The Neighborhood (2018) s06e08 Episode Script

1
Marty?
There are customers
waiting in the lounge
and no one bringing their cars around.
Yeah, I know, Dad.
Lowell just quit this morning.
Of course he did.
It is impossible to keep
employees these days.
Nobody in your generation wants to work.
Actually, he quit because
he sold a movie script
to Oprah's company, but yeah.
Well, if he wrote it
while he was working here,
I want a percentage.
And your mama get to meet Oprah.
And Gayle.
Mom, you are stressing me out.
You are making this a very big deal,
and I got a lot going on.
Mom, I love you. Love you.
Love you, too, but
you're not hearing me!
Yes, but everyone else is.
I let my mom talk me into coming home
to Calgary for a quick visit,
and suddenly she's throwing
me an enormous baby shower.
- Oh.
- Yes, the pastor's fine.
But the whole congregation?
I love you, too, Mommy.
That woman is gonna be the death of me.
I told her I did not want a baby shower.
Well, the baby is gonna need
a lot of stuff when it comes.
Yes, but a free stroller
and bottle warmer isn't
worth me having to explain
to two dozen old ladies
how I accidentally
let some random dude knock me up.
No offense.
Believe me, I know how moms can get.
(YELLS)
What? What's wrong?
I forgot to invite your mom.
Oh!
Oh, my God! The shower's tomorrow,
- and in another country.
- It's okay. It's okay.
Then why did you scream?
Did I? I shouldn't have.
What am I gonna do?
Your mom is never gonna forgive me.
Courtney, calm down, okay?
(STAMMERS) It's gonna be okay.
This isn't even her kind of thing.
And it's all the way in Canada.
Trust me, you are doing her a favor.
Now she doesn't have to
let you down by saying no.
- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
You think I don't know my own mother?
Okay. All right, you just, you just,
you go and-and have fun.
And, uh, I'll see you when you get back.
Okay, okay, thank you.
- All right.
- "Get back"?
Is she going to lunch already?
No, Dad, she's going to Canada.
Well, she better be back in an hour.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Dinner was fantastic, Gemma.
The steaks were perfect.
- Oh, thanks, Tina.
- Mm-hmm.
Calvin, cognac?
Ah, you're breaking out the 'yac.
(CHUCKLES)
This friendship is finally paying off.
So, Lamar, am I crazy, or did
you take the bus here tonight?
You're not crazy, Gemma.
The Datsun caught on fire.
Ah, that's a bummer.
And you can't afford to buy another car
because you can't find a job.
You can't find a job because
he doesn't have a car.
Mm.
It's quite a pickle.
Well, I'd love to give you a job,
but the school has a very clear policy
on hiring convicted felons.
You can't.
Damn it.
Just wish we knew someone
who owned a private business.
Ah, okay.
I see I've been suckered by the 'yac.
Mm-hmm.
You guys always talk about how good
people deserve a second chance.
Yes, but not from me, Dave.
Besides, I can't help.
I don't have any openings.
Yes, you do. Didn't Lowell the
valet guy just quit this morning?
I had forgotten that. Yes, Tina.
Thank you so much for
that very timely reminder.
Do you really believe Mama wouldn't care
if she wasn't invited
to the baby shower?
Of course she'd care.
She'd be heartbroken.
But that's why she's
never going to find out.
Oh, really, Marty?
This is the same woman who
knew Courtney was pregnant
before Courtney knew she was pregnant.
I know. I know, I know,
but-but this is different.
The shower's all the way in Canada.
And she don't know nobody who's going.
It's not like she has magical powers.
Marty, baby shower.
She's a witch!
I want to throw Courtney a shower.
Let's talk dates.
- Oh, dates!
- Yeah.
- For-for a future shower, yes.
- Yeah.
No! No, no, Courtney doesn't want
a baby shower. She hates showers.
What kind of person hates showers?
Well, she's a millennial and
a Scorpio and a Hufflepuff.
Oh, come on, it'd be a super fun party
where people give you stuff.
I know. She's crazy.
Talk about a milestone.
You know, you never forget
the first day you drop off
your long-lost dad at
his minimum-wage job
just after he gets out of prison.
It's like a great country song.
Listen, just so we're clear, Lamar,
there are a few requirements.
