The Conners (2018) s06e08 Episode Script

1
Okay, I finished Dad's cake.
Made it just the way he likes.
A layer of cake,
sausage, cake,
bacon, cake,
ham, frosting.
It's basically a frosted pig.
Well, I hope he gets here soon
because I got to run back
to the cafeteria
and try to undo this crappy menu.
It's unhealthy food,
but the good news is
it's prepared badly.
So why do you have to do it?
Isn't that one of the perks
of being a bottom-rung
lunch lady in a dead-end job?
What? I said "perks."
Well, talk to the person in charge.
Make some changes.
Shake things up. Rattle some cages.
You know what? Jackie's right.
I got to do something more.
I'm not wired to just sit around
when I could be getting
better food for these kids.
And that place is run so horribly.
[sighs]
ALL: Hey.
How did the parents at the PTA meeting
react to you running
for the school board?
My big pitch was that I'd
have more time for the kids
because I don't have any.
But most of the moms just muttered,
"Oh, that's how she can look like that."
You may be too pretty to win.
That's why I never went into politics.
Oh, yeah, that,
and the only time you voted
was for Zendaya on
"Dancing With the Stars."
You see?
[whispering] It's still happening.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
we're all pretty.
Uh, right now,
we have a lot of work to do
before Dan gets home.
Oh, look around, detective.
We've already done it.
Yeah, and now we have
to take it all down.
Last night I was talking to Dan
and he was adamant about
not making a big deal
over his 70th birthday.
We know he doesn't like it.
That's why we do it.
Look, look, he's already on edge.
This morning,
I saw him standing on the curb
screaming,
"Don't move those lawn chairs.
I'll kill anybody who
takes my parking space."
Well, you better hurry because his truck
is nudging the lawn chairs
out of the way right now.
All right, come on.
Let's go, people. We gotta do this.
[Dan whistling]
Why are you all standing
in the living room?
Haven't you heard?
Sitting is the new cancer.
And why is there a cake?
Well, we're just celebrating football
and the fact that we love cake
with cake.
Happy football.
Why have we never done this before?
And why are we doing it on my birthday?
It's your birthday?
Oh, what?
No, it is so unimportant.
We don't even want
to remember your birthday.
Actually, I'm annoyed you brought it up.
Well, you're going to be more annoyed
because I found a reason to celebrate.
He wants to celebrate.
Surprise!
And this isn't really a football cake.
It's a birthday cake.
Boo, football.
- Yay, birthday.
- Yay.
I'm going to start
taking my Social Security
and my union pension.
Yep, I beat the system.
By being poor and living longer
than the government thought I would.
Oh, Dan, this is amazing.
We've been working so hard for so long.
Now we can finally have some fun.
No!
I got bigger and better things
playing for that money.
If I could scratch up another 10 grand,
I'm in striking distance
of paying off this house.
Wow, so you're going to own it
before it's just mold
in the shape of a house?
It'll be a race.
Happy birthday, Grandpa.
Too late. We moved past birthday.
We're on to houses now.
We dodged whether he's happy
or unhappy about this day,
so don't start bringing up stuff
that's going to cause problems!
Okay, Grandpa,
there's some neutral circus
peanuts for you on the table.
They're neither happy nor sad.
Sorry I was late.
Some guys at the dorm stole all
the toilet seats to stair surf.
And since I'm the janitor,
I'm supposed to replace them,
but I have no idea how to do it.
Oh, toilet seats are easy.
I can teach you.
Passing down toilet knowledge?
Give me a minute. I'm getting emotional.
Here's a crazy thought.
What if you taught basic home repairs
to this entitled, helpless generation?
Sounds like a great idea.
Yeah, and we could get the
word out to the neighbors
by putting flyers in their post boxes
and then stapling the rest
to the telephone poles.
Or we could put it on a scroll
and have it announced by the town crier?
Or we could join the 21st century
and put it on the Nextdoor app.
I don't know.
Every time we're mentioned on Nextdoor,
it starts with, "whose turn is it
to talk to the hillbillies
about" fill-in-the-blank.
