Cold Feet (1997) s06e08 Episode Script

1 They say that when you stop looking love finds you.
And what happens if it hasn't found her? This isn't a peace treaty, it's my surrender.
I can't be seen to lose my own divorce, can I? You've got me through all this.
That's why we need to celebrate.
- Don't! - - Get a room, you two.
There's a real possibility I'll be convicted and sent to prison.
I have your confession, from your own lips.
Oh, shit.
If you're shallow enough to be swayed by cheap flowers then he deserves you.
I've left her.
It's you I wanna be with.
Bloody great birthday, this is, huh? No-one's free, not even David.
- You should have told more people.
- I didn't want to make a fuss.
Well, I did drop some subtle hints.
- My favourite number is - Mine's 18.
That's my birthday.
This month, as it happens.
No big deal.
- What star sign are you? - Pisces.
I'm Aries.
18th of this month.
A week on Saturday, in fact.
Ten days' time.
Subtle.
Worst birthday ever.
Oh, for God's sake.
Look, I'm not supposed to tell you this.
The reason why no-one's here is they're helping Tina decorate your apartment.
I'm moving out tomorrow.
Couldn't she wait? It's a surprise birthday.
- Hiya! - Hi, Pete.
You know it's Adam's birthday this weekend? Oh, he's not been on at you as well, has he? I don't know if you're doing anything for him, but we could have a party for him here.
She offered.
I may be tempted to read something into that.
You might.
She thought it'd double up as a leaving do.
- I bet Jamie's not wild about it.
- Her married man? - He's now her live-in lover.
- I don't think he'll mind.
He's invited.
Oh.
Bollocks.
Still, a party, though, eh? I thought I was condemned to a really boring night in the pub.
Thanks.
Oh, try and look surprised when you get there.
Yeah.
Surprise! Oh, naughty, naughty, naughty.
Er Oh What? - Hello.
- Hi.
Er, I'm 49.
- I was sure you were 50.
- Why? You made such a fuss.
I thought it must be a significant number.
49 is.
It's the last time I will be 40-something.
Nobody wants to be 50.
Well, just look at it as practice.
Besides, none of this lot will notice.
While we're at it, who are they? I don't know half of them.
I figured you didn't know that many people so I padded it out with some mates of mine.
Oh.
50 and friendless.
Brilliant.
Thanks.
- Happy 50th.
- I'm not 50.
- How does it feel to be 50, then? - I've no idea.
I'm not 50.
I didn't think that you and David were going to make it in time.
- Well, he didn't.
- You were cutting it a bit fine.
I know, I had a meeting.
I was trying to sign a new author.
How did that go? You must have interest from a lot of publishers.
A million readers online, they all come running.
- Well, you're up to 1.
2 now.
- Shit.
This is going off.
Very exciting.
And pretty terrifying, I imagine.
They promise me the earth.
Movie deals, endorsements.
You must be wondering how you choose who to go with.
Yeah.
They all just tell me how brilliant I am.
Friday, your book is going to be a huge success, regardless.
But I think it can be so much more than that, I really do.
If we're smart about how we use social media That's my job.
And I'm as good in my field as Karen is in hers.
But, do you know what, if it works, we're looking at so much more than a bestseller here.
There's a lot to think about, and it's a really important decision.
I've already decided.
I want to work with you.
- My first author.
- Congratulations.
We should celebrate, right? I already did.
What? I thought that was meant to be a one-off.
- It was.
Won't happen again.
- A two-off? No, no, it won't happen, seriously, we both agreed.
Right, yeah.
Like last time.
- Jenny.
- Karen, sorry I'm late.
- Have you been drinking? - I've had a meeting with my lawyer.
- Cup of tea, Floyd? - If you're having one.
- I won't, thanks.
- Dad? I'm in the kitchen, Liv.
Hi.
Robin just dropped me off.
She wanted me to give you this.
And guess what? She's offered to take me on once I've done a law degree.
Great.
She's rolled over.
She's agreed to a quickie divorce.
David, that's great.
It's due to you and the talking you gave her.
It was magnificent.
That deserves a drink to celebrate.
- I haven't finished yet.
- Oh.
