It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s06e08 Episode Script
The Gang Gets a New Member
# Butt, butt, butt # # Open up the time capsule # - # Butt, butt, butt Time capsule, time capsule # - What are you doing? - # Butt, butt, butt # - That's great, Charlie.
I could watch him do that for hours.
- # Time capsule # - # Butt, butt # What is the time capsule butt, butt? We're about to open this time capsule that we buried 10 years ago.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- What'd you put in there? - Oh, man.
We just put a bunch of stuff in here that we thought would be valuable one day.
Like, uh, let's see - We got a Gregg Jefferies baseball card.
- Future All-Star.
Future All-Star.
- Uh, we got a Korn CD.
Uh, we got a copy of Cider House Rules on laser disc.
- Don't know why we thought that would be valuable.
- That's a collector's item.
- That's gonna be very- Be very careful with that.
- Oh, my God, you guys.
- This is a letter to my future self.
- What? Yeah.
"Dear Future Dee, how's Hollywood? Congrats on all of your success.
Stay grounded.
Enclosed is a check for one million dollars.
Be sure to give it to Dr.
Larry Meyers as a thank-you for all of his inspiration.
" That's stupid.
This is just stupid.
- Who's Dr.
Larry Meyers? - Nobody.
It doesn't matter.
He was my high school drama teacher.
This is just dumb.
Like, why would we put such stupid stuff in here? And also, we buried it and then we opened it 10 years later? What, are you supposed to just bury it, open it right up and not give yourself any time to fulfill any kind of dreams? The whole thing's dumb.
Like- Cider House Rules? Okay.
Hormones.
- Wow.
- She's all worked up.
- It's the failure.
- It's the failure.
It's sad.
It's sad.
- What else is in there? - Uh- Oh! Old pictures! - Pictures! Holy shit.
- Look at that! - Look! - "The gang.
" Whew.
Who's this jag-off? Look.
- Oh, that's Schmitty! - Schmitty! He was the fourth member of our crew.
- There was another member of the gang? - Oh, yeah, dude.
- I miss him.
Why did we ditch him in the first place? - I don't know.
Eh, he wasn't a good fit.
Remember? You know? Kind of got on our nerves.
- He didn't get on my nerves.
- No, he never got on my nerves.
I actually really loved that guy.
You know what? - I remember now.
Charlie soured on him.
- No.
And then he, like, gave us an ultimatum.
You remember? And then we all turned on the guy pretty quickly.
I mean, we all agreed he was out of the - You pushed him out of a moving car and yelled, "You're out of the gang!" Now, in hindsight that does seem a little rash.
Yeah, it was a bit of a snap decision.
Why don't you call this Schmitty guy up and see what he's up to now? You know, I do feel like we owe the guy an apology.
- Yeah.
You know what? I'd love to see Schmitty.
- I would too.
Yeah, but that's a bad snap decision, you know? - There's a reason he didn't work out.
- Let's go.
We got a good thing going on now without him.
We don't need a new member of the gang.
- Don't get Schmitty.
Don't get Schmitty.
- I like Schmitty.
He's nice.
- I'm really pumped to meet this guy.
- Ah, he was the coolest.
Seriously.
- Oh, hey.
Hey! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mrs.
Schmit.
Hey, it's, uh- it's Dennis.
Yeah, and Mac.
You remember us, right? We're looking for Schmitty.
He around? Ah, he's dead.
- Oh.
- What? Oh, gosh.
That is too bad.
- We're sorry for your loss.
- Yee-aaah! What's up, bitches? - Oh! - Is that Schmitty? - Yeah, it's Schmitty! - We thought you were dead.
- He made me say it.
- "He made me say it.
" Listen to you, Mom.
Thank you for playing along.
You're a sweetheart.
You see that shit? He jumped down a whole flight of stairs.
Yeah, I didn't see you down there, Chuckles.
How you been, little man? Not that little, you know? Regular size.
- Maybe he, but - - Not anymore.
- Put on a few LB's since I saw you last, huh? - Nope! - Same weight.
Same weight I always been.
- He put on a lot of weight.
- No, you tacked on weight.
- I tacked on mass.
Muscle mass.
Who's this old son of a bitch? - I'm Frank.
- Frank? - Frank.
- I'm Schmitty.
Nice to- Put her there.
- No! - Don't kiss him! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, uh, so what brings you dicks here, huh? Oh, well, Schmitty, um, honestly, we came around here because we, um - - Go ahead.
- Want to say we're sorry, Schmitty that- that we - - Can you take this, Mac? - Yeah, man, I got this.
We just want to say we're sorry for icing you out in the past, and we'd like your forgiveness.
- Yeah.
- Get on your knees and ask.
- Excuse me? - Get down on your knees and ask.
Show some humility, for Christ's sake.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Aw, man.
- Whatever it takes, Schmitty.
- Wow, you're really doing it.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding! - Oh! Oh, he's joking! Oh, man! Come on, guys! Have some dignity, some respect for yourselves.
- Do you forgive us? - Absolutely.
That's classy, Schmitty.
Very classy.
Dr.
Meyers? - Yes? - Hi.
Dee Reynolds.
I was in the school musical.
Frankenstein.
Yes, of course! Deandra Reynolds! - Yeah! - Sit, darling.
- Thank you.
- Sit.
Listen, I came to talk to you about high school.
