.
[audience laughs]
Fern, what is
What is it, Fern?
What
[gasps] You!
No, no, wait!
Wait, wait!
I've never said this before,
but whatever you do,
don't stain the dress.
And don't let Fern drive.
[audience laughs]
[gentle music]
[upbeat music]
Camp it up at Camp Wannakiki
[birds chirping]
[upbeat music]
- When I heard about
this fundraiser,
I knew I had to come.
Camp Wannakooky is
just a stones throw
from Who Da Ho High School
where Cherry and I
graduated in 1947.
- Well, I didn't actually
get an invite for today.
But I've been going through
the Sugarbaker's mail
for quite a while now,
so I hope it's
worth it. [laughs]
I heard there was free food.
- I'm not here to raise
funds for Camp Wannakiki,
this disaster of a summer camp.
I'm here to close it down.
How's that for a
campy can do attitude?
- Oh my God, look at
this state of this place.
I only came here
for Ruthie. [laughs]
I see nothing but
pigs in blankets,
and I'm not talking
about the food.
- Hi, it's BeeBop.
I'm back at camp to raise
funds for inflatables!
Eh, I think they're
popping some already!
- All I want is one last
taste of Cherry's sweet pie.
[upbeat music]
But Bleep Bloop's not
looking too bad either.
- Mistress Lady
Dame Cockinballs.
- Oh, put her there,
Puddin' Pop Sugar-Cooker.
- You must be part of
the Sugarbaker clan.
- I'm their half
sister, actually.
- Not even a decent flute
here, or a decent look.
[audience laughs]
- I'm sorry I didn't
catch your name.
- Aphro Disiac.
- I do some behind
the scenes dabbling.
You see, someday I'll
make my debut too.
- Well, I look
forward to that day,
unless I get what I
came here for. [laughs]
Ask me what I came here for.
- What did you come here for?
- What did you come here for?
- I came here to shut down
Camp Wannakiki. [laughs]
- Oh, my sisters are
gonna be so upset.
- Well
- I'm not gonna tell 'em.
[audience laughs]
- This camp is going to
Hell in a hand basket.
- You want some good shit
to get the party started?
Come on.
- Yes, yes, oh, yeah.
- Come on.
- Hold on.
- It takes me a minute to get
[both moaning]
- Did you like that?
- I think my catheter
just fell out.
- And I look skinnier!
- Ooh.
- Oh, look at this is.
- Yeah, I love this shit.
- Hey, y'all, it's me.
Flapjack, back here
again doing some
community service
at Camp Wannakiki.
And I have to tell you,
this place has gone
to Hell in a hand basket since
the last time I was here.
I mean, we're servin' food
on platters to these campers.
What the Hell?
Back in my day, we ate
soup out of the ashtrays,
like God damn human beings.
And that put hair on your.
It was good for us, okay?
- I'm really here
for Ruthie, you know,
my ex love her.
I cannot wait to see her again
and tongue punch that fart box
- Oh my God.
- Oh my goodness.
- Wow, it's a bunch
of sluts here tonight.
It's gonna get interesting.
- Look into the mirror, madame.
- Here, let me.
- Its just right here.
- It's been a while
since my fingers
have been inside
of a doll's hole.
- Sock it to me, actually.
- Is it goin' in here?
Oh, there you go.
Oh yes.
- Oh yes.
- That's so fantastic.
- They always have
the best food.
I don't think my factory
warranty covers this shit.
[audience laughs]
- You know I don't know
if the factory warranty
on my pacemaker will last
either, but I'm willin' to try.
- Okay, okay, can you just
[upbeat music]
- Well
[quick popping]
[audience laughs]
- I knew they didn't serve here,
but I hope that the waiters
would at least serve us.
- Oh.
- What are you talking
about not serving?
Is that not what I'm doing?
- And she's got jokes too.
- Oh.
- The Hell is this?
- Thank you, Coleslaw.
[audience laughs]
- Hi, everyone.
I'm Girl Haggard and I'll
be your server tonight
at the Camp
Wannakiki fundraiser?
Yeah, never say no
to a gig. [laughs]
But I think I'm gonna
go voulez-vous coucher
with that French broad
real fast. [laughs]
[upbeat music]
- I'm never gonna recover
from this. [dramatic crying]
Can you at least
try to blow back up?
- Will I can try?
- Yeah. [dramatic moaning]
- Here, let me just
Let me just even
you out, how's that?
