Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s06e08 Episode Script
Finders Weepers
Sarah, drop everything and listen up.
- Can do, boss.
- Oh, Sarah, You know how it bugs me when your cuteness is all in your face.
Sorry, I'll try to rein in my joy.
OK, this is a big day.
Huge! My college friend, Glenda Beckford, is in town.
- Oh, the mayor from Darnley.
- Yes, and the girl voted least likely to outshine Ann Popowicz in any meaningful way.
- Is that a thing? - Hell, I made it a thing.
She's always tried to one-up me from her sad imitation of my style to her desperate attempts to steal my boyfriends, but she's really tall.
Maybe the kind of doll you want to stick pins into, but a doll nonetheless, right? Right! But you know, keeps life exciting just the way I like it.
Oh! Book us a table for lunch at Mercy's finest hotspot.
[ laughing .]
- Oh! Do you remember Jimmy Longa? - Oh, I loved him! You took him to the football game, I took him to Paradise.
Oh yeah, Paradise! Is that old club still open? Remember, that was the first place I ever danced on a table.
Welcome to Fatima's! I will be your waitress today.
My name is Fatima.
If you would like to compliment the chef, Fatima, please tell the manager Fatima.
Ah! Phew! Ah, I ran the whole way.
I guess you didn't see me chasing your car, Ann.
Anyway, looks like I made it in time for our lunch.
You must be Glenda.
I'm Sarah, Ann's PR person, but she's probably told you all about me.
- What are you doing here? - Ooh, nice table! - I told her to give us the best! - Yes, the best table for two.
- In case you haven't noticed.
- Ann, there's plenty of room - for your friend to sit down.
- No, there isn't! - So, tell me, Glenda - Sarah You weren't invited.
This lunch is for mayors only.
Is there a problem or will you be leaving quietly? Ah Little Mosque on the Prairie SO6EO8 Finders Weepers I got this.
Sarah, - Hit the road! - How dare you? Think of all I've done for you.
I've organized things, I file things, I promote things, I spin things, shred things for auditors.
What thanks do I get? I gave you a gift card to that button store.
I am your PR consultant, and you treat me like a hired servant.
I'm done.
I'm done with this lunch.
Again, weren't invited! Ah I'm done with this job.
[ frustrated grunts .]
AMAAR: We need to get the name for the mosque approved right away.
Hello? - Amaar, are you here? - Absolutely, OK, we'll talk later.
Alaikum, hi.
- Walaikum assalaam.
- Alaikum, bye.
Sorry, I've got to go meet the lawyer about the new mosque.
Ah, there is a grill cheese on the counter except it's a little burnt.
Thank you.
Hey, Amaar, are you excited about tonight? Ah, yeah, of course.
It's gonna be awesome! Yeah! [ happy sigh .]
Aww! [Card.]
: Hi, honey, it's your mom, Sarah Hamoudi, I mean Cunningham.
I'm still not used to that.
Anyway, the guy said I only have a certain amount of time and one take, so here goes: Happy birth Oh, I'm sure she was gonna say birthday or birdbath.
- Excuse me, You haven't seen a brilliant Public relations consultant around here anywhere, have you? - No! - Ah, wrong answer.
- It's you! - Ah, I figured that's where you were going, I didn't want Apa-pa-pa-pa-pa! I don't want to hear another negative word out of you because you are exactly the kind of gal I need working with me in Darnley.
Really? The big city? Well, it's a little city Bigger than Mercy anyway which has nothing to offer a star like you.
You've got chutzpah, spunk, cojones, and it's all wasted working for a shlob like Ann.
Oh, Ann's not really a shlob, she just doesn't always appreciate me - Shlob! - Oh - And I stand behind it.
You have worked your fingers to the bone for that woman, And she doesn't even get you a seat at the big girl's table? - That's true! - Come on, work for me, Sarah.
I see big things in your future.
I can offer you a permanent exclusive contract As the public relations consultant at Darnley.
- Wow! - Think glitzy corner office.
Together, we can be unstoppable.
Ah, wow! Ha! Ha! Love you.
Love you.
Love you.
- Oh, my goodness! - All right.
Bye.
Hey, Baber Streisand, what's shaking? Ah, my hands trying to lift these heavy boxes.
I find free weights are easier to lift, there's no sharp edges.
I am not lifting these four-cornered demons for my health.
