M*A*S*H (MASH) s06e08 Episode Script

Sir.
Corporal Klinger reporting as ordered, sir.
Yeah, I've signed about four miles of paperwork.
- Get it started to Seoul.
- Right away, sir.
Give those mice at Headquarters something to nibble on.
And l Klinger, you're out of uniform.
I mean, uh, you're in uniform.
- Yes, sir.
- Was it something I said? - No, sir.
- Listen, if it's about that backless green sheath you wore on Friday, I only criticized it because it was too tight.
- That's all behind me, sir.
- It certainly was.
I sort of grew up over the weekend, sir.
I realized I love army life, and I wanna be a success at it, sir.
- And this is a way to start, sir.
- Klinger.
- This is another Section Eight caper, right? - No, sir.
We've staggered down this road before.
You've got a razzle-dazzle going.
- Wrong, sir, respectfully.
- I'm gonna love this one.
- It's got a lot of reverse topspin.
- [Phone Ringing.]
Corporal Klinger.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir! - Headquarters, Colonel Abrams.
- Hi, Mike.
What's the poop? Tomorrow, huh? What? Yeah, sure.
Perimeter roadblocks.
M.
P.
s will oversee it.
Okay, we'll cooperate.
Adios.
All right, General Gung Ho.
We got a job.
Headquarters is gonna issue new military money.
- We're exchanging scrip again, sir? - Got to.
Only way to cross up the counterfeiters and the black marketeers.
Therefore, this base will be closed to all traffic, in or out starting 1600 hours tomorrow.
- No exceptions.
Comprende? - Si, si, sir.
I better make an announcement.
Give everybody time to dig out their old blue money and exchange it for red.
After tomorrow, blue will be outdated.
Worth zilch! Permission to take a ten-minute break, sir.
- Granted.
Why? - I'd like to get in some close order drill before lunch.
- Ten-hut! - [Heels Click.]
About face! Forward, march! Hep, ho, hep, ho It's gotta be a caper.
- 120 / 60.
- Is that good, Doc? Better than mine.
For your condition, you're in great condition.
Excuse me, sir.
I'd like to talk to that man.
Sarge, if you wanna arrest that guy, you're gonna have to wait six weeks.
- No, sir.
He's a buddy of mine.
- Then go ahead.
- How ya feelin', Boone? - [Chuckles.]
All in one piece.
Nurses told me they had you on that operating table for quite a while.
He was a good boy.
He slept through the whole thing.
And while he slept, we discovered shrapnel on his property.
Attention, all personnel.
This is Colonel Potter.
- Prove it.
- Tomorrow we'll be issued new army money.
Red for blue.
Have all your old scrip ready for the exchange or the only place you'll be able to use it is in the latrine.
He's not talking to me.
I lost all my money in the cockroach races.
- I told you to stay away from the track.
- How could I? It's in my bunk! Hey, Maxwell.
I got 400 I won in a crap game.
Could you exchange it for me? I'm kinda laid up.
Oh, in that case, sure.
I appreciate what you gentlemen did for him.
By the way, my name is Maxwell.
If there's anything I can do for you, let me know.
How about arresting this war for disturbing the peace? That is very nice, Mr.
Kim.
My compliments to your talented fingers.
I tailoring very goodly for Winchester sansen.
[Chuckling.]
Goodly, indeed.
Coat fits good over shoulder.
Pants fit cute over tushy.
- That's terribly colorful, Mr.
Kim.
- Roger Wilcox.
Thirty-six bucks.
You pay now.
Mr.
Kim, I have an idea that will mean much more money than that for the both of us.
- I have a proposition.
- Thirty-three bucks.
Mr.
Kim, listen.
Tomorrow the army is calling in old scrip.
Ah, yeah.
Red for blue.
That news all over town.
That scrip is meant only for military personnel.
It's not meant for your people.
However, I'm prepared to overlook that.
- In fact, I am prepared to help them.
- What kind of help? Tomorrow, Mr.
Kim, we buy up from your people all the old scrip before the deadline not quite at face value.
- How much not quite? - Ten cents on the dollar.
- Savvy? - I savvy.
Ninety percent profit for you.
Two percent of that is for you, Mr.