[quick popping]
[dramatic crying]
[upbeat music]
- Attention, everyone.
We have some tragic news.
Cherry Pi, my dear sweet
sister, is missing.
And we feared the worst.
[crowd gasps]
- Did someone say
there's been a murder?
[dramatic music]
- Well, like I didn't
say she was murdered.
- Detective Dick, private eye,
the campground's private dick.
Your Cherry?
She's been popped.
- Popped?
[high-pitched popping]
- It's very obvious
that the murderer
is right here among us.
And I intend to tell you who.
[dramatic music]
- Is this a good
time for dessert?
[audience laughs]
[upbeat music]
- [Detective Dick] Now,
where were you last night?
- Oh, well, I know
where I wish I was.
- Where'd you spend
your last Thanksgiving?
- Oh, well, I don't
remember much these days.
Drinkin' the
Drinkin' the juice, you know?
- Where were you
August 31st, 1997.
[audience laughs]
- It couldn't have been me.
I was picking out
the leftover produce
from the dumpster behind the
local grocery store. [laughs]
I'm on a juice cleanse.
And that produce is good for
at least another four days.
- Where were you night?
- Oh, please, I was
down at the mess hall.
I was looking for Ruthie.
I was just trying to make sure
that she could flood my
canals one more time.
But alas, she was not there.
And then I spotted
Cherry Sugarbaker
walking dazed and
confused as usual.
[laughs] Cherry Pi missing is
my favorite thing in the world.
Let's just say, I
could tie that bitch
in a knot with only my tongue.
[imitates whipping]
- If not you, who done it?
- Probably that awkward
half sister of theirs.
She kept eating weird things,
like leaves and branches,
something from
the animal planet.
- Animals, you say?
Where were you on the
night of the disappearance
of Cherry Pi Sugarbaker.
- Can it, private dick.
I know all about you.
Many of my students
have been distracted
by your large pee pee,
and given up thriving
drag careers to start OnlyFans
for $3.99 a subscription.
[audience laughs]
- Fair enough.
If not you, then who done it?
- I know exactly who it was.
It was Betty.
Hopefully, she finally
got some sense.
She should have
eaten her in utero.
[audience laughs]
I had to escape to the
bathroom when I heard the news
that Cherry had gone missing
and the worst was feared.
You see, I'm afraid
fingers are going
to start pointing at me
because I did in fact
come here to kill Cherry Pi.
- Now, what's your alibi?
- Oh, well, BeeBorp
can tell you I was
with her the whole time
fillin' her blow hole,
fillin' her lower hole.
And I know you can't see it,
but she's got a back hole too.
- A back hole?
- Yes.
- That's a lot of holes.
- Oh, it sure is.
- Sounds like there are a
lot of holes in your story.
- Oh.
A part of me is a little
glad that she's gone.
Might be my fault though.
I know that young man out there
said he was a private dick.
And mine has been very public.
- Are you the one who
popped Cherry Pi Sugarbaker?
- I didn't pop shit.
I know how that feels.
My mom might have thought.
She put her on a hike.
- And what's your alibi?
- I was right here
the whole time!
[audience laughs]
- It has to be that
old perverted bastard!
He laid one hand on me
and my tits exploded
all over the place.
I can't imagine
what he did to her.
She's old and fragile!
- If not you, who done it?
- Oh, well, that's easy.
I saw Martina Brookshire sneak
into the Sugarbaker's backyard.
It seemed suspicious to me.
I'm kind of happy
that Cherry's gone
because now I finally
get my spotlight,
and an extra helping
at tonight's dinner.
- The only tragic thing
here is Cherry Sugarbaker
ruining my relationship
with Ruthie.
Ruthie, [dramatic
crying] where are you?
No, for real, where are you?
[audience laughs]
- Any other questions,
or am I free to go?
I've got star to
make, private dick.
I have no time for
Betty Sugarbaker.
I don't care who
murdered Cherry Pi.
I want BeeBop to be my greatest
star that I've ever made.
[upbeat music]
But Cherry being dead
would be nice too.
[upbeat music]
And this time I am going to make
America's next drag really
good drag queen. [laughs]
- Well, if not you, who
are you gonna finger?
- Ooh, well, I fingered
BeeBorp earlier,
but I don't know if
you saw my fingers.
- No, I mean, who's done it?
- Oh, I can't say at the moment,
but definitely,
the French woman.
- The French
- I'd like to get to
the topic at hand.