I know rummage sale, and I must go through all of the junk to see what I can pawn off on gullible congregates.
Ah, right, right, right.
Our little moneymaking venture.
Technically, the money is for the upkeep of the building and the grounds.
[ laughing .]
Yeah! Well, wherever the money winds up.
In safe hands of course, all above board.
It starts with crabby Christians and "moppy" Muslims paying ridiculous prices for old junk to fill the void in their sad, pathetic, little lives.
- Allah o akbar! - God is great, my friend! This could be the last one of these rummage sales, you know, with the new mosque.
- Yeah, I suppose so.
- We had good years together.
Uh, months, but yes, they felt like years.
Because you're so jam-packed with Tutti Frutti goodness.
- Alaikum! - Alaikum salam! Where were you? I was worried.
Ah, what a day! Contractors, builders, lawyers, you know, I forgot how horrible they are Wow! - You look amazing! - You like it? I love it! Why are you dressed up? - What? - Is it Mom's anniversary? No, she's divorced.
Um, you got that new X- ray machine at the clinic! No.
Why would I dress up for an X-ray machine? It's the finale of Piranha Vs Crocodile week? Piranha Vs Croc week, that's what you think tonight is? - Top Homemaker? - Amaar, it's my birthday.
Oh, God, it's your birthday, of course.
Happy birthday, honey! Hmm, it's too late to make a reservation Yeah, it is.
[ sigh of Amaar .]
- So what now? - Uh now, I apologize, and I promise to make it up to you tomorrow night when we go to Chez Poupon, - your favourite.
- And tonight? Tonight I'm gonna give you one of my famous foot massages.
Your office is so nice, Glenda.
I can't put my finger on it, but there's something oddly familiar about it.
- It's soothing, isn't it? - Yeah! Well, what have you got for me, new girl? Well, the way I see it, Darnley is ripe for growth in a number of different areas: environmental leadership, education and small businesses.
How do you plan to attract new residents? And can you promote the new outdoor mall and its new recycling program? [ laughing .]
Yes, yes, it also has a new daycare centre.
- It's a hit on all three fronts.
- Fantastic! How about those teacup poodles, eh? - That's a bit of a misnomer.
- Excuse me? I tried to fit my poodle in my teacup - It was a disaster.
- Oh Can we just get back to my ideas? Oh, I thought we were finished with those.
I thought we had moved on to my teacup, my poodle, me! I'm sure your dog is adorable.
- Was adorable actually.
- Oh Um, well, can we take a look at my new office? What a terrific idea! There you go! Fit for a queen! Ah, it's certainly cozy.
Well, it's my firm belief that you can be more efficient In here away from the distractions of huge chunks of space.
So, this is permanent? And exclusive.
Just like the job.
- Ah! - Poor, poor stupid Ann To have ever let you go 'cause I can see that you are going To take this city right into the 21st century.
Well, we're already in the 21st century.
Oh, shut your gob and start swivelling that chair right down to a bum-pleasing height.
[ knocking .]
[ moaning .]
What's that psychotic light? Make it stop, Sarah.
Bad time to talk about next week's holiday parade? Thought I'd do a little story on it.
OK, keep your voice down, it's echoing inside my skull.
What? - What have you been up to? - I don't know! - Wo! - Nothing.
Have you seen Sarah? What am I gonna do? You see Sarah used to run Well, she just made things better for me.
- Really? - No, no, no.
No, she didn't run anything, she just played a huge role in the leadership of all things related to my job.
She now works for my worst best friend.
How interesting [ Fred snickering .]
Fred, would you be so kind as to point me at the direction of my purse? It's right there, Mayor Mix-drink-a-lot.
What is this doing here? Oh, Yusuf Islam's CD, it's gonna be seven dollars.
Seven dollars? It was a gift from me! It cost me 30 euros plus shipping.
I got it from an Italian deli.
Buyer beware.
Look, there's no Cat Stevens' songs on it, so it's gotta go.
Oh, and I see you're also selling the knitty dickey that I made for you.
Yes, I am.
Look, didn't go with anything.
It's beautiful, you ungrateful monster! Hold on, wait.
Is that the abacus I gave you so you could count all the times Amaar stole your job? - I do that with my fingers.
- And Christianity for Dummies? I gave this to you for your birthday! I already knew Christianity was for dummies! Who needs to read a whole book about it? Mark my words, I will sell every last piece of junk you ever gave me.
