The League s06e08 Episode Script
Man Land
I'm all for a good laugh when it's at my expense.
But not my cat! What kind of animal humiliates another animal? It's not funny, all right? I had to send Milady to a cat spa! Hopefully when she comes back in a week, she'll be normal - again.
- That was an epic cat - prank, Pete.
- Thank you.
You know it went viral in Korea? I'm very proud of it, but I have to say Jenny's prank was number one this weekend.
I mean, her poopsicle really took the cake.
Classic.
Which is why I am changing my team name to The Shit Heads.
You can't use that picture and you can't use that name! That name's offensive.
You can't control my team name.
Well, I can control the standings page and the transaction page.
I could just "Phil Simms" it and-and call it Pete's Team.
Wow.
We got a real Redskins situation happening.
Oh, yeah, Jenny and I won't stand for it.
We will not be part of using a name that a cross-section of our league finds offensive.
Okay, this is not inherently offensive.
I am celebrating the grand tradition of Jenny's bowels.
Well, Jenny and I don't want you to use that name.
Well, you got a lot of sand up in the vag today, bud.
What's going on? I just don't need this Shit Head thing in my life and my father-in-law's in town for a night, so Bruce! Bruce Banger! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bruce Banger! Bruce Banger, the man's man.
Constantly emasculating me in my own home.
Oh, come on, how can you be more emasculated than you are right now? Yeah, you got a broke dick, your wife's the champion and she literally shit on your face.
Oh, you mean this? Is that shit on your face? Oh, my God! Thank goodness, unlike you guys, I only have to put up with Bruce for one night.
Where's he going? Then he's off to DeKalb county to his property he calls Manland.
"Manland"? Mm-hmm.
Sounds like a gay amusement park.
Oh, God, this Pinot Grigio is swill.
I'm gonna get another drink.
Anyone want anything? Yeah, I'll take one.
Hold on, let me get this round.
There you go.
Thank you.
What are you doing? Why are you throwing your money on the floor? I read an article in the NY Times that said they're probably gonna get rid of the penny, so the rest of the coins are probably not far behind.
I don't want to be the last person on my block carrying around that garbage.
If you're gonna throw your change away, can you give it to me? I appreciate that, brother, but it's my problem.
I'll deal with it.
Excuse me, barkeep? Hey, what's up, man? Hey, dude, what's going on? How you doing? Going to get some wine, right? Oh, yes What can I get you, fellas? Well, it's about 54 degrees, the leaves are falling, it's sort of a low pressure system.
I would like a malbec.
Great choice.
Two malbecs, please.
Something from the Mendoza Valley, 2011 or earlier if you have it.
We have a red.
What kind of red? A cabriolet sauvignon.
I'm sorry.
Pardonnez-moi.
Just read the label one more time.
Cabriolet sauvignon.
That's what I thought he said.
"Cabriolet sauvignon.
" I want to drink it, not drive it.
You know what? I'm not gonna serve you guys.
What? We're trying to teach you about wine through dry humor.
Yeah, like the British Office.
You guys can get out now.
We're not gonna go, okay? I just No, no.
Andre, it's fine.
We're gonna go someplace better.
Where? I have an idea I've been meaning to talk to you about.
You know what? This place sucks.
That's why we are gonna open a wine bar! Don't say it like that.
It's a wine bar.
Hey! I said get out! We will not have rude employees like this at our wine bar.
Get out! So, for anyone who wants a glass of Riesling, come to my brand-new wine bar! We'll be open in a couple of months hopefully.
Hey! Okay, yes.
You guys with them? No.
No.
What a couple of assholes.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's probably hard to twist - it.
- How's it going, Daddy? Oh, almost got it.
No more leak.
Pipe's as good as mine.
Oh! We did it! We did it! Yeah, you did.
He's my little flashlight holder.
Really? That used to be my job when I was little.
How's that boo-boo? It's really deep.
I might not be able to hold a pen for a week.
Ah, thank you so much for doing all this.
Anything for my little Peanut! Oh, you're so good to me.
Now you know what it's like to have a man around the house, huh? Stop it! Uh, I'm sorry I'm not the Marlboro Man, but I do things around my house.
What do you do? Specifically what do I do? What do you do? What do you do? Well, who do you think resets the router? You think that just magically happens and everyone gets the Wi-Fi? No! Someone's got to pull the plug out the back, wait the ten seconds and then put it back in.
I do that once a month! Stop! What the is a router? It's for the computer.
Oh, that's a ninny thing.
That's not a ninny thing.
It's a ninny thing.
Bruce, it is not a ninny Ow! Ow! Ow! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Say, "I'm a ninny.
" No.
Say it.
No! Say it.
No.
Say it.
No.
Say, "I'm a ninny.
" I'm a ninny! I'm a ninny! Let it go! Let it go! Ow! I'm not a ninny! Kevin, you're up! Get in here! I got to go.
Ninny.
Yeah.
Hold it, hold it.
All right.
My fifth pick in the hypothetical mid-season redraft instead of Ryan Mathews, I select Knile Davis.
Wow! Nice! See? Much better! What the hell is going on here? Oh, this is our redraft.
We're halfway through the season so this is where we sort of hypothetically redraft the players we should've chosen.
It's a theoretical exercise.
Like, wouldn't you rather have drafted Giovani Bernard than the currently worthless Doug Martin? No, no.
This is not exercise.
Exercise is done outdoors.
This is ninny behavior.
"Ninny behavior"? Would a ninny open his own wine bar that sells crepes and canapés? You tell me, Sinatra.
I'm gonna go sharpen my saws.
Okay, Daddy.
You know when he said "Sinatra," he meant Nancy? Well, these shoes were made for walking and that's just what they'll do with you, Jenny, when you take me and Russell out to find a perfect spot for our wine bar.
Really? You guys are really going to do this? Yeah, we just figured, you know, with Russell's expertise and my je ne sais quoi, we will make an unbeatable combination.
I just looked up "je ne sais quoi" on Google Translate.
Did you know that it means "man pussy"? That is not what it means.
