What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s06e08 Episode Script

1
Hi.
- Hello.
- Hey.
Okay, moving on.
[NANDOR] What is this shit?
Oh Uh, Hold there, please.
- But I am going home.
- It's just gonna be for a few seconds.
We're just in the middle
of shooting something.
Very cool. What are we shooting?
- Dogs? Criminals?
- [CREW MEMBER 1] Cut.
I'm not allowed to say, but what
[CREW MEMBER 1] Adam, we're cutting.
Cut! Brad, can you go to two?
- Who is Brad?
- Brad's 10-1, copy. Okay.
10'1"! What a tall fellow this Brad is.
Copy. All right, we're
moving to the dolly shot!
Dolly? Nadja would be
devastated if her dolly was shot.
No, I must intervene.
No. We're going again.
[ADAM SCREAMS]
Shit, shit, shit. Shitty, shitty, shit.
Gentlemen. Gentlemen.
Gentlemen, we are under attack.
A militia has assembled
on our territory.
- [LASZLO] I know!
- It's not a militia.
They're just filming a TV show.
Well, this TV show has
invaded our territory.
They are attacking us with their trucks
and their lights and
their gigantic Brads.
Nandor thinks everything is a war.
Yet this time,
he's absolutely right.
- It's called PI Undercover: New York.
- [Nandor gasps]
[COLIN] It's a police
procedural in its fourth season.
"Detective Jack Mancuso
is brought to life with deft sensitivity
by a never-better Cal Bodian."
"Brought to life"? Who is this man?
Some kind of necromancer?
- No. Worse. He's an actor.
- [NANDOR] Shit.
[COLIN] Now, wading
down into the comments.
"Winsomely compelling
copaganda," says C-Rob-69 at
- Oh, wait. That was me.
- Drivel for the unwashed.
The Bard, how he weeps.
[THUDS]
- What the blazes?
- Fucking
[CAR ALARM BEEPS]
[LASZLO] Why is there a
fucking truck in our garden?
[CREW MEMBER 1] Entering the property.
There's an enemy at
the gate. Hold the line.
- Shit. Guys, I'm so sorry.
- [CREW MEMBER 2] You good?
Yeah. I'm with the owners.
Yeah, same location.
Don't worry, insurance
is gonna cover all this.
We should disembowel this guy.
- Let's fucking kill him.
- [CREW MEMBER 3] Quiet on set.
- We're rolling.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Sorry!
Don't sing If you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You've sold out your
dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Not bad. Not bad at all, ya stud.
What are you up to, you creamy snake?
All dressed up like a bowl of millet.
I am getting ready to
go to a friend's house
for a dinner party,
thank you very much.
You don't have any friends.
Uh, yeah, I do.
I've got the Monster and my boy, Joel.
Uh, w-what is a Joel? Joel?
I'm always talking about Joel.
We used to work together a few
years ago in the same office.
Pushing paper around,
- generally getting after it.
- Hmm.
Yeah, I love Joel. Could never
bring myself to drain the guy.
So why have we never heard about him?
Well, he and I drifted
apart a few years ago
when he, uh, married Becky.
He has a very nice, pinched face.
Anyway, he called me up
last week and was like,
"Hey, bruh. Wanna come
over for some grub, bruh?"
And I was like, "Sure,
bruh. What time, bruh?"
And he was like, "Uh, 7:00, 7:30, bruh."
- Could I come with you?
- Um
Why am I doing this?
Ever since I have been
working up the career ladder
at Cannon Capital,
I have been absolutely loving
my deliciously mild human interactions.
And I really want the
chance to, you know,
practice my human small talk.
"Oh, hey, hon. Love that
top. Where is it from?
Online? Great. I love online.
My allergies are bonkers today.
Sneezing, sneezing, sneezing.
I think I'm gonna go low-key
for my birthday this year."
Or, "I did the Harris Potter quiz,
and I got Slytherin. Aw." [CHUCKLES]
You know, I'm trying really hard
to get back to normal with Joel.
