Hogan's Heroes (1965) s06e08 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) * * Hello, Jolly Roger calling Papa Bear, do you read me? Package is in sight, stand by.
All right, Jolly Roger.
We're ready.
Stand by.
Now! Now! ( explosions ) Bull's-eye.
Let's pack up and get out of here.
We earned our money for tonight.
Yeah, just not tonight.
This is the second big job this week.
We've been busy as beavers.
We ought to get something extra for this job.
Yeah, wait till Christmas.
I'll get you a nice set of Kraut trains to blow up.
Let's go.
The small arms factory at Heinsdorf, the bridge at Shorsteinhorf, dynamite planted at a munitions dump.
Hello? Hello, Major Hochstetter here.
Ja.
Continue the patrols.
Question the local people.
( over speaker ): Ja, and Berger? Request reinforcements from Dusseldorf.
Sign my name.
Good.
Now, Klink, last night, not too far from here, a convoy was blown up, almost totally destroyed.
These lines are drawn from the points where the sabotage has taken place.
Now, Klink, where do these lines cross? Stalag 13.
How do you explain this, Klink? Well, we are centrally located.
So is the Russian Front, I promise you.
( phone ringing ) Hello? Sergeant Schultz, speaking.
Uh-huh.
Oh, uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
It's for you, Major.
The radio detection truck has arrived in Hammelburg.
Hello, Major Hochstetter here.
Ja, good.
Begin patrolling at once.
Dusseldorf to Hammelburg.
Ja.
Good.
Carry on.
Is there anything here that interests you, Sergeant? The lines make a wheel.
You draw very nicely, Major.
Danke.
He is not adding anything to this meeting.
Except weight.
Major Hochstetter, are you suggesting that Stalag 13 has any relationship to this sabotage, huh? At last, a little daylight filters through.
Shall I raise the blinds? If there is a relationship, Klink, we intend to find it.
I must say the Gestapo is certainly throwing itself into this.
Ja, and if we find anything, the Gestapo will throw itself at you.
They will take drastic action.
Guten Tag.
He forgot to say "Heil Hitler.
" Hochstetter really means business.
We're gonna have to lay low for a while, and I mean really low.
No sabotage activity and keep radio to a minimum.
What about the train job? Yeah, you told the underground we'd do it next week, sir.
Colonel, that munitions train is on a regular schedule.
Dusseldorf, Berlin, the Eastern Front.
Yeah, and that could change anytime.
Yeah, there's nothing we can do about it.
That's just the kind of activity the Krauts will be on the alert for.
Oh, we can handle it.
I got my chargers all set, sir.
Forget it.
My first responsibility is the protection of this unit.
The colonel's right.
In a way, we are his family.
Oh, I'm in a lot of trouble.
KLINK: Captain James Martin, U.
S.
Army Air Force.
Colonel Robert Hogan, Senior P.
O.
W.
Officer.
Colonel.
At ease, Captain.
We try to maintain an informal atmosphere here at the enchanted castle.
Thank you, sir.
It seems to go with the beautiful surroundings.
A very nice guy.
Shut up.
Captain Martin has been assigned to these barracks, ordered by the Commandant.
You thought you'd never live in a zoo.
Hogan! Now, Captain, there has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.
And there never will be.
A word to the wise.
I hope you all live happily ever after.
They sure know how to make a fella feel right at home, don't they? This is Carter.
Hi.
Baker.
How are you? And LeBeau.
Sorry, Captain.
A pleasure.
I'll try to make you comfortable, Captain.
The bar stays open until midnight, and we usually have clam chowder on Fridays.
What outfit were you with? Had to bail out over Dusseldorf, both inboard engines hit.
The Krauts are shooting better.
What happened to the rest of your crew? Couldn't find them.
Some farmer grabbed me and here I am.
The Happy Hawks.
That's the 19th.
We're the Crazy Kangaroos.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah.
Did you see a rainbow? Yes, and the color green was missing.
Green is the word this week, Colonel.
You understand we have to do this? Yes, sir, I understand.