Actually, I can't mark your words.
Want to know why? 'Cause I am going to sell the PEN that you gave me.
Game on.
RAYYAN: So, as I was saying, - This guy came into the clinic - One second.
Hello? Yeah! No, I know we spoke yesterday, but I still need the paperwork.
OK, we can be reasonable about this.
Thank you, bye-bye.
So, today, this elderly [ cell phone ringing .]
Hang on one second.
Hello? Yeah, no, no, but I do still need the permit, OK? There should be no confusion About this.
We gotta get this fixed.
Well, this isn't how I envisioned my birthday dinner going.
OK, thank you.
So [ cell phone ringing .]
- Amaar! - It's an e-mail.
OK Thank you.
Oh! Hang on! I think my wife just went to the powder room.
Yeah, probably the one at your house.
What? Can I get this to go? FRED: Up next, the scintillating story about Mercy's own mayor.
Stay tuned.
Fatima, turn it up, turn it up.
Fred's gonna do a piece on me.
I'm going to be on the radio, everyone.
[ radio station jingle .]
I just find it ironic that I lose my PR rep, - and I'm getting more press.
- FRED: It's time for a segment I call: Gritty's Dirt Dish.
Folks, here's the tale of a befuddled mayor, our very own Ann "pork barrel" Popowicz whose former PR consultant, Sarah, a freelancer for the love of Pete, was the true leader of the community.
Perpetually guiding her hung over and irresponsible boss through a minefield of flubs, gaffes, and ineptitude.
- Turn it down, turn it down.
Excuse me, Glenda.
It's 8:30, and we didn't get the chance to go over some of my other ideas, so I'm just gonna head home.
Oh no! I need you to do something very important for me first.
Really? That's great! I mean, it's a little bit late now, so maybe we can start it tomorrow? Sort these.
- Sort candy? - Yeah, by colour obviously because, I mean, they're already all the same size.
Oh, good one, Glenda.
Oh, imagine anyone doing that in the mayor's office.
I don't have to imagine it, do I, because that's what you're gonna do, and then you're going to transcribe it.
What do you mean? I've been taping you on the nanny cam all day, so I want you to look at those tapes and then write down everything you see.
You've been taping me? Isn't that a violation of my rights!? Rights "schmytes".
What are we? In prison? Uh, yeah, kinda.
Look, Glenda, this is not working.
We need to revisit my contract.
And I think you need to revisit your office! Come on! Let's get sorting! Am I speaking solely!? Am I whispering!? Can you hear me? Go! I'm going, I'm sorry.
SARAH: I think I need a lawyer.
[ door slamming .]
Good morning.
- Salaam walaikum, Rayyan.
- Walaikum assalaam.
And I only say that because I'm obligated to reply as a Muslim.
- That's sweet.
- You didn't come to bed last night.
Well, uh, I didn't think I was welcome after you ditched me - At the restaurant.
- Well, can you blame me? - That was pretty awful! - You know what's pretty awful? Is me having to hitchhike from Chez Poupon with two large takeout bags in a truck full of death row pigs.
- It's a 20-minute drive.
- Felt more like 20 hours with stinky pigs! Look, I'm sorry you're upset.
That's not an apology.
I don't have time, I'll talk to you when I get home from work.
[ door slamming .]
No apology for me, I guess! Can I interest you in a gently-used harmonica? Prff! I'm gonna outsell you like a banana salesman at a monkey stampede.
You smell like a monkey stampede.
Your face is a monkey stampede.
I'm going to beat you like uncle Bunder beat our mule.
- Parcheesi, is it fun? - Fun does not have enough letters to describe how fun Parcheesi is.
It is a spectacular game! I've played it many times with the rev someone who is of little or no importance to me.
- Two dollars sounds like a good deal, so - There's been a mistake.
There's a zero missing.
Ha! Ha! are you running here? Thank you for browsing.
- How are you? - Fine.
And you? - Fine, never better.
- Good.
- Great.
- How's the new job? - Oh, it's fantastic! - Wonderful! - I should - head back there right now.
- Oh, that's good - Because I've hired someone else.
- What? Yes, he's wonderful.
Best PR consultant I've ever had.
Well, Glenda is awesome! Best boss ever! - Fantastic! - Yeah! I should head back to Darnley right now 'cause I have to watch some very important footage of myself.