Why are you here, Floyd? Come to burst my bubble? A remarkable thing has happened.
Your firm has changed its story.
- What? - They've found some emails that undermine the case against you.
They've handed them to the CPS who I've just heard have decided to drop all charges against you.
That's why I've been drinking.
- You're off the hook.
Whoa.
- The recording you made.
The boss didn't realise it was useless.
But he filed it, anyway.
Stupid bastard.
I am going to get smashed.
Ooh.
We kissed.
We properly kissed.
Then that dickhead turns up, serenading her.
I mean, who sings to women nowadays? - You sang to Rachel.
- It was different.
- Why? - I had a rose up my arse.
I mean, everyone knows that married men who are having affairs don't leave their wives.
- It's a fact.
- Listen, - maybe his wife kicked him out.
- Oh, yeah, that could be it.
He's on the street, turns up at Tina's.
It's not the fact that he moved out, it's the fact that she took him in.
I thought something might happen between us.
Come on.
Hang on in there.
You never know.
I mean, listen, it's one thing having an affair with someone, quite another having to wash their grundies of an evening.
That's it.
There's nothing kills romance quite like living together, eh? I just need to sit back, bide my time, and wait for the car crash to happen.
- Except, you move out in a few days.
- Oh.
Listen, you need to nudge it along a bit, because the girl crash.
Hello! Ohh! Party, party! Ramona.
So when Joshie say he coming home, I think why not I come too? And then I hear it's your party.
Ooh, you're 50.
- No.
- It's great to see you, Ramona.
And my little boy.
- Who's this, then? - This? This is Juan, my boyfriend.
- He no speak no English.
- Oh.
Hola.
- Respect, Ramona.
- Yeah.
He'll do.
But, Jenny, you look fantastic.
That's what I keep telling Pete.
He look a little bit older but not so fat, I think.
- Josh! - Dad.
- How lovely to see Ramona? - David.
Joshie, what wonderful timing.
You can join our celebration.
- Yeah, for Adam's 50.
- Jesus.
That as well, but, I mean, me not facing jail.
- Jail? - Your mum didn't tell you? - I didn't think you wanted him to know.
- Too late for that now.
Hello.
I haven't had a chance to catch you on your own.
- No.
- I don't mean just tonight.
I mean, since Since I slapped you.
I'm sorry.
That should never have happened.
Thanks for organising tonight.
You didn't have to.
- That's what Jamie said.
- Oh, yeah, I bet he did.
If I were him, I'd have written my own song, not nick someone else's.
Yeah, but you're not him, are you? No.
This is my mate, Deanne.
I thought you two might like to meet each other.
I'm single too.
Ohh! I'm empty.
Do you want to fill me up? You're very forward, aren't you? - I've only known you five minutes.
- You said you wanted to see the roof terrace.
Are you all right? I shouldn't really.
I'm anyone's after three.
And this'll be my fifth.
So, Tina tells me your marriage only lasted six weeks.
Great.
Cos that is the one thing that you really want people to know about you.
I thought, "Steer well clear.
He sounds a disaster.
" So, why are you here? Well, I'm not exactly spoilt for choice, am I? Oh, thanks very much.
I'm messing with you.
No.
It's cos of what else she said about you.
- Really? - Mm.
Tell me more, Deanne.
It's been wonderful being a family again.
It's like the years have just fallen away.
But you're only staying a short time, I think.
Oh, Karen hasn't said anything, but How would you describe me, Ramona? - I'm sorry? - You haven't seen me for a while.
I was just wondering what your perception of me is.
Well, I Oh, David, you're a very nice man.
No, no, no, I'm not your employer any more.
If you think I'm in any way insensitive or aloof or self-absorbed, you're quite at liberty to say.
Yeah, I think so.
- Which? - All of them.
I suppose you're right.
Because recently I had a period of forced self-reflection.
I realised that the reason I'm not happy is that I don't like the person I've become.
I want to be a better man, Ramona, the man that Karen once fell in love with.
I want to be worthy of her love again.
I think I can be.
Oh, David.
You know, the fact that you are saying all of this - maybe you're already getting there.
- I hope so, Ramona.
I really do.
