Rick and Morty (2013) s06e08 Episode Script

1
I I can't hold them off, Rick!
Th-There's too many!
- [GRUNTS]
- Richard!
Your fortress is a salty
waste of coral and clam.
Relinquish it at once!
Aah!
♪
Submit, you continental cunt.
- Aah!
- Got a better idea.
- [ALARM BLARING]
- Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Aah!
Aah!
- Happy?
- Of course I'm happy.
You're acting like you won,
but this is exactly what I wanted!
I am Mr. Nimbus!
Ugh, whatever.
- Come on, Morty.
- Man, that was intense.
Yeah, ni[BURPS]ce work, buddy.
Sorry I had to blow up your bunker.
Not so fast, Sanchez.
It is I, Cookie Magneto.
What the fuck?
I'm I'm not engaging this guy.
That's hardly up to you, Rick.
I'm sorry, do you control things
that people agree are cookies?
- Yes.
- Okay, but cookies aren't a substance.
They're more of a name
we we give to
To the things I control.
Do you control cookie ingredients?
Because, y'know, t-that
sounds dangerous.
Y'know, everything has sugar in it.
Fight me and find
Aah!
- Jesus, Rick!
- I'm sorry, Morty.
I know you're gonna say it's
punching down, but I can't fight
another one of these '90s-style
goofball super villains.
I'm not the fucking Tick.
I'm I'm exhausted.
Okay, but i-if you really have a lot
of these guys gunning for you,
maybe you should look into
what you're doing to
Oh, don't start that crap, Morty.
I don't do anything for these
dipshits to seek me out.
I am Mr. Calypso!
Face me, you ugly, drunk,
ugly piece of shit.
Okay, I might look into it.
♪
♪
♪
Why don't you have a seat?
'Cause this isn't a therapy session.
I-I'm just asking you what
people in your racket say
about handling this
particular situation.
First, we'd want you to
define the situation.
I'm a walking target for a
never-ending sea of angry nerds
that think getting in a fight
with me is some kind of
I don't know, platform?
I mean, look at this guy.
He shows up and calls
me an "ugly drunk."
Because, of course,
that's the angle of attack
that's gonna undo me, right?
You don't shoot Batman in
his fucking Batman logo.
And you think locking
this man in a chamber
and milking him of cosmic fluid
will somehow resolve this?
I think it's the best I can do
to profit from a situation
and maybe set an example.
But you've set this example many times
and it's not changing your situation.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and now you're
gonna tell me to ignore them.
But guess what? They want that too.
And why would they want to be ignored?
You really believe if I let a guy
like this do whatever he wants,
he gets bored and vanishes?
Rick, would you be interested
in proving me wrong?
- Yes!
- Then show me data.
Ignore them for a week
and see what happens.
[CHUCKLES] You're on, bitch.
Is that man dead?
Is everything in here confidential?
- Everything but murder.
- Then he's fine.
I mean, I-I think it's
pretty big, you know?
Big step for the big cheese.
- Yeah, Dad, I'm impressed.
- Can we not make it a big deal?
It's worth celebrating, Rick.
You accepted the concept of therapy
without turning yourself
into a pickle or a housefly.
Jerry, for fuck's sake,
that was a regular fly
in her office that day.
- What the hell?
- Riiick!
How 'bout a little piss?
Rick, why is there a man
shooting piss on our front lawn?
- I'm sure he'll tell you.
- I am Pissmaster!
Here to flush the toilet
that is Rick Sanchez.
He's spraying my lavender bush.
My bees need that lavender!
Remember five seconds ago
when you guys were stoked
about me changing
because it made you feel superior?
Ooh, whole family's here.
Who's that redhead?
Wouldn't mind spraying
her with a golden shower.
Oh, my God, what?
- Hey!
- Okay, that's it!
Jerry, please think about this.
If you fight this guy, I'm either
an asshole for not helping
or an asshole for helping.
My daughter just got spoken
of in porno terms,
and I'll respond how I choose!
- Wait, Dad, don't!
- Honey!
Hey.
You want a piece of piss?
If that's your stupid rude way
of saying I have to fight you, I will.