- Toodles.
- Tata! - So - Go away.
You know, maybe I oughta do a piece on Sarah as to the part deux on our deadbeat mayor, huh? [ throat clearing .]
Anywho, my listeners want to know about the real you.
Is it true your third husband was a pagan? - Checkers! - Yeah, it's a great game.
- Yeah.
- Some people think it's the layman's chess, but no, this is the game of champions.
Ha! Ha! You know? your little brown opponent in a battle of the wits.
- My four-year-old will love it.
- Excuse me? OK, checkers is a sport for men.
- Ah, it's a game for kids.
- No, no.
Not for sale.
What? It's not for kids.
[ woman whimpering .]
Could you keep it down in there? I'm trying to write my memoirs, The Darnley Diaries.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't get mucus on my files! Here! Good Lord! Your entire face is leaking.
What is it? - It's Ann.
- Ann? - She replaced me! - That was fast.
She says he's the best PR guy she's ever had! - Is that so? - Technically, he's the only PR guy she's ever had 'cause I'm a woman, - But I don't think that's what - Ssh! Ssh! Ssh! There's somebody better than you? - That's not possible.
- Thank you, Glenda.
I really needed to talk about this.
Oh, let it all out, sweetie, and then pack up your stuff.
You're fired.
Walaikum assalaam.
- Ah, what a day! - Oh, rough? Yeah, I was in a bad mood, and that kinda affected everything, but it's out of my system now, so I'm ready to talk to you rationally.
Yeah, I was upset, but I'm OK too, now.
Why were you upset? Guilt? Ah no.
Actually, I was disappointed I didn't get an apology from you.
What? But I'm glad we're past that now.
And what were you expecting an apology for? - Well, you did leave me at the restaurant.
- Because you were on the phone.
For work.
You know, work! Being productive.
I am starting a new mosque.
So, that gives you an excuse to be rude to me? I may have been a little rude, but you "out-rudded" me.
That wouldn't have happened if you got off the phone for five minutes on my birthday! Technically, it wasn't your birthday! And technically, you forgot my birthday.
I really should have known that.
So many good times with these games.
Yes! It's only fitting that we play another round of each of them.
Yes, it would be a shame to not say farewell to them properly.
Exactly! It's too bad we didn't sell more At the rummage sale.
Probably because you undersold the used trophies.
Me? Yeah! That's rich coming from a guy who couldn't even move the Squirt Bees.
I would like to see you go and sell a Freaky-fuzzy-toilet squirts without tears.
- Yah.
Saddest toy in the world.
- Hm That was fast.
Will you please just let me explain why I was working through our dinner? So, I was texting and calling our primary mosque donors and their lawyers, who had called my lawyers, who had called me, who wanted me to call the donors back No, I get it: you were talking to a bunch of people who aren't me.
Because I wanted to name the mosque: Masjid al Rayyan after my beautiful wife and Rayyan, the gates of heaven, of course, but mostly after my beautiful wife.
Well, that's pretty sweet.
But, uh the donors insisted we use their names.
- So, what's the name gonna be? - Well, our donors' names are Mussa and Annas.
Mussa Annas Mosque? You know how people will pronounce that? - Yes, I do.
- Say it out loud.
No, I already did, and let me assure you "Mussannas" Mosque.
- Sounds Canadian? - You need to call, text, e- mail, do whatever you gotta do, 'cause that's got to change.
"Mussannas" Mosque, really? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ah What does my "ex-besty- poopy-pants" want now? Listen, dummy.
Glenda always wants what I have especially if it's truly amazing.
I couldn't invite you to lunch, she'd see how brilliant you are.
Oh, Ann, really? And when she stole you from me, I couldn't say I wanted you back.
She'd just dig her acrylic nails in deeper.
So this whole time, you were pushing me away just to keep me close? Yes, except I wouldn't make it sound quite so cheesy.
And then you hired that PR guy to tempt Glenda? - And the old hag took the bait.
- Aren't you the same age? Shut up, Sarah, I'm trying to appreciate you.
Wow, Ann, that's a really convoluted plan.
How did you come up with that one? - Vodka.
- Ah, so who is this PR guy you found? - You good, Yousef? - Yes, good.
Good.
No! Not eating, sorting.
Sorting! No, throw it away! Toss! Toss it away! Sorting.