I - Oh, uh - I was drinking a lot back then, so if I did anything inappropriate - Oh, no, no, no.
No, not at all.
In fact, the opposite.
You were, like, the most inspiring teacher I had.
In fact, I wrote you this check 10 years ago with the hopes that I could one day give it to you as a thank-you.
May you rot in hell, you wretched beast! Oh.
Um - I'm confused.
Uh - Frankenstein.
That's what the villagers screamed at you just before you threw yourself on the funeral pyre.
Oh, you were such a hideous delight in that show.
Thank you.
Yes, okay.
So what you're saying is, don't give up.
I shouldn't give up on my dream of being - No, my dear.
You must give up.
You must.
It's far too late for you.
But it's not too late to teach.
Come speak to the kids.
Inspire them.
It's an opportunity to share your unique experiences.
- Uh-huh.
- The question is: Will you seize it? Mmm.
No, thank you.
- Five, four, three - What? No, I just never wanted to be - - Two, one.
- Teaching doesn't - No offense.
What are you doing? - Okay, yes.
- And there you have it! A teacher is born.
There we are.
Man, this is unbelievable.
Working at a bar? Running a bar? This has got to be, like, the greatest job ever, right? - It is, man.
This is what we do.
- A lot of dicking around.
Hey, um, you're still, uh, living with your mom, huh? That sounds kind of lame.
Yeah, well, I mean, it's the M.
S.
that's really lame.
- You know? - Oh, your mom has - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
She's doing all right though.
I moved in with her to take care of her and stuff like that.
It's good to really get to know her before, you know, uh, she moves on.
Kind of a downer, that story though.
Kind of a downer.
What about you, man? What's your living situation like these days? - Oh, it's pretty sweet.
- I am.
I'm his living situation.
- He lives with me.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, we share a bed.
- Well, not every night.
That's hilarious.
Charlie and I used to be roomies.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
You remember that? - Oh, yeah.
- Hey, you remember how you used to try to get me to play all those lame games? You know, those weird things you would want to do at night? Like, uh, Night Crawlers? - We play Night Crawlers all the time.
- You do? - Well, Frank enjoys those games very much.
- Oh.
Oh.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but to make Night Crawlers a little bit better you should use blankets, right? - They could be the dirt! - Exactly.
You could use it as a force field or as a roaming base.
- It's a great idea.
- It's not a good idea though because it's an imagination-based game.
No, it's still imagination-based.
Oh! I had an idea! Dennis, remember you and Mac and you guys were laughing at me doing the butt dance? They love that when I do it.
Guys, watch me.
Watch me, will you? Oh, yeah! Five, six, seven, eight! # Butt, butt # - # Butt, butt # - Oh, Charlie, no.
# Give it to me G- # - Where is this coming fr- This is not - - This is embarrassing.
God, this is just humiliating.
Guys, get excited! We're doing the - # Butt, butt # Hey, Charlie, you're not having fun doing it, so we're not having fun watching it, buddy.
Watch.
It's like this.
It's more - I don't know.
Something like, uh - # Butt, butt, butt-butt-butt # - # Butt, butt, butt-butt-butt Butt, butt, butt-butt-butt # Butt butt! Woo, woo, woo, woo! Hyah! Butt dance 2.
0.
Butt dance 2.
0.
- I'll drink to that.
- You know what you got that Charlie doesn't quite have? You have that "it" factor.
You know what I'm saying? Charisma.
It's, like, you got it.
Hey, you guys! Can I talk to you in the back office for a second real quick? I can't believe this dude.
He has not changed in years, man! Look, you guys need to make a decision right now, okay? It is either him, or it is me! - Him.
- Yeah.
I was gonna say him too.
Yeah, him, him.
It's always been him.
I don't know why I didn't see that before.
I'm out of the gang? - Him.
- Him.
Hello, everybody.
Hi there.
My name is Dee Reynolds, and not only am I a professional actress and comedienne uh, but I also used to go to school here.
What have you acted in? A lot of- A lot.
I've acted in a lot of things.
Y- You may not have seen all of them or any of them.
It's not time for questions.
I'll let you know when it's time for questions though, okay? And the phone goes away.
And the phone goes into your pocket or into your backpack.
But not out in your fingers, because I'm talking.
- Nah, I'm a'ight.
- Yeah.
Said the turkey.
Uh-oh.
Oh, no.
Who's she? Who's she? She's somebody that'll zing you back.
Right? I'll zing you.
I'll zap you, I'll zing you.
So just know that about me.
You know, I know that, uh, you guys are 18 and you're seniors, and so - Okay, what is it that they're doing? What is this that they're doing? - Oh, they're doing their coughing thing.
- Yeah, I hear that.
All right, kids, settle down.
You can, uh, read, pull out your phones, whatever.
They do love their phones.
What? That's it? You're just gonna sit in the corner and hem away at your sock all day? No! Where - Where is the teacher that I knew? Where is that inspirational man? My enthusiasm in those days was fueled entirely by the alcohol.
Dee! Hey! - Come here.
Come here.
- Charlie, what are you- what are you doing? Got kicked out of the gang.
What are you up to? You wanna hang out? No, Charlie.
I don't want to hang out.
I-I have a job.
I'm a teacher now, so I got to get back to inspiring some students.
Oh, that's pretty sweet.