We were briefed on what to do in case of capture.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, you can room in with me.
LeBeau, take him to my cell and show him around.
Oui, Colonel.
Right this way, Captain.
What do you think, Colonel? I'm not sure.
Looks okay to me.
How much do we tell him, sir? Nothing yet.
He learns nothing of our operation.
Radio London, have them give us a rundown on him.
Right, sir.
Give him a routine check, turn him upside down, shake him a little.
And don't ask him any of those corny questions about Ty Cobb's batting average.
That's the first thing they learn at spy school.
The war's okay, but I sure would like to get back home.
Yeah, so would I.
Yeah, I sure would like to be home on Saturday night, walk down Main Street, see all the people.
Go in the drugstore and put my old quarter down on the old counter and get a bottle of pop.
Pop's a dime.
Yeah, I-I-I seem to have forgotten.
There's so much I seem to have forgotten since I left Grand Rapids.
Grand Rapids, is that where you lived? Yeah.
Yeah, it's the prettiest little town in Illinois.
Grand Rapids is in Michigan, and it's not what you'd call a little town.
I guess I've been away longer than I remember.
Got any more questions? Well, I had some written-- forget it.
I-I don't really live in Grand Rapids.
(chuckling) Captain Yeah? What do you think of Ty Cobb? You want to know his batting average? Hi.
( speaking German ) What? I asked you for a match in German.
Oh, it's all right.
I don't smoke.
His clothes are okay, sir, nothing hidden.
No phony labels.
I spoke German to him, Colonel.
He didn't understand.
He knows that Grand Rapids is in Michigan and that it's a pretty good sized town.
Yeah, and London checked him out.
There is a Captain Martin in the 395th Bomb Squadron.
Description fits, sir.
Yes, sir.
Martin's plane didn't return from the mission.
Well, you all feel he can be trusted? Well, there's nothing wrong with him.
Absolutely.
Well, if that's the vote, let's tell him the truth.
That's our dark room in there.
We have a chemistry lab, a printing press, pretty good forging equipment.
That, of course, is our radio room.
You guys could win the war alone.
We almost have a couple of times.
Klink and the guards have never tumbled to any of this? You heard him say there's never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.
We don't allow escapes.
And that keeps him happy.
Oh, he takes it all very big.
Commandant of the toughest P.
O.
W.
camp in all of Germany? Yep, he expects his General stripes any minute.
Klink must be an idiot.
Oh, he has his good points if you look for them.
Of course, that could take a lifetime.
BAKER: Colonel.
Yeah? There's a message from the underground, sir.
The munitions train? Yeah, uh, Carl's asking for a meeting.
Set it up for tomorrow night.
Have Carter and LeBeau bring him in through the emergency tunnel.
Will do.
Yeah, the Krauts have been running a munitions train, Berlin to Dusseldorf and points East at a regular time.
The underground wants to blow it up before they change the schedule.
Did you say emergency tunnel? Yeah, that's part of our system.
We have an emergency tunnel, a tunnel out of camp, a tunnel to the cooler and a tunnel to Klink's quarters.
That's fantastic.
Someday we'll steal a train, we've got ourselves a subway.
The ideal spot would be here.
There is a hill and the train picks up speed and is going too fast to stop even if they should see something on the tracks.
I think we ought to use contact fuses for this job, Colonel.
As I said, we're going to lay low for a while.
There's a Gestapo agent under every rock in this part of Germany.
They've even got men patrolling this little country club of ours.
Colonel, we might not get another chance.
Yeah, especially if they change the train schedule, sir.
Carl, what's the distance between here and the blowup point? Can't be any more than ten miles.
Nearest road? About a half mile.
The train passes here at approximately 2200 hours.
A minute or two, either way.
What's the plan, Colonel? Well, if we plant contact fuses as you suggested, we could put the explosives in there an hour or two in advance.
We could be back here when the fireworks start.
Right, minimum danger from patrols.
All right, Carter.
You, LeBeau and Newkirk take care of the charges.
Baker, you stay with the car.