Pete looks like he's having a good time.
Yeah, that's cos he's on a cocktail.
- Looks like beer.
- Booze and meds.
He's slowly coming off 'em, but they're still having an impact.
That's a good thing, isn't it? He's happier.
Actually, so much so that we decided to celebrate, like you did when you landed that author.
We haven't had sex for months.
I should be gagging for it by now.
It's the pills.
It's a known side effect.
I feel dead from the waist down.
You're not dead.
You're just numb.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, love.
- No? No, love, please, don't touch me there.
What if - Yeah? - It's old age? - What if, when I was depressed - Yeah? My libido's dried up.
I don't think that's what libidos do, love.
Oh, Jen.
I just want us to be how we were.
We will.
Don't worry.
It's another month till he's off his meds.
Look, we've waited this long, we can wait another four weeks.
- Where's your date? - Passed out, God willing.
- I don't know what Tina was thinking.
- Ask her.
You know, well, if he ever lets her go, maybe I will.
Woo! Do you think Ramona knows he's gay? What makes you think he is? - Just cos you two can't dance.
- Not like that, we can't.
He's Spanish.
It's in their blood.
- Homosexuality? - Dance.
I tell you what, if I was Ramona and I had that writhing all over me I wouldn't care if he was gay.
Aye, aye, I think he's looking this way.
- Oh, look.
- Look, look, look, look.
- Yeah, it's you.
Go on, fill your boots.
- Go on, have it.
- Really? - Yeah.
- OK.
- There she goes.
I hear you and Jen tried to get back to doing what married couples do.
- Arguing? - I mean sex.
Went off half-cocked, I gather.
- Didn't reach those heights.
- Your doctor can prescribe something.
- No need.
- You're cured? - I go some from a friend.
- Who? All right, chaps? Oh, Jesus.
Are you sure? I don't need them.
Haven't for a while, to be honest.
- What did you get them for? - Robin.
She insisted.
Time was she had quite an appetite.
Till she went on a starvation diet.
D-D-Don't flash them about.
I'm up for fraud.
I don't want supply of a controlled substance added to my charge sheet.
It'd earn you more respect in prison.
You're very kind.
They're quite old.
They might have lost their potency.
Sounds like me.
Oh, Jen.
I think I've done something silly.
Oh, my God.
- Is that natural? - I've had help from David.
- I didn't know you found him so attractive.
- I may have overdone the dose.
Ugh! On top of your anti-depressants.
Honestly.
Listen, I can see that you're up for it.
- You might check with me first.
- Aren't you? It's not exactly flattering.
That's chemically induced.
And don't prod me with it.
It was most uncomfortable.
I had to sleep on my back.
- Deanne thinks you're ignoring her.
- More avoiding.
She's very attractive.
And desperate.
Those two cancel each other out.
- She told me what you said about me.
- Mm.
She does have a tendency to exaggerate.
Maybe me too.
Trying to persuade her of your virtues.
It's not a very hard sell.
Anything that has a pulse would do it for Deanne.
Would you like us to be together? Me and Deanne.
Sweetheart, you mustn't monopolise the birthday boy.
Of course, it's just as much of a farewell party, really, isn't it? Mm-hm.
What football team do you support? Chelsea.
Oi, oi, oi, where are you sloping off to? The kids have drunk all the spirits; the offie.
You shouldn't have to go, it's your party.
Oh, cheers, mate.
I'll come with you.
What? Are you coming, then? - Where are Pete and Adam going? - Eh? - Dunno.
Pub? - Well, they might have asked me.
Well, maybe they think you've had enough.
I could do with some more, Dutch courage.
I'm going to suggest to Karen that I don't move out, that we get back together, become a family again.
- Karen? You're not leaving any time soon.
- No.
I need to talk to you.
Just going for a drink with the boys.
Ah.
Shit.
- Can you see the matches? - What do you need matches for? When we go to the supermarket, it's the one thing I forget to put on my list.
- Drives me mad.
- I'm missing my birthday party.
- Oh, matches.
Which ones should it be? - Oh, for God's sakes.
Take a couple of boxes.
Come on.
Open the till! Open it! Don't move! What the fuck! Shit! Move! Holy shit! That was scary.