Oh, speaking of Russell, he sent us a little poll.
Question, everyone.
Which will happen first-- Andre gets laid or wins The Shiva? Wait, he put that up? I know the answer to that.
Whoa, not by his own hand though.
All right, then I'm out.
Andre, this is coming from your business partner.
He's just having fun.
All right, back to the draft, okay? Instead of the soul-crushing Dwayne Bowe, I think The Shit Heads will be taking Brandin Cooks.
Nope, nope.
Please stop.
We're not saying that name.
I, Peter, am offended.
You tell them, Jenny Banger.
Hey, that is not my name anymore.
Jenny Banger! Stop it! No, no, no.
That is not my name! I am now Jenny MacArthur! Peanut, Peanut, I'm sorry.
Banger was not the greatest name growing up for a little girl.
No, Daddy, it's fine.
I swear, the only reason she married Doris here was to change her last name.
You know what, Bruce, I am sick and tired of you emasculating me in my own home.
All right? Whoa, Kevin I am just as much of a man as you are.
Oh, you are, are you? Yeah, I am.
Prove it.
How? Come hunting with me.
That's great idea.
Where-- Manland? Yeah, why don't you and your gal pals here log out of the Matrix and join me in the real world for a couple of days.
Fine.
Yeah.
Fine, we'll go to Manland with you.
I'm sorry.
What? I mean, I would go, but my cat's coming back from the spa this week and I'm getting these nosebleeds.
It's like I'm bleeding once a month.
You know what, Andre? You're not helping, okay? We're all in for Manland.
Good.
Lace up your boots, Suzy.
Consider them laced.
Ow! Ow! Welcome to Manland! This sucks.
Where are all the men? Come on, come on, come on! Let's hit it, ladies! Hit what? What do you actually do out here? Anything we want.
That's the beauty of Manland.
Relax, Renee.
It's not "Renee," Bruce.
It's Kevin.
Not out here, it ain't.
Let's go-- we got snakes, we got wolves, we got 32 kinds of spiders, assorted mountain lions and a bear! More change? Get rid of this junk.
Couple more miles to camp.
Taco, I'm serious.
Do not fire that gun.
Don't worry.
Gun safety 101.
A gun should never go off unless it's by accident.
Hey, Ruxin, why don't you lead? You were in the Boy Scouts.
So were you.
No, I was in the Cub Scouts, okay? When I found out the next level was called "Webelo" I bailed.
You stayed in until you were like 19.
college application.
Ruxin, what was the toughest badge to get, holding it till you got out of the woods? Ah no, it was American culture, but I can tie knots like a mofo.
Did I just hear that you were a Boy Scout? Yeah.
You are up front with me.
Oh that brought back a lot of memories.
I was a Scout Leader.
Mm-hmm.
I shaped a lot of boys with these hands.
I bet you did.
What? What's in there? What's in there? Get it, get it, get it, get it! Shh! Quiet.
Back up.
Could be a wild pig.
You girls like bacon? Ho! Rafi? Hey! What's up, jerks? Ugh Rafi.
Rafi.
What are you doing here? I've been out here for days, Brian.
I'm tracking you.
I told you not to track me.
Got to keep you safe, bro.
Wait, you're a tracker? Oh, yeah.
My kind of man.
Bruce.
Rafi.
Welcome to Manland.
Oh.
Are we not in America anymore? Awesome.
What's happening, Rux? Eat shit, Rafi.
Already did, bro.
Second harvest-- delicious.
Only knot I remember is the Windsor knot.
According to Scout's Law, a Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.
You are none of those things, Ruxin.
I am clean.
Not on the inside.
Taco, how's the fire? The outdoor bong's coming along great.
Nice.
I can't get a cell signal anywhere.
I mean, it's like there's no coverage out here at all.
Exactly.
That is the beauty of the great outdoors.
No cell! No Internet! No routers.
Forget Korea.
This is worse than North Korea.
The games are tomorrow.
We gotta set our lineups.
Yeah, I need to line up my Shit Heads.
Hey, what did I tell you about that? It is offensive.
Would you stop being such a skin-thin ninny? Prove it to me-- prove to me that you were not born with a cheetah parlor down there.
I have a penis, Bruce, okay? And I've used it in-in your daughter.
Not lately.
Gentlemen, dinner is served.
About one klick that way, I found a huge pile of bear shit.
Picked through that, found some pretty good nuggies.
Brian, can I interest you in some second harvest? No.
It's delicious.
No, no, I don't want bear poop; I want real food and cell service.
Can we go somewhere, please? Yes.
Okay, all right, all right, quiet, Lucy.
I know a bar that's not far from here.
Tonight I'm gonna take you there, but then we're gonna come back here and we're gonna start acting like men.
No, no bar for me.
I've got a real hunting boner now.
I'm gonna stay right here, I'm gonna track this bear, I'm gonna kill it, I'm gonna eat its heart, I'm gonna gain its wisdom, and then when you guys come back, I'm gonna have the bear meat grilling on the fire.
All right, all this talk of poo, I gotta go drop a log.
Oh, put it someplace I can find it.
I'm gonna eat that guy's shit.
What? Wait, where are we going? Ooh, second harvest.
Oh, you want a piece? Yeah.
It's fresh.
Mmm, fancy.
I think it's a real great find.
You know, it needs some work.
But look at all this space.
Yeah.
I love the textures.
It's very urban but yet very homey.
It's like a canvas that we can paint upon with wine.
It is a little bit more than you were thinking of spending.
But it's worth it.
It is.
Yes, because a bar is an investment for the future.
Yeah.
No one's ever lost money in a wine bar-- am I right? No, people love to drink wine, and they hate to drink it at home.
I'm psyched-- I love this place, I feel like it has history, and we're gonna continue its proud tradition.
What was this place before? It was a wine bar.
Oh.
Oh, good bones.
That is true.
And it didn't have the name that is perfection.
Oh, you guys have a name already? Oh, yeah-- Ménage à Cinq.
What do you think? "Ménage" from "ménage à trois.
" And cinq like the five noble grapes of the Bordeaux.