Take your shot, pussy.
Don't talk to me that way. Go away!
- Make me.
- Go away!
Ow!
Careful, honey!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Just stay down.
- I I don't even know you.
- Yeah, you don't know me.
But I'm gonna know your
whole ass, you son of a gun.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
- Hey, none of that!
- Break it up, guys!
[BOTH CONTINUE GRUNTING]
Come on, you dirty motherfucker.
[GRUNTING CONTINUES]
No! No, no, no, no no!
Stop! Aah!
Uncle! Mercy! Mercy!
Stop! I give up!
Apologize to my daughter.
[CRYING] For what?
- You know for what!
- I'm sorry!
I'm sorry I sexualized you!
It came out wrong!
[SOBBING]
That's my dad. That's my fucking dad!
[APPLAUSE]
Honey, I'm so proud of you.
- Ow!
- Oh, sorry.
Thank you, Rick.
Damn, hashtag #FlamingoDad
is everywhere!
Buzzfeed made an odd numbered list
of other people's
observations about you,
and you're getting a
lot of hand clap emojis
on White Twitter's impression
of Black Twitter.
Jezebel's offering a cash reward
for evidence that you're a bad person.
That is their highest honor!
So this is what it's like to trend.
Feels good. Feels right.
Just keep in mind, now
a bunch more assholes
are gonna know they can
get a rise out of you.
- BOTH: Boooo!
- Rick, let a dog have one day.
I'm letting! I'm letting!
[WHOOSHING]
Whoa. Are those orbs?
This is what I'm talking about.
Some asshole saw that
fight and, believe it not,
they were jealous of Pissmaster.
♪
I am Blagnar the Eternal.
We seek the earthling
who beat up Pissmaster.
That's my dad, Jerry Smith!
Jerry Smith.
Our Galactic Orbship thirsts for justice
- and those who deliver it.
- Wait, what?
Our great council would like
to offer you this silver orb
and with it a place amongst us.
Whoa. It It It's sticky.
Yeah, that means it's found a
pure heart it wants to bond with.
Y-You guys saw my
son-in-law on the news,
now he gets a sticky orb.
What's the catch? We're not rubes.
Yeah, your power is well known in
our jurisdiction, Rick Sanchez,
and it should come as no surprise
that our orbs are unsticky for you.
Oh, no, first I get banned
from the Nextdoor app,
- now this.
- [CHUCKLES]
I'd be honored to join
your organization.
S-So what do I do? Rub
the orb when I see crime?
Or Or eat the orb like spinach?
The orb is raw power.
Trust your heart, Jerry.
It will know what to do.
[STRAINING]
[MICROWAVE WHIRRING]
Did you turn on the microwave?
No? Maybe? I
I was trying to fly. I
- What?
- I mean, come on, Rick.
Orbs and goblets, this is your thing.
Orbs and goblets.
I'm just saying, you're
the orb guy in the family.
Can you please help me?
Jerry, I give you raw power,
you'll end up miserable like me.
Trust me, I'm helping by not helping.
- Wow.
- Seriously, Rick?
What the eff, Grandpa?
Some creep tried to pee on
my tits and you did nothing.
Now you're gonna sit there and hold
our dad back from being a hero?
- Are you seriously that petty?
- Okay, you know what? Fine!
Here. Here's your goddamn suit.
I hard-wired the orb's
infinite energy right into it.
This shooty-thing looks cool.
That "shooty thing"
is a nuclear disruptor
- that can blow up planets.
- Whoa.
- So tight.
- Kinda hot.
Okay, show me, uh
acts of evil happening
around the galaxy.
Whoa, Space Hitlers?
"Space Hitlers are convening
on Zeplar Prime."
My God, each one of them
is their own type of Hitler.
- Yeah, th-that's a problem.
- Oh, shit, do that one.
- Aw, you guys.
- That's my parents.
Wow. Well, family,
looks like Jerry Smith
has his first orb mission.
Lawn Flaming-Ho!
Just a reminder, you
guys asked for this.
Soon, our legion of Hitlers will
bring about a new galactic order.
- A Reich, if you will.