You want to toss some inspiration my way? 'Cause the guys think Schmitty's all that and, like, I'm no good.
- Okay, Charlie, how about this? - Uh-huh? - You are good at cleaning shit out of toilets - Right.
and taking trash and throwing it into Dumpsters.
So why don't you get a new job somewhere else doing those kinds of things and make friends there, okay? Okay, Dee, so are you saying get a job here as the janitor and then you and I can be best friends? That is absolutely not what I was saying.
- I'm gonna talk to the principal, see if I can get that job.
- Don't do that.
- We'll work on the friendship thing later.
- No, don't do that.
Charlie, don't do that.
Oh, goddamn it, don't do that.
This is my thing.
Here we go.
- All right! There's the man! - What's up, buddy? - This place is pretty nice.
- Yeah.
What's going on? Are you guys gonna try to bang me afterwards or something? - Very nice turn.
- Try not to laugh too much, 'cause it's gonna - - We only come here for special occasions.
- Yeah.
Good, good.
What's the occasion? Well, we brought you to this luncheon, Schmitty because we want to make this official.
- Mac, do you have the ring? - Yeah.
Okay, great.
Um - Schmitty, we, uh - we missed a lot of good, good years.
- A lot of special time.
- Yeah? - With- With you.
- Thanks.
And, uh - - You know what? I don't think I can do this.
- Okay.
I'll take over from here.
- I'll take over.
- Why's he being a big-time puss? - I know.
He's emotional.
- Schmitty we want you back, if you'll have us.
What the hell is this shit? It's a sterling silver clover ring.
When we put all four of them together, it makes a four-leaf clover solidifying our bond for all time.
You're kidding though, right? - No, we've never been more serious in our lives.
- Yeah.
Yeah, whatever.
I don't care.
Sure.
- Yes? Yes? That's a yes! - Yeah.
He said yes.
That's a yes.
- We bagged him.
- We certainly did.
Oh, food's here! Food is here.
Wait.
Hold on.
No, I didn't order yet.
Oh, that's okay.
I took care of the food already.
Yes.
Dennis orders for us.
That is a humongous shrimp.
Well, it's 'cause it's not a shrimp, Frank.
It's a prawn.
- And I don't like prawns, so I eat around them.
- Yeah.
I'll take your prawns if you want to take my salad.
- Eh.
- No? - Okay.
Yeah.
That's what I'll do.
- Hey, no, wait! Hold on! Why don't you just order what you want? Well, Dennis kind of has the best palate.
Yeah, I have the most refined palate, Schmitty.
That's how we do things now.
You've been away for a while.
It's fine.
No, no.
That's not what I'm gonna do.
Excuse me.
Hey, come here really quick.
Um, can I get, uh - You have linguine? Yeah, can I get linguine instead? - Uh And what do you guys want? Order whatever you want.
- Linguine's too heavy for lunch.
- No, no.
What do you want? - I want fries.
- Fries for this guy.
- No, no, no.
- I can have fries? - You don't like your salad all of a sudden, Mac? - I hate salad.
- You hate salad? Where is this coming from? - I didn't wanna say anything.
- I hate this restaurant.
- Yeah, this restaurant blows.
- I'll have a ginger ale.
- All right! Come on, man! Get into it! - I'm saying that now.
Can I say that now? - What? - Hyah! - Absolutely.
Take it.
That's yours.
By all means.
- All right.
- What'd you get, a ginger ale? I'm a little confused.
Are you telling me that this photo of Bruce Jenner is your résumé? Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal résumé on me so I was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr.
Jenner could - could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to this position.
I see.
And you're looking for a job as a substitute teacher? Substitute janitor.
Look I'll clean this building so good, you're not gonna know what to do with yourself.
You know what I mean? I'm not a proud man.
I'll do the jobs that the other guys don't want to do.
I'll degrade myself.
I'll make a genuine ass out of myself.
Yeah.
Hey, look, I'll swallow that eraser whole just to prove it to you.
Uh, no, no.
Please.
Please.
No.
- I'll swallow it whole.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
You don't have to do that.
But I have to say, I don't think I've ever encountered someone who's so passionate about joining our custodial staff.
The passion I have for the work that I do is extraordinary.
It probably goes beyond Jenner.
- Uh-huh.
- And I'm serious.
I'll eat that eraser whole.
Oh, no, no, it's not nec- You don't need to eat the eraser to prove your point.
- Sure.
- Uh, you have the job.
- Are you serious? - I love your attitude.
It's fantastic.
Sir, I am not gonna let you down.
I'm gonna start cleaning immediately.
- Immediately.
- Okay.
Uh, but first, can I eat the eraser? Are you- You're saying you want to eat the eraser? Well, I'm asking if it's edible, because it certainly smells of grapes.
- I don't think it's edible.
- Can't I just test it? I'd rather you didn't.
I kinda want- I might need it.
All right.
Well, you win this one.
I'll pick up one of my own and I'll eat that one.
That way everybody wins.
All right, well, welcome aboard.
All right.
All right.
Thanks so much.
Ridiculous.
It's ridiculous.
Where the hell is he? - I don't know.
- What time did we say? - We said 3:00.
- We said 3:00, and it's, like - - Ah.
- Hyah! - Well - - What's crappenin', fellas? - Uh, hey, Schmitty.
Running kinda late there, huh? - Am I? - I didn't think it mattered.
