Scrubs s06e08 Episode Script

J.
D.
: Not only did I have a long-distance girlfriend who was pregnant, but I still hadn't found an apartment.
So, I was living on my half-acre in a tent.
A haunted tent.
(CLOCK CONTINUES BEEPING) - Stop stealing our power.
- You are ruining our neighborhood! Oh, really, Donna? I'm ruining the neighborhood.
At least I'm quiet.
Were you guys having sex last night or raping a baboon? - I wasn't home last night.
- My bad.
I am gonna beat your ass.
(J.
D.
GROANING) Check out that body.
Bet you'd like to give her a ride, huh? - You betcha.
- Over here, perv.
It's for my retirement, so Enid and I can see the country in luxury.
So it's wheelchair accessible for her, sir? Ted, I'm not retiring for at least three years.
If she's still alive, I'll deal with it then.
Now, take the rest of the day off and get her washed and waxed.
You smell like my mom.
(GROWLING) All right, Mr.
Mariani.
Mazel tov, you are the proud owner of yet another kidney stone! Did you try laying off the red meat, buddy? I'm trying, Doc, but it's hard.
Oh, man, Kim's having her first ultrasound tomorrow.
Wow, there's nothing like that first ultrasound.
Bring tissue.
Are you kidding me? I can't just up and leave.
I gotta find an apartment.
I live in a teepee.
COX: Dorian You have been wrong about so many things that I'm not even going to say something's "wrong" anymore.
Instead, I'm going to say, "It's Dorian.
" And the fact that you'd be willing to skip seeing that child's heartbeat for the first time is just plain Dorian.
I mean, hell, Jordan's having her second ultrasound, and I couldn't be more giddy.
I can't wait to find out the sex of that unborn tax break.
Jordan doesn't let you know the sex until the baby's born.
Dorian again.
I don't know if it's the hormones or if the baby is actually eating the bitch cells, but Jordan has softened.
In fact, last night she She asked me to cuddle.
J.
D.
: Is cuddling bad now? Baby, I need permission to road trip J.
D.
.
To Tacoma so he can see his ultrasound.
Sure.
I think not giving you permission to do this for your friend would be totally Dorian.
J.
D.
: Ow is this spreading so quickly? Gandhi? Did you tell Jordan what I said about her wanting to cuddle? She doesn't like people to know that she actually cares for me.
Relax.
She's pregnant.
What could she possibly do? (GROANING) (COUGHING) Good boy, Jack.
Good boy.
He can't possibly make this my fault, right? Dorian.
Damn it, now I'm doing it.
Be careful, he's going fetal.
J.
D.
: The secret to a great road trip is to get as many people as possible to come along.
- So, are you guys in? - Totally! The last road trip I went on was when my sorority sisters and I went to Tijuana.
So it will be nice to go with people who actually like me.
Why are you always so hard on yourself? Your sorority sisters probably loved you.
Keith, they tried to sell me.
You know, Keith, if the buyer hadn't been an undercover Federale, Elliot would be a slave somewhere, there wouldn't be any uncomfortable sexual tension between us, and you and I would probably be best friends.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Keith! Oh, well, we still can't make it.
We made plans to finally hang out with my grandma.
Oh, Keith, the woman is 96 years old.
There will be plenty of weekends for that.
Road trip! - This way.
- Okay.
You know, you are one special lady, Carla.
It's not every wife that works a full shift, then goes home to change the baby's diapers while her husband and his girlfriend spend the weekend mooning truckers and playing Slug Bug.
- It's not a big deal.
- Oh, but it is.
If you keep letting Gandhi do whatever he pleases whenever he pleases, while you take care of the baby, eventually you're not even gonna have time to shave your legs or groom your face, thus making the most prominent male figure in your daughter's life, you.
Adiós, pickle! As soon as I change out of these clothes, I'm out of here! I'm going.
You're staying.
How'd you do that? Gandhi, I'm great at this stuff.
Don't ever talk to Jordan again.
Road trip! - Where's Chocolate Bear? - Getting to know his daughter.
J.
D.
: I knew that little tan baby would eventually ruin everything.
- Keith, take the front seat, sweetie.
- I can't.
Rowdy needs to see the world.
We need a bigger ride.
(HORN BLARING) Do you guys know where I could find a giant carwash? (J.
D.
EXCLAIMING) All right! I got friends! (HORN PLAYING DIXIE) - Hey, cutie.
- Hey.
Oh, like there's a chance I meant you.
So, you're here for your ultrasound, huh? I can't believe you're gonna let him know the sex, especially when you could - No, that's too mean.
I couldn't do it.
- No, mean's good.
It's I like mean.
You could learn the sex, not tell Perry, hold it over his head and play him like your little bitch-boy.
Perry was so wrong about you.
You're not an idiotic, scalpel-toting, basketball-dribbling, blood-sugar-watching, idiotic man-boy.
Stop.
This thing is awesome! What's with all these kimonos? I don't know, but there is a stripper pole in the back.