Subtitle by: Kiasuseven
- Can do, boss.
- Oh, Sarah, You know how it bugs me when your cuteness is all in your face.
Sorry, I'll try to rein in my joy.
OK, this is a big day.
Huge! My college friend, Glenda Beckford, is in town.
- Oh, the mayor from Darnley.
- Yes, and the girl voted least likely to outshine Ann Popowicz in any meaningful way.
- Is that a thing? - Hell, I made it a thing.
She's always tried to one-up me from her sad imitation of my style to her desperate attempts to steal my boyfriends, but she's really tall.
Maybe the kind of doll you want to stick pins into, but a doll nonetheless, right? Right! But you know, keeps life exciting just the way I like it.
Oh! Book us a table for lunch at Mercy's finest hotspot.
[ laughing .]
- Oh! Do you remember Jimmy Longa? - Oh, I loved him! You took him to the football game, I took him to Paradise.
Oh yeah, Paradise! Is that old club still open? Remember, that was the first place I ever danced on a table.
Welcome to Fatima's! I will be your waitress today.
My name is Fatima.
If you would like to compliment the chef, Fatima, please tell the manager Fatima.
Ah! Phew! Ah, I ran the whole way.
I guess you didn't see me chasing your car, Ann.
Anyway, looks like I made it in time for our lunch.
You must be Glenda.
I'm Sarah, Ann's PR person, but she's probably told you all about me.
- What are you doing here? - Ooh, nice table! - I told her to give us the best! - Yes, the best table for two.
- In case you haven't noticed.
- Ann, there's plenty of room - for your friend to sit down.
- No, there isn't! - So, tell me, Glenda - Sarah You weren't invited.
This lunch is for mayors only.
Is there a problem or will you be leaving quietly? Ah Little Mosque on the Prairie SO6EO8 Finders Weepers I got this.
Sarah, - Hit the road! - How dare you? Think of all I've done for you.
I've organized things, I file things, I promote things, I spin things, shred things for auditors.
What thanks do I get? I gave you a gift card to that button store.
I am your PR consultant, and you treat me like a hired servant.
I'm done.
I'm done with this lunch.
Again, weren't invited! Ah I'm done with this job.
[ frustrated grunts .]
AMAAR: We need to get the name for the mosque approved right away.
Hello? - Amaar, are you here? - Absolutely, OK, we'll talk later.
Alaikum, hi.
- Walaikum assalaam.
- Alaikum, bye.
Sorry, I've got to go meet the lawyer about the new mosque.
Ah, there is a grill cheese on the counter except it's a little burnt.
Thank you.
Hey, Amaar, are you excited about tonight? Ah, yeah, of course.
It's gonna be awesome! Yeah! [ happy sigh .]
Aww! [Card.]
: Hi, honey, it's your mom, Sarah Hamoudi, I mean Cunningham.
I'm still not used to that.
Anyway, the guy said I only have a certain amount of time and one take, so here goes: Happy birth Oh, I'm sure she was gonna say birthday or birdbath.
- Excuse me, You haven't seen a brilliant Public relations consultant around here anywhere, have you? - No! - Ah, wrong answer.
- It's you! - Ah, I figured that's where you were going, I didn't want Apa-pa-pa-pa-pa! I don't want to hear another negative word out of you because you are exactly the kind of gal I need working with me in Darnley.
Really? The big city? Well, it's a little city Bigger than Mercy anyway which has nothing to offer a star like you.
You've got chutzpah, spunk, cojones, and it's all wasted working for a shlob like Ann.
Oh, Ann's not really a shlob, she just doesn't always appreciate me - Shlob! - Oh - And I stand behind it.
You have worked your fingers to the bone for that woman, And she doesn't even get you a seat at the big girl's table? - That's true! - Come on, work for me, Sarah.
I see big things in your future.
I can offer you a permanent exclusive contract As the public relations consultant at Darnley.
- Wow! - Think glitzy corner office.
Together, we can be unstoppable.
Ah, wow! Ha! Ha! Love you.
Love you.
Love you.
- Oh, my goodness! - All right.
Bye.
Hey, Baber Streisand, what's shaking? Ah, my hands trying to lift these heavy boxes.
I find free weights are easier to lift, there's no sharp edges.
I am not lifting these four-cornered demons for my health.