- Riddle Hitler me this
I'm sorry, are we just
letting in all Hitlers now?
Auf wiedersehen, bad guys!
- Exterminate him!
- Ow! Shit! Oh, Jesus.
One at a time!
Ah, oh, my God!
[EXPLOSION]
Uh, hope there weren't
other people on that planet.
And there were no other
people on the planet!
Only Hitlers!
Each one ready to start
their own holocaust,
meaning an estimated 30
billion lives were saved
by a single blast.
And the galaxy owes
it all to Jerry Smith.
Hashtag #FlamingoDad.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Up next Oh, actually nothing.
I guess we're just gonna talk
about Jerry Smith some more.
I dunno, therapy is starting
to feel hopeless.
I've got so many issues!
Aah!
We need to talk.
Hey. No.
I will not speak with you
if you refuse to treat me and
my patients with respect.
[BUZZING]
Oh, Lord. I was a fly!
So unburdened, so free of shame!
Welp, I'm officially cured!
Here. Here's your data.
Hard proof that God hates me.
I ignored a troll, and
Jerry beat the guy's ass.
Now he's got this orb and
he's using the power
which I gave him to annihilate
planets of Hitlers,
and everyone's popping champagne.
Rick, you came here because
you wanted things to change,
and they're changing.
It's working.
Oh, so if my bumbling
moron of a son-in-law
beats up people, it's "working."
But if I do it, it's a cosmic
abuse of power?
Rick, listen to yourself.
You're complaining about
how you have to be careful
with your immense power
and that Hitlers are dead.
Everything you're
describing is positive.
Oh, shit. Not reacting.
That really is the kill move?
I don't know if you need to think
about it in terms of murder,
but, yes, just stay the course.
Okay, good good talk.
Well, what you're describing is therapy,
and if you'd like to keep receiving it,
start scheduling your
visits with Judy up front.
Thank you, thank you, Flamingo Fam.
Uh, you know, when they asked me
if I wanted to be the first human
to drive a Mitsubishi Space Lancer,
I thought, "Well, I don't know.
I got this cool orb suit
that goes really fast."
But you know what sold me?
[ALARM DISENGAGES]
The Council said I could
pick my own bridge crew.
Morty, Summer, Beth,
- what do you say?
- What?
- Are you serious?
- Oh, shit, yeah, I love Mitsubishi!
- Me too! I-I've heard of them!
- This is so exciting!
Oh, my God! This is so cool!
All right, gang, orbs away!
[APPLAUSE]
O me o' my, can it be?
A giant piece of shit I see?
I am Mr. Stringbean!
No one resists my rhyming scheme!
Hey, douchebag, why don't you chill out?
- Who's this asshole?
- I am Doctor Buckles!
Here to tighten the
belt on your opinions!
Oh, you wanna see the Bean get mean?
Aah!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
I'll be damned. I'm out.
I'm out.
I'm I'm out.
Oh, my God, this Piss Guy
is getting wailed on.
Oh! Look at him, he tried to crawl
under the car! What a loser.
- Hey, you watching the Pissmaster video?
- Yeah.
He has to be the biggest piece
of shit in the galaxy, right?
Oh-ho, without a doubt.
Who could relate, being that
much of a piece of shit?
♪
[BOTTLES CLATTER]
♪
♪
[DOORBELL DINGING]
♪
God damn it.
[GRUNTS] Fuck, shit, come on, man.
Fuck, come on, where is it?
Shit, shit.
Ugh! Fuck!
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
Come on, Pissmaster, come on.
Aah!
[SPUTTERING]
Damn it.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
[DOORBELL DINGS, KNOCKING]
It's me.
[SIGHS] Please, please
just open up. Dad?
Mom told me you weren't
responding to her calls
and I'm worried, okay?
I know I said terrible things
about you on my podcast.
It's just I've been
so frustrated with you.
[VOICE BREAKING] Look, if you
were to ever do something,
I'd never stop blaming myself.
Just, please. Please let
me know you're okay.
God damn it.
I'm okay, honey. We're good.
I thought something happened to you.
I can tell you for sure
if anything happens to me,
it's 100% not on you.