And I worry if I showed
up with a nightmare
in a Civil War ghost's dress,
it might freak him the fuck out.
I think it would make
you look like Mr. Bigs
from the Sexy City show
to have such a mouse woman on your arm.
- Squeak, squeak.
- Eh. Fuck it, why not? Sure.
Yay.
- [LASZLO] Gizmo!
- [NANDOR] Guillermo.
[LASZLO] Wake up, you little prick.
[NANDOR] Get the fuck up.
- What? What? Why? What?
- Invaders have just rammed a hole
- in our garden wall.
- Sorry, I must've fallen asleep.
You need to get up.
We need weapons, not
this fancy-ass shit.
We are about to launch
a counteroffensive.
We need sickles and
scythes and weaponry.
No. Whatever this is,
it sounds like a bad idea. Don't do it.
We're being invaded. We
will not go empty-handed.
We are about to conquer a production
known as PI Undercover: New York.
- What? Are you serious?
- Oh, yes.
- Right now?
- Yes.
- Are they? Move!
- [LASZLO] Wait!
- [NANDOR] Guillermo, wait!
- Where? Where?
[NANDOR] Guillermo, you cannot
take them on single-handedly.
No. Don't ruin this for me, okay?
That is my favorite show ever.
PIUNY.
[CHUCKLES] It's the perfect
cozy, rainy-day show.
But it's so much more than that.
PI Undercover: New York is, like,
the crown jewel of the PI
Undercover extended universe.
I mean, I love the
original PI Undercover
and PI Undercover:
London, but PIUNY, ah,
just hits different.
I mean, I've seen every
episode, like, 12 times.
Essentially, it's a
meditation on grief because
It's fantastic.
In fact, last summer I
cosplayed as Jack Mancuso
at the Philadelphia Comic Con.
All the subreddit haters
were, like, so jelly.
Gizmo, you sound like a fuckwit.
Do you think Cal Bodian's over there?
Do you think he'll sign my zine?
[GUILLERMO IMITATES TRUMPET]
My PI Undercover fanzine.
I've done everything myself.
I just took a guess
about the chest hair.
He wants a Cambodian to sign his what?
Mmm.
[COLIN] Now, fair warning.
The stuff Joel and I used to talk about
was not necessarily
family-friendly, so
Like what?
- Eh. Just guy stuff.
- [SCOFFS] Like what?
- Don't worry about it.
- Tell me.
- I'll tell you later.
- No, tell me now.
- Boobs.
- Hmm.
[JOEL] They're here!
Hey! [CHUCKLES]
- There he is.
- [NADJA CHUCKLING]
- What's up? What's up?
- Oh, my G What's up?
This is look at him.
- The prodigal cubicle-mate returns.
- Hey!
- Hi.
- Hello.
Thank you so much for coming.
This is Nadja, my girlfriend.
I have heard so much about you, and wow.
Your top is so lovely and warm.
Reminds me of, um, PSL season.
Pumpkin spice latte. I love those.
I never know if people
are on on drugs.
- What What is all this?
- Oh, Nadja, she's a YouTuber.
Huge, uh, YouTuber.
Search "Carrie Bradshaw walking"
and you'll find my channel.
- She films everything, you know?
- Hello.
- Mostly
- Welcome.
- [COLIN] Oh.
- [JOEL] This is Becky.
- [COLIN] What the "hecky?" Hi, Becky.
- Hello, Colin. How are you?
I'm well. How are you? Uh,
this is Nadja, my girlfriend.
Nice to pleasure.
Girlfriend. It's
It's lovely to meet you.
I'm gonna go check on the salmon.
I hope by salmon you mean wine.
'Cau I'm a woman. I love wine.
No, I meant fish.
Well, ladies to the kitchen, men
to the conversation. [CHUCKLES]
You go do it, girlfriend.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Listen, I know you
said no gifts, but, uh,
- there you go. [LAUGHING]
- This is totally unnecessary.
But I ain't mad at it.
I'm surprised you actually
had time to have us over
with the season starting soon
and pitchers and catchers
reporting in, like, 11 days.