The last one was about
some guy in his underpants
chasing around loose chickens
in his front yard.
First of all, it was an emergency.
Secondly, I wasn't chasing.
I was herding.
The chickens had gotten out
and they were about to cross the road.
And I was not about to be
the butt of a very old joke.
Ah, thank y'all.
[bluesy rock music]
6x08 - Toilet Hacks
and the Management Track
♪
The Conners is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
Okay, now who can show me where
the bolts are
that hold the seat on this toilet,
courtesy of Olinsky Hardware
for all your hardware needs
and protein bars.
Oh, I know.
No, no, the owner of
the store may not answer.
[chuckles]
- Oh.
- Wow.
Nice.
Hey, pay attention
so you learn something.
You don't want to end up
useless like your father.
I know how the toilet
can be emotionally triggering,
but let's hold that thought, and
let's keep getting our learning on, yo.
Oh, my God.
Oh. Wow.
Finally got that fancy centerpiece
I've been dreaming about.
[Dan chuckles]
This is my wife, Louise, everybody.
And don't worry, honey.
The toilet's never been used.
Mm, although a few old folks
at the store sat on it,
but just to see
if they could get back up.
Yeah, you just unscrew
a couple of bolts,
and the seat comes right off.
Next, I'll show you how
to break into your own garage
if your clicker is broken.
Or if you're feeling frisky,
break into your neighbor's garage
and sit in their new car.
I've got to get to soccer practice.
- You don't play soccer.
- I'm going to join.
I'd rather be hit in the head
with a ball than do this again.
All right, let me get this
back to the store.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
I should have known that teenagers
just don't want to learn to fix
anything around the house.
Oh, took a shot.
I was just hoping we could
pay off the house faster.
I guess it's back to modeling.
I thought I'd worn my last Speedo.
Uh [chuckles]
Yeah, you're right.
You have.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Oh, sorry to interrupt.
I'm looking for Marjorie,
the school nutritionist.
[gruff voice] You found her.
Oh, hi. I'm Darlene.
I'm glad you're finally in.
You are in, right?
It's kind of dark in here.
I don't like to turn on lights.
It attracts people.
Anyway, I work on the line
in the cafeteria.
Oh, God, you're not leaving.
All right.
Turn on the lights.
I will just be a second.
So I've worked here for a while now,
and I have some ideas about
how we can improve
the quality of the food.
Darlene,
I've run food services
at this school since 1965.
This nutrition chart
gave our boys the energy
to beat the Germans in W-W-two.
I think it'll give
our students the stamina
to play beer pong till 3:00 a.m.
Uh, that chart has butter
as its own food group.
You're one of those change people.
No, it's it's not radical.
All we've got to do
is serve healthier ingredients
that the kids actually want to eat.
Then we just run the
kitchen more efficiently,
and we can actually save a lot of money.
I don't have time for all of this.
Talk to the manager.
We don't have a manager.
How do you not know that?
A lot of people think I'm not here.
I don't get a lot of news.
Okay, well, we've got ten employees
in desperate need of supervision.
Have you ever been convicted
of a child-related crime?
What? No.
Fine. You're the manager.
Are you serious?
I'll give you a month.
If you can cut the budget by 25%,
we'll make it permanent
and I'll give you a raise.
Oh, wow. Yes, I'm in.
That's amazing. Thank you.
But we're going
to replace you on the line.
So if you fail, you're on the street.
Well, I get a tuition break for my son.
What about that?
It's gone.
Maybe you should'a thought of that
before you so recklessly
climbed the corporate ladder.
Well, no, then I don't want the job.
It's too late.
I already put in the paperwork.
That's impossible.
I've been here the whole time.
I'm the only one who has to approve it.
So I imagined it, I signed it,
and I told myself, "Good job."
Anyway, welcome to the team.
Did I mention
I never want to see you again
unless it's to fire you?
No, you didn't.
But I had a feeling.
I'll turn out the light.
Feel free to go back
to hanging from the ceiling.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Now we know where to find
the reset button
on the garbage disposal.