All right, always keep
your uniform clean,
be on time and
don't steal anything.
Roger that.
Uh, Calvin, you promised
not to be prejudiced
against a good man who
deserves a second chance.
No, I said I'd give him a second chance.
I didn't say I wasn't
gonna be prejudiced.
(SIGHS)
- Yo, Marty.
- Oh, hey.
- You're back from Calgary.
- Yes, I am so relieved.
It was crazy. But I survived,
and the baby got a ton of great gifts.
And I made it back in
time for trivia night.
Trivia night!
We are going to crush that team
- of cocky dental hygienists
- Yes.
the Flossy Posse? (SCOFFS)
Boo.
Sorry, di uh, did
I hear trivia night?
Because I am fantastic at trivia.
And I have no plans tonight, guys.
Nothing.
David.
Well, I know, but we already have four.
Uh, it's me, Courtney,
Malcolm and Julian.
Here you go, boss man.
- That Julian?
- Yeah.
The coffee guy?
He knows a million random facts.
- Yeah. Julian?
- Yo.
Smallest Great Lake.
By volume, Erie.
By area, Ontario.
Come on. Give me some, all right.
And yet he wrote "Clavion" on my latte.
Oh, hey, do me a favor.
Keep an eye out for boxes
- at your house.
- Why?
Well, people are constantly
stealing packages at my building,
so I sent all the baby shower
gifts to your house.
Oh, okay.
(LAUGHS, STAMMERS)
When are they arriving?
Well, the online registry stuff
should start getting there today.
Today? Today, today.
As-as in today.
Oh, so convenient.
Yeah.
(PHONE RINGING)
(GROANS) Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(CHUCKLES) Shello?
Malcolm, this is no time for shello.
Courtney sent the baby
shower gifts to our house.
When Mom sees it,
she's gonna be more upset
than when En Vogue broke up.
Remember she came and
got us out of school?
Oh, yeah, that was bad.
You know what? Hey, do not panic.
Okay? Let me go check, baby bro.
Okay.
(GRUNTS) Okay.
Oh, whoa!
- I'm gonna get these inside.
- Okay. Hurry, hurry.
Oh, my God!
Malcolm? Malcolm, what is it?
Hello, Malcolm.
So I'm supposed to believe
she just forgot to invite me
to a secret Canadian baby shower?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Okay.
Okay.
And, uh (CLEARS THROAT)
Marty, he didn't want you to know
because he thought that
you might be mad.
Oh, I'm not mad.
You're not? (LAUGHS) Mama, that is good.
I'm more numb.
Numb with sadness.
I am so sorry, Mama.
Is there, uh, is there
anything I can do to help?
You can meet a girl, get her pregnant,
and invite me to the baby shower.
I was thinking more like frozen yogurt.
Hey, Calvin.
Look at my dad out
here busting his hump.
Yes, he is.
I hate to admit it, but you were right.
Yeah. Hey, you know, I was thinking.
Maybe we should take you and Tina
out to drinks at Ernie's tonight.
You know, celebrate how
well this is all going.
Is this just so you can
say, "I told you so"?
Yeah, well, pretty much.
Well, if you're buying,
you can say whatever you want.
And if your dad keeps working like this,
he's gonna be employee of the month.
What, uh, does employee
of the month get?
They get to work another month.
Good enough.
She wasn't mad?
No, I wish. She was sad.
Oh, no, that's bad.
Okay, okay, here's what I'm thinking.
This is one of those problems
that just goes away
if you avoid it.
Like the "check engine" light.
Okay, I feel like you're
mocking me with that answer.
- Yes.
- But yes.
Marty, what if Courtney
finds out you lied?
You told her Mama wouldn't
care about the shower.
Mom and Courtney barely see each other.
- How's she gonna find out?
- (DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
Well, off the top of my head,
I can think of one way.
Wait a minute, does that sign say ?
Is it trivia night?
- Oh, God.
- Guys, we should play.
This is starting to feel
like another Dave setup.
I'm getting good at them, right?
- (CHUCKLES)
- Hey
Mommy. (LAUGHS)
I am so glad to see you,
because when I told you that Courtney
wasn't having a baby shower,
I just assumed you
meant in this country.