I know rummage sale, and I must go through all of the junk to see what I can pawn off on gullible congregates.
Ah, right, right, right.
Our little moneymaking venture.
Technically, the money is for the upkeep of the building and the grounds.
[ laughing .]
Yeah! Well, wherever the money winds up.
In safe hands of course, all above board.
It starts with crabby Christians and "moppy" Muslims paying ridiculous prices for old junk to fill the void in their sad, pathetic, little lives.
- Allah o akbar! - God is great, my friend! This could be the last one of these rummage sales, you know, with the new mosque.
- Yeah, I suppose so.
- We had good years together.
Uh, months, but yes, they felt like years.
Because you're so jam-packed with Tutti Frutti goodness.
- Alaikum! - Alaikum salam! Where were you? I was worried.
Ah, what a day! Contractors, builders, lawyers, you know, I forgot how horrible they are Wow! - You look amazing! - You like it? I love it! Why are you dressed up? - What? - Is it Mom's anniversary? No, she's divorced.
Um, you got that new X- ray machine at the clinic! No.
Why would I dress up for an X-ray machine? It's the finale of Piranha Vs Crocodile week? Piranha Vs Croc week, that's what you think tonight is? - Top Homemaker? - Amaar, it's my birthday.
Oh, God, it's your birthday, of course.
Happy birthday, honey! Hmm, it's too late to make a reservation Yeah, it is.
[ sigh of Amaar .]
- So what now? - Uh now, I apologize, and I promise to make it up to you tomorrow night when we go to Chez Poupon, - your favourite.
- And tonight? Tonight I'm gonna give you one of my famous foot massages.
Your office is so nice, Glenda.
I can't put my finger on it, but there's something oddly familiar about it.
- It's soothing, isn't it? - Yeah! Well, what have you got for me, new girl? Well, the way I see it, Darnley is ripe for growth in a number of different areas: environmental leadership, education and small businesses.
How do you plan to attract new residents? And can you promote the new outdoor mall and its new recycling program? [ laughing .]
Yes, yes, it also has a new daycare centre.
- It's a hit on all three fronts.
- Fantastic! How about those teacup poodles, eh? - That's a bit of a misnomer.
- Excuse me? I tried to fit my poodle in my teacup - It was a disaster.
- Oh Can we just get back to my ideas? Oh, I thought we were finished with those.
I thought we had moved on to my teacup, my poodle, me! I'm sure your dog is adorable.
- Was adorable actually.
- Oh Um, well, can we take a look at my new office? What a terrific idea! There you go! Fit for a queen! Ah, it's certainly cozy.
Well, it's my firm belief that you can be more efficient In here away from the distractions of huge chunks of space.
So, this is permanent? And exclusive.
Just like the job.
- Ah! - Poor, poor stupid Ann To have ever let you go 'cause I can see that you are going To take this city right into the 21st century.
Well, we're already in the 21st century.
Oh, shut your gob and start swivelling that chair right down to a bum-pleasing height.
[ knocking .]
[ moaning .]
What's that psychotic light? Make it stop, Sarah.
Bad time to talk about next week's holiday parade? Thought I'd do a little story on it.
OK, keep your voice down, it's echoing inside my skull.
What? - What have you been up to? - I don't know! - Wo! - Nothing.
Have you seen Sarah? What am I gonna do? You see Sarah used to run Well, she just made things better for me.
- Really? - No, no, no.
No, she didn't run anything, she just played a huge role in the leadership of all things related to my job.
She now works for my worst best friend.
How interesting [ Fred snickering .]
Fred, would you be so kind as to point me at the direction of my purse? It's right there, Mayor Mix-drink-a-lot.
What is this doing here? Oh, Yusuf Islam's CD, it's gonna be seven dollars.
Seven dollars? It was a gift from me! It cost me 30 euros plus shipping.
I got it from an Italian deli.
Buyer beware.
Look, there's no Cat Stevens' songs on it, so it's gotta go.
Oh, and I see you're also selling the knitty dickey that I made for you.
Yes, I am.
Look, didn't go with anything.
It's beautiful, you ungrateful monster! Hold on, wait.
Is that the abacus I gave you so you could count all the times Amaar stole your job? - I do that with my fingers.
- And Christianity for Dummies? I gave this to you for your birthday! I already knew Christianity was for dummies! Who needs to read a whole book about it? Mark my words, I will sell every last piece of junk you ever gave me.