- How could it not matter? This is the final phase of your initiation back into the gang, so it kinda matters a lot.
- It actually does.
- Whoa.
Um, where is your ring? Oh, come on.
You didn't want me to really wear that thing, did ya? Yeah.
- Oh.
- We're sort of sticklers for that kind of thing too.
- So pop that on.
- I will.
Okay.
Sorry about that.
Time and ring.
Good.
Got it.
- Okay.
Oh! - Yeah.
Hey, look at this! Nice setup, fellas.
Candles? Where'd you steal these from, huh? We bought those.
Uh-oh! When the hell'd you take that? - Don't worry about it, Schmitty.
- We got to ya.
This is weird as hell.
You guys see that, right? What's weird about this? This is a men's ceremony, okay? - They have ceremonies for all sorts of men's clubs.
- Yeah.
You know, the Mafia, the Freemasons, the White House.
- The White House.
They do it.
- This is cool, okay? Trust me.
What we're doing is very cool.
- Okay.
- Mac, why don't we get started? You'll get it.
He'll understand as the ceremony progresses.
All right, Schmitty, please have a seat in the ceremonial seat.
- I'll do the candles.
- Frank, please do the candles.
Dennis, the song.
All right, the song.
Oh, look at that! - All right, take it- take it seriously.
- I am.
I'm locked in.
Okay, I will now begin the ceremony by administering a sweet roundhouse kick to the bell.
There's a bell? Step, step.
- Uh-oh.
Whiff! - I just missed that.
I just missed that.
- Dude, you're not even close.
- No, Schmitty, this is all part of the ceremony.
What is? Watch it.
Oh! No, no.
No.
- Oh, you gotta stretch before this thing, huh? - Enjoy it.
One last crack.
Come on.
- Hyah! - Oh, man.
This is pathetic.
Here, dude, look.
It goes something like this.
Hyah! I'm excited.
I am.
I mean, the first part of the ceremony was a little lame but ending it with a hot air balloon ride, that kicks ass.
Yeah, yeah, all those things.
Yup.
Frank, now! Push, Frank, push! Go, go, go! - I got him.
- Oh, come on.
Come on, Frank, push him out! Are you literally trying to push me out of a moving car again? - Yes.
- Goddamn it.
Pull over.
Why are you doing this? - I'll just pull over.
Great job, Frank.
- Frank, come on.
- Tub of lard over here.
- Take it easy, okay? - Give me back the ring! 'Cause you don't deserve it! - Take the ring.
- You're out of the gang, Schmitty! - You're out of the gang! Get out! - You're out! You're out! - Okay.
Got it.
I heard ya.
Nice seeing you guys again.
- Very nice meeting you.
- Get out of the car! I heard you.
I'm getting out.
Okay? - Now, Dennis.
Peel out.
- Yeah - I was gonna peel out, and then you - Don't take the steam out of it.
Tell people we pushed you! All right, class, feel free to text or watch movies, whatever it is you do.
- Not today, Doc.
- What are you doing, Dee? I am inspiring you.
Rise and shine, dickwad.
Okay, this is a great teacher but he is wasted on you.
Well, not anymore.
We're gonna be rehearsing a little musical today called Frankenstein.
- This is stupid.
- Get out.
You're stupid.
- What? - You heard me.
Get out of here, you stupid idiot.
- It's fine by me.
- Yeah, good.
And anybody else who doesn't want to be here today, you can get out now too.
- Hey, you want to go to the mall? - No, no, wait.
Stop! No, come on, you guys! That's - Not everybody.
Sit back down.
That's just something people say.
You guys are gonna love this.
Okay, let's get started.
"Have you seen Dr.
Frankenstein's creation that they all speak of?" "Nay, I've heard tales told of his hideousness.
A monster most foul.
" # My face composed of rotten flesh # # Roar, roar # # A hideous beast with deadly clutch # # Roar, roar # # Another's heart beats in my chest # # I'll never know a woman's touch # Roar! And then I retreat into the mist.
And, Dr.
Meyers, you are Dr.
Frankenstein, so get up here and get acting! With pleasure, Dee! Just let me set the loop and here I come! Oops! That's not - I am shattered to pieces! Are you acting right now? No, I'm not acting, you bitch! - I think I've broke my hip.
- Oh.
Why is this damn stage so slippery? - Hey, Charlie! - Hey, there he is! Charlie boy! This floor is slippery, man.
Whole school's slippery, 'cause I waxed it real good with this awesome power waxer that the school provided me.
I did this whole place in, like, two hours.
- Oh, nice.
- Whoa.
That's impressive.
Yeah.
Dee inspired me.
She said, "You're an awesome janitor, Charlie.
You can make this whole school slippery.
" I said, "Sure, I'll give it my best shot.
" Then she's, like, "Let's be best friends.
" And I was, like, "Sure, I'll give that my best shot too.
" So we're best friends now.
Yeah, that's- that's quite a conversation you had with her, isn't it? Mm-hmm.
What do you guys want? Oh, well, we, uh- we came to ya because we wanted to tell you that we're sorry for picking Schmitty over you and we feel like we made a big mistake and we want you back, buddy.
And, uh - We pushed him out of a moving car for you.
- I can't do it.
- Jesus, dude.
What is wrong with you? All right, I'll handle it.
Charlie, we have an announcement to make.
It's your lucky day.