Canadian showers are
completely different.
It's like how they have
their own Thanksgiving,
but it's on a different
day, so nobody cares.
It's fine, Marty.
- It is?
- Yes.
I got a lot of clarity today.
I know that I will never be a
part of my grandchild's life.
And I now know that
your word means nothing.
No, w that is not fine.
- Mommy
- Hey, Marty. Hi, Mrs. B.
Oh, you don't have to call me Mrs. B.
Just call me "random lady,"
because that's all I'll ever
be to my grandchild.
(AIR HORN BLOWS)
All right, you drunken
brainiacs, it's trivia time!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Marty, why is your mom mad at me?
Well, that's a it's a quagmire
in sort of an enigma,
inside of a conundrum.
It's a toughie. (LAUGHS)
And final question of the round.
One point for every correct answer.
Name the noble gases.
- Oh, noble gases? We got this.
- Yeah.
- I can't believe you, Marty.
- Courtney, please.
Hey, hey, hey, guys, guys,
can we please focus?
- We need some answers.
- I need some answers.
Why did you tell me
your mom would be fine
not going to the shower?
Because I was trying to
make everyone happy.
Oh, then, well done.
Look how happy everyone is.
Ah.
DAVE: Argon, radon, krypton,
oganesson. Got them all.
GEMMA: Dave, would you chill?
Can't you see how emotional Tina is?
Yes, uh, but you know what would
make her feel better? Winning.
Calvin, uh, number four.
Are you sure that these are
all the Pam Grier movies
of the 1970s?
Dave, I told you, I know my Pam Grier.
It was me, Pam and my VCR.
We had a thang.
(BOTH LAUGH)
It was a friendship.
(BELL DINGS)
And that's time. Pencils down.
Look at this.
It's a damn travesty.
Marty, we got five blank questions, man.
Courtney was distracting me.
You could have just made
up some answers, Marty.
Apparently, lies are your specialty.
And I had to go to a real dark place
to name all these serial killers.
And for what?
Marty, we need to do
something about this.
Okay, don't worry.
I have a solution.
We just give her the baby.
I'm not giving your mom my baby.
Okay, yeah, when you say
it like that, of course
This, uh, might be the
skinny piña colada talking,
but, uh, you guys blow.
Come on, Dave, our rideshare is here.
- We got to get home to Grover.
- Ooh, Grover.
Furry blue Muppet, debuted
on Sesame Street in 1970.
Booyah.
(GRUNTS)
I bet you didn't expect
to have trivia winners
in your car tonight, huh?
And, yes, I did have a piña colada.
Ask me if I paid for it. You can ask me.
- Okay, Dave, Dave. Calm down.
- Ask me. Uh, sir?
Sir, sir, I requested a chatty
driver, and I'd like to chat.
Nice night, huh?
- Dad?
- Lamar?
Where did you get this car?
It's a loaner.
Is this one of the Fusebox cars?
Well, now you're just
jumping to conclusions.
Am I?
- These are Fusebox floor mats.
- (GEMMA GASPS)
I didn't want to get the car dirty.
A good way to not get it dirty
would be not to steal it.
Steal it?
The kids call it a "side hustle."
The owner literally handed me the keys
and told me to take good care of it.
I don't think he meant
- to pick up passengers in it.
- No.
You didn't hear the way he said it.
- (GROANS)
- (CAR POWERS OFF)
What happened?
I don't know. The car just stopped.
Why?
Don't ask me. It's not my car.
Well
When was the last time you charged it?
You know, I've been meaning to look up
how often you got to do that.
♪
Hey, morning, Calvin.
Just, uh, dropping off your
new favorite employee.
Yeah. Hey, Lamar, the silver
Hyundai we worked on yesterday,
it's only half charged.
Hmm, uh, charger must be broken.
Yeah, I bet that's
what it is. (CHUCKLES)
I'm sure that's what it is.
Has to be what it is.
Happens to phone chargers,
happens to car chargers.
Case closed.
Well-well, didn't we run diagnostics
- on all of the chargers?
- Well, in that case,
could be something else,
could be anything else.
Could be a million things. Yeah.
It is a mystery that, frankly,
may never be solved.
In fact, we might as well stop trying.
Yeah, you should definitely stop.