Kim.
Oh, you big sport.
Thirty bucks.
Mr.
Kim, I need your help.
Why you do this? You loaded American.
Buy tailor-made clothes.
Please, 29 bucks.
Mr.
Kim! It's not the money.
It's the hunt.
It's the challenge of scenting the spoor of opportunity and tracking it down.
Besides, we're merely acting as business agents for your people.
They're not allowed on the base.
After tomorrow, the old scrip is worthless.
We're doing them a big favor.
Mr.
Kim honest man.
No can make phony baloney with my people.
Please, $28.
Mr.
Kim, it is either a check now that may take the rest of the war to clear or cash tomorrow if you help with my little plan.
What time we leave tomorrow? I think I got a counterfeit bill.
Looks legit to me.
A perfect likeness of Mao Tse-tung.
I don't know.
"In Buddha we trust"? - Ah, Mr.
Kim.
- Of Hart, Schaffner and Kim.
Hawkeye sansen.
B.
J.
Sansen.
Are you adding to the Winchester wardrobe? I add to his wardrobe, but he no add to my pocket.
- He didn't pay you? - He only pay me compliment.
Holding money back until I help him with big deal.
- What's the big deal? - All around my village, they got old money.
He make me take him tomorrow.
Buy one dollar scrip from people and pay only ten cents.
- You, uh - Yeah.
Hang on, Mr.
Kim.
We'll see what we can do.
Mr.
Kim very grateful.
Dress shirt in it for both of you.
- How about that? - Charles is just what this place needs - a robber baron who makes house calls.
- It's greed.
- He's a greedy fink.
- We need a way to sink that fink.
Where'd you get all this money, kid? Nine straight passes.
Then someone rolled a grenade in the game, and we all crapped out.
- Well, this will all be new scrip tomorrow.
Gotta run.
- [Chuckles.]
Sergeant, we'd like to take you up on that favor.
- Name it.
- We want you to play a game of cops and robbers tomorrow.
- We'll supply the robber.
- Where? - A couple of miles out of camp.
- Well, what time? - About 1500, 1600 hours.
- Give or take a hundred hours.
Ah, sorry, guys.
I can't.
I gotta be here to exchange Boone's scrip.
Tell you what.
You do us our favor, and we'll do you his favor.
- We love to exchange favors.
- Okay with you, Boone? I guess so.
I trusted them with my life.
You got a deal.
- May I join you, Father? - Mm, of course.
I want to pay you the money I owe you.
Oh, w-well, sit right here.
Thanks.
And bless you for an honest woman.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, uh, don't you owe me another 10? - No.
- Oops! Sorry.
[Chuckles.]
They were stuck together.
- Ah, shearing the flock again, Father? - Yes.
And I was one of the lambs.
He clipped me for 23 bucks.
[Laughs.]
As a matter of fact, she was holding a straight and tried to sandbag me.
I had a full house.
But it's all worthwhile, mind you.
For the children's Christmas fund.
I can see it now.
Father Mulcahy, Bishop of Las Vegas.
- [Laughing.]
- Ah, look who's here.
- Oh, hi, Colonel.
- Hello, Colonel.
- You'll never believe what I'm gonna tell you.
- Then why listen? Ha! Pierce, sometimes you can be very amusing.
And then there's now.
- Ah.
Sorry.
- I have an order from Headquarters - to give an entrance examination to West Point - Oh.
To Are you ready for this? Corporal Max Klinger.
- You're right.
I don't believe it.
- West Point? - That's impossible.
- God works in mysterious ways but this is a corker.
By special messenger yet.
Obviously, some Toledo politician has gone wacko! Ah, how time flies.
One day our little brown-eyed girl is running around in a floppy hat and a beard, and the next day she's off to West Point.
He did it.
That brilliant screwball finally did it.
He's getting out of the service by joining the army.
To think that loony bird will be attending the same school that produced MacArthur and my Donald.
- Makes me want to retch.
- Yeah, how could Klinger pick a place like that? - You - I take it back! I take it back! Hep, ho, hep, ho, hep, ho, hep, ho, hep, ho! Detail, halt! - There's "Old Nose and Guts" now.
- Oh, Field Marshal? [Klinger.]