Carla's got some serious moves.
She can even do an inverted spread-leg pole spin.
You know, if that's what they're called.
It's not like I took a pole-dancing class or anything.
J.
D.
: Nice cover.
Don't touch the kimonos.
Those are for Dr.
Kelso's various masseuses.
- Ted, who's driving? - Oh, my bad! Maybe I should drive, so we don't all die! No offense, Ted.
None taken.
I wish none of us had to drive.
JONA TAN 3000: We are cruising at a comfortable speed, Dr.
Dorian, and should arrive ahead of schedule.
Could you possibly do me a small favor? Of course, Jonathan 3000.
Could you rub that spot off my dashboard? You got it, pal.
- Oh, yeah.
Just like that.
- All right.
That's the stuff, you bitch.
It can get lonely on the road, even for computers, but this is gonna be great, right? I miss my baby.
We have to go back.
And now, if we slide the wand over here, we'll see if it's a boy or a girl.
Wait.
Change of plans, Per.
Beat it.
No, no, no.
You committed to finding out the sex of the child this time.
Oh, yeah, I am gonna find out the sex, but you're not, unless you work out a routine with Jack for the parent-child dance recital.
Jordan, the boy already lip-synchs into your tampons.
Must we put the final nail in his tiny gay coffin? Mama wants that trophy.
Tell her she can't do this.
I would, but when she looks at me, my insides get all cold.
You're a coward.
You're a coward.
Uh-oh.
Did Jordan change her mind for some strange unexpected reason? (RING TONE PLAYING GUY LOVE) Here, I Here, see if I can't Oh, thanks, man.
That would be awesome.
(WHISTLES) Beardface! Take your foot and go 90-ish.
Yeah, attaboy! Yeah! That was awesome, but un-cool.
He's not answering! Something's wrong with the baby! - I'm telling Elliot to turn around.
- No, no, no.
Carla, darling, everything's fine with the baby, fine with Hey, what's that? Now, I'll let you out when you calm down! Open this door, J.
D.
Let me out! And then I realized that my dad had hugged me at my graduation.
Not with his arms, you know, but with his brain.
Keith! Come and keep me company.
I'm lonely! Hey, you know who else is lonely? My grandma.
No, she's not, Keith.
She's a lesbian in a nursing home full of old ladies.
You do the math.
We could solve both our problems if we could get my grandmother together with your mom.
Excuse me, my mother sleeps with men.
I've seen it! - All right, calm down, mama's boy.
- Bring it on, tall and sexy! Kick his ass, Ted! That's enough! If you guys can't get along, then just sit down and don't talk! Amen to that.
- What are you doing here? - I'll tell you what I wasn't doing here.
I was not taking a nap on company time in Dr.
Kelso's mobile home.
Not this guy.
(GRUNTS) Back to work! - I don't think he knew we were moving.
- Elliot, stop! (TIRES SCREECHING) So, can I stop squeezing out brats or is it another stupid boy? Uh-oh.
Excuse me for a second.
"Uh-oh"? Don't say, "Uh-oh.
" road trip right now.
- There's a little difference between a road trip and a sonogram.
I'm supposed to be on a road trip right now! Follow him! He said, "Uh-oh.
" Okay, let's get you up.
Where'd everyone go? He's fine.
Let's get going.
Look at us! I hurt my ankle.
Ted might have a broken arm and the Janitor is blind! Hey, wait.
No.
Coming back.
Hello! Who's making pancakes? See? He's great and so's Ted.
(SCREAMING) Oh, I think he popped it back into joint.
You guys, Turk told me how amazing it was when he saw Izzy's ultrasound.
I can't miss this.
I just I won't.
Can I say something? I don't know this young man.
I wish I did.
I admire his spirit, and if he says we must continue onward, then I say I am in! J.
D.
: There are a lot of times in life when you just have to take control.
Wait, give me those keys! I'm driving.
Next stop, Kim-town.
Of course, sometimes control is taken away from you.
You have to operate on my baby while it's still in the womb? Well, there's a urinary tract obstruction which could be blocking the amniotic fluid.
We need to place a shunt.
I gotta talk to Jordan.
(RING TONE PLAYING GU Y LO VE) Mickhead, give me my phone! - It's mine.
- Oh, really? Does yours have a picture of Carla in the background? - Yes.
- Trick question.
Mine's got Tyra Banks, see? - Shello! - Baby? I got Turk! J.
D.
: And sometimes you're just not as in control as you think you are.
(EXCLAIMS) That tunnel looks kind of small.
Chill out, Ted.
J.
D.
: Why would they build a tunnel that an RV wouldn't fit through? (CRASING) J.
D.
: Admittedly, the tunnel was more narrow than I thought, but the damage wasn't too bad.
Keith just had to stop accidentally making the "please honk your horn" sign to passing truckers.
(HORN BLARING) - Holy frick on a stick! - I was stretching! Four aces, I win! Now you only got a six of clubs.
I win.
Okay, baby, bye.