Lamar, would you please plug the
Hyundai up to another charger?
- You got it, boss.
- Thank you.
Thanks for covering for me.
You're a good son.
Yeah, maybe, but I'm a terrible friend.
You know, that's the first
time I've ever lied to Calvin.
I mean, except for the time
that I told him his gazpacho
wasn't too salty.
It was inedible.
It was like eating a bowl of ocean.
♪
(CHILDREN BABBLING OVER TV)
Hey, Mom?
Can we talk?
Sure.
Just watching home movies,
when things were simple.
Just me and Mama's little babies.
Aww.
Is that Marty in the school play?
Yeah. He was terrible.
He just stood there.
I was playing a tree.
Okay. Mom? Uh
I need you to know how sorry I am.
Okay? This whole thing was all my fault.
No, it's not, Marty.
It all started because I made
an awful, stupid mistake,
forgetting to invite you.
It hurt your feelings,
and I am so sorry.
I guess I could have been a
little more understanding.
I know what baby brain is like.
(CHUCKLES) One time, I got confused
and put breast milk in Calvin's coffee.
- Ew.
- He loved it.
- Ew.
- Ew.
But that's it exactly.
(SIGHS) I'm so scattered.
I'm screwing up left and right.
But I don't just want you to
be a part of this baby's life.
I need you.
You do?
I do. My mom is 2,000 miles away.
MARTY: Yeah, and we're both
gonna be working full-time,
so we gonna need somebody
to dump this baby on.
You'd dump that baby on me?
(LAUGHS): Ooh
- Tina?
- Not now, Gemma!
Uh, but it's an emergency.
I've got clumpy gravy on the stove
and I don't know what to do.
Gemma, I thought we agreed you
would never attempt gravy again.
You don't have what it takes.
Okay, before you say
anything else hurtful.
ALL: Surprise!
What is happening?
It's a baby shower.
Well, actually, it's a grandma shower
for our baby's Glammy T.
- That's me.
- Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
- Here you go.
- Oh, my God oh
Look, I know I said I forgave
you earlier, but I was lying.
Now I forgive you.
Ooh!
Ooh, let me steal one of these.
(CHUCKLES)
- He knows.
- Who?
Calvin. He's on to us.
I walked past him with a
tray of pigs in a blanket,
and he said, "Let me
steal one of those."
Seems pretty innocent.
Excuse me. Oh, man.
These things are so good,
man, they should be a crime.
(SOFT LAUGHTER)
They're not that good.
- What are you talking about?
- Stop toying with me.
God, you're like a cat, and
I'm like your little mouse.
Son, it's okay. He's racked with guilt.
Calvin, you know that
car that wasn't charged?
It's because I drove it for a
ridesharing service last night.
Whoa, whoa. You took a customer's
car from the Fusebox?
You got to understand,
I'm desperate to make money
so I can come around more.
I-I just got my family back
and I don't want to lose them.
But I told Dave to lie to you about it,
and for that, I'm sorry.
Oh, but you're not sorry
about the grand theft auto?
That, too?
Look, I'm sorry, Calvin.
You know, Dave, I've never
known you to be a liar.
I mean, you've been a
lot of other things.
A nuisance, a pest,
a pain in the ass,
an overtalker, a bad dresser.
But I know if you lied,
then, it must have been
for an important reason.
It was.
All right, I guess this one time,
I'm just gonna look past it.
So I can keep my job?
Oh, no. You're fired.
I'm just not gonna call the police.
Okay. Well, thank you.
But I tell you what, I know for a fact
that Motor Boys on
Marengo, they're hiring.
And I would be more than happy
to write you a glowing recommendation.
You'd do that for me?
No.
He's doing it for me.
No. I'm doing it because
I hate Motor Boys.
Feel free to steal everything
under the roof.
I will.
Let's see. (GASPS)
Oh, so sweet.
Now I don't have to say it.
- Yeah.
- Aww.
- So cute.
- Mm-hmm.
Glammy T?
Open this one next.
Ooh.
(GASPS) Oh, my goodness.
- Ah!
- How cute.
(GASPS)
Matching sneakers!
(WAILING)
(CRYING)
You know, I've seen Mama
ugly-cry before, but Marty?
Well, he is his mama's boy.