Sir! - You wanted me, sir? - Klinger? Your application to be tested for West Point has been green-lighted.
Excellent, sir.
A plebe at last, sir.
- When do I leave, sir? - As soon as you knock off the "sirs" and pass the test! Child's play for a cadet.
- Congratulations, my boy.
- Thank you, Father.
Klinger, how did you pull it off? It was my Uncle Gus, sir.
- The uncle that got out of World War I as your Aunt Gussie? - Yes, sir.
He's, uh, "good buddies" with a certain congressman.
And catered the St.
Valentine's Day Massacre.
- He's a biggie, sir.
- Connections.
Why is it always connections? Sure.
Uncle Gus calls congressman.
Congressman calls Pentagon.
And voila.
The debutante with the hairy legs becomes a cadet.
All right, Klinger.
Get ready for the exam.
Dismissed.
Yes, sir! Thank you, sir! I think we have a wonderful chance of beating Navy this year, sir.
- More than dismissed! - [Heels Click.]
I'd have thought my horse would have a better chance of getting into West Point.
- On looks alone.
- Probably figured it was easier to get thrown out of West Point than Korea.
Sure.
First exam, he cheats.
They catch him, throw him out, and he's free.
He's not there yet.
They don't just let in any Tom, Dick and Mary.
Imagine, a chance to go to the Point.
Keep your hopes up.
Maybe someday they'll let in women.
- Wouldn't that be wonderful? - Oh, yeah.
It would give a new meaning to "lights out.
" Hey, Zale, where's my money? I'm goin' on "R" and "R.
"' Oh, yeah.
Sure, kid.
Here, hold this.
That's, uh five, 10, 20.
There you go.
Do everything I'll be dreamin' to do.
Hmm.
Wait a second, Zale.
You said double or nothing.
Where's the other 20? - I said double or nothin' to 10.
- Twenty, you welsher! - Ten, you thief! - You wanna hold it down.
We're trying to swallow.
- "Thief"? - Sorry.
Rotten crook! Here.
Eat those words! I'll kill him! I'll kill him! Why do they always start the show during dinner? - Let's stop them before they get hurt.
- I hate the sight of ketchup.
[Shouting.]
- Break it up! - Yes, sir, as soon as I rearrange his teeth! Zale, those who live by the sword shall perish by the sword.
Aw, forget it, Father.
I'm just gonna break the jawbone of an ass! - You take Zsa Zsa.
I'll get Eva.
- Come on.
Come on, come on.
Break it up.
You two palookas are confined to quarters for 48 hours.
- But I'm going on "R" and "R," sir.
- Would you like to try for double or nothing? - No, sir.
- Then hit the showers.
Rest of you, as you were.
Come on! Well, that got us out of dinner, anyway.
Shall we pass up dessert? It's marble cake.
- I didn't bring my chisel.
- Race you to the latrine.
Oh, wait a minute.
That guy's money.
Wait a sec.
Anybody see a canvas bag? Anybody see somebody steal a canvas bag? Anybody ever see a captain chew up a tent? - Charles - Don't bother asking, Pierce.
The answer's still no.
How do you know I'm gonna ask for money again? - Oh.
All right.
What is it? - Can I borrow 400? Pierce, for the last time all my money is tied up in a financial venture.
Give an I.
O.
U.
To your patient but don't penalize me for your gross negligence your bungling carelessness, your stupid I need a loan, not a lecture.
Forget it.
Yeah, he wouldn't take your money if you got on your hands and knees.
Not so fast.
Try me.
I will see you later at the exchange, Pierce if, of course, you don't lose your way.
[Mocking Chuckle.]
Yeah, a fool and his money have just departed.
What am I gonna do? I can't beg, I can't borrow, I can't catch the guy who knows how to steal.
If you're Charles, you just give the patient a bill for 400 and call the whole thing even.
I'm gonna tell Boone the truth.
I better go alone.
There's no sense his beating up the both of us.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Exchange of scrip will begin at 1600 hours.
Bring your cash before it turns to trash.
Come, Mr.
Kim.
We haven't much time.
Just keep my shirt on.
- How ya feeling, Boone? - Better.
Thanks.
Better.
Good.