We want you back.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Gotta say, that's pretty classy, guys but I wish you gave me one of these a long time ago 'cause I'm a janitor now.
I could watch him do that for hours.
- # Time capsule # - # Butt, butt # What is the time capsule butt, butt? We're about to open this time capsule that we buried 10 years ago.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- What'd you put in there? - Oh, man.
We just put a bunch of stuff in here that we thought would be valuable one day.
Like, uh, let's see - We got a Gregg Jefferies baseball card.
- Future All-Star.
Future All-Star.
- Uh, we got a Korn CD.
Uh, we got a copy of Cider House Rules on laser disc.
- Don't know why we thought that would be valuable.
- That's a collector's item.
- That's gonna be very- Be very careful with that.
- Oh, my God, you guys.
- This is a letter to my future self.
- What? Yeah.
"Dear Future Dee, how's Hollywood? Congrats on all of your success.
Stay grounded.
Enclosed is a check for one million dollars.
Be sure to give it to Dr.
Larry Meyers as a thank-you for all of his inspiration.
" That's stupid.
This is just stupid.
- Who's Dr.
Larry Meyers? - Nobody.
It doesn't matter.
He was my high school drama teacher.
This is just dumb.
Like, why would we put such stupid stuff in here? And also, we buried it and then we opened it 10 years later? What, are you supposed to just bury it, open it right up and not give yourself any time to fulfill any kind of dreams? The whole thing's dumb.
Like- Cider House Rules? Okay.
Hormones.
- Wow.
- She's all worked up.
- It's the failure.
- It's the failure.
It's sad.
It's sad.
- What else is in there? - Uh- Oh! Old pictures! - Pictures! Holy shit.
- Look at that! - Look! - "The gang.
" Whew.
Who's this jag-off? Look.
- Oh, that's Schmitty! - Schmitty! He was the fourth member of our crew.
- There was another member of the gang? - Oh, yeah, dude.
- I miss him.
Why did we ditch him in the first place? - I don't know.
Eh, he wasn't a good fit.
Remember? You know? Kind of got on our nerves.
- He didn't get on my nerves.
- No, he never got on my nerves.
I actually really loved that guy.
You know what? - I remember now.
Charlie soured on him.
- No.
And then he, like, gave us an ultimatum.
You remember? And then we all turned on the guy pretty quickly.
I mean, we all agreed he was out of the - You pushed him out of a moving car and yelled, "You're out of the gang!" Now, in hindsight that does seem a little rash.
Yeah, it was a bit of a snap decision.
Why don't you call this Schmitty guy up and see what he's up to now? You know, I do feel like we owe the guy an apology.
- Yeah.
You know what? I'd love to see Schmitty.
- I would too.
Yeah, but that's a bad snap decision, you know? - There's a reason he didn't work out.
- Let's go.
We got a good thing going on now without him.
We don't need a new member of the gang.
- Don't get Schmitty.
Don't get Schmitty.
- I like Schmitty.
He's nice.
- I'm really pumped to meet this guy.
- Ah, he was the coolest.
Seriously.
- Oh, hey.
Hey! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mrs.
Schmit.
Hey, it's, uh- it's Dennis.
Yeah, and Mac.
You remember us, right? We're looking for Schmitty.
He around? Ah, he's dead.
- Oh.
- What? Oh, gosh.
That is too bad.
- We're sorry for your loss.
- Yee-aaah! What's up, bitches? - Oh! - Is that Schmitty? - Yeah, it's Schmitty! - We thought you were dead.
- He made me say it.
- "He made me say it.
" Listen to you, Mom.
Thank you for playing along.
You're a sweetheart.
You see that shit? He jumped down a whole flight of stairs.
Yeah, I didn't see you down there, Chuckles.
How you been, little man? Not that little, you know? Regular size.
- Maybe he, but - - Not anymore.
- Put on a few LB's since I saw you last, huh? - Nope! - Same weight.
Same weight I always been.
- He put on a lot of weight.
- No, you tacked on weight.
- I tacked on mass.
Muscle mass.
Who's this old son of a bitch? - I'm Frank.
- Frank? - Frank.
- I'm Schmitty.
Nice to- Put her there.
- No! - Don't kiss him! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, uh, so what brings you dicks here, huh? Oh, well, Schmitty, um, honestly, we came around here because we, um - - Go ahead.
- Want to say we're sorry, Schmitty that- that we - - Can you take this, Mac? - Yeah, man, I got this.
We just want to say we're sorry for icing you out in the past, and we'd like your forgiveness.
- Yeah.
- Get on your knees and ask.
- Excuse me? - Get down on your knees and ask.
Show some humility, for Christ's sake.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Aw, man.
- Whatever it takes, Schmitty.
- Wow, you're really doing it.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding! - Oh! Oh, he's joking! Oh, man! Come on, guys! Have some dignity, some respect for yourselves.
- Do you forgive us? - Absolutely.
That's classy, Schmitty.
Very classy.
Dr.
Meyers? - Yes? - Hi.
Dee Reynolds.
I was in the school musical.
Frankenstein.
Yes, of course! Deandra Reynolds! - Yeah! - Sit, darling.
- Thank you.
- Sit.
Listen, I came to talk to you about high school.
I - Oh, uh - I was drinking a lot back then, so if I did anything inappropriate - Oh, no, no, no.
No, not at all.