It's my own choice.
You still sound like you're
gonna do something bad.
Just promise you won't, okay?
- Okay, yeah. Promise.
- Love you, Dad.
Fuck.
PISSMASTER: Well, this is it.
I'm killing myself
because of Jerry Smith.
The Earth man. FlamingoDad.
Seeing them all cheer
as I got my ass whipped
made me realize people
just wanna see me fail.
All I've ever wanted to
do is prove them wrong.
♪
[CLANGING]
♪
[SCREAMING]
Help!
Wait! Who are you?
Pissmaster.
M-Make, make sure you tell
everybody Pissmaster saved you.
Those were heat-seeking
pissiles by the way.
- Not just missiles.
- Oh, ugh, okay.
Y'all ready for piss? ♪
Yo! Pissmaster!
You saving that cat to make
people forget you suck?
Nope, just saving it to save it.
Okay, we got nothing.
- Piss ♪
-
-
- Pee ♪
-
- Urine ♪
-
- Number one ♪
-
- Pee pee ♪
Piss ♪
- Pee ♪
- Look, it's Pissmaster!
[COMPUTER CHIMES]
Dr. Wong, what's up?
Rick, you're late for your session.
- Cancel it. Bill me. I'm good.
- You're good?
RICK: Yeah, see, I put
on the suit of my enemy
and I fucking love it.
Now I'm gonna make a giant
bomb, plant it in a city,
and then have his suit auto-pilot
the bomb into space.
Boom. Everyone will think
Pissmaster sacrificed himself.
He dies a hero, I get a win
I'd otherwise never get myself,
nice wet bow on top.
I'm tempted to second
guess a lot of that,
but I think you might be nailing it.
- What?
- If it's free and fun, do it.
It sounds healthy.
Oh, that wasn't my goal,
but good to know.
Shit, gotta go.
♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
No, exactly. And the slave planet thing,
I hear he broke their chains
with pure urine, so
[SHIP WHIRRING]
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late,
- lot of traffic on the orbway.
- Take a seat, Jerry.
We were just discussing
Pissmaster's honorable rise.
I mean, who cares, right?
Uh, people are talking about him.
He's becoming likable. Good, even.
- But he's Pissmaster.
- People change, Jerry.
Everyone loves a comeback story.
- [ALL MUTTERING]
- All in favor of offering orbship
to Eugene Michael Piss, aka Pissmaster?
- TOGETHER: Orb-yes.
- All those opposed?
- Obviously orb-no.
- The orbship has spoken.
You know what, Jerry? I think
this is a good test for you.
If you can't let go of your pettiness
enough to recruit Pissmaster,
maybe you don't deserve your orb.
And, Jerry don't come
back without him.
REPORTER: Absolute chaos!
No one knows who planted the bomb,
but one thing is clear:
Orphan Island, a city populated
entirely by orphans,
now sits on the brink of doom.
The Orphan Island bomb squad is
trying to dismantle it as we speak.
- [TIMER BEEPING]
- I can't stress enough,
I'm eight years old, I have
no idea what I'm doing!
Look! It's Pissmaster!
Oh, no! There's no time to dismantle it!
Come on, it's not safe here.
- Whoa, oh, oh!
- Whoo-hoo!
Pisspop? Pisspop? Pisspop?
- Pissmaster.
- Jerry, what are you doing here?
[SIGHS] Eugene Michael Piss,
by decree of the Andromeda strain,
our great council presents
you with this orb,
which you have to take.
Fuck off, Jerry, I'm in
the middle of something.
Excuse me? Hey, this is the greatest
honor you could ever be given.
- I don't want it!
- Well, you have to take it.
Jesus Christ, get the fuck out of here!
♪
He's flying it into space!
He's gonna sacrifice himself!
Get back here, you ungrateful shit!
What is your problem?! You're
screwing up my hero death!
- Good!
- FlamingoDad wants us to blow up?!
When did he become a shitheel?
Life comes at you fast.
- Jesus, Dad! People are filming!
- Yeah, maybe dial it back?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
♪
[GASPS] Rick?
- PissSuit! Auto-pilot the payload!