Who do you think
murdered Cherry Pi?
- Yes, well, my eyes were on
the French woman at first.
You know how
foreigners are always
comin' over and
taking our resources.
- Yes, in fact I do.
- But now, I've
got my eyes on that
Master Lady Dom person.
- Me?
[upbeat music]
- Oh, well, yes, it is you.
- Mr. Hornsby.
- How do we know that
you didn't do it?
- Because I'm too pretty
and my hands. [laughs]
These limp wrist, are
you kidding me, please?
- Yeah, but she's French.
- I love the French.
They invented charcoochie.
- [BeeBoop] And French toast!
- Don't you want a
French dip? [laughs]
- Not that I'm glad
Cherry's gone per se.
But I can get a lot
more done around camp.
She was always
mucking things up.
You know, silver
linings. [laughs]
- I feel terrible about Cherry.
But it was always kinda hard
to tell the twins apart.
And now that one's
dead, I mean
[upbeat music]
Anyway, job opening
a Camp Wannakiki.
[static hisses]
- Oh, Detective Danger, have
you figured out who done it?
Who has popped poor Cherry?
- Yes, please, the
suspense is killing me.
Plus I've got a date
in about 10 minutes,
so let's hurry this along.
- As a matter of fact, I have.
The true murderer is
- Oh shoot, I'm
late to the party.
What did I miss?
- Shush, Cherry.
There's been a murder and we're
about to find out who done it.
- A murder?
Oh my, who died?
- Well, you did.
Now, shesh.
- Oh my heavens.
- Well, you two shut up.
Tick tock, tick tock.
- Well, ladies and gentlemen,
the true murderer is
It's me, Ranger Danger.
[all gasp]
And I'd do it again.
[dramatic music]
- Again, but can I rub you
out next time? [laughs]
I just love these
role playing games.
- Nope, time's up.
It's my turn.
Come on, Ranger Danger.
[upbeat music]
- [Nutella] Ruthie, please, no.
[music fades]
[upbeat music]
- Good evening
and welcome to the
Camp Wannakiki Talent Show.
Earlier today, our campers
helped solve a murder mystery.
Yeah, apparently I died.
But now, I'm back.
Does that make me a camp spirit?
- No, but you sure
luck spooky, spooky.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
- Spooky, spooky.
- Spooky, spooky.
[upbeat music]
[dramatic music]
- [Lulu] Every
summer hidden deep
within the dense woods,
cheerleaders gather
at Camp Who Da Ho
for summer cheer camp.
Each night the
cheerleaders would gather
around the flickering firelight
to tell their scariest
ghost stories.
Among them was a
cheerleader named Brittany.
Brittany was the most
determined of the group
and wanted more than anything
to be head cheerleader.
That night, Brittany
would unveil the legend
of the spooky,
spooky spirit stick.
This cursed artifact,
so the legend went,
could grant the wish
of any cheerleader
who dared to seek it.
Unfazed by Brittany's
overtold legend,
her cheer squad interrupted
her story and made her stop.
Embarrassed and humiliated,
Brittany fled into the woods.
As she ran into the woods,
a root snagged her foot
and caused her to tumble
down a wooden slope,
branches cutting her and
covering her in filth.
Brittany awoke and her
eyes caught a glimpse
of a crimson sparkle at the
end of the moonlit path.
Guided by the eerie
glow of the full moon,
she finally reached
the heart of the woods
where the spirit stick awaited,
nestled among twisted brush.
As Brittany grasped
the spirit stick,
an icy shiver traced her spine.
A shadowy present
slithered into her soul,
wrapping her ambitions
in a sinister embrace.
Brittany returned
to the cheer squad
gathered around the
crackling campfire.
Their faces pale in
the ghostly glow.
Brittany emerged
from the shadows.
Her eyes ablaze
with an unholy fire.
"I've got spirit, yes, I do.
I've got spirit, how about you?"
One by one, the cheerleaders
vanished into the night.
Their cheers turned to shrieks.
And their heads work
gruesomely severed.
And their lifeless bodies
left as a chilling warning.
In the end, Britney
found herself alone,
the last remaining
cheerleader at Camp Who Da Ho.
The curse had consumed
everything she held dear.
Beware the whispers that
beckon you to seek power,
for they may lead
you down a path
from which there is no return.
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
- [Hanna] Once upon a
time in the erie woods
near Camp WannaKiki, there
stood in an abandoned
theme park named
Puppy's Funland.