I'll handle the guard duty.
Colonel, we'd be very happy to No, no, no, please.
You and your people have to stay out of this in case you're being watched.
Everybody clear? Right.
Right, sir.
Okay, we move on Wednesday.
Colonel, could you use another man for cover? I mean, just in case? You can ride shotgun with me if you like.
Well, thanks.
Don't thank me, it's your life.
Spend it any way you like.
Ow! You stepped on my foot.
I'm sorry, Captain.
You tub of lard.
Arrest that man! Bring him to my office.
You dare lay a hand on a soldier of Third Reich? He stepped on my foot.
I lost control.
Now you're an officer and you're not supposed to lose control.
I am an officer and I never lose control.
It is against the rules of this camp and the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention, for any prisoner to attack a German soldier.
I didn't attack, sir.
What are you doing? Standing at attention, sir.
You are? Yes.
I wonder if I might stand at ease? Yes.
Stand at ease.
Colonel, I realize that what I did was a serious breach of discipline.
I hope the fact that I have just arrived here will influence your judgment.
Yes.
( clears throat ) Now, uh, here is my judgment.
It is a serious breach of discipline, as you say.
But at least you're not defending your action.
Far from it, Colonel.
Now, under ordinary circumstances, your offense would warrant at least one week in the cooler.
Yes, sir, I realize that.
But because of your attitude, I shall let you off with just a warning this time.
Thank you, sir.
KLINK: However, in the future.
if there is a repetition, the punishment will be doubled.
I understand, sir, and I appreciate that.
Dismissed.
Boy, he really buttered Klink up.
The only way to handle him in a case like that.
That captain's a smart guy.
Yeah.
Smart enough to beat the rap.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Almost too smart for a new man.
Yes, Major Hochstetter.
He obviously created a situation so he could talk to me alone.
So he wrote me this note.
"I am Captain Siphord.
"Gestapo on special assignment, "writing so prisoners in outer office cannot hear.
Call Major H.
" That's you, Major Hochstetter.
What? You're welcome, sir.
"Tell him he must be here Wednesday, urgent.
Signed, Siphord.
" What is this all about, Major? None of my business? You plant one of your spies in my camp, and it's none of my business? Oh, well, I just thought I'd ask.
We need something from Klink's office.
Well, tomorrow is cleaning day.
Make it today.
Get me a list of recent transfers out of camp.
Can you get it? Oui, Colonel.
I know where it's kept.
But why? Just curious, that's all.
But, uh, get it for sure, huh? Oui, for sure.
Colonel? What happens if they have a roll call while we're on the mission? We'll start a fire in Barracks Three as a diversion.
That'll give us cover until we get back.
That's a good idea.
Is there anything I can do in the meantime? Oh, just go back to the barracks and rest awhile.
Right.
Okay, fellas.
I got news for you.
Our friend Captain Martin is a phony.
Oh, you're kidding? Worse than a phony, he's probably a Kraut.
But London checked him out, sir.
We did as well.
Not enough.
I had a feeling about this guy from the very beginning.
What'd he do, Colonel? Nothing yet, except the greatest acting job in the war.
He's an agent.
Either a German or one of our boys gone bad.
( whistles ) Wow.
You know that list of transfers out of camp you got for me? Yeah? There was a sergeant from the 395th Bomb Squadron.
That's Martin's outfit.
Right.
Transfer the sergeant so he can't blow the whistle.
And another thing-- would Klink let him off without punishment for pushing Schultz? Not a chance.
Yeah.
And another little detail What, there's more? I walked past one of Hochstetter's watch dogs.
He stared at me.
The Gestapo never salute an enemy officer.
Then Martin walked by.
He came to attention, saluting one of his own by habit.
He knows about the train job, sir.
And everything else.
Do we scrub it? Nope, but our friend Herr Captain, won't be riding shotgun with us.
You're crazy, Colonel.
Sure.
CARTER: All done here, sir.
I wouldn't try to get loose if I were you.
All right, Carter.
See, the more you struggle, the tighter they get.