In fact, the opposite.
You were, like, the most inspiring teacher I had.
In fact, I wrote you this check 10 years ago with the hopes that I could one day give it to you as a thank-you.
May you rot in hell, you wretched beast! Oh.
Um - I'm confused.
Uh - Frankenstein.
That's what the villagers screamed at you just before you threw yourself on the funeral pyre.
Oh, you were such a hideous delight in that show.
Thank you.
Yes, okay.
So what you're saying is, don't give up.
I shouldn't give up on my dream of being - No, my dear.
You must give up.
You must.
It's far too late for you.
But it's not too late to teach.
Come speak to the kids.
Inspire them.
It's an opportunity to share your unique experiences.
- Uh-huh.
- The question is: Will you seize it? Mmm.
No, thank you.
- Five, four, three - What? No, I just never wanted to be - - Two, one.
- Teaching doesn't - No offense.
What are you doing? - Okay, yes.
- And there you have it! A teacher is born.
There we are.
Man, this is unbelievable.
Working at a bar? Running a bar? This has got to be, like, the greatest job ever, right? - It is, man.
This is what we do.
- A lot of dicking around.
Hey, um, you're still, uh, living with your mom, huh? That sounds kind of lame.
Yeah, well, I mean, it's the M.
S.
that's really lame.
- You know? - Oh, your mom has - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
She's doing all right though.
I moved in with her to take care of her and stuff like that.
It's good to really get to know her before, you know, uh, she moves on.
Kind of a downer, that story though.
Kind of a downer.
What about you, man? What's your living situation like these days? - Oh, it's pretty sweet.
- I am.
I'm his living situation.
- He lives with me.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, we share a bed.
- Well, not every night.
That's hilarious.
Charlie and I used to be roomies.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
You remember that? - Oh, yeah.
- Hey, you remember how you used to try to get me to play all those lame games? You know, those weird things you would want to do at night? Like, uh, Night Crawlers? - We play Night Crawlers all the time.
- You do? - Well, Frank enjoys those games very much.
- Oh.
Oh.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but to make Night Crawlers a little bit better you should use blankets, right? - They could be the dirt! - Exactly.
You could use it as a force field or as a roaming base.
- It's a great idea.
- It's not a good idea though because it's an imagination-based game.
No, it's still imagination-based.
Oh! I had an idea! Dennis, remember you and Mac and you guys were laughing at me doing the butt dance? They love that when I do it.
Guys, watch me.
Watch me, will you? Oh, yeah! Five, six, seven, eight! # Butt, butt # - # Butt, butt # - Oh, Charlie, no.
# Give it to me G- # - Where is this coming fr- This is not - - This is embarrassing.
God, this is just humiliating.
Guys, get excited! We're doing the - # Butt, butt # Hey, Charlie, you're not having fun doing it, so we're not having fun watching it, buddy.
Watch.
It's like this.
It's more - I don't know.
Something like, uh - # Butt, butt, butt-butt-butt # - # Butt, butt, butt-butt-butt Butt, butt, butt-butt-butt # Butt butt! Woo, woo, woo, woo! Hyah! Butt dance 2.
0.
Butt dance 2.
0.
- I'll drink to that.
- You know what you got that Charlie doesn't quite have? You have that "it" factor.
You know what I'm saying? Charisma.
It's, like, you got it.
Hey, you guys! Can I talk to you in the back office for a second real quick? I can't believe this dude.
He has not changed in years, man! Look, you guys need to make a decision right now, okay? It is either him, or it is me! - Him.
- Yeah.
I was gonna say him too.
Yeah, him, him.
It's always been him.
I don't know why I didn't see that before.
I'm out of the gang? - Him.
- Him.
Hello, everybody.
Hi there.
My name is Dee Reynolds, and not only am I a professional actress and comedienne uh, but I also used to go to school here.
What have you acted in? A lot of- A lot.
I've acted in a lot of things.
Y- You may not have seen all of them or any of them.
It's not time for questions.
I'll let you know when it's time for questions though, okay? And the phone goes away.
And the phone goes into your pocket or into your backpack.
But not out in your fingers, because I'm talking.
- Nah, I'm a'ight.
- Yeah.
Said the turkey.
Uh-oh.
Oh, no.
Who's she? Who's she? She's somebody that'll zing you back.
Right? I'll zing you.
I'll zap you, I'll zing you.
So just know that about me.
You know, I know that, uh, you guys are 18 and you're seniors, and so - Okay, what is it that they're doing? What is this that they're doing? - Oh, they're doing their coughing thing.
- Yeah, I hear that.
All right, kids, settle down.
You can, uh, read, pull out your phones, whatever.
They do love their phones.
What? That's it? You're just gonna sit in the corner and hem away at your sock all day? No! Where - Where is the teacher that I knew? Where is that inspirational man? My enthusiasm in those days was fueled entirely by the alcohol.
Dee! Hey! - Come here.
Come here.
- Charlie, what are you- what are you doing? Got kicked out of the gang.
What are you up to? You wanna hang out? No, Charlie.
I don't want to hang out.
I-I have a job.
I'm a teacher now, so I got to get back to inspiring some students.
Oh, that's pretty sweet.
You want to toss some inspiration my way? 'Cause the guys think Schmitty's all that and, like, I'm no good.