Legend has it that
the theme park
was closed shortly
after the tail-raising
disappearance of
several employees.
However, to me,
this story seemed
to be all bark and no bite.
So bein' the fearless diva I am,
I couldn't help but to
sniff out the truth.
As soon as I entered
Puppy's Funland,
the animatronics came to life.
And a horrible smell
hit me on the snout
that was coming
from Puppy himself.
This smell was much worse than
your typical puppy's breath.
And upon further investigation,
I realized this puppy
robot wasn't filled
with gizmos and gears.
It was stuffed with a dead body.
[upbeat music]
Puppy didn't just
play the banjo,
he was eating employees
and trespassers as fuel.
I ran out of there so fast
with my tail between my legs.
There was no way I was letting
that bloodhound take
a bite outta me.
So remember campers,
the next time you're wandering
the woods of Camp Wannakiki,
just know when it
comes to mysteries,
sometimes it's best to
let sleeping dogs lie.
[upbeat music]
[slow dramatic music]
- [Stevie] Once upon a time,
we used to live in a country
of freedom and opportunity.
Once upon a time, we
didn't have to worry
about making choices
between buying groceries
or paying a medical bill.
Once upon a time, we had
control over our own bodies.
And once upon a time, Lady
Liberty stood proudly,
welcoming people
into our country
of freedom and opportunity.
In fact, most people will
tell you she's still there.
But the truth, the
truth is Lady Liberty
died a long time ago.
Like so many other
women and femmes,
she too was denied her consent.
A seed of fascism was planted
inside of her against her will.
Now, she roams this
country with the blood
of those she can no longer
protect, stained into her dress.
And sometimes at
night, you can see her
over the amber waves of grain,
desperately trying
to remove the fascism
that was forced onto her.
As she rips it out, you
can hear her screams
all over the Purple Mountain's
Majesty, as she says,
"With and justice for all!"
[slow dramatic music]
[quirky music]
- [Patty] Have you ever
heard of the Ranger
who was here before
Ranger Danger,
the less cleverly named
Ranger Bubble Butt?
He too was endlessly thirsted
after by the libidinous
Sugarbakers and the insatiable
camp counselor, Ruthie.
They ogled his smooth six pack,
his big cum on my face eyes,
and of course, his
namesake, bubble butt.
You could bounce a fuckin'
quarter off that thing.
Like seriously, wow!
But I digress.
Twink death. [laughs]
It comes for us all.
And Ranger Bubble
Butt was no exception.
Yes, when Ranger
Bubble Butt turned 24,
it was all downhill from there.
His perfectly coiffed hair
began to thin and gray.
His tantalizingly smooth bod
grew coarse hairs all over.
And his pink breedable hole
became permanently prolapsed.
But I guess some of you perverts
are into that kind of thing.
But beware campers, in this
beautiful LGBTQIA+ community,
your prime is probably already
more than halfway gone.
And never walk in the
woods here at camp alone,
unless you want to
see what's become
of Ranger Bubble Butt.
At a decrepit 26,
he wanders the camp
complaining of indigestion
and forever contemplating
grad school,
for what is more
frightening campers
than the ceaseless
march of time.
No one can escape it,
especially you, twink.
[quirky music]
[upbeat music]
- [Nutella] We set our scene
in a children's summer camp.
It was Tuesday.
And since the camp's
creation every week,
they all came
together to celebrate
the holiest of
traditions, Taco Tuesday.
But what they didn't
know is that the world
was going through a
tortilla shortage.
Well, not really.
But the camp was so cheap,
they didn't wanna buy anymore.
What were the campers
going to do without their
weekly dose of
cultural appropriation?
That morning, the campers
were all tossed awake
by the cries and
screamed so loud
that it sounded like Ruthie
Keester at a bathhouse.
But what was a true
source of the screams?
The camp cafeteria worker,
Phyllis Cheesesteak.
Phyllis was a troubled woman.
She didn't take care
of herself one bit,
but she loved food.
Defeated, Phyllis grabs a
slab of last night's meat
and begins to eat her feelings.
Then, bam!
She was struck with
an idea and begins
feverishly throwing
everything into a pot.
Meanwhile, the lunch
room was beginning
to fill with pubescent
food critics chanting,
"Taco Tuesday, Taco Tuesday."
But Phyllis bursts
through the door
and shouts out with glee,
"Okay, campers, who's
ready for a cheesesteak?"