Go Mets, right? [CHUCKLES]
You know what? I'm not even
really feeling baseball anymore.
Those fucking rule changes.
- It's a Mike Piazza baseball card.
- Yeah, I didn't know.
- Is it signed?
- It is.
So, I spent the last two weeks
binge-watching every Mets game
from the past seven years.
Baseball is extremely slow, even for me.
That's a lot of time
I'm not gonna get back.
So, baseball's out.
What are you into now?
- We watch Top Chef.
- Top Chef. Yeah, me too. Me too.
- Cool.
- Where's your bathroom?
I need to do a a number three. [LAUGHS]
- What?
- Ayo.
I don't un what's a three?
- Remember on our days in the office?
- Yeah.
We would go down to the third floor
to do our big smelly poos.
- I think I kinda remember that.
- Where's your bathroom?
- It's upstairs.
- Okay.
- [NADJA] So nice.
- [BECKY] Thank you.
A little kiss for my "banooney."
And one for me, my banana.
[NADJA AND COLIN CHUCKLE]
Act normal.
Your taste is just
Thank you. I just like solid colors.
Hmm. Maroon.
[CREW MEMBERS CLAMOR]
Traveling to base camp.
You over at video village?
Let us storm their base camp.
And lay waste to their video village.
- [CREW MEMBER 3] Last looks.
- Indeed they are.
- [LASZLO] Et tu, Seanie?
- Hey, fellas.
- What the shit?
- I rent my bathroom out to the crew.
He has succumbed to the King's shilling.
Oh, come on. I do this all the time.
You know how many movies
have wanted to rent
my little potty?
We have lost our greatest ally
to the other side. Let's go.
Think about all the legendary piss
that's flowing through those pipes.
Diane Keaton's piss.
Jim Carrey's piss!
Mike Barbooglio's piss!
The salmon smells amazing, Becky!
I hope it's as good as Tiffani Faison's
monkfish from Top Chef season one.
[CHUCKLES]
Please let me help with, um,
the touching and the boiling.
No. No, you're fine. Just relax.
Tell me, how how
did you and Colin meet?
Oh, yes. Uh
Let us gossip like two
little brain-dead bitches.
Does, um, Colin ever talk about me?
- No. That was stupid.
- You know men.
They don't talk about anything
- other than, "Ouch, my balls."
- Yeah. They don't talk about anything.
- Yeah. Except Colin's not like that.
- Scrotum. It's
Oh. Yes. Sorry?
Colin's not like that. Colin
has never been like that.
Right. Okay.
Colin's not like other
men. He's really sensitive.
And that is why he
is my soft-boiled egg.
I'm very happy for you both.
Sorry. I
I don't wanna see Colin
get hurt, you know?
- He's an incredible person.
- [FLUTTERS LIPS]
I have used my brilliant
powers of deduction
to detect that Becky
is rock-hard in love
with Colin Robinson,
much like Carrie loved
Aidan in the Sexy City show,
which I have watched every episode of.
Looks like you two ladies
could use some drinks.
Did you wash the lettuce
like I asked, Joel?
I was about to, yes.
So the answer's "no," not
"yes" if you didn't do it.
So the answer's "no."
Okay.
[GUILLERMO] Cal Bodian
is still in his trailer,
probably preparing for
his first scene of the day.
He usually likes to get to set
and meditate for an hour beforehand,
then he gets a snack.
Usually a muffin and a cup of tea.
He's been sober for 17 years.
Oh, my God. There he is!
That's great guys! Thank you!
Oh, wow. You have your muffin.
So cool.
Do you, uh Do you ever
read any of the fanzines?
Ah. Good evening, sir. Can
I interest you in a meal?
- A succulent Chinese meal?
- Wow.
I'm just saying that's where the
PIUNY community really is, you know?
- Sure.
- In the zines.
Mr. Bodian, would you come with me?
I have procured several prostitutes
for your viewing pleasure.
- Oh.
- [NANDOR] I will not kill you.
What scene is that for again?
[CREW MEMBER 4] Mr.