That's good.
Good.
- Good.
- Everything okay, Doc? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Everything's good.
Very good.
Well, no, not so good.
Uh Duh Actually, it stinks.
Boone, somebody stole your money.
- What? - There was a fight in the Mess Tent.
I turned my back for two seconds, and the bag was gone.
You telling me I'm out 400? No, you're fine.
I'm out 400.
I'll wire my father and have it for you in a couple of days.
Oh, sure.
They're shipping me out tomorrow.
- I'll send it to you.
- Yeah.
And you'll go out of your way to get it to me.
- Right? - That's right.
Yes.
Doc, don't try to con an M.
P.
I've seen scams like this before, and from higher-ranking officers than you! If I weren't flat on my back, you'd be flat on yours.
- Boone, I give you my word - Aw, get out of here, phony! Believe what you want.
You're gonna get that money back, whether you like it or not.
Hawkeye, I heard about the $400, and I am shocked! - Father, he'll get it back.
- I know he will but I'm appalled at this venal breach of one of God's commandments.
I'm going to broadcast an appeal to the conscience of the thief.
Just in case, tell him there's a five-dollar reward in it for him.
[Clears Throat, Blows.]
Attention, all personnel.
[Over P.
A.
.]
Well, uh, not all personnel.
This is Father Mulcahy, addressing the one personnel who stole the money entrusted to Captain Pierce.
You may think you've reaped a profit by this act but as ye sow, so shall ye reap! Robbery itself is a sin but robbery of your comrades-in-arms is an abomination before the Lord and a really dirty trick! - That should do it, Father.
- Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord! - Oh, ye generation of vipers! - I think that did it.
And he who blasphemeth against the Holy Spirit better that man had never been born! - We're a little late, so good night, folks.
- Uh, yes.
Well, uh, bless one and all.
[Switch Clicks.]
Uh, how'd I do? Father, if that guy doesn't return the 400, he's deaf.
Ninety-two, ninety-three ninety-four, ninety-five.
You've only got But I can be generous.
Here is a brand-new, crisp, Yankee ten-dollar bill.
Thank you.
Uh, gentlemen.
With all due respect to your national custom could we all please hold the bowing to a minimum? Just one sort of group bow when I leave.
Thank you very much.
Now, is there anyone I haven't changed? I think Major finish off all people.
Good, because I have to be getting back.
Thank you all, gentlemen, very much.
I hope this little transaction has helped to cement the bonds of friendship between our two great nations.
Very well.
Now you may bow.
- Ha so.
- Ha so.
- Thank you.
Why can't they just shake hands like everybody else? - [Engine Starts.]
- Au revoir.
That G.
I.
Joe your friend? I only make tailoring for him.
May the seat of his pants turn into scorpion.
Corporal Klinger, sir.
Ready to take the West Point exam.
- All right, Klinger.
Sit right there.
- Yes, sir.
Ready! Sit! - Ready, sir.
- This examination will consist of several parts covering general intelligence math, history, geography, world politics the role of the military in national development, and the law.
- I'm kind of weak on law.
- But very strong on getting around it.
You have three hours to complete the questions.
B.
J.
And I will be proctoring you.
I already had my physical, sir! - Ahem! All set? - Oh, yes, sir.
[Clears Throat.]
Okay.
Go.
And good luck.
"Mary's mother sent her to the store "to get nine large cans of beans.
"Mary could only carry two cans at a time.
How many trips to the store did Mary have to make?" - Sir, do I get time for coffee breaks? - Negative.
- You have three hours.
- It'll take most of that to answer this question.
What kind of a family would only feed their children beans? Sorry, Major.
No vehicles beyond this point.
"No vehicles beyond" That's utterly ridiculous! - Well, the road's been mined, sir.
- Now, look here, uh, Sergeant.
I'm with the, uh, and I have to get back for a very important operation.
I'm a surgeon.
You see? Well, I've got my orders, sir.
Look, Sergeant.
It is imperative that I rejoin my unit! Sir, the 4077 is over there, just the other side of the hill.
If you start walking, you can probably be there in about an hour.
- I haven't got an hour.
- Then you'd better run, sir.
Don't get impudent with me.
Just trying to be helpful, sir.