There's a problem with Jordan's ultrasound.
This is our best chance to restore normal function and minimize the damage to the lungs.
Fine, but I want to be in there.
You know we can't allow family members in the OR.
You gotta be in there for me.
Don't you see I got a baby strapped to my chest? All right.
Now can you? First of all, I'm not a neonatal surgeon.
Second, you ruined my road trip, and you just gave my baby to Rochelle, the only nurse to get kicked out of the nursery for using a baby as a ventriloquist dummy.
ROCHELLE: (SQUEAKILY) I don't like being spanked.
That's because you haven't found someone who's doing it right! Give me that! What's the matter with you? Gandhi, you'd damn sure want somebody in there if it was your kid.
- (SQUEAKILY) Come on, just do it.
- Knock it off, Rochelle! You guys, there's her hospital.
Keith, wake up, sweetie.
We're here.
Yes! (HORN BLARING) I didn't see a truck! Well, how are you gonna get home? I don't know, I'll rent a car or something.
Go take care of Dr.
Cox.
Tell him Gladys is thinking of him.
He'll know it's me.
Good luck.
Farewell, stranger.
I shall toast you with my heartiest wine.
Maybe he should lie down.
Turkleton, if I let you assist on that surgery, I would be breaking every hospital protocol.
And you know damn well I would never be that inappropriate.
Oh, thanks, sugar-boobs.
Lucky for you, I am a man in need.
Enid asked me to get her tickets to see Al Green for her birthday.
I forgot, now it's sold out.
Can you call him for me? Sir, do you think I know Al Green just because I'm black? Plan B.
Also, lucky for you, Enid has gone blind from glaucoma.
Now, here's what I need.
J.
D.
: In life, it's never easy to know what's waiting for you on the other side of that door.
Surprise.
Oh, my God, J.
D.
! - Come here for a second, come here.
- (CHUCKLING) What Come here so we can see your office.
- Everything is gonna be okay.
- I know.
Jordan, I love you.
J.
D.
: Sometimes you find a moment that knocks you on your ass.
How's our baby doing, huh? J.
D.
, I had a miscarriage.
Other times, it just takes your breath away.
Whoa! Hey.
So, everything went great.
Yeah, Jordan and the baby are fine.
Fair enough.
(TURNS OF TV) - That That's it? - Yep.
Okay, I don't know about you, but when I get great news, I like to show some form of emotion.
Like when I graduated med school, I went all Billy "White Shoes" Johnson.
I'm all, like (GRUNTING) And then when Izzy was born, Tiger Woods arm swing.
(HORN BLARING) Look, you know as well as I do that no kid who has surgery before it's even born is just gonna pop out into the world without any Without any problems.
In three months, it's gonna outgrow that shunt, and we're gonna have to go through this whole thing all over again.
So you're gonna have to excuse me if I'm not celebrating.
Your baby's gonna be fine.
And just how could you be so sure of that? Because that little thing grabbed my finger so tight and wouldn't let go.
Perry, she's strong.
- She? - Yeah, Daddy.
I should have told you earlier.
I just I didn't want to do it on the phone and You okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's It's just It's kind of weird.
There was this thing that I never met.
And now it's gone.
I kind of miss it.
I know.
And I was already kind of looking forward to doing all of those parent things you hear about.
You know, like changing diapers, first steps, playing catch.
Turk was gonna even teach me how to throw like a guy, so Unless it was a girl, then you could just throw like yourself.
Can I ask you something? Were we just staying together 'cause we were having a kid? No.
No, come on.
Come back from this in a couple of months, we're gonna pick up right where we left off.
I mean, I guess it'll be a little more casual.
We probably shouldn't talk, though, unless we're wearing full body condoms.
What if I wasn't coming back because they offered me a permanent position here? Did they? Yeah.
(ANDS OF TIME PLAYING) J.
D.
: We sat there all night and talked about everything.
Ow we felt about each other.
Whether we could handle a long-distance relationship.
Did she ever see herself coming back to Sacred Heart? Would a pizza place deliver to a bench at 3:00 in the morning? They would.
And at the end of it all, we both realized that without a baby in the picture, the best thing to do was to say goodbye, stay friends, and just hope that our paths cross again, someday.
So then I took a $900 cab ride home and, voilà, here I am.
J.
D.
, that sucks.
I'm so sorry.
Bummer.
Now, why am I back in here again? Because I couldn't wait to rub a little jelly on your treasure trail.
No, I have to see if your kidney stone has dissolved yet.
J.
D.
- I always do that.
- Do mine.
J.
D.
: There are really only two kinds of surprises.
The good ones that make everything okay.
It's a girl.
We're having a baby girl.
And the bad ones that make you mad.
There's Papa's pleasure palace! Looks great, Teddy! I'm going on vacation.
Theodore! All right, let's take a look.
And I could never be mad at Kim for giving me a bad surprise.
Everything looks healthy.
See, there's your baby's heartbeat.
Wow.
Because at least she was straight with me.