The room is filled with a moist,
unpleasant aroma
coming from the pot.
Then with her ladle, old
Phyllis began to scoop
out a substance that
gives a whole new meaning
of mystery meat.
The room is silent
as Phyllis giggles
to herself in undeniable glee.
Within an instant, a child
jumps up to their feet
and screams, "Food fight!"
All the campers begin
to hurl everything
that they can at each other.
It was a adolescent Vietnam.
Phyllis devastated, jumps
to her feet at the table
and screams, "Stop
hurting my cheesesteak!"
Then Phyllis slips
in a pile of grease.
she slams her head at
the edge of the table
and lets out a cry,
"My cheesesteak,"
and begins to bleed
out on the floor.
What? The camp can't
afford tortillas.
You think they can
afford non-slip shoes?
To this very day, Phyllis
haunts the cafeteria.
And they say that every Tuesday,
they don't do Taco Tuesday.
You can hear her
screams, "Cheesesteak!
Cheesesteak!"
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
- Well, spooky,
spooky campers, hi.
Oh gosh, what a sight is this?
[Ruthie laughs]
What the Hell am I looking at?
As you know, this is one of
our favorite days at camp.
And today was extra special
because of that improv
challenge we did today.
Great job, all of you.
- You all were crazy good.
I cannot tell you how
delightful it was.
- So Nutella, this look
tonight had us gagged.
And I'm literally,
literally gagged
- My mind took me to,
what would scare me
the most at a camp?
And I thought, salmonella.
- Scares me too.
- I know it was terrifying.
And I wanted to just
incorporate just a lunch lady,
Phyllis Cheesesteak.
Why not serve nasty meat?
- Well, I love Phyllis
Cheesesteak a lot.
I thought it was hilarious.
- I thought your story
was a little long,
but your performance
today just sold it.
Just sold it.
Hannah Barbeara, welcome back.
- Hello, friends.
- Yeah, welcome back.
[all applaud and cheer]
First of all, I think
your performance today
at the improv Murder Mystery
Challenge was so funny.
- I wanted BeeBop to be
like kind of a love letter
to all my hiker friends
that I just left.
And so, it was kind
of BeeBop was like
the representation of them.
Just like one more
little, hello.
- This look tonight,
I like the look.
I get the inspiration from
"Five Nights at Freddy's".
It's still very
close to the idea.
- You got it and this
was totally inspired
by like places like
Showbiz Pizza Palace,
and like all the animatronics,
and things like that.
I've always thought they were
a little surrealistic
and a little creepy.
So when I got Camp
Spirit, I was like,
how can I take like
all the little fun
animal friends that I
brought to camp so far?
How can I create
another one that can
represent something spooky?
And this is what
first came to mind.
- Patty Bourree, or
Ranger Bubble Butt.
[all laugh]
- It's very inspired by a twink
problem I have in my life,
which is anytime I feel like
I'm on solid ground, some,
you know, beautiful femme
boy shows up to ruin my life.
So this is me sort of, you
know, warning those, [laughs]
those twinks that
that doesn't
That doesn't last for long.
And there's a bubble
burst in there,
and sooner than ya think.
- I gotta say, you don't
look a day over 25.
- Thank you!
- You said you're 26?
- 26, 26.
- [Betty] I gotta get some
skincare advice from you.
- When you walked out, I
didn't know it was you.
That's how good that makeup is.
I mean, it was actually creepy.
Then you had the reveal
with a Yes, Daddy T-shirt,
which was also hilarious.
- When you came out as the
the villain that's here
to just shut down the
camp, oh, it just really
All three of us looked at
each other and were like,
wow, that was just a great idea.
And then you just ran with it.
One of the top performance
from today for sure,
for for me.
- Thank you so much.
- Little head cheerleader,
Lulu Krystals.
I loved this story.
- I was inspired by
the Camp Spirit badge.
The Camp Spirit badge
has the pompoms on it.
And I was like, okay, well,
who is this ghost
on the badge, right?
And why do they have pompoms?
And so, that sparked my
story of this cheerleader
who's at Camp Who Da Ho as
she finds the spirit stick.
But you always have
to be careful what
you wish for, right,
because wishes are tricky.
So she wants to be
head cheerleader,
and then she just
beheads the cheerleaders.
- And those contacts
are freaking me out.
- Thanks, I can't see a thing.
You've never looked better.
- Let's just go right
into the chalkboard.
- Okay, right.