[applause]
Now, if you'll meet me
in the front yard,
I'll show you how putting your
lawn furniture in the street
can save your parking spot.
Great.
Wow.
You got quite the turnout.
That must make you feel good.
Yeah, it turns out the moms
really wanted the classes
and they told their friends.
I got so many calls,
I had to add three night classes.
So you're going to work
all day at the hardware store
and then work all night doing this?
Yeah, I'll be exhausted,
but it'll be a good exhausted
when I pay off the house.
Oh.
You know, paying off the house is huge,
but you have to make some time
for yourself.
I was going to make your
favorite dinner tonight.
You know, something brown
with something white.
Well, I won't be done
with classes in time.
But it won't be long
before a home-cooked meal
is actually cooked in our home.
As opposed to Citibank's home,
which sold it to Chase
which sold it to State Farm
which sold it to,
if I remember my paperwork,
SmileDirectClub?
[bluesy harmonica music]
Who are you people?
We're students at Stephen A. Douglas.
And Ned.
Darlene invited the cafeteria staff here
to talk about how we're
going to run things
now that she's the manager.
She's your boss?
My condolences.
She's hypercritical,
controlling, and annoying.
I whipped up some
delicious vegan snacks.
There's no such thing,
so I'm right behind her
with something you actually want to eat.
Thank you for coming.
I know we don't
all work the same shifts,
but I am looking forward
to hearing your ideas
about how we can work more efficiently.
I'm Ashley.
You probably haven't seen me
because I work nights.
And sometimes I forget to come in
because my pharmacy's
been out of Adderall
and when I have Adderall,
I'm usually late
because I log on to see what
time my shift is
and I end up going down
the Tom Holland rabbit hole.
I didn't really hear an idea
there, Ashley.
What I'm looking for
are ways to save money.
And I don't want to point fingers,
but there is a lot of waste
in the kitchen.
You mean like when
Bailey didn't show up,
so nobody put the chicken
delivery in the freezer,
and then somebody called the cops
because it smelled like a dead body?
Okay, that's finger-pointing,
and we're not doing that.
But yeah, like that.
Doesn't seem like you had any trouble
getting that prescription
this week, huh, Ashley?
[laughs]
They're all flakes because
they're all on work study.
They don't show up half the time.
Why else would you work there, Ned?
The hours are really flexible.
We can pretty much just show up
whenever we want.
What? So no one has a set schedule?
[chuckles]
How could she make things more efficient
when she can't count on anybody to
oh, that's why you got the job so easy.
I'm screwed.
You're finally starting
to get it, beautiful.
Okay, very productive meeting.
Thank you, everybody.
See you all tomorrow
at 7:00 a.m. or whenever.
Oh, my God, I am such an idiot.
I just wanted to make
things better at work.
And then my boss, who's clearly
Mary Todd Lincoln's
older, crazier sister,
knew that I was on a suicide mission
and she set me up.
Well, hey, look.
I knew when you first
took this lunch lady job
that it was going to be
a struggle for you
to be in a position where
you weren't calling the shots.
Yeah. I mean,
I do like the idea of being manager.
I don't only want to be the boss of you.
I don't want that either.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Oh, hey, Louise,
could you close for me tonight?
Yeah, sure.
There's a bunch of strangers
in my house anyway.
Dan is getting so popular
that he has classes
every night this week.
Well, if you don't like it,
tell him to stop.
No, I really can't.
It was my idea.
But it's gotten out of control.
I don't think he realizes that
he missed my school board
meet-and-greet last night.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So you don't have kids
and the person in your life who
has kids isn't showing up?
Are you running
on the scary loner platform?
I can't give the poor guy a hard time.
Last night,
he watched three episodes
of the "Gilmore Girls"
because he was too tired
to reach for the remote.
And it was in his hand.
And it was the "Gilmore Girls."
[chuckles]
So how was your veggie burger?
That's not how you comfort somebody
who's in a terrible mood.
Sorry.
You're always in a terrible mood,
so just seems like,
I don't know, Wednesday.
Oh, thanks for asking.
It's my staff.