So you guys are calling your bar "The Five-Way.
" Nothing wrong with a five-way.
But we're saying it in French so it's classy.
If you guys are going to do this together, I do recommend you sign some sort of partnership agreement.
Absolutely, yes, let's sign the paperwork right now.
Okay.
Ready to be partners.
Uh, yes, but one second.
I just want to talk to you for a second before we, you know, make this official.
Oh, what's up, partner? Just want to make sure we're on the same page, okay? Yeah.
'Cause here in real life, we work well together, but on the fantasy board, you're being so mean to me there, and I just want to make sure that, you know, there's a mutual respect.
Look, that's fantasy.
This is reality.
I mean, in real life, do you own an NFL team? No.
No, that's a fantasy.
Right.
And my polls about you never, ever getting laid again-- that's a fantasy, too.
It's a fantasy.
Right.
To Ménage à Cinq.
To Ménage à Cinq.
Five grapes, 14 holes.
That we're not gonna that won't be the tagline.
You got your vaginas, you got your rear holes No, I know what the holes are; it's nothing about holes.
Do the math.
I got I have the math.
There's 14 holes.
Okay.
All right, let's go.
Please have Wi-Fi.
Please have Wi-Fi.
Yeah, no gun.
What? But I'm over 18.
Put it down.
Aw All right.
When Irish eyes are smiling All right, plug in, drink up, but no grab-ass if you want to keep your nuts.
I got to drain it.
Ugh.
I'm gonna go perform the ancient rite of tinker-stinker.
I haven't gone to the bathroom since we left home.
Get that merit badge, Boy Scout.
Oh, we got Wi-Fi.
Yes! Yes! Let's do our lineups.
Come on.
When Irish eyes are happy This guy's great.
The world seems bright and gay This is for you.
When Irish eyes No, plenty more where that came from.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
You know any Ace of Base? Come on, man.
Big fan.
All right, whoo! Oh, yeah, you gotta start Alfred Morris versus that shitty Dallas D.
I'm starting DeSean Jackson because, I mean, I'm gonna start every Redskin I have.
Do you hear yourself right now? Why? The hypocrisy is astounding.
The Shit Heads and the Redskins are the same thing.
Same situation.
No, they're not.
Yes, they are.
No.
There is no difference between a Redskin and a Shit Head-- no difference, Kevin! Excuse me? I'm just saying how the Redskins Oh.
I happen to be an American Indian, and most of us in here are American Indians, seeing how the reservation's right down the road.
Now, what were you saying about the Potawatomi tribe being a bunch of shitheads? No, sir, this is just a huge misunderstanding.
I was using my iPad to set my lineup.
Oh.
The white man's plague, huh? Typhoid? Fantasy football.
No, I think it's typhoid.
Yeah, it's typhoid.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, look, all these boys said was "Redskins.
" Now, last I heard, they're still a football team in the NFL.
Yes, sir, it is.
But I don't like it.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that, chief-- but just like getting your first sniff of tail in the backseat of a convertible, it is a tradition.
An American tradition-- if I am talking about football, I got a God-given right to say "Redskins.
" Whoa.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, look.
This is a very sensitive issue, and a little give and take is natural, unlike the odors emanating out of your bathroom.
Smells like sickly elk shit in there.
What? Not-not helping.
No, no, no Just trying to paint a picture here.
Don't worry.
We're cool, guys.
Yeah, our trophy's actually a little Indian girl.
What? Yeah, yeah, if you win, you get to do whatever you want with her for a full year.
She basically becomes your property.
I kept her in the closet for a year 'cause, honestly, I didn't want to lose her.
What the happening here? What are you shitheads talking about? See, I find that offensive.
You know what, I've had enough of you, Custer.
Oh.
Okay, uh, we should Wrap it up.
Whoa! Run! He pulled a knife! He shot a gun! I clogged both their toilets! Whoa! Go, go, go! Jenny, thanks to you, Ménage à Cinq will become a reality.
I am so glad you're happy.
Honestly, Andre, I had a blast finding it.
And thank you for this whole spread.
This was too nice.
You didn't have to do it.
Well, I am excited to be with you because it's been a very long time since you and I have talked.
Ugh You know, like, really, really talk-- like girl talk.
You know, I mean, who says the hunters have to have all the fun? Mmm We're being shot at by the Redskins! Offensive! We're being shot at by the Washingtons! Why are football players shooting at us? Oh, my God.
Where are we? I don't know.
We don't have any supplies.
We can't go back to the truck.
We're gonna die out here.
I didn't even get to set my lineup.
I still have my gun, but I was only able to get out of there with one beer.
How am I gonna keep my buzz going? Hey.
Oh, I'm glad you made it out of there.
Look who I found.
Rafi Bomb! What's up? What are you doing, Rafi? Oh, God, since I left you guys, I was tracking the bear most of the night.
Didn't get him, but I did find a big, fresh pile of shit that I thought I'd second harvest 'cause it was full of Hershey Kisses.
Spoiler alert, they weren't Hershey Kisses.
It was just more shit.
I ate it all anyway, got sick to my tummy, puked, pooped, jerked off and now I'm here with you bros.
What have you guys been up to? You and Kevin and Bruce have a very complicated relationship, but I get that 'cause I also have a complicated relationship.
Are you talking about your cat? Yes, thank you for asking.
Milady and I are having a very rough patch right now.
I think that she feels like I betrayed her on some level, and since she's been away, I haven't heard a thing.
There's supposed to be a camera in her kennel, but she doesn't even go in front of it.
I think she's sleeping under it.
She's avoiding me.
You know, let's get back to Ménage à Cinq.
But even this I can't even be excited about because I have my relationship with Russell.
God.
I mean, in real life, we are like this, tight, okay? But on the fantasy gridiron, he is so abusive and mean.
It's like, how do you deal with that? What are you talking, Andre? That's why we play fantasy football.
Okay, I threaten to sodomize Kevin all the time.
I don't actually sodomize Kevin.
