The Office (US) s06e08 Episode Script

- Stanley? - Thank you.
Oh,no,no,no.
I got a pumpernickel just for you.
H and h.
You went all the way to new york city to get us bagels? Oh,why,is there a place closer that sells them? This was really nice,dwight.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
Oh,don't mention it.
You owe me one.
You all owe me one.
- Good morning,michael.
- Good morning,dwight.
Hungry? No.
I had a fish stick sandwich.
Actually,i had two fish stick sandwiches.
My girlfriend didn't want hers, because i guess i'm the only aphrodisiac she needs.
Fish sticks are not an aaphrodisiac.
You're thinking of deer penis.
It worked.
Regardless,that was over two hours ago, and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry--bagel? I don't mind if i do.
Okay,i brought cheese too.
I'm taking one for my lady friend.
- Excellent.
- Brain food.
- Thank you very much.
- Okay.
You owe me.
Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor, which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Jeez When did everyone get so cynical? Proudly Presents Season 6 Episode 8 Pam,would you care for a bagel? Oh,no,thank you.
Oh,that's right,you're a woman,and you need to refuse food the first time.
I'll try again.
Please,pam,reconsider and have a bagel.
I have an early lunch.
Michael's been trying to get jim and me to hang out ever since he started dating my mom.
I don't know,i really hoped this thing would just die out.
But today he's planning a birthday lunch for my mom,and we have to go.
No way out.
No way out.
These are amazing.
You took all these? I've always found beauty in uncommon places.
Homeless people.
Graffiti photography lets me capture all that.
Have you ever been photographed before? Just by,like,friends.
Well,here's what i've been doing around here.
It's for a series on exposure in the workplace.
Pammy? - Hey - hi.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
Girlsthere they are.
Birthday lunch.
Birthday lunch-- there's no better medicine than birthday lunch.
It'll cure all of your,"gee,i don't know if michael should be dating my mother," and fixes all occurrences of,"i don't really see them together.
" so open wide,pam,and take a big ol' spoonful of birthday lunch medicine.
Take with food.
Pam,aren't you gonna introduce us to michael's girlfriend? I think you guys all remember my mom from the wedding.
Yeah,i think everyone's met helene.
Shall we? Wait a minute,is that another birthday present for me? 'Cause you already gave me a necklace.
Oh,my god,i love it.
- Tell her how you gave it to me.
- No,that wouldn't be he put it around my neck while i was still asleep this morning.
What a nice way to wake up.
Yeah,the rest of the story has been censored due to inappropriosity.
- Because of sex? - Kevin! Hey,please,kevin You're fired.
Sorry.
Work with a bunch of idiots.
- Shall we go? - Yes,let's go.
Oh,wait.
Swartz lumber is on the phone for you,pam,and they say it's urgent.
You guys,just one second.
Oh,my gosh! Are you serious? Shipping emergency.
I don't think i can go to lunch.
Oh,man,that's crazy.
We were on our way out too.
I know.
Isn't that always how it goes? Rarely,if ever.
Let me give it a whirl.
- I want to handle it.
- That's okay.
- I feel like.
- It's my pleasure.
Hello?Well,that's great.
Turns out the paper was there all along.
Oh,thank god.
Something's up.
That paper was never supposed to arrive.
So,pammy,are you still liking sales? Yeah.
It's exciting.
Uh,you know,michael and i were talking, and maybe if you put in a little more face-to-face time with your clients, you could improve your sales.
Pam's sales are fine,actually.
Just want you to succeed,pammy.
You know what?We shouldn't even be talking about business today.
Thank you.
Today's about family.
Why did i get in the car? I could have struggled.
I have a whistle in my purse.
I didn't even blow it.
Oh,dwight,i have a little surprise for you.
Let me guess,you ate the bagel i gave you and loved it.
Yes.
And i wanted to return the favor.
I was polishing my loafers, and i happened to look over and notice that your briefcase was a little worse for the wear.
So a little elbow grease,and she's polished right up,back to her former glory.
- Oh,well - Feel it against your cheek.
I will.
You give me a gift--Thank you note.