Bodian, we're ready for you.
Okay. Thank you.
- [NANDOR] Mr. Bodian But the prostitutes
- What?
No, leave him alone.
Do not hurt Cal Bodian.
This is war.
Doesn't matter. That
man was not the leader.
But he is the main guy on the show.
He is an actor, Nandor.
A simpleton who paints his face.
He is an empty-headed puppet
who thinks the world loves him,
when in actual fact, he is nothing more
than a lapdog begging for scraps.
- Yes.
- [LASZLO] No, he is not the leader.
That would be another
devil who pulls the strings.
The half-wit they call the director.
Colin Robinson, did you and Becky
ever have a thing for each other?
What? No.
She and Joel had some issues,
and I was a good listener for her.
But that was only because I
wanted them to get back together
'cause Joel was so sad.
I don't know.
I think her vagina is pulsing for you.
Don't fabricate drama
where there isn't any.
You wanted to come to this party
to see how the normal people live.
Well, welcome to the
wonderful world of "normalos."
- Enough.
- I do not get you at all.
Halt. Where is your leader?
Thank you.
"AD."
- A director.
- [LASZLO] Yes.
- Now I cut the head of the snake.
- Go in.
Nice day.
Come on, Nandor.
What the fuck are you wearing?
That was actually the
second assistant director,
and he made me production assistant.
They are short-staffed.
This is all good news.
- We can infiltrate them from the inside.
- Yes, yes.
But first, I must go to crafty
to fetch taffy for scripty.
Oh, shit. Nandor, you have been seduced
by the siren of show business.
- No, I'm infiltrating like
- [CREW MEMBER] Where's the PA?
- We're still waiting on
- whatever you said before.
Yes, go Nandor.
Yes, I'm just fetching
it. What is taffy?
Oh, no.
Uh, Sy Uh, Strai Top. Top Gun.
Uh, Top Ramen. Top Chef.
Top Top Top hat?
- Uh Wait. Did you say Top Chef?
- Yes, I did.
- It was Top Chef.
- [SCREAMS] Nice one, dude.
[LAUGHS] Is it just me
or is it so hard to locate
a good, trustworthy handyman these days?
- Yes!
- It is.
When we wanted to renovate the bathroom,
I decided I'm just gonna do it myself.
You did a bathroom reno by yourself?
- Yeah, I found a guy out in Queens
- Oh, brother. Here we go.
and he gave us these
beautiful vintage tiles.
- And
- They're just tiles.
Do you wanna go to
see it? It's gorgeous.
[NADJA CHUCKLES] Uh, yes.
- [BECKY] Good luck. [SCOFFS]
- Yeah.
- [NADJA] Is it dangerous?
- No, it's just boring.
Yeah, I guess I'm a fucking idiot
'cause I saved us a lot of
money and did a kick-ass job.
- What about that bathroom?
- Yes. Do you wanna see it?
- Yeah. Yes, I'd love to see. [CHUCKLES]
- Okay. Great. Follow me.
[NADJA] Try not to miss
me too much, my love.
Sit here, Colin.
- Right here. I'm just kidding. [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]
Hello, Colin Robinson.
Hello.
Is she, uh Is she good to you?
- Who?
- Your girlfriend. [SCOFFS]
- Sorry. I hope she's good to you.
- Oh.
You You deserve it.
Yeah, yeah. I think, you know
Well, yeah, I think we
get along really well.
It's nothing as special
as what you and Joel have.
Joel? [CHUCKLES] Yeah. Ol' Joel.
We've had our ups and
downs over the years.
Yeah. That'll happen.
When it does, I
I just remember
you were the only one I
could talk to about it.
Do you miss our talks, Colin Robinson?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, uh
Ready for you on set.
I think he is slumbering.
Go to two. Yeah, he's gone deep.
Cans? Anyone for cans?
Would you like some cans?
Some cans? Cans? Fucking ignore me.
I already have cans on.
- You have cans?
- I have cans.
[NANDOR] Sorry. Hi.
This one can for you.
- Sure I can't tempt you with some?