- Okay, Charlie, how about this? - Uh-huh? - You are good at cleaning shit out of toilets - Right.
and taking trash and throwing it into Dumpsters.
So why don't you get a new job somewhere else doing those kinds of things and make friends there, okay? Okay, Dee, so are you saying get a job here as the janitor and then you and I can be best friends? That is absolutely not what I was saying.
- I'm gonna talk to the principal, see if I can get that job.
- Don't do that.
- We'll work on the friendship thing later.
- No, don't do that.
Charlie, don't do that.
Oh, goddamn it, don't do that.
This is my thing.
Here we go.
- All right! There's the man! - What's up, buddy? - This place is pretty nice.
- Yeah.
What's going on? Are you guys gonna try to bang me afterwards or something? - Very nice turn.
- Try not to laugh too much, 'cause it's gonna - - We only come here for special occasions.
- Yeah.
Good, good.
What's the occasion? Well, we brought you to this luncheon, Schmitty because we want to make this official.
- Mac, do you have the ring? - Yeah.
Okay, great.
Um - Schmitty, we, uh - we missed a lot of good, good years.
- A lot of special time.
- Yeah? - With- With you.
- Thanks.
And, uh - - You know what? I don't think I can do this.
- Okay.
I'll take over from here.
- I'll take over.
- Why's he being a big-time puss? - I know.
He's emotional.
- Schmitty we want you back, if you'll have us.
What the hell is this shit? It's a sterling silver clover ring.
When we put all four of them together, it makes a four-leaf clover solidifying our bond for all time.
You're kidding though, right? - No, we've never been more serious in our lives.
- Yeah.
Yeah, whatever.
I don't care.
Sure.
- Yes? Yes? That's a yes! - Yeah.
He said yes.
That's a yes.
- We bagged him.
- We certainly did.
Oh, food's here! Food is here.
Wait.
Hold on.
No, I didn't order yet.
Oh, that's okay.
I took care of the food already.
Yes.
Dennis orders for us.
That is a humongous shrimp.
Well, it's 'cause it's not a shrimp, Frank.
It's a prawn.
- And I don't like prawns, so I eat around them.
- Yeah.
I'll take your prawns if you want to take my salad.
- Eh.
- No? - Okay.
Yeah.
That's what I'll do.
- Hey, no, wait! Hold on! Why don't you just order what you want? Well, Dennis kind of has the best palate.
Yeah, I have the most refined palate, Schmitty.
That's how we do things now.
You've been away for a while.
It's fine.
No, no.
That's not what I'm gonna do.
Excuse me.
Hey, come here really quick.
Um, can I get, uh - You have linguine? Yeah, can I get linguine instead? - Uh And what do you guys want? Order whatever you want.
- Linguine's too heavy for lunch.
- No, no.
What do you want? - I want fries.
- Fries for this guy.
- No, no, no.
- I can have fries? - You don't like your salad all of a sudden, Mac? - I hate salad.
- You hate salad? Where is this coming from? - I didn't wanna say anything.
- I hate this restaurant.
- Yeah, this restaurant blows.
- I'll have a ginger ale.
- All right! Come on, man! Get into it! - I'm saying that now.
Can I say that now? - What? - Hyah! - Absolutely.
Take it.
That's yours.
By all means.
- All right.
- What'd you get, a ginger ale? I'm a little confused.
Are you telling me that this photo of Bruce Jenner is your résumé? Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal résumé on me so I was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr.
Jenner could - could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to this position.
I see.
And you're looking for a job as a substitute teacher? Substitute janitor.
Look I'll clean this building so good, you're not gonna know what to do with yourself.
You know what I mean? I'm not a proud man.
I'll do the jobs that the other guys don't want to do.
I'll degrade myself.
I'll make a genuine ass out of myself.
Yeah.
Hey, look, I'll swallow that eraser whole just to prove it to you.
Uh, no, no.
Please.
Please.
No.
- I'll swallow it whole.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
You don't have to do that.
But I have to say, I don't think I've ever encountered someone who's so passionate about joining our custodial staff.
The passion I have for the work that I do is extraordinary.
It probably goes beyond Jenner.
- Uh-huh.
- And I'm serious.
I'll eat that eraser whole.
Oh, no, no, it's not nec- You don't need to eat the eraser to prove your point.
- Sure.
- Uh, you have the job.
- Are you serious? - I love your attitude.
It's fantastic.
Sir, I am not gonna let you down.
I'm gonna start cleaning immediately.
- Immediately.
- Okay.
Uh, but first, can I eat the eraser? Are you- You're saying you want to eat the eraser? Well, I'm asking if it's edible, because it certainly smells of grapes.
- I don't think it's edible.
- Can't I just test it? I'd rather you didn't.
I kinda want- I might need it.
All right.
Well, you win this one.
I'll pick up one of my own and I'll eat that one.
That way everybody wins.
All right, well, welcome aboard.
All right.
All right.
Thanks so much.
Ridiculous.
It's ridiculous.
Where the hell is he? - I don't know.
- What time did we say? - We said 3:00.
- We said 3:00, and it's, like - - Ah.
- Hyah! - Well - - What's crappenin', fellas? - Uh, hey, Schmitty.
Running kinda late there, huh? - Am I? - I didn't think it mattered.
- How could it not matter? This is the final phase of your initiation back into the gang, so it kinda matters a lot.
- It actually does.
- Whoa.