For the last two days,
I've been trying to get them
to work as a team,
but it's useless because
they're a bunch of entitled,
distracted halfwits.
Hmm.
Maybe it's the way
you're addressing them?
No, no, no.
The problem is
they're not professionals.
That's what you need.
You need a food service with real cooks
who are trained
to bring in prepared meals.
And then you save a lot of money
because they know how to portion
for the amount of people
that they're serving
and there isn't any waste.
[clicks tongue]
Oh, my God.
Jackie, could you do that for me?
Huh? No. Hell, no.
No. It's a lot of work.
We don't have time for that.
But Becky and Louise, they're part-time,
so if they wanted to help.
And Harris is still learning
how to run this place.
Becky?
Yeah?
I love you.
And I love you, too.
But my love for you is very conditional.
And I have a very full life, so
go love somebody else.
Go on. Shoo.
Oh, Harris.
Yes?
I love you.
Okay. What do you need?
I told you Darlene, she isn't ready.
Not ready for what?
Well, I'm looking for an outside source
who can prep healthier food
for the cafeteria.
Otherwise, I'm going to lose my job
and Mark's going to have to quit school.
[sighs] Well, how much food you need?
Well, I need let's see.
200 grass-fed hamburgers,
150 coleslaws,
and a 100 orders of fresh-cut fries.
When do you need it by?
Tomorrow morning.
Okay, I think I can do that.
Harris, that's very sweet,
but you don't know how to work
with these kind of quantities.
No, I want to do this.
I owe you so much,
and I want to pay that back
so that the next time
you try to guilt me,
I can say "hamburgers" and walk away.
Thank you. You're my hero.
You are so much better than
the kids at my college.
Am I better than Mark?
I can't officially say.
I love you both equally.
[bluesy harmonica music]
No, no, Cindy.
Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.
[sighs] Dan.
Oh, hey.
I don't remember falling asleep.
But if it was before I parked,
that's pretty impressive.
I don't like where this is going.
I'm starting to worry about you.
You're worried?
I don't remember eating these fries,
and that's not like me.
I try to be really present for them.
You're not going to
be present for anything
if you don't slow down.
I know I'm working crazy hours,
but I can actually see the finish line
where I can leave the house
to the kids with no debt.
This isn't about the finish line.
I think you are so used to being behind
that you're uncomfortable
unless you're constantly hustling.
Well, that's what being broke
your whole life teaches you.
Yeah, but you don't have
to do this all in a month.
You're going to get there.
Just a little slower.
Maybe one class a week, maybe two.
And that way,
you can still enjoy your life,
and I can enjoy it with you.
I want that, too.
I guess I could back it off a little.
I've never enjoyed life.
- It sounds exciting.
- [chuckles]
Maybe hit a movie now and then.
Dinner and a movie.
Dinner and a movie. I knew it
gold digger.
[laughs] Yeah.
Well, if I'm a gold digger,
I'm the worst there's ever been.
[both chuckle]
You know,
it's been a long time since
we made out in the truck.
You know we're going to pay
for this with our sciaticas.
Yeah. It'll be worth it.
[bluesy harmonica music]
46
You okay?
Yeah.
Just having trouble
catching my breath a little.
Can't seem to get ahead on this thing.
Kind of freaking out.
Mm. You've been here, like, three hours.
That's why I came back.
But a long way to go to 200 patties.
I know.
I started cutting up
the cabbage for the coleslaw,
but then I thought about the potato,
so I started peeling those.
But then I realized that the hamburgers
were just sitting out,
so I felt I needed to get back to that.
I'm not doing anything, if you
would you mind if I helped?
- Only if you really want to.
- Yeah.
I don't need it.
[sighs]
[bluesy harmonica music]
Okay, swap.
[both groaning]
- [Dan whimpering]
- There you go.
[Dan sighs]
Hey, I got your text. What happened?
Sciatica.
Both of you?
[sighs] Yeah.
We got all twisted up
doing martial arts as a couple.
Huh. That's funny,
because I read on Nextdoor
that the hillbillies were
going at it in their truck.
[child giggles]