Hot In Cleveland s06e08 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, yes.
Oh, you're probably wondering what all the balloons are for.
My daughter just got into Harvard medical school.
Hey, that's a good school.
It's a great school.
Probably gets her smarts from her mom.
Oh, well, I don't think I'm Harvard material, but I do have a lot of common sense.
He's waiting for a tip, Melanie.
Oh.
Yes, I knew that.
Oh, I'm just so excited.
Jenna's gonna be here any minute.
I'm gonna hide these in the guest room.
Well, now that Jenna's going to med school, can she prescribe Xanax? I want some too.
I need it more.
I shot a nude scene for my HBO series yesterday.
Ugh, the lighting on that set was so harsh.
I mean, I don't want Lena Dunham nudity, where everyone calls you brave but you look terrible.
Well, why don't you put your mind at ease and go see the footage yourself? Visit the film editor? Those pale, toad-like people who sit hunched in the dark just watching footage all day? I've never lowered myself that way, but desperate times call for selfish measures.
You know who always looks great on camera? Me.
Right.
Elka had her picture in the paper today.
Oh.
Councilwoman Ostrovsky poses with councilman for a day, Lance Matthews.
Mm.
This kid sounds impressive.
- Boy scout, straight-A student.
- Nerd.
I thought he was coming to the house where is he? He's taking care of some important city business.
Your cocktail, Councilwoman.
I serve the people.
He serves me.
I took the opportunity to boil down the council meeting minutes to five concise bullet points.
I'm kind of a nerd.
Oh, don't call yourself names.
Ooh, Jenna is also improving my social life.
I joined this dating website, and they just matched me with a man whose son is also going to Harvard medical school.
I wonder what we'll talk about.
This won't get old.
She's here.
Ee! There's my beautiful genius! - Mom.
- Oh, honey, - I'm so proud of you! - Mom.
Harvard medical school.
I mean, - this has always been your dream.
- Mom.
I'm not going to Harvard.
What? Oh.
Well, can you excuse me for a minute? I'll be right back! So how was your flight? Honey, I don't understand.
You have always wanted to be a doctor.
You used to give your Barbies beauty marks and then scold them for not having 'em checked out for melanoma.
And I gave Ken a vasectomy 'cause they didn't feel like having kids at the dream house.
But I've changed.
Medical school just doesn't feel right anymore.
What does feel right? I don't know yet.
That's the exciting part.
But here's something that'll make you feel good, mom.
I couldn't have done this if I didn't know you would always support me no matter what.
Yeah, that does make me feel good.
Okay.
I'm gonna go unpack.
Hey, thank you for respecting my choices and not trying to change my mind.
Of course, honey.
I hate her choices, and we've got to change her mind! It's every parent's dilemma.
Do you let your kids make their own mistakes, or do you prevent them from making huge mistakes? And this would be a huge mistake.
I know her.
Deep down, she wants to be a doctor.
I think she's just freaking out a little bit.
- So say something to her.
- I can't.
If I say something to her, we'll have a fight, and Jenna and I have never had a fight, and I love that about us.
My mother and I do nothing but fight, and I love that about us.
How about I talk to her? Really? That would be perfect, 'cause she has always looked up to you.
And you would be a great friend if you used that against her.
Consider it done.
You know, sometimes it's easier hearing things from someone who's not your mom.
Yeah, moms are pretty much the worst people to say anything to anybody.
At least that's what my kids tell me, and we have a great relationship.
Knock, knock.
Wow.
Victoria Chase.
I know.
I'm afraid you're not supposed to be in here.
Well, I won't tell if you won't.
No, I always make it a point to meet the entire crew of every production I'm in.
Me too.
Who have you met? Uh I only know their nicknames.
Ponytail guy.
Fanny pack.
Food lady.
Hey, now that we've run into each other, would it be possible for me to see some footage? Maybe something with you in it? - Why don't we take a look at my love scene? - Sure.
Oh, thanks.
Cutty.
Snippy? Barney.
Is that really better? It is so good sitting here with you.
Three good friends talking and listening.
Especially listening to Joy.
You know, that's great because I was worried you were gonna try and convince me to go to medical school.
Oh, not at all.
No.
I would never be all like, you know, "what the hell are you thinking?" You know, and "you're making the biggest mistake of your life.