- Do you see 'em?
- Anyone ask for cans?
- No.
Son of a
What the fuck are you doing?
Uh, we are not allowed to
say what we're filming, sir.
Also, we're trying to clear the frame.
Would you mind following
me over by the snack table?
- Rolling! We are rolling!
- What?
All right. Shut up.
Out the way, fuckos. Fuck.
[COLIN LAUGHS]
- Do you guys wanna play Pictionary?
- [NADJA] Oh.
Joel, they don't wanna
play Pictionary. It's okay.
Well, I mean if it's anything like
reading a dictionary, then yeah.
Yeah, I do.
[SNIFFS] Shit. Wait, what is
[SNIFFS] shit. No, no, no. Fuck.
- Oh.
- How many times have I told you to replace
the fucking smoke detector?
It's my fault, of course.
Come on, girlie. Smoked salmon.
More excuse for cream
cheese, am I right?
[BECKY] My salmon is fucked.
[NADJA] I love the
smell of burnt salmon.
[BECKY] Goddamn it, Joel.
You're a fucking failure.
Colin, can I ask you a favor?
Sure, Joel. Anything.
It's a little unconventional,
and so if it makes you uncomfortable,
then you just tell me,
and I'll shut the hell up.
Stop. We go too far back.
I mean, we're like Stephanie Cmar
and Kristen Kish
in the Seattle season of Top Chef.
You know, they used to be roommates.
Would you ever wanna
- Do you think that
- Just a town house.
Just go into this Just come with me.
- Just can
- The hallway.
Yeah, this is nice.
I need you to fuck my wife.
[MUMBLES] What?
[JOEL] I told you it
was a little unusual.
Is that something she would be
- Ravenous for? Yes.
- Right.
It's something that
keeps our marriage alive.
Strange request.
Yeah, okay.
Well, if it's any consolation,
I'll be there the whole time.
- I'll have eyes on you
- It's no consolation.
- I have to go to the bathroom.
- Okay.
- But just think about it, buddy.
- Girlfriend, come here.
[NADJA CHUCKLES]
I think he might.
Sabotage.
Do you know what the French
translation of "sabotage" is?
It's "fuck things up."
I'm gonna fuck things
up for these people.
Chap in the white hat.
Now, he's the director.
He doesn't know his arse
from a hole in the ground.
The loudest man in the
room with fuck all to say.
Surrounds himself with sycophants,
but nothing more than
a tin-pot dictator.
And he's nothing without the scribe.
Now, that's the writer there.
The brains behind the whole thing,
yet hugely underappreciated.
Socially not the best,
but she's the beating
heart behind the production.
She is the passionate soul
of the televisual medium.
- Sir, we are still rolling.
- What do you want?
- What are you doing here?
- I don't care what you Whoa.
Where the fuck did you
get that sweated shirt?
This is for crew only.
Season 3 crew only, to be precise.
[LASZLO] Yeah, I can see that.
I want one of those sweated shirts.
Well, you can't have one.
That's a cut! That's a cut!
I love that sweated shirt.
It is a remarkable garment.
As you can see, there's
some kind of flap at the back
which is attached to the neck,
which must be some kind of hood
to protect him from the weather.
On the front looks
like some kind of pouch,
which I'm guessing is
inspired by the kangaroo.
It's probably 50%
polyester. Maybe 40% cotton.
And the rest must be rayon.
But the biggest question I have
is why the fuck has he got
one of those and I haven't?
[DIRECTOR] You're in the shot!
- [LASZLO] He's in the shot.
- [DIRECTOR] Dude, you're in the shot!
He's fucked up.
- [DIRECTOR] You're still in!
- [LASZLO LAUGHS]
[DIRECTOR] You're still
in the fucking shot!
[CREW MEMBER] Go behind the bush.
[DIRECTOR] All right. Fuck it.
We'll fix it in post. Back to one.
You were right. I-I
don't know what to do.
I've wanted Joel's friendship
for so long, but at what cost?
Colin, just stick your beak
in his wife and be friends.