[all laugh]
- Today at the improv
murder mystery,
you brought back Puddin'
Pop Sugar-Cooker,
Miss Texas' little character
at the end of the roast,
which had like, what,
two seconds of airtime.
- I don't know why
whenever I heard
that line from Miss Texas in
season five after the roast,
I've been obsessed with
Puddin' Pop Sugar-Cooker.
And I knew exactly who she was.
So I was very excited to
bring that character to life.
- So Steve, hi.
- Hello!
When I learned that
there was going
to be a murder mystery challenge
and it was coupled with
an improv challenge,
I was instantly
very, very excited.
I instantly knew that
I wanted the character
to be an old man, just
to make some, you know,
old jokes at Cherry's
expense. [laughs]
Sorry, yeah, get your
chalkboard out for me now.
[all laugh]
- Well, you went from
kookie and horny old man
to this quite beautiful femme
presenting look tonight.
I would not think that these two
characters are the same person.
So on that note, good job.
- Obviously, this
look was inspired
by Roe v Wade being overturned.
And as somebody who
is directly affected
by that legislation, that's
what I kept coming back to.
When I was thinking
of things for this,
I kept trying to
deviate away from this
because I was like, I
think that it's very campy,
but it's not the
funny kind of camp.
And I know that
that's really more,
you know, what you
all are looking for.
And I kept tryin' to find things
to kind of replace
this look with,
and at the end of the
day, I thought to myself,
you know, I need to
do what's true to me
and what I'm very
passionate about.
- While I applaud the message,
I mean, you're
obviously very much
singing to the choir here.
Like we're with you on that.
I wish that it was more
of a campfire story.
You know, I mean, that was
the actual challenge today.
The actual theme was
campfire stories,
campfire ghost
stories, in particular.
And so, this wasn't that.
This was a little bit more
of a political statement.
I love that you're
following your passions
and that you did what
you came here to do.
- I do not want to
discredit the message
because I'm behind you 100%.
Everybody here is.
- That said, the
presentation of the story
was very, very solid.
- Thank you, thank you.
- But as you know, we started
today with five campers
and only have four
Camp Spirit badges.
So at the end of the day today,
one of you will
have to take a hike.
- Why don't y'all go
wait back in the rec room
while we deliberate.
- Have a cocktail.
- Don't mind if I do.
- [Ruthie] Or seven.
- All right.
- [Ruthie] You're at camp,
no one's drivin' tonight.
- All right.
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
- I'm so happy I was able
to come back for this
talent show specifically
with you guys.
[all cheer]
- It is like exactly why we,
I think, were so like
set on bringing you back.
Because we knew like
this is the kind
of like level of
shenanigans that you bring.
And it's so amazing to look at.
- Just looking at Lulu, I was
like, well, fuck. [laughs]
- Because it's so clever,
be head cheerleader,
behead cheerleader.
- This is smart camp.
The fact that there's just like
literal dirt and
mud on their shoes,
but it's really just
coffee grounds and caramel.
- It's stupid.
- True story.
- It's stupid.
- I was really nervous about
what I put out there tonight,
especially because I
felt like the last time,
I sorta deviated from like a
standard Patty presentation,
that it didn't land.
But I
You know, I'm still nervous,
but I felt like
it landed tonight.
- So honestly, I think
I'm taking a hike tonight.
I knew coming into this.
I mean, I've seen the show.
You know, this isn't funny.
I think it's high camp,
like to see the
Statue of Liberty
have a coat hanger abortion.
That's campy.
I kind of came into
this competition
knowing that it was a
very good possibility
that I would be taking a hike
right after this talent show.
But that's okay.
I'm just really
glad that I made it
to this point to
be able to do this.
[upbeat music]
- It's the Camp Spirit Day.
Spooky spooky, spooky.
- Oh my gosh.
- And I have to say that
daily camp activity,
that may be my new favorite
daily activity of all time.
And yesterday was my new
favorite daily activity.
So it's was like, we've had
two great activities in a row.
We told them like
the night before,
okay, this is what we're doing.
You have to create
your own character.
And they were grabbing stuff
from previous talent shows.
They were grabbing stuff from
the camp's lost and found.
- [Cherry] They were
grabbing sex dolls.
- Yeah.
- From previous campers' looks.
- [Ruthie] Just hilarious.
- So that brings us to
tonight's talent show,
which is, of course, one of
our favorites every season.
They have to come with
their own original
campfire ghost story and
the look to go with it.