You invite me somewhere--Rsvp.
You do me a favor--Favor returned.
Do not test my politeness.
Let me get that door for you.
- there we go.
- Thank you very much.
- And i got it for you.
- Oh,goodness.
Thanks Hey,you know,here's a healthy fitness tip.
If you clench your buttocks together while walking, you can really take the pressure off your knees.
- Is that right? - Observe.
- Right? - That really works.
Yeah,feel free to use that anytime.
- Okay - hold on a second.
Do not walk around with your jacket cattywampus.
And that needs to be straight as an arrow.
Thank you very much.
- Oh,boy.
- Okay.
Thank you very much for that.
- Have a seat.
Please.
- Have a seat yourself.
You know what,i am going to preemptively change the batteries in your wireless mouse.
- Not necessary.
- No,no,no.
You don't have to do that.
Andy is complicating things.
But i'm not worried.
This will only up my game.
Hello.
"scott," table for four.
Welcome,scott family.
It'll be just a moment.
I used to love coming here.
The chicken parm is good.
Big part of my childhood.
Oh,maybe michael will start dating that too.
What table should we take? So many to choose from.
- Oh,my god! - What? All i see are boring old tables with no birthday decorations.
Oh,wait a second! You mean this one? Michael,you did all this? It's not about taking credit.
Let's just say we all did it.
Well,thank you.
All of you.
Well,it was actually me alone,so.
Wow,look at this place.
It really makes me want to go to italy someday.
Oh,you'll love it.
You can have my guide books.
I think i'm done with those really long plane rides.
Oh,thank you for-- thanks for lending me the book.
So,mom,which birthday are we celebrating this year? Oh,sticking with 49.
That's nine years in a row.
This is now our longest family tradition.
That's funny.
Well,as long as you're running numbers,pam,help me out with this one.
Let's see,honey,you're six months pregnant, but you've only been married for 30 days.
So what does that add up to? Ooh,burn.
Burn on you.
And a little bit on me too.
You're 54 years old.
No,i'm 58.
You're 58 years old? Congratulations.
The only time you should care about a woman's age is if she is too young for you.
And i am not robbing the cradle.
If anything,i am robbing the grave.
Mom,have you decided what you want to be called? I like "nana.
" but i also like the classic "grandma.
" - please be grandma.
I want you to be grandma.
- Definitely a grandma.
Michael,what do you think?Grandma? Grandma.
Hey,would you guys ever do a triathlon,you think? Maybe.
Helene? Oh,oh,no.
I don't think so.
I am.
I'm definitely gonna do it.
I've already got the run and the bike thing down.
I just need to learn how to swim.
Come on,you in? No,no,i think a triathlon is pretty much something i can rule out.
It just doesn't interest me.
So it's a matter of interest.
Good.
Okay.
It's not anything you would have ever done.
Mm,i might have done it when i was younger, but now there are just other things that i'd rather be doing than running and jumping.
Well,there's no jumping in a triathlon.
You're thinking the broad jump.
Would you try - Bungee jumping? - No.
- Snowboarding? - No,no.
You want to go snowboarding? I might.
Michael,what are you talking about? Nothing.
Just life and Doing things Before you die.
I don't know.
Do i really want to go snowboarding? No.
But i-- i would like to if i wanted to.
What's going on in here? Andy bought lunch.
Oh,no,really? Took a page right out of the old schrute book of niceness.
There is no book.
There's only a survival guide.
You bought breakfast for everyone,so i got lunch for everyone.
Okay,well,allow me.
You know what-- gosh,these tacos are awfully complicated to make.
I will make everyone's tacos.
So we should get the check? - What about your gift,michael? - Oh,no,no,no.
No,it's stupid.
You'd hate it.
I hate it.
- I'm sure i won't.
- Yes,you will.
He locked himself in his office all morning working on it.
Oh,gimme!Look at this wrapping paper.
It's got the word "love" on it in every language! I literally--i put no thought into the wrapping at all.
Might as well have been toilet paper.
Toilet paper "a scrapbook of our first memories,"by michael gary scott.
For my girlfriend helene on your birthday.