Even if he asks? What? I mean, has he ever asked you to, like, you know, put a finger up there? No, he doesn't ask! You surprise him with it? I'm not talking about this with you.
It is a sexual organ.
Stop.
Little real talk, guys like it.
Just keep it all compartmentalized, okay? Fantasy is one thing, business is another.
You're fine.
You know what? Russell, I think in the spirit of being good partners, wants to do a trade.
He wants me to give him Keenan Allen and then he's gonna give me Knowshon Moreno.
What do you think? Good? Yeah, yeah, just take it.
Take the trade? Take the trade, right? Take it.
You're the best.
I mean, you know, you and I, we got stuff to do.
I hope those guys stay out in the woods for a very long time.
All right, we'll hide out here, find the highway in the morning.
This isn't working.
This iPad is not throwing heat.
You want to survive the cold, here's what you got to do.
Huddle up.
Come on, you and me, Girl Scout.
Brian, you come cuddle with me.
Uh, no, Pete and I are closer.
Taco, you want to cuddle for warmth? I'm actually really hot.
I'm gonna take this off.
Oh, yeah, okay, cool.
I'm hot, too, so I'm just gonna cuddle with myself, I think.
Look, I want you to know, if we get out here alive, I'm changing my team name.
Thank you, Pete.
To The Banging Jenny Bangers.
Oh, you know what? Asshole.
Ooh, we got a little lovers' quarrel.
Stop it, Bruce, okay? I'm a man who is a little cold right now.
Hey, can I ask you a question? What? Are you and Tall Guy lovers? No! 'Cause Bruce just said you were having a lovers' quarrel.
Rafi, Bruce is an idiot, okay? We're not lovers.
He's just making fun of me.
Don't let him make fun of you.
You need to reach deep inside and let your inner Brian out, okay, because that guy is scary.
You're insane, Rafi.
Yeah, sometimes we all got to be a little insane, Brian, to get what we want.
Now let's get back down there.
You take your pants off, and we'll cuddle until you fall asleep.
What? No, no.
I-I'm gonna go take a walk.
Do you want a hot mouthful of not-milk before bed? I want to be by myself! Wake up.
What? Time to wake up.
Hey, cut it out, man.
What did you do? Did I get my merit badge in knot tying? You untie me, asshole.
Untie yourself, piggy.
You are the worst Boy Scout ever.
Yeah, fat little piggy? Oh, you are so dead.
You are so dead.
Has anybody seen my ninny son-in-law? Bear.
Ah, no, he's just a big pussycat.
No, look, bear.
Hi.
Whoa.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit! Bear! Taco, get your gun.
Good idea.
Help! Untie me! Stand back! Seriously, Ruxin.
Untie me! Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm much more relaxed now.
Your gun is a bong? Yeah, it's my forest bong.
What the hell are you doing? Taking a picture for my team page.
Oh, God! Oh, we're all gonna die, and I'm never gonna see my Laguna beach house.
You were never gonna see it, anyway.
You weren't gonna win the league.
I am rock-hard right now! Anybody else? Oh, God.
All right, everybody, just back up, slowly back up.
Ooh, welcome to Manland.
Get out of here! Kevin! Get out of here! It's working! Yes! Get out of here! Go! Go! Yeah! MacArthurs in the mist are back! Holy shit, what the hell was that? I'll tell you what that was.
That was his inner Brian.
That took cajones, son.
You're all right in my book.
Thanks, Bruce.
We should get out of here, though.
Let's go.
How are we gonna get out of here? Uh, I got nothing.
Wait, what's with all this change? Oh, that's me.
I've been dumping it out since we got here.
I'm almost done.
That's it.
We can follow the change trail right to the highway.
Yeah.
Let's go, come on.
Great idea.
Hey, Ruxin, you got to untie me.
Oh, I don't have an untying badge.
Peace! Hey, Rafi, a little help, please? Sorry, Tall Guy, I got to go murder that bear with my dick.
Run, little bear, run! Oh, thank God it's the road.
Hey, it's a car.
Hey! Stop! Hey! Hey! Help! Oh, thank God.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
What do you know? White men lost in the forest.
Um, please don't hurt us.
Don't worry.
We're not gonna hurt you.
In fact, we're here to give you a lift.
Oh, great.
As soon as you drop the players.
From our lineups? Which players? Washington! Oh, no.
All right, guys, you sign this paperwork, and you two are the proud owners of your very own wine bar.
To Ménage à Cinq.
Oui, oui.
Now, Andre, are you sure you're comfortable providing the capital, the collateral and the bank loan while Russell is merely providing An overall positive attitude and a keen nose for adventure.
Yes, I am, because we're always looking out for each other.
I got your back.
I got your back.
No, no, I got your back more.
I got your back.
I got your back more.
Okay! Let's just sign the paperwork.
Sure.
Knowshon Moreno is injured? You just traded him to me.
Oh, did he get injured again? You screwed me over.
How am I supposed to trust you if I can't trust you here? This is business.
That is fantasy.
No, it isn't.
He's injured in real life.
Oh, it works like that? And you, you told me to take this trade.
Okay, as your Realtor, I give you solid advice on closing this deal.
When it comes to fantasy, I am your opponent, and mama is gonna get that beach house! Okay, you know what, I'm screwed.
It's Sunday morning.
I have no one to pick up.
All right, and I Whoa, look at this.
Ruxin just dropped Pierre Garçon, Pete just dropped Alfred Morris, and Kevin dropped DeSean Jackson? No, no, no, no.
And I'm number one on the waiver wire.
Tefl-Andre is back.
Oh, this is gonna be great.
So, we're still doing this partnership thing, right? Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Oh! Great.
Who does Daddy want? And I'm gonna sign for you, too.
And here.
Andre.
Look at this lineup.
Oh, how'd it go? How was Manland? How'd my little ninny do, Daddy? Oh, Kevin's no ninny.
He's a man.
He is? You can go hunting with me anytime.
Thank you, Bruce.
Come here, babe.
I missed you so much.
I missed you.
Hey.
Let's go upstairs.
Come here.
Whoa! Who is this? I'm Brian.