You know, I gotta say I think
it was a fantastic show.
- [Betty] Yeah, me too.
- [Ruthie] I agree.
I loved Lulu.
I loved the cheerleading,
cheerleading camp.
I love the fact that she had
the Who Da Ho on her top.
- [Betty] The thing I
liked about Lulu's is that
it is a quintessential
ghost story.
And it happens at a cheer camp.
It was funny, it
was entertaining.
- [Ruthie] I wish the heads
were a little bit different.
- [Judges] Maybe they were
twin twins that she murdered.
- Now, I like it even more.
- Murder my twin.
- Hey, weren't you supposed
to be dead earlier today?
Why are you here?
- Because I'm a camp spirit.
- Oh my God.
- [Ruthie] I would also
say Nutella's had a lot
of campfire ghost
story in there as well.
Nutella always gives us these
great facial expressions.
And because this
was a scary story,
we got some new ones from
her, I think, which was fun.
- [Betty] I agree about Nutella.
I thought it was hilarious.
She's always so funny though.
- [Ruthie] Well,
speaking of really funny,
let's talk about Patty.
- [Cherry] Ranger Bubble Butt?
- [Ruthie] Ranger Bubble Butt.
- [Cherry] Yeah, Ranger
danger, move over.
- I heard that she
was a little nervous
coming on because this
was outside of her
comfort zone to do
like a boy look.
But man was it funny.
- Really knocked
it outta the park.
- So funny.
Even the Grim Reaper look
at the beginning was so
- [Ruthie] I agree, the
makeup was fantastic,
especially with the Grim Reaper.
Then you had the reveal
where of the Ranger.
Then there was the
reveal with the T-shirt
underneath as the club boy.
- [Cherry] The 26-year-old
daddy with the gray hair.
So what about some of
the campers that are
toward the bottom?
For me, as much as I love
the message that Stevie had,
I think there's a time and a
place for that kind of message.
And what the assignment
was was a, you know,
a campfire ghost story.
And you know, he
presented a very powerful,
moving message that, you know,
preachin' to the choir 'cause,
you know, we all agree.
And it's just wasn't a
campfire ghost story.
- [Ruthie] No one's gonna
sit around a campfire
and talk about the news.
- You know, it's a shame
because his character
earlier today was really funny.
The old man was really funny.
- [Cherry] Another
camper that was towards
the bottom for me was Hannah.
As much as I love the
look and the presentation,
unfortunately, it's a look
that we've seen before.
I mean it was inspired by
"Five Nights at Freddy's",
but it was just a
little too literal.
There wasn't enough
parody in it.
- [Betty] Yeah, my
issue with Hannah's
presentation tonight was,
although, she had a couple
hooks in the outfit,
there really was no
hook to the story.
- When we get to this
point in the competition
where we have half
of our campers left,
it's always tough to decide
who gets the last four badges
and who has to take a hike.
And now, we've put
ourselves through it twice.
But decisions must be made.
- [Betty] Yes, indeed.
- Do we think we're
close to that?
- I think so.
- I do too.
- I think I feel
good about this.
I mean, I don't
feel good about it.
- Like we've got a decision.
- I do too, I think it's time
to bring them back
from the rec room.
- [Narrator] The winner of
Camp Wannakiki will receive
a stupendous prize package,
including Itza Pola,
a fabulous custom foam wig
by season four
camper, Pola Frost.
Shimmer and shine
with a year's supply
of glittery makeup
by Elektra Cosmetics.
Set sail, baby. An all
expense paid cruise
provided by Dream Vacations
and adventures by maps.com.
All this and $10,000
in cold hard cash
provided by Hamburger Mary's
where you can eat,
drink, and be Mary, baby!
Welcome by campers we
have made some decisions
because as you know, we started
today with five campers,
but only have four
Camp Spirit badges.
Nutella Fitzgerald,
congratulations,
you have earned one of
those Camp Spirit badges.
[all cheer]
- Thank you, thank you so much.
- You can wait backstage
in the rec room
for the badging ceremony.
- Hot, thank you.
- All right, you four
campers represent the top two
and the bottom two for today.
And we would like to speak
first with the top two.
And that is Lulu Krystals
and Patty Bourree.
That means, I'm sorry, Hannah
Barbeara and Stevie Phoenix,
that means you're in
the bottom two today.
You two can wait backstage
and we'll call
you back in a sec.
[upbeat music]
Patty Bourree and Lulu Krystals,
of familiar faces
in the top two,
but I don't recognize
either one of you.