" that's just an arbitrary title.
Okay,here's a penny.
- What's that from? - Penny for your thoughts.
It was from the wishing well at the mall.
You threw it in,and i went back later,waded in,and i found it.
That's amazing! It's not amazing at all.
It's sort of weird that i went and did that.
And now your wish won't come true,so that blows.
- A poem.
- Oh,that i plagiarized,i think.
"i cannot go to school today said little peggy ann mckay," - is that shel silverstein? - Yeah.
"i have the measles and the mumps,a gash,a rash,and purple bumps, and my teacher's really mean-- happy birthday,i love you,helene.
" that's really nice,michael.
Well,i think it sucks.
I think it's wonderful.
Absolutely wonderful.
Well,that's because you and i have very different taste.
And you like lame things.
It's a generational sort of gap between us.
God,a scrapbook.
Home run,michael.
- You set the bar so high.
- That was a bunt.
Whoa,whoa,whoa,dwight,i'm gonna do this.
Hey,hey,hey,relax.
I got it covered.
- No,no,no.
- No,i insist.
Okay,dwight,this is ridiculous.
Don't worry about it.
You can just owe me.
Hey,where'd you go? Oh,just went to the bathroom.
And then you stopped at the bar on the way back? Got thirsty.
Okay,weirdo.
Come on,it's time for cake.
Oh,okay.
Honestly,for a long time i thought i was going to grow old with holly.
And then i met helene,and she is great.
And she already knows and has done everything that i have ever wanted to do, and can tell me about it.
But i think i want to do those things myself.
The cake's really good.
Oh,i know.
I love it when they use butter-cream frosting.
Finish your cake,helene.
I want you to enjoy that cake because i have something terrible i need to tell you, and i want you to enjoy your cake before i tell you this terrible,terrible thing.
Al helene,i think you're a wonderful person, and i--god,i've enjoyed dating you and being your boyfriend so much.
But i ve to consider pam's feelings.
As a friend and a -worker, i cannot in good conscience continue to date you when i knowhat this is doing to her.
Michael-- michael,it's--it's okay.
No,it's n.
I know that it took me a little while to come aund, and it's still a little ird to get used to,but you obviously make my mom very happy.
And that makes me happy.
Wow,tt just-- u've really grown.
Well Oh,thank you,pam.
And i hope you're as gracious during this next part.
Hene,once again,you are a wonderful person,and you have lived a great life.
And i envy it.
And i want it,someday.
But just in the ture.
You need somebody who-- o understands your references.
Who is kafkaesque? I've never--i n't know him.
There's another woman,and her name is italy ii and skydiving And ngee jumping.
Okay,so And i want kids.
And you,unfortunately,have already completed that part of your journey down there.
- Michael! - It's not my decision.
It's mother nature.
Anmother has very strict rules about fertility.
Yeah,i,um I got it.
I'm 58.
What am i supposed to do now? - Well,hobbies - Stop.
- What's going on? - Stupid thing wedged up there.
No one in this office will help me.
Move it.
What id dwight dies and i still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost.
- Oh,yeah,you're gonna owe me big tim.
- it's like a litt envelthere you go.
G it.
"to dwight"? A starbucks gift card.
Surprise! It's for everybody.
$15 valu.
damn it!I am no closer toaking jim down.
Ugh,what a waste of the day.
I could have grown poison mushrooms that'd be this high by now! They're mushrooms.
They don't get that high.
Pamela beesly halpert.
- What? - Ii may i have a word with you in my office,please? I am working.
Well This is a work-related matter.
- Really? - Yes.
- Really? - Yes.
Join me,please,won't you? - I'm going to give you a raise,pam.
- Y? Because of all the gd work you've done.
I have the lowest salerecord of anyone here.
No,just,just d't,no.
It's not about numbers,pam.
It's about attitude.
I have the worst attitude of any person re.
Do you want the raise or what? - Yeah,i'll take it.
- Okay.
Hey,pam.
With this raise there are strings attached.
Anthe string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.
You're bribing me.
No,no.
No,am not.
Unless you want me to.
You want me to? 'Cause iill.