Actually, I can't mark your words.
Want to know why? 'Cause I am going to sell the PEN that you gave me.
Game on.
RAYYAN: So, as I was saying, - This guy came into the clinic - One second.
Hello? Yeah! No, I know we spoke yesterday, but I still need the paperwork.
OK, we can be reasonable about this.
Thank you, bye-bye.
So, today, this elderly [ cell phone ringing .]
Hang on one second.
Hello? Yeah, no, no, but I do still need the permit, OK? There should be no confusion About this.
We gotta get this fixed.
Well, this isn't how I envisioned my birthday dinner going.
OK, thank you.
So [ cell phone ringing .]
- Amaar! - It's an e-mail.
OK Thank you.
Oh! Hang on! I think my wife just went to the powder room.
Yeah, probably the one at your house.
What? Can I get this to go? FRED: Up next, the scintillating story about Mercy's own mayor.
Stay tuned.
Fatima, turn it up, turn it up.
Fred's gonna do a piece on me.
I'm going to be on the radio, everyone.
[ radio station jingle .]
I just find it ironic that I lose my PR rep, - and I'm getting more press.
- FRED: It's time for a segment I call: Gritty's Dirt Dish.
Folks, here's the tale of a befuddled mayor, our very own Ann "pork barrel" Popowicz whose former PR consultant, Sarah, a freelancer for the love of Pete, was the true leader of the community.
Perpetually guiding her hung over and irresponsible boss through a minefield of flubs, gaffes, and ineptitude.
- Turn it down, turn it down.
Excuse me, Glenda.
It's 8:30, and we didn't get the chance to go over some of my other ideas, so I'm just gonna head home.
Oh no! I need you to do something very important for me first.
Really? That's great! I mean, it's a little bit late now, so maybe we can start it tomorrow? Sort these.
- Sort candy? - Yeah, by colour obviously because, I mean, they're already all the same size.
Oh, good one, Glenda.
Oh, imagine anyone doing that in the mayor's office.
I don't have to imagine it, do I, because that's what you're gonna do, and then you're going to transcribe it.
What do you mean? I've been taping you on the nanny cam all day, so I want you to look at those tapes and then write down everything you see.
You've been taping me? Isn't that a violation of my rights!? Rights "schmytes".
What are we? In prison? Uh, yeah, kinda.
Look, Glenda, this is not working.
We need to revisit my contract.
And I think you need to revisit your office! Come on! Let's get sorting! Am I speaking solely!? Am I whispering!? Can you hear me? Go! I'm going, I'm sorry.
SARAH: I think I need a lawyer.
[ door slamming .]
Good morning.
- Salaam walaikum, Rayyan.
- Walaikum assalaam.
And I only say that because I'm obligated to reply as a Muslim.
- That's sweet.
- You didn't come to bed last night.
Well, uh, I didn't think I was welcome after you ditched me - At the restaurant.
- Well, can you blame me? - That was pretty awful! - You know what's pretty awful? Is me having to hitchhike from Chez Poupon with two large takeout bags in a truck full of death row pigs.
- It's a 20-minute drive.
- Felt more like 20 hours with stinky pigs! Look, I'm sorry you're upset.
That's not an apology.
I don't have time, I'll talk to you when I get home from work.
[ door slamming .]
No apology for me, I guess! Can I interest you in a gently-used harmonica? Prff! I'm gonna outsell you like a banana salesman at a monkey stampede.
You smell like a monkey stampede.
Your face is a monkey stampede.
I'm going to beat you like uncle Bunder beat our mule.
- Parcheesi, is it fun? - Fun does not have enough letters to describe how fun Parcheesi is.
It is a spectacular game! I've played it many times with the rev someone who is of little or no importance to me.
- Two dollars sounds like a good deal, so - There's been a mistake.
There's a zero missing.
Ha! Ha! are you running here? Thank you for browsing.
- How are you? - Fine.
And you? - Fine, never better.
- Good.
- Great.
- How's the new job? - Oh, it's fantastic! - Wonderful! - I should - head back there right now.
- Oh, that's good - Because I've hired someone else.
- What? Yes, he's wonderful.
Best PR consultant I've ever had.
Well, Glenda is awesome! Best boss ever! - Fantastic! - Yeah! I should head back to Darnley right now 'cause I have to watch some very important footage of myself.