- And there's three of 'em.
- Forget about Meredith.
- Oh, Meredith.
- Oh, Meredith.
- There can only be
one winner tonight
for the Camp Spirit
Day at Camp Wannakiki.
And today, that winner
is Lulu Krystals
and her gal pal, Meredith.
[Patty claps]
[upbeat music]
- [Narrator] Congratulations,
you just earned $500 cash.
- Good job, gal.
- Congratulations, Lulu.
And also congratulations Patty,
you both earned your
Camp Spirit badge.
And so, you can wait backstage
for the badging ceremony.
- Thank you so much, ooh.
[upbeat music]
[intense music]
- Stevie Phoenix
and Hannah Barbeara,
unfortunately, today
you land in the bottom.
So Stevie, we're not used
to seeing you in the bottom.
- Yeah.
- Why do you think
you should get
the last Camp Spirit badge?
- Well, I think that I should
get the last Camp Spirit badge
because up until this
point in the competition,
I've been very consistent.
I think I did really well
in the daily activity today.
I knew that this
look was a risk.
I knew this coming into this.
So you know, no matter
what happens tonight,
if you pick Hannah,
you've picked
a really great camper as well.
- Oh, shit. [crying]
[intense music]
- I love you.
- You too.
- Hannah, same question.
- With everything I do,
I try to make it feel
authentically me.
I feel like everything
that I presented here,
whether it's a different
color, a different makeup,
a different style, a
different silhouette,
it always has that
signature stamp.
And I think that's what camp is.
I know that if given the
opportunity to move forward,
I could invite so many
people into my world,
and show so many cool
and inventive things,
and maybe inspire
people along the way.
- We are going to write
on our chalkboard,
the name of the
camper who will get
the last Camp Spirit badge.
[intense music]
- All right, campers.
So I have made the
very difficult decision
to give the last
badge to Hannah.
[intense music]
- And while I'm not ready
to see either one of you go,
I do believe the last
badge should go to Stevie.
- Thank you.
- We know Hannah fought back
to get in this competition.
And Stevie, you've
shown us night
after night that
you've got the looks.
I'm afraid tonight,
I think Hannah
has deserved the final batch.
[Hannah crying]
- [Stevie] No, no, no, no.
- [Hannah] You're
such a superstar.
- I love you.
- Congratulations,
Hannah Barbeara,
you have earned your
Camp Spirit badge.
You can wait backstage
for the badging ceremony.
- Thank you.
[slow acoustic music]
- Oh, Stevie Phoenix,
what a delight you are.
You are just so sweet and such
an incredible human being.
You have made this time at camp
a pure delight for everyone.
- I know your kids
are going to be proud
to see you on the stage.
And I know that that
kings are gonna be
proud of what you brought.
So in many respects,
congratulations on that.
- Thank you.
This has honestly been one
of the greatest joys
of my life, truly,
and to make it this
far in the competition,
to be in the top
five and the top four
and the top five again.
I appreciate you all so much.
And I understood what
you meant about tonight.
And I had a feeling that
it would go this way.
Please vote.
- Stevie, thank you for
the powerful message
that you brought
tonight and for sharing
so much of yourself this
this time at Camp Wannakiki.
But I'm afraid tonight you
do have to take a hike.
- It's y'all's loss.
[judges laughs]
- Thank you.
[slow acoustic music]
[upbeat music]
Camp it up at Camp Wannakiki
[crickets chirp]
[slow acoustic music]
- Hi friends, it's
me, Stevie Phoenix.
Today is my day to take a hike.
I definitely wanted
to be able to make it
all the way to the end
in this competition.
But I'm so, so glad that I
was able to get to this point
to share the message that
was so, so important to me.
And I'm really, really
proud of everything
that I've put forth.
And I hope I've made all
the kings proud as well.
I'm gonna go take my hike now.
Amber's been lost out
here for a few days
and all she had was a half a can
of Miller Light
and a granola bar.
So let's go help her out.
[slow acoustic music]
Amber!
Amber, girl, they don't have
phone chargers out here.
[slow acoustic music]
- [gasps] You!
No, no, wait, wait.
What's my line?
[quirky music]
- Attention, everyone.
I have
[quirky music]
[dramatic crying]
[quirky music]
- And Private Dick,
[quirky music]
you do have a very
large pee pee.
[quirky music]
- Are we still rolling?
[static hisses]