" Which reminds me, I have made huge miss in my life when I have not listened to Joy.
Now, you guys have a nice visit.
See you later, you guys! Is she the crazy one? We don't judge.
Because even crazy people vote? Yes.
And when the weather's bad, sometimes only crazy people vote.
Wasn't it raining the day you were elected? Cats and dogs.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Every everything is so harsh and realistic.
The director likes things plain and raw.
Well, that's fine for a vegetable plate, but this is my love scene.
Can't you do something? Well, I actually have this filter that makes people look younger.
I call it the Benjamin Button button.
Oh, my God.
I'm beautiful.
You are.
Oh, I have to say that you really brought out my Inner soul? I was gonna say outer beauty, but same thing.
Well, if there's ever anything I can do for you Actually I know it's last-minute, but it's my sister's wedding tonight, and I don't have a date.
Well, I'm sure that won't be a problem for a young man like you.
Ha ha.
No, I meant, uh, what if you came as my date? If I showed up with you, it would be the talk of the wedding.
I do like to upstage a bride, but I really think it's best if we're just friends.
Then come as a friend.
No, I meant the kind of friends who never see each other outside of work.
Like Fanny pack or food lady.
- Bye, button guy.
- Barney.
I think that's what I said.
And finally, we've got some birthday cards.
This is for Marilyn, the mayor's secretary.
Idiot.
This is for Larry, utilities.
Moron.
Gary owns the hot dog truck.
God's work.
Oh, and remember, councilwoman, we have that 8:00 with the head of the Sanitation Department.
Damn, I've got to fire that guy.
Ooh, sounds tough.
How do you do it? You tell them they look tired.
Everybody's tired.
I'm not tired.
You're 12.
Give it another year.
Shh, they're getting to the important part.
It's just that you were so passionate about medical school.
I know, but now I'm not so sure.
Do you think you might be a little scared? I was scared when I first went to work as a detective.
- Really? - Yes, but once I committed, it felt right.
Oh, it's so ting catching identity thieves, dressing up sexy to honey trap cheating husbands.
Really, I help people.
Much like a doctor helps people, except less so.
Yeah, I get what you're saying, and I know mom really wants me to go to med school, and she's never steered me wrong.
Except maybe this time.
Your job sounds so sexy and cool.
Maybe I should be a detective.
I'm back.
I forgot I had to talk to Joy about something very important.
Joy, a word.
Joy! What have you done? Now she wants to become a detective? Okay, clearly we've hit a small glitch.
I've forgotten how cool I am to the young.
Oh, my God.
My stupid date is tonight.
I'm just gonna have to cancel until we can figure this out.
No, don't cancel.
I'll fix this.
You better.
I I really have to get ready.
I kind of exaggerated on my profile a little bit, so I only have two hours to grow 6 inches and learn salsa dancing.
Joy, wait till you see this gorgeous screen shot from my nude scene.
That editor transformed me from the realistic way I was shot to the way I actually look in my head.
Victoria, there's a kid here.
Why are you shielding him? I'm the one who doesn't want to see it.
Victoria, you look flawless.
I know.
Look.
A tiny blemish.
Look.
A huge blemish.
Well, maybe you'd like this better.
What is that? Like, a giant sea sponge? Let me just pull back here.
Oh, my God, that's my ass! You gave me cellulite! People will call it a very brave performance.
You bastard.
How could you? Not having a date to my sister's wed must've put me in an ugly mood.
So you're blackmailing me? All right.
So what if you did have a date? Well, I'd say that would smooth things over.
Aw! And what if that date was just for a fun coffee instead? Fine! Wedding it is.
So councilwoman, to what does the sanitation department owe this honor? Well, actually, Lance here is handling my meetings.
He's councilman for the day.
Oh, that's cute.
Well, young man, what can I do for you? Jerry, you look a little tired.
Well, sure, who isn't? Wait.
Are you firing me? Elka, whats this? He's the councilman, Jerry.
My hands are tied.
I promised myself I wouldn't spend the whole date talking about this, but our kids are going to Harvard medical school.
How do you keep from bragging? Pretend that she decided not to go.
You know, I worried I pushed mine too hard, but then you think of the alternative.
Oh don't worry.
I think married men are sexy.