Um, where is your ring? Oh, come on.
You didn't want me to really wear that thing, did ya? Yeah.
- Oh.
- We're sort of sticklers for that kind of thing too.
- So pop that on.
- I will.
Okay.
Sorry about that.
Time and ring.
Good.
Got it.
- Okay.
Oh! - Yeah.
Hey, look at this! Nice setup, fellas.
Candles? Where'd you steal these from, huh? We bought those.
Uh-oh! When the hell'd you take that? - Don't worry about it, Schmitty.
- We got to ya.
This is weird as hell.
You guys see that, right? What's weird about this? This is a men's ceremony, okay? - They have ceremonies for all sorts of men's clubs.
- Yeah.
You know, the Mafia, the Freemasons, the White House.
- The White House.
They do it.
- This is cool, okay? Trust me.
What we're doing is very cool.
- Okay.
- Mac, why don't we get started? You'll get it.
He'll understand as the ceremony progresses.
All right, Schmitty, please have a seat in the ceremonial seat.
- I'll do the candles.
- Frank, please do the candles.
Dennis, the song.
All right, the song.
Oh, look at that! - All right, take it- take it seriously.
- I am.
I'm locked in.
Okay, I will now begin the ceremony by administering a sweet roundhouse kick to the bell.
There's a bell? Step, step.
- Uh-oh.
Whiff! - I just missed that.
I just missed that.
- Dude, you're not even close.
- No, Schmitty, this is all part of the ceremony.
What is? Watch it.
Oh! No, no.
No.
- Oh, you gotta stretch before this thing, huh? - Enjoy it.
One last crack.
Come on.
- Hyah! - Oh, man.
This is pathetic.
Here, dude, look.
It goes something like this.
Hyah! I'm excited.
I am.
I mean, the first part of the ceremony was a little lame but ending it with a hot air balloon ride, that kicks ass.
Yeah, yeah, all those things.
Yup.
Frank, now! Push, Frank, push! Go, go, go! - I got him.
- Oh, come on.
Come on, Frank, push him out! Are you literally trying to push me out of a moving car again? - Yes.
- Goddamn it.
Pull over.
Why are you doing this? - I'll just pull over.
Great job, Frank.
- Frank, come on.
- Tub of lard over here.
- Take it easy, okay? - Give me back the ring! 'Cause you don't deserve it! - Take the ring.
- You're out of the gang, Schmitty! - You're out of the gang! Get out! - You're out! You're out! - Okay.
Got it.
I heard ya.
Nice seeing you guys again.
- Very nice meeting you.
- Get out of the car! I heard you.
I'm getting out.
Okay? - Now, Dennis.
Peel out.
- Yeah - I was gonna peel out, and then you - Don't take the steam out of it.
Tell people we pushed you! All right, class, feel free to text or watch movies, whatever it is you do.
- Not today, Doc.
- What are you doing, Dee? I am inspiring you.
Rise and shine, dickwad.
Okay, this is a great teacher but he is wasted on you.
Well, not anymore.
We're gonna be rehearsing a little musical today called Frankenstein.
- This is stupid.
- Get out.
You're stupid.
- What? - You heard me.
Get out of here, you stupid idiot.
- It's fine by me.
- Yeah, good.
And anybody else who doesn't want to be here today, you can get out now too.
- Hey, you want to go to the mall? - No, no, wait.
Stop! No, come on, you guys! That's - Not everybody.
Sit back down.
That's just something people say.
You guys are gonna love this.
Okay, let's get started.
"Have you seen Dr.
Frankenstein's creation that they all speak of?" "Nay, I've heard tales told of his hideousness.
A monster most foul.
" # My face composed of rotten flesh # # Roar, roar # # A hideous beast with deadly clutch # # Roar, roar # # Another's heart beats in my chest # # I'll never know a woman's touch # Roar! And then I retreat into the mist.
And, Dr.
Meyers, you are Dr.
Frankenstein, so get up here and get acting! With pleasure, Dee! Just let me set the loop and here I come! Oops! That's not - I am shattered to pieces! Are you acting right now? No, I'm not acting, you bitch! - I think I've broke my hip.
- Oh.
Why is this damn stage so slippery? - Hey, Charlie! - Hey, there he is! Charlie boy! This floor is slippery, man.
Whole school's slippery, 'cause I waxed it real good with this awesome power waxer that the school provided me.
I did this whole place in, like, two hours.
- Oh, nice.
- Whoa.
That's impressive.
Yeah.
Dee inspired me.
She said, "You're an awesome janitor, Charlie.
You can make this whole school slippery.
" I said, "Sure, I'll give it my best shot.
" Then she's, like, "Let's be best friends.
" And I was, like, "Sure, I'll give that my best shot too.
" So we're best friends now.
Yeah, that's- that's quite a conversation you had with her, isn't it? Mm-hmm.
What do you guys want? Oh, well, we, uh- we came to ya because we wanted to tell you that we're sorry for picking Schmitty over you and we feel like we made a big mistake and we want you back, buddy.
And, uh - We pushed him out of a moving car for you.
- I can't do it.
- Jesus, dude.
What is wrong with you? All right, I'll handle it.
Charlie, we have an announcement to make.
It's your lucky day.
We want you back.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Gotta say, that's pretty classy, guys but I wish you gave me one of these a long time ago 'cause I'm a janitor now.