I will bribe you.
Noyour face is saying don't.
Unless i haven't offered you enough.
Yourace isn't changing.
What is it? Talk to me,face.
Tell me what pam's brain is thinking.
Oh,come on,what do you want?What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want toit me? You want me to get down on one knee and beg you? - I want to hit you.
- What? I want to hit you.
I'll do that.
Okay.
What? I don't-- are you kidding? No.
Are u kidding? Ye--no.
I don't-- all right,come on.
I'll take off my jacket d tense my stoma,and you just No,i dot think i can hit you in t office.
Ay.
So we'll do it after work m? In t parking lot.
In front of everyone.
I'm gonna hit you as hard as i c.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- See you en.
- Seyou.
Quick question.
Are you scared? Never.
About what? A litt.
What are you talking about? Heard about the punch.
- What punch? - Pam.
She's gonna punch the crap out of your face ter work.
I'm pretty sure we said "slap.
" no,it's aunch.
And pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now.
I'm getting concerned th you don't seem to understand what's going to happen.
Do you? Uh.
M good.
All right,see you tre.
- Do you and pam ever get frisky? - Inappropriate.
I mean,do you er wrestle with each other? - L the time.
- Really? - Is she strong? - She wants it bad,michael.
Can you st this? - I can.
- Okay.
- And i don't support her choice to hit you.
- I n't either.
But at the same time,she goes crazy.
And i do understand her reasoning.
I know.
I just need some time.
- Give me some time to think about it.
- You gottdo something.
- Give me some time to make a decision.
- How much time doou need? - No me than a week.
Maybe two.
- Come on,man! Pam,can i talk to you for a second? i heard about the hit.
Just to be sure,it's off company property,right? - Right.
- Okay i think it should probably be okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
And The--the power comes from the back foot.
So it's all one tion througthe body.
So there's-- you stay a little low.
There's a twist.
You keep your shoulder down.
U kind of throw t the arm.
Okay,wait.
It's-- you're saying it comes from thfoot? Yes.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey,everybo,he's not in the men's room, although the seat was rm,so we may have just missed him.
My money's on pam.
It's not a fight what other outcome could there be? Michaecould win.
How? Hean't his back.
Why can't you just agree with me sometimes? Am i scared of getting hit in the face?No.
Every day,weirdos pay dominatrices hundreds of dollars for that very privilege.
I'm scared i'm gonna love it.
Let's do this! It's okay,guys,i can handle this.
Everybody can go home.
We're here for the show,michael.
You'reust a bunch of voyeurs.
Are you eating popcorn? Has almost no calories.
You ready? Yes.
- You ve to keep your hands down,michael.
- I know.
okay.
All right.
No!God! Michael!You have to keep your hds down.
Put your hands in your pockets.
Okay.
Pam!Pam M really sorry.
I'm sorry.
What are you sorry for? So many things.
I don't know,it's hard to choose.
How 'bout for dating my mom.
- Maybe that's - and dumping her on her birthday.
Yes.
Okay,just Don't ever date a member of my family again.
Okay.
No problem.
For the record,your mom came on to me.
Holy crap! - Are you okay? - No! You're okay.
Feel better? No.
You were right.
Com wait,why are you limping? I don't know.
Let's get some raw meat on that face.
I've got a chicken in the freezer upstairs.
As i watched pam's big,strong hand coming toward my face, i saw my entire life flash before my eyes.
And guess what.
I have four kids.
And i have a hover-car and a hover-house.
And my wife is a runner,and it shows.
And pam and jim are my best friends,and our kids play together.
And i am happy,i'm rich,and i never die.
It doesn't sound like much,but it's enough for me.
Good,good.
Just keep it on there for another five minutes.
Let the swelling go down.
Oh,thank you.
Thanks.
I owe you one,dwight.
Fire jim.
No.
I'm cashing in the favor.
Fire him! - What are you talk - do it! Promote me.
- Tri-managers? - Forget that.
- Can i have an office? - No.
You know what?You can keep your stupid favor.
It's worthless.
And this is my dinner on your face.
I'm keeping it! Oh,that feels better.