Bye, Daddy.
There goes my little Banger.
But not my cat! What kind of animal humiliates another animal? It's not funny, all right? I had to send Milady to a cat spa! Hopefully when she comes back in a week, she'll be normal - again.
- That was an epic cat - prank, Pete.
- Thank you.
You know it went viral in Korea? I'm very proud of it, but I have to say Jenny's prank was number one this weekend.
I mean, her poopsicle really took the cake.
Classic.
Which is why I am changing my team name to The Shit Heads.
You can't use that picture and you can't use that name! That name's offensive.
You can't control my team name.
Well, I can control the standings page and the transaction page.
I could just "Phil Simms" it and-and call it Pete's Team.
Wow.
We got a real Redskins situation happening.
Oh, yeah, Jenny and I won't stand for it.
We will not be part of using a name that a cross-section of our league finds offensive.
Okay, this is not inherently offensive.
I am celebrating the grand tradition of Jenny's bowels.
Well, Jenny and I don't want you to use that name.
Well, you got a lot of sand up in the vag today, bud.
What's going on? I just don't need this Shit Head thing in my life and my father-in-law's in town for a night, so Bruce! Bruce Banger! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bruce Banger! Bruce Banger, the man's man.
Constantly emasculating me in my own home.
Oh, come on, how can you be more emasculated than you are right now? Yeah, you got a broke dick, your wife's the champion and she literally shit on your face.
Oh, you mean this? Is that shit on your face? Oh, my God! Thank goodness, unlike you guys, I only have to put up with Bruce for one night.
Where's he going? Then he's off to DeKalb county to his property he calls Manland.
"Manland"? Mm-hmm.
Sounds like a gay amusement park.
Oh, God, this Pinot Grigio is swill.
I'm gonna get another drink.
Anyone want anything? Yeah, I'll take one.
Hold on, let me get this round.
There you go.
Thank you.
What are you doing? Why are you throwing your money on the floor? I read an article in the NY Times that said they're probably gonna get rid of the penny, so the rest of the coins are probably not far behind.
I don't want to be the last person on my block carrying around that garbage.
If you're gonna throw your change away, can you give it to me? I appreciate that, brother, but it's my problem.
I'll deal with it.
Excuse me, barkeep? Hey, what's up, man? Hey, dude, what's going on? How you doing? Going to get some wine, right? Oh, yes What can I get you, fellas? Well, it's about 54 degrees, the leaves are falling, it's sort of a low pressure system.
I would like a malbec.
Great choice.
Two malbecs, please.
Something from the Mendoza Valley, 2011 or earlier if you have it.
We have a red.
What kind of red? A cabriolet sauvignon.
I'm sorry.
Pardonnez-moi.
Just read the label one more time.
Cabriolet sauvignon.
That's what I thought he said.
"Cabriolet sauvignon.
" I want to drink it, not drive it.
You know what? I'm not gonna serve you guys.
What? We're trying to teach you about wine through dry humor.
Yeah, like the British Office.
You guys can get out now.
We're not gonna go, okay? I just No, no.
Andre, it's fine.
We're gonna go someplace better.
Where? I have an idea I've been meaning to talk to you about.
You know what? This place sucks.
That's why we are gonna open a wine bar! Don't say it like that.
It's a wine bar.
Hey! I said get out! We will not have rude employees like this at our wine bar.
Get out! So, for anyone who wants a glass of Riesling, come to my brand-new wine bar! We'll be open in a couple of months hopefully.
Hey! Okay, yes.
You guys with them? No.
No.
What a couple of assholes.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's probably hard to twist - it.
- How's it going, Daddy? Oh, almost got it.
No more leak.
Pipe's as good as mine.
Oh! We did it! We did it! Yeah, you did.
He's my little flashlight holder.
Really? That used to be my job when I was little.
How's that boo-boo? It's really deep.
I might not be able to hold a pen for a week.
Ah, thank you so much for doing all this.
Anything for my little Peanut! Oh, you're so good to me.
Now you know what it's like to have a man around the house, huh? Stop it! Uh, I'm sorry I'm not the Marlboro Man, but I do things around my house.
What do you do? Specifically what do I do? What do you do? What do you do? Well, who do you think resets the router? You think that just magically happens and everyone gets the Wi-Fi? No! Someone's got to pull the plug out the back, wait the ten seconds and then put it back in.
I do that once a month! Stop! What the is a router? It's for the computer.
Oh, that's a ninny thing.
That's not a ninny thing.
It's a ninny thing.
Bruce, it is not a ninny Ow! Ow! Ow! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Say, "I'm a ninny.
" No.
Say it.
No! Say it.
No.
Say it.
No.
Say, "I'm a ninny.
" I'm a ninny! I'm a ninny! Let it go! Let it go! Ow! I'm not a ninny! Kevin, you're up! Get in here! I got to go.
Ninny.
Yeah.
Hold it, hold it.
All right.
My fifth pick in the hypothetical mid-season redraft instead of Ryan Mathews, I select Knile Davis.
Wow! Nice! See? Much better! What the hell is going on here? Oh, this is our redraft.
We're halfway through the season so this is where we sort of hypothetically redraft the players we should've chosen.
It's a theoretical exercise.
Like, wouldn't you rather have drafted Giovani Bernard than the currently worthless Doug Martin? No, no.
This is not exercise.
Exercise is done outdoors.
This is ninny behavior.
"Ninny behavior"? Would a ninny open his own wine bar that sells crepes and canapés? You tell me, Sinatra.
I'm gonna go sharpen my saws.
Okay, Daddy.
You know when he said "Sinatra," he meant Nancy? Well, these shoes were made for walking and that's just what they'll do with you, Jenny, when you take me and Russell out to find a perfect spot for our wine bar.
Really? You guys are really going to do this? Yeah, we just figured, you know, with Russell's expertise and my je ne sais quoi, we will make an unbeatable combination.
I just looked up "je ne sais quoi" on Google Translate.
Did you know that it means "man pussy"? That is not what it means.
Oh, speaking of Russell, he sent us a little poll.