Oh, my God.
Whoa! Open the back.
No.
You two on the floor.
Now! Open the door or I'll shoot 'em.
The police will be here in a minute.
Don't move.
Excuse me for not calling in advance, but I was hoping to surprise you.
Well, mission accomplished.
Again.
Eddie! - Would you like something to drink? - Yes, thank you.
- A glass of red, please.
- Well, it's over by the sink.
- Did you know he was coming? - No! No idea what he's doing here.
Let's everyone calm down and we can sort this before the police I am calm! I'm totally calm.
OK.
Here's what we'll do.
You raise the shutter.
You slip out the back and we'll pretend this never happened.
He's got my money.
He's also got a gun.
But I follow a faithless religion OK, you give him his money back.
He pays for the biscuits as well.
- I'll pay for the biscuits.
- I need this money.
For God's sake, right, you keep the money.
We'll give you what was in the till.
You piss off, end of story.
- And for the biscuits? - And for the biscuits! So do we have a deal? Thank you.
No.
- What? - You can't buy off terrorists.
He'll do it again, some other shopkeeper.
All right.
Here's the boys in blue.
Calm.
Calm.
Oh, sorry.
No, no, Jen, don't go in there.
Juan's in there.
Oh, that lock's knackered.
Hey, was he hung like a toreador? I wouldn't know.
He had his body pressed against Ramona's at the time.
Really? Oh, lucky old Ramona.
Giving her Juan! - Eh? - A hole in Juan! Guantanamera.
Hey! Come on! Let's dance! I want a plane to fly me to Lloret de Mar.
- We are so dead.
- All right, a train to Brighton then.
But first class, and I'm not to be charged with nothing.
And if you storm the place, I start shooting.
Juan seems very nice.
Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose so.
Does Ramona know he's cheating on her? What makes you think that? Bathroom door doesn't lock properly, Josh.
Oh, my God.
It's no great surprise, darling.
Well, how long have you known? Since you were about six.
That's longer than I've known.
Yeah, well, I couldn't be sure, but By the time you were a teenager, I pretty much was.
Your attempt at dating girls wasn't very convincing, Josh.
- I did try.
- I know you did, darling.
Ellie found a couple of old copies of Playboy in your room.
Do you mind? That you never tidied your room? - I'm just sorry you couldn't tell me, darling.
- I had to admit it to myself first.
Well, you've done that now, haven't you? I love him, Mum.
Does Dad know? No.
Could you tell him? Please.
I bet it's Bob.
He's always in my stuff, the bastard.
He doesn't just nick my bird, he steals my gear as well.
- I don't want to die.
- We're not going to.
Unless someone does something stupid.
It was only under the mattress.
A couple of weeks ago.
I wanted to I thought about it.
I was this close.
That far from the edge.
I nearly jumped, Adam.
Jesus, Pete, why didn't you tell me? - What would you have done? - I'd have tried to talk you out of it.
- I suppose that's why I didn't tell you.
- Shut up! Pete, please.
If you ever think you're going to feel like that again, even if I can't help, you owe it to your family, to me, to at least let me try.
You've got so much to live for.
I know that now.
It's just I don't want to die in a mini-mart.
What are you two talking about? - Where's Adam? - Oh, I'm not sure.
- Why? Need him for something? - No.
I just haven't seen him for a while.
But you were looking.
You know, he's really fond of you.
I am of him.
No, no, no, I mean he's really fond.
But he can't be relied on, though, can he? I mean, Angela.
Well, he's quite passionate.
That's true.
But some people would say that was a good thing.
Hm? Sean, use the phone, lad, and keep talking to us.
Shit, get down, get down! - Give me the phone.
- Piss off! They are going to kill you.
Now, give me the phone.
Listen Look No.
No, no, no.
There's to be no shooting.
- Another one? - I'm not the gunman.
- No, I'm one of the hostages.
- We thought you were another one.
Is that because of my accent? God, that's racist.
Listen, we can resolve this peacefully, as long as everyone calms down.
Just give me a moment.
I have a 15-year-old son waiting for me.
He's a beautiful boy.
He looks like his mother.
She died when he was a baby.