This is without a doubt the most inconvenient war in history.
Sir, I don't understand this question.
It's perfectly understandable to me, Klinger.
"Describe the political changes which came about as a result of Napoleon's defeat at the Battle of Waterloo.
" That's an illegal trick question! Klinger, what happened after the Battle of Waterloo? Well, uh, soldiers went home.
The kids were glad to see their fathers.
The wives were glad to see their husbands.
They ate some snails and like that.
- And we thought he didn't know the answer.
- I'm gonna get a drink.
Wheelbarrow lady! - [Speaking Korean.]
- You're sure? - [Speaking Korean.]
- Thank you.
Thank you, little mother.
For your trouble.
Bless you.
"Physical similarities have been noted "between the Eskimos of the Arctic "and Mayan Indians of the Southern Hemisphere.
Give three theories for this 'phenomenum.
"' - Traveling salesmen? - Now I'll have a drink.
Could you give me a little hint? Any help at all.
It's an exam, Klinger.
It's against the rules.
Oh, what kind of a test is this? Math, geography, history.
Why don't they ask me what kind of earrings to wear for an afternoon drill or how to accessorize those drab gray tunics? They save that important stuff till your senior year.
Sir, I'm pleading with you.
Help me get just one thing right.
All right.
I shouldn't do this.
You spell Klinger with one "G.
" Oh.
Thank you, sir.
I was nervous.
- Now, about these Eskimos.
- No dice, kid.
You mean I've washed out? First thing you got right all day.
[Man Over P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Scrip exchange will begin in one minute.
Proceed in a calm and orderly fashion to the exchange table.
[Shouting.]
[Woman.]
Watch your hands! I got 45 bucks of my own.
At least I can give Boone a down payment.
Cheer up.
You're no worse off than Charles.
- I hope that's one crook we've caught.
- Attention, all personnel.
Scrip exchange is now under way.
No one allowed in or out until exchange is completed.
- [Whistle Blows.]
- Halt! "Halt"? What do you mean? What do you mean, "Halt"? "Halt," as in "stop," sir! - I-I'm coming in immediately.
- Belay that, sir! No one allowed aboard till further notice.
Orders from the bridge, sir! - "Bridge"? - Aye, aye, sir.
I Nonsense! What are you doing in a hat? I expect to be a midshipman at Annapolis very soon, sir.
I think we have a wonderful chance to beat Army this year.
Get out of the way, Popeye! Permission to come aboard denied, sir! I've got to exchange all this! - You can deep-six it, sir.
- Pierce, Hunnicutt will you tell this saltwater daffy to let me in! Sorry, his job is to keep out the riffraff and the profiteers.
If I don't get in to exchange this, it will all be worthless! Will you gentlemen exchange this for me? Oh, no.
You see, that's against the rules.
Wait a minute.
Maybe we could bend the rules a tad.
- You think so? Well - Let me see what you got.
Uh, those bundles, uh, are bills in hundred-dollar increments.
Okay.
At ten cents on the dollar that comes out to $40 for 400.
- Forty? - That's right.
Boone gets his, and you get yours.
You keep this with our compliments.
Why, this is highway robbery! - Oh, uh, Shore Patrol.
- Aye, aye, sir! Would you take care of this man? He wants to report a crime.
Now, what's your problem, sir? Three fifty, three seventy-five $400 in brand-new scrip, hot off the press.
Boy, I never expected to see this again, or you.
Hey, I'm I'm sorry for what I said, Doc.
I don't blame you.
It's probably my shifty eyes and the white mask I wear.
Hawkeye! The money! It was returned! Somebody left the money in my tent, and in brand-new scrip.
- My speech worked.
- It certainly did, Father.
Look at this.
Another 400 from another thief.
My.
Two atonements, with one speech.
Why don't you keep this, Father.
Take the orphans out for dinner and a show.
Oh, why, thank you, Hawkeye.
My goodness.
It was effective, wasn't it? "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.
" "Oh, ye generation of vipers.
" - There goes a sweet, lovable ham.
- Hawkeye? Perhaps I could broadcast every Sunday.
- Yes.
A commandment a week! - I wonder if thou shouldst.
Well, it was just a thought.