- PISS A.I.: Confirmed.
[TOILET FLUSHING]
♪
[JERRY SCREAMING]
♪
That's my fucking dad.
[JERRY SCREAMS, GRUNTS]
- Jerry?!
- Dad?! Are you okay?
Your father is the fucking Pissmaster!
- Um
- Grandpa? What the hell?
Jerry, what is this?
People are saying you turned shitheel?
Well, apparently my
father-in-law is Pissmaster,
- so why don't you ask him?
- What the?
Rick Sanchez the Pissmaster?
- Okay, this is not a good look.
- [SIGHS] This family, man.
Look, I don't know what kinda
weird shit you two are pulling,
but it's completely unstickworthy.
- We're done here.
- But I didn't know!
I-I'm a good guy. I
I made you all famous!
I'm 1,000 years old.
You know how many
"Flamingo Dads" I've seen?
Don't orb us.
I don't get it. You You were
Pissmaster the whole time?
Obviously not, Jerry.
I put the suit on once
Pissmaster kill
Uh, when when you made him
Uh, yeah. I-I've always been Pissmaster.
But that would mean you
let my dad beat you up
just so he could, like,
feel more confident?
- Wow.
- Damn, Rick.
- Yeah, that's amazing.
- Hold on, Wh
Everyone's just accepting this?
Wait. Wasn't Pissmaster an alien?
- He obviously avatar'd it.
- Probably a robot.
But why? Why would Rick
even prop me up like that?
Jesus, Jerry. Rick did something
nice for once, okay?
He's obviously trying to change.
MITSUBISHI SHIP: You are no
longer worthy of Mitsubishi.
Proud of you, Dad.
Or should I say: Pissmaster.
Yeah, Grandpa, sorry I yelled at you.
And I guess I'm sorry for trying
to stop you from killing yourself
with a nuclear bomb.
I just really liked having an orb.
Eh. Don't sweat it, Jer.
Piss under the bridge.
Man, I guess the therapy worked, huh?
Opening up, doing all that just
to make my dad feel good.
That's pretty great of you, Rick.
Yeah that's right, Morty.
That's right. Wait, Morty.
You have to promise not to tell anyone,
but your dad made
Pissmaster kill himself.
- Oh, man, what?!
- Yeah, I mean, I found him dead
and I I put on his suit,
but look at this
he literally blames your dad.
Holy shit.
Wait, you kept the suicide note?
That's so messed up!
I know, I mean, I had
to tell someone, Morty.
- I couldn't just sit on that.
- And you expect me to?
Morty, no! What are you doing?!
Aah!
What the hell?! He killed himself?
Jesus, Dad, you should've told us!
- Especially if Jerry murdered him!
- Wait, don't say that,
- I I didn't murder!
- Hey, I I thought it was pretty cool
- that I withheld that information.
- But you didn't withhold it!
- You're walking around with the note!
- Yeah, Grandpa,
you gotta, like, keep it in your
heart as a great sacrifice.
That's the cool move.
I mean, how am I the bad guy?
He sprayed piss on us!
- You You all cheered me on!
- Don't drag us into this.
- A man is dead, Dad.
- Again, wasn't gonna say it,
- but I told you this would happen.
- Get off your high horse.
- Dr. Wong would be so proud.
- Go ahead and boo.
I was breathing piss, you think I care?
Is this what it's like to trend?
This is a nightmare!
I should've just let him
pee on my daughter!
Ew! What the hell, Dad?
♪
♪
♪
How about Jack Miller, aka CarJack?
- He lifted a car off a stranger.
- Eh.
- I guess.
- Next.
- Orb-no.
- We're fresh off a dad
and a piss guy.
Maybe we add someone
that's already powerful?
We have to be realistic
about who we can get.
I have a pitch.
We're not gonna add Scarlett Johansson.
Next up: Mr. Nimbus, lord of the oceans.
Oh, I hear he controls the police.
- Wow.
- The police?
- Orb-yes.
- Ohhh. Guys, I already checked.
His reps say he's really busy right now.
- He just doesn't wanna do it.
- Everyone says that.
Oh, and we're not busy?