I'm all he has.
Don't make him an orphan.
Now, give me the gun.
Stand back or I'll shoot! Give yourself up now, and we'll put in a good word for you.
We'll say you treated us well, gave us water.
You made us feel comfortable.
I'll shoot you in the leg.
If you hear a shot, take him out.
Now, please, for my son, Matthew, give me the gun.
Go on.
I have the gun.
- It's a replica.
- Ugh! Oh, for fuck's sake.
Armed police! Get down! Drop the gun! - This might be the moment.
- What? Well, Eddie rang this week, wanting to know where Mum would be tonight.
- Why? - I'm sworn to secrecy.
- Well, come on.
- He's going to ask her to marry him.
- What? - He's got a ring and everything.
- But she ditched him.
- Dumb move, I thought.
You have to hand it to her.
She knows how to play men.
All being well, I'm going to be stepdaughter to a billionaire.
He's not worth half that.
Besides, she'll say no.
- Won't she? - I wouldn't.
I'm here at the scene.
The siege appears to be over.
The police are making no comment at this time.
It's over.
We can go.
I love you, mate.
I love my son.
I love my friends.
And I want Tina.
Well, stop farting about and go and get her.
- Hi.
- Where the hell have you two been? - You're not going to believe what just happened.
- We've been in a siege.
Held up at gunpoint.
Adam talked the gunman round into giving himself up.
It's true.
So, it's a coincidence it's about 20 past 11, pub chucking out time? - Yes! - Why did you leave the party in the first place? To buy the booze! Oh, bollocks.
You'd already paid for it.
- Pathetic.
- What? Jen, it's true.
Ohh! Ohh! High five.
Oi, oi, you, over.
Oi, oi, shove over.
- Two episodes tonight, that's all.
- No! - You've got school.
- But you'll watch another when I go to bed.
We might have some other things to do when you go to bed.
Never mention that when I'm around.
Excuse me.
The man has an iron bladder.
I thought he'd never leave us alone.
Got the impression he felt the same about you.
I've been holding it in.
- Karen - David, what would you think if Josh were gay? - Why do you ask that? - Josh is gay.
Is he? He was worried it might bother you.
Oh, come on, Karen.
I went to boarding school.
You know.
We all had our moments.
It's a bit more than a moment, David.
Of course, you know, ultimately, I want him to be happy.
He is happy.
So, you're saying that Ramona is Juan's beard, is she? Beard? It's a word I learnt in prison.
Karen, I want to talk to you about the future.
Yeah, I was going to say - if you would like to stay at mine - But, Karen.
Until you find something permanent, you can.
- The girls love having you.
- Let's get married! - What? - When my divorce is through.
I love you, Karen.
I love us.
We could all live together again.
Like when we were happy.
And I really need to pee.
Has David always been so clingy? Eddie, why are you here? I've realised I want to be with you.
I'd base myself here, travel only when business demands, which wouldn't be often.
You don't believe I'm serious.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That's crazy.
Let me think.
Put it away, put it away.
Ah, that's better.
Did I miss anything? So, what's up with you and Ellie? Ugh.
She wants to get back together.
Oh.
Does Olivia know? Oh, I see.
Spoilt for choice, eh? Well, I'm not going to tell you what to do.
- Oh, I wish you would.
- Yeah? Don't be swayed by how much they might seem to want you.
What matters is how much you want them.
- Act on that.
- It's good advice.
You should take it.
Mum! Have you seen this? A friend just posted it! It's Dad.
Oh, my God.
See? I thought you were lying.
You're a hero, Dad.
It was Adam.
All I did was keep out of the way.
- I'm glad you did.
- Ohh! - I'm gonna show that to Adam.
- Pete, you could have died.
It was the thought of you that kept me going.
And my son and daughter.
I bloody love you.
I'll tell you one thing about a near-death experience.
It makes you appreciate life.
No.
It makes you horny.
- Have you been at David's pills, by chance? - No.
That's all me.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hi, Dad.
Has Mum spoke to you yet? She has, yes.
- Joshie - David.
- Might I have a quick word? - Eddie.
- Have you met my son, Josh? - No.
Hi.