How would you like that to be your daughter? What the hell, Joy? You turned my baby into a honey trap? You were supposed to fix this.
I tried, but she's an adult, and you said you'd respect her decisions.
Now, there's a hidden camera on the patio.
All she has to do is get one quick kiss with this guy, - and done.
- I'm going in there.
No.
If you do, you'll cause a big scene, and your no-fight record will be ruined.
Oh, that's low.
You know I love that record.
You're right, Lance.
Why hasn't my wife worked since I married her? It's Jerry time now.
Go home and tell her the good news.
Kid, you played that perfectly.
Two Martinis please.
Elka.
Oh, and a coke for Junior.
You are cute.
So are you, although the borders around that mole on your neck are irregular.
You might want to have that looked at.
I like what I'm looking at right now.
How would you like to kiss a real woman? What are you doing here? Sure, she's young and beautiful, but wouldn't you prefer a vehicle with a little more mileage on it? - Kiss me.
- Okay.
What? No, he's supposed to kiss me.
Go away, strange woman I don't know.
- Kiss me.
- No, Kiss me.
No, kiss me.
You know what you can kiss? Half your money good-bye.
Sherri, honey, I can explain.
What's there to explain? You're cheating on me with these two whores! My daughter is not a whore.
This is where you're supposed to say, "my mom's not a whore either.
" She's not.
Mother and daughter? You degenerate! Honey, wait.
- It was their fault.
- Uh, Melanie? Oh, Justin.
This isn't what it looks like.
No, I was just trying get that man to kiss me before he kissed my daughter.
Yeah, it's okay if you go.
Melanie, I told you not to interfere.
Ah, but I had to.
Jenna, honey, this isn't you.
You want to help people.
You don't want to be seducing sleazy men for money like Joy.
That isn't my entire life.
Look, Jenna is a natural born honey trap who will be sitting here seducing sleazy men for years to come.
Right, Jenna? Actually, no.
This isn't me.
I was totally lame at it.
And then you came in and were just as lame as I was.
Well, I didn't actually get a chance to show my stuff.
But go on.
Mom, you were right about school.
I think I just got scared.
What if I'm the dumbest person there? Then you're the dumbest person at Harvard Medical School.
Wait a minute.
Honey, does this mean you changed your mind about going? Okay, don't go crazy but yes.
Oh! Yes! Oh, honey, thank you! Thank you.
I'm so proud of you! My daughter's going to Harvard Medical School! Now go wipe that whorish makeup off your face.
That's right.
I'm not Joy anymore.
Well, putting that aside, my plan worked.
What plan? I knew if I set her up in this awful situation, she would hate it and come to her senses.
Wait, so none of this was real? - All those people were actors.
- Aw, Joy.
Oh, thank you so much.
But why didn't you tell me? - I could've played along.
- Oh, you would've blown it.
You're terrible at pretending.
I'm not.
Sorry, I forgot my purse.
Oh, well, I was just upbraiding Joy, you know, for getting you caught up in all her shenanigans.
Joy! Yeah, you're right.
I would've blown it.
Thanks for coming, Victoria.
I'm sorry you didn't have more fun.
Well, as I said to more than one ex-husband, I did what you asked me to do, but I can't pretend I liked it.
But I really like you, Victoria.
I look at your face all day, and I never get tired of it.
So you resorted to blackmail? Because you wouldn't have gone out with me otherwise.
You would have said I'm not rich enough or famous enough, or I'm too young.
Haven't you ever used blackmail to get something you love? Well, of course that's how I raised three children.
But Barney, you are very young.
But Victoria, you look very young.
Well, you can't argue the facts.
I'm just asking you to think about it.
How bad would it be spending time with someone who's crazy about you? Well, you're certainly persistent.
All right, one date, and we'll see where it goes from there.
Thank you, councilwoman Ostrovsky.
I learned so much.
Lance Matthews for City Council? You want my job? I got a taste of power, and I liked it.
You're not old enough.
Actually, the council passed a bill changing that.
You sponsored it.
I slipped it in with some of the paperwork that you signed.
You taught me that trick.
I did.
I taught you everything you know, but not everything I know.
What does that mean? It means the mayor won't sign this bill.
Why not? Because he's my boyfriend.
That's not fair! You look tired, Lance.
Go home to your family.