- Toodles.
- Tata! - So - Go away.
You know, maybe I oughta do a piece on Sarah as to the part deux on our deadbeat mayor, huh? [ throat clearing .]
Anywho, my listeners want to know about the real you.
Is it true your third husband was a pagan? - Checkers! - Yeah, it's a great game.
- Yeah.
- Some people think it's the layman's chess, but no, this is the game of champions.
Ha! Ha! You know? your little brown opponent in a battle of the wits.
- My four-year-old will love it.
- Excuse me? OK, checkers is a sport for men.
- Ah, it's a game for kids.
- No, no.
Not for sale.
What? It's not for kids.
[ woman whimpering .]
Could you keep it down in there? I'm trying to write my memoirs, The Darnley Diaries.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't get mucus on my files! Here! Good Lord! Your entire face is leaking.
What is it? - It's Ann.
- Ann? - She replaced me! - That was fast.
She says he's the best PR guy she's ever had! - Is that so? - Technically, he's the only PR guy she's ever had 'cause I'm a woman, - But I don't think that's what - Ssh! Ssh! Ssh! There's somebody better than you? - That's not possible.
- Thank you, Glenda.
I really needed to talk about this.
Oh, let it all out, sweetie, and then pack up your stuff.
You're fired.
Walaikum assalaam.
- Ah, what a day! - Oh, rough? Yeah, I was in a bad mood, and that kinda affected everything, but it's out of my system now, so I'm ready to talk to you rationally.
Yeah, I was upset, but I'm OK too, now.
Why were you upset? Guilt? Ah no.
Actually, I was disappointed I didn't get an apology from you.
What? But I'm glad we're past that now.
And what were you expecting an apology for? - Well, you did leave me at the restaurant.
- Because you were on the phone.
For work.
You know, work! Being productive.
I am starting a new mosque.
So, that gives you an excuse to be rude to me? I may have been a little rude, but you "out-rudded" me.
That wouldn't have happened if you got off the phone for five minutes on my birthday! Technically, it wasn't your birthday! And technically, you forgot my birthday.
I really should have known that.
So many good times with these games.
Yes! It's only fitting that we play another round of each of them.
Yes, it would be a shame to not say farewell to them properly.
Exactly! It's too bad we didn't sell more At the rummage sale.
Probably because you undersold the used trophies.
Me? Yeah! That's rich coming from a guy who couldn't even move the Squirt Bees.
I would like to see you go and sell a Freaky-fuzzy-toilet squirts without tears.
- Yah.
Saddest toy in the world.
- Hm That was fast.
Will you please just let me explain why I was working through our dinner? So, I was texting and calling our primary mosque donors and their lawyers, who had called my lawyers, who had called me, who wanted me to call the donors back No, I get it: you were talking to a bunch of people who aren't me.
Because I wanted to name the mosque: Masjid al Rayyan after my beautiful wife and Rayyan, the gates of heaven, of course, but mostly after my beautiful wife.
Well, that's pretty sweet.
But, uh the donors insisted we use their names.
- So, what's the name gonna be? - Well, our donors' names are Mussa and Annas.
Mussa Annas Mosque? You know how people will pronounce that? - Yes, I do.
- Say it out loud.
No, I already did, and let me assure you "Mussannas" Mosque.
- Sounds Canadian? - You need to call, text, e- mail, do whatever you gotta do, 'cause that's got to change.
"Mussannas" Mosque, really? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ah What does my "ex-besty- poopy-pants" want now? Listen, dummy.
Glenda always wants what I have especially if it's truly amazing.
I couldn't invite you to lunch, she'd see how brilliant you are.
Oh, Ann, really? And when she stole you from me, I couldn't say I wanted you back.
She'd just dig her acrylic nails in deeper.
So this whole time, you were pushing me away just to keep me close? Yes, except I wouldn't make it sound quite so cheesy.
And then you hired that PR guy to tempt Glenda? - And the old hag took the bait.
- Aren't you the same age? Shut up, Sarah, I'm trying to appreciate you.
Wow, Ann, that's a really convoluted plan.
How did you come up with that one? - Vodka.
- Ah, so who is this PR guy you found? - You good, Yousef? - Yes, good.
Good.
No! Not eating, sorting.
Sorting! No, throw it away! Toss! Toss it away! Sorting.
Subtitle by: Kiasuseven