Question, everyone.
Which will happen first-- Andre gets laid or wins The Shiva? Wait, he put that up? I know the answer to that.
Whoa, not by his own hand though.
All right, then I'm out.
Andre, this is coming from your business partner.
He's just having fun.
All right, back to the draft, okay? Instead of the soul-crushing Dwayne Bowe, I think The Shit Heads will be taking Brandin Cooks.
Nope, nope.
Please stop.
We're not saying that name.
I, Peter, am offended.
You tell them, Jenny Banger.
Hey, that is not my name anymore.
Jenny Banger! Stop it! No, no, no.
That is not my name! I am now Jenny MacArthur! Peanut, Peanut, I'm sorry.
Banger was not the greatest name growing up for a little girl.
No, Daddy, it's fine.
I swear, the only reason she married Doris here was to change her last name.
You know what, Bruce, I am sick and tired of you emasculating me in my own home.
All right? Whoa, Kevin I am just as much of a man as you are.
Oh, you are, are you? Yeah, I am.
Prove it.
How? Come hunting with me.
That's great idea.
Where-- Manland? Yeah, why don't you and your gal pals here log out of the Matrix and join me in the real world for a couple of days.
Fine.
Yeah.
Fine, we'll go to Manland with you.
I'm sorry.
What? I mean, I would go, but my cat's coming back from the spa this week and I'm getting these nosebleeds.
It's like I'm bleeding once a month.
You know what, Andre? You're not helping, okay? We're all in for Manland.
Good.
Lace up your boots, Suzy.
Consider them laced.
Ow! Ow! Welcome to Manland! This sucks.
Where are all the men? Come on, come on, come on! Let's hit it, ladies! Hit what? What do you actually do out here? Anything we want.
That's the beauty of Manland.
Relax, Renee.
It's not "Renee," Bruce.
It's Kevin.
Not out here, it ain't.
Let's go-- we got snakes, we got wolves, we got 32 kinds of spiders, assorted mountain lions and a bear! More change? Get rid of this junk.
Couple more miles to camp.
Taco, I'm serious.
Do not fire that gun.
Don't worry.
Gun safety 101.
A gun should never go off unless it's by accident.
Hey, Ruxin, why don't you lead? You were in the Boy Scouts.
So were you.
No, I was in the Cub Scouts, okay? When I found out the next level was called "Webelo" I bailed.
You stayed in until you were like 19.
college application.
Ruxin, what was the toughest badge to get, holding it till you got out of the woods? Ah no, it was American culture, but I can tie knots like a mofo.
Did I just hear that you were a Boy Scout? Yeah.
You are up front with me.
Oh that brought back a lot of memories.
I was a Scout Leader.
Mm-hmm.
I shaped a lot of boys with these hands.
I bet you did.
What? What's in there? What's in there? Get it, get it, get it, get it! Shh! Quiet.
Back up.
Could be a wild pig.
You girls like bacon? Ho! Rafi? Hey! What's up, jerks? Ugh Rafi.
Rafi.
What are you doing here? I've been out here for days, Brian.
I'm tracking you.
I told you not to track me.
Got to keep you safe, bro.
Wait, you're a tracker? Oh, yeah.
My kind of man.
Bruce.
Rafi.
Welcome to Manland.
Oh.
Are we not in America anymore? Awesome.
What's happening, Rux? Eat shit, Rafi.
Already did, bro.
Second harvest-- delicious.
Only knot I remember is the Windsor knot.
According to Scout's Law, a Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.
You are none of those things, Ruxin.
I am clean.
Not on the inside.
Taco, how's the fire? The outdoor bong's coming along great.
Nice.
I can't get a cell signal anywhere.
I mean, it's like there's no coverage out here at all.
Exactly.
That is the beauty of the great outdoors.
No cell! No Internet! No routers.
Forget Korea.
This is worse than North Korea.
The games are tomorrow.
We gotta set our lineups.
Yeah, I need to line up my Shit Heads.
Hey, what did I tell you about that? It is offensive.
Would you stop being such a skin-thin ninny? Prove it to me-- prove to me that you were not born with a cheetah parlor down there.
I have a penis, Bruce, okay? And I've used it in-in your daughter.
Not lately.
Gentlemen, dinner is served.
About one klick that way, I found a huge pile of bear shit.
Picked through that, found some pretty good nuggies.
Brian, can I interest you in some second harvest? No.
It's delicious.
No, no, I don't want bear poop; I want real food and cell service.
Can we go somewhere, please? Yes.
Okay, all right, all right, quiet, Lucy.
I know a bar that's not far from here.
Tonight I'm gonna take you there, but then we're gonna come back here and we're gonna start acting like men.
No, no bar for me.
I've got a real hunting boner now.
I'm gonna stay right here, I'm gonna track this bear, I'm gonna kill it, I'm gonna eat its heart, I'm gonna gain its wisdom, and then when you guys come back, I'm gonna have the bear meat grilling on the fire.
All right, all this talk of poo, I gotta go drop a log.
Oh, put it someplace I can find it.
I'm gonna eat that guy's shit.
What? Wait, where are we going? Ooh, second harvest.
Oh, you want a piece? Yeah.
It's fresh.
Mmm, fancy.
I think it's a real great find.
You know, it needs some work.
But look at all this space.
Yeah.
I love the textures.
It's very urban but yet very homey.
It's like a canvas that we can paint upon with wine.
It is a little bit more than you were thinking of spending.
But it's worth it.
It is.
Yes, because a bar is an investment for the future.
Yeah.
No one's ever lost money in a wine bar-- am I right? No, people love to drink wine, and they hate to drink it at home.
I'm psyched-- I love this place, I feel like it has history, and we're gonna continue its proud tradition.
What was this place before? It was a wine bar.
Oh.
Oh, good bones.
That is true.
And it didn't have the name that is perfection.
Oh, you guys have a name already? Oh, yeah-- Ménage à Cinq.
What do you think? "Ménage" from "ménage à trois.
" And cinq like the five noble grapes of the Bordeaux.
So you guys are calling your bar "The Five-Way.