I just wanted a normal
relationship with him, you know?
And this is not normal.
I think it's probably time to
get you out of here, mister.
[CHUCKLES] Come on.
Well, we better be off.
There's a Pilates class
I've been promising myself
I'll make in the morning.
No. Why don't you come join us first?
There's plenty of room. Come on.
No, our dance card is
filled up for the evening.
What upset you? Did my fucking
idiot of a husband say something?
Uh-oh. Was I bad?
Hey, Joel, maybe next
week we could go bowling?
- Yeah.
- That would be so fun.
That'd be great. Just boys time,
and then you come back and fuck my wife.
Thanks for the grub. That was swirl.
- [JOEL AND COLIN CHUCKLE]
- Hmm. [CHUCKLES]
Okay, come here.
I say, Detective Mancuso
has soiled his trousers.
- His show pants?
- What? Yeah. It's ghastly.
Okay. We have doubles
on Cal's pants, right?
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
I'm sorry that Joel turned out
to be such a depressing pervert.
I mean, I quite liked it,
but I know that you were
looking for a more normal,
less sexual friend.
- Yeah.
- Maybe humans are such depressing,
weird freaks because, you know,
they try so hard to be normal
that they repress all
their most horny desires.
And then they just end up
squirting themselves to death.
Well, wise words. Maybe
you're a Carrie after all.
Lock it up. Hold there, please.
I'm so sorry, but no.
[SCOFFS]
The hat? Oh, yeah, that's from season 6.
We shot them back-to-back.
- What the fuck are you doing in
- [LASZLO] Oh.
That gear is for crew only.
Hmm. Someone's jealous of my swag.
Perhaps.
But there is one garment
that I know you will
never get your hands on.
Nandor, give me that sweated shirt!
You shall never have it!
[BOTH GRUNTING, GROANING]
- Laszlo, get a grip.
- Good idea.
[NANDOR] No!
- [NANDOR] You're stretching it!
- Wouldn't be the first time.
Time-out, time-out.
[SIGHS] What are we doing?
Chewed up and spat out
in true Hollywood style.
We need to rain hellfire
on these Hollywood pricks.
Drink the blood of the director.
Crush the balls of the best boy.
And whack all of the actors.
Yeah, let's do it.
Hey, you guys are still here?
We wrapped, like, half an hour ago.
Happy trails, guys.
- We did it. We fucking did it.
- [CHUCKLES]
Well done, Nandor.
You know, sometimes
the best tactic in war
is to not fight at all.
You sound just like a writer.
- [LASZLO] Onward!
- [NANDOR] Yeah.
Meanwhile, while Laszlo and Nandor
called wrap on their beef,
I couldn't help but wonder,
if we stopped saying cut
The Cal mobile.
[COLIN] would we all
get a little more action?
Hi, Mr. Bodian. I'm just a huge fan.
I wanted to know if I can take
a picture with you quickly?
Now is not a great time.
It's not a good time.
It's just for my zine, actually.
- Have you read this?
- [LASZLO] Hey!
[COLIN] Maybe if we
could ask our friends
for just a little more quiet on set
Sign his program, you fucklord.
[COLIN] we'd end up
with a lot less drama.
You know who the fuck I am?
You think it's not gonna
be a problem for you?
Here we go!
[COLIN] Because even
for the biggest stars,
it's important to stay grounded.
[BODIAN GRUNTS]
[COLIN] And that's when I realized
it wasn't PIUNY or show business,
or even Staten Island that
kept us all together
[MONSTER] Colin Robinson.
Shut fuck up.
Oh, file saved.
There he is. That's
the street right here.
That's where they shoot [CHUCKLES]
- [DETECTIVE] Took your time, Mancuso.
- [MANCUSO] This looks bad.
Bad? We just found six more inside.
- [GUILLERMO GIGGLES]
- Son of a bitch. The Mob.
[GUILLERMO] What the hell?
[MANCUSO] I guess I know
where I'm going next.
- [DETECTIVE] Where's that?
- Was that
- [MANCUSO] Undercover.
- Never mind.