And this is his Er This is Juan.
- His boyfriend.
- Oh.
Hello.
Thank you.
As father of Karen's children, I suppose you have a right to know.
I've asked her to marry me.
- Really? - Mm.
And has she accepted your proposal? She hasn't given me her answer yet, no.
No, well, I expect she'll want to deal with them in the order in which they were received.
Can I have a word, please? Oh, hello.
I thought you'd gone Left your own party.
Yeah, I got held up somewhere.
Um I could do with some air.
Do you mind? Yeah, all right.
Excuse me, boys.
Sorry.
Oh, my God, Ramona.
I've just been proposed to.
- What, by David? - And Eddie.
- Eddie? - Yeah, within five minutes of each other.
- Karen, you lied to me.
- What? Your last email, you told me your life was boring.
- Well, maybe we should write more often.
- Oh, Karen.
- I was planning on asking her to marry me.
- What's that got to do with it? You wouldn't have proposed otherwise! Withdraw your offer.
- What? Why? - Because it's insincere, David.
It's like when two firms are discussing a merger and a third party launches a takeover bid just to scupper the deal! - You see everything in terms of business.
- Your proposal was fraudulent! - You see Karen as an asset.
- You know all about fraud.
Are they wrestling or playing Twister? David! Bite him, David! Bite him! Bite his balls, come on! Stop it! For goodness' sake.
Have either of you stopped for a moment to consider what I actually want? I've finally got a life I actually like.
I intend to keep it.
I don't want to marry either of you.
You've turned it on.
No, not me! - The tap.
- Come on, get up.
Higher.
There, that's it.
Ohh.
Erm, I'm the queue.
Er, Matthew and me, we've loved living here.
I've loved having you.
I was thinking We don't need to leave.
I could rent out my new house and stay here and be just across the hall from you.
I mean, I don't know what Jamie would think about it.
How's he settling in? Yeah, fine.
Mm-hm.
He eats white bread.
He listens to The Archers.
He squeezes the toothpaste out of the middle of the tube.
- Oh, teething troubles, eh? - Oh, it's not his fault, Adam.
- I never asked him to move in.
- You haven't asked him to move out.
I'm responsible for the breakdown of his marriage.
I owe it to him to give it a go.
But are you, though, giving it another go? Or are you just waiting for it to fail? Because it will.
Not because it's him, although it's reason enough, but because you don't want to find anyone that might compare to Liam.
It's because I know I can't.
Rachel was the love of my life.
Like Liam's yours.
It doesn't mean they have to be the last.
Wait a minute.
- Is that Jamie's? - Yeah.
He brought it to the party.
What a wanker.
Oh, Tina I'm from Ballymena Hey, two dreamers It's fair to say we've lost our way But if you take a chance to start a true romance I'll even teach you how to Irish dance Oh, Tina I wanna kiss you morning, night And day That was truly awful.
Quite the troubadour, aren't you? You do know that's your guitar.
Let's go inside.
- Think about what I said.
- I think you've said enough, all right? Yeah, he's right, Adam.
You've said enough.
It might be better if I move out of the house.
- Find somewhere of my own.
- You don't have to do that on my account.
No.
But on mine.
Hi, Dad.
- Are you all right? - No, I'm fine, son.
Hello, Olivia.
Don't mind me.
Adam? - We're going to shoot off.
- Ah.
Mm! Did you have a nice time? Very nice.
Adam, I was wondering Might you need a lodger in your new home? Erm Well, I thought we might be staying on here, but now I'm not sure what we're doing.
Er Matt, would you be all right with that? You know, see how it goes? Sure.
Excellent.
You, me and Matt.
Three amigos.
- Oi.
- Oh, David! I'm so excited.
David, David, David.
Karen, she offered me a job.
- I am going to be her new PA.
- Mm-hm.
Isn't fluent English a prerequisite? - A pre-what? - It's on a trial basis.
- Hiya.
- Oh, hello.
The party's breaking up.
Yeah, I should go down.
Erm Er Actually, all my friends are here.
It's all my friends that are leaving.
Jamie, too.
You stay living across the hall, yeah? And we'll see how it goes.
One day at a time.
Best 50th ever.