" Nothing wrong with a five-way.
But we're saying it in French so it's classy.
If you guys are going to do this together, I do recommend you sign some sort of partnership agreement.
Absolutely, yes, let's sign the paperwork right now.
Okay.
Ready to be partners.
Uh, yes, but one second.
I just want to talk to you for a second before we, you know, make this official.
Oh, what's up, partner? Just want to make sure we're on the same page, okay? Yeah.
'Cause here in real life, we work well together, but on the fantasy board, you're being so mean to me there, and I just want to make sure that, you know, there's a mutual respect.
Look, that's fantasy.
This is reality.
I mean, in real life, do you own an NFL team? No.
No, that's a fantasy.
Right.
And my polls about you never, ever getting laid again-- that's a fantasy, too.
It's a fantasy.
Right.
To Ménage à Cinq.
To Ménage à Cinq.
Five grapes, 14 holes.
That we're not gonna that won't be the tagline.
You got your vaginas, you got your rear holes No, I know what the holes are; it's nothing about holes.
Do the math.
I got I have the math.
There's 14 holes.
Okay.
All right, let's go.
Please have Wi-Fi.
Please have Wi-Fi.
Yeah, no gun.
What? But I'm over 18.
Put it down.
Aw All right.
When Irish eyes are smiling All right, plug in, drink up, but no grab-ass if you want to keep your nuts.
I got to drain it.
Ugh.
I'm gonna go perform the ancient rite of tinker-stinker.
I haven't gone to the bathroom since we left home.
Get that merit badge, Boy Scout.
Oh, we got Wi-Fi.
Yes! Yes! Let's do our lineups.
Come on.
When Irish eyes are happy This guy's great.
The world seems bright and gay This is for you.
When Irish eyes No, plenty more where that came from.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
You know any Ace of Base? Come on, man.
Big fan.
All right, whoo! Oh, yeah, you gotta start Alfred Morris versus that shitty Dallas D.
I'm starting DeSean Jackson because, I mean, I'm gonna start every Redskin I have.
Do you hear yourself right now? Why? The hypocrisy is astounding.
The Shit Heads and the Redskins are the same thing.
Same situation.
No, they're not.
Yes, they are.
No.
There is no difference between a Redskin and a Shit Head-- no difference, Kevin! Excuse me? I'm just saying how the Redskins Oh.
I happen to be an American Indian, and most of us in here are American Indians, seeing how the reservation's right down the road.
Now, what were you saying about the Potawatomi tribe being a bunch of shitheads? No, sir, this is just a huge misunderstanding.
I was using my iPad to set my lineup.
Oh.
The white man's plague, huh? Typhoid? Fantasy football.
No, I think it's typhoid.
Yeah, it's typhoid.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, look, all these boys said was "Redskins.
" Now, last I heard, they're still a football team in the NFL.
Yes, sir, it is.
But I don't like it.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that, chief-- but just like getting your first sniff of tail in the backseat of a convertible, it is a tradition.
An American tradition-- if I am talking about football, I got a God-given right to say "Redskins.
" Whoa.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, look.
This is a very sensitive issue, and a little give and take is natural, unlike the odors emanating out of your bathroom.
Smells like sickly elk shit in there.
What? Not-not helping.
No, no, no Just trying to paint a picture here.
Don't worry.
We're cool, guys.
Yeah, our trophy's actually a little Indian girl.
What? Yeah, yeah, if you win, you get to do whatever you want with her for a full year.
She basically becomes your property.
I kept her in the closet for a year 'cause, honestly, I didn't want to lose her.
What the happening here? What are you shitheads talking about? See, I find that offensive.
You know what, I've had enough of you, Custer.
Oh.
Okay, uh, we should Wrap it up.
Whoa! Run! He pulled a knife! He shot a gun! I clogged both their toilets! Whoa! Go, go, go! Jenny, thanks to you, Ménage à Cinq will become a reality.
I am so glad you're happy.
Honestly, Andre, I had a blast finding it.
And thank you for this whole spread.
This was too nice.
You didn't have to do it.
Well, I am excited to be with you because it's been a very long time since you and I have talked.
Ugh You know, like, really, really talk-- like girl talk.
You know, I mean, who says the hunters have to have all the fun? Mmm We're being shot at by the Redskins! Offensive! We're being shot at by the Washingtons! Why are football players shooting at us? Oh, my God.
Where are we? I don't know.
We don't have any supplies.
We can't go back to the truck.
We're gonna die out here.
I didn't even get to set my lineup.
I still have my gun, but I was only able to get out of there with one beer.
How am I gonna keep my buzz going? Hey.
Oh, I'm glad you made it out of there.
Look who I found.
Rafi Bomb! What's up? What are you doing, Rafi? Oh, God, since I left you guys, I was tracking the bear most of the night.
Didn't get him, but I did find a big, fresh pile of shit that I thought I'd second harvest 'cause it was full of Hershey Kisses.
Spoiler alert, they weren't Hershey Kisses.
It was just more shit.
I ate it all anyway, got sick to my tummy, puked, pooped, jerked off and now I'm here with you bros.
What have you guys been up to? You and Kevin and Bruce have a very complicated relationship, but I get that 'cause I also have a complicated relationship.
Are you talking about your cat? Yes, thank you for asking.
Milady and I are having a very rough patch right now.
I think that she feels like I betrayed her on some level, and since she's been away, I haven't heard a thing.
There's supposed to be a camera in her kennel, but she doesn't even go in front of it.
I think she's sleeping under it.
She's avoiding me.
You know, let's get back to Ménage à Cinq.
But even this I can't even be excited about because I have my relationship with Russell.
God.
I mean, in real life, we are like this, tight, okay? But on the fantasy gridiron, he is so abusive and mean.
It's like, how do you deal with that? What are you talking, Andre? That's why we play fantasy football.
Okay, I threaten to sodomize Kevin all the time.
I don't actually sodomize Kevin.
Even if he asks? What? I mean, has he ever asked you to, like, you know, put a finger up there? No, he doesn't ask! You surprise him with it? I'm not talking about this with you.