You see, I-I took a course in ropes and knots.
Carter Where's Captain Martin? The real Captain Martin? Colonel, I told you, I am Captain Martin.
They're going to ask you the same question when you get to England.
Martin must be dead or captured, Colonel.
And you took his place.
I don't know what you're talking about.
All right, they'll find out in London.
And if he's been captured, he'd better be alive, for your sake.
Keep him on ice, huh? Let's go.
LeBeau, we'll take him out with us when we do the train job.
Oui, Colonel.
Tell Baker to notify the underground.
They'll have to hide him until he can be moved to London.
Right.
And, uh we need part of his uniform scorched, as though he's been caught in a fire, an explosion.
I'll take care of it, Colonel.
Good.
( engine rumbling ) (crickets chirping) * * Yes, Major, I shall send for him at once.
Klink, on what excuse? If the other prisoners get suspicious of my Captain Martin, I could lose him this quickly.
But he may not know that you are here.
I am sure he has been watching.
He will get away when he can.
All I can do is wait.
Major Hochstetter, the next time you plant an undercover agent in Stalag 13, I wish you would let me know.
Ja, next time.
After all, I'm only the commandant here.
This you can say again.
I could be very upset about this if we both weren't working for the same cause.
Same cause? I am trying to win the war.
What are you doing? Here he comes.
Okay.
Oh, hi, Schultz.
You wanted to see me, Colonel? No.
Oh, I think Captain Martin wanted to see you.
I think he wants to apologize for pushing you, you know? Aw, that's very nice.
Colonel Hogan, Captain Martin isn't here.
That's funny; he was in there a little while ago.
Nobody's allowed to leave the barracks at night, and he should know that! You seen him? No.
Have you seen him? No.
Have you seen him? No.
Have you seen him? No.
Have you seen him? No.
Please! I am the one who found out that he was missing.
Missing? Jawohl, Major.
I went to the barracks to make a spot check to be sure that the prisoners are on their toes.
He was gone.
Search the camp at once.
Schultz has already done that, sir.
He is nowhere to be found.
Impossible.
He seemed so happy here.
I don't understand.
Why would Captain Si? Why would Captain Martin escape? How could he do this to me? I knew he was unreliable the moment he pushed me.
( train whistle blowing ) What? When did this happen? Ja.
Ja, I will be there as soon as possible.
A munitions train sabotaged not ten miles from here.
My goodness.
It's terrible.
Completely destroyed? Completely.
And a hundred yards of important track torn up.
And possibly my career destroyed, too.
What a shame.
( yells ) He forgot to say "Heil Hitler" again.
Imagine, Hochstetter ruined and a whole train blown up.
Well, Commandant, try to look at the bright side.
I mean at least it hasn't been a wasted evening.
Found it on the track.
Then he was there.
Ja.
Captain Siphord must have discovered the sabotage plan and left the camp to try to arrest the criminals.
And he was caught in the explosion.
Ja, a hero but too eager.
Maybe he wanted credit for capturing those saboteurs on his own.
An interesting idea.
I will mention that to Berlin.
Oh, Klink, we are in the same boat now.
I did not catch my saboteurs, and you have your first escape.
Ha! That does not bother me.
He was not officially a prisoner.
Then why is your monocle sweating? Major.
You wanted to see me, Commandant? Yes, Hogan.
Unfortunately, we've had our first escape from Stalag 13.
Oh let me offer my deepest sympathy.
Save it for yourself.
I'm holding you responsible, Hogan, and as punishment, all electricity will be turned off, and all rations will be cut in half.
Can't really blame you, sir.
It does spoil your perfect record.
Fortunately, officially, I do not consider this an escape.
Well, I will have to report it to the Red Cross.
That does not concern me.
And it'll get to Berlin, sir.
Maybe I was a little hasty about the electricity.
A little hasty about the rations, too.
All right, all electricity and rations to be restored.
Colonel, your secret's safe with me.
Hogan! If there ever is an escape, I hope it's you.
Colonel, I'd never spoil your record.
Dismissed.