It is a sexual organ.
Stop.
Little real talk, guys like it.
Just keep it all compartmentalized, okay? Fantasy is one thing, business is another.
You're fine.
You know what? Russell, I think in the spirit of being good partners, wants to do a trade.
He wants me to give him Keenan Allen and then he's gonna give me Knowshon Moreno.
What do you think? Good? Yeah, yeah, just take it.
Take the trade? Take the trade, right? Take it.
You're the best.
I mean, you know, you and I, we got stuff to do.
I hope those guys stay out in the woods for a very long time.
All right, we'll hide out here, find the highway in the morning.
This isn't working.
This iPad is not throwing heat.
You want to survive the cold, here's what you got to do.
Huddle up.
Come on, you and me, Girl Scout.
Brian, you come cuddle with me.
Uh, no, Pete and I are closer.
Taco, you want to cuddle for warmth? I'm actually really hot.
I'm gonna take this off.
Oh, yeah, okay, cool.
I'm hot, too, so I'm just gonna cuddle with myself, I think.
Look, I want you to know, if we get out here alive, I'm changing my team name.
Thank you, Pete.
To The Banging Jenny Bangers.
Oh, you know what? Asshole.
Ooh, we got a little lovers' quarrel.
Stop it, Bruce, okay? I'm a man who is a little cold right now.
Hey, can I ask you a question? What? Are you and Tall Guy lovers? No! 'Cause Bruce just said you were having a lovers' quarrel.
Rafi, Bruce is an idiot, okay? We're not lovers.
He's just making fun of me.
Don't let him make fun of you.
You need to reach deep inside and let your inner Brian out, okay, because that guy is scary.
You're insane, Rafi.
Yeah, sometimes we all got to be a little insane, Brian, to get what we want.
Now let's get back down there.
You take your pants off, and we'll cuddle until you fall asleep.
What? No, no.
I-I'm gonna go take a walk.
Do you want a hot mouthful of not-milk before bed? I want to be by myself! Wake up.
What? Time to wake up.
Hey, cut it out, man.
What did you do? Did I get my merit badge in knot tying? You untie me, asshole.
Untie yourself, piggy.
You are the worst Boy Scout ever.
Yeah, fat little piggy? Oh, you are so dead.
You are so dead.
Has anybody seen my ninny son-in-law? Bear.
Ah, no, he's just a big pussycat.
No, look, bear.
Hi.
Whoa.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit! Bear! Taco, get your gun.
Good idea.
Help! Untie me! Stand back! Seriously, Ruxin.
Untie me! Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm much more relaxed now.
Your gun is a bong? Yeah, it's my forest bong.
What the hell are you doing? Taking a picture for my team page.
Oh, God! Oh, we're all gonna die, and I'm never gonna see my Laguna beach house.
You were never gonna see it, anyway.
You weren't gonna win the league.
I am rock-hard right now! Anybody else? Oh, God.
All right, everybody, just back up, slowly back up.
Ooh, welcome to Manland.
Get out of here! Kevin! Get out of here! It's working! Yes! Get out of here! Go! Go! Yeah! MacArthurs in the mist are back! Holy shit, what the hell was that? I'll tell you what that was.
That was his inner Brian.
That took cajones, son.
You're all right in my book.
Thanks, Bruce.
We should get out of here, though.
Let's go.
How are we gonna get out of here? Uh, I got nothing.
Wait, what's with all this change? Oh, that's me.
I've been dumping it out since we got here.
I'm almost done.
That's it.
We can follow the change trail right to the highway.
Yeah.
Let's go, come on.
Great idea.
Hey, Ruxin, you got to untie me.
Oh, I don't have an untying badge.
Peace! Hey, Rafi, a little help, please? Sorry, Tall Guy, I got to go murder that bear with my dick.
Run, little bear, run! Oh, thank God it's the road.
Hey, it's a car.
Hey! Stop! Hey! Hey! Help! Oh, thank God.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
What do you know? White men lost in the forest.
Um, please don't hurt us.
Don't worry.
We're not gonna hurt you.
In fact, we're here to give you a lift.
Oh, great.
As soon as you drop the players.
From our lineups? Which players? Washington! Oh, no.
All right, guys, you sign this paperwork, and you two are the proud owners of your very own wine bar.
To Ménage à Cinq.
Oui, oui.
Now, Andre, are you sure you're comfortable providing the capital, the collateral and the bank loan while Russell is merely providing An overall positive attitude and a keen nose for adventure.
Yes, I am, because we're always looking out for each other.
I got your back.
I got your back.
No, no, I got your back more.
I got your back.
I got your back more.
Okay! Let's just sign the paperwork.
Sure.
Knowshon Moreno is injured? You just traded him to me.
Oh, did he get injured again? You screwed me over.
How am I supposed to trust you if I can't trust you here? This is business.
That is fantasy.
No, it isn't.
He's injured in real life.
Oh, it works like that? And you, you told me to take this trade.
Okay, as your Realtor, I give you solid advice on closing this deal.
When it comes to fantasy, I am your opponent, and mama is gonna get that beach house! Okay, you know what, I'm screwed.
It's Sunday morning.
I have no one to pick up.
All right, and I Whoa, look at this.
Ruxin just dropped Pierre Garçon, Pete just dropped Alfred Morris, and Kevin dropped DeSean Jackson? No, no, no, no.
And I'm number one on the waiver wire.
Tefl-Andre is back.
Oh, this is gonna be great.
So, we're still doing this partnership thing, right? Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Oh! Great.
Who does Daddy want? And I'm gonna sign for you, too.
And here.
Andre.
Look at this lineup.
Oh, how'd it go? How was Manland? How'd my little ninny do, Daddy? Oh, Kevin's no ninny.
He's a man.
He is? You can go hunting with me anytime.
Thank you, Bruce.
Come here, babe.
I missed you so much.
I missed you.
Hey.
Let's go upstairs.
Come here.
Whoa! Who is this? I'm Brian.
Bye, Daddy.
There goes my little Banger.